Hi. l'm really sorry about what l did, and l know that you can't forgive me. But just to even things out, here is all of my weird, secret stuff. l have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to Clown College. l get super nervous whenever l hear a vacuum cleaner because when l was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting, which is why l rarely vacuum my apartment -- like. . . never. l have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, l pooped my pants a little bit at a Country Steaks all-you-can-eat buffet. And l didn't leave until l finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, l went on a date with my cousin. Wow, l -- l am a mess! There is an 80% chance in the next election that l will tell all my friends l am voting for Barack Obama, but l will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one -- when l was a kid, l used to put on my fanciest nightgown, and then l would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass, and l would sit in the dark and watch ''The Love Boat.'' Consequently, l have some weird sexual-fantasy stuff about Gopher from ''The Love Boat.'' And l. . . lied ! l have had five doughnuts today. So, um, that's my deal. Now we're even.