500 Quotes Found
Season 1 | Episode 1: Pilot |
| Liz: | Hello? excuse me? there's a line, buddy. |
| Guy: | There's two lines. |
| Liz: | No, no there one line. We're in it. |
| Guy: | I'm just getting a hot dog. |
| Liz: | We’re all getting hot dogs! What, do you think there's two lines and we're all in this line and you're the only genius that got in the other line? You believe this guy? ... Don't line up behind him, he cheated you. |
| Guy: | Hey shut up! |
| Liz: | Now I want all the hot dogs please! yeah, I'm buying all the hot dogs |
Season 1 | Episode 2: The Aftermath |
| Liz: | I thought Tracy was getting here at noon |
| Jack: | Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate them. |
| Liz: | Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show. |
| Jack: | That’s not my problem, I have a lot of things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside Colorado Springs? |
| Liz: | No. |
| Jack: | Good. |
| Liz: | I just think when it comes to this whole Tracy thing, it's best to tread lightly. |
Season 1 | Episode 3: Blind Date |
| Frank: | Robot, kick him in the knees. Bears have weak knees. He should vibrate, 'cause the robot's full of radiation. Yeah, that's it. |
| Liz: | Frank, how many bears did I say you could have? |
| Frank: | One. |
| Liz: | And how many do you see here? |
| Frank: | Um, four? |
| Liz: | Save a little money for the rest of us, Frank. You can't spend a bunch of money on bear suits that are only gonna be seen for like 25 seconds. |
| Frank: | Liz, nobody's gonna believe that a killer robot can get his ass kicked by one bear. It doesn’t make any sense. |
Season 1 | Episode 4: Jack The Writer |
| Liz: | Alright we have a lot to get through today, you guys. Anybody have anything on page 1? (Writers stare at Cerie) I think we need to change this Donald Trump joke... because Donald Trump was eaten by a lion this morning, on the international space station. Anyone listening? Yeah, Okay. Cerie, how about, instead of doing the scripts, why don't you just organize those videotapes? |
| Cerie: | Oh, Okay. |
| Liz: | Okay, actually, could you go downstairs and get me a chai tea? |
| Cerie: | Okay, um... where are my shoes? |
| Liz: | No, no, just go. Just go barefoot. Just leave your shoes. |
| Cerie: | Okay. |
| Frank: | We got to change this Trump joke. |
Season 1 | Episode 5: Jack-Tor |
| P.A.: | Tracy Jordan to the stage, please. Tracy to the stage. |
| Liz: | Hey, Hey, Hey. Where are you going? They’re paging you for rehearsal. |
| Tracy: | Rehearsal? We just did a show last week. I just came to pick up a paycheck. |
| Liz: | No, we do a show every Friday, Tracy. |
| Tracy: | It’s not going to work. Next Friday is Damon Dash’s birthday party. And the Friday after that, is an orgy over at Elizabeth -- |
| Liz: | Yeah, well, you're part of a team now, okay, so you have to be in the shows and you have to rehearse. And when you rehearse, Jenna would really like it -- I would like it, too -- if you would read exactly what's on the cue cards. It's making everybody crazy. |
| Tracy: | Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. (imitating jazz music) ha ha ha. |
Season 1 | Episode 6: Jack Meets Dennis |
| Liz: | It’s so sweet of you to walk me to work today. |
| Dennis: | You’re my girl right? I take care of you, huh? Who knows, maybe we’ll see Natalie Morales, you know? That little firecracker, she gets me blood running south of the border. |
| Liz: | That is less sweet. |
| Dennis: | I'm gonna stop by tonight. Maybe I’ll pick up some Chinese. |
| Liz: | Aw, you said Chinese instead of something offensive. |
| Dennis: | I told you, losing you last year changed me, huh? It made me more, um... more mature. Come here. |
| Liz: | Ow. That really hurts! Dennis! |
Season 1 | Episode 7: Tracy Does Conan |
| Liz: | Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? |
| Dennis: | The water in here is softer. |
| Dennis: | Look at this ski jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode? |
| Liz: | That cereal has the Olympics on it? That's like, eight months old. |
| Dennis: | When you and me have kids we’re gonna give them good names like “Shannon” or “Rick.” |
| Liz: | When we what? |
| Dennis: | When we have kids, dummy, come on. |
Season 1 | Episode 8: The Break-Up |
| Liz: | Hey |
| Dennis: | Hey Babe. |
| Liz: | Dennis, what are you doing? |
| Dennis: | I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. |
| Liz: | So you made nine holes in my wall? |
| Dennis: | No those are for the shelves, dummy. The TV is gonna go here. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be like a hospital. |
| Liz: | Dennis, I don't want a hospital TV. I don't want a shelf. |
Season 1 | Episode 9: The Baby Show |
| Kenneth: | Well I don't know why they need you in the studio. |
| Everyone: | SUPRISE! |
| Jenna: | Oh my god is this for me? I can't belive you made all this fuss over my birthday. It's so incredibly thoughtful. Let me give something back to you guys. (Singing) I belive the childen are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way |
| Cerie: | Hey, guess what everyone! I'm engaged. |
| Frank: | Hey, this isn't going to change the way you dress or eat lollipops is it? |
| Cerie: | No. |
| Frank: | Oh. Then, congratulations. |
Season 1 | Episode 10: The Rural Juror |
| Jack: | The flowers are lovely, thank you.No you hang up first. OK on the count of 3. 1,2,3. No I didn't hang up either. |
| Tracy: | Donaghy, I need your help! |
| Jack: | I miss you too. I said i miss you too. You're breaking up. Maureen? She cut out. |
| Tracy: | I need $60,000 dollars or I'm gonna lose my house. |
| Jack: | Which house? |
| Tracy: | I need $100,000 dollars or I'm gonna loose both my houses. |
| Jack: | Tracy, I don't understand. You've starred in 14 films. you don't have any money saved? |
Season 1 | Episode 11: The Head and The Hair |
| Jenna: | That was hilarious. |
| Man: | We're back in 2 minutes. |
| Jenna: | So are you going to ask out the head? |
| Pete: | The head? |
| Liz: | There are these 2 MSNBC guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the head and the hair. |
| Pete: | How come? |
| Jenna: | So what are you, like 6'2'? |
Season 1 | Episode 12: Black Tie |
| Frank: | Okay, round two. Josh your up. What do you got? |
| Josh: | Check it out. Yo' mama is so stupid, she thinks an iMac, is a new hamburger at McDonald's. |
| Frank: | Ok, Not bad. |
| Liz: | Ok. I got it, I got it, I got it. What's the difference between yo' mama and washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week. |
| Jack: | Lemon, can I speak with you alone for a moment? |
| Liz: | That's what your sister asked me last night! Booyah! |
| Jack: | Uh, right this way. Uh, my friend Gerhardt Hapsburg is throwing a birthday party from himself at the Pierre tonight. |
Season 1 | Episode 13: Up All Night |
| Liz: | No, Jack, I'm not blaming you. But everybody got food poisoning. |
| Jack: | food poisoning? that is impossible. That seafood was a gift from my friend, the owner of the Cleveland browns. They're very expensive freshwater clams from the...Cuyahoga river. |
| Liz: | My whole staff has been blorching for three days, so if there's any way that we could show a rerun... |
| Jack: | I wish I could help you, Lemon, but I've already sold the ad time to the army. Do the best you can. I need a live show from you in two days. |
| Liz: | Ugh. |
| Jack: | No, no, no. That's not for you. Bianca is coming. |
| Liz: | Crazy Bianca is coming here? |
Season 1 | Episode 14: The C Word |
| Jack: | Come on in, Tracy. |
| Tracy: | Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? Cause she asked me to take it out. |
| Jack: | No, no, no. I wanted to invite you to join me a charity golf tourney that Don Geiss is hosting at his country club in Old Saybrook. |
| Tracy: | I’m not familiar with about half the words in that sentence. |
| Jack: | How about you come to me to a big party in Connecticut and meet Don Geiss? |
| Tracy: | Is that that the gay guy from "Project Runway"? |
| Jack: | No. He’s the C.E.O. of this corporation. The big man. |
Season 1 | Episode 15: Hard Ball |
| Liz: | Well this is an honor. I am friends with Number 4 on Maxim’s list of The Sexiest Women in Comedy. |
| Jenna: | Thanks. At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw The Dukes of Hazard. Funny! [Makeup woman slathers something on Jenna’s leg] |
| Liz: | What is that, baby oil? |
| Jenna: | Actually, they use salad dressing, cause it gets a better sheen. |
| Liz: | Jenna this is ridiculous. What does any of this have to do with comedy? |
| Jenna: | [with Steve Martin-esque arrow through her head, holding a rubber chicken] Ya Burnt! |
| Liz: | Listen I want to make sure you’re not gonna regret this, because its’- it’s not just cute guys who buy these magazines. It’s teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the “Y.” |
Season 1 | Episode 16: The Source Awards |
| P.A.: | That's a wrap. Monday's caII tIme -- 9.:00 A.M. |
| Tracy: | Good show, Liz Lemon ! You coming to the after-after party? |
| Liz: | We have after-after parties? |
| Steven : | Hey! l'm Steven ! |
| Liz: | Hi, Sven ! l'm Liz! |
| Tracy: | Yo, Lemon ! You coming to the after-after-after party?! |
Season 1 | Episode 17: The Fighting Irish |
| Jenna: | What class do you want to take? |
| Liz: | Oh, anything that doesn't have the words ''strip,'' ''salsa,'' or ''beatz'' with a ''Z'' in the name of it. |
| Jenna: | Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then. |
| Floyd: | Hey, what's up? |
| Liz: | Hey. Nothing. Just going into the same class you're going into. |
| Floyd: | Cool. |
Season 1 | Episode 18: Fireworks |
| Floyd: | Hey. |
| Liz: | Hey |
| Floyd: | Wow. Hot-dog times, huh? |
| Liz: | l only eat them on special occasions. |
| Floyd: | What's the special occasion? |
| Liz: | l decided to eat one. You going this way? |
Season 1 | Episode 19: Corporate Crush |
| Liz: | Hi. Hi. Hi. |
| Frank: | Hey. What's wrong with you? |
| Liz: | What? |
| Frank: | Your face -- it's like you're happy or something. |
| Liz: | l am happy, Frank. |
| Frank: | 'Cause of that dude you're donking. |
Season 1 | Episode 20: Cleveland |
| Woman: | And this is the two-bedroom. |
| Liz: | Wow. By the hammer of Thor. Can you afford this place? |
| Floyd: | Yeah. l can with this new promotion. lt's a lot more money. Like ''get away with murdering my first wife'' kind of dough. |
| Liz: | Mm-hmm. |
| Floyd: | See, now, l could hang a huge TV right there. You could get that third humidifier you always dreamed about. |
| Liz: | Slow down. l'm not ready to move my humidifiers yet. |
Season 1 | Episode 21: Hiatus |
| Dr. Spaceman: | [Jack coughs] And cough. [Jack coughs again]. And cough [Jack coughs again]. Okay! Now, let's start the examination. |
| Doctor: | Are you getting enough sleep? |
| Liz: | No. |
| Doctor: | Drinking water? |
| Liz: | No. |
| Doctor: | Are you exercising at all? |
| Liz: | No. |
Season 2 | Episode 22: SeinfeldVision |
| Liz: | Hey. How was your summer? |
| Liz: | Hey, Gary. How was your summer? |
| Liz: | Hey. How was your summer? |
| Liz: | Hey, Jack! There's my buddy. |
| Jack: | Walk with me, Lemon. |
| Liz: | You look great. I can't believe I haven't spoken to you since your heart attack. |
Season 2 | Episode 23: Jack Gets in the Game |
| Liz: | You wanted to see me? |
| Jack: | Yes, I did. This is a $54 steak. |
| Liz: | Well, congratulations; it looks really good. |
| Jack: | Yes it does. And of course I can't eat it because of my recent, uh-- |
| Liz: | --Heart attack. |
| Jack: | Secret heart attack. No strenuous activity, no red meat, no booze, but I thought, perhaps, you might enjoy it. |
Season 4 | Episode 59: Season 4 |
| Jack: | Hello, everyone. I'm so happy to see all of you and to welcome you to Season Four. which is, of course, the name of this restaurant, the number one Asian fusion restaurant in New York. where we will be eating the number-one-selling food in the rest of America. |
| Liz: | I'm so happy to see all of you and to welcome you to Season Four. which is, of course, the name of this restaurant, the number one Asian fusion restaurant in New York. |
| Jenna: | what is this? |
| Liz: | All right, Cheesy Blasters! ♪ You take a hot dog. Stuff it with some jack cheese. Fold it in a pizza. You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, ''Thanks, Meat Cat!'' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard. |
| Tracy: | I can't eat this, I'm a foodie. |
| Jack: | These Cheesy Blasters are here to teach us a lesson. The economy is struggling and your parent company is struggling with it. why, because we've lost touch with the heartland. Consumers. with the real America. |
| Liz: | Okay, that's a nonsense term. All of America is America. |
Season 4 | Episode 60: Into the Crevasse |
| Liz: | I wrote that, I'm Liz Lemon! ''If your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work, that's a Dealbreaker.'' But not you, Mike. That's not you. Mike, leave my cutout alone. Oh, okay. Oh, God. Okay, you know, I'm going to do the same thing to your cutout. Oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody! Ow! Blammo, another successful interaction with a man. |
| Jack: | Uh, yes, Mr. Geiss, of course. well, I'll only be in D.C. for the day. But if I find time, I'll be sure to go see Fonzie's jacket. You sit on it as well. |
| Liz: | Hey, if you're going to D.C., I lost my retainer there during a junior high field trip. |
| Jack: | what can I do for you, Lemon? |
| Liz: | well, I wanted to give you a copy of my book. They used your blurb. |
| Jack: | ''Lemon numbers among my employees.'' |
| Jonathan: | Sir? Your bus to washington leaves in half an hour. |
Season 4 | Episode 61: Stone Mountain |
| Jack: | Now, remind me. Did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion, or did you also debut internationally? |
| Liz: | I'm happy to say that I don't even get that. |
| Jack: | How was your trip? |
| Liz: | Terrible. I had to give up my window seat to some 7-year-old who had to sit next to her precious mommy. |
| Jack: | Uh, what about the actual purpose of your trip? How is the search for the new cast member going? |
| Liz: | Okay, I saw a few good alternative comics in San Francisco at... |
Season 4 | Episode 62: Audition Day |
| Pete: | So we're agreed. Assuming nothing goes wrong in the next eight hours, Jayden Michael Tyler will be the next T.G.S. cast member. |
| Liz: | Eight cities, 40 comics, one slap fight with a T.S.A. agent. I'm done. Jayden's the one. Now we just have to make Jack think that hiring Jayden was his decision. Who are the decoys we will be using for the audition? |
| Pete: | A middle-aged female comic with a bolo tie. A one-man band who only plays Halloween music. And Australia's Jackie Mason. Jack will hate all of them and pick Jayden. |
| Liz: | I hate doing this to people. They all think this is their big break, but we're just using them. |
| Pete: | I call it the Hornberger System. |
| Liz: | You've never been on the other side of this, Pete. Auditioning is hard. So much rejection. |
Season 4 | Episode 63: The Problem Solvers |
| Liz: | Hey, Jack. |
| Jack: | Lemon, I was in Beijing this weekend buying a reality show format where criminals try to dance their way to freedom. I also bought this. A Chinese knockoff of your book. |
| Liz: | What? Dealbreaker: The Book for You Man No Good. ''By Lesbian Yellow-Sour-Fruit.'' |
| Jack: | So, uh, what do you need from me? |
| Liz: | Ah, well, our new cast member starts today. |
| Jack: | Oh, of course, the robot, I liked him. |
Season 4 | Episode 64: Sun Tea |
| TV: | And side. Excellent, keep those cores strong. Three. Two. [Liz snores] Take it side. And side. Nice. |
| Real Estate Agent: | This is a classic, pre-war one bedroom, one bath. |
| Liz: | What? |
| Real Estate Agent: | Oh, the cleaning lady is here. Please come back later. No Polish. |
| Liz: | I live here. What are you doing? |
| Real Estate Agent: | Oh, haven't you heard? The building's going condo. If you're planning on buying, I'm Wendy. We should talk. |
Season 4 | Episode 65: Dealbreakers Talk Show 0001 |
| Jack: | There's a lot of history in Studio 4-C. To Catch A Predator, The X.F.L. Halftime Show, storage for broken copier equipment. And now Dealbreakers. |
| Liz: | Liz Lemon's got her very own talk show. |
| Liz: | ♪ I'm a star I'm on top Somebody bring me some ham ♪ |
| Liz: | I used to sing that when I was a kid. |
| Jack: | Yes, well, it's really happening for you, Lemon. Between T.G.S. and this, you're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa. |
| Liz: | I know. I mean, if this works, my life will be totally different. |
Season 4 | Episode 66: Secret Santa |
| Cerie: | Your hair is looking less weird. |
| Liz: | Thanks. |
| Cerie: | Okay, Christmas gifts. Uh, Pete? |
| Liz: | Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans. So Cheese of the Month Club. |
| Cerie: | Uh, Jenna? |
| Liz: | Oh, I want to take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle. |
Season 4 | Episode 67: Klaus and Greta |
| Liz: | Hey, Jack! Did you dye your hair? |
| Jack: | No, no. |
| Liz: | So how was your New Year's? |
| Jack: | Wonderful. My dear friend, the deep-sea explorer, Bob Ballard, brought over a 2,000-year-old amphora of wine from a sunken Phoenician trading vessel. The wine turned out to be quite toxic. My guests and I spent the stroke of midnight in my garden vomiting. |
| Liz: | Oh, my God, sorry. |
| Jack: | Don't be. The whole night, purging. The New Year, the vivid hallucinations of Astarte, the Phoenician Goddess of Sex and War, it all wiped the slate clean. |
| Liz: | So Nancy Donovan... |
Season 4 | Episode 68: Black Light Attack! |
| Kenneth: | Good show tonight, Mr. Jordan. |
| Tracy: | Hey, Kenneth. Why aren't your teeth glowing in the black light? |
| Kenneth: | You'll have to ask the fellow who whittled them for me. |
| Jack: | It's her, isn't it? |
| Danny: | I don't kiss and tell, Jack. |
| Jack: | Ah, because you're a gentleman, Danny. It's good to finally have another one of us around here. |
| Danny: | I'm just happy to be here. A month ago, I was doing a robot act on the street, so I know my place. |
Season 4 | Episode 69: Winter Madness |
| Jack: | Good morning, Lemon. |
| Liz: | Ugh, I hate January. It's dark and freezing and everyone's wearing bulky coats, so you can do some serious subway flirting before you realize the guy is homeless. |
| Liz: | Work is awful. Everyone's snippy and tense. |
| Jack: | Well, the lack of sun makes people depressed. It's called Seasonal Affective Disorder. |
| Liz: | Oh, is that where the word ''sad'' comes from? |
| Jack: | What? You think ''sad'' is an acronym invented by psychologists? |
| Liz: | I've been stuck inside playing online Boggle. It's messing with my head. Star, rats, arts, tars. |
Season 4 | Episode 70: Verna |
| Jack: | I never thought this day would come, Lizzie. |
| Tracy: | Okay, push! |
| Jack: | Push, Liz Lemon! |
| Kenneth: | Here comes your baby! |
| Tracy: | Congratulations! It's Meat Cat! |
| Jack: | The Cheesy Blasters mascot. |
| Meat Cat: | I'm what's inside you. Razzmatazz. |
Season 4 | Episode 71: Anna Howard Shaw Day |
| Pete: | Hey, Liz. My daughter is selling Valentine cookies for a school fundraiser. |
| Liz: | Valentine's Day is a sham created by card companies to reinforce and exploit gender stereotypes. |
| Pete: | Evelyn, this is the lady I was telling you about. |
| Evelyn: | I like Valentine's Day. Tommy Reticker gave me a card. |
| Liz: | Learn from my sexual misadventures, Evelyn. Last Valentine's Day, I watched my boyfriend, Drew's, mother/grandmother die. I met Floyd on Valentine's Day, but he left me for the city of Cleveland. And forget about Dennis. That pervert would always just try to get me drunk. |
| Pete: | All right, so zero cookies. |
| Liz: | No, I'll buy some cookies. But not for Valentine's Day. Instead, these cookies celebrate the February 14th birthday of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette. Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to you, Evelyn. |
Season 4 | Episode 72: Future Husband |
| Jack: | Lemon. |
| Liz: | When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my D.V.D. player? |
| Jack: | You did. You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off. |
| Liz: | Yikes. Thanks for babysitting me. |
| Jack: | I did my best, but you were pretty far gone. You kept trying to order home massages off of craigslist. |
| Liz: | Good thing you were here. |
| Man: | Hey, somebody order a massage? |
Season 4 | Episode 73: Don Geiss, America and Hope |
| Jack: | I'd like to welcome everyone to this N.B.C. Employee Town Hall Meeting and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules. |
| Tracy: | Yeah, I'm supposed to be drinking a soda right now. |
| Jack: | A special thanks to those joining us via simulcast, particularly you gentlemen in the Tokyo office. I know it's late there. I don't know why you're wearing girls' pajamas, but I'm sure it's cultural. |
| Jack: | I'm here to address concerns regarding the acquisition of our company by KableTown, with a ''K''. |
| Jack: | This is an exciting time for N.B.C. Not Seinfeld, Friends, E.R. exciting. More like 3D episodes of Merlin exciting. But I believe this is a great opportunity for all of us, because KableTown is a great company. Even if it is from... Philadelphia. |
| Liz: | Go Eagles! |
| Jack: | How did you even get a snowball? |
Season 4 | Episode 74: Floyd |
| Jenna: | A breakfast date? Who was this guy? |
| Liz: | Well, I met him on K-Date, which is the personals section of the Kraft Foods website. |
| Jenna: | And what was he like? |
| Liz: | He owns a cockatiel named Arliss. |
| Jenna: | Oh, God. |
| Liz: | But I'm not letting it get me down. I'm just going to keep putting positive energy out there and something good will come back to me. |
| Kenneth: | Good morning, Miss Lemon. A Mr. Debarber called. |
Season 4 | Episode 75: Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter |
| Jack: | And I think we can both conclude that we finished Q-one with better than expected results. And I can promise that my performance will improve, especially if you're a little more flexible on your end. |
| Avery: | I love it when you talk dirty to me. I cannot wait to see you tonight. |
| Jack: | What are you going to wear? |
| Avery: | To a museum gala? Think slutty Grace Kelly. |
| Jack: | Oh, God bless you. I'm picturing it right now. Uh, and the opposite of that just walked in. |
| Avery: | Tell Liz I said hi. |
| Jack: | I will. |
Season 4 | Episode 76: Khonani |
| Liz: | Hey... Did you know that everybody here went out last night? Without us? |
| Liz: | Oh, nerds! |
| Liz: | Nerds? Nerds. |
| Tracy: | Yeah, Thursday Night Thunder. That's been going on for years. |
| Liz: | You know about it? How come I've never been invited? Don't you think that's a little bit rude? |
| Tracy: | Well, I yelled ''Baba Booey'' at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not. |
| Liz: | Yeah, well, let me... |
Season 4 | Episode 77: Argus |
| Jack: | Lemon? |
| Liz: | I just got my bridesmaid's dress for Cerie's wedding. It is a Vietnamese size two. |
| Jack: | Dressing up isn't any easier for men. Do you know what it's like when a younger man shows up wearing the same cufflinks? |
| Jack: | You might as well be invisible. |
| Liz: | Yeah, well, I'm not going to let this dress win. I have a plan. This morning, I joined a... |
| Jack: | A suicide cult? |
| Liz: | ...gym. What do you want, Jack? |
Season 4 | Episode 78: The Moms |
| Liz: | Hey... Can I get your ''Lucretia Mott'' on this? |
| Jack: | Uh, what is this? |
| Liz: | Budget approval for travel and hotels for the moms. |
| Jack: | The moms? What moms? |
| Liz: | The staff moms that are going to be on the Mother's Day show that N.B.C. is making us do after their ill-fated decision to reair the pilot of Bitch Hunter. |
| Shane Hunter: | Put the mimosas down! Bitch. |
| Jack: | Wait, it's Mother's Day already? |
Season 4 | Episode 79: Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land |
| Avery: | Jack... Got a minute? |
| Jack: | Avery, of course. Are you okay? |
| Avery: | Oh, yeah, it's nothing. I was a guest on ''Mad Money'' last night. What's happening? Is one of you Jim Cramer? Okay, stop it. |
| Jack: | I didn't realize we were still airing that. Cramer's been dead for six months. |
| Avery: | Look, I know I'm supposed to go with you to Cerie's wedding this weekend. But I can't make it. |
| Jack: | Okay, I know you and I are in a period of detente right now because of my other... |
| Avery: | Piece of tail? |
Season 4 | Episode 80: I Do Do |
| Liz: | So I'm gonna to marry... Yafet. And we're going to live in... Nineva. And I'm going to be a.... prostitute. Okay, what else? What else? |
| Jack: | Yes, I continued to see other people. |
| Nancy Donovan: | No, not people, one person. who, apparently, you're also in love with. |
| Jack: | It's possible. Haven't you ever read Archie comics? |
| Nancy Donovan: | Jack, I got divorced. |
| Jack: | I didn't know if you would ever leave Mark. So I let myself fall into something else. |
| Nancy Donovan: | Fall into something else? That's just a fancy way of saying you're biting the hot dog at both ends. |
Season 5 | Episode 81: The Fabian Strategy |
| Liz: | No, Tom Jones, no! |
| Jack: | Lemon, it's Jack. |
| Liz: | Whoo Jackie... |
| Jack: | Oh Lemon, Avery and I just got back from the most amazing vacation on Paul Allen's yacht. For four glorious weeks, my naturally blonde lady love and I basked in the three S's: surf, sun, and... |
| Liz: | Sandwiches? |
| Jack: | Huh, we didn't need sandwiches Lemon, it was so warm you could pick fully cooked lobsters out of the water. Sheer bliss. Avery is the most perfect woman ever created. Like a young Bo Derek, stuffed with a Barry Goldwater. |
| Liz: | You sound weird. Do you have a beard? |
Season 5 | Episode 82: When It Rains, It Pours |
| Liz: | [to Jenna] ...hanging out with him is so easy -- |
| Construction Worker: | Hey yo! [Liz and Jenna turn] Back that -- [jackhammer noise, he motions to his crotch] -- and you can -- [jackhammer noise] -- while I eat a -- [jackhammer noise] -- towel -- [jackhammer noise, cups imaginary breasts]. |
| Liz: | Disgusting, sir! Would you talk like that to your mother? Or your daughter? Or your surgeon? Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully -- |
| Jenna: | Hey! I wasn't talkin to her. I was talkin to you, glasses. |
| Liz: | I bet you have -- [jackhammer noise] -- specific -- [jackhammer noise] -- infected penis. |
| Jenna: | That's never happened to me before. |
| Liz: | Well I'm not surprised. Not because you're not cute. You are. Like a pretty refugee on the news. It's because you always put out this negative energy, but now that you're with someone, you're happy and confident. Guys can sense that. |
Season 5 | Episode 83: Let's Stay Together |
| Liz: | Look at this. [holding up a sign reading F. KRUGER] The writers put it on my door. |
| Jack: | I don't know what that's referring to. |
| Liz: | It's referring to this ONE time that I got a chemical peel before work. And I was wearing a red and green sweater. And a fedora. But these douche-b's have been doing this for weeks. |
| Jack: | Lez Lemon. |
| Liz: | First thought. |
| Jack: | Winona Rider in a hundred years. |
| Liz: | Weak! |
Season 5 | Episode 84: Live Show [ East Coast Version ] |
| P.A.: | Ten minutes, that's ten minutes to air. Cast should be changing for the cold open. |
| Liz: | Hey, you wanted to see me? |
| Jack: | Does it seem weird in here to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. |
| Liz: | I dunno. Does it? |
| Jack: | Good God, I can see every line and pore in your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall. |
| Liz: | My face cream was recalled. Apparently it was destroying the lab rats'... uh... oh, what is that word... brains! |
| Jack: | Ah. I just wanted to let you know that while Avery is pregnant, I am giving up drinking. If she can't drink, I won't drink. |
Season 5 | Episode 85: Reaganing |
| Jack: | Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show: we put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals... that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it "Child Hell Flight." |
| Jonathan: | [gasps with excitement, then sees Liz] Get out of here! He is pitching a no hitter! |
| Liz: | What? |
| Jonathan: | Starting at four o'clock yesterday, when Mr. Donaghy coined the word "innoventually," he has been flawless! |
| Liz: | So why do I have to leave? |
| Jonathan: | Because you have so many unsolvable problems. Like your mouth. Looks like somebody kicked a hole in a bag of flour. |
| Liz: | [punches Jonathan] |
Season 5 | Episode 86: Gentleman's Intermission |
| Avery: | I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I had this made for the baby at Hermès. So she can ride the maid! |
| Jack: | It is adorable, but are we still in love with the name "Charlotte"? |
| Avery: | I think so, why do you ask? |
| Liz: | [flashback] Charlotte? Pftftftftft! |
| Avery: | Are you serious? |
| Jack: | Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess. |
| Avery: | I want to know why you would tell Lemon something so personal. |
Season 5 | Episode 87: Brooklyn Without Limits |
| Jenna: | How's it going in there? |
| Liz: | Great. Trying on jeans is my favourite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor. |
| Jenna: | Oh come on, Liz. This store is cool. It's huge with all the young people. I mean, all the US. |
| Liz: | This place is trying way too hard. Why are there straight jackets everywhere? |
| Jenna: | Because before this was a clothing store it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz. |
| Liz: | Okay, I tried 'em on. Can we go now? |
| Jenna: | Miss Lemon, you look HOT. |
Season 5 | Episode 88: College |
| Liz: | Where are Tracy and Jenna? We're supposed to be rehearsing. |
| Tracy: | Hey WHAT WHAT! Sorry we haven't had time to get into our costumes yet. |
| Liz: | How are we already behind today? |
| Jenna: | Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's apple. |
| Liz: | My mom just had this fixed for me. It was my grandfather's. He worked for years at Union Station in DC. As a pickpocket. |
| Chris: | Hey, hey, hey! Card game, guys. Twenty bucks per, pot's a thousand forty. Who's in? |
| Liz: | What is this, Jabba's pleasure skiff? |
Season 5 | Episode 89: Chain Reaction of Mental Anguish |
| Tracy: | Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking! |
| Jack: | No one knocked. You just barged in. |
| Donald: | [wearing a t-shirt that says "Opportunity"] Knock, knock. |
| Tracy: | You were right, Donald. It makes more sense for you to enter first. |
| Donald: | It's okay, daddy, we'll just start over. |
| Jack: | Uh, you know, why don't we just dive in to, uh, whatever this is. |
| Tracy: | Okay. You remember Donald. My son who's two years older than me. |
Season 5 | Episode 90: Christmas Attack Zone |
| Liz: | Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack. |
| Jack: | Likewise, Lemon. Is there any chance you'll still be around tomorrow? |
| Liz: | Sure. You wanna go to the Penn Station K-Mart with me and then watch Tootsie? |
| Jack: | I'm sorry, that's what you're doing instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family? |
| Liz: | It's my new thing. Travel ON Christmas Day. That way I avoid the annual Lemon Family Blow Up. And this year it's going to be a doozy. My Aunt Linda is brining her new boyfriend who is neither her age nor her race, and her ex-husband will also be there with his date "alcoholism." I swoop in the next day for presents and pie. |
| Jack: | Well if you're around, come by for dinner. Colleen will be up from Florida and, uh, she'd love to see you. |
| Liz: | Because my youthful energy makes her feel young? |
Season 5 | Episode 91: Mrs. Donaghy |
| Jonathan: | Happy New Year! Congratulations on getting married, sir. I know I didn't deserve to be invited, so I thought I would give you your gift now. |
| Jack: | Not if it's a song. |
| Jonathan: | It's not. It's... [takes off belt] This belt. |
| Jack: | Well, the nuptials were perfect. We rented a villa on St. Esclavage. For my second wedding I just wanted a five minute ceremony surrounded by one giant party, so the service was performed by an exiled French Admiral slash defrocked minister. |
| Admiral: | Si quelqu’un suppose [can't make this part out] cette sale de petite grec, qu’il parle maintenant ou garde silence à jamais. |
| Jonathan: | Well I'm glad it went smoothly. [sings] You and I - |
| Jack: |
Uh, the only hiccup was [gives belt back] my best man, deep-sea explorer and raconteur Bob Ballard took ill after eating some bad toucan, so, uh, Lemon.. |
Season 5 | Episode 92: Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning |
| Liz: | It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the building are giant severed robot penises. |
| Jack: | Be quiet, Lemon. It's happening. [GE neon sign goes out, replaced by Kabletown sign] [Jack hangs head] |
| Liz: | Wow. Out with GE, in with Kabletown. Seems like one of us should sing The Circle Game right now. |
| Jack: | Thirty years at GE. Now it's on to phase two. I'm like Keats' Stout Cortez, staring at the Pacific with a wild surmise and daring to imagine what new planets might swim into my my ken. |
| Liz: | So... Will we be getting new employee IDs because I'd really like to re-take my photo. |
| Jack: | Good God, what happened? |
| Liz: | I was holding in a snart and then right when she took the photo... Don't you want to know what a snart is? I can tell you now, it's ten o'clock. |
Season 5 | Episode 93: ¡Qué Sorpresa! |
| Liz: | Right from the top, one more time, guys. |
| Jack: | Everyone, I need your attention. Gather up. I said "everyone," Sketch-Tron 6000. Mr. Hank Hooper, the owner of our new parent company Kabletown, is touring 30 Rock for the first time today. I WILL make a good first impression, so I need all of you to be your most normal. Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from. |
| Tracy: | Do not mention the underwater city of Sironicon. Got it. |
| Jack: | Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling out of your system. |
| Jenna: | [to hair stylist] If you don't volumize my hair I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig! |
| Jack: | Frank, how is your armpit thing? |
| Frank: | Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing. |
Season 5 | Episode 94: Double-Edged Sword |
| Liz: | Hey, do you have a neck pillow? I blew mine up and now it smells like my mouth. |
| Jack: | I never sleep on planes. I don't want to get incepted. Are you going somewhere? |
| Liz: | Carol has a flight to Raleigh-Durham so I'm going with him and we're going to drive out and spend a few days at an inn at Nags Head. |
| Jack: | You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant? |
| Jack: | [opens envelope and reads letter] "You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant?" [hands Liz an envelope] |
| Liz: | [opens envelope and reads letter] "You will hand me an envelope predicting my joke about Nags Head." That is solid. |
| Jack: | Avery and I are also having a little romantic weekend together. Before the baby comes we're going to Toronto for the G8 Economic Summit. It's going to be... very erotic. |
Season 5 | Episode 95: It's Never Too Late for Now |
| Liz: | Listen up, everyone. I have an announcement to make. As you may have heard, Carol and I broke up last week. |
| Jenna: | Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail... it's being held up by a chip clip! |
| Liz: | Because I'm giving up, Jenna. I did the math. How many times does a woman meet Mr. Right? I've had three chances: Floyd, then Carol, and I was once in an elevator with Tom Brokaw. And I blew all three. Opportunities! So I am making my graceful transition into spinsterhood. I have adopted this cat, named her Emily Dickinson. [writers groan] Named her Emily Dickinson! |
| Jack: | [enters] Lemon, a word? Hang on. Recent breakup. Fanny pack. Cat. Quick, who's the lead character on NCIS? |
| Liz: | Special agent Jethro Gibbs. |
| Jack: | In your office, now. |
| Liz: | What's the point, Jack? I'm done. I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and I bought a cemetery plot. I also joined a book club at the senior's center near my home. We're reading Murder on the Orient Express. |
Season 5 | Episode 96: TGS Hates Women |
| Jenna: | Wonderful news, non-famouses! My publicist just called from rehab - I made the Internet. |
| Liz: | [looking at laptop] You're on JoanOfSnark.com? |
| Frank: | On what? |
| Liz: | Joan of Snark. It's this really cool feminist website where women talk about how far we've come and which celebrities have the worst beach bodies. (Ruth Bader Ginsburg!) |
| Jenna: | "Comedy's Freshest Female Voice." Take that Courtney Thorne-Smith. |
| Toofer: | [looking at laptop] That's not about you. That's about some stand up named Abby Flynn. |
| Frank: | Wow! |
Season 5 | Episode 97: Queen of Jordan |
| Angie: | Previously on Queen of Jordan... |
| Angie: | Don't tell me I can't sing! What the **** have you ever done? Who the *** are the Beatles?! |
| D'Fwan: | I know what you said about me. |
| Randi: | Please. I don't even think about you. You're nothing. |
| Tracy: | I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh... I'm going to Africa. |
| Angie: | It's my way till payday. |
| Angie: | D'Fwan, glue in the business weave. I have an important meeting with Jack Donaghy from NBC today. |
Season 5 | Episode 98: Plan B |
| Liz: | Hey, Jack. The vending machine's broken. |
| Jack: | I know. I broke it. I needed to speak with you and I knew that was the fastest way to get you up here. |
| Liz: | You bastard! I trusted you! |
| Jack: | Lemon. Lemon! Is there any news about Tracy? |
| Liz: | As of this morning he was still saving lives in Africa. |
| Tracy: | I'm doing God's work here in Africa. Why just yesterday I kicked two naked people out of a garden. |
| Liz: | But Tracy we need you here. |
Season 5 | Episode 99: I Heart Connecticut |
| Liz: | We need to talk. Right now. We know that Tracy's not in Africa. He's hiding somewhere in New York. |
| Dotcom: | What? |
| Liz: | Don't play stupid, Walter. |
| Kenneth: | We have ways of making people talk… by giving them fresh apple slices. |
| Liz: | Listen to me very carefully. This show is my life. I need Tracy back. Where is he? |
| Dotcom: | You think we don't walk him back? Do you know how much our cobra payments are? And he's the only one who knows the combination to the candy safe. |
Season 5 | Episode 100: 100 |
| Liz: | This better be important, Jack. I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay. |
| Jack: | Lemon, Hank Hooper is on his way up from Philadelphia and he wants to meet with both of us. |
| Liz: | Why does he want to meet me? Do you think it's a good thing? |
| Hank Hooper: | It's not, hon. I saw that in a movie once, but in the movie the guy was dead. Nice tie, Jack! |
| Jack: | How long have you been there? I was sitting in that chair a minute ago? |
| Hank Hooper: | No. That was me. What can I say? I smell like leather. And you must be Elizabeth Lemon. |
Season 5 | Episode 102: Everything Sunny All the Time Always |
| Sherry: | [singing with Jack] Hush island baby, tomorrow you shuck the cane. Your little fingers bloody, prepare to be whipped. |
| Jack: | [singing with Sherry] Hush island baby, tomorrow you shuck the cane. Your little fingers bloody, prepare to be whipped. |
| Jack: | She's asleep. |
| Avery: | Hey! It's mommy! I'm in Beijing! |
| Jack: | Shh! Liddy just went to sleep. |
| Avery: | Well wake her up, Jack. She needs to hear her mother's voice. |
Season 5 | Episode 103: Respawn |
| Dr. Spaceman: | All right, now that the popsicle's melted we've got ourselves a tongue depressor. |
| Liz: | I wanted you to look at these cold sores. I get them when I'm stressed out. |
| Dr. Spaceman: | Ah they're nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes. |
| Liz: | I just had a hard couple months. Work has been crazy and I went through a bad breakup and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death. |
| Dr. Spaceman: | Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin. |
| Liz: | Actually I was hoping you'd just have an ointment for my mouth. |
Season 6 | Episode 104: Dance Like Nobody's Watching |
| Guy: | [singing] And the home of the brave! |
| D'Fwan: | Jason, I really like your look. You got it popping tonight. |
| John McEnroe: | I totally disagree because I love your look! You're a star. Believe in your dreams! Thank you! |
| Jenna: | Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard ... until tonight. Congratulations, you're a disgrace. |
| Liz: | Shoobie doobie, shoobie doobie doobie, shoobie doobie doo-Wah! Roll my ankle. God! |
| Jenna: | Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, you're embarrassing yourself. |
Season 6 | Episode 105: Idiots Are People Two! |
| Kelsey Grammer: | Liz. There's something wrong with Pete. |
| Liz: | [gasp] Oh my god! Is he dead? |
| Pete: | Ugh… I don't know what happened! |
| Jenna: | Kenneth, I need a lightbulb replaced in my dressing room. |
| Kenneth: | Aw, easy as pie Ms. Maroney! What could go wrong? Why did I even say that? Hahahaha! |
| Jenna: | Hahahahahaha! |
Season 6 | Episode 106: Idiots Are People Three! |
| Jack: | They're still mad? We sent Elton and David a honey-baked ham, what more do they want? |
| Thomas Roberts: | I'm joined now by one gay rights advocate who isn't sure Jordan and NBC have learned their lesson. Devon Banks, welcome. |
| Devon Banks: | Thank you Dallas. I haven't seen you since Michael Kors's new year's eve masquerade. |
| Thomas Roberts: | Uh, I don't know what you're talking about. |
| Devon Banks: | Right. Let's dive in. [Winks and mouths "Hi Jack"] |
| Jack: | Banks! |
Season 6 | Episode 107: The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell |
| Announcer: | From the director of 'Valentine's Day' and 'New Year's Eve' … |
| Andrew Sandberg: | What? Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day? |
| Emma Stone: | Yeah, and neither of us have dates. |
| Andrew Sandberg: | Too bad we're just platonic friends. |
| Man: | I have a right … to love you! |
| Emma Stone: | In the words of Martin Luther King, I've just got to go for it. |
Season 6 | Episode 108: Today You Are a Man |
| Delivery Man: | Hey Liz, there's a package for you. |
| Liz: | My trio of popcorns! Haha! Simon?! |
| Simon: | Sorry Liz. I had no other way into the building and I lost all my contacts after I dropped my cell phone into the penguin exhibit. Yeah, I had my birthday at the aquarium. |
| Liz: | What do you want? You're not my agent anymore. |
| Simon: | Oh, I'm still getting your business mail at my parents' house. Your contract's almost up and Mr. Donaghy's office sent over that new one for you to sign. |
| Liz: | I'm not just going to sign whatever Jack sends me; that's insulting. We haven't even talked about this. |
Season 6 | Episode 109: Hey, Baby, Whats Wrong |
| Criss: | Liz! There's someone in the apartment![singing] There's someone who thinks you're special, in every single way; who wrote this song to wish you a happy Valentine's day. And the chorus goes here. Yeah, this is where the chorus goes. |
| Liz: | Criss. |
| Criss: | I didn't have time to write it! But the chorus goes here. Yeah! This is the chorus! |
| Liz: | Criss! Criss! It's OK. I really don't care about Valentine's. |
| Criss: | But you're a lady. … Right? Why haven't I seen photos of you as a baby? |
| Liz: | You know what I like to celebrate on February 14th? The 1920 founding of the League of Women's Voters in Chicago, Illinois. Interesting fact: they were suppose to meet on the 13th but they all got lost. |
Season 6 | Episode 111: The Tuxedo Begins |
| Liz: | What? |
| Jack: | Lemon, I'm going to be late for our meeting. I had to get out of my car and walk. Fifth Avenue was closed for a joint-pain walk-a-thon. It's only four blocks but they are so slow! |
| Liz: | I’m running late too. My subway ride was the standard amazingness. / No, that's not how it works. Let people off first, otherwise-- |
| P.A.: | Train's going expresss for no reason. Next stops: Main Street, Central Park, Veterns Memorial Highway. |
| Liz: | Am I the last one in this city still following the rules of being a person? You know what, New York is overrated! |
| Lady: | Three bucks, two bags, one me. Say, where does a young prostitute get started in this town? |
Season 6 | Episode 112: Leap Day |
| Thad: | Liz? Liz Lemon! It's me, Thad, from college. I've had my skin tags removed since then so you can see my eyes now. |
| Liz: | Oh, you ran the lightboard at the theater! Everyone called you … "Thad", no nickname. |
| Thad: | And you, you were the star of the 'The Sound of Music'! |
| Liz: | Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show -- You are one age going on another age / What's going to happen next? -- A lot of people didn't realize that was the free, unlicensed version. |
| Thad: | Look, I know it's last minute but I am having an epic Leap Day party this afternoon. |
| Liz: | Wow, a daytime party celebrating Leap Day. Sounds fun but I have to work. |