The Break-Up
Breaking Up
| Liz: | Hey |
| Dennis: | Hey Babe. |
| Liz: | Dennis, what are you doing? |
| Dennis: | I'm gonna mount a TV on your wall. I just can't find a stud. |
| Liz: | So you made nine holes in my wall? |
| Dennis: | No those are for the shelves, dummy. The TV is gonna go here. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be like a hospital. |
| Liz: | Dennis, I don't want a hospital TV. I don't want a shelf. |
| Liz: | Whose horse is that? |
| Dennis: | That’s my cousin, Teddy’s Great Dane. I told him I’d watch him for a couple of weeks, cause Teddy broke his ankle running from black guys who pulled a gun on him. |
| Liz: | Why was it important to tell me that the muggers were black? |
| Dennis: | They weren’t muggers, they were cops. |
| Liz: | So why don’t you just say he was running from some cops? |
| Dennis: | I don’t know, I mean, you’re a racist for assuming that they weren’t cops. |
| Liz: | You know I'm allergic to dogs. |
| Dennis: | Ah, allergies are all mental. |
| Teddy: | Hey. |
| Liz: | Who the hell is this? |
| Dennis: | That’s Teddy. |
| Liz: | Get out. I want you out of here. |
| Dennis: | You can’t kick me out, I love you. |
| Liz: | No, no, get your stuff and get out. I’m not doing this anymore. |
| Dennis: | You can’t kick me out, I got squatters rights. |
| Liz: | Which is it -- You love me, or you have squatters rights? |
| Dennis: | I don’t see why they’re mutually exclusive. |
| Liz: | Aargh! |
Jenna Helps
| Jenna: | Thank you. |
| Jenna: | Oh, Liz, finally. It’s about time you broke up with him, he’s a complete loser. |
| Liz: | Oh Jenna, don’t say that. You know, He had some good moments. |
| Dennis: | (Flashbacks) Hey, I got doughnuts. |
| Dennis: | What’s up Brown eye’s? I made chili. |
| Dennis: | Hey, you want to... want to order cheese steaks? |
| Liz: | I guess they were mostly food related. But he was always nice to me. |
| Jenna: | Oh, that's okay. cry it out, sister. |
| Liz: | No, I'm not crying. I'm allergic to the stupid great dane. That thing licked my eyes this morning. |
| Jenna: | Wait a minute -- Dennis and the dog are still in your apartment? |
| Liz: | I gave him a week to find a new place. |
| Jenna: | Ugh. |
| Liz: | No, but we're completely broken up. |
| Jenna: | If that's true, then I’m taking you out to celebrate. A girls night. We’ll meet some new people. |
| Liz: | Oh, you mean like at a discotheque? |
| Jenna: | Oh boy. |
Condi Rice
| Jack: | So when can we see each other again? What are you wearing? Black dress? black stockings? a funeral? Oh, I’m sorry. Okay. Let me call you back in an hour. Yeah, bye. |
| Jack: | Why are you crying -- Did the Liberty lose again? |
| Liz: | I'm not crying. I have allergies. |
| Jack: | Allergies are all in the mind, Lemon. I used to have a wicked peanut allergy. And now, witness. As I’m sure you surmised from that call, I’m seeing a woman of late. |
| Liz: | Yeah, who’s the lucky lady? |
| Jack: | Let’s just say she’s a high ranking African American member of the Bush Administration. |
| Liz: | Are you dating Condoleezza Rice? |
| Jack: | I’m not at liberty to say. The point is my lady friend is an egg head like, much like yourself. Not my usual thing, and I need your advice. We’re having a lot trouble connecting lately. She has a lot of traveling. |
| Liz: | Yeah and it must be hard for her to get cell phone reception when she is so far up the presidents butt. |
| Jack: | I’m choosing to ignore that remark under the basis that you are a godless glassy eyed Clintonista. Now I wanted to get my friend something personal. Do you think that she would prefer this handsome attaché, which says you are a women of substance and I respect you. Or this collection of ladies’ unmentionables with snaps and openings all over the place? |
| Liz: | Attaché! |
| Jack: | I see. Okay. |
Show Planning
| P.A.: | Jenna to the floor, please. |
| Frank: | Yeah, it's pretty good. but I think the boobs should swing more. |
| Tracy: | Yeah, then I could go, "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!" |
| Frank: | Yeah. |
| Toofer: | This is just appalling. |
| Tracy: | What's your problem? |
| Toofer: | I just think it’s demeaning for a black man to do drag. |
| Frank: | What? Everybody loves a dude in a dress. I mean those were the best "Bugs Bunnies." |
| Toofer: | Frank, there are large pockets of African-American culture that Caucasians know nothing about. The stigma of drag is one of them. |
| Tracy: | Whatever. I played a woman before. "Honky Grandma be trippin" made $96 million. |
| Toofer: | All I'm saying is, Drag is a way for Caucasians to emasculate you and make you seem non-threatening. We never would have stooped so low on Black Frasier. |
| Josh: | Black Frasier? |
| Black Frasier: | (TV show) Niles, this Beaujolais is impeccable. It's both fruity and precocious. |
| Black Frasier's Father: | That's not the only thing around here that's fruity and precocious. |
| Josh: | I never heard of "Black Frasier." |
| Tracy: | What? It was huge on BET. Every thursday night at about 9:00 or 9:15 |
| Toofer: | Think about it, Tracy. All the best African American comedians refuse to do drag. Chris Rock doesn’t do it. Dr. Cosby doesn’t do it. |
| Tracy: | Bernie Mac doesn’t do it, 'cause he’d be ugly as hell. Forget it. I’m not wearing this dress. It’s prejudicial. |
| Frank: | Thanks a lot. Now what am I supposed to do with this sketch? |
| Josh: | I’ll do it. I mean my parents raised me as a girl for like 10 years. What? I told you guys that. |
Plans To Go Out
| Tracy: | That's our show for tonight! See you next week! |
| Jenna: | Good night! |
| Toofer: | Okay. No, that's okay. |
| Liz: | Sorry. |
| Toofer: | All right, I'll see you later. |
| Jenna: | Monday night is girls night. I'm taking you out -- 9:30. I know this great karaoke place where you can get a pedicure while you sing. |
| Liz: | Oh, Jenna, I'll go anywhere, just, please, no more karaoke. Not after our last duet. |
| Jenna: | (Singing) When I'm right here. You need to be here. Not here. Here is embarrassing. |
| Liz: | Okay, fine. |
| Jack: | I didn't say that. I said you're a beautiful woman. It wouldn't hurt to try something different with your hair. |
| Jack: | Check this out -- I think Jack is dating Condi Rice. |
| Jenna: | Oh, God! That's huge! |
| Jack: | Oh, no, no. I never said "braces." I said "bonding." |
Shemanda
| Writer: | Dude, that Shemanda character was the best thing of the night. |
| Writer: | What was her line? Say it again. |
| Josh: | Rodney! Don't make me come over there and beat you with my boom-booms! |
| Tracy: | You burned me! There is nothing wrong with a black comedian wearing a dress. Eddie does it. Martin does it. Jamie Foxx. Flip Wilson. Whoopi Goldberg does it every day! You stole a franchise from me! Shemanda could have been a movie! |
| Liz: | Okay, you need to write something great for him before this becomes a problem. |
| Toofer: | I wouldn't even know where to begin writing for a guy like that. |
| Liz: | Then write something with him. |
Writing with Tray
| Tracy: | Our comedy got to do more than make people laugh. Got to make people think. I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror. |
| Frank: | He’s totally right. |
| Tracy: | Got to be raw! |
| Toofer: | Uh-huh. I got a concept for a sketch I think you might like. You and Jenna play Sleestaks from Land of the Lost. And you’re trying to get a small business loan, |
| Tracy: | What? |
| Toofer: | Because you want to open a pancake house called “Slee's Stacks.” |
| Tracy: | Are you black?! |
Another Man
| Liz: | Jack? Is everything all right? |
| Jack: | I think I figured out why things have been so rocky with my lady friend. |
| Liz: | I'm on the street. I can barely hear you. |
| Jack: | She's cheating on me, Liz. I think there's another man in the picture. |
| Liz: | Are you sure Jack? 'Cause she kind of seems like an honest lady. |
| Jack: | I know what I know. Next time I see Putin I’m going to kick his teeth in. |
Izzle
| Toofer: | Oh, here it is. “izzle” a suffix that can be used to take the place of anything. |
| Tracy: | Well, now you’re just being Patronizzle. |
| Frank: | You know who would love this argument? My racist grandfather. |
| Tracy: | I thought writing with you was gonna be like two brothers writing together. We’re not even speaking the sane language! |
| Toofer: | That’s right, I’m speaking English. |
| Frank: | Just listen. just listen. |
| Tracy: | Come on, who raised you? Standing there with your pants that fit, using a wallet, drinking Starbucks, and what is this? |
| Toofer: | That’s my Harvard a capella group, The Crocodillos. “I had a solo in Like a Prayer.” |
| Tracy: | Come on, where’s your heritage? My brother, my homeboy, my ni-- |
The Club
| Jenna: | Hey, sorry I'm late. |
| Liz: | Well, thank god you're here. This place is creeping me out. I don't think I can do this. |
| Jenna: | You're gonna be great. They're cute. Do you think they're wall street guys? |
| Liz: | Yeah, I think they're from the firm of date rape, cokington, cheeseball, and Jag. |
| Jenna: | You've got to give this a chance. |
| Man: | Excuse me, is this seat taken? |
| Liz: | Really dude? I got to move my coat? There are like 4 empty seats over there. can’t you just be cool? |
| Jenna: | That guy wanted to buy you a drink! |
| Liz: | Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he’d buy me mozzarella sticks? |
| Jenna: | What is the matter with you? |
| Liz: | I don't know. I'm just nervous and rusty. |
| Jenna: | Well, just relax and be yourself. Can I have a martini please? Hi. |
| Liz: | Oh, he knows where Bin Laden is, come on! The carlyle group, the unocal pipeline, the assassination of Olaf Palme? Come on. The proof is in the pudding. Ooh these are good. |
| Liz: | Really? You think that she looks like Jessica Simpson? You could put a long blonde wig on a ferret and it would look like Jessica Simpson. And by the way Jessica Simpson would think that you are old and gross, so good luck with that. |
| Liz: | I really didn’t think I was going to meet anybody tonight. But we have so much in common. |
| Liz: | Also you have pretty eyes. Oh hi! |
| Liz: | I learned the truth at 17 that love was meant for beauty queens |
| Man: | Hey, you're bumming us out! |
| Liz: | And high school girls with clear skinned smiles who married young and then retired. Whoa |
| Liz: | I thought bars were open till 4:00 |
| Jenna: | Nope, 11:30. Let’s get you to bed. |
Human Resource Meeting
| Jack: | Uh, I see you've all met Norman from human resources. He tells me that Toofer has filed a harassment complaint against Tracy. |
| Liz: | What? |
| Tracy: | Now I have to attend sensitivity training. |
| Jack: | What seems to be the problem, Toofer? |
| Toofer: | Mr. Jordan called me... the N-word. |
| Jack: | And? |
| Toofer: | And I was really offended. |
| Liz: | Because... |
| Toofer: | Because it’s a racial slur. |
| Tracy: | Brothers talk to other brothers like that. I was being friendly. |
| Jack: | Yes Toofer, you see in the last decade or so, the African American community has reappropriated that work, as a way of depriving it of it’s meaning. Just don’t try to tell my girl friend that. |
| Liz: | Yeah, Toofer. I really don't think Tracy was trying to offend you. |
| Tracy: | It's okay for us to use it with each other. You could call me that. It's a term of endearment. |
| Toofer: | Look, I'm not trying to cause any trouble, and I confess, I appreciate what you do for the show. I want to be to my brother, my homeboy, my n-- |
| Everyone: | Whoa! |
| Jack: | This meeting is adjourned. |
| Tracy: | Not cool homie. You might as well just spray me down with a fire hose. |
| Liz: | It just sounds so hateful coming from you. |
| Tracy: | I wish to file a complaint. |
Dennis Bares His Soul
| Dennis: | Hey. |
| Liz: | Dennis, what are you doing here? |
| Dennis: | I’m moving into my new apartment, so I just got one last thing to say to you then I’ll be out of your life forever. Dear Liz Lemon, though other women have bigger boobs than you. No women has a big a heart. And when I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us. And for the first time since the ’86 World Series, I cried. I cried like a big dumb homo. And if it were up to me, we’d be together forever. But there is a new thing called “Women’s Liberation” which gives women a right to choose and you have chosen to abort me. And that I must live with. So tonight when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights. I'll always love you. Goodbye and good luck. I'll never forget you. |
| Liz: | And that is why we are no longer a couple. |
| Frank: | The guy just came in here and bared his sole to you. |
| Cerie: | What are you? Made of stone? |
| Liz: | Am I crazy? The guy's a disaster, right? |
| Jenna: | I-I don't know. I mean, he's a little bridge and tunnel, but you did say you had some good times. |
| Liz: | No, no, no, no. He had his bad moments too. |
| Dennis: | (Flashback) Hey, threesome? How about it? |
| Jenna: | I'm just saying, after last night, maybe he's not such a bad choice. |
| Liz: | You are suggesting that I get back with Dennis. |
| Jenna: | Maybe. Look, you're a writer. Write a list of Dennis' pros and cons. It's a very helpful exercise. It's how I decided to get a scooter instead of a bike. |
| Liz: | Ah. |
Alpha Males
| Jack: | Well, you have to admit there's always time for Tony Blair, there's always time for Bashar al-Assad, but there's never any time for Jack Donaghy, and that's a problem. Go ahead. Take the call, yeah. |
| Jack: | Hey, Dennis. You drop by to say hi to Liz? |
| Dennis: | You mean the ex future Mrs. Dennis? She dumped me again. |
| Jack: | I'm sorry to hear that. |
| Dennis: | You try to make some people happy, but it doesn't work all the time. |
| Jack: | Tell me about it. |
| Dennis: | What, you? |
| Jack: | I really can't go into details, but when my woman and I are together, it's mind blowing. It's... it's filthy, really. |
| Dennis: | So, what's the problem? |
| Jack: | She works all the time. She's always traveling. It's a headache. Who needs that? That’s why I’m always dating 20 year olds. |
| Dennis: | Let me tell you about 20 year olds, my friend. Half of them are 16. You want some advice? It's hard for alpha males like you and me to put our egos aside, but if she's worth it, you make it work. It’s like my cousin Teddy’s dog. Sometimes he just doesn’t want to lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days. And then when he sees them, he goes bananas. So, Jack, in this example, Liz is the dog, and I am my feet. You see what I’m saying? |
| Jack: | Yes, I believe I do. |
Sensitivity Training
| Dr. Snew: | Each of you is here because you were insensitive to a coworker. Ok? You might have used one of the words I call the “uh oh” words. Such as slut, ho, bitch, bee-yatch, queer burger, fag-o-tron, gay bird. The word for black in any language. Nero, noir, schwartz, negro, kanjan sec. Hmm? So what else? What else can we not call each other? |
| Man: | How about Sweaty Grease ball? |
| Dr. Snew: | Ooh, very good. That’s highly offensive. |
| Man: | Person of color |
| Dr. Snew: | I guess if you say it like that. |
| Tracy: | Sneaky Taiwanese Trannie who stole my watch. |
| Dr. Snew: | Yes! These words are terrible, but today, we are going to learn to communicate in a diffrent way. And I would like to start... with Tracy and James. Guys? Now I understand that the two of you got into a big, old conflict yesterday. And... let's work this out. Tracy, what did you really want to say to James? |
| Tracy: | I'm trying to tell him he's my brother. We're the only two blacks on the show. We have to figure out a way to work together. Like Professor Martin Luther King said, “I have a feeling.” |
| Toofer: | It is Doctor Martin Luther King, and he did not have a feeling, he had a dream. |
| Tracy: | Ah, dude wears khakis. Uncle Tom party of one! Uncle Tom party of one! |
| Toofer: | You can't call someone that if you' ve never read the the book! |
| Man: | What book? |
| Tracy: | You know what I think? I think you're ashamed of being black, and you're an embarrassment to your community. |
| Toofer: | I embarrass you? You embarrass me, and do you know why? Because there are racist people in this world, and when they see you act like a fool, they assume we're all fools. |
| Tracy: | That's it! This is it! This is the sketch we should do! |
| Toofer: | What? |
| Tracy: | Right here, you and me! This is deep stuff going on! We got to write this! |
| Toofer: | You're right. |
| Tracy: | Dr. Snew, thank you very much! |
| Dr. Snew: | Okay, okay, okay! that's really against the rules. |
Clean House
| Liz: | Dennis? Oh my god. "I know this might be emotional for you, so there's a meatball sub in the fridge." "Pro. Fixed TV." Huh. |
| Tracy: | Hello, I'm Star Jones, and welcome to "The Star Jones Gastric-Bypass cooking show. Mmm! |
| Toofer: | Liz, what happened to the race relations sketch Tracy and I wrote? |
| Liz: | We only had time for one more bit, and Tracy picked this one. |
| Tracy: | Now, you know I can only eat small portions! Oh, my goodness. Dessert! |
| Toofer: | Okay, he's right. This is funnier. |
The Star Show
| Jack: | Guess where I was last night? |
| Liz: | Mark Foley’s pajama party? |
| Jack: | No. Kandahar. |
| Liz: | Afghanistan? |
| Jack: | Yeah. Took the corporate jet to hook up with my neocon inamorata. |
| Liz: | Well, I'm glad things are working out for you and your mystery lady. |
| Jack: | Actually, they're not. I broke up with her. |
| Liz: | Really? What happened? |
| Jack: | Well I finally realized we’re not compatible. I mean I’m all for fantasy role play, but Abu Ghraib? |
| Liz: | Well, you know, relationships end. People move on. |
| Jack: | But I'm glad at least I gave it a shot. Thank Dennis for making me do that. |
| Liz: | Dennis? |
| Jack: | Yep. |
| Jack: | You know, I might have been too hard on that guy. He's okay. Hmm. |
| Liz: | Jack likes Dennis. Jack... likes... Dennis. |
Jack's Break Up
| Liz: | Hey. |
| Dennis: | Hey. I just wanted to drop off your Christmas present. I had already bought it for you. So... It’s a fancy brief case, because you're classy and important, like a dude. |
| Liz: | Thank you Dennis. |
| Dennis: | I also got you some antihistamine in case the next guy you're with has a dog and you want to stay with him. Anyway... |
| Liz: | Do you want to eat? |
| Dennis: | What? |
| Liz: | I got all this chinese food. I'm never gonna finish it by myself. |
| Dennis: | For real? |
| Dennis: | Should I grab a plate? |
| Liz: | Yeah. Get me a diet soda. |
| Dennis: | Okay. |
| TV: | Good evening and welcome to "Dateline" Chris Hansen has our latest investigation. |
| Dennis: | Hello? |
| Chris Hansen: | Good evening sir, I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC. Can I ask what you’re doing here? |
| Dennis: | Yeah, I’m here to boff some chick named Mary. |
| Liz: | Oh my God! |
| Chris Hansen: | Boff some chick named Mary. Do you know how old Mary is? |
| Dennis: | 22, I think? |
| Dennis: | Crap! That girl said she was 16, but I swear to God I could tell she was 22. |
| Liz: | Get out of my apartment! |
| Dennis: | This happened while we were broken up. |
| Liz: | Oh, no no no. I was right about you. This is a con, by the way. You on Dateline is a con! |
| Dennis: | You know what? I knew you wouldn't be cool about this. We're finished. |
| Liz: | You can’t break up with me! I already broke up with you! |
| Dennis: | Fine, then we agree to disagree! |
The Break-Up Comments
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