Tracy Does Conan
Liz Unhappy
| Liz: | Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? |
| Dennis: | The water in here is softer. |
| Dennis: | Look at this ski jumping idiot Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode? |
| Liz: | That cereal has the Olympics on it? That's like, eight months old. |
| Dennis: | When you and me have kids we’re gonna give them good names like “Shannon” or “Rick.” |
| Liz: | When we what? |
| Dennis: | When we have kids, dummy, come on. |
| Liz: | Yeah, I got to go. Um... are you gonna be home later? I got to talk to you about something. |
| Dennis: | I'll be right here. Look at this maze. It’s so easy. I mean, come on, you go in here and out there. |
| Liz: | I'll be home early, okay? |
| Dennis: | Yeah, well -- come here, sweetheart. |
| Liz: | Oh, Dennis, I just did my hair. |
| Dennis: | Aw, that's my girl. Yeah, bye. |
Giving Blood
| Nurse: | Now, make sure you drink plenty of fluids and get something to eat. Don’t do anything strenuous tonight. Don’t hit the clubs. |
| Liz: | No, I’m going straight home actually. I’m breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can’t take it anymore. |
| Nurse: | Hmm, 35, Single, no children. 3 sexual partners in the last 10 years? I don't know doll, maybe it’s time to settle. Chocolate chip or butter crunch? |
Jenna Unhappy
| Jenna: | I can't believe that this is happening to me. It's just not far. |
| Pete: | You're right. This business is unfair. |
| Liz: | What happened? |
| Pete: | Jenna was supposed to be on the Conan show tonight, but -- |
| Jenna: | I got bumped. |
| Liz: | Oh, well, you know, that kind of thing happens. |
| Pete: | Jack bumped her and put Tracy on instead. |
| Liz: | Jenna, you can't let this kind of thing get to you. |
| Jenna: | I just feel like everything always gets taken away from me. |
| Liz: | No that’s not true. What about that movie you did last summer? |
| Jenna: | The Rural Juror? |
| Liz: | Yeah, The Rur-- that one. |
| Man: | (Flash to movie set) "Rural Juror," apple 3, take one. Mark. It's a terrible title. Action! |
| Liz: | When does that come out? |
| Jenna: | The Rural Juror opens in selected theaters December 18th. |
| Jenna: | Does Jack Donaghy even know I'm in "The Rural Juror"? Maybe if he knew I had a film career, he would treat me with more respect. |
| P.A.: | Jenna to the set please, Jenna to the set please for “Rodney Stink, Confirmed Bachelor.” |
| Liz: | I will tell him. I will tell him that you are in a feature film called "The Rur Jur" |
| Pete: | What the hell’s her movie called? |
| Liz: | I don’t know. She’s been talking about it for a year. I can’t ask her now. I can't believe Jack did this to her! |
| Pete: | I can’t believe Conan’s going to have Tracy on as a guest again considering what happened last time. |
| Conan O'Brien: | (Flashback) You seem like you have a nice chemistry -- |
| Tracy: | I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. |
| Conan O'Brien: | All right, no, okay! all right, all right! That's great Tracy! We'll take a break! We'll be right back! |
| Liz: | Hey, Clarice, can I see Josh's Stone Phillips wig? Oh, great. Do you mind if I pop it on you, actually? I want to see the shape of it. |
| Pete: | Please. It would make my wife's dream come true. |
| Liz: | Oh. |
| Pete: | Yeah? Handsome? You find me handsome? |
| Liz: | Yes! Yes very much. |
| Pete: | You know, I used to be very rich. |
| Liz: | Oh. Hello. |
| Pete: | Ooh, hi. Sorry. |
| Jack: | I know your wearing that wig as a joke, but it makes you look younger and more confident, and I think you should consider it. Can I see you in my office? |
| Liz: | Yeah, hang on a second, actually. Why did you bump Jenna from Conan? |
| Jack: | Because if I have a choice between an international movie star and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite -- |
| Liz: | No, no, no. Jenna doesn’t do those commercials anymore. She got fired |
| Jack: | I don’t do these things just to drive you crazy, Lemon. I do them for the good of the show. |
| Liz: | Well, I’m the one who always has to clean up the mess afterwards. |
| Jack: | That’s why my job is way better than yours. Way better. |
Jack and Conan
| Jack: | Conan, Tracy’s really excited to be back on your show. |
| Conan O'Brien: | I don’t know, Jack. He’s kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don’t try to stab me. |
| Jack: | Well, Tracy’s feeling a lot better now. He’s under a doctor’s care. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Yeah, that’s what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break. |
| Jack: | Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way. |
| Conan O'Brien: | What’s the hard way? |
| Jack: | You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Tell Tracy I’ll see him tonight... you black Irish bastard. |
| Jack: | Back at you, man. |
Tracy's Angle
| Tracy: | I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America. |
| Toofer: | Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we’ll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy. |
| Pete: | Maybe something about you and your wife. |
| Tracy: | Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I’ll put on a ski mask. |
| Pete: | Okay, not that. |
| Frank: | Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up. |
| Tracy: | I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who’s still got the biggest ding-dong. |
| Pete: | No. |
| Tracy: | Oh, I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. |
| Pete: | Oh, What was that? |
| Tracy: | I was pooping in the ladies’ room at The Ivy -- |
| Pete: | No. |
| Tracy: | My head hurts. Anyone gonna answer the phone? |
| Frank: | What phone? |
| Tracy: | Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing. Brring! Brring! |
Quip Idea
| Liz: | So, you wanted to see me? |
| Jack: | Oh, Lemon, wonderful. I’m introducing Jack Welch at a dinner at the Waldorf. What’s a funny little quip I could open up with? |
| Liz: | That’s why you called me up here? Ok. Um. Good evening. It’s great to be here at the beautiful Waldorf Astoria. I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic. |
| Jack: | Lemon, this is not open night mike at the Bryn Mawr student union. This is a thousand dollar a plate fundraiser. |
| Liz: | Okay, um, how about, “Wow, a thousand dollars a plate. For that kind of money, this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house.” |
| Jack: | Uh, Let me tell you what I was thinking of saying. Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch’s Grape Juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers Mind Grapes. |
| Liz: | That doesn't even make sense. |
| Jack: | No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote in down in the middle of the night. |
| Liz: | Listen, I'll try to come up with something for you, but I got to get back downstairs. Tracy needs help. |
| Jack: | Cookie in the middle of the day? |
| Liz: | I gave blood. |
| Jack: | Does that burn calories? |
Tracy Losing It
| Tracy: | What else? What else is on my mind grapes? I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan, and not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of. Who’s that dude? |
| Frank: | Uh, what dude? |
| Tracy: | The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me. I don’t like that dude. I don’t like that dude. |
| Blue Man: | Meep. |
| Liz: | Hey, guys. |
| Toofer: | That was weird. |
| Liz: | Hi. |
| Frank: | You missed it. Tracy was acting old school bananas. |
| Liz: | He’s always bananas. |
| Toofer: | No this was different. |
| Frank: | Yeah, like Conan should be afraid different. |
| Liz: | Oh, really? Where'd he go? |
| Frank: | I don't know. |
| Tracy: | Yes, I am having problems with my cable television. Yes, I will hold. Excuse me, I have another call. Hi, Mom. I am doing fine. |
| Liz: | Ooh, that's not good. Aw, Frank, That was my blood cookie! |
| Frank: | Ew. You want it? |
Jack Attack
| Pete: | Hey, Jack attack! Sorry, should of kept that one in the old brain box. Could you sign that for me, please? |
| Jack: | Pete, where’s your charisma? |
| Pete: | What? |
| Jack: | The wig, I prefer that you wear it. |
| Pete: | Well, I thought you were joking. |
| Jack: | Well, let me clarify. I'm not joking. Pete, did you know that men with full heads of hair, on average, earn 17% more than their bald counterparts? |
| Pete: | I did not know that. |
| Jack: | Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed then men with full heads of hair. But here's what I want you to do. Wear the wig for a week and experience your full potential. |
| Pete: | Well, I-I think this is my full potential. |
| Jack: | I know your skeptical Pete. I know. Here, I want you to do something. Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead, pull my hair. I’m just kidding. It's -- It’s real. I’m not like you. |
Dr. Spaceman
| Jenna: | So, be honest with me. What did Jack say? |
| Liz: | Well, I guess he thinks that Tracy is a movie star, and he doesn't love it that you did those commercials. |
| Jenna: | Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home, so unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida -- |
| Liz: | Jenna, I'm sorry. Just let it go. Tracy's doing "Conan" tonight. |
| Grizz: | Miss Lemon we got a problem. |
| Liz: | Tracy's doctor put him on some new medication. I guess he's having some sort of reaction. |
| Pete: | Well, "Conan" tapes in -- Less than two hours. Call me if you need me. |
| Liz: | Tray, can I come in |
| Tracy: | I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out! I'm bugging out! |
| Tracy: | Aah! |
| Liz: | Tracy, Who is your doctor?! |
| Tracy: | Dr. Spaceman! Dr. Spaceman! |
| Liz: | Oh brother look around, we got to find his medication. |
| Tracy: | Dr. Spaceman, Dr. Spaceman. |
| Liz: | Wow. Dr. Spaceman. I owe you an apology Tray. |
| Dr. Spaceman: | This is Dr. Leo Spaceman. (Spa-che-min) |
| Liz: | Hi, I work with Tracy Jordan, and I think he’s having a reaction to some of the medication you put him on. |
| Dr. Spaceman: | Ugh. I was afraid this might happen. You know, he’s on so many different neuroleptics and tricyclics that there’s no telling how they’ll mix. But, what can you do? Medicine’s not a science. |
| Liz: | Well, What exactly are you treating him for? |
| Dr. Spaceman: | There’s not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically, it’s erratic tendencies and delusions brought on by excessive notoriety, and certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. Boy, I’m being awfully open with you, miss. I should not have taken those blue things. |
| Liz: | So, is he dangerous? |
| Dr. Spaceman: | No, he should be fine, so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music, and crowds. You know, I’ll call in a prescription for something to settle him down as soon as possible. Do you need anything for yourself? |
| Liz: | What? No, Just where can I pick up Tracy’s prescription? |
| Kenneth: | Miss Lemon, they need you upstairs in Mr. Donaghy's office immediately. |
| Liz: | Kenneth, I need you to go to Rite Drug, 46th and 8th. Pick up Tracy's medicine fast, okay? |
| Kenneth: | Yes, sir. |
Jack Needs His Joke
| Liz: | What is it? What's the emergency? |
| Jack: | How's this for an opening line? "When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like randy Barnes." |
| Liz: | That's fine. Do that. |
| Jack: | I don't know. It might be distasteful if Randy's widow's in the audience. |
| Jack: | What did you come up with? |
| Liz: | I have a bigger problem, Jack. I don't think Tracy's ready to do "Conan." I think you should let Jenna do it, and maybe Tracy could do it in a couple of weeks. |
| Jack: | Jenna's not a star. She's capable, but she's not a star. |
| Liz: | She's got a movie coming out next month. |
| Jack: | What movie? |
| Liz: | The Rur Jur |
| Jack: | The what? |
| Liz: | Tracy's acting nuts. He's having problems with his medication. |
| Jack: | Did you call Dr. Spaceman. |
| Liz: | Yeah I did. |
| Jack: | Then he’ll be fine. Leo’s an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist. |
| Liz: | Is that rehearsal? Oh, n-- Oh. No, this -- this Tracy situation is really -- |
| Jack: | Are we still talking about that? Do I have to come in and run your show, or could you take this one thing off my plate? |
| Liz: | No, I got it. I'll figure it out. What? |
| Pete: | Don’t ask. |
| Jack: | (Gasps) Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you handsome? |
Tracy VS Blue Man
| Jenna: | Liz. I wanted you to be the first to know, after the way Jack treated me today, I can’t work here any more. I quit. |
| Liz: | Oh, Jenna, I really don’t have time for this. |
| Jenna: | Then I guess this is goodbye. |
| Liz: | Okay. Jenna, don’t quit. The show can’t go on without you. You’re my muse. You’re a modern day Lucile Ball. You’re prettier than Debra Messing. Please don’t quit. |
| Jenna: | Well, if that’s the way you feel. I’ll stay. |
| Liz: | (Pager beeping) Ugh! It's Dennis. Do you have any food? I'm getting really low blood sugar? |
| Jenna: | Are you dieting finally? Tell me -- what are you doing, south beach, master cleanse? |
| Man: | Hello? |
| Dennis: | Whoa, whoa, whoa, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Shoo. Liz, hey, it's me, Dennis. |
| Liz: | Dennis what do you want? |
| Dennis: | You got to do me a huge favor. You got to call Ticketmaster right away. Nickleback just added another date, right? And I would do it on your computer, but I’m downloading a game right now. |
| Liz: | No I can’t do that for you. Listen, just be home tonight when I get there, okay? I need to talk to you about something. |
| Dennis: | Word. |
| Tracy: | Blue man! That blue dude keep following me! |
| Blue Man: | (Babbling) |
| Liz: | All right, let's just get him down to hair and makeup. Hopefully, Kenneth will be back any minute. |
| Tracy: | Aah! |
| Kenneth: | Oh, my. |
| Tracy: | No! No! Aah! No! No! It's the blue man. It's coming up on me. |
| Liz: | There's no blue man |
| Tracy: | Take the blue man! I don't want the blue man! |
| Liz: | All right, all right, all right. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Hey Liz, what’s up. |
| Liz: | Oh hi Conan, how are you? |
| Conan O'Brien: | Good. You still going out with that guy from the pager store? |
| Liz: | Who? Dennis? yeah. You still, um -- How’s your wife? |
| Conan O'Brien: | Let’s not do this Elizabeth. |
| Liz: | Okay. |
| Tracy: | Nah, nah, nah. Nah |
| Liz: | Vocal Warm ups. I’ll tell him you came by. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Okay. |
| Tracy: | Uh, uh |
| Grizz: | Whoa, whoa, whoa. He licked all of those. |
| Kenneth: | After you, ma'am. |
| Liz: | Chewbacca may I talk to Tracy please? |
| Tracy: | Brrrrrrrrr, brrrrrr. |
| Pete: | How’s it going? |
| Tracy: | No! Past Pete is here to kill future Pete! |
| Liz: | It's going great. |
| Tracy: | No! Brrrrr. |
| Liz: | It's all right, Tray! Come back! |
| Kenneth: | Yes, ma'am do you have a prescription for (whispering) Mr. Tracy Jordan? |
| Liz: | Okay, come on out of there, buddy. |
| Pete: | Oh, I almost forgot. Jack would like to see you up in his office. |
| Liz: | Ohh, I don't have time for this! Yeah, Jonathan, tell him I've got my hands full with Tracy. |
| Jack: | You sound upset. |
| Liz: | I am upset. |
| Jack: | Well, come on up, and we'll talk about it. |
| Liz: | Ugh! |
| Tracy: | Brrrrrrr. |
| Kenneth: | Fine, I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful. |
What Am I A Farmer
| Jack: | We'll get to your problem in a minute. Have you had a chance to think of my zinger? |
| Liz: | Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody, and I know what this crowd's giving thanks for -- estate tax reform. |
| Jack: | (Laughs) That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. But do you think it's too topical? Damm, I wish this event were tonight. |
| Liz: | It's not tonight? When is it? |
| Jack: | February. |
| Liz: | Why are you wearing a tux?! |
| Jack: | It’s after six. What am I, a farmer? |
| Liz: | It's 6:00? No. |
Tracy On Conan
| Man: | You're right after this commercial. |
| Liz: | You can do this. |
| Tracy: | Mr. Blue Man! You’re going to tell me my feet stink? You don’t even have feet! Blue man! Blue man, where your feet at? |
| Page: | Late night with Conan O'Brien"! That's right. Now we are on the s-- |
| Kenneth: | Excuse me. This is a page coming through. |
| Pete: | Let.... Him..... Through!! |
| Tracy: | No! |
| Pete: | Here it is! |
| Tracy: | Aah! Aah! |
| Liz: | Pete! |
| Pete: | I'm trying. |
| Liz: | Give me his pills! |
| Pete: | Here. |
| Liz: | It's from Dr. Spaceman. |
| Conan O'Brien: | You know my first guest tonight from his numerous hit movies, including "President Homeboy" and "Honky Grandma Be Trippin'." Or you may know him from his last appearance on this show, when he tried to stab me in the face. |
| Man: | Okay, got to go. Excuse me. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Please welcome Tracy Jordan. |
| Pete: | You know, you really went above and beyond for that guy today. |
| Liz: | I just hope we get away with it. |
| Liz: | This is going on a little long. |
| Pete: | Don't do -- Don't do that. |
| Liz: | Pants on! Pants on! |
| Pete: | Sit in the chair. Sit down, sit. Oh! No, sit down. God. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Okay. |
| Pete: | Attaboy. |
| Conan O'Brien: | Good to have you here. That was great and you’re... and he’s asleep. Which is, uh, okay, 'cause at least he didn’t murder me. Uh, we'll take a break, and, uh, Tracy Jordan, everybody. |
| Pete: | Hey, you did good, kid. |
| Conan O'Brien: | You don't see that every day. Tracy Jordan. |
| Liz: | Give me that. |
| Pete: | Ow! |
| Blue Man: | (Babbling) |
| Liz: | I really got to eat something. |
Exhasted
| Liz: | Hey |
| Dennis: | Hey. What's up? I didn't know what you wanted, so I, uh, ordered you a cheeseburger. |
| Liz: | Oh, Dennis, thank you. Oh Thank you. thank you. Thank you so much. |
| Dennis: | So, what did you want to talk to me about, huh? |
| Liz: | Nothing. I forget. I just want to listen to you play Halo till I fall asleep. |
| Dennis: | Oh, it's baloney! How'd that -- How'd that grenade not kill him? He was standing right next to it! You know, Liz, this controller's defective. Liz? |
Kenneth Does Conan
| Kenneth: | Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I’m making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate Zach Braff. Mm-hmm. What? Who told you that? Well, yes, I do know how to clog. But I don’t think anyone wants to see me do that. You do? Really? Okay. |
| Conan O'Brien: | You’re a weird guy Kenneth. |
| Kenneth: | See you tomorrow Mr. O’Brien. |
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