Black Tie    [ Season 1 | Episode: 12 ]

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Yo Mama

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   Frank:
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Okay, round two. Josh your up. What do you got?
   Josh:
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Check it out. Yo' mama is so stupid, she thinks an iMac, is a new hamburger at McDonald's.
   Frank:
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Ok, Not bad.
   Liz:
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Ok. I got it, I got it, I got it. What's the difference between yo' mama and washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week.
   Jack:
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Lemon, can I speak with you alone for a moment?
   Liz:
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That's what your sister asked me last night! Booyah!
   Jack:
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Uh, right this way. Uh, my friend Gerhardt Hapsburg is throwing a birthday party from himself at the Pierre tonight.
   Liz:
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You want me to think of something funny you can write in a card?
   Jack:
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No. I want you to come with me.
   Liz:
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Oh. Who's Gerhardt Hapsburg?
   Jack:
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Prince Gerhardt is the last male descendant of the imperial house of Hapsburg. They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire, The Defenestration of Prague. Uh, Lemon, what exactly did you study in college?
   Liz:
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Theater Tech.
   Jack:
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I see. I'm inviting you to the social event of the season.
   Liz:
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I don't know Jack, would I have to wear high heel shoes?
   Jack:
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Yes. This will be good for you. You finally got Dennis out of your life. You're even wearing lipstick.
   Liz:
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No they're just really chapped.
   Jack:
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I'll have the wardrobe department pull a dress for you. I just thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with a, um..... different class of people.
   Liz:
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Ok fine. I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.
   Jack:
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That's what your mom said to me last night! Booyah!
   Josh:
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You got slammed, girl.
   Liz:
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That was surprising.

Like A Samson

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   Pete:
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Yes, Dear. Oh boy. who's crying? Is it Caleb?
   Tracy:
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What's up Pete?
   Pete:
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Okay, I'll try. Yeah. Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty. No, not at mommy, at the potty. How's that Elmo's fault? Did mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?
   Tracy:
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Click. ehhhhh. Okay. Pete, Pete, Pete, Pete, Where's your spinal cord, son?
   Pete:
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What? No, It's just my wife is visiting her folks, and she's a little stressed out.
   Pete:
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Yeah, it seems like you got yourself a Delilah.
   Pete:
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A what?
   Tracy:
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Pete, there are two types of women in this world. One who gives you strength, and one who takes strength from you, like Delilah took strength from Samson in that movie. My wife gives me strength. Makes me feel like a man. That's why she's so special.
   Pete:
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I actually haven't met your wife yet. Hi.
   Tracy:
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That ain't my wife. Go get me a fizzy water. It's like this, Pete. I love my wife. I love her. We're a team. That's why eight times a week I go to the strip club. It gives me energy, which I bring back to her.
   Pete:
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And your wife doesn't get jealous?
   Tracy:
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Nah! she likes it. Makes me feel strong, like a Samson. Samson!
   Kenneth:
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Great shoving Mr. Jordan.

A Date

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   Jenna:
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Wow. What's that for?
   Liz:
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I'm going to a birthday party for some prince tonight.
   Jenna:
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You mean like a dog birthday party?
   Liz:
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Oh. That's better. Uh, no. He's a real European prince. Gerhardt Hapsburg?
   Jenna:
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What? You have to take me with you. Liz, It's always been my dream to meet and marry a prince, like a modern day Cinderella story.
   Liz:
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Hey Maybe I'm Cinderella this time.
   Jenna:
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No, Liz, Cinderella is blond. You can be Snow White and party with the little people. Oh, take me.
   Liz:
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I can't take you. I'm only getting in because Donaghy is taking me.
   Jenna:
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Wait. Your gonna be Jack Donaghy's date?
   Liz:
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No it's not a date.
   Jack:
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Wow! Lemon. I, uh, got you a little something.
   Liz:
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Oh, my -- Ow! That really hurt my hand! Dag! Who does that?!
   Jack:
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I'm sorry. Our car will be downstairs at 7:00. Would you make sure that she gets this?
   Jenna:
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Oh, yes.
   Jack:
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Sorry.
   Jenna:
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This is definitely a date.
   Liz:
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No. Is it?

Arriving

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   Liz:
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I didn't know i was coming to this tonight.
   Jack:
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Don't apologize. You look great. May I?
   Liz:
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Uh, I got it. Thanks. Careful.
   Jack:
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Thank you so much. Let's see. um... To us.
   Liz:
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Is this a date?
   Jack:
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What? Lemon, I've date socialites and models and actresses, Liz Hurley, in the 90's.
   Liz:
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Fine. My mistake.
   Jack:
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I think it's so funny that you thought that.
   Lady:
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Hi, Jack. Maybe I'll see you later.
   Jack:
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I hope so. Her. Her. Her. The two of them. This guy coming up on my left, his daughter this summer. Wes, good to see you.

Bodies And Minds

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   Tracy:
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Pete Hornberger, tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and out minds. Hit it!

Snow White

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   Jenna:
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Oh, hello.
   Liz:
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Hi. How did you get in here?
   Jenna:
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Oh Liz, if you dress well and enter with confidence you can get in anywhere.
   Liz:
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You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you?
   Jenna:
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Just one. It's not the White House. Um, chocatini, please.
   Liz:
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You were dead wrong about this being a date, by the way. I just made a complete ass out of myself in front of Jack.
   Jenna:
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Oh I'm sorry, when I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
   Liz:
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Austria.
   Jenna:
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Yeah, that's what I said.
   Royal Assistant:
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Ladies und gentlemen, may I present his royal highness. The duke of Thuringia, Earl of the duchy of Westphalia, Prince Garhardt Messerschmitt Rammstein Von Hap!
   Gerhardt:
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Thank you. Thank you all dear friends. For coming to my birthday!
   Liz:
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Wow. Who's Snow White now?

Meeting Bianca

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   Gerhardt:
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7:45 and I'm still awake.
   Jack:
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That Gerhardt is amazing isn't he? most people in his situation would be angry with their family for centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt, he's too busy staving off infection. Oh my god. What is she doing here?
   Liz:
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Who?
   Jack:
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My ex wife.
   Liz:
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Oh, I forgot you were married. Wow. She's gorgeous, and surprisingly age appropriate.
   Jack:
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Damm it. I was told she was on Paris. Party of the year that women turns up, and I'm all alone.
   Liz:
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Thanks.
   Bianca:
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Johnny.
   Jack:
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Bianca
   Bianca:
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It's beem a while. You look good.
   Jack:
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Thank you.
   Bianca:
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Do you remember my fiance, Vincent Foley?
   Jack:
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Yes of course. Uh, This is my live-in girlfriend, Lemon.
   Liz:
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Elizabeth.
   Jack:
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Elizabeth...Lemon.
   Liz:
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Nice to meet you.

Keeper

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   Bianca:
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And how did you two meet?
   Liz:
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It was part of the big brother little sister program.
   Bianca:
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Congratulations John, she's much sharper than the last girl your had, what was her name?
   Jack:
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Beyonce.
   Liz:
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And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.
   Bianca:
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Oh, hang on to this one, John. She's a keeper.
   Liz:
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Mmm, yeah. I'm a keeper. So now it's a date? I thought I could never be you date, Jack. I thought no one would ever believe it because I'm so grotesque.
   Jack:
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Thank you for not embarrassing me.

Noticed

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   Royal Assistant:
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Excuse me miss but, uh, his highness has noticed you.
   Jenna:
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Who? Gerhardt? really?
   Royal Assistant:
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His highness is quite taken und invites you to dine next to him.
   Jenna:
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Oh, wow. That's...flattering. Are you sure that he meant me?
   Royal Assistant:
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His highness is attempting to wink at you.
   Jenna:
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Oh.

Restroom Meeting

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   Jenna:
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There you are. I need your help. I've been asked to dine with His Majesty.
   Liz:
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If you're looking to sneak out the window, it doesn't open. I already tried it.
   Jenna:
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Should I say I'm still a virgin?
   Liz:
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Wait you're actually considering this?
   Jenna:
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Of course I'm considering it. You know I've always reminded myself of Grace Kelly. I'm not gonna be gorgeous forever. Who knows how long this show will last. And i have no other skills whatsoever. I need to find someone who can take care of me.
   Liz:
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Yeah, I don't think Gerhardt can take care of you.
   Jenna:
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And I can get past someone's looks.
   Liz:
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Since when?
   Jenna:
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I'm an actress, Liz. It would be my greatest role of all time.
   Liz:
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You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
   Jenna:
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Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it.
   Liz:
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You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
   Jenna:
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No, you're a good friend and thank you.

Secret Touchings

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   Tracy:
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You enjoying yourself, Pete?
   Pete:
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Actually, Tracy, I'm trying to get some work done here.
   Tracy:
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Hey, supersize, Take care of that dude. That there's my friend. He saved my life when we was in Desert Storm. Our tank broke down. He killed 14 Germans so we could get the hell out of there.
   Pete:
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No. No, actually, I'm just a producer on, on Tracy's show.
   Vikki:
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You're a producer?
   Pete:
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Yeah.
   Vikki:
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I'm an actress.
   Pete:
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Oh yeah?
   Vikki:
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Have you ever seen the movie "secret touchings"? I was a scientist in that.
   Pete:
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No, I'm not familiar with that.
   Vikki:
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Your name sounds Jewish. You must be important.
   Pete:
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No. Well, I just -- you know, I run the show.
   Vikki:
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Mmm. Okay.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Hornberger. This is shocking.
   Tracy:
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Mind you business, son! He's embracing his power.

About Bianca

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   Liz:
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Hey, are you gonna come sit down? Cause they put out lobster tails, and I want to eat yours.
   Jack:
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Isn't she beautiful?
   Liz:
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Yeah what happened there?
   Jack:
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I just couldn't keep up with her, on any level. Socially it was a different party, a different charity event every night. I had to keep my tuxedo in my glove compartment. Sexually, she wanted it four or five times a day, always standing up.
   Liz:
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Standing up? What? How does that even work?
   Jack:
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You're kidding, right?
   Liz:
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Yeah.
   Jack:
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She left me, Lemon. Cause I was never enough for her. So now I keep it simple. Nothing but endless, meaningless one-night stands with a carousel of super hot women I couldn't care less about.
   Liz:
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That's heartbreaking.
   Jack:
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And her. She just keeps getting better. She lost weight. She cut her hair. Look at her over there, taunting me. Seeing her so happy and normal makes me crazy.
   Liz:
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Hey, you've got to move on. Maybe.
   Jack:
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Is she coming over here? If she comes over here, I'm gonna do something.
   Liz:
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Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go dance.
   Jack:
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No, no, no, no.
   Liz:
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Yeah, come on. It's a fast song.
   Jack:
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Okay, Easy there, Jackie Chan. Yeah. Be careful.

Dancing

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   Jenna:
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Oh. that tickles.
   Gerhardt:
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Oh, my dear Jenna. You are exquisite!
   Jenna:
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Uh, Gerhardt, would you like to dance?
   Gerhardt:
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Sadly because my body does not produce joint fluid, I cannot. But I would enjoy watching you dance for me.
   Jenna:
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Oh.
   Gerhardt:
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Jazz! Tap! Jitter Bug! Charleston! Interpretive! Twirl! Twirl again! Keep twirling!

Mistake Tonight

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   Vikki:
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Everyone thinks I'm 5'5, but I'm only 5'4".
   Pete:
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Wow! That is an amazing story!
   Vikki:
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Yeah.
   Kenneth:
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What are you doing? You are a married man.
   Pete:
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Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just -- I'm just dancing, Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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Do you remember the movie Footloose? Where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.
   Tracy:
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You gonna make a mistake tonight!
   Kenneth:
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Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.
   Pete:
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Botanical Garden.
   Kenneth:
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Botanical garden. You promised fidelity.
   Tracy:
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Lick her face!
   Kenneth:
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Think of god!
   Pete:
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Look both of you, calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in like 10 years.

Happy Birthday

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   Royal Assistant:
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Ladies und gentlemen, if you will please direct you attention to the center of the room, it is now time for the cake.
   Jenna:
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You're 25?
   Gerhardt:
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Yes! Can you believe it? Finally old enough to rent a car. Aaaah! Oh, It feels good to laugh.
   Everyone:
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Everyone: Singing of happy birthday in German
   Jack:
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You speak German?
   Liz:
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I think it is the most beautiful language in the world.
   Jenna:
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Yes, Yay.
   Jack:
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Is Jenna with Gerhardt?
   Liz:
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Yeah.
   Gerhardt:
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Bianca
   Bianca:
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Happy birthday.
   Gerhardt:
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Thank you.

Angels and Demons

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   Pete:
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V-Vikki! No. This is the men's room.
   Vikki:
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I know. I just wanted to talk to you.
   Pete:
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Ohn no. You don't need to do that. We should get back to the party. Right? I mean...shouldn't we? I mean...Right? The party?
   Vikki:
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I've never done it in a men's bathroom before. Well, in this building.
   Pete:
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Wow. You are....smooth.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Hornberger!
   Pete:
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Kenneth?
   Kenneth:
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You're making the biggest mistake of your life. Don't do it.
   Pete:
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Oh, I suppose you're gonna tell me I should do it.
   Tracy:
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No, I'm just looking for the lobby. But, yes, you should do it.
   Kenneth:
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No, you shouldn't. please, think of your children.
   Tracy:
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Be a Samson!
   Kenneth:
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You're a better man than this.
   Tracy:
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But she's so smooth.
   Pete:
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I'm sorry. I can't so this. I love my wife. My wife is not a Delliah, Tracy.
   Tracy:
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Hey, That's beautiful. I feel you, Hornberger. Who's that tickling my feet? I'm gonna kick you in your face. I know that.

Only Take So Much

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   Liz:
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Just water please.
   Bianca:
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Are you going to marry him?
   Liz:
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Oh, hi. what?
   Bianca:
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Are you going to marry Jack?
   Liz:
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Uh, I don't know. We've talked about it.
   Bianca:
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I can tell from the way he looks at you that he's serious. He's going to get you pregnant right away. I'm sure. A little late in life baby he can parade around Nantucket. The whole thing makes me want to vomit.
   Liz:
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Oh, no. You know --
   Bianca:
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I can take the models, The Rocketes, The Shakira, because, ultimately, I know they are going to leave him. But you....You can actually make him happy. And that, makes me want to sit on a knife!
   Liz:
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Wow.
   Bianca:
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I hate seeing Johnny happy!
   Liz:
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Oh, boy.

Fairy Tale

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   Gerhardt:
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Oh, Jenna. This is almost like something out of a fairy tale.
   Jenna:
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Yes. Almost.

Not Normal Nor Happy

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   Liz:
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Great news. Great news. Bianca is neither normal nor happy.
   Jack:
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You don't have to do this Lemon.
   Liz:
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I'm telling you, she's not over you. And get this. She was all jealous of me. She busted out crying over it.
   Jack:
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That's impossible.
   Liz:
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Fine. You don't believe me? I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna tell her that you just proposed to me. And you watch her. Watch how red her face gets.
   Liz:
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Hi. Bianca, I have to tell you, Jack and I are engaged.
   Jack:
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What do you know.

To Freedom

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   Gerhardt:
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Jenna, I know we have just met, but i think I love you. Do you love me?
   Jenna:
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Mm...hmm.
   Gerhardt:
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Oh! Knowing I have the love of a beautiful woman, has set me free!
   Jenna:
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I think you just lost an eyebrow.
   Gerhardt:
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to freedom! To us. oh. Thank you dear Jenna, and goodbye.
   Jenna:
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Goodbye? Why goodbye?
   Royal Assistant:
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Who let him drink champagne? He cannot metabolize the grapes. Someone call Dr. Spaceman!
   Jenna:
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Uh-oh.
   Liz:
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I think she pulled out a chunk of my hair.
   Jack:
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Really? Where? Oh, yeah.
   Jenna:
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We got to boogie, gang.
   Royal Assistant:
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Meime Damen und Herren! The Hapsburg line...has ended. You can pick up your gift bags at the coat check.

Tracy Inspired

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   Tracy:
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Hey, Pete. Real inspiring what you did back there. You're strong now. When your wife get home, you gonna mess it up?
   Pete:
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Actually, I think i might.
   Tracy:
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Let's go. You going down, Pete?
   Pete:
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Uh, I'll take the stairs.
   Kenneth:
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Hold the door, please.
   Lady:
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Girl: Mmm. You look like a baby.

End Of The Night

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   Liz:
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Well, thanks for a fun evening. sorry your friend died.
   Jack:
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When Gerhardt was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin that he would either live for 15 minutes or 100 years. Boy, he proved them all wrong.
   Liz:
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No. Please, come in.
   Jack:
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The look on Bianca's face just before she choked you. That was the most satisfying thing.
   Liz:
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It was pretty good.
   Jack:
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Oh, Just to know she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.
   Liz:
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That a boy. That's the Jack Donaghy I know.
   Jack:
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What are these, your, uh, bike shorts?
   Liz:
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All right. knock it off.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I want to thank you, for showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my own age.
   Liz:
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I'm twelve years younger than you.
   Jack:
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A woman your age then.
   Liz:
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Jack, wait. Oh my god. I thought you were....
   Jack:
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Oh, good lord, Lemon, let it go. That's never going to happen. I've been with beauty queens...
   Liz:
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Yes, I get it.
   Jack:
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....Pilates instructors, acrobats.
   Liz:
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Get out of here so i can take my shoes off.
   Jack:
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Come on.
   Jack:
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I had lunch with Martha Stewart and dinner with her daughter Alexis.
   Liz:
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Gross.