Hard Ball    [ Season 1 | Episode: 15 ]

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Maxim

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   Liz:
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Well this is an honor. I am friends with Number 4 on Maxim’s list of The Sexiest Women in Comedy.
   Jenna:
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Thanks. At first I was mad that Jessica Simpson was ahead of me, but then I saw The Dukes of Hazard. Funny! [Makeup woman slathers something on Jenna’s leg]
   Liz:
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What is that, baby oil?
   Jenna:
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Actually, they use salad dressing, cause it gets a better sheen.
   Liz:
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Jenna this is ridiculous. What does any of this have to do with comedy?
   Jenna:
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[with Steve Martin-esque arrow through her head, holding a rubber chicken] Ya Burnt!
   Liz:
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Listen I want to make sure you’re not gonna regret this, because its’- it’s not just cute guys who buy these magazines. It’s teenage boys with weird rashes and old guys that live at the “Y.”
   Jenna:
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Posing for Maxim is a good career move. There’s no shame in it.
   Photographer:
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[Loud Music starts] I’m laughing, I’m horny. Let’s do this.
   Photographer:
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[Jenna slip and slides on a black leather chair] Put the chicken near your mouth. [Jenna puts chicken near mouth then almost slides off the chair.]
   Liz:
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Oh!
   Photographer:
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Awesome. [Jenna keeps slipping and sliding. Crashes off-screen.]

Marbles

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   Liz:
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[Liz is lifting a 10-pound weight over her head with two hands. This is her exercise. Jack walks in] Well! You look happy. Somebody just have a root-beer float?
   Jack:
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No. Josh’s contract is up, which means its time for my favorite thing in the world -Negotiation. The essence of capitalism. There’s nothing like it. I wish there was somebody I could negotiate with – right now!
   Pete:
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[Pete pops his head into Liz’s office] Hey Jack? Just a reminder I need a few minutes to go over breakage today- how’s noon?
   Jack:
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Can’t do that. Make it 4 AM
   Pete:
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Oh, that’s no good. What about after rehearsal? 10 o’clock.
   Jack:
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Stop insulting me. 3 AM.
   Pete:
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Midnight. You bring the coffee.
   Jack:
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Two thirty. You bring the coffee. That’s my final.
   Pete:
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Done. [Jack inhales the sweet smell of victory. Pete walks out.]
   Liz:
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Wow. You do have a talent.
   Jack:
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I can’t wait to go mano a mano with Josh.
   Liz:
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Right. I think you mean ‘mano a toddler.” Josh is a very sweet, very dumb kid. Please go easy on him.
   Jack:
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I’ll try to remember that when you and I meet with him later.
   Liz:
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What, me? No, don’t make me be a part of this.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry … is just another way to rap.
   Liz:
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Oh Jack I don’t want to learn about negotiation. I just want Josh to stay. The show needs him.
   Jack:
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Lesson number one: you don’t need anyone. Sure Josh tests well with female viewers twelve to twenty-four which is important to advertisers, because young women will buy… just about anything.
   Cerie:
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[Tangent] These sunglasses have a chip in them that makes the lenses change color as my iPod loses power. [End tangent]
   Jack:
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But whatever Josh brings to the show, he’s still replaceable.
   Liz:
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He’s not replaceable as my friend.
   Jack:
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He’s not your friend now. He’s your opponent. He’s going to try to grab all the marbles, and it’s our job to hide them.
   Liz:
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That’s not how you play marbles Jack.
   Jack:
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But that’s how you keep them.

A Special Day

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   Tracy:
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[Grizz and Dotcom play rock paper scissors] Yo. Remember that email we got from those Nigerians that needed our help getting all that money out of Africa?
   Grizz:
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Yeah?
   Tracy:
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We did it! I got the check today.
   Dotcom:
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Say word.
   Tracy:
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Word is bond.
   Dotcom:
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All right.
   Tracy:
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I would have been happy if our only reward was just helping that dethroned Prince of Nigeria, but this is great. We should treat ourselves!
   Dotcom:
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Want to go to Vegas and buy a bunch of sarcophagi?
   Tracy:
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Nah. I don’t even use the ones I have!
   Dotcom:
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We could add someone else to the entourage.
   Tracy:
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That’s a good idea. Yo what’s Young Larry doing these days?
   Grizz:
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He’s in Jay-Z’s entourage.
   Tracy:
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What about Cheese?
   Dotcom:
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He’s rolling with Ghostface Killah now.
   Tracy:
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Fat Balls?
   Dotcom:
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Studying hotel administration at Cornell
   Tracy:
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Well go ahead Fat Balls! That’s a good program.
   Kenneth:
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Hello there Mr. Jordan. Mr. Slattery. Mr. Griswold. I picked up your lunch from Sylvia’s. Extra cornbread, because I know you like it!
   Tracy:
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Like it? I love it. I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant. [Dotcom, Grizz and Kenneth all laugh]
   Kenneth:
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Pregnant cornbread!
   Tracy:
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Ken, you like doing stuff for me, right? [Kenneth nods head in the affirmative]
   Tracy:
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How would you like to be in my entourage?
   Kenneth:
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Well that sounds like fun. What would I do?
   Tracy:
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Well let’s see. Dotcom does the driving and the cooking. Grizz is in charge of sitting on me when I get over stimulated. [Grizz nods] Well, I have been looking for someone to harmonize with me.
   Tracy:
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“The sun will come out…”
   Tracy:
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(Along with Kenneth) “Tomorrow. Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…”
   Kenneth:
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“Fa-la-la-la!”
   Tracy:
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(Along with Kenneth) “They’ll be sun”
   Grizz:
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This is a really special day.
   Tracy:
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(Along with Kenneth) “Just thinking about …”

Troops and Troupes

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   Josh:
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Yowza.
   Frank:
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Nice.
   Jenna:
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[Maxim magazine is open to big photo spread of Jenna, “Jenna Maroney tickles our funny bone”] Isn’t it great?
   Frank:
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These are the sexiest women in comedy? Where’s Jackeé?
   Liz:
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Jenna, have you read your interview yet?
   Jenna:
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Oh, no. Did I come across as interesting? ‘Cause I tried to mention Bono as much as possible.
   Liz:
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No you come across as crazy. Why did you tell them that you hate the troops?
   Jenna:
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What? I didn’t say I hate the troops!
   Photographer:
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[Flashback to photo session, music pounding] You know we have a huge readership in the armed forces-
   Jenna:
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What?
   Photographer:
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Do you have anything you want to say to our beleaguered troops?
   Jenna:
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Theater troupes?
   Photographer:
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Yeah, the, uh, troops!
   Jenna:
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Ugh, I hate theater troupes! They think what they do is so important! [End flashback]
   Liz:
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“… but it’s just a bunch of gay guys that like to get in silly costumes and prance around.”
   Jenna:
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No, Liz, he heard me wrong! You know that I love the troops. Do you remember that Fleet Week after I broke up with David?
   Liz:
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Oh God, this is bad. Nobody reads the articles in these things, right?
   Jenna:
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No.
   Liz:
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Maybe no one will pick it up?

The Plan, Part One

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   Martha Blanch:
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These Holly-weirdoes from La-La-Land, like Jenna Moron-ey, are just un-American. So we are calling for a boycott of NBC, General Electric and their parent company, the Sheinhardt Wig Corporation!
   Jenna:
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Jack, I was misquoted.
   Liz:
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This is my fault. I never should have let her do this Maxim in the first place.
   Jack:
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We’re going to nip this thing in the bud. Jenna is going to make a public apology tomorrow on “Hardball.” [Jenna nods]
   Jack:
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You know what that is, don’t you?
   Jenna:
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Yes. Should I prepare a song?
   Jack:
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I really can’t wait to renegotiate your contract.
   Jenna:
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Thank you sir.

Free ChocoStix?

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   Josh:
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[Josh takes a cell phone photo of his throat, looks at it and is startled.] What?
   Liz:
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Hey.
   Josh:
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Does my vulva look swollen?
   Liz:
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Come here. [They walk to secret hideout]
   Liz:
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I just want to warn you, as a friend, about this contract thing. Jack is gunning for you.
   Josh:
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Really?
   Liz:
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Don’t worry. You’re not going anywhere. Jack said advertisers love you, because you test great with women twelve to twenty-four.
   Josh:
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Which advertisers? Could I get free ChocoStix?
   Liz:
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Just don’t be pushy about your contract, and I promise we will get through this.
   Josh:
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Yeah, um. Alan actually told me not to talk to anybody about this.
   Liz:
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Alan? Who’s Alan?
   Alan:
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[Talking to a woman receptionist] Yeah, a Jacuzzi- you know, the whole nine yards. [He spots Jack] Jack! Jack Donaghy. Alan Steiner. Good to see you. I’m Josh Girard’s agent.
   Jack:
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Oh really?
   Alan:
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Listen, um, I’d love to grab a little face time with you, “R E” Josh’s contract offer. We’ve got some serious troubs, my friend. We are not smiles times.
   Jack:
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I’m sorry to hear that Alan.
   Alan:
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What’s your sched manana? Cause this is gonna be one serious negosh.
   Jack:
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My “sched” is wide open Alan. Hasta manana.

Life in an Entourage

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   Tracy:
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(Along with Kenneth) “What a man, what a man, what a man, what a might good man”
   Kenneth:
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“A might mighty good man”
   Tracy:
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Yeah!
   Tracy:
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So entourage, what’s on the schedule for today?
   Grizz:
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I have us penciled in for Halo.
   Tracy:
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I love Halo! I love Halo so much, I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant! [Dotcom and Grizz laugh]
   Kenneth:
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Why are you guys laughing so hard? That’s the same joke Mr. Jordan said earlier. [Dotcom and Grizz signal to Kenneth to play cool]
   Tracy:
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I don’t think so, “K”, cause I like to keep my material fresh. I like to keep things fresh so much that I want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
   Tracy:
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[Kenneth and Tracy play Halo. Kenneth kills Tracy quickly] Whoa, who just killed me? That’s never happened before.
   Kenneth:
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I did Mr. Jordan!
   Tracy:
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That’s impossible! I beat all the worlds’ best players- Grizz, Dotcom, my publicist, my stylist.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, well I just killed you again.
   Tracy:
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You’re cheating! And I don’t want to play no more! I hate this. Grizz, I think it’s best you come sit on me. [Grizz sits on Tracy’s back]

Hardball Prep 101

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   Jenna:
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And I just want the troops to kill everyone and come on home!
   Liz:
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Pretty good, but this is “Hardball” Jenna. So you might want to be more specific. You could say that you support the troops, but you feel that the war was poorly planned, and started under false pretenses, and that we should have used those resources to hunt down Osama bin Laden.
   Jenna:
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Liz, I’m just worried that I’m gonna sound like I don’t know what I’m talking about.
   Liz:
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Hey! Would Sharon Stone worry about that? [Jenna shakes head “no.”]
   Liz:
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Would Richard Gere?
   Jenna:
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No.
   Liz:
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Then you go out there and you voice your opinions like a star. Okay, what are you gonna do if they ask you about ’08?
   Jenna:
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Well, of course I want Hilary to be the first woman president.
   Liz:
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Ugh. No. Obama, you support Barack Obama. [Jenna is unsure]
   Liz:
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Remember, you liked those pictures of him at the beach?
   Jenna:
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Oh right. Obama- what is he, Hispanic?
   Liz:
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No, he’s black.
   Jenna:
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And he’s running for president? Good luck!

The Negoshe

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   Liz:
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Is this new furniture?
   Jack:
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This is my negotiation set. [Jonathan leads Alan and Josh into office]
   Jack:
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Gentleman, please sit down. [Alan and Josh sink into their chairs. Jack and Liz’s seats are higher]
   Alan:
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All right. Let’s skip the foreplay and get right to the penetrashe.
   Liz:
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Ugh.
   Alan:
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Josh is looking for a fifteen percent raise, a two pic guarantee from Universal and time off for every Jewish holiday, no matter how ridiculous.
   Josh:
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I mean, Yaznacht is coming up.
   Liz:
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That seems pretty reasonable, right Jack?
   Jack:
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Here’s my counter-offer. [Digs into pants pocket] One dollar. [Sets dollar on table]
   Alan:
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What?
   Liz:
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Oh boy.
   Alan:
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That’s absurd.
   Jack:
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You know what’s absurd? These photos I found of Josh rough-housing with Lance Bass at Sea World.
   Josh:
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What? We were just being silly.
   Jack:
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My offer is now seventy-five cents. Tick tock, tick tock tick tock…
   Josh:
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It keeps getting lower. I think we should take it.
   Alan:
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Relax. [To Jack] Look Jack, we know about the testing. Women from twelve to twenty-four love my guy.
   Jack:
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Who told you that?
   Josh:
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Oh, Liz did.
   Liz:
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Shut up!
   Josh:
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What?
   Jack:
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That was privileged information. [He glares]
   Alan:
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That’s what I thought! Awse! We are back in the game! [Josh and Alan hi-5]
   Jack:
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[whispers to Liz] I knew you weren’t ready for a Big Chair!

Breakdown

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   Dotcom:
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Yo Kenneth, we need to talk man.
   Kenneth:
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Oh. I’ve had this conversation before. You’re marrying my Mom, aren’t you?
   Dotcom:
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No. It’s about how you’re treating Tracy. You’re beating him at Halo, you’re not laughing at his jokes. He’s the king around here, you gotta respect that!
   Kenneth:
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Oh my gosh. I had no idea I was causing a problem.
   Tracy:
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Hey. I got next game. Hold up. How are you beating Kenneth, Grizz?
   Grizz:
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I- I don’t know.
   Tracy:
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If Kenneth can beat me, and you can beat Kenneth, then by the transitive property, you should beat me too. Have you been letting me win?
   Dotcom:
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Just at some things.
   Tracy:
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Things?? Plural?!?
   Dotcom:
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[Whip to flashback. Tracy, Dotcom and Grizz play Trivial Pursuit] What is the world’s only egg-laying mammal?
   Tracy:
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The Easter Bunny!
   Dotcom:
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Right again!
   Grizz:
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That’s a green pie piece.
   Tracy:
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[Flashback 2: Tracy Dotcom and Grizz play basketball, they both lift him to slam-dunk] Oh yea! What cat! [Chest bumps Dotcom] Yeah Dotcom! [Chest bumps Grizz] Yeah Grizz! [End flashbacks]
   Tracy:
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Have you two been treating me like this all this time? Like a child? No, no no. I won’t stand for this. Entourage: disbanded!
   Kenneth:
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[Tracy claps twice, exits. Dotcom, Grizz and Kenneth are all upset] Oh my.

She was great on that “Arliss”

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   Chris Matthews:
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[Jenna is on Hardball, multi-screened between Chris on left, and Tucker on the right] Tucker Carlson, you heard what Jenna Maroney had to say. She supports the troops.
   Tucker Carlson:
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Well here’s a question Chris. Why do we care what she thinks about anything? This woman strikes me as another empty-headed, self-involved member of the Hollywood ignorati.
   Jenna:
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You know, for someone who is super super hot, you’re really cranky. I have just as much right to my opinion as you or Chris. [Liz nods encouragement]
   Chris Matthews:
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I’m not sure you do. You’ve been on this show for twenty minutes now. You sang six bars of something called Muffin Top-
   Jenna:
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Thank you!
   Chris Matthews:
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and then told a disgusting story about Fleet Week!
   Tucker Carlson:
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I guess this is the state of political discourse in this country nowadays, and that’s fine. Let’s just embrace it. Let’s have our policies determined by former cable ACE award nominees.
   Jenna:
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First, I was great in that “Arli$$!” Second of all, if the President is so serious about the War On Terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama, before he strikes again? [Liz waves at her mistake] It’s time for a change America. That’s why I’m voting for Osama in 2008!
   Jenna:
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[Liz faints. Tucker and Chris are speechless] Oh, no comeback?! YA BURNT!

The Plan, Part Two

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   Liz:
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Hey Jack I was totally gonna call you.
   Jack:
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Which of your massive screw-ups should we discuss first? How about the Jenna situation?
   Liz:
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That is taken care of. I have written an Op-Ed piece for The New York Times, under Jenna’s name, in which I put the media on trial.
   Jack:
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Boo! Here’s the plan. We’re gonna take Jenna, put some flags behind her, have her sing a song that rhymes “USA” with “Make them pay,” dress her in an eagle costume, and we’re gonna call it a “Salute the Troops” episode.
   Liz:
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Okay…
   Jack:
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Moving on, Josh Girard. I had him right where I wanted him. Until my partner- Pfft- stabbed me in the back.
   Liz:
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I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sorry. I was just trying to give my friend a heads-up.
   Liz:
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Why can’t we all just sit down in normal chairs, and figure this out? Cerie, is Josh in yet?
   Cerie:
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Josh isn’t coming in today. He’s sick. He said he was throwing up all night.
   Jack:
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A sick-out! I didn’t think he had it in him.
   Liz:
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What are you talking about?
   Jack:
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He’s faking. He’s gonna stay home until we give into his demands.
   Liz:
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No, Josh could not come up with a sneaky plan like that. He told me he was a pallbearer at his brother’s wedding. He’s probably just sick because he’s stressed out about his job.
   Jack:
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Lemon, what happened in your childhood to make you believe that people are good?
   Liz:
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You know what? If my friendships and my job are incompatible, I choose my friends. And right now I am going to get some chicken soup from Josh’s favorite place and take it to him, and say that I hope he feels better.
   Jack:
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Do you ever get any emails other than from “match.com”?
   Liz:
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No, no. Don’t look at that, that’s [closes laptop on desk]

No to Yes Men

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   Tracy:
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[Tracy plays basketball alone, tries to dunk, and is not even close] Dammit! Close right? I feel like I’m above the rim. I can’t palm the ball.
   Kenneth:
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Sir, I think you made a mistake firing Grizz and Dotcom. They just wanted to make you feel better about yourself.
   Tracy:
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They disrespected me.
   Kenneth:
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But don’t you miss them?
   Tracy:
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You’re the only one I can trust, K. You’re my whole entourage now.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I’m not so sure I can handle that.
   Tracy:
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Yes you can, because you were honest with me. I don’t need a couple of “yes men.” I need the truth.
   Kenneth:
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Well. If that’s the case, then you should know, that you’re never gonna dunk this basketball. Also, that Oscar you have is made of chocolate. And that lady you “European kissed” last night was actually a gentleman.
   Tracy:
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Okay. That’s enough.


It’s Just Business

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   Liz:
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A large chicken soup to go please.
   Producer:
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Jon and I saw your tape- very, very impressed. You seem like a perfect match for “The Daily Show.” We’re always looking for new correspondents.
   Liz:
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Josh? [Josh sees Liz] You stupid turd.
   Josh:
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Hey! Liz… this is—
   Liz:
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Yeah, I can guess who this is. Are you trying to get on another show, behind my back?
   Josh:
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Look, Liz, I’m sorry. It’s just business.
   Liz:
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No! It’s not “business.” I stood up for you! You were opening for a puppet show when I found you! How could you betray me like this? You know, that’s not even the worst part. You want to know what the worst part is? [Starts hitting him] You. Proved. Jack Donaghy. Right. Again! [She starts to walk away, comes back] And by the way, what kind of moron calls out sick and then comes to work to have a meeting?
   Josh:
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I get an NBC discount here.
   Liz:
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Idiot! [Turns to Daily Show producer] I’m a big fan of your show.
   Liz:
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[Liz walks unannounced into Jack’s office] I want you to crush Josh. I want you to crush him! [Jack smiles]

Tray’s TV

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   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, Keith called on your cell. He said they were at “the thing,” and Little Zay just ended up running.
   Tracy:
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What did you tell him?
   Kenneth:
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Well he wanted Dwayne Jr.’s number, so I gave it to him.
   Tracy:
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You did what?! Dammit K, now I have to hear from Tanisha’s mama how they both met at the twins. You have to handle this stuff better.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, I don’t know any of these people.
   Tracy:
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But Grizz would… Dammit, turn on the TV for me.
   Kenneth:
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Dotcom set this up. I don’t know how it works.
   Tracy:
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[Yells at TV] Television on! Pornography!

The Worm

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   Jack:
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Good, you’re here. Josh and his agent are on the way up.
   Liz:
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Yeah. Then they’re gonna be on their way down!
   Jack:
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Um, you know, that was weak, but you’re in the mix, you’re having fun, I like that.
   Jack:
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[Alan and Josh enter] Gentleman, make yourselves comfortable.
   Josh:
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[They can’t find any chairs. Josh sees photos of young men on the table.] What are all these headshots for?
   Jack:
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Nothing. Just some meetings we’re taking.
   Josh:
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Meetings?
   Liz:
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And if -- [Jack puts hand on her wrist, she stops]
   Alan:
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Look Jack, I think I should tell you; Josh has an offer from The Daily Show.
   Jack:
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Yes, Liz mentioned that. I don’t think that’s gonna pan out.
   Josh:
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What, are you kidding?
   Alan:
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What happened? What did you do to our offer?
   Jack:
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I called my friend Sol Sheinhardt, of our parent company, Sheinhardt Wigs, who called his nephew Morty Sheinhardt, who called his son, [whispers] Jon Stewart.
   Liz:
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Ha ha! Ya burnt!
   Jack:
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Let’s get down to brass tacks. Josh can stay.
   Josh:
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Thank God!
   Jack:
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But no raise, no movies, and only one Jewish holiday. What’s the one where they go into the tent?
   Alan:
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Sukkoth.
   Jack:
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That’s the one. We got a deal?
   Alan:
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Deal. Thank you. I need this money. I have a really bad sex addiction.
   Jack:
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Sorry.
   Liz:
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That’s it?!? I thought you said we could crush him.
   Jack:
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What are you talking about? I took away everything, that’s a crushing.
   Liz:
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No, do more stuff! [To Josh] You made me look like an idiot. You have to pay.
   Jack:
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Liz, he’s not getting a raise.
   Liz:
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Do The Worm! [Josh looks at Jack, who looks at Liz] DO The Worm! [Josh gets on the floor, mimics being a worm on the ground.]
   Jack:
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Good Lord! The Worm. That’s so degrading. Are its origins German?
   Liz:
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Uh. Now say five reasons I’m better than you!
   Josh:
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You’re smarter than me.
   Liz:
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One!
   Josh:
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You can beat me at arm wrestling
   Liz:
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Two!
   Josh:
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Uh, you read the paper!
   Liz:
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Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper!
   Alan:
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Do you want me to do anything?
   Liz:
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Be a crab!
   Alan:
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A crab! [He gets on floor next to Josh]
   Liz:
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Fight the Worm!
   Jack:
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Wow! Liz, you took to this like a natural. More than I ever--- Okay now, the crab is just getting aroused. Shut it down. Shut it down.

Problems With Pinwheels

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   Jenna:
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“Small town, worn fatigues Big dreams, and Little Leagues Gigantic star-spangle fireworks light up the night”
   Pete:
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You know you actually did a good job on this.
   Liz:
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Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids, and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean I don’t love America. [She winks]
   Jenna:
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“I said America!”
   Everyone:
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“She said America!”
   Jenna:
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“I said Amer…iii”
   Liz:
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and cue the pinwheels!
   Jenna:
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“… Ca!!!!!”
   Pete:
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Okay the pinwheels are lit, but they’re not spinning. And when they’re not spinning they look exactly like-
   Everyone:
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Booooo!
   Liz:
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Swastikas!

Nobody Does It Better

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   Martha Blanch:
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“TGS” - Totally Godless Suckers. Or Satanists. Ooh, that’s even better.
   Jenna:
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Hi! [Protestors throw things at her, she goes back into building]
   Tracy:
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[Exits to riled up crowd] Entourage? [Martha jumps on Tracy] You got to get me out of here!
   Kenneth:
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Make a path!
   Tracy:
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Get off me! Help!!!
   Tracy:
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[Grizz and Dotcom burst through crowd in slo-mo to save Tracy] Tracy sings: And I -I - I … will always love you [Grizz carries Tracy out safely through crowd]
   Tracy:
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(Along with Kenneth) Fa –la-la-la, fa-la-la-la
   Tracy:
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I will always love you…
   Dotcom:
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Wow Tray, you sure did save us from that crowd yo!
   Grizz:
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He sure did man, you sure did!
   Tracy:
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Yeah… of course I did! I love you guys. I love you so much, I’m gonna take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant. I love you Dotcom, I love you Grizz. [Kenneth and Tracy continue to sing, “I will always love you” through end credits.]