30 Rock Quotes

The Doctor is in


	Dr. Spaceman:	[Jack coughs] And cough. [Jack coughs again]. And cough [Jack coughs again]. Okay! Now, let's start the examination.
	Doctor:	Are you getting enough sleep?
	Liz:	No.
	Doctor:	Drinking water?
	Liz:	No.
	Doctor:	Are you exercising at all?
	Liz:	No.
	Doctor:	And you're still working those long hours.
	Liz:	Yes.
	Jack:	I feel great! My wedding's in a couple of days.
	Dr. Spaceman:	The 18^th, right? Same as Bianca's.
	Jack:	I guess our friends will just have to choose between us. My mother's coming up from Florida to attend Bianca's wedding, so it's perfect.
	Dr. Spaceman:	Do you have any questions about the wedding night?
	Doctor:	You're actually in better shape than last year. You lost a couple pounds, your lab work is good, and your blood pressure is.
	Dr. Spaceman:	-310 over 280! We have a winner! How's the stress eating?
	Jack:	Under control.
	Doctor:	You're still not eating right, huh?
	Liz:	No, but I am eating a lot!
	Doctor:	You sound stressed.
	Liz:	My boyfriend is moving to Cleveland, but I'm gonna go visit him over vacation. And my boss is super mad at me because I know that he fell asleep on top of his fiancée.
	Dr. Spaceman:	Have I given you my new book? [He holds out a book titled "You're Doing It Wrong!"] It's about having a satisfying love life. For life!
	Jack:	Is that you in these pictures?
	Dr. Spaceman:	My techniques guarantee male orgasm.
	Liz:	And it's the season finale of my show this week and the star is missing and may have been abducted by a cabal of powerful black celebrities.
	Doctor:	That sounds stressful.

Without Tracy


	Liz:	Has anyone heard from Tracy at all? Grizz? DotCom? Anything?
	Pete:	Well I guess if he's not back by tomorrow morning, we'll give some of his parts to Josh and cut the rest.
	Josh:	Can I play Barack Obama?
	Liz:	No! It's bad enough we have Tracy playing Barack Obama.
	Cerie:	I'm trying to get a head count for the end of the year party. Should I include Tracy and his guests? Or do you think he's dead?
	Liz:	No! He is not dead! He's just.
	Jack:	Lemon, could I speak with you a moment? I know you and I are not on good terms, but we do need to work together to bring Tracy back here.
	Liz:	Do you think I'm trying to not find Tracy?
	Jack:	Well Lemon, I cannot endure another failure.
	Liz:	Jack, trust me. Nobody wants to do the show without Tracy.
	Jenna:	We used to do it every week without him. I'm just saying.
	Pete:	I hope he's okay.
	Liz:	I hope he's taking his medication.
	Kenneth:	And I hope he took a jacket, cause it can get real chilly there.

Interrogation


	Kenneth:	I'm sorry, but I swore I wouldn't tell anyone where Tracy is.
	Jack:	Kenneth, my ex-girlfriend is a member of the Black Crusaders. I can make all of this go away.
	Kenneth:	My lips are sealed. Key in pocket.
	Jack:	You are pissing off the wrong person, do you hear me? Now you tell me where he is.
	Liz:	You turtle-faced goon! I will cut you open like a tauntaun-
	Jack:	You mouth-breathing Appalachian! [At the same time as Liz]
	Liz:	You mouth-breathing Appalachian! [At the same time as Jack]
	Kenneth:	Fine. I will tell you, right now, that you are never gonna find him.

Welcome to Needmore


	Jessie:	Mr. Jordan! Mr. Jordan!
	Tracy:	I think you have me confused with someone else. My name is Gordon Shimeshko.
	Jessie:	Oh. I'm Jesse Parcell, Kenneth's cousin.
	Tracy:	Kenneth should have given you the code word.
	Jessie:	What?
	Tracy:	That's it!
	Jessie:	It's such a thrill to meet you!
	Tracy:	Hey, thanks for takin me in Jesse. I won't be a burden. Now make me a smoothie and let's go clubbing.
	Jessie:	Oh. We don't have dancing or liquor here. But cousin Kenneth sent me all your movies! At night I laughed so hard, it really riles up the wolves! Yeah! Oh! I loved Honky Grandma Be Trippin! Check it, check it. 'Now you boys so this honky grandma gonna show ya how to breakdance!' And then he went-Check it. Two time! I nearly wet my other pair of underpants!

Baby Bucket


	Jack:	Did you call Tracy's wife on the phone?
	Liz:	Yeah. As far as she knew he's been shooting a vampire movie in Bucharest since February.
	Jack:	Lemon, I'm getting married in a couple of days and I don't need any more stress in my life right now.
	Colleen:	Jackykins!
	Jack:	Colleen! I mean...Mom!
	Colleen:	Oh nevermind! Well, well, well, well, well. This must be the one! Huh? Phoebe! Welcome.
	Jack:	No, no, no. [At the same time as Liz]
	Liz:	No, no, no. [At the same time as Jack]
	Jack:	Mother, this is not Phoebe.
	Liz:	No, no.
	Colleen:	This is not Phoebe? Well why the hell not? I mean, she's perfect. Character-she's got strength of character. And I'll tell you something else; she's got a good, solid, baby bucket.
	Liz:	You are a sassy old broad, aren't you?
	Phoebe:	Hello!
	Jack:	Mother, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, this is my mother.
	Phoebe:	Hello mother Donaghy, I'm Phoebe! It's such a pleasure to meet you. I love your little hat!
	Colleen:	Oh my god.

Hillbilly


	Jessie:	I'll get it. Hello?
	Kenneth:	Rooster? This is the farmer. Is the egg safe?
	Jessie:	The egg is in the nest.
	Kenneth:	Good. But be careful. The badger and the bear have been asking questions.
	Jessie:	I don't know who you're talking about. Listen, you don't have to worry bout Tracy, okay? He's with his biggest fan.
	Kenneth:	Hillbilly.
	Jessie:	Hayseed.
	Tracy:	Was that Kenneth? What's going on in New York? Did he go to Russell Simmon's birthday party? Were there girls there with butts?
	Jessie:	Mr. Jordan, you need to forget about New York, you're not a movie star anymore. Your name is Gordon Shimeshko, you live in Needmore, Pensylvania, where we don't go out at night, because of the wolves.
	Tracy:	Right.

Long Distance


	Liz:	You know we almost got through the whole season without him going completely bonkers. Now, you know, he's just gone and if he doesn't get back in time I'm going to have to rewrite the whole show.
	Floyd:	Hey, I'm sorry, but can we talk about something besides work?
	Liz:	Umm... Okay. What's the weather like there?
	Floyd:	Umm... It's actually in the mid 40s.
	Liz:	Oh really? Because it's low 40s here.
	Floyd:	Really?
	Liz:	Yeah.
	Floyd:	Wow.
	Liz:	So what are you doing?
	Floyd:	I'm uh...I'm waiting for the bus. So uh...I should probably just focus...focus on that, you know?
	Liz:	Oh, okay. Um. Call me later?
	Floyd:	Okay. Bye.
	Liz:	No I haven't found him yet.
	Jack:	I have to go to dinner tonight with my mother and Phoebe and my mother has requested that you join us. She likes you.
	Liz:	No way.
	Jack:	She's not asking, she's telling. Please! And try to get her to like Phoebe just a little, okay? You owe me.
	Liz:	Okay fine. But I want a lobster.
	Jack:	Okay.
	Liz:	I want two lobsters, totalling five pounds of lobster meat.

Un-famous


	Jessie:	And after that, we can clean the dead birds out of the chimney. That's why we bought these metal rods. Don't you just love Spring?
	Lady:	Baltimore was amazing. Do you know Wacky Willy from 102.7? We totally did it in the prize van! I'll pretty much do anything to someone that's famous.
	Tracy:	Wassup?
	Lady:	What are you looking at?
	Tracy:	I'll tell you what you're looking at. I'm...Gordon Shimeshko.

The Verdict


	Phoebe:	I always thought it'd be lovely to get married in the spring just as the petunias start to bloom.
	Colleen:	Sorry, Phoebe, what?
	Phoebe:	I always wanted to marry in the spring, just as the petunias bloom.
	Colleen:	Just when the what?
	Phoebe:	Oh, dear. Is she hard of hearing?
	Colleen:	No, no, no! I can hear you. I just wanted to make sure you could hear you.
	Phoebe:	Right. I'm off to the loo.
	Colleen:	Looooo! What a good idea. (Phoebe leaves. Colleen turns to Liz) Alright, scout's honour. What do you think of her?
	Liz:	She's very well read. And she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a white geisha.
	Colleen:	A white geisha? Say no more, shark eyes. Jack, I want you to face facts, alright? She is not the right girl for you. You got it wrong with Bee-yanka, remember? And now you're getting it wrong with what's-her-name.
	Jack:	Well you oughta know, Colleen; the only marriage in the history of St. Helen's Catholic Church where the priest recommended the divorce. And it's not Bee-yanka, like Zanka, it's Bianca like Willy Wonka.
	Liz:	Are you alright?
	Colleen:	Could we order dessert?

Helpline


	Kenneth:	Studio 6H.
	Tracy:	Kenneth, you have to come get me!
	Kenneth:	Really? But what about the Black Crusaders?
	Tracy:	I don't care what they do to me anymore. I'd rather die famous than to live for a hundred years like this: carrying plastic bags, sitting on benches, brushing my own teeth –this is unsuitable!
	Kenneth:	Mr. Jordan, if you're serious, then we have less than twenty four hours. The show needs you.
	Jessie:	What are you doing?
	Tracy:	Hey dude! Jesse, hey listen, I gotta get out of here because.
	Jessie:	You're not going anywhere. And that phone is for local calls only!
	Kenneth:	Hello?

Pillow talk


	Phoebe:	Did you get a chance to look at those silk samples I bought you?
	Jack:	No.
	Phoebe:	Jack, you desperately need new pyjamas. They do such beautiful things, it's like wearing your own skin to bed.
	Jack:	That sounds wonderful.
	Phoebe:	Have you ever thought about a faux finish for that ceiling?
	Jack:	Shhhhhh…
	Phoebe:	Careful. My bones. Are you alright?
	Jack:	Well in your condition, ordinarily, wouldn't you just be on top?
	Phoebe:	I can't. I have vertigo.
	Colleen:	It's a bloody shame nobody waits for their wedding night anymore.
	Jack:	Go to bed mother!
	Colleen:	You promised you'd go over my taxes.
	Jack:	This is it. Here it comes. The big one. Ride it, Donaghy! Ride it straight to hell!
	Phoebe:	Bollocks.

Bad connection


	Floyd:	So you still at work, huh?
	Liz:	Yeah of course. Tracy's gone, I'm still at work. It's a nightmare. Ugh! Is that how far apart my eyes are?! I look like Admiral Ackbar.
	Floyd:	Relax. It's one of the reasons I like you.
	Liz:	So listen, I was going to fly out there on Saturday but I've got a bunch of things I have to take care of so now I'm gonna come out there next Wednesday.
	Floyd:	Oh..(transmission breaks up)..not...Wednesday? (garbled talk)
	Liz:	Oh, what's this thing doing now?
	Floyd:	Uh oh. Yeah....Liz....isn't workin...breakin up....
	Liz:	Did you say we're breaking up?
	Floyd:	Yeah. What? Wait why did you say we're breaking up?
	Liz:	What? Who calls at three in the morning? Hello? What? Oh my god. What hospital?
	Floyd:	Are you breaking up with me? Whoa, Liz!

Scurvy


	Phoebe:	No, no, no. There has to be some sort of misunderstanding. I'm his fiancée.
	Nurse:	I'm sorry, you're not family and you're not his emergency contact. Now his mother can go in if she wants to.
	Colleen:	Oh no. I'm not going in there. I go in there, I get bird flu, I don't come out.
	Liz:	Hi, I'm Liz Lemon, somebody called me.
	Nurse:	Oh yes, Mr. Donaghy designated you as his emergency contact.
	Liz:	What?
	Dr. Spaceman:	Ladies! What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening and the hostess's dog attacked me, so I had to stab it. Jack's going to be fine. But he has had a pretty serious cardiac episode. Also, I suspect he may have scurvy because he keeps asking for lemon.
	Liz:	No, that's me.
	Colleen:	Tell him is mother's here. And she loves him. But not in a queer way.

One regret


	Jack:	Lemon, is that you?
	Liz:	Yeah, it's me. How are you feeling?
	Jack:	They gave me something. My mouth tastes like purple.
	Liz:	Okay.
	Jack:	I saw it Lemon. My whole life passing before my eyes. Neil Patterson pitching me the rotating microwave tray. Me personally coining the phrase "what's the upside." Participating in hands across America. And all the time I've been on this earth I have only one regret: I should have worked more.
	Liz:	That's what you're taking away from this experience?
	Jack:	Work is the only thing I'm good at. Lemon, you and I have that in common.
	Liz:	No, Jack. That's not true.
	Jack:	I've been rolling calls from here, trying to spin this Tracy thing.
	Liz:	No, Jack. Forget about Tracy, you have to relax!
	Jack:	No, no, no, no, no. You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Tracy or we are gonna be screwed.
	Liz:	Okay.
	Jack:	Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say sock it to me.
	Liz:	Great.
	Jack:	How's the DOW doing?

Chimney Birds


	Kenneth:	You'll like my cousin Jessie, he's real sweet. Ooo! They got a door! That's new.
	Jessie:	Hello there, cousin, what brings you to Parcell Hollow?
	Kenneth:	Well I'm here to pick up Tracy of course.
	Jessie:	Well that's peculiar. He just left first thing this morning.
	Kenneth:	Oh! I guess I must have misunderstood him.
	Jessie:	Must have. Sorry you came all this way for nothing. I'd invite you in but I got a living room full of dead chimney birds. Shhh, we must rest, my chimney bird. Tonight we're reading my screenplay!

Under Pressure


	Pete:	I just timed the show and without Tracy we're still twenty minutes short.
	Josh:	Liz! On the show, I could do the thing where I walk like robo-cop. (Robot voice) Your move, creep.
	Liz:	That's great, that's completely topical [shoves Josh away]
	Pete:	Oh! Hey, Cerie, would you like to dance in front of the band on tv tonight? For like ten minutes?
	Cerie:	What band?
	Pete:	Our house band.
	Cerie:	No thanks. Uhh, Floyd called.
	Pete:	How's that going?
	Liz:	Not great. You know, we had a web chat last night and I thought he said he wanted to break up with me.
	Pete:	That must have freaked you out.
	Liz:	Actually, I was kind of relieved.
	Jenna:	Hey guys, I hear you're looking for someone to dance in front of the band?
	Liz:	Uhhhh...no. [At the same time as Pete]
	Pete:	Uhhhh...no. [At the same time as Liz]
	Jenna:	Oh. Isn't this exciting? Everyone pulling together; I think the show's gonna be really good this week! Oh, I hope Tray's okay.
	Liz:	Ugh. Floyd.

Vehicle Escape


	Jessie:	Tracy, time for lunch. I hope you like chicken n- [sees Tracy's gone] Tracy has escaped!
	Tracy:	Thanks, Kenneth for saving me!
	Kenneth:	I'll have you in New York in time for your traditional pre-show rant.
	Tracy:	I think it's gonna be about immigration.
	Kenneth:	By the Hammer of Thor!!
	Jessie:	You can't get away from me! I will find you! I remember what you look like! You're so stupid! I just gotta reload! Damn, I wish I had a vehicle!

The Truth Comes Out


	Phoebe:	Jack, I'm filling out all new paperwork to make me your emergency contact.
	Jack:	Of course, Phoebe. You should.
	Phoebe:	I mean it's just so embarrassing.
	Nurse:	Mr. Donaghy, you want dessert?
	Jack:	Good, God yes.
	Colleen:	Let me ask you a few questions, Jack. Do you dye your hair?
	Jack:	No, mother. Why would I do that?
	Colleen:	Okay. What's your middle name?
	Jack:	What?!
	Colleen:	Just your middle name!
	Jack:	Francis!
	Colleen:	Did you take twenty dollars out of my pocket book in the summer of 1970?
	Jack:	No I did not! [Heart rate monitor beeps faster]
	Colleen:	Do you love me?
	Jack:	Of course I do!!
	Colleen:	I knew it.
	Phoebe:	Do you love me? I see.
	Dr. Spaceman:	They've got pretzels downstairs!!

Mistake-Accident


	Kenneth:	We're so close and yet so far!
	Tracy:	Caw! Hey, do you guys know what's causing the traffic problem?
	EMT:	Yeah, the Presidents in town, there's a transit strike, it's the Dominican Independence Day Parade, a guy in suspenders is doing chalk paintings down on Canal street.
	Tracy:	Do you know how long it's gonna take for me to get to midtown?
	EMT:	Without sirens? Hours.
	Tracy:	Hey, I need you to take me.
	EMT:	Let me explain ambulances to you, sir. We don't go anywhere unless someone is badly hurt, okay?
	Tracy:	But I'm gonna miss the show!
	Kenneth:	Mr. Jordan, no sir you are not. [falls down a flight of stairs]
	Tracy:	Oh my god, what a terrible mistake-accident! Could you take 6^th avenue please?
	Kenneth:	If I die, will you take care of my birds?
	Tracy:	I got a lot on my plate right now, Ken.
	Kenneth:	Tweety...

The Return of Cowboy Hey-Hey


	Liz:	Okay, I know this has been a really tough couple of days, but everyone has pulled together and I am so proud and so pumped. Because I honestly think this might be the best show we have ever done.
	Tracy:	I'M BACK!
	Liz:	Oh thank God. We were so screwed.
	Jenna:	Tracy, you're alive!
	Liz:	Robocop out! Cowboy Hey-hey back in!
	Tracy:	Liz Lemon, I would like to recommend Kenneth the Page for NBC medal of excellence.
	Liz:	Okay, that doesn't exist, but you can write a letter for his file.
	Tracy:	I've got a lot on my plate!
	Liz:	Okay, fine. Lutz, don't just stand there, go...eat something!
	Tracy:	Wait, I don't know what this is.
	Liz:	Don't worry about it, just read the cards and act super gay.
	Tracy:	Okay. Take this, Black Crusaders. It's Cowboy Hey-hey!
	Guy:	This is 21. I'm on it.

All’s Well...


	Jenna:	Goodnight, that's our show! Have a great summer, everybody!
	Liz:	So I'm your emergency contact, huh?
	Jack:	You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug. So when are you going to Cleveland?
	Liz:	I'm not going. Are you getting married in two days?
	Jack:	Phoebe is a lovely girl. But, no. I'm not getting married.
	Liz:	So what'd you think of the show?
	Jack:	Honestly? I no longer think you're doing a terrible job and I'm very proud of you.
	Liz:	Thanks, Jack. I'm gonna pull the plug now!
	Jack:	Whoa, whoa.
	Liz:	Just let me do it!

Hiatus [ Season 1 | Episode: 21 ]