Jack-Tor    [ Season 1 | Episode: 5 ]

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A Style like Jazz

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   P.A.:
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Tracy Jordan to the stage, please. Tracy to the stage.
   Liz:
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Hey, Hey, Hey. Where are you going? They’re paging you for rehearsal.
   Tracy:
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Rehearsal? We just did a show last week. I just came to pick up a paycheck.
   Liz:
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No, we do a show every Friday, Tracy.
   Tracy:
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It’s not going to work. Next Friday is Damon Dash’s birthday party. And the Friday after that, is an orgy over at Elizabeth --
   Liz:
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Yeah, well, you're part of a team now, okay, so you have to be in the shows and you have to rehearse. And when you rehearse, Jenna would really like it -- I would like it, too -- if you would read exactly what's on the cue cards. It's making everybody crazy.
   Tracy:
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Can't do it. I'm an improviser. My acting style is like jazz. Jazz that you laugh at. (imitating jazz music) ha ha ha.
   Liz:
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Just try, okay? I have a meeting upstairs. I'll be right back.

A Hit in Israel

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   Jenna:
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Pete, Do you remember that song I recorded when I was dating that Persian record producer?
   Pete:
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Oh...no.
   Jenna:
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It’s a dance-pop-techno-hybrid called Muffin Top. I gave everyone copies at Christmas.
   Pete:
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Oh yeah right, I don’t remember that.
   Jenna:
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Well apparently it’s a number one hit, in Israel.
   Pete:
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Hey, Israel? Wow.
   Jenna:
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I noticed we had a couple minutes left, so I thought I could do it on the show.
   Pete:
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Ok, you can do the short version.
   Jenna:
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You should know that Muffin Top is also Number 4 in Belgum.
   Pete:
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I said you can do it.
   Jenna:
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Why not?! Oh. I mean, thank you.

The Amazing Snapple

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   Jack:
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Hello. For over 100 years, G.E. has been imagining the future today. And I'm here to talk to you today about a wonderful new synergy. It's called product integration. It's revolutionizing the way we monetize broadcast television. How does it work? Simple. All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "pos-mens," of G.E. products into your program. For example, you could write an episode where one of your characters purchases and is satisfied with... one of G.E.'s direct-current drilling motors for an offshore or land based project. Product integration -- setting a new standard in upward revenue-stream dynamics... for all of us.
   Jack:
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Now I'd be happy to answer any questions.
   Liz:
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I’m sorry, you’re saying you want to use the show to sell stuff?
   Jack:
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Look, I-I know how this sounds.
   Liz:
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No, come on Jack, we’re not doing that, we’re not compromising the integrity of our show to sell --
   Pete:
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Wow! This is diet Snapple?
   Liz:
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I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple. Doesn’t it?
   Frank:
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You should try Plum-A-Granate. It’s amazing.
   Cerie:
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I only date guys who drink Snapple.
   Jack:
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Look, we all love Snapple. Lord knows I do, but focus here. We're talking about product integration.
   Liz:
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We're not your shills.
   Jack:
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Oh, Oh I’m sorry. That’s right, they’re artists, like James Joyce, or Strindberg. Get real kids, you write skit mocking our president to fill time between car commercials.
   Liz:
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That’s not fair. Josh gets a lot of fan mail for "Gayberham Lincoln."
   Josh:
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Four score and seven beers ago.
   Liz:
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Did you guys know that Holland is the only country with a national dog?
   Pete:
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I didn't know that. Thank you, Snapple.
   Liz:
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There’s little facts on there.

Jenna's Fragile State

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   P.A.:
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That's a lunch break, everyone. Back in an hour, please.
   Jenna:
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Um, did you talk to Tracy about reading the cue cards?
   Liz:
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I tried.
   Jenna:
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Well, he's not reading them. He never reads them, Liz. I'm starting to think... he can't read.
   Liz:
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Oh, that -- That's just offensive, Jenna.
   Jenna:
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I don't know. Have you ever seen him read anything?
   Liz:
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Of course, like when we shoot promos.
   Tracy:
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(flashback) Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black, NBC -- very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
   Liz:
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Hmm. Hey, Tracy. I missed that last run through. Could you run it once off cards for me?
   Tracy:
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Nah, Lemon. I'll do that later. I got to bounce.
   Liz:
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Okay, that's a --
   Jenna:
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It says "emergency exit only." He couldn't read that?
   Frank:
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Man, Jenna’s really gotten squirrelly since Tracy came along.
   Toofer:
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It’s so sad.
   Frank:
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What’s really sad is that while she’s in this fragile state, none of her friends are messing with her head.
   Toofer:
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I think we should do something about that.
   Toofer:
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Okay, all right...
   Jenna:
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Hey, what are you guys talking about?
   Frank:
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Oh, uh... nothing.
   Jenna:
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What? Is it about me?
   Toofer:
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Okay, um, there's a rumor going around that Donaghy has to cut costs around here.
   Jenna:
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Oh.
   Frank:
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Yeah my friend in accounting, Lando Calrissian, he says Jack’s probably gonna have to fire an actor.
   Jenna:
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Oh, thank you guys for telling me.
   Toofer:
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It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.
   Frank:
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Yeah, if the fish have daddy issues.

Can He Read?

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   Pete:
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I can't believe you guys actually wrote a product integration sketch.
   Liz:
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Jack said we had to.
   Pete:
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It just seems weird. The show's not a commercial.
   Snapple Man:
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Excuse me, can you tell me where human resources is, please?
   Liz:
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That way.
   Snapple Man:
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Thanks.
   Liz:
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This is gonna sound crazy, but Tracy can read, right?
   Pete:
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Are you serious? The guy's done dozens of movies.
   Liz:
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Yeah but it’s not like his movies seem like he’s reading a script.
   Tracy:
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(Flashback) Let’s go rescue Karen... Or whatever. Is it Sheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are -- I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I’m getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that then?
   Pete:
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That's true. And he never reads the cue cards. God, I thought all that stuff was just crazy Tracy, seeing what he could get away with.
   Liz:
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I know, but, you know, it's not surprising. Look at the education system in this country. We spend all this money in Iraq, but meanwhile our inner-city graduation rates are lower then they are in the Sudan.
   Pete:
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That doesn’t sound right.
   Liz:
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Maybe it was Sweden. Maybe it was Teen Pregnancy. I got to read more.

Hippie Humor

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   Jack:
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What can I do for you?
   Liz:
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So, we wrote a product integration sketch.
   Jack:
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Good.
   Liz:
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But we wanted to run it by you first because it's about how G.E. is making us do this, and we were kind of hoping that the GE executive in the sketch, could be played by you.
   Jack:
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Oh I get it. The whole self-referential thing; Letterman hates the suits, Stern yells at his boss, Nixon’s sock it to me on Laugh In. Yeah, hippie humor.
   Liz:
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That’s what I’m going for.
   Jack:
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As you know, I’ve been studying comedy, and learning what’s funny. I’m watching Friends right now. What happens with Ross and Rachel? No no, don’t tell me. Seriously. What were you saying?
   Liz:
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So, will you do it?
   Jack:
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I don't know, Lemon. I'm not an actor. This is... your world.
   Liz:
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Oh, come on. You can do this.
   Pete:
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You were great in that video.
   Liz:
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Yeah.
   Jack:
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This is live television. I've never done anything like that before... Okay, I'll do it.
   Liz:
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Great, great. Thanks, Jack. So, rehearsal will be tomorrow at 2:00 Please don't be late. I will fax you any changes by 9:00 a.m.
   Jack:
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You’re such a Monica.
   Liz:
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You are.

My Sexuality!

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   Liz:
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He never reads anything.
   Jenna:
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Uh, why is Jack Donaghy on the cast list?
   Liz:
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He's gonna do this G.E. Sketch. It's really funny.
   Jenna:
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So he gets to be in sketches, but he's gonna fire one of the real actors.
   Liz:
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What?
   Jenna:
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I got inside information that Jack is gonna fire one of the actors to cut costs.
   Liz:
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No, I haven't heard anything like that. Don't worry about it.
   Jenna:
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Oh, I’m not worried because I have something the other actors don’t. A secret weapon.
   Liz:
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Don’t say your sexuality.
   Jenna:
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My sexuality!
   Liz:
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Oh, god, Jenna! When has that ever worked?
   Jenna:
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Uh, When has it not worked?
   Waiter:
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(Flashback) It’ll be a forty-five minute wait.
   Jenna:
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Oh Will it?
   Waiter:
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Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah it will.
   Jenna:
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Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
   Liz:
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Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Shameful Secret

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   Tracy:
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I don't know what to tell you. They're making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damm tickets!
   Liz:
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These are the changes for the sketches you're in.
   Tracy:
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Cool. I'll read those later, Lemon.
   Liz:
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Tray... can you read?
   Tracy:
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Can I read?
   Liz:
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Please don’t get angry. It’s not your fault. It’s the system. Did you ever see Hoop Dreams? It’s like that.
   Tracy:
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So you're asking me if I'm illiterate?!
   Liz:
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You don't even have to answer me if you don't want to. Just know that if you need a tutor, we will get you a tutor. If you need to be in fewer sketches until you get more confident, we'll accommodate you -- whatever you need.
   Tracy:
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So I could, like, leave work early if I need a tutor?
   Liz:
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Absolutely. We'll work around your schedule.
   Tracy:
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I can't read, Liz Lemon! My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies' bathroom.
   Tracy:
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I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!
   Tracy:
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I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I’ll be late tomorrow. Damn! George Will just gets more and more conservative.

Jack's Blooper Reel

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   Jonathan:
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Liz, did you tell Jack he could be on the show?
   Liz:
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Yeah, he was kind of excited about it actually.
   Jonathan:
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Oh yeah, he’s very excited, but you cannot put him on live tv.
   Liz:
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Why?
   Jonathan:
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Ok. I’m only showing you this because I care about him so much.
   Man:
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G.E. Promo, take one. Action!
   Jack:
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Did you say "action"?
   Man:
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Yes, action.
   Jack:
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Could you say it louder, please?
   Man:
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I'm sorry. Action!
   Man:
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G.E. promo, take two.
   Jack:
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Hello. For over 100 years... Line? sorry. My bad.
   Jack:
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What's the first line?
   Lady:
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Product integration.
   Jack:
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Okay.
   Jack:
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Right, got it. I just need the first word.
   Lady:
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product
   Jack:
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What's the second word?
   Lady:
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integration.
   Jack:
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Okay, I knew that.
   Jack:
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Okay, If I ask for the line again, don't tell me.
   Jack:
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Line? Line?
   Lady:
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Product integration.
   Jack:
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I told you, don't give the line when I ask for the line.
   Jack:
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I-I got it, I got it.
   Jack:
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Can we get a do-over there?
   Jack:
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Let's go again. Can we?
   Jack:
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What?
   Jack:
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(Bleep) What is it?
   Jack:
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I don't like this at all. Okay, I got it. Let's go again.
   Jack:
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The pen doesn't really write. Does that matter?
   Jack:
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And I'm here today -- Ha ha ha ha! My bad. I'm sorry.
   Jack:
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Why don't we go to lunch, and we'll come back and maybe -- Let's all go have lunch.
   Man:
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G.E. promo 126.
   Jack:
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It's wierd. What do I do with my arms? I've never thought about that before.
   Jack:
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Is it this... or, if I may... this?
   Jack:
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Maybe I should just hold something.
   Jack:
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Okay, yeah. This feels more natural. Is that right? Yeah?
   Jack:
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New synergy -- Does that sound odd to anyone else? Does that sound like "news energy?"
   Jack:
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And is satisfied -- (Thud) Oh, ouch, ouch. Are you all right?
   Jack:
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Could I get a little, uh...
   Jack:
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I'm here to talk to you television about the monetizing of today broadcast. Was any of that usable?
   Man:
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G.E. promo 129.
   Jack:
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It's called racial integration. No that's not right, is it?
   Jack:
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It's called product intergor-- "intergortion"?
   Jack:
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...the way we monetize broadcast television. How does it work? Oh. (Bleep)
   Jack:
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(Cell phone rings) Could we turn off the phones please? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's me. Let me turn this thing off. I think I just took a picture.
   Jack:
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I'm sorry, everybody, there's a (Bleep) pigeon. Shoo! (Bleep)
   Jack:
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...purchases, and is satisfied with -- oh.
   Jack:
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...in upward revenue-stream dynamics... for all of us.
   Man:
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Cut. That's a wrap.
   Jack:
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Ha. That was fun, you guys. It didn't feel like five days, did it?
   Man:
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Uh, no... No.
   Jack:
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Everybody have a good weekend.
   Liz:
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And we’ll be right back.

Correlation

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   P.A.:
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Jenna to the stage, please. Jenna to the stage for "Muffin Top."
   Jack:
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Hey, Liz? Liz, um, I'm a little bit nervous about this rehearsal.
   Liz:
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Oh, I'm -- I'm glad you brought that up. You don't have to do this. I know how busy you are.
   Jack:
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Oh, no, no, I have to do it. It’s a new challenge, and I like challenges. I’ve summated Kilimanjaro. I’ve showered with Greta Van Sustren. I... I’m gonna do this, yeah.
   Jonathan:
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The time, sir.
   Jack:
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Oh, that's right.
   Jack:
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Do you mind? We'll do it around the corner, okay? I'll be with you in a minute. I have a conference with my corporate division head.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, you guys gonna correlate overseas earnings-report dynamics?
   Jack:
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Yes.
   Jenna:
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Liz. Did I just hear Jack?
   Liz:
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Oh no, please. I know for a fact he is talking to his boss right now.
   Jenna:
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Really?
   Liz:
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Don't bother him.
   Jenna:
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Fine.
   Liz:
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Don't
   Jack:
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Of course, sir. I'll look into it right away.
   Ron:
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Actions speak louder than words. Take care of it.
   Jack:
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Don't worry, I'll have it on your desk first thing in the morning.
   Ron:
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Look, I am tired of your promises. I want this thing fixed.
   Jack:
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I'm -- I'm on it, sir.
   Jenna:
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So you're Jack's boss, huh?
   Ron:
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Oh, well, yeah, that -- that's what they tell me.
   Jenna:
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I'm Jenna, by the way.
   Ron:
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Oh, I, uh, I-I know who you are.
   Ron:
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I'm Ron.
   Jenna:
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Oh, Ron. How do you take your coffee, Ron?
   Ron:
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I take it, uh... I-I take it, uh... with t-the nondairy creamer.
   Jenna:
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Mmm. Yeah... non-dairy creamer. yum! Mmm. (Coughs) Mmm. Oh, yeah.
   Ron:
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Well, uh

Jack's Rehearsal

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   Man:
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Quiet, please! Rehearsing from Mr. Donaghy's entrance.
   Jack:
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What’s up Mr. Donaghy?
   Liz:
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Uh, Oh that’s Josh’s line. Your lines are in blue.
   Jack:
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My bad. I'm sorry. Those cards are a little confusing.
   Jack:
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Hello... everyone. Thanks for waiting, please. Sit... down.
   Liz:
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Okay, that's great. Just one thing, sir. You’re looking into the camera a little bit.
   Jack:
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No, I’m not. I-I want to. But I’m not. no.
   Jack:
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Could I get two coffee cups?
   Liz:
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Yeah, you know, let's take five minutes, actually, everybody, while we get Mr. Donaghy some coffee cups.
   Liz:
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I know you want to do this, but I don’t think it’s working out.
   Jack:
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I agree it’s the writing. It’s not natural.
   Liz:
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Really? You think the problem is the writing?
   Jack:
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Yeah it’s clunky.
   Liz:
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Wow. Well, I was really trying to help you out of this. But you know what? You're the boss.
   Jack:
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I think I can do it.
   Liz:
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No, you should definitely do it. It'll be hilarious.
   Jack:
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Well, that would be a refreshing change of pace for the show, wouldn’t it? Excuse me.

Testing Tracy

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   Pete:
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Why would Tracy pretend to be illiterate?
   Liz:
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To get out of coming to work.
   Pete:
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So first you thought he was illiterate? and now you think he’s lazy? Jeez, you are racist.
   Liz:
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No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt. Which is to be used only for good. Like over tipping, and supporting Barack Obama.
   Tracy:
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Sha mon!
   Pete:
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Hey, Tray, Kenneth told me you finally got into work.
   Tracy:
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Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about sometimes "Y" being a vowel? What a world.
   Liz:
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Well, we just wanted to show you the new posters for the show.
   Tracy:
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Yeah, all right. Cool.
   Liz:
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So it's okay to hang these all over the city?
   Tracy:
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Yeah, it's good. I like it.
   Liz:
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Really?
   Tracy:
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Really. I'll be leaving early today.
   P.A.:
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Jenna and Ghostface Killah to the stage, please, for "muffin top"

3 In The Morning

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   Liz:
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Hello? Jack? It's 3:00 in the morning. What's wrong?
   Liz:
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That’s quite a commitment to such terrible writing.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I don’t know how to do this.
   Liz:
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I know.
   Jack:
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I don’t get it. It’s not the fear. I thrive on fear.
   Liz:
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Yeah, you’re lookin’ out a fake window right now, by the way.
   Jack:
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I bow hunt polar bear. I once drove a rental car into the Hudson just to practice escaping. And it’s not the public speaking, there’s just something about performing that I can’t wrap my brain around. All this creative crap. Acting. I’ve never been able to do it. Never.
   Jack:
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(Flash back Kid Jack) Grains and cereals are an important -- line? Damn it! Son of a bitch.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I need your help.
   Liz:
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Really? Jack Donaghy needs my --
   Jack:
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Don’t gloat, it makes you seem mannish.
   Liz:
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Okay, look, this is not your fault. This whole thing was a bad idea. We should just have Josh do it. We'll just tell everyone you're on a business trip.
   Jack:
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That's not an option. I have to do it. Once I set my mind to something, I have to accomplish it. 10 years ago, I was an inch and a half shorter than I am today. Sheer will power. If I don't figure this thing out by friday, then failure wins, and that's not acceptable. Oh god the room is spinning.
   Liz:
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What do you want from me?
   Jack:
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I’m one of your actors. I'm freaking out! Talk me down!
   Liz:
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Ok. Here’s your pep talk. You’re not an actor, you’re Jack Donaghy, all right, So quit whining and nut up! You’re right. If you can’t do this you are a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this. And she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dum-dum can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
   Jack:
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If you were any other woman on Earth, I would be turned on right now.
   Liz:
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Go home. Get some sleep.
   Jack:
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This stays between us, right, Lemon? Lemon? Lemon? Lemon?

Jenna Learns The Truth

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   Jenna:
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Well, I don't think I have to worry about my job anymore, and I didn't bother Jack at all.
   Liz:
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Oh, good for you.
   Jenna:
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That's right. I took your advice. I hooked up with his boss.
   Liz:
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Who? Ron?
   Jenna:
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Mm-hmm.
   Liz:
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That guy's an extra on the show.
   Jenna:
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No, he said he was Jack’s boss.
   Liz:
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In the sketch. He doesn’t even have a line.
   Jenna:
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He doesn’t have lines?
   Man:
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Don't eat in costume.
   Ron:
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Give me a break, I'm just...
   Jenna:
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But he was yelling at Jack.
   Ron:
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(Flashback) Actions speak louder than words. Take care of it.
   Jack:
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Don't worry, sir, I'll have it on your desk first thing in the morning.
   Ron:
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I am tired of your promises. I just want this thing fixed now!
   Jack:
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I'm on it, sir.
   Ron:
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What is the point of belonging to the extras guild if I cannot get health coverage for my foot, hmm?
   Jenna:
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Ew.
   Liz:
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Oh, God, Jenna. I told you, don't listen to rumors.
   Jenna:
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But Frank and Toofer said to me --
   Liz:
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Frank and Toofer? That's where you're getting your information? They're messing with you.
   Jenna:
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No, they wouldn't do that to me.
   Liz:
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Yeah, they would.
   Jenna:
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Oh. I am going to get back at them... using my Sexuality.
   Liz:
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Do you have any left?

A High Standard

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   P.A.:
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Jenna, Ghostface Killah, and Yo-yo Ma to the stage please, for "Muffin Top."
   Tracy:
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Where the hot lesbians at Lemon?
   Liz:
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I knew it, you can read.
   Tracy:
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Fine. Yes. I’m literate. I even have a column in Ebony magazine called “Musings.”
   Liz:
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You're unbelievable.
   Tracy:
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I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
   Liz:
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No Bill Cosby said that.
   Tracy:
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That’s racist.
   Pete:
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Look, we can all agree Liz is generally pretty racist. The point is, you have people counting on you. You can't be finding excuses not to be here.
   Tracy:
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But this job is hard. I just want to be able to do what I want to do. You know I once shot a whole movie without ever getting out of my car.
   Pete:
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Yeah I paid to see that, that was a supposed to be a western.
   Liz:
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You're not a big-shot movie star anymore, Tray. You're the star of "TGS" and you will read the lines as written, starting tonight, because this show is important. I set a very high standard for myself and I expect the same of the professionals who work with me.
   Josh:
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When Gayberham Lincoln gets hit in the crotch, can I go cross-eyed?
   Liz:
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Oh yes do that, that’s hilarious.

Standards Problem

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   Jenna:
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Hey, have you seen Frank or Toofer? Pete, the standards lady is saying my moaning in Muffin Top is too graphic. Which of these is less offensive? Aah! Aah! Aah! Or... Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!
   Ron:
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Both sound good to me.
   Jenna:
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Hello Ron.
   Jenna:
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I just would hate for "Muffin Top" to get cut because of a standards problem. I've already posted on my Weblog that I'll be doing it.
   Pete:
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Jenna, we're not gonna cut it.
   Jenna:
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Are you messing with me? Because people keep messing with me.
   Pete:
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I'm not messing with you.
   Jenna:
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So which one? "Aah!" or "Ohh!"?
   Pete:
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Uh... I guess, uh... "Aah! Aah! Aah!"

Show Time

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   Liz:
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Oh, hey, look, it's no big deal, but we had to make some changes in your sketch. I have new pages for you.
   Jack:
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You do?
   Liz:
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Yeah, Tracy is in it now, so we had to change some of the cues. Also the opening V.T. is cut, so you just go right out, okay? Oh and um you all say the last line together.
   Jack:
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Wow, so, uh...
   Liz:
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So you're gonna be great. Have fun.
   Jack:
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Lemon, these pages are blank. Oh. Nevermind. Withdrawn.
   Liz:
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And, remember, don't look into the camera.

Jennas Revenge

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   P.A.:
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Cast should be setting themselves for the cold open. Cold open, everyone.
   Jenna:
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Toofer? Can I tell you a secret? We’ve been working together awhile. And I know this may sound crazy, but I’ve been watching you. I have this fantasy of sneaking up to the roof of 30 Rock, and we make love while looking out at the city.
   Toofer:
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Ok, let me guess. You figured out Frank and I lied to you. So to get even you’re trying to get me naked on the roof and leave me there? Nice try.
   Jenna:
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Where’s Frank?

Watching The Show

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   Tracy:
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Well, we're cool, right, Mr. Donaghy?
   Jack:
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No, you're all fired. (Tape rewinds) No, you're all fired.
   Liz:
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Hey good job the other night.
   Jack:
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Oh, you mean on the show? Thanks.
   Liz:
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What were you watching?
   Jack:
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Nothing. Uh... Bloomberg.
   Liz:
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Ah ha!
   Jack:
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Don’t be cute Lemon, you’re too told for that.
   Jack:
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Good god! Lemon!
   Frank:
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Mr. Donaghy, open up. Please.
   Jack:
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Lemon!

Muffin Top

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   Jenna:
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Everyone knows... the most delicious part of the muffin... is the top. My muffin top is all that, whole grain, low fat. I know you know you want a piece of that. But I just want to dance. You're checking out my sweet hips, my sugar coated berry lips, I know you want to get with this, but I’m just here to dance. So Back up off of me. You’re weirding my out. I’m an independent lady. So do not try to play me. I run a tidy bakery. The boys all want my cake for free.
   Pete:
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Does she know that we went off the air 2 minutes ago?
   Liz:
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No she does not.
   Pete:
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Smart move.
   Ghostface Killah:
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You served up drama when I ordered your love. But I don't need this. Where the hell's my limo? Peace in the middle east! We out!