The Fighting Irish    [ Season 1 | Episode: 17 ]

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( 258 Quotes Found )

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Dance Class

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   Jenna:
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What class do you want to take?
   Liz:
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Oh, anything that doesn't have the words ''strip,'' ''salsa,'' or ''beatz'' with a ''Z'' in the name of it.
   Jenna:
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Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.
   Floyd:
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Hey, what's up?
   Liz:
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Hey. Nothing. Just going into the same class you're going into.
   Floyd:
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Cool.
   Liz:
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[ Whispering ] That's the Flower Guy.
   Floyd:
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Hey, l hope l don't sweat on you.
   Liz:
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You can sweat on me.
   Floyd:
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This is my girlfriend, Liz Lemler.
   Liz:
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Hi!
   Floyd:
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That's Liz Lemon.
   Liz Lemler:
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Oh, the girl who got my flowers. Hope you enjoyed them. l did.
   Liz:
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Actually l finally just threw them out this morning 'cause they got that reaIIy bad flower smell. l kind of couldn't stop smelling them.
   Woman:
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Advanced Hip-Hop, you ready? Here we go. Here we go. Take it 5, 6, 7, 8. And 1 . . . hunh ! Yeah ! Whoo! Turn it! Don't give up, Ponytail. You got this. Slide!

Layoffs Notice

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   Jack:
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Lemon, come here. You've got to see this. lt's a video of a baby panda sneezing. You sit here. And don't watch the mother, just watch the baby.
   Liz:
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That is the cutest thing l've ever seen !
   Jack:
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lsn't that adorable? You have to fire 10% of your staff.
   Liz:
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What?!
   Jack:
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We have to synergize backward overflow. l don't write the policy, Lemon. l only enforce it.
   Liz:
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But l've never fired anybody in my life.
   Jack:
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lt's an acquired skill. l'm not trying to make your life miserable, but this is coming from the top. Now, there are 1 40 people on this show. So go out there and make 126 people very happy.
   Liz:
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No, l don't think l can do that. Everyone that works at this show is indispensable.
   Josh:
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Marco? Polo! Marco? Polo!
   Frank:
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Josh, you suck at this game, man.

Tracy looks for Religion

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   P.A.:
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Josh and Jenna to the stage, pIease.
   Liz:
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1 0% ? l can't fire any of these people.
   Pete:
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Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.
   Liz:
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Everything okay at home, buddy?
   Pete:
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Remember that little secret l told you about Hornberger family planning?
   Liz:
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You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy. Don't tell me that backfired?
   Pete:
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She's late now. And she's starting to ask questions.
   Liz:
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Oh, boy. Do you need a key to my apartment?
   Pete:
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Just for my own safety.
   Tracy:
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Hey, Liz Lemon, you know where l could find a good church?
   Liz:
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How good? Like Judaism good or just, like, Unitarian?
   Tracy:
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My attorney told me l should join a church pre-emptively. . . 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.
   Liz:
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Why don't you try the Church of Practicology? They love movie stars and stuff.
   Tracy:
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They already turned me down. l'm still not sure what happened.
   Tracy:
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l believe the moon doesn't exist. l believe that vampires are the world's greatest golfers, but their curse is that they'll never get to prove it. l believe there are 31 letters in the white alphabet. What -- What was the question again?
   Tracy:
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So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
   Liz:
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Hmm. . . l pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to. Mmm.
   Liz:
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Can l help you?
   Eddie Donahy :
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Yeah, sweetheart. l'm looking for Jack ''Donahy.''
   Liz:
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And you are?
   Eddie Donahy :
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Eddie Donahy, Jack's brother.
   Liz:
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Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is ''Dona-gee,'' not ''Dona-hee.''
   Eddie Donahy :
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You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.
   Liz:
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Tracy, this is Jack's brother Eddie.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Hi.

Eddie Donahy

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   Liz:
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Look who l found.
   Jack:
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Eddie Donaghy. . . as l live and breathe. l'm gonna destroy you !
   Eddie Donahy :
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You're not the boss of me, Jack Donahy!
   Jack:
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lt's Donaghy, not Donahy!
   Jack:
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You ruined my suit!
   Liz:
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Oh, my God ! Stop! Someone's gonna get hurt!
   Eddie Donahy :
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Look, this is about Dad.
   Jack:
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What'd you two dirtbags do now? Fix the Cotton Bowl?!
   Eddie Donahy :
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Dad's dead. lt's over, okay? This watch was Dad's. He wanted you to have it.
   Liz:
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Are you okay?
   Jack:
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Yeah, l'm okay. l haven't seen my dad in 1 7 years. l haven't seen Eddie since l bailed him out of Disney jail. And now this watch.
   Liz:
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l'm sorry.
   Jack:
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Don't be. My dad and Eddie are a blotch on the Donahy name -- Donaghy name. That's how it's pronounced. Say it!
   Liz:
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Donaghy.

Ken's Church

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   Tracy:
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l really appreciate you bringing me to your church, Ken.
   Kenneth:
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Hola, Julio. l'm glad to help you on your spiritual quest, Mr. Jordan.
   Tracy:
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What kind of Presbyterian is this?
   Kenneth:
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No, we're the Eighth Day Resurrected Covenant of the Holy Trinity. We haven't been Presbyterian for months.
   Tracy:
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And y'all always meet on Wednesday nights?
   Kenneth:
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Yeah, we lose half the congregation every time ''American ldol'' starts up. Reverend Gary's starting.
   Reverend Gary :
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God sees the wicked one. Eternal damnation is upon the sinner. The stench of rotten flesh fills the air. Judgment is upon us all ! How will you be seen in His eyes?
   Tracy:
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What? He pointed right at me!
   Kenneth:
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He sure did !
   Tracy:
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No!
   Reverend Gary :
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The fires of the pit crackle and pop!

Sucking Up

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   Jenna:
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Hi, l got you coffee.
   Liz:
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Thanks.
   Jenna:
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Oh, l forgot your muffin -- banana walnut, your favorite.
   Liz:
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Uh, that's not correct, but okay.
   Frank:
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Good morning, Liz!
   Liz:
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What's all this?
   Frank:
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Sketches, promos, web content -- thoughts for next season.
   Liz:
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Uh-huh. Nice hat. You haven't heard anything about layoffs, have you?
   Frank:
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What? No. And even if l had, l'm just being normal. Gosh.
   Cerie:
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Hey, Liz. You want to hang out tonight? 'Cause you're totally my role model. You make smart sexy.
   Henry:
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There's my beautiful boss. Good morning.
   Liz:
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Good morning, Henry.

The YMCA

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   Eddie Donahy :
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Ah, there you go.
   Jack:
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The YMCA, huh?
   Eddie Donahy :
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Congratulations. You found me out.
   Jack:
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So, your life's a mess, you go out and buy a new suit, pretend everything's okay? What happened, Eddie?
   Eddie Donahy :
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What do you care? l'm happy here. Gordon, so help me -- Look, l went broke taking care of Dad -- end of story.
   Jack:
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Then let me give you some money.
   Eddie Donahy :
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No. Seeing Dad at the end, it. . . lt changed me, Jack. l got a real job now. l talk homeless people into joining the Army.
   Jack:
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lsn't there anything that you want?
   Eddie Donahy :
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One thing. l'd like my brother back. Look, l know l've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life -- juvie, Jonestown, that time l punched Goofy. Hell, l even blinded you with a bottle rocket.
   Jack:
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Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
   Eddie Donahy :
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l stole your identity. l convinced you you had Lupus.
   Jack:
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l threw you out of a window. l microwaved your parrakeet.
   Eddie Donahy :
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l hated that bird !
   Jack:
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We had some great times, didn't we?
   Eddie Donahy :
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Yeah.

Liz's Idea

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   Liz:
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Hmm, you're on my good list, Kerry. [ Gasps ] Ugh ! Hello.
   Floyd:
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Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate. . . in the workplace.
   Liz:
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No, it's -- it's only inappropriate when it's ugly people. So, um, how long have you guys been together?
   Floyd:
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Oh, well, that's tricky. Uh, kind of off and on the past year. But then she got this job here, and it's kind of tough to stay broken up with someone you have to see every day.
   Liz:
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Where does she work, your Liz?
   Floyd:
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ln accounting. . . on your show. She works for you.
   Liz:
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l know who l can fire!
   Pete:
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Hey, Liz. Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom 10% .
   Liz:
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Oh, you can just tell she is by her stupid face.
   Pete:
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You're a better person than this.
   Liz:
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Jack has given me absolute power. l am the decider!
   Pete:
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Okay, you can't just do this.
   Liz:
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l'm not gonna ''just do'' anything. l have a plan. Step one -- befriend the enemy and gather information. Then use the information to drive her into the bottom 10% .
   Pete:
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Good Lord, your eyes -- You look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.
   Liz:
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Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours -- blammo!
   Pete:
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l know l'm the guy who lied to his wife about having a vasectomy, but thIs -- this is wrong.
   Liz:
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No, it's not wrong. l'm just staying the course. And l'm enjoying it! Jack is out of my hair, people are being nice to me, there's a guy l like in the building, and l have the authority to fire his girlfriend?! For the first time ever, things are lining up for old Liz Lemon.

Forgiving Irish

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   Eddie Donahy :
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Stop it, Jack!
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Donaghy, your assistant's been looking for you.
   Jack:
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Thank you very much, Kenneth. Uh, Eddie and l have just been making up for some lost time.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Hey, Jack, uh. . . you mind if l take a few grapes for dinner later?
   Jack:
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Why don't you just take the money?
   Eddie Donahy :
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No. lf you want to give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff towards the end.
   Jack:
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All right, l'll have my assistant write a check. Help yourself to some grapes.
   Guy:
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So Dad missed seeing Meredith Viera. Now l'm pissed ! Not one of you kids is ever gonna amount to anything ! That's why your mom left. Yeah.
   Jack:
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Maybe we should get all the Donaghy kids back together again.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Oh, Jack, they don't want to see me.
   Jack:
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Oh, come on. We're lrish. We're a forgiving people.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Aw!

Jenna's Religion

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   Jenna:
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l'm so glad you asked. Kabbalah is a wonderful religion that mixes the fun part of Judaism with magic.
   Tracy:
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So, where do you worship?
   Jenna:
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Where don't you worship? My friend Madonna --
   Tracy:
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Hey, Jack's brother, what religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Oh, well, uh, l'm lrish-Catholic. Now, l know there's been a lot of controversy around the Church lately, you know, because of ''The Da Vinci Code.'' But what's great is you can do anything -- anythIng. And as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.
   Tracy:
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l'm lrish-Catholic.

Heart of Gold

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   Liz:
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Well, well, Other Liz. . . played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers? Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?
   Eddie Donahy :
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Excuse me, Liz? Jack said it would be okay if l put this here. lt's for the hospital that took care of my dad.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah. l'm so glad to see you and Jack getting along. Absolutely. We'll give money, right?
   Frank:
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You want us to give money? l'd be happy to. Heart of gold, L. L.
   Josh:
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ls there a limit to how much we can give? l hope not. Yeah !
   Eddie Donahy :
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Wow. l bet Pop's looking down right now and saying, ''lf l could come back and do any broad, it would be that one right there.''
   Liz:
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Ew.

An Irish Family

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   Katherine Catherine :
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And so Pop says, ''Well, what does it look like l'm doing right now?'' So they ended up landing in Dallas for six hours, and it was on the news!
   Patricia Donaghy :
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lt was not on the news. You're such a liar.
   Jack:
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Excuse me. Excuse me, everybody. This is Kenneth. Kenneth, this is my family. That's Patrick. This is Patricia. This is Katherine Catherine and her husband, Bobby. And this is Margaret. We just found out about her today.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, welcome.
   Jack:
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Kenneth's going to take you all downstairs to the studio.
   Katherine Catherine :
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l would like to make a toast to Pop.
   Jack:
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Well, we've been toasting Pop for over an hour now. Maybe we should pace ourselves.
   Katherine Catherine :
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Why don't you stop trying to control everything, Jack?
   Patricia Donaghy :
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He was a wonderful father. He was always ready with a joke or rum balls in his pockets for the kids. Eddie?
   Katherine Catherine :
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Come here, you magnificent douche bag ! Eddie! How the hell are you?!
   Patrick Donaghy :
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Have a drink.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Actually, l've been clean and sober for seven months.
   Katherine Catherine :
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Stop showing off and have a drink!
   Eddie Donahy :
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Sure.

The Decider

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   Liz:
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Hey, Liz.
   Liz Lemler:
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Oh, hey. . . Liz.
   Liz:
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Right. So, l'm doing these quick performance reviews. l'm gonna be doing them with everybody every six months or so. So, are you settling in okay?
   Liz Lemler:
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Yeah, everyone's been great, learning where stuff is.
   Liz:
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What would you say are your weaknesses?
   Liz Lemler:
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Some people say l'm too nice.
   Liz:
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
   Liz Lemler:
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Well, hopefully, l'll still be working for GE. lt's a great company for working moms.
   Liz:
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What?
   Liz Lemler:
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You know, in five years. l mean, l'm in a relationship right now. By then, l'll probably have a couple kids, be living in the suburbs, just having it all, really.
   Liz:
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You're fired ! l'm the decider!

An Irish Toast

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   Eddie Donahy :
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God, l missed you guys. lt's too bad it took Dad dying to get us all together again.
   Patricia Donaghy :
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He was always bringing people together. He was just like Lady Di.
   Jack:
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This is Margaret.
   Eddie Donahy :
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Oh, boy, she's really got Mom's smile, doesn't she?
   Jack:
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Yeah.
   Katherine Catherine :
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To Pop, the sorriest bastard that ever walked the Earth.
   Patricia Donaghy :
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Don't say that about my daddy!
   Katherine Catherine :
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Oh, Patricia, you're embarrassing yourself.
   Patricia Donaghy :
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Yeah, well, you don't say that about my father! Get your hand out of my face!
   Jack:
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What do you say --
   Patricia Donaghy :
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You had good posture -- who cares?
   Jack:
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What do you say we all head downstairs right now before this takes the traditional Donaghy turn for the worse?
   Katherine Catherine :
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Seriously, don't even start with me!
   Patricia Donaghy :
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Don't start with me!

Decider Unleashed

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   Pete:
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Did you fire her?
   Liz:
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Uh-huh.
   Pete:
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You can't do that, Liz! l'm gonna tell human resources!
   Liz:
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No, no, you're not. You're fired !
   Frank:
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Did you just fire Pete?
   Liz:
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Yes! l'm gonna put his name on a list and everything !
   Liz:
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Can l help you?
   Guy:
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Miss Lemon, the accounting department wishes to protest the firing of our colleague. Now, we have discussed it --
   Liz:
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You're fired ! You're all fired ! Clean out your desks! Fired !

About A Boy?

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   Jack:
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Lemon, the purpose of these cuts is to make us more efficient so we make more money. And the people who tell me if l'm making more money are called accountants.
   Liz:
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No, Jack, you would be proud of me. lt's all part of a plan. lt just got out of control.
   Jack:
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A plan to do what?
   Liz:
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Things were really lining up for old Liz Lemon. And this Other Liz, this accountant girl, was just getting in the way of my. . . happiness.
   Jack:
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Your happiness? Lemon, is this about a boy?
   Liz:
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Mm-hmm.
   Jack:
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Good God in Heaven ! Who is he? What's his name?
   Liz:
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Flower Guy.
   Jack:
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Lemon, you've gone chicken killer on me over a guy whose name you don't know? And you still think our next president should be a woman?
   Liz:
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He just seems like a really cool guy. And l think he likes me more than her. Ugh.
   Jack:
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That's. . . very sad.
   Liz:
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lt really is, isn't it? l'm gonna go talk to some food about this.

C-A-S-H

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   Cerie:
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Oh, Liz, did you put your check in already?
   Liz:
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Oh, no. What do l make it out to? Chicago All Saints Hospital?
   Cerie:
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Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.
   Liz:
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C-A-S-H. Son of a bitch.
   Cerie:
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Eddie already took the other box.

The Fighting Irish

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   Pop Dona-Fee:
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Son?
   Jack:
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Dad?!
   Pop Dona-Fee:
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Your brother Eddie's dead. He wanted you to have his watch.
   Jack:
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Eddie.
   Eddie Donahy :
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You !
   Pop Dona-Fee:
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Me?! You ! What are you doing here?!
   Eddie Donahy :
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What do you think? l'm pulling the Dead Man's Curve on Jack.
   Pop Dona-Fee:
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When we parted ways, we agreed that l would get Jack and you would do the thing in Sacramento!
   Jack:
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You are both a disgrace to the Donaghy name!
   Pop Dona-Fee:
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lt's pronounced ''Dona-fee,'' you lace-curtain half-an-Englishman !
   Jack:
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When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
   Pop Dona-Fee:
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You'll have to get through Tip O'Neill and Bobby Sands first!
   Eddie Donahy :
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You call those fist names?! Say hello to Bono and Sandra Day O'Connor!
   Jack:
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Those are the stupidest fist names l've ever heard.
   Patricia Donaghy :
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Daddy's not dead ! Eddie, you lying sack of crap!
   Patrick Donaghy :
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Jack Donaghy, you don't raise your fists to my dead father!
   Katherine Catherine :
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Bobby, give me my keys. Let's go!
   Jack:
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
   Liz:
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What are you doing? You can't fight in front of my audience!
   Katherine Catherine :
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What, do you think you're better than me?
   Jack:
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Lemon, are you okay?
   Liz:
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l want you to punch your sister in the face.
   Katherine Catherine :
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lt's on !
   Eddie Donahy :
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l call same sides as the Bicentennial Brawl.

Lining Up Once Again

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   Jack:
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l was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
   Liz:
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l played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.
   Jack:
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lt sure didn't. The whole thing was strangely reassuring, though. To know that they'll be there after l'm dead, fighting over my corpse before it's cryogenically frozen.
   Liz:
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Where's Eddie now?
   Jack:
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l gave him and my dad a three-day head start out of love and sportsmanship.
   Liz:
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Oh, okay. As always, it's been a pleasure fighting with you.
   Jack:
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lndeed. Oh, l had to rehire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
   Liz:
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Okay.
   Jack:
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And l didn't want any more trouble with her, so l had to give her a promotion, too.
   Liz:
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Fantastic.
   Jack:
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lt's an amazing opportunity for her out at corporate headquarters.
   Liz:
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ln Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
   Jack:
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Yes, that's right. lt seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon. And you say?
   Liz:
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Thank you, Jack.
   Jack:
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You're welcome.

Elevators

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   Liz:
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l hear your girlfriend got transferred. Sorry.
   Floyd:
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Yeah, l guess it wasn't meant to be.
   Pete:
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Liz! You forgot to give me the key to your place. And l need it. My wife knows about our little secret. [ Sighs ] l don't know how she found out. Oh, God. l should have just gotten a vasectomy!
   Liz:
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Let me explain.

lrish-Catholic Guilt

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   Tracy:
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Hey, did you hear the good news, J. D.? l'm lrish-Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
   Jack:
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Oh, no, you're not. The Church already has enough lawsuits.
   Tracy:
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See, l can screw up now and then just go to confession. No longer do l have to throw my parties in international waters.
   Jack:
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That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass. . . because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
   Tracy:
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l don't think l want that. l'm out.
   Jack:
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Somehow, l feel oddly guilty about that.