The Head and The Hair    [ Season 1 | Episode: 11 ]

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Head And Hair

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   Jenna:
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That was hilarious.
   Man:
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We're back in 2 minutes.
   Jenna:
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So are you going to ask out the head?
   Pete:
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The head?
   Liz:
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There are these 2 MSNBC guys we keep seeing around, and we don't know their names, so we call them the head and the hair.
   Pete:
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How come?
   Jenna:
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So what are you, like 6'2'?
   Gray:
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6'5'
   Jenna:
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Wow.
   The Head:
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I see you're looking at my watch.
   Liz:
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What?
   The Head:
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It's cool isn't it. That's a Japanese Pie Watch. It tells time with those little pie pieces. Each piece is 6 minutes. So now it's 6 times 4… 5:30? That can't be right.
   Liz:
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My watch has these little hands that go around and point at numbers.
   The Head:
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Hey That's awesome possum.
   Man:
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1 minute!
   Jenna:
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The point is, The hair is ridiculously good looking.
   Liz:
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It's true. He makes me nervous just to be around.
   Jenna:
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And the head is perfectly harmless and totally into Ms. Liz Lemon.
   Liz:
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Ha Ha! Not as much as he's into his pie watch.
   Pete:
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I think the head sounds perfect for you right now. I mean low pressure, high nerd factor. come on.
   Jenna:
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If your serious about getting for personal life on track, you need to work at it.
   Liz:
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OK. fine i'll ask him out.
   Pete:
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I win.
   Liz:
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No the French-maid Werewolf thing was cut! You're supposed to be Hillary Clinton right now.
   Jenna:
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What? Pete!
   Pete:
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Gary!
   Liz:
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Lutz!

Bottoms Up

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   Jack:
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What do you think sounds like a better idea for a new show? A talk show without a host, just the voice of the dead lady from Desperate Housewives, or a reality show where a lot of super hot nannies who move into a house and help fat kids lose weight? Never mind. This television programming stuff is just one unpredictable ass ache, and I want you to get it out of here. Kenneth please come in.
   Kenneth:
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Is this about the clementine I took off the actors snack table? Because the catering lady already talked to me.
   Jack:
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No, no, no, I wanted to talk to you about our corporate bottoms-up day. Once a year, all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. Last year i was a welder at one of our locomotive factories, and i made this. And This year, I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss.
   Kenneth:
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Thank you sir!
   Jack:
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That's how the Bottoms Up program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth. I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Tracy Working Early

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   Tracy:
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Dude, this part was messed up. They had girls dancing in cages. And not the Go-go cages, the little dog cages that you crate pit bulls in.
   Frank:
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That is awesome.
   Toofer:
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That is upsetting.
   Josh:
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That is awesome.
   Liz:
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Couldn't have been that great of a party. You're on time to work for the first time ever. January 17th write it down Cerie, it's historic.
   Tracy:
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How dare you Liz Lemon! I'm not arriving to work! I left the party on a bacon run.
   Liz:
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Right it down Cerie, January 17th, just like every other day.
   Tracy:
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Oh, what's today's date?
   Cerie:
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January 17th
   Tracy:
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2007?
   Cerie:
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Yeah.
   Tracy:
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Aw, damn it! I knew this was going to happen. Toofer, pass me some paper.
   Frank:
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What's wrong?
   Tracy:
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My autobiography is due tomorrow!

First Assignment

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   Jack:
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Morning, boss. I'm sorry I'm late.
   Kenneth:
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Well, don't let it happen again. Are you ready for an exciting and challenging day?
   Jack:
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You bet.
   Tracy:
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Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
   Kenneth:
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Our first assignment!

Confederate Money

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   Liz:
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Oh this is so annoying. I just went down to the ATM to get money and it gave me a $100 bill.
   Jenna:
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So?
   Liz:
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It's like having confederate money. No one's gonna take that.
   Jenna:
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Whatever. It'll give you something interesting to talk to the head about.
   Liz:
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Oh yeah, am I doing that?
   Jenna:
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Yeah, right now.

Unexpected Date

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   Receptionist:
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Hi, can I help you?
   Liz:
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Yes I'm looking for the Head?
   Receptionist:
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The head of what?
   Liz:
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Yeah, how am I gonna do this?
   Gray:
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Hi. what are you doing up here?
   Liz:
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Oh, Chris Matthews owes me 10 bucks.
   The Hair:
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Yeah, you'll never get that.
   Gray:
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My name's Gray, by the way.
   Liz:
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You know, it's kind of funny. My friend Jenna and I don't know your name, so we've been calling you the hair.
   Gray:
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The hair? How would you like it if i called you glasses?
   Liz:
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I would be fine with that.
   Gray:
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Oh good, becuase that's what i've been calling you, which was no help when I was trying to find your extension.
   Liz:
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Why were you trying to find my extension?
   The Hair:
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I have a friend who's opening a new restaurant in Soho, and I was hoping that you'll go with me.
   Liz:
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What?
   The Hair:
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Uh, Do you want to go out with me tonight?
   Liz:
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Why?
   The Hair:
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Because it would be fun. And you seem cool.
   Liz:
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What?

Tracy's Biography

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   Tracy:
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1979. I was looking for some money in my mother's room and I found some naked pictures under her mattress. She was just sitting there in her housecoat holding one of her boobs like this.
   Frank:
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Whoa.
   Tracy:
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I knew she must of have taken those pictures for her boyfriend, Sonny, cause Sonny used to come over twice a month. And you knew when sonny was coming over, cause she would take us to the store, and buy 2 steaks and bottle of nair with cocoa butter. How many pages do we have now?
   Toofer:
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5.
   Tracy:
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Make the letters bigger, Toof!
   Frank:
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According to wikipedia you were discovered after doing stand-up at the Apollo in 1984.
   Tracy:
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I have no memory of that. Write it up.
   Jack:
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Here is your salad and your change.
   Josh:
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Oh no. Dude, is this Spinach?
   Jack:
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Yes, you, uh you asked for a spinach salad.
   Josh:
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No I like the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with Romaine.
   Jack:
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So you want me to take it back?
   Josh:
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I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?
   Jack:
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Yes.
   Josh:
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Well then yeah! Genius! Get me a new salad. Or get me a time machine so I can go back in time and smack your mom for smoking crack while she's pregnant. Too much?
   Kenneth:
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No that's usually how it goes.

Upseting The Natural Balance

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   Jenna:
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Hey, what happened? Did you ask him?
   Liz:
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Well I was going to.
   Jenna:
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Oh Liz.
   Liz:
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But, before I could, The Hair asked me out.
   Jenna:
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What? The The Hair? What did you say?
   Liz:
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I had to say yes. He looked at me with those crazy handsome guy eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon.
   Jenna:
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No Liz, do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like "Star Trek".
   Liz:
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"WARS"! I'm sorry you're right. I don't go out on dates with guys like Gray. It feels wrong. He's The Hair, and I am a Head plus at best.
   Jenna:
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Or maybe you really are The Hair, and I'm The Head in our relationship. Oh, god, no.
   Liz:
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Something is wrong with this. I have upset the natural balance of things.
   Jack:
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Good morning, ladies. I'm making a coffee run. Would either of you care for anything? "Liz and Jenna -- nothing."
   Liz:
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What's happening?
   Jenna:
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I don't know.

Brian Williams Office

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   Jack:
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Good God what does that man do in here?
   Kenneth:
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I don't know. I've never met Brian Williams. But his dressing rom has to be cleaned up every day between 11:00 and 11:30 That way, by the time Mr. Williams gets back from the liquor store, it's nice a tidy.
   Jack:
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Oh. Kenneth, a friend tipped me off about a position in our aviation division. It's entry-level only, of course. Is this tube sock full of bird seed?
   Kenneth:
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Uh, yes sir. Just put it in the basket with the others.
   Jack:
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At any rate, I'd be happy to put in a good word for you.
   Kenneth:
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What? And leave show business? No, thank you.
   Jack:
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Kenneth, what's your plan?
   Kenneth:
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Well, I like to start cleaning in one corner and then work my way across the room in a zigzag.
   Jack:
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No, no, no, no -- your life plan. Your learning nothing here. You're doing nothing here. You're a punching bag.
   Kenneth:
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I like this job.
   Jack:
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Kenneth, this is not a job. This is an exercise in constant humiliation.
   Kenneth:
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You're fired.
   Jack:
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I beg your pardon.
   Kenneth:
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You said I'm your boss for today, so I fire you.

Soho Party

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   Liz:
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How you doing?
   Gray:
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Liz? Hi. This is Kiara, Francesca. That's Talbot, and that's Armand.
   Liz:
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Hello.
   Gray:
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Would you like something to drink?
   Liz:
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Yes, uh, Pinot grigio.
   Gray:
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Be right back.
   Liz:
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Is that bad? So have you guys been watching "Heroes"? I like the Japanese dude.
   Waiter:
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The hors d'oeuvres tonight are boxes of pure oxygen infused with a saffron and a white truffle oil.
   Francesca:
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Wow.
   Jenna:
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Hey how's it going?
   Liz:
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Terrifying. It's too much. I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheddar cheese.
   Jenna:
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If it makes you feel any better, I've discovered I'm not a head.
   Liz:
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I'll talk to you later.
   The Head:
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Let's put the "fun" in "funky!" (American Pie plays off key)

Leaving The Party

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   Gray:
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Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
   Liz:
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Sorry. That party was just a little too awesome for me.
   Gray:
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Do you want to go someplace else, just the two of us?
   Liz:
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Ok, what's your game friend?
   The Hair:
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Game? There's no game. What are you talking about?
   Liz:
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I don't have any money, if that's what you're after. And I'm not one of those girls that does weird stuff in bed because they think they have too. If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore. And if you're trying to harvest my organs and sell them, I have an uncle who's a cop, so don't even try.
   Gray:
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Hey we all have uncles who are cops so just take it down a notch.
   Cashier:
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No $100s, Small bills.
   Liz:
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Oh, I knew this was gonna happen.
   Cashier:
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Store policy.
   Liz:
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Yeah, Well, That's an illegal policy. You have to take this.
   Cashier:
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No, I don't
   Gray:
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Yeah sir you do, it says "legal tender for all debts, public and private."
   Cashier:
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Does it say anything about $100 for a bottle of water?
   Gray:
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You can't decide what money you'll accept. That's illegal.
   Liz:
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It's an illegal policy.
   Cashier:
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You're holding up the line!
   Liz:
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(Along with Gray) No, You're holding up the line!

Christmas

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   Tracy:
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1998. Well, I spent most of the summer in the studio doing my Christmas album, which was huge.
   Toofer:
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I'm almost afraid to ask. What Christmas album?
   Tracy:
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Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane full of snow dreams. a stocking full of smiles. It's a Jordan Christmas!
   Frank:
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I remember that. That video was raunchy.
   Tracy:
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Mm-hmm.

Calling In Sick

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   Gray:
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Hi
   Liz:
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Hi
   Gray:
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Did you get home ok last night?
   Liz:
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Yeah. Thank you for convincing me to go back to the party. It was fun, although, I ate way too much oxygen.
   Gray:
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Yeah, you actually got a little oxygen right there on your, uh, coat.
   Liz:
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thank you. This is gonna sound pathetic, but I'm kind of trying to make myself do new things, and last night was all new for me, so that's good.
   Gray:
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OK, so, here's something else I bet you've never done before, call in sick to work and go see a movie.
   Liz:
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A movie?
   Gray:
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A movie.
   Liz:
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With you?
   Gray:
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With me.
   Liz:
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Now?
   Gray:
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Right now. come on. Good.
   Liz:
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Oh pete, it's me. I'm not coming in. I have a flu thing, and I'm (Gags) I just barfed on sixth avenue. I.. Hi Jack. I was, um. This is Gray.
   Gray:
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Hi
   Jack:
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Nice to meet you. Lemon, you're looking a little under the weather. Maybe you should go home.
   Gray:
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Come on.

Pitching Gold Case

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   Jack:
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Kenneth, do you have a minute?
   Kenneth:
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I sure don't.
   Jack:
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Kenneth, you and I actually have a lot in common. We're both hard workers. When I was your age I was putting myself through college in Boston, paddling swan boats for the tourists.
   Kenneth:
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Is that a euphemism for some kind of sex worker?
   Jack:
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Kenneth, my point is, I worked hard because I wanted to get somewhere. I had drive. And it disappoints me to see you, without a dream, content with this meaningless, pitiful job.
   Kenneth:
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Do you know why I put up with this "pitiful job" Mr. Donaghy, why I fetch these folks lunches and clean up their barfs? Because they make television. And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form. Think of all the shared experiences television has provided for us. From the moon landing, to the Golden Girls finale. From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam, to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon. From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics, to the less fun Winter Olympics. So please, don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir. I am living my dream. Oh my. How'd he get that up there?
   Jack:
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I wish I shared your passion for television Kenneth. Which show would you rather watch? A ex-porn star who talks to ghosts, or a remake of Little House on the Prairie?
   Kenneth:
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Neither! I want to see a show where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music. I also have an idea for a cop show called K-9! Exclamation point. Oh, and a game show called Gold Case. It's a cross between Deal or No Deal and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host, to be determined.
   Jack:
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Go on.
   Kenneth:
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It's called Gold Case. It's Deal or No Deal meets Millionaire. There are 10 models, each holding an identical briefcase, but one of them is filled with gold.
   Executive:
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What you pitched this idea to anybody else?
   Kenneth:
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Well I talked to moonvest over at CBS.
   Executive:
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Les Moonves, president of CBS, knows about this?
   Kenneth:
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Hey Moonvest, I got an idea for a television game show last night.
   Moonvest:
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Give me your fingernails!
   Kenneth:
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No!
   Executive:
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We've got to move fast. Mr. Parcell, we love "Gold case" How do we make your show?
   Kenneth:
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I thought y'all would know where to get cameras and stuff.
   Jack:
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I think he means "how much do you want for it?"
   Kenneth:
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Oh, okay. As far as compensation goes, I would like to be officially the head of the pages, and I need a new clock radio.
   Jack:
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You've got it up there. Now snap it off.
   Kenneth:
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Also, I want 5 points on the back end, 20% gross on merchandising, and a creator credit on this and any international editions. And a clock radio.
   Executive:
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We're a go. Congratulations.
   Kenneth:
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Thank you.

No Thank You Mr. Jordan

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   Tracy:
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Woke up in a camper at the auto show, and that's how 2006 ended. 2007?
   Toofer:
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I can't believe this. We're actually gonna pull this off.
   Tracy:
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It was early January 2007 when i got the idea to write my autobiography, so i took a meeting at random house, and i went in and talked to this editor about it, and this dude looked me straight in the eyes and said, "No, Mr. Jordan. No, thank you, we do not want your book." Oops, my bad. That's on me. Shut it down.

Waiting For Something To Go Wrong

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   Liz:
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No way! Your elevator opens right into your apartment.
   Gray:
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Are you coming in?
   Liz:
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I don't know. Uh, this is new for me. I don't really hang out with superfluously handsome gentlemen in kick ass elevator lofts.
   Gray:
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Aw. what else don't you do?
   Liz:
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I don't smoke. I don't use any drugs, except for my allergy medicine. I don't download music without paying for it. And I never wear flip flops, ever, it's gross. I do not sit on laps.
   Gray:
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Really
   Liz:
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Nope, not a lap sitter, never have been.
   Liz:
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(Flashback to Kid Liz) (To Santa) Nice to see you again.
   Gray:
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I thought you were trying new things.
   Liz:
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Okay. It's just it's a small girl thing. It's not a grown lady thing. Okay. All right. Here we go.
   Gray:
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See it's not so bad
   Liz:
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No, it's not bad. Okay, I keep waiting for something to go wrong.
   Gray:
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Liz, I am not gay. I am not married. I don't have a human head in my freezer.
   Liz:
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Yeah, but you're the hair.
   Gray:
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So are you
   Liz:
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Ok we're gonna do this then. Why do you have a picture of my great aunt Dolly?
   Gray:
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Uh no that's my grandmother's cousin Dolly.
   Liz:
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(Along with Grey) Dolly Harlan.
   Liz:
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No I said Dolly
   Liz:
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(Along with Grey) Harlan. From Smithtown.
   Liz:
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Oh my god, we're related. oh, no. oh, god. This is the worst!
   The Hair:
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Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt were fifth cousins.
   Liz:
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Ok on the count of three say what level of cousins we'd have to be for this to be ok. One, two, three.
   The Hair:
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Fifth!
   Liz:
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Unacceptable no matter what.
   Gray:
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This is never gonna work.
   Liz:
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Of course it's not. It never was. This is what i get for trying to be somebody I am not.
   Gray:
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! look, look, I meant what i said earlier. You are a hair, Liz Lemon. It's in our blood. Accept it. Embrace it. I think we're third cousins.
   Liz:
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Yeah, I'll see you at the reunion. Kind of wish you had a door right now.

Gold Case

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   John McEnroe:
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All right Jeff. One of these briefcases is filled with $1 million worth of solid gold. Are you ready? Let's play "Gold Case."
   Jeff:
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That one.
   John McEnroe:
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Congratulations. You've struck gold on Gold Case! Right!
   Jack:
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Uh-oh.
   Kenneth:
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What?
   Contestant #2:
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That one.
   Contestant #3:
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That one.
   Contestant #4:
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That one.
   John McEnroe:
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Congratulations. You struck gold on "Gold Case."
   Kenneth:
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Oh. Gold's real heavy. isn't it?
   John McEnroe:
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This game doesn't work!
   Jack:
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Ok, my bad. Shut it down.
   Producer:
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Shut it down! That's it!
   Jack:
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At least you got a clock radio out of it, right?
   Producer:
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Shut it down! That's it!
   John McEnroe:
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Whose idea was this?! This is pathetic. Joke -- this whole show is a joke.