The Source Awards    [ Season 1 | Episode: 16 ]

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The After Party

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   P.A.:
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That's a wrap. Monday's caII tIme -- 9.:00 A.M.
   Tracy:
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Good show, Liz Lemon ! You coming to the after-after party?
   Liz:
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We have after-after parties?
   Steven :
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Hey! l'm Steven !
   Liz:
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Hi, Sven ! l'm Liz!
   Tracy:
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Yo, Lemon ! You coming to the after-after-after party?!
   Liz:
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Sure.
   Steven :
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l'm Tracy's new business manager. He gave me tickets to see the show.
   Liz:
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Oh, cool.
   Tracy:
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Let's blow this joint! lt's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch set-up. You going to the after-after-after-after party?! Well, let's rock!
   Liz:
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2 1 2-555. . .
   Tracy:
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Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?

Donaghy Estates

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   Jack:
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The inaugural vintage.
   Liz:
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''Donaghy Estates''?
   Jack:
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lt's from that vineyard on the North Fork of Long lsland that l bought. l told you about that. Oh. lt must have been Angie Harmon. Oh, l'm really excited about this. After 20 years of working for big companies, l finally have my own name on something.
   Liz:
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l know what you mean. When l was 8, l had my name on the scoreboard at a Phillies game. They spelled it ''Lez.'' But it was pretty cool.
   Jack:
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Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
   Liz:
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Well, congratulations.
   Jack:
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Yes.
   Liz:
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Mnh ! Oh ! l'm gonna vomit!
   Jack:
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What the hell am l gonna do?! l've got 1 0,000 cases of this crap!
   Steven :
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Hey, am l interrupting?
   Jack:
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No. Hey, Steven, how are things going with Tracy?
   Steven :
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l'm making progress on his lRS problems --
   Liz:
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You two know each other?
   Jack:
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Well, l referred Tracy to Steven, who's an executive vice-president at the investment firm of Dewey, Cheatum, & Livingston.
   Steven :
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l just swung by to see if we were still on for tonight.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, of course.
   Steven :
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Good. See you tonight.
   Jack:
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Well, well, well, Lemon ! Steven's a good man. He's on partner track at Dewey. And he's a Black.
   Liz:
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''A'' black? That is offensive!
   Jack:
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No, no. That's his last name. Steven Black. Good family.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, of course.
   Jack:
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Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
   Liz:
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Well, l don't care about that.
   Jack:
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Well, l know that is the type of thing we tell ourselves, but, trust me, when l was dating Condoleezza, there were genuine cultural tensions. l mean, we would go to the movies, and she would yell at the screen.
   Liz:
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l don't even notice those kind of things. When l leave work at night, l am just riding on a subway car full of scary teenage people.

Raw like Sushi

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   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, l have a message for you from a Mr. Ridikolus.
   Frank:
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Ridikolus, a hip-hop producer. lsn't that the guy that bit Suge Knight?
   Tracy:
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Yeah, yeah. He bit Suge Knight. He held Raven-Symone over a balcony, made Rasheed Wallace cry. Dude is crazy. l don't want him calling me.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, he didn't call, Mr. Jordan. He gave me the message after l wouldn't let him into your party the other night.
   Tracy:
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What?!
   Ridikolus:
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l'll call you when l get inside.
   Kenneth:
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l'm sorry. This is a private party.
   Ridikolus:
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Hold on. We're with Tracy Jordan.
   Kenneth:
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And Mr. Jordan himself said, ''Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.'' So haters to the left.
   Kenneth:
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Hey!
   Ridikolus:
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's your game, man?
   Kenneth:
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Boggle.
   Ridikolus:
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Come on. But you know what? You tell Tracy Jordan that Ridikolus. . .
   Kenneth:
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''ls gonna eat his family!''
   Tracy:
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Excuse me, won't you?

Date Prep

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   Jenna:
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Oh, hey. Oh, l'm sorry. Who died?
   Liz:
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Nobody. l have a date.
   Jenna:
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Really? With that guy that sent you the flowers?
   Liz:
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By mistake? No. That guy has a girlfriend.
   Jenna:
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Technicality.
   Liz:
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Although l did see Flower Guy recently, and it was pretty excellent.
   Floyd:
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Hey, Liz Lemon.
   Liz:
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Hey. . .Workout Flower Guy. What do you got there? The old leather pumpkin?
   Floyd:
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l'm sorry. What?
   Liz:
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l was just saying, uh, ''You got the old leather pumpkin?''
   Liz:
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Aah !
   Liz:
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But he's taken, so l'm gonna go out with this guy Steven that l met at the after party.
   Jenna:
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Oh, that cute black guy?
   Liz:
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Why am l the only person that doesn't care that he's black?
   Jenna:
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Race is a huge issue in this country, according to Newsweek magazine.
   Liz:
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Well, it's 2007. And some of us don't have those hang-ups. And good morning to you, sir. Ha.

Dead Man Walking

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   Jack:
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Lemon, come in. Tracy, what seems to be the problem?
   Tracy:
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''Tracy'' who? You looking at a ghost, J. D. , ''Dead Man Walking,'' ''The Green Mile,'' ''Christmas With The Klumps.''
   Liz:
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ls this about Ridikolus? Because l think you're overreacting.
   Tracy:
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Look, l am old-school. Growing up, when you were mad at somebody, you'd just break-dance at 'em. l'm talking about break hard, put it back, pop, pop, pop. And the gladiators bring it back down.
   Liz:
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Yeah, l'm familiar with break-dancing, okay.
   Tracy:
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Worm it out. Pop, boom ! Now brothers just shoot you !
   Liz:
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Oh, d-d--
   Tracy:
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Mmm. Look, Ridikolus is the biggest hip-hop producer in New York City. And he was disrespected at my party!
   Jack:
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This may be a great opportunity.
   Liz:
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For what?
   Jack:
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To unload some of this awful wine. Tracy, for years Cristal was the hip-hop champagne until the president of Roederer committed a fateful error.
   Jack:
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Cristal has since been boycotted in the rap community, creating a vacuum which could be filled by Donaghy Estates Sparkling Wine, which, according to this lab report, ''contains no lead and is not fatal. . . if swallowed.''
   Liz:
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Mmm.
   Tracy:
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lf you get rich off of this stuff, just take care of my family. l don't want my kids to have to go to college.
   Jack:
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Tracy, l'm not gonna let anything happen to you. You have my word. To success. ls that a piece of corn in there?

Awkward Date

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   Steven :
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So, uh, you like comedy? Have you heard of Mark Russell?
   Liz:
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Yeah, that's the guy that plays the ragtime songs about politics.
   Steven :
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Yes! He's wonderful ! He has this one. . . You better watch out, don't make a flap. 'Cause Hillary's wearing a Yankees cap.
   Liz:
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Oh, boy. Are you singing?
   Steven :
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Yes. lt's just so funny.
   Liz:
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So, how about ''Lost'' this season?
   Steven :
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Sorry.
   Steven :
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Sorry. l don't own a TV.
   Liz:
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Really? What do you sit and look at?
   Steven :
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l have hobbies. l participate in Vietnam War re-enactments. And l take pictures of interesting doors. And l spend a lot of free time blogging about Star Wars.
   Liz:
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Oh, really? You like ''Star Wars''?
   Steven :
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l love it!
   Liz:
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l was Princess Leia, like, four Halloweens in a row. Recently.
   Steven :
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No, no, no, no, no. Not the fantasy movie with the monsters. l'm talking about the Strategic Defensive lnitiative.
   Liz:
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Yeah, we should probably go ahead and order. Um. . . This porterhouse for two looks good.
   Steven :
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l'm just gonna get a salad. l really don't care about food.

Ridikolus Endorsement

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   Jack:
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And yet no brand has emerged to fill that market gap. At present, there is no club drink. That's where Donaghy Estates comes in. Now, as you may have read in Robert Parker's wine newsletter, ''Donaghy Estates tastes like the urine of Satan after a hefty portion of asparagus.'' But isn't that a question of taste?
   Ridikolus:
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Sure, it's about branding. lt's about perception.
   Jack:
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Exactly, and the ideal opportunity to launch a new drink label is right around the corner -- the Source Awards.
   Ridikolus:
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Well, l'm producing the Source Awards.
   Jack:
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And l would like Donaghy Estates to be your corporate sponsor.
   Ridikolus:
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You ever had more money than you can shake a stick at? Well, pick out a stick 'cause Ridikolus is gonna be drinking Donaghy Estates tonight.
   Jack:
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Excellent. Now, l also hope this means you'll set aside your problem with my friend Tracy Jordan.
   Ridikolus:
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No, l don't think l can let that go that easy.
   Jack:
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What if he makes it up to you? Who's hosting the Source Awards? What about Tracy?
   Kenneth:
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Hey, Matthew, you want some juicy office gossip? They're closing the C-Bank elevators for maintenance.
   Jack:
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That would have been a great way to shoot Tracy. Well, maybe next time.
   Kenneth:
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Were you gentlemen not given visitors' badges? Or did you all just not feel like wearing them?
   Ridikolus:
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Jack, what's up with your man?
   Jack:
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This is just our Kenneth. How's it going, Kenneth? [ Whispering ] He's very unstable. Did you get that at a cane shop?

Date Takes A Turn

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   Steven :
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So, then Zoolander goes, ''Mmm.''
   Liz:
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Yeah, l've seen the movie.
   Steven :
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Yeah, but when you see it on an airplane, they take out all the swears, and it makes it so much funnier, l think. Gracias. Wow. This has been so much fun. We should do this again.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah. Sure.
   Steven :
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The night's young. We should take a carriage ride around the financial district.
   Liz:
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Okay. Steven. . . You're obviously a really nice guy. But l just don't think we're a good match.
   Steven :
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Yeah, l know. l get it. lt's because l'm black. l said, ''l get it.'' You don't like me because l am black!
   Liz:
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Wha-- You think l am racist?! [ Whispering ] That is just nasty, negative. . .
   Steven :
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What did you call me under your breath?
   Liz:
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Nothing ! l am not racist! l love black men ! l love you ! This is fantastic! Let's get dessert! Yeah. Death By Chocolate! No, no, not that kind of chocolate.

Race

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   Jenna:
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Steven played the race card?
   Liz:
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Yes!
   Jenna:
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What did you do?
   Liz:
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What could l do? l picked up the check. And l made out with him a little bit in the taxi. Maybe if l just hang out with him four or five more times, he'll see on his own that we are a bad match.
   Jenna:
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Why do you do this to yourself? lf you don't like him, end it. Who cares if he thinks you're a racist?
   Liz:
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l do because l'm not!
   Liz:
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Ah ! Thank you, Ah-man-dah.
   Page:
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lt's Amanda.
   Liz:
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What are you gonna do?

Rap Names

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   Tracy:
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''Tom Cruise,'' 'cause that's how Oprah says it. ''To-o-o-o-o-m !''
   Jack:
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Tracy, good news. l think l solved your problem with Ridikolus.
   Tracy:
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For real, Jack?!
   Jack:
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All you have to do is agree to host the Source Awards on Saturday.
   Tracy:
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The Source Awards? No! No! No! No! No!
   Liz:
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What's the problem?
   Tracy:
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Death sentence number two. Shooting people at the Source Awards is a tradition. lt's like Christmas or shooting people outside of Hot 97.
   Jack:
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Tracy, don't worry. Ridikolus and l are in business together. Now, ''in business'' heals all wounds. Look at our relationship with Germany or Japan. Who can even remember what all the fuss was about?
   Tracy:
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lt's not about Ridikolus. Who else is gonna be at this thing?
   Jack:
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Well, you're gonna be sharing the stage with Nas --
   Tracy:
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No! He hates me! We used to date the same girl !
   Jack:
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What about Young Jeezy?
   Tracy:
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Forget about it. l called his pit bull a gaywad on '' 1 06 & Park.''
   Jack:
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The Game.
   Tracy:
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Nope.
   Jack:
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T. l. Superhead.
   Tracy:
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Ain't nothin' happening. No can do.
   Jack:
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Fabolous. Redonkey Kong.
   Tracy:
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Won't do. No!
   Jack:
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MC Scat Kat. Harmonculus.
   Jack:
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Raw Dog.
   Tracy:
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Hell, no! Me and his beef go way back! We were both cast members on a Nickelodeon show called ''Ray Ray's Mystery Garage.''
   Tracy:
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Brush your teeth Brush your teeth When it's time for bed, you got to brush your teeth
   Man:
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Cut!
   Child:
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Hey, chump, you scuffed my sneakers! Dr. J wears these!
   Tracy:
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l'm sorry, man. l'm pretty drunk.
   Child:
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Know what? l'm gonna eat your family!
   Jack:
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Tracy, if it'll make you feel any more comfortable, l'd be happy to loan you a handgun.
   Liz:
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What?!
   Jack:
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Oh, Mother, l forgot you were there.
   Liz:
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No, he's not taking a gun. Tracy, just tell them you can't go.
   Tracy:
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lf l don't go, Ridikolus is gonna kill me. lf l do go, someone else is gonna kill me. See? lt's a Catch-22. Aah ! He's gonna be there, too. God !

DE Commercial

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   Ghostface Killah:
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Yo, yo, my G's, we roll 50 deep in the club V. l. P. , sippin' on Donaghy 'Cause l can get raw and take names Just like Lebron James And ''Donaghy'' kinda rhymes with ''party,'' which is cool This is nasty. l got to get out of here. l can't take this no more. l got to take a break. l can't drink any more of this. My tummy's killing me.
   Ridikolus:
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Okay, cut! Everybody, take five.
   Jack:
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Ghostface, you think you could mention donaghyestates.com at any point?
   Ghostface Killah:
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Okay, Jack, l'll go get my rhyming dictionary.
   Ridikolus:
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Tracy hasn't returned any of my calls. Do we still have a deal, Jack?
   Jack:
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Don't worry. He'll be there.
   Ridikolus:
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What color plane you want to buy?
   Jack:
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Clear. . . Clear. . . like Wonder Woman's.

The manatee

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   Tracy:
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You don't realize how beautiful a sunset is till it's the last one you'll ever see. Ken ! l'll be gone soon. But l just wanted you to know that l've loved being your mentor. lt's been an honor having you be my manatee.
   Kenneth:
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Oh. Mr. Jordan, l hate seeing you like this. What can l do to help you? Nothing, Ken.
   Tracy:
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l'm just going through the classic stages of grief -- fear, denial. . . horniness, wisdom, sleepiness. . . and now depression.
   Kenneth:
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What about anger?
   Tracy:
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No! l don't want to do anger! You can't make me!
   Kenneth:
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Now, stop it, Mr. Jordan. You need to take some of your own advice. Aren't you the man who told me to live every week like it's Shark Week and that nothing's impossible except for dinosaurs? Don't give up on life, sir.
   Tracy:
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Wow. The manatee has become the Mento. Wow.

Still Not A Match

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   Liz:
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Hey, Steven. Can l talk to you?
   Steven :
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Sure. l was just gonna call you. Now, l know you like food. So l found this really neat Canadian restaurant in Times Square.
   Liz:
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Look, l need you to understand something. l don't want to go out with you. And it has nothing to do with your race.
   Steven :
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Okay.
   Liz:
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Steven, listen to me, okay? And please believe what l'm saying. l truly don't like you. . . as a person. Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?
   Steven :
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Liz, l wish it could be like that. And maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that. But it just doesn't work that way today.
   Liz:
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So, what you're saying is any woman that doesn't like you is racist?
   Steven :
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No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Some women are gay.
   Liz:
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Okay, how racist is this? l'm going to the Source Awards tomorrow night.
   Steven :
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Well, let me get on the black phone and call the NAACP so they can just send you your medal right now.
   Liz:
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You know what? You're going with me as my date. And you will see that we don't get along as people.
   Steven :
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Yeah? Will there be a gift bag?
   Liz:
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Probably.
   Steven :
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You can have everything in it. . . . . . because l collect tote bags.

Ron Mexico Plan

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   Liz:
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Tracy, do you think l'm racist?
   Tracy:
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No. l think you like to dress black men up as Oprah as part of your effort to protect our dignity.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. We've got John Travolta-a-a-a!
   Jack:
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Tracy, buddy, you've got to do this Source Awards thing.
   Tracy:
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No, l don't. Why not? l haven't given up on life yet. l have a plan.
   Liz:
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What plan?
   Tracy:
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l'm gonna find a homeless man, dress him up like me, set him on fire, then l'm gonna start a brand-new life in Arizona under the new name ''Ron Mexico.''
   Dotcom:
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We're not doing that.
   Jack:
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Look, l need you to do me this favor. l know you're nervous. Why don't we go down to the pistol range, squeeze off a few rounds, let the guns do the worrying?
   Liz:
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Again with the guns! What is it with men and guns?!
   Tracy:
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l think l speak for the both of us when l say, '''Cause they're metal penises.''
   Liz:
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Yeah, well, you can't solve all your problems by shooting someone or setting a stranger on fire. Would Oprah do that?
   Jack:
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Lemon does make a good point, Tracy. What would Oprah do? Would she run away from her community? Or would she face her problems head-on and try to make a difference at the Source Awards?
   Tracy:
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[ lmitating Oprah ] What would l do, Tracy? What would l do-o-o-o-o?

The 2007 Source Awards

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   TV:
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WeIcome to the 2007 Source Awards!
   Jack:
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That's great news. Thank you so much. That was the lab. The monkey died of natural causes, so we're in the clear.
   Ridikolus:
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lt's great doing business with you, Jack.
   Jack:
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You, too, Ridikolus.
   Ridikolus:
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Call me Gerald.
   Jack:
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Oh.
   Tracy:
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[ lmitating Oprah ] The choice to be excellent begins with the choice to silence your inner critic. Embrace your spirit!
   Ridikolus:
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What was that?
   Jack:
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Oprah. lt was the only way we could get him to come.
   Tracy:
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You're all wonders. You're all my miracles. You're all my children of the corn ! Good for you ! Good for you !
   Liz:
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Thank you. He's channeling Oprah.
   Steven :
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Why? Because he's articulate?
   Liz:
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There is something about you that l just don't like.
   Steven :
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Yeah. Hey, can you put my phone in your purse for me? l don't want to drop it when l start krumping.
   Liz:
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Oh, why do guys always do this? Bring your own purse! l'm gonna get food.
   Kenneth:
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Here you go! Another case of D. E. l actually tried some before. lt tasted real good, but it made my tongue turn white.
   Ridikolus:
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Hey, do l look sweet to you? Do l look like sugar? Back away!
   Jack:
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He's harmless. Don't be ridiculous.
   Ridikolus:
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l am Ridikolus. And you better be glad that Jack Donaghy has your back.
   Kenneth:
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Well, l. . .got your nose!
   Ridikolus:
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Jay, go get my nose back.
   Man:
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Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Mr. Tracy Jordan.
   Tracy:
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Welcome to the 2007 Source Awards, our chance to come together as a community to not only look into our hearts, but to look under our seats, because everyone is getting Vermont maple sco-o-o-o-nes!
   Kenneth:
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Excuse me. Excuse me. Coming through.
   Ridikolus:
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Aw, man, you did not just scuff these shoes. P. Diddy wears these.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, will he be mad when you give them back?
   Ridikolus:
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Son, to have you, your moms must have been so stupid she thinks Grape-Nuts is an STD.
   Kenneth:
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Well, sir, your mother must not have raised you right 'cause you're not saying very nice things.
   Tracy:
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Girlfriend, Oprah was right! People just want to be together and get free stuff! l didn't really have to bring this.
   Liz:
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Oh, my God, Tracy! How do you get the bullets out of this thing?
   Steven :
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Hey! My pants! l was looking for my phone in your purse! l wasn't trying to steal anything, you racist!
   Liz:
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lt was an accident!
   Jack:
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Good God, Lemon, you shot a Black!
   Man:
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Aw, man.
   Jack:
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No, no, no, it's cool. That's his last name.
   Ridikolus:
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You got to be kidding me, Donaghy. First Mr. Furley here disrespects me, and then she shoots my business manager?
   Steven :
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l got blood on my tote.
   Ridikolus:
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He's got blood on his tote!
   Ridikolus:
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You're making a mockery of the Source Awards! Wait till l tell Tupac about this. Uh. . . uh. . .
   Jack:
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l didn't hear anything.
   Ridikolus:
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Good. Get him out of here!
   Liz:
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My bad !