Jack Gets In The Game    [ Season 2 | Episode: 2 ]

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New Beginnings

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   Liz:
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You wanted to see me?
   Jack:
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Yes, I did. This is a $54 steak.
   Liz:
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Well, congratulations; it looks really good.
   Jack:
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Yes it does. And of course I can't eat it because of my recent, uh--
   Liz:
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--Heart attack.
   Jack:
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Secret heart attack. No strenuous activity, no red meat, no booze, but I thought, perhaps, you might enjoy it.
   Liz:
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Oh ok, thanks! This'll make a great sandwich tomorrow.
   Jack:
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No, no, I would like you to eat it here. Right now.
   Liz:
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You want to watch me eat this steak in front of you?
   Jack:
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… That's what I want.
   Liz:
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Ok!
   Jack:
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This is a time of new beginnings for me, Lemon, and of course that means new opportunities. Have you read the interview with Don Geiss in this month's issue of 'Yachting Illustrated'?
   Liz:
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Ah-ha, no, I subscribe to 'Giant Boats'.
   Jack:
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"'The ocean,' says Geiss, 'like business, with the pillowy abyss of a lover's bosom, seem infinite, but all things must end."
   Liz:
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"Pillowy abyss"?
   Jack:
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Ignore that part. "All things must end." Geiss is sending signals about retirement, about succession.
   Liz:
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By talking about sex in a sailing magazine?
   Jack:
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That's exactly how Margaret Thatcher did it. Geiss's job is the most coveted position in the free world.
   Liz:
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Well you-you're in the running for it, right?
   Jack:
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I would like to think so. But I've got to do something to raise my profile, to … distinguish me in some way, and I have to do it soo--you ate that whole thing?
   Liz:
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A dog took it. He came out of nowhere.

Taken Care Of

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   Liz:
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Hey, Jenna! What's up?
   Jenna:
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Pretty good.
   Liz:
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Are you ok?
   Jenna:
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Oh I'm fine Jenna, I'm just a little light-headed. I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday.
   Liz:
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Well what diet is gonna do that?
   Jenna:
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Oh it's the Japanese porn star diet. I only eat paper, but I can eat all the paper I want, so … [approaches a suit of armor] Hey there. Hi.
   Liz:
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Jenna, this isn't healthy. You know, maybe you're just fighting your natural shape. When did your mom gain all that weight?
   Jenna:
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Oh god!
   Liz:
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My point is, don't let people make you crazy about this. You are just as beautiful and talented as you ever were.
   Jack:
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No, no, no, no, you are fat. Now go see Dr. Spaceman right now and get this taken care of.
   Liz:
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How come men can be heavy and be respected, like James Gandolfini or Fat Albert? You know, it’s a double standard and America needs to get over its body image madness.
   Jack:
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Come on, what are we, back in college, freshman year? Let's go to the common room and talk about apartheid.
   Liz:
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Yeah, well, ok I'm sorry if I care about making the world a better place.
   Jack:
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You should be: it's a complete waste of time and it prevents you from dealing with this.
   Liz:
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Excuse me, what about this do I have to deal with?
   Jack:
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How's your love life going?
   Liz:
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I … believe that love comes to you when you're not looking for it.
   Jack:
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Did you return that wedding dress that you bought?
   Liz:
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I'm going to sell it online but my internet is being weird.
   Jack:
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How about the furniture for your home office; have you even set that up yet?
   Liz:
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I'm not making excuses Jack, but this is taken of! Ow! Ah, nerdz! I missed a dentist appointment this morning.
   P.A.:
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Josh to the stage please for Illiana Douglas talk show.
   Jack:
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Son of a bitch! Banks! What are you doing in town? You drawn to the phallic nature of our skyline?
   Devon Banks:
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Very funny, Jack. How gay is this? I'm here visiting my fiancée.
   Jack:
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What?
   Devon Banks:
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Kathy, this is Jack Donaghy.
   Jack:
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Banks, have you lost your mind?
   Devon Banks:
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Oh did I forget to mention that Kathy is Kathy Geiss, as in Don Geiss's daughter? Can you believe that Don thought she'd never get married?
   Jack:
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You can't--you're gay!
   Devon Banks:
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No, not anymore friend. You familiar with the Church of Practicology?
   Jack:
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You mean the cult that was invented by Stan Lee?
   Devon Banks:
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No, I mean the religion founded by the alien king living inside Stan Lee. You see, it's my faith in Practicology that has helped me uncover my true, straight self. It's definitely working. I can totally feel the gay draining right out of me. By the Eye of Zolnak, right guys?
   Jack:
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You're going to be Don Geiss's son-in-law?
   Devon Banks:
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That's right. And if you've read his recent interview in 'The Harvard Gay Business Review', you'll know that he's thinking about retirement. But I guess I'll find out more about that tonight at dinner. With Geiss. At a restaurant.

I Have An Idea

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   P.A.:
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Josh to the stage please for Illiana Douglas talk show.
   Tracy:
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Yo Ken, Angie and Grizz is coming by to drop some of my stuff off.
   Kenneth:
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Oh ok.
   Tracy:
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Yeah but I want her to know that I'm having a good time on my own, so you should go get us some party hats--the pointy kind.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, can't you just apologize to her?
   Tracy:
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No! 'Cause things have been said that cannot be taken back. She called my vanity license plate inscrutible: I see you ate one--am I? [ICU81MI] Hilarious! Angie is in the past, like Dracula or broadcast television.
   Kenneth:
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I think you're letting your pride get in the way, Mr. Jordan. I mean, if you saw Angie with another man--
   Tracy:
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What, who?! That guy Mike that redid our driveway? Nah. Whatever. She should find someone new. Doesn't bother me.
   Kenneth:
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Dotcom. I have an idea.
   Dotcom:
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Well I don't know, but it's worth a shot.
   Kenneth:
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Are you even listening to me?

The Disgusting Range

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   Dr. Spaceman:
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Now Jenna, medically speaking, for your height, your weight puts you in what we call the "disgusting range". Fortunately, there are solutions. For example, crystal meth has been shown to be very effective. How important is tooth-retention to you?
   Jenna:
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It's pretty important. What about my crazy surgical options, Dr. Spaceman?
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Please. "Dr. Spaceman" is my dad. Call me "Leo". And there are some wonderful crazy surgical options. Are you familiar with the Bradshaw Clinic?
   Jenna:
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Am I? That's where the Olsen twins were separated!
   Dr. Spaceman:
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I've sent a number of my famous clients there. I can make a call, get you in as soon as possible.
   Jenna:
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Thank you Leo. I can't be on television looking like I've just had a baby or something.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Now this right here is why I got into medicine.

We All Have Our Secrets

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   Jack:
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Devon's a genius.
   Liz:
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A "genius"? Isn't he just living a lie to get ahead at work?
   Jack:
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Well we all have our secrets. Devon's pretending to be straight. I'm trying to keep my heart attack under wraps. And Alan Garkel in legal? I don't think he really needs that wheelchair.
   Liz:
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No!

High-five? Not Now?

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   Kenneth:
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Ah! Oh, Mr. Banks. I didn’t see you there.
   Devon Banks:
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Well I've been following you for the better part of an hour, Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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Does Mr. Donaghy know you're here?
   Devon Banks:
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I don't need Jack's permission, Kenneth. I'm going to be running this place soon. And there are going to be some changes to … the pages' uniform, certainly.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Banks, Mr. Donaghy eats guys like you as part of a healthy breakfast. And I'm sure you think he's weak right now but he's only gotten stronger since his heart attack.
   Devon Banks:
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Heart attack? Really?
   Kenneth:
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Right Mr. D? High-five! Not now? Ok.

Everything Into An Issue

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   Liz:
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What is this, liposuction?
   Jenna:
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Plus bone shaving and organ reduction.
   Liz:
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Ugh!
   Jenna:
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Liz, you don’t understand, people look at me differently now--Jack, the writers, the manager at Forever 21.
   Liz:
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That is their problem, not yours! Is this clinic on a boat?
   Frank:
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Hey, I've got a character for Jenna called "Me want food!" She's in a supermarket and she keeps going "Me want food!"
   Liz:
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What? No! We're not treating Jenna any differently. She's going to play all the characters that she usually plays, like Hilary Clinton.
   Frank:
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That's awesome, "Fat Hilary"! She can be like, "Me want food!"
   Liz:
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No one is saying "Me want food!", Frank. We are going to showcase Jenna's talents.
   Jenna:
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Can I sing a song on the show?
   Liz:
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Yes, that's a great idea!
   Jenna:
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Can I sing and roller-dance?
   Liz:
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Yes! Yeah, because we are going to dare America to change their own attitudes about body image.
   Frank:
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Why do you have to make everything into an issue? Don't you have things to do in your own life?
   Liz:
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At least I don't live with my mom.
   Frank:
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Hey my mom's cool.
   Liz:
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I've got my life together, ok?
   Frank:
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Holy crap, did your tooth just fall out?
   Liz:
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Oh, that's not great, huh?

All The Different Ways

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   Tracy:
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Oh check this out: my key to the city of Gary, Indiana. Hmm! Look at this: my gold record for that novelty party song!
   Tracy:
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[singing] Werewolf bar mitzvah, spooky scary. Boys becoming men, men becoming wolves.
   Angie:
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Well I'm going now. Is there anything else you want to say Tracy?
   Tracy:
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Yeah. I miss you Grizz.
   Kenneth:
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Hello Angie. I hear you're single now, that's cool.
   Angie:
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What?
   Kenneth:
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I like your top. I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
   Angie:
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Uh-huh. Well, I don't have a husband anymore, so you can come over anytime.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I will! I'll come over at night!
   Dotcom:
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Good job Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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You should see my A-game.

Small World

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   Devon Banks:
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So dad … can I call you "dad"?
   Geiss:
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Why not? I have a grandkid who calls me "Don". The next time he does it, I'm marching that little bastard to a recruiting station.
   Devon Banks:
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Ha! Great story, dad!
   Jack:
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Don? Devon!
   Geiss:
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Jack! Small world. Join us!
   Jack:
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Are you sure, we wouldn't want to to intrude. This is Manon.
   Devon Banks:
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I never should have said we were going to a restaurant.

Me Want Food!

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   Woman:
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She got big.
   Liz:
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Her center of gravity is a little different.
   Jenna:
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Me want food!

Pound a Cheeseburger

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   Jack:
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Did you, uh, happen to tell Geiss about my little episode?
   Devon Banks:
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Come on Jack, I would never rat you out. I don't want to let you off that easy. Here, why don't you take some of my steak. I could never eat this much meat.
   Jack:
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That's not what I hear, haha!
   Geiss:
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Jack, we're having a little get-together up at the house on Saturday. You should come.
   Jack:
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That would be my pleasure, sir.
   Devon Banks:
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Yeah, you should come. It's going to be a whole day of team sports and beer. Get the ol' heart rate up. Maybe pound a cheeseburger in the sun, throw some butter on it. You're gonna love it! I'm gonna to make your heart explode.

Go to Angie!

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   Tracy:
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Hey Ken!
   Kenneth:
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You're up early, Mr. Jordan.
   Tracy:
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I only got 11 or 12 hours sleep last night. I got something on my mind grapes I need to talk to you about.
   Kenneth:
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Oh what is it, sir?
   Tracy:
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I saw you hitting on Angie the other day. Seeing you with her, it opened by eyes.
   Kenneth:
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Good for you, sir!
   Tracy:
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All those years, fooling around, wasn't fair to her. So you've got to make it fair! I want you to go to my house and make love to my wife, Ken.
   Kenneth:
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Jiminy Christmas!
   Tracy:
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My home address is in the GPS under "Da Crib" because we live on Da Crib Avenue. Now you go to Angie! And you make sure you pleasure her!

My Own T-shirt

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   Jenna:
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Well, they did laugh.
   Liz:
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At you, Jenna! At!
   Jenna:
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Right, the bad kind.
   Liz:
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You just can't be a real woman in this country. God! It's like those Dove commercials never even happened.
   Woman:
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Hey! Oh ho! "Me want food!" Hahaha!
   Liz:
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The woman was a Mouseketeer, ma'am
   Jenna:
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Let it go Liz. Oh! Oh my god, my own t-shirt!
   Guy:
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Hey! "I am wanting the foods!" Very good! Very nice!

So Strong

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   Geiss:
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Attaboy! Yeah! Thanks Jack, you earned me a grand!
   Jack:
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Thank you!
   Devon Banks:
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How's the heart holding up, buddy? You know you ought to just quit. Geiss loves quitters, if I understood his autobiography correctly. Oh wait, I didn't! You know what, it's all right Jack. When you're dead and I'm CEO… Oh my.
   Jack:
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Winthrop! How do you do it, man? You're always in such great shape.
   Winthrop:
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Same weight as when I wrestled at Yale, Jack
   Jack:
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Winthrop here wrestled at Yale.
   Devon Banks:
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With other dudes, or … ?
   Jack:
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Banks here says he can pin you.
   Devon Banks:
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Oh god, you're so strong! Oh god. You're having your way with me. Your back is like a barrel of snakes. Oh god, I'm just your doll! I think I love you. We're joking! It's all jokes.

No ordinary love

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   Dotcom:
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[singing] This is no ordinary love.
   Tracy:
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What have I done? Kenneth should be back by now. What's going on over at my house? No, no! Ugh. I gotta stop this.

Second thoughts

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   Jenna:
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Wow!
   Dr. Spaceman:
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There she is! "Me want food!" Did you know, scientifically speaking, that humans want food but don’t need it?
   Jenna:
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You k-you know I'm really having second thoughts about all this.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Oh, don't worry! Dr. Wally is the best there is. In a few of hours you'll be back to your old self. It'll be like none of this ever happened.

I’m keeping it

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   Jenna:
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I'm keeping it.
   Liz:
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Uh, what?
   Jenna:
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The fat. I've decided to keep it, because people recognize me and I get off on it.
   Liz:
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No! If you're going to do this, it's got to be because we are proving a point to the world.
   Jenna:
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Ugh! I'm not trying to prove anything. And you've got to stop telling people how to run their lives
   Liz:
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That's not what this is!
   Jenna:
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And it's kind of hard to take life advice from a single woman who is using her treadmill as a hanger for a wedding dress.
   Liz:
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Oh I guess I'm just supposed to put it in the closet with ham fat all over it?
   Jenna:
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And who's wearing a one-piece swimsuit instead of underwear.
   Liz:
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I have to do laundry…

Jack Wins

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   Devon Banks:
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There he is! Hey Jack, want a hot dog? Oh right, the sodium. Bump-bump, bump-bump, ka-boom. Hahahahaha! Just so you know if you hear this sound at your funeral, it's just me laughing. Hahahaha!
   Jack:
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I can't hear you Banks. Are you saying you want me to help you? Oh. And if I do, you'll stop trying to destroy me infront of Geiss? Oh. That is what you're saying, right? Here we go.
   Devon Banks:
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You're insane. That's it. I quit. No more football. Jack wins.
   Winthrop:
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Quitter!
   Devon Banks:
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Oh God! Just like the Greeks!

Sacred Bonds of Marriage

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   Tracy:
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I want to kill you Kenneth the Page!
   Kenneth:
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I'm sorry Mr. Jordan, I couldn't do it.
   Angie:
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This boy comes to the door, tries to kiss me, then he throws up and starts crying.
   Kenneth:
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My body wouldn't let me violate the sacred bonds of marriage, sir.
   Tracy:
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It was a gesture, Angie. I'm saying I'm sorry!
   Angie:
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No, I'm at the end of my rope Tracy Jordan.
   Tracy:
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But baby--
   Angie:
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Oh, hm. No more jewelry with my name misspelled. No more sexually-explicit skywriting. And no more white boys throwing up in my damn foyer!
   Tracy:
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What do you want? I'm willing to try anything.
   Angie:
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Ok. Here's what I want. From now on, I am on you like white on rice. You are not to leave my sight for one second--ever.
   Tracy:
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All right. If that's what it takes. That's what it takes.
   Kenneth:
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This grilled cheese has mayonnaise in it. What?

How's the Ticker?

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   Jack:
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Is it really worth it? I wonder. I mean, I almost let a man die today Caitlin, and for what? For a bigger office? For more money?
   Geiss:
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Jack. So, how's the ticker? Devon told me. He said you're not a well man.
   Jack:
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Well why don't we forget about Devon for the moment. Are you concerned about my heart, sir?
   Geiss:
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Hahaha! No, not at all, not after today. You out there with those boys in your condition; talk about heart. Take care of yourself Jack. I've technically died twice--it's not fun. But I'm not going to be around forever. At some point I want to spend more time with my grandkids, take my boat down to the islands, get to know my secret family up in Canada. But I want you to know you're on my list. Jack, you might run this company one day.
   Jack:
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Thank you sir. You mind if I watch you eat that?
   Caitlin:
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Ok.