Future Husband    [ Season 4 | Episode: 14 ]

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Jack In The Morning

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   Jack:
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Lemon.
   Liz:
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When you were watching me after my oral surgery, did I put a toaster waffle into my D.V.D. player?
   Jack:
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You did. You watched it for about an hour, said Nicole Kidman should get an Oscar for it, then you turned it off.
   Liz:
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Yikes. Thanks for babysitting me.
   Jack:
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I did my best, but you were pretty far gone. You kept trying to order home massages off of craigslist.
   Liz:
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Good thing you were here.
   Man:
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Hey, somebody order a massage?
   Liz:
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Oh, brother. You're too late! I already killed her!
   Man:
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Ah!
   Jack:
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Well played, Lemon.
   Jack:
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You went running? I thought you'd left. Who else is out there this early?
   Avery:
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Almost exclusively women that look like me. If the pervert community gets wind of morning jogging, God help us. Have you seen this? They keep talking about Sheinhardt selling N.B.C. to, uh, CableTown.
   Jack:
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That's never going to happen. How could a company from Philadelphia buy a company from New York? That would be like Vietnam defeating the United States in a ground war.
   Avery:
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I don't know, Jack. My sources...
   Jack:
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Well, I'm telling you that Don Geiss and I spoke about this and that sale is dead.
   Avery:
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Look, I read his autobiography, Geiss Cubes, whatever that means.
   Jack:
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It means the book is filled with cubes of knowledge. It's a good title. The principles in this book are timeless. I can open to any page. ''Because a woman's brain has fewer folds.'' Okay, hang on. Uh, ''The Negroid musculature...'' Nobody's buying anybody.

Future Husband?

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   Liz:
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Hey, where is Frank? He still hasn't rewritten the Olympics sketch about Lindsay Vonn, who won the gold medal for skiing.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, Mister Rossitano called to say he overslept and I should make up an excuse for him. So here goes: On his way to work, he found some magic beans, and because he believed in them...
   Jenna:
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Who did you put in your address book as ''Future Husband''?
   Liz:
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I have absolutely no idea.
   Liz:
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Ship up. Frank, Frank, Frank. What is this? ''Future Husband''?
   Jenna:
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Well, whenever I find something weird on my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to the last time I was drunk.
   Liz:
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Oh, my God. The dentist's office.
   Jenna:
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Oh, your dentist gets drunk with you too?
   Liz:
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No, when I was under the anesthesia, I did a bunch of stuff I don't remember.
   Kenneth:
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Including meeting the man of your dreams? Oh, Miss Lemon, it's so romantic. Just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of- Fatal Attraction.
   Jenna:
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Liz, you have to call him.
   Liz:
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What? No. I was out of my mind on painkillers. I have zero memory of this guy. I don't know what he looks like. He could be a serial killer. He could wear a thumb ring.
   Kenneth:
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Miss Lemon, you're such a pessimist. You know what my motto is? ''Everything always works out for the best.'' Watch this. I just threw my wallet out the window. But I'm not worried. Why? Because everything always works out for the best.
   Liz:
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Uh, I'm sorry. How was that supposed to make me call this guy?
   Kenneth:
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Be an optimist, Miss Lemon.

Going For The "T"

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   Jenna:
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Watch T.G.S. this Friday on... [Tracy coughing] On... [Tracy coughing]
   Tracy:
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I think we got it.
   Liz:
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Okay, good first take. Maybe we go one more time.
   Tracy:
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Excuse me? Do you know who you're talking to? A future Tony-nominated actor. That's right. It is Tony eligibility season. And I'm going for the ''T'' in my ''EGOT''.
   Jenna:
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Really? You've been cast on Broadway?
   Tracy:
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I'm doing a one-man show.
   Liz:
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You are? When?
   Tracy:
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Tonight.
   Liz:
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Have you prepared anything?
   Tracy:
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What am I, a nerd? I'm going to keep it loose, Liz Lemon.

buyout emanate

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   Jack:
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Jonathan! Jonathan, why is it so quiet in here? Why aren't the phones ringing? Is it Senior Executive Skip Day? That's usually in the Spring so we can go to an amusement park.
   Jonathan:
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No, sir, I don't understand. Maybe we're the last people on earth. Maybe we are legend. You're Will Smith and I'm the dog. You're Will Smith and I'm the dog.
   Jack:
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Hello?
   Avery:
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Answering your own phone on the first ring? It's all hands on deck over there, huh?
   Jack:
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Uh, what do you mean?
   Avery:
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Come on, the N.B.C. buyout. What's happening today?
   Jack:
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I'm sorry. You're calling me as a source? How are you going to explain your ''unnamed executive'' to your producer?
   Avery:
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I'll tell him it's a guy I'm having sex with. It'sa 24-hour news cycle here, Jack. We really don't have time to do it right anymore.
   Jack:
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So what do you want to know?
   Avery:
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Okay. I know the deal is happening today. The board is having a secret meeting. I just need a confirmation.
   Jack:
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Wait. What? No. I already told you this morning. There's no deal.
   Avery:
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Oh, my God. You really don't know what's going on. They cut you out of the loop, Jack, because you're against it.
   Jack:
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No, I'm not out of the loop. I just can't talk about it. I'm actually finishing up a meeting right now.
   Jonathan:
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Rhubarb, rhubarb, golf. Prostate.
   Jack:
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I'm going to have to call you back. Jonathan. I want you to go down into your little assistant underworld and find out where everybody is. I don't care what it takes. This is a matter of life or death.
   Jonathan:
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Yes, sir. But if anything should happen to me, I want you to read, Oh, the Places You'll Go at my funeral.
   Jack:
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I'm not doing that.

Check Up Time

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   Dr. Kaplan:
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Rinse, please. Well, you're healing very nicely. You may continue to experience sensitivity for a few more days.
   Liz:
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When can I start eating hard cheeses again, doctor?
   Dr. Kaplan:
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I've had this pamphlet printed up. It was expensive, but I'm really tired of discussing this with you.
   Dr. Kaplan:
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Huh.
   Liz:
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Dr. Kaplan, the last time I was here, I think I made a gentleman friend. But because of the anesthesia, I can't remember where or how.
   Dr. Kaplan:
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Well, there was another patient in the recovery room with you. And I remember you were both laughing quite a bit.
   Liz:
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Okay. So, uh, who is he? What does he look like?
   Dr. Kaplan:
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He has some gum recession. Four-pockets on 14 and 15. But overall, very good teeth. Especially for an Englishman.
   Liz:
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Ooh, he's English?
   Dr. Kaplan:
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I've said too much. I really can't tell you anything about him. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality.
   Liz:
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Oh, come on. I mean, you're not really a doctor.
   Dr. Kaplan:
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Well, If that's how you feel, then you're not really a patient. And people who aren't patients don't get toys from the treat bucket.
   Liz:
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But there's a Batman in there!
   Dr. Kaplan:
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Yeah, and if you wind him up, he swims in the bath.
   Liz:
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Damn you, Kaplan!

Tracy's Rave Review

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   Jenna:
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Who's here? I need someone to be outraged to.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I'm here, Miss Maroney. I actually slept here because my house keys are in my wallet. It wasn't too bad. Late at night, these two, little, twin girls told me they wanted to play with me forever.
   Jenna:
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Have you seen this?
   Kenneth:
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Is that a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade pun? In March?
   Jenna:
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It's a rave review. For Tracy. It's as if ''Claps-Giving Yay Harade'' has lost all meaning.
   Tracy:
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I did it! I'm a Broadway star! Jenna, could you accept my Tony on my behalf? June is a tough month for me because I begin life-guarding again.
   Jenna:
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You know, renting a theater for one night and babbling onstage for an hour...
   Tracy:
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Five hours.
   Jenna:
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Doesn't make you an actor.
   Tracy:
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I don't know. People seemed to like it.
   Jenna:
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Well, it certainly doesn't get you a Tony Award. I know the Tony rules because I've been petitioning for them to add a category for Living Theatrically in Normal Life. And I know for a fact you have to do your show a minimum of eight times to be eligible.
   Tracy:
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Wait, the same show?
   Jenna:
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Of course the same show.
   Tracy:
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But I can't do that. I'm a spontaneous actor. I never do the same thing twice.
   Director:
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Action!
   Tracy:
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Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! Jeffrey, we lost the tournament! I can't do seven more performances.
   Jenna:
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Well, then, you better think of something else that starts with ''T''. For your little necklace.
   Tracy:
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Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?

Mission Impossible

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   Jonathan:
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? Jonathan downloads Geiss' schedule ? ? Mr. Donaghy will be grateful ? ? [Scatting] ?

Bad Mojo Setup

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   Kenneth:
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Oh, good morning, Miss Lemon.
   Liz:
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Still haven't found your wallet, huh?
   Kenneth:
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No, and I realized there was a prescription in there I should have filled yesterday. It keeps me from... [Groaning] Hee-haw, hee-haw! Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell.
   Liz:
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Well, I went to the dentist yesterday, and I actually found out a little bit about my mystery guy.
   Kenneth:
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And?
   Liz:
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And I now know that he is English and he made me laugh.
   Kenneth:
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That's wonderful! Even if he does come from a country that's nothing more than the dried husk America came out of. So are you going to call him?
   Liz:
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And say what? That ''You're my future husband''? I'd like to at least know what this guy looks like before I put myself out there.
   Kenneth:
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Then, we need to find a way for you to see him. Through trickery.
   Liz:
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Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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We all know deceit is okay if it's done for love. Like when Lot's daughters got him drunk to repopulate the world through incest. Or when Screech went to the masquerade ball in disguise so Lisa would kiss him.
   Wesley Snipes:
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This is Wesley.
   Liz:
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This is Nurse Jamakaiah from Dr. Kaplan's office. So here's da ting. You need to come in today so the doctor can check dem teeth, mon.
   Wesley Snipes:
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Oh, is theresomething wrong? My check-up isn't for another week.
   Liz:
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He tinks dat toot might have some bad mojo in it, ja see. Might you be available to come in around 1:30, me lad?
   Kenneth:
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You're going Irish!
   Wesley Snipes:
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Okay, 1:30's fine.
   Liz:
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Cool runnings, mon. Bobsled.
   Kenneth:
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See, Miss Lemon? I told you everything would... Hee-haw, hee-haw! Stay away, I will bite you! [Groaning] Hee-haw!

News Room Showdown

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   Avery:
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Jack, what brings you down to news?
   Brian Williams:
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Hey, C.N.B.C. Nightly News rules.
   Avery:
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Go break a story, Williams!
   Brian Williams:
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Nightly rules!
   Jack:
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Avery, I have some information for you. But in exchange, I need you to do something for me.
   Avery:
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Okay. I told you last night, no. Why would you even want to braid my hair?
   Jack:
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Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it. But this is strictly professional. I saw Don Geiss' schedule. And you're right. There is something going on. And I know where.
   Avery:
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This is Jack Welch's address in Connecticut. But Don Geiss was seen last night at the Ritz-Carlton in Philadelphia.
   Jack:
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Decoys. Or he could have driven back by now.
   Avery:
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Ah, thanks for the tip.
   Jack:
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In return, here's how you're going to report it. ''Geiss Fights Off Buyout, ''Keeps Company Intact, Makes This Gesture''.
   Avery:
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Jack, I can't do that. Because this deal is happening. And if Don Geiss is fighting it, You should start distancing yourself from him.
   Jack:
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Distancing myself? That man is my mentor. He taught me how to command a room with my voice.
   Avery: