Stone Mountain    [ Season 4 | Episode: 3 ]

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The Search Continues

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   Jack:
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Now, remind me. Did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion, or did you also debut internationally?
   Liz:
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I'm happy to say that I don't even get that.
   Jack:
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How was your trip?
   Liz:
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Terrible. I had to give up my window seat to some 7-year-old who had to sit next to her precious mommy.
   Jack:
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Uh, what about the actual purpose of your trip? How is the search for the new cast member going?
   Liz:
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Okay, I saw a few good alternative comics in San Francisco at...
   Jack:
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San Francisco? I asked you to find an actor from middle America. A real person. You're not going to find him in the ''People's Gay-public of Drugifornia''.
   Liz:
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Jeez, relax. I'm also setting up auditions in Toronto.
   Jack:
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Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing...
   Liz:
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Jack, just say ''Jewish''. This is taking forever.
   Jack:
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Stop trying to amuse yourself and start thinking about what makes actual human beings laugh.
   Lutz:
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Who wants my puddings?
   Jack:
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Now, that's what I'm talking about.
   Liz:
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What a dumb... Oh, no, he's really hurt.

The Rule Of Threes

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   Frank:
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Hey, Tracy. Did you hear? Fred Dawkins, the incredibly overweight guy that Pac-Man was based on, died last night.
   Tracy:
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I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor.
   Tracy:
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Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween or Princeton Parents' Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
   Kenneth:
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It's Halloween, sir.
   Tracy:
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Proud it is.
   Kenneth:
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But this ''Almost All Saints' Day'' isn't going to be much of a celebration. I just heard that world famous clog dancer, Jugbert Cody, has gone to a better place.
   Tracy:
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He's in Cabo?
   Kenneth:
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No, sir, he passed away. But at least he died doing what he loved. Blogging on the Huffington Post.
   Frank:
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Wow, two down, one to go.
   Tracy:
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What do you mean?
   Frank:
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The Rule of Threes. Celebrities always die in groups of three. You'd better be careful, Tray.
   Tracy:
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Yeah, right. That's not a real thing.
   Tracy:
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This is going to be the scariest Princeton Parents' Weekend ever!

Be Nice To Get Your Way

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   Jenna:
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Hey, I read your rewrite. Start over, you hack!
   Kenneth:
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Miss Maroney, are you okay?
   Jenna:
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Oh, I'm fine. Just reminding the writers who's boss. With this new actor coming in, I want to make sure I get taken care of. I'm not going to be pushed aside and forgotten. Like that time at my sister's funeral.
   Kenneth:
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Ma'am, I don't think bullying people is the way to get them to help you.
   Jenna:
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This is show business. Being nice gets you nowhere.
   Kenneth:
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No, being nice can get you everywhere. Florence Henderson used to bake cookies for the Brady Bunch writers. And in return, they wrote her the role of a lifetime. As her own Grandma Hutchins.
   Jenna:
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I don't really remember The Brady Bunch, 'cause I was too young. But being nice to the writers. Interesting idea.
   Kenneth:
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Think about it.

Real American Humor

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   Kenneth:
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Excuse me, Mr. Donaghy? I wasn't sure if you were participating in this year's pumpkin carving contest. Or if, like last year, I should go jump up my own ass.
   Jack:
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Same as last year. Oh, uh, hang on. Kenneth, you're from Georgia, aren't you?
   Kenneth:
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Stone Mountain, sir. Although when the Parcells first came to America, they lived in a town called ''Sexcriminalboat''. Do you think that's Cherokee?
   Jack:
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Uh, uh, no. I mean, you're a Middle American. A Joe Average. You're the only one around here who knows what ordinary people want. So tell me. What makes you laugh?
   Kenneth:
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The usual, I suppose. Two hobos sharing a bean. Lady airline pilots. I remember growing up in Stone Mountain, my whole family would go down to the Chuckle Hut.
   Jack:
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That's the local comedy club?
   Kenneth:
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Oh, no, sir, It's a Chuckle Hut. You see, the chuckle is the part of the pig between the tail and the anus. But at night, the Chuckle Hut becomes the Laugh Factory. And that's a comedy club.
   Jack:
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Lemon, cancel your trip to Toronto. We're going to Stone Mountain, Georgia.
   Liz:
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After these messages?

Not Giving Up On Halloween

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   Toofer:
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Hey, Frank, what is this?
   Frank:
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It's an E-vite to our Halloween Party.
   Lutz:
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I don't want to do that again. Remember last year?
   Lady:
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Hey, I work across the street and I saw you guys are having a Halloween party.
   Frank:
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Yeah, we are.
   Lady:
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Could you close your blinds? You're really bumming all of us out.
   Toofer:
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It's humiliating.
   Frank:
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Guys, we can't give up on Halloween. It's a magical night where women dress slutty and drink too much. Where we can hide our bodies in bulky costumes. We've got to keep trying.
   Lutz:
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But we suck!
   Frank:
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Yes, but anything can happen on Halloween. Up is down. Black is white. Good is evil. And evil becomes good.
   Jenna:
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Hey, writers. I baked you cookies.

Nothing Happens on Charlie Rose

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   Tracy:
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Jack, you have to help me! I'm going to die any minute.
   Jack:
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What are you talking about?
   Tracy:
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Celebrities, they always die in groups of three. Two have already died. And I might be the next to go.
   Jack:
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That's ridiculous.
   Tracy:
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I've got to go somewhere where nothing will happen to me. Can you get me on Charlie Rose?
   Jack:
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Tracy, you have nothing to worry about. The Rule of Threes is a myth. It doesn't exist. Like going bald with dignity. That said, I would prefer if you take the next one.

Jenna and the Writers

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   Jenna:
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So, this all started when their plane crashed?
   Toofer:
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That's Lost.
   Jenna:
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Oh, right. You know, I met J.J. Abrams once. And I don't know what this means, but he said the island is just Hurley's dream.
   Toofer:
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Why is Jenna hanging out with us?
   Frank:
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'Cause she's freaking out about the new cast member, so she's trying to suck up.
   Lutz:
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I don't like having her around.
   Frank:
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Don't worry, we'll get rid of her. One prank at a time.
   Jenna:
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There my buddies are. Oh, wow, they painted the ceiling in here.

Fatty Fat America

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   Jack:
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We're going to find the perfect person for the show down here. Someone who represents the real America.
   Liz:
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Jack, for the 80th time, no part of America is more American than any other part.
   Jack:
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You are wrong. Small towns are where you see the kindness and goodness and courage of everyday Americans. The folks who are teaching our kids, running our prisons growing our cigarettes. People who are still living by core American values.
   Liz:
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There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called Fatty Fat's Sandwich Ranch. Turn here, turn here!
   Jack:
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Uh, Lemon, if this is going to play out like lunch, I suggest you crack your window now and save yourself the embarrassment in 20 minutes. Now they have hush puppies here, which you might know better as a knish or a beignet.
   Liz:
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I know what you're trying to do, Jack. You want to paint me as this New York snob. Can I share with you my world view?
   Jack:
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I'd rather hear you sing ''Rocket Man'' again.
   Liz:
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All of humankind has one thing in common: The sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
   Jack:
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What a surprise. Your world view is food-based.
   Liz:
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And who am I to say that my delicious Italian sub is better than its Stone Mountain equivalent? Which is why I will have the carp po' boy with extra chuckle.

Taking The Rule into his own Hands

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   Tracy:
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Keep refreshing. Maybe Andy Dick has died in the last 20 seconds.
   Kenneth:
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Okay, I'll keep looking.
   Tracy:
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No, I have to take matters into my own hands.
   Betty White :
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Hello?
   Tracy:
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Boo!
   Betty White :
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Who is this?
   Tracy:
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Hey, Betty, it's T.J.
   Betty White :
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Tracy, I haven't seen you since that Rapping Grandma movie we did. You were so funny as the rapping grandma.
   Tracy:
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So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?
   Betty White :
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Wait a minute. Are you calling because the Pac-Man guy and Jugbert Cody died? Is this a Rule of Threes call?
   Tracy:
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Um, no.
   Betty White :
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Nice try, Jordan. But I am going to be at your funeral. I will bury you.

Typical New Yorkers

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   Liz:
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Oh, this carp sandwich is not agreeing with my world view.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Hello there, folks. How y'all doing on this fine October?
   Liz:
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We have reservations under Donaghy and Lemon. We need keys.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Are y'all from New York?
   Jack:
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Yes, how can you tell?
   Travis Hoagle:
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New York people... Always in a real big...
   Liz:
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Hurry, yeah. No, it's not because we're from New York. We're all the same... sandwiches.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Y'all have a beagle with you?
   Liz:
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Just give us our rooms.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Let's see.
   Liz:
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Oh, my God.
   Jack:
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Tell me about the Peach Festival.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Oh, Peach Festival. They've got peach preserves, of course. Peach pie, peach wine, peach jerky.
   Jack:
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Ooh.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Peach butter.
   Liz:
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Unbelievable!
   Jack:
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I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
   Travis Hoagle:
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Down here, we call it ''Sexcriminalboat''.

The Benifits of Hanging with Jenna

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   Jenna:
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And there's been some Photoshop there. Hey, Frank. Do you know Sacha, Michael and Gay Michael?
   Sacha:
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Can I ask you a question? Why?
   Frank:
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God, it's bad enough having Jenna hang out here. Now she's bringing her friends? How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?
   Cerie:
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I like those guys. I might hang out with them on Halloween.
   Frank:
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What? Why?
   Cerie:
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Have you ever been to a gay Halloween? It's amazing. Last year, my girlfriends and I went to Mario Cantone's party in a renovated barn in Chelsea.
   Frank:
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So that's where all the girls are on Halloween. At awesome gay dude parties.
   Cerie:
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Oh, my God, we go so crazy. We kiss each other, get into vans, black out. I mean, I'm engaged, but not on Halloween.
   Frank:
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Stop, stop filling Jenna's wigs with raw shrimp!
   Toofer:
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Why?
   Frank:
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We need to pretend to be Jenna's friends for the next 24 hours. She's our ticket to a gay Halloween.
   Lutz:
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How come when Jenna suggests it, everybody's on board?
   Frank:
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No, Lutz, Jenna attracts gay guys. Gay guys throw awesome Halloween parties. Hot girls go to awesome Halloween parties. Ergo, if we're Jenna's friends...
   Toofer:
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We spend Halloween with...
   Lutz:
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Gay guys. Hot girls. Hot girls.

Everything Different In The South

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   Liz:
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God, are you doing this to me 'cause I took that blind guy's hot dog? Who was at the door?
   Jack:
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Uh, you probably know him as ''Hick at the Reception Desk''. But his name is Travis Hoagle. And, uh, he brought you something for your stomach.
   Liz:
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What is this? ''Peppy Bismilk''? Why is everything a little different here? I hate it!
   Jack:
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You hate it? You hate Travis Hoagle? Choir member, Desert Storm veteran, father of three? I made all that up, but you get my point.
   Liz:
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Do you even care that I am not feeling well?
   Jack:
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Of course I do. There, there.
   Liz:
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Thank you, that's nice.
   Jack:
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Well, I'd love to stay and do this all night, but one of us has to go to the Laugh Factory.
   Liz:
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No, I don't want you going there alone.
   Jack:
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Yes, you do. The people here, they're the audience we're trying to reach. I get them. I know what they want. I'm going to find somebody great tonight.

The Chuckle Hut

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   Pumpkin:
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Hey, Rick, what's the difference 'tween your girlfriend and your truck?
   Rick Wayne:
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I don't know, Pumpkin. What is the difference?
   Pumpkin:
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Your truck don't yell at you every time you get gas.
   Jack:
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Wonderful, Bravo, gentlemen.

Combined Parties

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   Frank:
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Hey, actor friend! So what are we all doing together for Halloween?
   Jenna:
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Oh, well, Sacha and the Michaels usually have a party.
   Frank:
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Oh, 'cause Lutz and Toof and I always have a party. Hang on, what if we combined parties, threw one, big party here in the studio? Is that crazy?
   Jenna:
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No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
   Sacha:
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A party? With them?
   Jenna:
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Oh, don't look at me like I'm a football game. I need those guys. I've been using them to make sure I'm taken care of when the new actor gets here.
   Sacha:
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Girl, I don't even have the energy to tell you what's happening here. So read my face.
   Jenna:
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Oh, my God. They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.

Jack Tells Liz about Pumpkin

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   TV:
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In Metro news, Mary Hillman is going to Gaffney for the weekend and hopes that Martha or Stephanie will water her plants. And now an update on...
   Liz:
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Very small town.
   Jack:
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Morning, Lemon. I brought you a ginger ale.
   Liz:
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''Schwupps Ginny Pale''? This place is the worst.
   Jack:
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Don't worry, we're leaving. Our work here is done.
   TV:
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Entertainment news: Local funnyman and sub shop owner, Rick Wayne, has been hired by a Catholic to appear on T.G.S. with a black fellow.
   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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Hear me out. We're hiring Rick Wayne and Pumpkin. It's a ventriloquist act.
   Liz:
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Oh, I'm too sick...
   Jack:
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See, you think you're not this prejudiced, arrogant New Yorker, but you are. Because in your mind, a Southern ventriloquist act can't be funny. But you know who does think it's funny? These people. These wonderful, folksy, simple...
   Liz:
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Stop calling them simple. You know what? You're the prejudiced one. Sure, some of these people are simple. But some of them are smart. Like Matlock. Or wholesome. Like Elly Mae Clampett. And some of them are skeevy dirtbags, like the Dukes of Hazzard, driving around like maniacs. Children use those roads. My point is Americans are the same everywhere. In that we are all different.
   Jack:
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You're wrong, Lemon. These people are better, purer. Do you know what I did this morning? I assisted in the birth of a foal. They named it Jack. And it was delicious. I know what I'm doing here, Lemon. We're hiring Rick and Pumpkin.
   Liz:
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We're not hiring anyone until I see them.
   Jack:
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Good God, Lemon, your breath. When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?

Tracy meets Jimmy Fallon

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   Jimmy Fallon:
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Hi, I'm trying to get to Studio 6-B from here? I'm still finding my way around.
   Tracy:
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You look clean. Are you a celebrity?
   Jimmy Fallon:
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Well, I have my own show on N.B.C.
   Tracy:
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No, celebrity.
   Jimmy Fallon:
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I was in a movie with Queen Latifah once.
   Tracy:
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Perfect, I'll show you the shortcut.
   Jimmy Fallon:
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Okay, are you sure this is the right way?
   Tracy:
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Yes, Queen Latifah's Friend, I'm sure.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan! Are you trying to kill Mr. Fallon with that hammer?
   Jimmy Fallon:
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What the hell? Is this a Rule of Threes thing? Not cool, guy.
   Tracy:
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I'm sorry, Ken, but I want to live.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, you're going to be fine. There is no Rule of Threes.
   Jimmy Fallon:
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Look out! Okay, okay, okay! Truce, truce, okay? But if some celebrity doesn't die soon, I'm going to kill my first guest tonight. It's a dog that plays soccer.
   Kenneth:
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Really? That's your first guest?
   Jimmy Fallon:
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Yeah.

Liz Phones Pete

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   Liz:
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Pete, I'm not going to let this happen.
   Pete:
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But what can you do?
   Liz:
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Well, Jack says I'm just an obnoxious New Yorker. So that's what Rick Wayne is going to get tonight. And it's going to get ugly.
   Pete:
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What are you... Oh, my God. You're going to heckle him. Like that time I invited you to see my cover band.
   Liz:
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Yeah, and today, the world is better off without the Pete Hornberger Alan Parsons Project Project. I may be dehydrated. I may still be working a little chuckle out of my system, but don't worry. When I'm done, the last thing Rick Wayne and Pumpkin are going to want to do is come to New York.

Dated Cultural References

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   Cerie:
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You guys, I am so excited, I already put on my costume. Get it? I'm an Italian senator.
   Jenna:
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Don't you love it? It's going to be awesome. And with one word, I can make it all go away.
   Toofer:
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Wait, what are you talking about?
   Jenna:
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Oh, cut the crap. You boys are just pretending to like me to get in on gay Halloween.
   Frank:
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Okay, what do you want?
   Jenna:
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I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
   Frank:
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Fine, we're cowabunga.
   Jenna:
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Good, but if I wake up in any of your apartments tomorrow morning you will buy me breakfast.
   Frank:
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Great.

Liz Heckles Pumpkin

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   Announcer:
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All right, the last pig is in the chuckling chute, and we're now the Laugh Factory! We've got a great show for y'all tonight, and we're going to get right to it with Stone Mountain's own Rick Wayne and Pumpkin!
   Liz:
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All right, you asked for it.
   Rick Wayne:
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Good evening, everyone! How y'all doing?
   Liz:
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Hey, this your first time doing this?
   Pumpkin:
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Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was Filthy, Thin-Lipped Hooker Night here at the Laugh Factory.
   Liz:
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Wow, okay, I underestimated...
   Pumpkin:
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Knock-knock.
   Rick Wayne:
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Who's there, Pumpkin?
   Pumpkin:
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A ferret-faced skank.
   Rick Wayne:
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Yep, I see her too.
   Liz:
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Get a job, hayseed!
   Pumpkin:
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Are you still talking? You are one mouthy bitch. I don't go down to where you work and stop them from milking you.
   Jack:
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I'm sorry, but that's enough, sir. You're out of line.
   Pumpkin:
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I'll tell you what's out of line. Your old lady's knockers. Good lord, woman. I wouldn't [beep] you with Elmo's [beep].
   Jack:
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Rick, pumpkin, what are you doing? A gentleman, whether he's human or, somehow, more than human, does not speak to a lady like that. You two are wholesome and decent.
   Pumpkin:
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Oh, I get it. You think because we talk like this, we're all simple and quaint? Well, I'm an amateur astronomer and Rick's black wife speaks French.
   Rick Wayne:
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Her name's Jamilla!
   Liz:
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See, I told you. There's no real America.
   Pumpkin:
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You shut that dog rectum you call a mouth!
   Liz:
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Yes, sir.
   Jack:
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Why are you people laughing at this? You're supposed to be better, nicer. But you're terrible. You're all terrible. Just like the people in New York.
   Liz:
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All God's children are terrible.
   Pumpkin:
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Terrible, huh? I got a question for you there, pal. Do you ever find smaller heads orbiting your head?
   Jack:
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Is that a comment about the size of my head? I'm a tall man. And it's proportional to my frame.
   Pumpkin:
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Your frame? What are they building there? A Super Walmart?
   Jack:
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You come down here and say that.
   Pumpkin:
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I can't. I got a man's arm stuck up me. But you know what that's like.
   Jack:
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I can't believe I bought a submarine sandwich franchise!
   Pumpkin:
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You look so much bigger up close!
   Jack:
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The deal's off, Wayne. Lemon? To the Kia Sorrento!

Rule Of Three Complete

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   Frank:
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Tray, get down here!
   Tracy:
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I can't, I don't want to die!
   Frank:
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All right!
   Tracy:
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What's wrong, Ken? That hatchet isn't real, is it?
   Kenneth:
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I wish, my meemaw just called. Pumpkin, western Georgia's most beloved ventriloquist doll, has died.
   Tracy:
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That's three! Tell my wife I went to Philadelphia on business!