The Moms    [ Season 4 | Episode: 20 ]

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Mothers Day?

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   Liz:
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Hey... Can I get your ''Lucretia Mott'' on this?
   Jack:
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Uh, what is this?
   Liz:
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Budget approval for travel and hotels for the moms.
   Jack:
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The moms? What moms?
   Liz:
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The staff moms that are going to be on the Mother's Day show that N.B.C. is making us do after their ill-fated decision to reair the pilot of Bitch Hunter.
   Shane Hunter:
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Put the mimosas down! Bitch.
   Jack:
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Wait, it's Mother's Day already?
   Liz:
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Did you forget? Colleen is going to kill you.
   Jack:
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There's still time. Jonathan. Jonathan. Call the florist and order a dozen... No.
   Colleen:
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Too late, Jackie.

Meet the Moms

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   Jack Welchsitano:
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Hey. Why isn't my beautiful Frank up on the wall?
   Frank:
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Ma, come on. That's just for the actors.
   Jack Welchsitano:
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Huh. Here's a picture you can use. It's little Frankie in the bathtub, getting ready for the senior prom.
   Liz:
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Thank you.
   Liz:
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Mom, what are you doing? You don't have to pay for the food.
   Margaret Lemon:
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Honey, nothing is free. You remember that when a man buys you an expensive meal.
   Liz:
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Yeah, that's happening a lot.
   Liz:
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Hey, Verna. Well, you must remember my mom, Margaret.
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh, yes, we met a few years ago when the girls lived in Chicago. You must have me confused with someone else. I have never been to Chicago. I sexually assaulted Scottie Pippen in 1997.
   Verna Maroney:
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There's my baby!
   Jenna:
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Oh, Mommy!

Hire an actress to play Tracy's Mom

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   Pete:
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Look, Tracy, this Mother's Day show is tomorrow and we haven't been able to track down your mom.
   Tracy:
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I gave Kenneth her information.
   Pete:
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''Her name might be Cheryl, and she was wearing a red shirt in 1984.'' Look, I don't want you to be alone up there with all the families, so... what if I hire an actress to play your mom?
   Tracy:
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Okay, but whoever she is needs to be someone as amazing as I am. I want to see a list of names. Like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate. I'm kidding. This needs to be taken seriously.

Colleen's real reason for showing up

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   Jack:
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Happy Mother's Day, Colleen.
   Colleen:
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I'm not here about Mother's Day, John Francis. You know who's in my water aerobics class down in Florida?
   Jack:
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Yes, mother. I memorized the names of everyone in your water aerobics class.
   Colleen:
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Patricia Goodband. Whose sister runs the Friday night bingo game at Our Lady of Reluctant Integration in Waltham. Turns out last week that the game was won by Anne O'Connor, who mentioned that her niece, Nancy Donovan, got divorced and was running around with a hot-shot in New York City who pours scotch like a woman.
   Jack:
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If I don't always share my personal life with you, Colleen, it's because you've never approved of any woman I've shown an interest in.
   Colleen:
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Now, that's not true.
   Jack:
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I'm not having this conversation with you right now. I have work to do, and I'll be joining you for lunch. In the meantime, Kenneth, here, will, uh... entertain you.
   Colleen:
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Okay, Kenneth. Entertain me.
   Kenneth:
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♪ Oh, the fiddle's in the creek ♪ ♪ and the frog's in the kitchen ♪
   Kenneth:
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I apologize, ma'am. That is not a song. You make me very nervous.
   Colleen:
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Oh, my God.

Adopted?

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   Danny:
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Hey, Lutz. This is my mom, Miho.
   Lutz:
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Oh, hi. I didn't know you were adopted.
   Danny:
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What?
   Miho:
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Thanks a lot, Lutz. [Speaking Chinese]

The mom's attack!

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   Jenna:
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Mom, this is Lee. He's the head of our wardrobe department.
   Verna Maroney:
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Well, hello, Lee.
   Jenna:
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Wrong tree, Mom.
   Verna Maroney:
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Got you.
   Jenna:
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So Lee is going to take care of your clothes for the show.
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh, no, no. That won't be necessary. I brought some real cute duds. I made us both rompers to wear.
   Jenna:
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Excuse me. My friend has to go strangle her Anxiety Pillow.
   Liz:
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Lee, It's the bridesmaid's dress. I can't breathe! I'm going to die in here!
   Jack Welchsitano:
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Bridesmaid? It's bad luck for a married woman to be a bridesmaid. It brings fever and disease.
   Liz:
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Yeah, well, I'm not actually married, so...
   Verna Maroney:
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Not even common-law? How do you get credit at a mattress store?
   Lutz's Mom:
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You know, my Johnny's single. And he gives excellent backrubs, I can assure you.
   Liz:
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Thank you, Mrs. Lutz. And thank you, moms, for your interest. But I just haven't met ''the one'' yet.
   Colleen:
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Oh, for crying out loud, Liz. You see, that's what feminism does. It makes smart girls with nice birthing shapes believe in fairy tales. Stop waiting for your prince, Liz.
   Liz:
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I'm not waiting for a prince. I'm waiting for Astronaut Mike Dexter.
   Jack Welchsitano:
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Oh, sweet lord in heaven.
   Liz:
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Who turns out to be the secret King of Monaco.
   Colleen:
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Liz, you're almost 40. You're not going to find some new kind of man. Whoever ''the one'' is, you've probably already met him.
   Lutz's Mom:
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You're 40? John is looking for a... greener banana.

Boob job

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   Jack:
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Hello, Verna. I'm glad to see you're here upholding your end of our bargain.
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh, yeah. I'm being a great mother. Listening, giving advice, asking stupid questions during movies. But I need you to hold up your end. That money order you sent... That was only for half.
   Jack:
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Uh, that was a down payment, Verna. You'll get the rest after you've fulfilled your Mother's Day duties.
   Verna Maroney:
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That's kind of a problem for me. 'Cause I already spent that down payment on the first half of my boob job. It's not an implant. It's just a little yank-up, you know? I mean, I got the meat, Jack. Go ahead, feel them. Feel the difference.
   Jack:
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Very different, indeed. Like a cantaloupe... and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.
   Jack:
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But you're not getting the rest of that money until you give Jenna all the Mother's Day love she deserves.
   Verna Maroney:
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Whatever. Narc.

Tracy's new mom

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   Pete:
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Good news, Tray. We found a great mom for you. Her name is Novella Nelson.
   Tracy:
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Novella Nelson? Oh, wait. Is she Aquaman's girlfriend?
   Pete:
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No, she's a great actress who lives in Brooklyn. She looks like you.
   Tracy:
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That could be anyone! We all look the same to me. Is she famous?
   Pete:
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You'd probably know her best from a commercial they air a lot during the 3:30 A.M. SportsCenter.
   Novella Nelson:
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Ugh, these overalls are chafing. I can't wear these pajamas fishing.
   Announcer:
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Pajamaralls. Pajamar-always.
   Tracy:
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What about the list I gave you? Phylicia Rashad, Serena Williams...
   Pete:
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They're too recognizable, Tracy. And Serena Williams is younger than you.
   Tracy:
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Who cares? She's awesome, and so am I. I want Serena Williams to be my mother.
   Pete:
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We've already booked Novella. The woman has been in the business for 40 years. I think she's good enough for the star of Sherlock Homie.

A mother knows everything!

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   Jack:
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I know what you're thinking, Mother. And we are not talking about Nancy Donovan.
   Colleen:
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I don't want to talk about Nancy Donovan. I want to talk about the little, blonde girl that you are sleeping with.
   Jack:
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What?
   Colleen:
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A mother knows, Jackie.
   Avery:
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Oh, hi.
   Avery:
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Are you going up?
   Jack:
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Down, actually.
   Avery:
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Oh, I forgot my phone.
   Colleen:
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Two women, Jack? At the same time? What are you, Italian?
   Jack:
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I didn't choose for it to happen like this.
   Colleen:
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Be a man and pick one.
   Jack:
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I can't. They both give me different things. One connects me to the man I was. The other inspires...
   Colleen:
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Just listen to yourself, Jack.
   Jack:
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I know it's gay. But it's my gay problem. And I'm handling it.
   Jack:
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We're ready to order now.
   Colleen:
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Just bring my son one of everything. That way, he doesn't have to choose. hahaha

Jenna and Verna fight

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   Verna Maroney:
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Hey! Um, why was I given this to wear on the show?
   Jenna:
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Well, I loved your idea that we both wear the same outfit. I just thought this one might be more T.V. friendly.
   Verna Maroney:
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You mean, instead of the rompers that your mother slaved over.
   Jenna:
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Mom, this isn't Florida.
   Verna Maroney:
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You're damn right it isn't. In Florida, everybody is always asking me, ''Where did you get that? You made it? Holy crap! Where do I commission one?''
   Jenna:
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Oh, this is about you making money selling junk.
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh...
   Jenna:
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Verna, this is my job. And I know you don't understand that, 'cause you haven't had a job in 15 years.
   Verna Maroney:
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Because of my back. Because of the trampoline accident.
   Jenna:
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But I need to look a certain way on T.V.
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh, you are nothing but a spoiled brat. You know what? Here's what I think of you and your fancy clothes. That is quality stitching. Damn the tiny, brown hands that made this.

Margaret could've married Buzz

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   Liz:
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Oh, there you are.
   Margaret Lemon:
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Just thought I'd tidy up.
   Liz:
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That's my computer.
   Margaret Lemon:
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Oh, no, dear. A computer is a great, big thing with a green screen.
   Liz:
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Mom? Do you think it's weird that I'm still single?
   Margaret Lemon:
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Well, your standards are very high, as they should be. I remember someone who got a three on her history A.P. test.
   Liz:
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But do I expect too much? Maybe the moms were right. Maybe I should have just settled.
   Margaret Lemon:
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I can't tell you what to do, Liz. But I know from experience that that guy, that perfect guy, is out there. Because I know I found mine.
   Liz:
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See, that's all I want. What you and Dad have.
   Margaret Lemon:
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Oh, I'm not talking about your father.
   Liz:
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Whuck? What do you mean, you're not talking about Dad? You love Dad.
   Margaret Lemon:
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Of course I do. But Dick Lemon isn't Ed.
   Liz:
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Ed? Who's Ed?
   Margaret Lemon:
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Ed was my true love, sweetheart. He was my steady at Montclair High. The night before he was shipped off to Korea, I repeatedly lost my virginity to him, while Waldo, the town perv, watched from the bushes.
   Liz:
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Wait... What?
   Margaret Lemon:
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Nothing, Younger Me. It's fine. He wanted to get married. But when he was invited to Houston for his astronaut training...
   Liz:
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He was an astronaut? You could have been an astronaut's wife?
   Margaret Lemon:
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It wasn't that simple, Liz. I had just graduated from secretary school, and I got a job at Sterling Cooper. I couldn't just pick up and move. I was already 26. An old maid.
   Liz:
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Different times... Octomom.
   Margaret Lemon:
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So I settled. For a wonderful man. And I have never regretted it. Not even when I watched Ed Aldrin walk on the moon.
   Liz:
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Wait... Your Ed is Buzz Aldrin?
   Margaret Lemon:
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Yeah, but I always called him Ed. Because our town had, like, five Buzzes.
   Liz:
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You could have married Buzz Aldrin? You should regret that, Mom. You should have followed him. Laura Linney could have played you in the H.B.O. original movie Moon Wives!

Verna tries to leave

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   Jack:
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Where are you going, Verna?
   Verna Maroney:
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Oh, I quit. I've been working my ass off pretending to be a good mom. But Jenna doesn't appreciate it.
   Jack:
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I see. Well, then, good luck paying for that other implant.
   Verna Maroney:
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It's not an implant, Jack. I mean, I got the meat.
   Jack:
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Of course. I apologize. Verna, you have a very simple decision to make. Quit, don't get paid, and drive around with one headlight out, or swallow your pride and get the money you need tomorrow.

Tracy meets his new mom

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   Novella Nelson:
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They said they were going to put a wig on me or something. So that, uh, nobody would recognize me as the Pajamarall lady.
   Tracy:
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Like anyone would recognize you, anyway.
   Novella Nelson:
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I'm sorry, what did you say?
   Tracy:
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You are way beneath me, Novella. I am a movie star, a television actor, and a Guinness Book of World Records holder for most car accidents in a single year.
   Novella Nelson:
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Maybe you wanted someone more high profile. But I am what you've got. So, Tracy, you'd better watch yourself, or you may wind up with no mother at all.
   Tracy:
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Fine, I'd rather be up on that stage all alone than to be with someone whose resume has ''Black Judge'' on it nine times!
   Novella Nelson:
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And you think I wanted a fake son who recorded an anti-condom P.S.A.?
   Tracy:
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I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!
   Novella Nelson:
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You little ingrate.

Avery meets Colleen

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   Avery:
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All right, start with taxes, then insurance. Change this to Latin America. I can't say Nicaragua. Ah!
   Colleen:
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You must be Avery.
   Avery:
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Yes.
   Kenneth:
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I am so sorry, Miss Jessup. Mr.s Donaghy keeps tricking me and running away. But not anymore.
   Colleen:
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Carl? They need you out in the hall.
   Kenneth:
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Yes, ma'am.
   Avery:
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Mrs. Donaghy. You must be Jack's mother?
   Colleen:
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Indeed, I am. And Jack has told me so much about you. You're going to have to work your backside. Because chest-wise, you have the measurements of an altar boy.
   Avery:
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I wish Jack had told me you were in town.
   Colleen:
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Well, men have their little secrets, don't they? Especially Jack.
   Avery:
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Secrets?
   Colleen:
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What I'm trying to say is if you're serious about Jackie, let him know now. A man like Jack has other irons in the fire.
   Avery:
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I beg your pardon?
   Colleen:
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Oh, look at the time. I've got to get back to, uh... calling Kenneth ''Carl'' to see if he ever corrects me. Carl!
   Kenneth:
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Yes, ma'am?

Jack sets Liz up with Buzz

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   Jack:
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Lemon, have you seen Colleen? Kenneth was supposed to be watching her, but I just saw him with his eyes closed, counting to infinity.
   Liz:
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You want to talk about moms, Jack? Listen to this. My mother could have married Buzz Aldrin.
   Jack:
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Oh, really? I know Buzz. We met at a photo shoot for Vanity Fair's annual ''Awesome Gentlemen'' issue.
   Liz:
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My mom blew it, Jack. She had true love and she threw it away. Just because it was inconvenient.
   Jack:
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Lemon, if your mom had ended up with Buzz, you would have never been born.
   Liz:
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Or I would have been born Peter Aldrin. And I'd wait for a woman with the right stuff. Now, remember, in this scenario, I am a man, and my father is an astronaut.
   Jack:
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Well, Lemon, if you'd like to see what your mom's life would have been, I can arrange for you to meet Buzz.
   Liz:
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Are you serious?
   Jack:
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He's in town. I saw him last night at Rupert Murdoch's Twister party. I mean, uh, regular party.

The mom's aren't that bad

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   Jenna:
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Tracy... This Mother's Day thing is a disaster.
   Tracy:
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I hear you. Because you're talking in the ear that I didn't lose a button in.
   Jenna:
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I thought Verna and I had made this breakthrough. But now, we're just back to fighting about money and clothes. Thank God Terry's dead, or we'd be fighting over him again too.
   Tracy:
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Boy, I thought I had it bad with my fake mom.
   Jenna:
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Are you kidding? At least your fake mom has to act like she cares about you.
   Tracy:
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Yeah, that's true. And she is a good actress. I bought those Pajamaralls.
   Jenna:
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And you got to choose her.
   Tracy:
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No, Jenna. No one gets to choose their mom. Even when they're fake. For good or bad, we're stuck with them. And you know what? They don't get to choose who we are, either. And God knows we're not perfect.
   Jenna:
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It's true. Sometimes, I sing too beautifully.

Avery confronts Jack

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   Jack:
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What a nice surpr...
   Avery:
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Is there another woman?
   Jack:
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What? How did you...
   Jack:
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Colleen.
   Avery:
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Don't blame your mother, Jack. This is about us.
   Jack:
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Oh, my God. Look, Avery, you know how I feel. So I'm going to skip the part where I deny anything. Then you skip the part where you yell at me. And then we both move on to the, uh, make-up sex.
   Avery:
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Wow, that is a swing. Look, I assumed you and I were exclusive. But we never talked about it. So maybe this is partly my fault.
   Jack:
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And I forgive you. Come here. I'm sorry, but these tactics have worked on stupider women.
   Avery:
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If we're going to move forward, you better figure out what it is you want. Soon.

Liz meets Buzz Aldrin

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   Liz:
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Excuse me, Dr. Aldrin. I'm sorry, there wasn't a door, so I just...
   Buzz Aldrin:
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I don't believe in barriers, because I always break them. You must be Liz.
   Liz:
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Yes, sir. I actually came about my mother. Margaret Lemon? Well, you would have known her as Margaret Freeman?
   Buzz Aldrin:
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Maggie Freeman? Of course I remember her.
   Liz:
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Well, I'm sorry to bother you, but I can't help but wonder what my mom lost by giving up on you. Her perfect man.
   Buzz Aldrin:
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Perfect? Sure, I'm a famous astronaut, decorated fighter pilot, doctorate from M.I.T. But even I sometimes... I see you. I see what you're doing. Return to the night. You have no business here.
   Liz:
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Are you yelling at the moon?
   Buzz Aldrin:
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I'm sorry, She and I just... I get mad sometimes.
   Liz:
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Sure.
   Buzz Aldrin:
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Look, you want to know what your mother missed? Years of drinking, depression, cheating. I flipped over a Saab in the San Fernando Valley. I once woke up in the Air and Space Museum with a revolver in the waistband of my jean shorts.
   Liz:
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Oh, my God. But you're...
   Buzz Aldrin:
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A human being. But I'm at peace now. Sober almost 32 years. But I would have put Maggie Freeman through hell.
   Liz:
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The moms were right. There's no such thing as Astronaut Mike Dexter. What am I doing?
   Buzz Aldrin:
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I'm sorry if I've disappointed you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?
   Liz:
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Yes, please.
   Buzz Aldrin:
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I own you!
   Liz:
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You dumb moon!
   Buzz Aldrin:
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I walked on your face!
   Liz:
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Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

Jenna and Verna make up

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   Verna Maroney:
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Well, I'm ready for the show.
   Jenna:
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Mom, you're wearing my outfit.
   Verna Maroney:
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Well, a mother makes sacrifices. Like those 16 hours I spent in labor even though it was Margarita Monday at Dockside Joe's.
   Jenna:
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Daughters make sacrifices too.
   Verna Maroney:
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Wait, why are you wearing that? Who's paying you?
   Jenna:
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No one. I'm wearing it for the same reason you're wearing mine. Because I love you.
   Verna Maroney:
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I love you too, baby girl.
   Jenna:
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Why does your chest feel weird?
   Verna Maroney:
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Uh... Because I love you so much.
   Choir:
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♪ Sincerely ♪ ♪ Oh, yes, sincerely ♪ ♪ 'Cause I love you so dearly ♪

Make up with the moms time

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   Tracy:
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You look beautiful... Mom.
   Novella Nelson:
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Thank you... Son.
   Tracy:
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I think I'm ready for the sex talk.
   Choir:
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♪ Sincerely ♪ ♪ Oh, you know how I love you ♪
   Liz:
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Mom? You were right to settle. I'm glad you married Dad.
   Margaret Lemon:
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So am I, dear. Now would you please find yourself someone and start a family before my hereditary dementia sets in?
   Liz:
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Wait, what?
   Choir:
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♪ Please say you'll be mine ♪
   Jack:
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You... What is wrong with you? I am 51 years old. Do you not think I can take care of my own personal life?
   Colleen:
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Think? I know you can't. You do a lot of things well. Make money, choose wine, wear ties... But you and women? Disaster. Divorce, broken engagements, I assume herpes...
   Jack:
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And I wonder why I'm like that. Maybe it's because you can't let go of your precious Jackie, so you undermine me at every turn.
   Colleen:
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I'm not going to be around forever.
   Jack:
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Don't pull that out, Colleen.
   Colleen:
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And if I don't do something, you will never make a decision. You'll just frou-frou around with Nancy and Avery until they're both gone. And then, where will I be? I'll be circling the globe in my coffin rocket. Something I saw on T.V. It's very expensive. I'm done disapproving, Jackie. I'm just trying to help. I need to know that someone is looking out for my little boy.
   Jack:
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All right, Colleen. Then, I'm asking you, for the first time in my life... Tell me what to do.
   Colleen:
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And I'm going to tell you, for the first time in my life... I can't!
   Kenneth:
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I did not lose her, sir. Carl would never let you down. Carl... that does not sound right. Kevin? No. Who am I? Is it Keith? No, that's not... Yes, I'm Keith.

Ending Song

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   Tracy:
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That's our show! Thanks for watching!
   Jenna:
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But before you go to bed, our moms are going to tuck you in with a special song.
   Margaret Lemon:
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♪ Don't go to sleep with a frown in your pocket ♪
   Verna Maroney:
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♪ Take it to the yard and tie it to a rocket ♪
   Jack Welchsitano:
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♪ Shoot it to the moon, you'll feel better soon ♪
   Colleen:
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♪ Don't go to bed with a frown ♪
   Everyone:
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♪ Don't go to bed with a frown ♪
   Tracy:
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Goodnight! Stay tuned for a special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter!