100    [ Season 5 | Episode: 20 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Cancelled

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   Liz:
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This better be important, Jack. I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay.
   Jack:
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Lemon, Hank Hooper is on his way up from Philadelphia and he wants to meet with both of us.
   Liz:
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Why does he want to meet me? Do you think it's a good thing?
   Hank Hooper:
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It's not, hon. I saw that in a movie once, but in the movie the guy was dead. Nice tie, Jack!
   Jack:
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How long have you been there? I was sitting in that chair a minute ago?
   Hank Hooper:
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No. That was me. What can I say? I smell like leather. And you must be Elizabeth Lemon.
   Liz:
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Oh.
   Hank Hooper:
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Well I'll be Bake McBride'd. I know a Philly gal when I hug one. Now Elizabeth, I like to look someone in the eye and smile when I say that what you're doing in bad. It's just horrible. Without Tracy, your show is like my cholesterol. The numbers are killing me! So I'm going to cancel TGS.
   Jack:
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Uh Hank, as you know tonight is TGS' 100th episode, and we've been getting some good media buzz. We got on Wikipedia this week.
   Hank Hooper:
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So you did 99 shows against all odds and reason. That's something. Now it's time to rest.
   Liz:
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Really? You want to cancel the only show on your network starring a 42 year old woman? A show that is number one in its time slot among men 18-49 months... left in prison. I thought this company was a family but I guess it's that Austrian family and I am the girl in the basement and you are the dad who has been brutally-
   Jack:
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Thank you, Lemon! What Liz is neglecting to tell you is that Tracy Jordan is back.
   Hank Hooper:
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Oh! Well that's something.
   Jack:
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And I would consider it a personal favor if you would let them do the 100th episode and then re-evaluate the show with Tracy in it.
   Hank Hooper:
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All right. You get one more shot. Just like the Army doctors said to me after my weekend in Okinawa! [laughs]
   Hank Hooper:
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You know Jack, I'm amazed at how much you will stick your neck out for your people. It's not wonder you're here with us at Kabletown instead of running GE. They're mean. Jack Welsh once smacked a pretzel out of my hand at the Superbowl. [leaves]
   Jack:
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Is Tracy back? I'd hate to think I just lied to Hank.
   Liz:
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Jeez! I'll get it done. You know I'll do whatever it takes. "Lemon Style."
   Liz:
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Everybody dance now! [opens her shirt] Baw, baw, baw...
   Liz:
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But you're going to get me another sandwich, or I'm going to cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin.
   Carol:
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I will WASTE you!
   Liz:
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You'll have to go through this old bastard first!
   Liz:
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And I don't really think that it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.
   Jack:
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What is the hold up with Tracy. I thought you found him.
   Liz:
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I did find him but he's still crazy. He thinks he can't be funny anymore because now he's a big Oscar winner people respect him too much. He told me he feels like a Bartrum Scrub-Hairstreak trying to crawl back into its silky cocoon. Which is a butterfly metaphor, by the way, and not, as I first thought, a list of African American hair products.
   Jack:
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Well you just need to turn the beautiful butterfly back into a drunk, incompetent caterpillar.
   Liz:
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And I have a plan. I booked him on every morning show in New York. Tracy will destroy all his goodwill in time for rehearsal. I've been prepping him all week.
   Liz:
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So, Tracy Jordan, my wife Joy and I were in Moralogo-
   Tracy:
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Jesus was black!
   Jack:
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Just get him back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.
   Liz:
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Really? Is it from that pie place?
   Jack:
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And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.
   Liz:
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Oh. Okay. Fine. But just to be clear-
   Jack:
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There is no pie!
   Liz:
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Kay.

The Seed

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   Danny:
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Who wears a swimsuit to Denny's? That's her!
   Jenna:
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That's me!
   Voice Over:
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That's Pam! The Overly Confident Morbidly Obese Woman.
   Jenna:
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I can't sit in a booth!
   Pete:
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And cut! Congratulations, everyone. In 100 shows we've done Pam 107 times.
   Jenna:
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Can you believe it's been five years since we first started doing this?
   Danny:
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Um, that wasn't me. There used to be another guy.
   Jenna:
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I don't think so.
   Kenneth:
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Happy 100th show, Miss Maroney.
   Jenna:
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Danny and I were just talking about what an amazing five years we've had!
   Jenna:
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I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!
   Jenna:
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Give me back my man, bitch!
   Danny:
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Can you reminisce about something that's happened since I've been here? Cause I couldn't see any of that.
   Kenneth:
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I'll never forget what you said to me after that first show, Miss Maroney.
   Kenneth:
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Terrific show, ma'am. If I know anything about television, The Girlie Show is a hit!
   Jenna:
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Oh please. If this turkey goes 100 episodes I'll have your baby.
   Jenna:
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I said that? I was so young!
   Danny:
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Wait! I saw that! How? Am I dead?
   Kenneth:
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Well, it's been 100 episodes. I better lay you across my grandmother's lap in the mating shed!
   Danny:
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But seriously, imagine if Jenna really was a mother.
   Jenna:
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It would be horrible! The only thing I want latched to my fun bags are celebrity DJs.
   Kenneth:
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I don't know, Miss Maroney, I think you'd make a wonderful parent. You could sing the baby to sleep and tell it fairy tales and act out all the witch parts!
   Jenna:
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Are you serious? Och, you albino goon.
   Kenneth:
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I wish. Albinos get to be "watchers" in the mating shed.
   Danny:
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I can't even imagine you pregnant. A picture of you in US Weekly next to Natalie Portman in the same maternity outfit. "Who Wore It Best?"
   Jenna:
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I did. I wore it best. A baby gets you attention.

Pep Talk

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   Liz:
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Kay listen up, friends. It's pep talk time. I'm not going to sugar coat anything here. If we don't get Tracy back and do the best show that we've ever done, we're cancelled.
   Frank:
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So we're counting on Tracy? Forget it. [Frank takes off hat, revealing smaller "I Give Up" hat]
   Liz:
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Frank, put that bigger hat back on.
   Liz:
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Look, we've been though bad times before.
   Jack:
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Ride it straight to hell!
   Tracy:
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Here come the roofies.
   Liz:
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Where's my mac and cheese?!
   Liz:
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And we've had some good times.
   Lutz:
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Who wants- [trips and falls] -my puddings!
   Liz:
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And I know what you are all capable of. This is your moment. Tonight TGS will not be the worst thing on television! It'll be John Stossel. Who's with me?
   Jenna:
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Yeah!

Gas Leak!

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   Pete:
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Jack, we have a problem. There's a gas leak in the studio.
   Jack:
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Do you know what I find fascinating?
   Tom:
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Mystery novels written by janitors?
   Jack:
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How everyone who comes through my door seems to want to talk about TGS as if it's also the only thing in MY life. Now, I may not be the head of GE, but that doesn't mean that I'm not a very busy man.
   Pete:
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I've got other things going on too, you know. See? I've got a new hair. It's white and it hurts, but-
   Jack:
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How bad is this leak.
   Tom:
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It's pretty bad. Prolonged exposure could lead to incapacitation or even death. Other possible side effects include hallucination, revelation of secrets, telling of truths, flashbacks, headaches, nostalgia. Can you believe this is happening to me on my last day of work? My last day. I don't know if there was a party planned-
   Jack:
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Evacuate the sixth floor. I don't care if anyone dies. I refuse to have long gas-induced conversations with any of you people.
   Pete:
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Boy, you know over the last five years we've had a lot of crazy of characters and guest stars drop by TGS-
   Jack:
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Thank you, Pete!
   Tom:
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Thank you, Pete.

Gas Effect

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   Liz:
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I can't believe it's been 100 shows. More like 100 little strokes! You know The Girlie Show was working just fine and then Jack came along and forced me to hire Tracy and now look at us. Life was so much simpler back then. I had a boyfriend, Dennis. Sure he was an idiot, but he made great chili and he didn't care if I watched TV during sex.
   Liz:
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Yeah! Maybe I was better off then.
   Pete:
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Liz, we have to evacuate the floor, there's a gas leak.
   Liz:
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What? What about the show?
   Kenneth:
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Everyone! Evacuate immediately! This is not a drill. The gas has not affected me yet so I can lead you to safety. Just follow these... Troll penises! Oh God, what have I done!

Rachel Ray

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   Rachael Ray:
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He is an Oscar winner for his role as D'Jeffrey "Lucky" Seeda in the movie Hard to Watch. Please welcome Tracy Jordan.
   Rachael Ray:
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Tracy! Tracy! Tracy?
   Tracy:
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Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich.
   Rachael Ray:
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He's awesome! You are still in character as the verbally abusive D'Jeffrey. I mean, he's become such a part of him.

Regis & Kelly

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   Regis Philbin:
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So, Tracy Jordan.
   Kelly Ripa:
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You asked to come on our show because you had a revelation about your post-Oscar trip to Africa.
   Tracy:
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I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
   Kelly Ripa:
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I love your honesty.

Today Show

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   Matt Lauer:
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It's because you didn't feel like your authentic self that you walked away from success. That's actually very brave, don't you think?
   Tracy:
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No! It's un-brave! You should hate me!
   Matt Lauer:
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I can't. You fly free. I'm a bird in a cage. Hey, you gotta stay around, we've got our no-cook cooking hair make-unders.
   Tracy:
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What does that even mean!?
   Matt Lauer:
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It's new haircuts, but you can make salads with them.
   Matt Lauer:
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A true artist. He feels things we don't. This is Today on NBC.

Downhill

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   Liz:
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No. We can't do another Pam. Not tonight. Frank, what is this? "Broken Eyboard Ock Show?"
   Frank:
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I write what I know. Also, I broke my keyboard.
   Liz:
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No. We're throwing everything out and starting over. Only home runs, guys. Focus up!
   Lutz:
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It's just hard to concentrate. It's so nice working outside.
   Liz:
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Tracy, how'd it go? Are you on your way back?
   Tracy:
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It was a disaster!
   Liz:
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What happened? What about our plan?
   Tracy:
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I'm so beloved I could do no wrong! Now everyone's after me! UNICEF, The Gates Foundation, and what is Farm Aid? Is it a drink? Is it a drug? Is it a bandage you put on a barn? See that's the kind of lazy stand up I'll never do again.
   Liz:
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Tracy just come back, do the show tonight, and we'll figure all this out.
   Tracy:
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F.U.L.L. spells "full," because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon.
   Liz:
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Listen to me. There's still time. The media won't let you embarrass yourself, be like Michael McDonald and take it to the streets. Get the public to hate you and the media will follow, and then you'll get your old life back. Trust me.
   Tracy:
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You better be right, Liz Lemon, because I can't take much more of this. I think Bono got in my limo.

The Seed Grows

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   Jenna:
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Liz, do you think I'd be a good mother?
   Liz:
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No! And I wasn't even drinking anything.
   Jenna:
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I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to have this real desire to nurture... my career. I think pregnancy would be a great P.R. move.
   Liz:
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Oh my God you want a baby to help your career?
   Jenna:
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Look, TGS may be going away. Being pregnant is a great excuse for why I stopped working instead of the truth: I'm in my 40s, very difficult, and not that good at playing "la réalité."
   Liz:
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Jenna, think about this. You will have a child.
   Jenna:
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Who will grow up to be a little gay fancy man.
   Liz:
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Well good luck finding a man willing to ride that crazy train.
   Jenna:
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I'll have you know I talked with a man this morning who thinks I'd make a wonderful mother.
   Liz:
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He must be an idiot.
   Jenna:
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He is an idiot.
   Bum:
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How about a sketch about how the Empire State Building is controlling us with electricity.
   Liz:
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C'mon. Get out of here.

Sideways Jack

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   Tom:
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Just maybe one more turn then I can go home to my sweetheart. Told her boy I'd hit a home run for him tomorrow night. Dammit! I'm getting too hold for this "shhhhh" sound that comes from this gas pipe.
   Jack:
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Who are you? You're so handsome.
   Sideways Jack:
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I'm Jack Donaghy. CEO of General Electric. The question is who are you?
   Jack:
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I'M Jack Donaghy.
   Sideways Jack:
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You WERE Jack Donaghy. You WERE magnificent.
   Jack:
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I'm still magnificent.
   Sideways Jack:
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No. I come from an alternate universe in which I followed our plan for world domination. I run the General, I own an NFL team, I guest starred on Entourage. What do you do?
   Jack:
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I'll tell you what I don't do: wear a striped tie with a striped shirt.
   Sideways Jack:
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It's called "power clashing" and I do it because I can. I wore this on the January cover of Meetings Magazine.
   Jack:
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We made the cover during Meetings History Month?
   Sideways Jack:
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*I* made the cover. What happened to you, Jack? You were supposed to spend six months in TV as part of your climb up the GE ladder. You've been here five years. And here [laughs] it isn't even GE anymore. It's Kableclown.
   Jack:
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"Town," Donaghy, and that's not funny.
   Sideways Jack:
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It was funny when I said it on my syndicated radio show.
   Jack:
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You bastard! I'm doing fine!
   Sideways Jack:
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You used to be a shark!
   Jack:
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I still am! Look at my claws!
   Sideways Jack:
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Sharks don't have claws. You don't even know what a shark is anymore!
   Jack:
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Oh God!
   Sideways Jack:
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And do you know why?
   Jack:
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No.
   Sideways Jack:
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Liz. Lemon.
   Jack:
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Lemon?
   Sideways Jack:
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She became your focus at the expense of your own ambition. You should have realized WITHIN A WEEK that she was black hole unworthy of our mentorship. And now it's five years later and what are you doing? Are you building factories in Bangalore? Are you dining in the Palin White House? No.
   Jack:
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No!
   Sideways Jack:
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You're approving TGS rap gifts. Baseball caps with stupid sayings from the show written on them. [holds up hat] What the hell is a "PWOMP"?
   Jack:
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It's when two fat people-
   Sideways Jack:
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I don't care! What's happened to you? To us? We make me sick.
   Tom:
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Mr. Donaghy?
   Sideways Jack:
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What?!
   Jack:
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Yes, Tom?
   Tom:
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The gas leak has spread to this floor. You gotta clear out before you start seeing things.
   Jack:
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Thank you, Tom.
   Sideways Jack:
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I'll clear YOU out!
   Tom:
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Ah, okay.
   Sideways Jack:
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The real Jack Donaghy could handle a little gas leak!

Failure to Fail

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   Tracy:
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I am a Jedi!
   Brooklyn Idiot:
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Hey look, Tracy Jordan is ironically re-appropriating his bad past behaviour as a commentary on Fitzgerald's dictum that there are no second acts in American life. I'm going to take a picture of him with my old-fashioned camera-
   Tracy:
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No! No!
   Cyclist:
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Oh! I can't swim!
   Tracy:
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Dammit!
   Cyclist:
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He just pulled me out of the water and said "don't tell anyone I did this." I didn't even get a chance to congratulate him on his Oscar.
   Jordan Baker:
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Modesty and heroism. Two words forever synonymous with Tracy Jordan.
   Liz:
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"Tracy Jordan saves drowning man?" Oh come on!
   Frank:
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Why is Tracy off rescuing people? Why isn't he here?
   Liz:
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He will be, I promise. And we need to be ready. Lutz, what are you working on?
   Lutz:
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Breathing through my mouth so I don't smell the throw up on my shirt. I would take my shirt off but I visited my rescued chimp for his birthday last week and another chimp got mad and bit my nipple off. He played with it and then he kissed it and then he ate it.
   Liz:
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Dammit, Lutz, focus up! Where is my computer? Cerie, did you not bring my computer down?
   Cerie:
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You said you were writing. I've only seen you use that computer to look at pictures of Nate Berkus.
   Liz:
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Ahhhh! Pwomp!

Jack Gets Mean

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   Liz:
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Hey, Jack, you're friends with Jeter and Springsteen, right? Can you call and see if they'll be in the cold open? They'd have to kiss?
   Jack:
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Oh really, Lemon? You still need my help? Five years of my business life wasted, and I'm still supposed to hold your hand. Your wet and somehow still flaky hand.
   Liz:
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What just happened?
   Jack:
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YOU happened. Sideways Jack was right. In here!
   Liz:
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Did you also have to evacuate the NBC Store?
   Jack:
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No, it's just empty. This TV nonsense was supposed to be my stepping stone and instead it's my gravestone. And do you know whose fault that is?
   Liz:
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Sorta feel like you're going to say... Leno?
   Jack:
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You. I got so sucked into trying to repair you that I became the American auto industry failing to recognize that you can't fix a lemon.
   Liz:
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Wow. Yeah, because the last five years have been so great for me with you as my mentor. I was better off before we met.
   Jack:
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So what's your point, Lemon? You'd rather be doing The Girlie Show and going home to Dennis?
   Liz:
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I didn't say that. But at least Dennis was always there for me, he's the only guy I can say that about. I dragged YOU down? Opposite!
   Jack:
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I should have gone with my gut and fired you when we first met.
   Liz:
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What?? Flashback, please.
   Jack:
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Uh, Pete hang back.
   Pete:
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Yeah, you bet.
   Jack:
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We have a problem.
   Pete:
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I can explain. My zipper broke.
   Jack:
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I don't think Liz Lemon's female voice is a good match for Tracy Jordan. Firing Lemon will send a message to the whole staff.
   Pete:
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No, no, you can't fire Liz. She hasn't got much going on. She threw a birthday party for her TV. If you fire Liz, then... then I quit.
   Jack:
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You'll never succeed by sticking your neck out for someone like her, but if that's how you feel, so be it. The important thing is that I fire someone... Pete.
   Liz:
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You tried to fire me, and then a week later you're like "oh, I want to mentor you. Unlikely friendship." Who do you think you are?
   Jack:
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I'll tell you who I was: that guy that fired Pete and he could have run GE but instead he got Lemoned.
   Liz:
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I should have fired you. From my life.
   Jack:
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I knew you were supposed to push but I didn't say anything.
   Liz:
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Och.

Jenna's Unswayed

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   Jenna:
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Mmm. The MSG is delicious today.
   Paul:
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I'm so glad that you were able to meet me at my break. Is this just to talk or will you be activating my electric underwear?
   Jenna:
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Just to talk. Paul, do you think I'd be a good mother?
   Paul:
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Of course not! And I'd be a terrible father. I mean, what if we had a child that was prettier than us? We'd have to leave it in a desert.
   Jenna:
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But Kenneth thinks I'd made a good mother.
   Paul:
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Oh. Is that something you want?
   Jenna:
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It wasn't something I thought about until Kenneth said I'd be good at it. And of course it'd be great for my career. Everyone would talk about my crazy name choice. Right now it's between Frisbee Face and Glock Gender Irrelevant.
   Paul:
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I love you, Jenna Maroney. I want to hog tie you and hide you in the luggage compartment of a Greyhound bus with just a bowl of dirty water.
   Jenna:
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I love you too.
   Paul:
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But I don't know, I mean Kenneth Parcell may be the only man in the world who thinks you should have a child.
   Manager:
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Break's over, Paul. Crew meeting in Lady Chantarelle's office. He's pissed.

Dennis

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   Dennis:
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Hey, Dummy!
   Liz:
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Ah! What?
   Dennis:
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Whoa. You look good. You lose weight or something? Your neck, it looks looser.
   Liz:
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What are you doing here, Dennis?
   Dennis:
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I got your message.
   Liz:
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What message?
   Liz:
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[message] Dennis, it's Dummy. I miss you. Come see me.
   Liz:
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[flashback] [one hour earlier] Things were better five years ago, Jack. I was in my thirties and everything.
   Dennis:
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[flashback] [message] Whazaaaaap? You've reached Dennis' voicemail. How YOU doin? Get out of here, Joey. I'm recording my voicemail message.
   Liz:
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[flashback] [laughs] Is that real?
   Liz:
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Okay, I did call you but I was not in my right mind. I mean how could I be to call you after everything you've done?
   Chris Hanson:
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Good evening, sir, I'm Chris Hanson with Dateline NBC. Can I ask you what you're doing here tonight?
   Dennis:
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Yeah I'm here to boff some chick named Mary.
   Dennis:
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Hey. Threesome? How about it, huh?
   Dennis:
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It's Tanya, right? It's wonderful service.
   Liz:
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Could you maybe not hit on the waitress I-
   Dennis:
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Jewish Screw. Run, dummy! [runs out]
   Liz:
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Dammit! Dennis! I checked a coat!
   Dennis:
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You called me, Liz.
   Liz:
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Oh, whatever.
   Dennis:
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Cuz down deep, you still got all kinds of queer feeling for me. That's why I knew some day you'd be all vulnerable from a gas leak or a coma or a super period.
   Liz:
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You're disgusting.
   Dennis:
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And I would be there for you.
   Liz:
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No. You know what I feel? You were a mistake that I made at a time in my life when I could afford to make mistakes. That's what I miss, Dennis, not you.
   Pete:
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Okay gang, they fixed the gas leak. They're airing out the studio. We can start heading back up.
   Dennis:
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Hold on a second. You think I'm just going to give up now, huh? I'm a Duffy, Liz. And us Duffy's, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn't give up when America sent us back, and we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right? C'mon, it's not over Liz.

Gas Chaos

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   Kenneth:
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What a day! Miss Lemon's going to get Mr. Jordan back, we're going to do the best show ever, and out on the plaza a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was going to eat it but he just sat there! What's next? A different bird landing on a different apple?
   Liz:
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Where are you, Trey?
   Tracy:
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I'm back, Liz Lemon.
   Liz:
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Tracy's back!
   Frank:
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Yes!
   Liz:
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I'm going to need an Obama cold open, a Fart Doctor, and you know what, write up that bum's Empire State Building idea.
   Frank:
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Fart Doctor!
   Tracy:
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No! I mean I'm back to where I was yesterday. I can't get anyone mad at me. I even called the woman's basketball team "nappy headed hos," but apparently I'm allowed to talk like that. Why!?
   Liz:
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Tracy, come on-
   Hank Hooper:
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Tracy Jordan? Why isn't he here?
   Hank Hooper:
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I just had a meeting with News down on four. Brian Williams sure gets close to you when he talks. Very feminine energy. Anyway I thought I'd just swing by and introduce myself to Tracy Jordan but-
   Liz:
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Ah! He is here, you know, he just likes to learn his lines in the bathroom and communicate by phone. Actors, am I right?
   Hank Hooper:
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You know I once had to speak to the Screen Actor's Guild. Bunch of nut jobs, but you couldn't make movies and TV without them. [laughs]
   Hank Hooper:
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I'm just kidding! I mean, look at March of the Penguins. Who was in that? Good luck tonight. You're going to need it.
   Liz:
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Tracy, you can do this. You have to be at the show tonight.
   Tracy:
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Tracy who? I don't even know who I am anymore.
   Liz:
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Look, you think the world has turned its back on you? I know a place where that's not true. A place where you can remember the man you used to be! A place where you can eat buffet ribs while someone's daughter shakes her crack at you! Tracy Jordan, I am taking you to a strip cub.

The Strip Club

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   Liz:
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Oh, excuse me, miss. How much is a lap dance? I'm a little light on cash but I have a PayPal account.
   Stripper:
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Oh my God! Tracy Jordan?
   Liz:
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That's right. Party time!
   Stripper:
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When I saw you in Hard to Watch-
   Liz:
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Noo, keep it light.
   Stripper:
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-you inspired me to contact my biological father-
   Liz:
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No daddy stuff.
   Stripper:
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-I hadn't spoken to him in thirteen years.
   Liz:
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Maybe show him your butt.
   Tracy:
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There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
   Tracy:
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I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
   Stripper:
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I just wanted to let you know that I'm going into the Navy, because like you said in your movie "I invent my tomorrow."
   Tracy:
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But I wasn't even supposed to say that! The line was "Sherinne, I hope Dr. Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy," but I couldn't get it right so they told me to improv!
   Liz:
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C'mon, guys! [dropping money on everyone] I'm making it rain!
   Tracy:
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You see what you've done, Liz Lemon?
   Liz:
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Tracy Jordan is broken. It's over.
   Strip Club Manager:
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Geta offa stage! No whites!

Failure to Plant

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   Kenneth:
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You wanted to see me, Miss Maroney? Oh my. Candles, incense, disco music. Someone's getting into the Easter spirit.
   Jenna:
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No, Kenneth. Do you remember that silly joke about me having your baby.
   Kenneth:
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Yes! So crazy!
   Jenna:
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I know! It's crazy. Unless you're into it.
   Kenneth:
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What? No, ma'am. That would be wrong. We're not married and we're different religions.
   Jenna:
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We can do whatever we want.
   Kenneth:
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Miss Maroney, I'd do anything for you or Mr. Jordan but this is wrong.
   Jenna:
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But Kenneth, you might be my only chance. [plays with his face]
   Kenneth:
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No!
   Jenna:
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Fine. I'll get you when you're sleeping! It's not rape if neither party really wants it!

Jenna Helps Tracy With Failure

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   Jenna:
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You're back!
   Tracy:
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Yeah, this is my front. Thanks for setting me up with another classic quote.
   Jenna:
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I borrowed your whale semen candle. It didn't work, by the way.
   Tracy:
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You can keep it. I'm just packing up a few things and then I'm gone.
   Jenna:
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Wait. Where are you going?
   Tracy:
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I'm quitting show business. I can't stop the horrible respect people have for me.
   Jenna:
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Tracy, you can't do that. Look, I'd never say this on the record...
   Tracy:
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Of course. This is ALL off the record. [stops tape recorder]
   Jenna:
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The show needs you. And I need you. I'd rather do the show than have a baby.
   Tracy:
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But you don't understand.
   Jenna:
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Oh I do understand. Look at Roman Polanski.
   Tracy:
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No thank you.
   Jenna:
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Or Elia Kazan. He told the government his friends were communists then got a standing ovation at the Oscars.
   Tracy:
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That's crazy! A man named Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
   Jenna:
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You know, when you think about it, then only celebrities that completely undo their goodwill are the murderers. John Wilkes Booth, Phil Spector, O.J. Simpson... who texted me earlier today.
   Tracy:
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Shoot someone, huh? Nah. That's crazy, even for us.
   Jenna:
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I guess it would take a pretty big gas leak to make you think THAT was a good idea.

Dennis Rejected

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   Liz:
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All right! 100th episode, 100 hours of comedy!
   Toofer:
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Minus the commercials.
   Liz:
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20 hours of comedy!
   Dennis:
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Hey, Dummy!
   Liz:
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Dammit!
   Dennis:
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Look, Liz, if this is going to work out between you and me, you should know my tarantula sleeps on my face.
   Liz:
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Oh my God. My show is getting cancelled, I'm never speaking to Jack Donaghy, and the worst thing that happened to me today is that YOU showed up.
   Dennis:
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Ah, cuz you called ME.
   Liz:
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When I was high on gas. Do you not understand what that means??
   Dennis:
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No, not really. Gas has no effect on me at all. When I was growing up, my school, Jerry Cooney Elementary, it was right next to a gas works in Queens. It ventilated into the cafeteria. We got a big settlement from the city. Our parents voted to spend it on a boat that the families could share, but then that sank. But you know what, I'm still smart enough to know that I'll never do better than you, Liz Lemon, cuz you're a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen, so I'm going to give you one more shot to admit to me that you keep bringing me back into your life for a reason.
   Liz:
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Subhas, take out the trash.
   Dennis:
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Don't order me around, woman! [leaves]
   Liz:
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No! I mean, just... Dennis, get out!
   Dennis:
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You'll change your mind.
   Dennis:
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[smashes open gas pipe] [inhales gas] Let's rock, Duffy.

Three Jacks

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   Jack:
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You again! Wait. You're not Sideways Jack.
   Past Jack:
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I'm Past Jack. Because I'm from the past. And I'm you.
   Jack:
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I get it.
   Past Jack:
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Do you? Cuz it seems like you don't get much of anything anymore, old man. If you're my future I'm going to jump.
   Sideways Jack:
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Stop him! If he jumps we don't exist anymore.
   Jack:
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I'm perfectly aware of that. I studied Time Dilation and Quantum Teleportation in college.
   Sideways Jack:
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No you didn't. You saw Time Cop.
   Past Jack:
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Really? I never saw Time Cop.
   Jack:
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You will. In 2007. And you'll love it. Why are you talking like that?
   Past Jack:
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This is how everyone talked in the 80s. This is how Reagan talked.
   Sideways Jack:
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Look, there's still time to fix this. Jack, you need to kick ass again! Starting with getting rid of that woman.
   Past Jack:
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Listen to him. He's awesome. And you know he's right.
   Jack:
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Fire Lemon? I don't know if I can do that.
   Past Jack:
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Well then take this! [punches himself in the balls] Oh! God! That only hurt me. Why did I think that would hurt you, too?
   Sideways Jack:
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Jack, be the man you were meant to be. Me. This tuxedo is made out of the puma that I rode into my 50th birthday party.
   Jack:
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Why are you both wearing tuxedos.
   Sideways Jack:
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[simultaneously with Past Jack] It's after six. What are we, farmers?
   Past Jack:
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[simultaneously with Sideways Jack] It's after six. What are we, farmers?
   Sideways Jack:
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Now go get rid of that woman.

Dr. Spaceman Helps Out

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   Dr. Spaceman:
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Just want to check everything after your little gas scare. Well my pen light is working. That's good. Now, can you say the alphabet for me.
   Pete:
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Well a very very heavy, uh, heavy, de-pertation tonight. We had a very ders... derrisson? by... Let's go ahead and tear a station, let's gud the bip the hebun bip.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Excellent. [sees Pete off] My God, Jenna, are you pregnant? How? Did you go swimming in a public pool?
   Jenna:
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No, I got in my head about having a baby and now I'm having a hysterical pregnancy.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Well that's redundant. All pregnancies are hysterical. They're started by penises.
   Jenna:
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This should be perfect. I mean, all I want is the attention, so why am I not happy? [crying] I mean, on some level do I want to have a baby? Do I want to be a mother? Should I be a mother?
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Bored.
   Greta Johansen:
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Hey. Greta Johansen your animal wrangler.
   Pete:
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My God you're beautiful.
   Danny:
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If you say goodbye tonight all I'll have will be my memories, so keep on reaching for the light. [montage of old Josh scenes] I now believe these are my memories, my memories- [falls over drum kit]

The Roof Plan

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   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept this is happening. You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution or a woman's right to choose her haircut.
   Tracy:
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I'm sorry, Ken, but maybe Jenna was right. The only way I could come back is if I shoot someone, and that's crazy. Or is it? Maybe it's a good idea.
   Kenneth:
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I don't know. It has a nice simple logic to it. Why don't we take a deep breath and then both say what we think we should do.
   Tracy:
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[inhales deeply and speaks at the same time as Kenneth] I should shoot you on the roof of 30 Rock.
   Kenneth:
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[inhales deeply and speaks at the same time as Tracy] You should shoot me on the roof of 30 Rock. I only ask one thing, sir. Make it quick.
   Tracy:
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I cannot promise you that, Ken. I'm a horrible shot.
   Kenneth:
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To the roof!

Gas Plan Man

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   Liz:
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Hey, Dummy!
   Dennis:
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Hey. You ready to sign that lease? Remember how we were talking earlier about me moving in with you and how hard it is to kick a tenant out in New York? Just think about it. I'll make you chili every night. I'll provide for you. I have a new business idea. It's like Netflix, but you go to a store and you pick out your video from a limited selection.
   Liz:
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It'd be like five year ago.
   Dennis:
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Exactly. I can move my stuff in tonight, right? I just have one duffel bag and a sidecar. My motorcycle got impounded for being parked too awesome. I just need you to sign this lease I printed up off the internet.
   Liz:
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Okay. I need a pen.
   Dennis:
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You don't have a pen? You're a writer, Liz. All I have is this kick ass laser pointer that I point at nerds' crotches in the part. No, wait. All WE have is this kick ass laser pointer.
   Liz:
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Come on, baby, let's go find a pen.
   Dennis:
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Okay.

Four of a Kind

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   Jack:
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Oh no.
   Future Jack:
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Let me introduce myself. I am-
   Jack:
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Future Jack, obviously. Is that what we're wearing in ten years?
   Future Jack:
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More like thirty-five years.
   Jack:
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You're eighty-seven years old? My God I'm outstanding.
   Future Jack:
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I like to think so. I've come all the way from the future - which is a lot harder than coming from the past -
   Past Jack:
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Whatever, pops.
   Future Jack:
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- to warn you not to listen to the other Jacks. In the future you're happier than you ever imagined. You have grandchildren and a gorgeous Polyblasian wife. That's a new race that emerges in 2030. They're incredible!
   Jack:
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What happened to Avery?
   Future Jack:
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Oh you'll see. [laughs] It's hilarious!
   Past Jack:
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Yeah but what about his- your- our career? Don't we want to be this dude? [pointing to Sideways Jack]
   Future Jack:
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Younger me's business is only a part of life. Real happiness-
   Sideways Jack:
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Aw, shut up. Don't listen to his crap, Jack. If you choose my path you'll be plenty happy. You'll spearhead GE's development of the electric vagina! You won't be married but you'll have a house with a lot of glass and it's cold. And you'll own the Buffalo Bills.
   Jack:
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You didn't say it was the Bills.
   Future Jack:
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Look, right now Liz Lemon is downstairs about to sign a lease with Dennis Duffy. If she does that you'll lose her. In three years they'll be married and living in Jacksonville, Florida, where he operates an unlicensed alligator park.
   Jack:
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Jacksonville?? Her hair can't handle that humidity! No. I don't care. I'm tired of saving her.
   Future Jack:
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To quote Liz Lemon: Opposite! You'd be saving yourself. The only way to get my life is to be distracted from your blind ambition, and you can't do that without Liz Lemon in your life.
   Sideways Jack:
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Jack, this guy's just trying to justify his own bad choices. Go down there and fire Liz.
   Sideways Jack:
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Okay, we're obviously all thinking it so I'm just going to say it. We're going to have sex with each other, right?
   Past Jack:
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Yeah. Yeah.
   Future Jack:
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Oh my.

Dennis Rejected Again

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   Jack:
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Lemon, don't sign that lease!
   Liz:
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Why are you here?
   Dennis:
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Just sign it, Dummy. It's a receipt for some lez pants you bought, or whatever.
   Jack:
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No. [rips up contract] If you have a problem I will fight you Dennis.
   Dennis:
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That wouldn't be very fair. I'm only trained to fight four or more men at a time.
   Jack:
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There are three more of me upstairs and I'd be happy to go get them.
   Dennis:
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I can't. I hurt my wrist.
   Tom:
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Hey, people! Somebody sabotaged the gas line. People could have died. Or had fights.
   Dennis:
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What? Who would do that? Hey! Grab that black guy!
   Liz:
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It was you!
   Dennis:
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What, are you mad at me, Liz? I did it for love!
   Liz:
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You're insane!
   Dennis:
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[security guards escort him out] Hey hey hey hey hey guys! Hands off the jacket, okay? It's from Amar'e Stoudemire's evening wear collection.
   Liz:
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If I ever see you again I'll kill you!
   Dennis:
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Please! You'll be back.
   Tom:
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Okay the gas is clearing out. You should be okay in time for the show. According to my device here. Good work, Jennifer.
   Liz:
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Oh my God the show! I got to load in an audience, I got to distribute scripts, I got to change Jenna's blood! I need Kenneth!
   Jack:
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Forget about Kenneth. I told Hank Hopper that Tracy Jordan would be here. Where is the star of your show?
   Jenna:
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Right here. I know you're talking about Tracy but I don't care.
   Liz:
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Tracy and Kenneth went to the roof. With a gun. Why??
   Jenna:
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Because I gave Tracy the idea to kill the only man who would have a baby with me!

Jenna's Abortion

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   Liz:
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Nothing to see here, Mr. Man.
   Jack:
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Hello, sir.
   Hank Hooper:
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Hello Kabletown family members! And my favourite actress. Jenna, when TGS gets cancelled - I mean if - when TGS gets cancelled, we need to talk about your future.
   Jenna:
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I know what my future holds, Hank. Motherhood. It's a surprise to me but I have so much love to give.
   Hank Hooper:
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Well why couldn't you be a mother and do a daytime talk show?
   Jenna:
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Well because the talk show would be my baby. I'm not going to be held back by some uterus turd. Let's call my agent.
   Liz:
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Oh my God! Your stomach! [looks at Jenna's flat stomach]

New Plan

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   Kenneth:
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For some reason I'm starting to rethink this, sir.
   Tracy:
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We all have doubt, K-Tel Records, but we made a decision, and we'll look stupid if we don't follow through.
   Kenneth:
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Okay. Just please, tell my mother that I-
   Tracy:
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My bad. That was an accident.
   Jack:
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Tracy, stop!
   Tracy:
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Don't startle me when I'm holding a gun! Use your head, Liz Lemon!
   Jack:
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For God sakes, Tracy, give me that gun! [wrestles gun from Tracy] Do you have any idea how much paperwork I would have to do if you shot Kenneth!?
   Tracy:
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I didn't know that, Jack. I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get people to stop respecting me.
   Jack:
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Tracy, you want to destroy the goodwill you have so you can go back to your easy TV job?
   Tracy:
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Yes, even more than I want to shoot Kenneth!
   Jack:
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Then all you have to do is go back to your easy TV job.
   Tracy:
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What?
   Jack:
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Do TV and no one will ever take you seriously again. It doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you had the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You could win ever award in sight. Be the biggest thing on the small screen and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear. Tracy, your career hit rock bottom the first time you decided to do TGS. You want it to hit rock bottom again? Go on network television.
   Tracy:
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Let's make some TV!
   Liz:
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We have five minutes!

Race to the Bottom

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   Tom:
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Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Sorry, folks. While we were working on the gas line we somehow broke the elevator. She's an old building. You're going to have to take the stairs. [everyone races downstairs]
   Jack:
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I'm okay!
   Tom:
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At least I made it through my last day. [looks down at bullet wound in his belly] Darn it!
   Guy in Wheelchair:
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[in wheelchair] Excuse me, the elevators are out. Do you know how I could-
   Jack:
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Shut up, SOMETHING.
   Brian Williams:
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Well, if it isn't Jack and Kenneth and Tracy and Liz. Hey, I have a bone to pick with the four of you.
   Liz:
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Screw, Williams!
   Hobo:
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Hey get out of my home!
   Liz:
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Sorry, recurring hobos!

Renewed

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   Tracy:
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I'm back everybody! You're welcome... for the adventure... my absence... Ooo! Provided.
   Pete:
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Liz, I was checking the cue cards and we have a problem. It all seemed so funny when they were writing it.
   Liz:
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During Dennis' gas leak!
   Pete:
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Yes! This'll work. Just flip the top of act 2. Danny can't make the wardrobe change that quick.
   Frank:
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Best show ever! Yeah!
   Blue Man:
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Guys. I don't know about this.
   Liz:
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Oh my God. We don't have a show.
   Announcer:
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Ten seconds!
   Liz:
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Just... start.
   Liz:
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I should call Dennis.
   Danny:
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Let's meet our contestants. Dr. Steven Poop is a homemaker and a centaur.
   Hank Hooper:
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You did it! You're picked up for a million more episodes! Where am I? Am I back in Vietnam?
   Danny:
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What charity are you playing for?
   Tracy:
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The Grimace Foundation, Jeremy. Keep your milkshakes purple for over a million years!
   Tom Hanks:
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Hold on. Tracy's back on TV again? Cluny, Hanks. Actor emergency. Tracy Jordan's doing TV again. I know. Disappointing. Take him off the official A list. Well I don't have the password. Pitt's our webmaster. Well then wake him up! They're doing Pam again? Ugh. I don't care what you say anymore this is my life. Go ahead with your own life, leave me a lone.
   Liz:
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This may be the gas talking, but I was wrong about Dennis. You're the guy who never left.
   Jack:
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And this is definitely the gas talking, but I'd be a lot worse off if I never met you, Lemon, and I'm proud to have you as a mentee. I mean, look at you. Endangering the lives of hundreds of people for a show that TV Guide once called "still on."
   Liz:
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I framed that article.
   Jack:
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To 100 more episodes.

The Future

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   Jenna:
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Wow, five years. It makes you think about all the fun we've had together.
   Tracy:
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But you know the single most amazing thing that's happened over the last five years? [cuts to shot of white turkey snowboarding]
   Kenneth:
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That is true, sir, but today does make me wonder where we'll all be five years from now. [cuts to cemetery with headstones reading "Tracy Jordan, Father, Husband, Diabetic, Alcoholic, Hero, Born sometime in 1970?, Died March 17, 2016", "Jenna Maroney, Born February 24, 1969, Died March 17, 2016", "Kenneth Ellen Parcell, May 27, 1781 - March 31, 2016"]