|
|
|
|
Liz:
|
I have this recurring dream... Actually is it recurring if you wake yourself up with a [snorts] and then return to it? Anyway, in the dream I'm a baby but my parents left me on the top of the car by accident...
|
|
Kenneth:
|
[hears Liz through a dreamy haze as he writes "Harold" over and over on his notepad]
|
|
Liz:
|
I think it has to do with my issues with sex.
|
|
Jack:
|
Lemon, what are you doing? Is KENNETH your therapist?
|
|
Liz:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
He can't handle that. Look at his head shape. He has no brainpan!
|
|
Kenneth:
|
It's fine, Mr. Donaghy. I'm okay. [in squeaky voice] And so am I! I'm Cheryl.
|
|
Jack:
|
This is exactly why I told you to see a professional. You dump your problems on some half-baked Barney Fife and you start a chain reaction of mental anguish. [shows Kenneth's notepad to Liz] Look what you've done to him.
|
|
Liz:
|
But he's such a good listener and he takes my insurance.
|
|
Jack:
|
[closes door on Liz] I'm going to help you. Lie down. Put your mental burden in my mind vice, and I will crush it. Kenneth, who is Harold?
|
|
Kenneth:
|
He... was a role model of mine growing up.
|
|
Jack:
|
[whispers] Please let Harold be human.
|
|
Kenneth:
|
Harold was a pig. You see, my father passed when I was just a young boy. After that I was alone a lot, and awful sad. But that pig saved me. In some ways, Harold was the only thing I had that was like a father.
|
|
Jack:
|
You had a void to fill. Continue.
|
|
Kenneth:
|
Then one day my momma told me we had to sell him. I knew what that meant. Harold was off to the slaughterhouse.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Kenneth:
|
I'm not done, sir. It gets worse. With Harold gone there was nothing keeping me at home. It was time for me to move to New York and follow my dreams, but I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket. And that's when I saw the sign.
|
|
Kenneth:
|
[flashback, Kenneth sitting under "Pig Eating Contest, First Prize: $300] I knew I could win that contest. I once ate an entire witch. A pig was nothing. And then.. they brought me mine. I would have recognized those eyes anywhere.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Kenneth:
|
It was Harold. And I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Kenneth:
|
I ate him, sir! I ate my father-pig! [screams]
|
|
Jack:
|
Okay. Or... you gave his death meaning. His sacrifice made you what you are today, which is the lowest level employee at the last-place network in America!
|
|
Kenneth:
|
I guess that is true. Thank you, sir. I'll think on that. And you're sure you're okay hearing about all of my problem?
|
|
Jack:
|
[chuckles] Of course. I'm Jack Donaghy.
|
|
Jack:
|
[looks at notebook he's filled with "daddy" over and over] Oh no. Crush it! [squealing] Oh God! Here comes my childhood! [weeps into a pillow]
|