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Liz:
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Merry Christmas, Jack! Sorry, I finished the Oreos in the cab.
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Jack:
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I'm glad you could make it, Lemon. Welcome to my "Christmas Attack Zone."
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Professor Milton Greene is on his way here from Penn Station.
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Liz:
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Milton, your FATHER is coming here? Please tell me that Colleen-
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Jack:
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Has no idea. The father that she hid from me for fifty years - the man that she doesn't even know I know exists - is joining us for supper. Uh, red or white?
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Liz:
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White! Jack, what are you doing? You promised me a drama-free dinner. I could be sitting at the corner table at the K-Mart cafe right now.
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Jack:
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[buzzer rings] Oh, that must be dad.
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Liz:
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Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here?
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Jack:
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No. I want it all to be fresh. Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy? Who knows. Milton's a hippie pacifist, but I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.
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Milton:
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My boy! [kisses Jack's cheek] This is going to be the best Winter's Eve Light Festival ever! Liz! [hugs Liz] And a happy whatever-you-believe-in, too.
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Liz:
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No. I am not letting this happen. Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here.
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Jack:
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Uh, yes. It's true. You're going to be a grandfather.
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Milton:
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Oh, what a blessing! [hugs Jack and Liz] Oh, life is beautiful. Joy, beautiful spark of the Gods, daughter of Elysium. And Liz, you're already showing.
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Liz:
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No, it's not me! And that is not what he has to tell you. Colleen is here and Jack is using you to ambush her.
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Milton:
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Jack:
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I'll tell you why. Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter-
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Milton:
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It's a girl! She'll be intuitive!
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Jack:
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Colleen did not see it as a blessing. She saw it as an embarrassment because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married.
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Milton:
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An embarrassment? She has no right to judge you. She need to read my new book, "There Is No Wrong Way To Make A Family." [hands Jack book] That's for you.
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Jack:
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I agree with you, Milton, but Colleen disapproves.
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Milton:
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Well that's awfully hypocritical for a woman who kept her son a secret from his own father. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind tonight.
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Liz:
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Oh great, Avery's here and she looks mad.
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Avery:
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Jack, I got your message. How dare Colleen disapprove of me - of us?!
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Jack:
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Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for my message to make you angry and have you come all the way back here. Now there are three people here that are mad at Colleen.
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Milton:
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Wait, this is Avery? How could that woman not adore such a beautiful daughter-in-law?
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Avery:
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Milton:
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By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself.
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Avery:
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Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense.
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Jack:
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Milton:
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Well, suit yourself, but my son Spider-Man turned out just fine.
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Liz:
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Okay this is disgusting. It is Christmas. You are not going to ambush an old woman for the mistakes that she has made. I mean, who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall twelve year old.
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Jack:
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Lemon, we all know what mistakes are-
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Liz:
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I'm going to tell Colleen what's happening while you all calm down. Where's her room?
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Jack:
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[whispers] Don't worry. I sent her to the east wing. It's very confusing. It was designed my M. C. Escher.
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Liz:
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[from another room] These stairs are weird.
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Jack:
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