College | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

The Crew Game


	Liz:	Where are Tracy and Jenna? We're supposed to be rehearsing.
	Tracy:	Hey WHAT WHAT! Sorry we haven't had time to get into our costumes yet.
	Liz:	How are we already behind today?
	Jenna:	Liz, women wearing men's watches is so over. The new thing is to get an Adam's apple.
	Liz:	My mom just had this fixed for me. It was my grandfather's. He worked for years at Union Station in DC. As a pickpocket.
	Chris:	Hey, hey, hey! Card game, guys. Twenty bucks per, pot's a thousand forty. Who's in?
	Liz:	What is this, Jabba's pleasure skiff?
	Pete:	It's the crew lottery, Liz! You buy a card, if it gets picked you win a thousand bucks. Get a tub of new suits from the Suit Emporium, Kabletown guys notice, your hair grows back... Everything grows back!
	Chris:	All right, anybody else?
	Liz:	Fine! I'll take one if it'll get everybody back to work sooner.
	Jenna:	What are you doing? That game is not for soft hands and face workers. It's for strongs and lifters.
	Tracy:	They hate when one of us wins.
	Crew:	[flashback] [boos]
	Tracy:	[flashback] Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts!
	Liz:	C'mon, my card only has a one in fifty-two chance of getting picked anyway.
	Tracy:	How did you know that?! You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground.
	Liz:	Zero.
	Tracy:	You need to go to Vegas.

pronouncify.com


	Liz:	Oh, why is Toofer in the punishment corner?
	Toofer:	I said "time to end the charade and adjust my schedule to buy a new vase." [pronounced sha-RAHD, SHED-yool, and VAHZ]
	Liz:	Oh, you stay there. You stay there until you die.
	Toofer:	Look up the pronunciation for schedule on the Internet.
	Frank:	[looks it up on pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	Schedule. [pronounced SKED-yool]
	Frank:	Ha! Stay in the corner.
	Lutz:	Wait, that computer. It's- It's Jack's voice!
	Frank:	[types in more words]
	Jack:	America. Whiskey. Liberal.
	Liz:	No! That can't be Jack! Why would his voice be on some random website? It's impossible?
	Frank:	[types in more words]
	Jack:	Lemon. Lesbian. Frankenstein. Wants her. Shoes back.
	Liz:	Oh my God, it is him.

Reminiscing


	Liz:	[knocks]
	Jack:	Come in, Lemon. Just revisiting some old GE quarterly reports. My first cover from my first year at the company in 1985.
	Liz:	[shrieks]
	Jack:	Ha. Good times. Just out of frame is a wheelbarrow full of cocaine.
	Liz:	So, uh, why the trip down memory lame? Ha ha! High-fiving a million angels.
	Jack:	The Microwave Division Quarterly Report comes out today. It'll probably be my last with GE now that I'm transitioning to Kabletown. I've been a GE man for twenty-five, and a GE woman for one week of corporate espionage at Revlon.
	Liz:	So... is there any way you could possibly be the voice of pronouncity.com.
	Jack:	What? ... No! [types in words]
	Jack:	Those bastards.
	Jack:	Those bastards!
	Liz:	Who bastards?
	Jack:	Part of my Princeton scholarship included work for the linguistics department. They wanted me to record every word of the dictionary to preserve the perfect American accent in case of nuclear war. Well, the Cold War ended and Princeton began selling the recordings.
	Liz:	So people can just buy your voice?
	Jack:	Oh, the things it's been dragged into. Thomas the Tank Engine. Wu-Tang songs.
	Jack:	[cut to music video] Uh. Yeah. Just. Like that. Make 'em clap. Make 'em make 'em clap.
	Liz:	Huh, I always forget you used to be poor.
	Jack:	Thank you. But yes, I've had to work my entire life. It began when my father left and I started working on the Boston docks as a twelve year old stevedore. "Bales up, you micks! Bales up!"
	Liz:	You've been working since you were twelve?
	Jack:	I had to. Those jobs puts me through college, but they also kept me from having the college experience. I was up early every morning working my way through the dictionary working my way through the dictionary for the linguistics department or sweeping the floors at the Princeton Monkey Lab. It wasn't the feces that got to you, Lemon. It was the crudely scrawled notes of "help me."
	Liz:	Yeah, well college wasn't THAT fun, Jack. I mean, sure, the first two weeks are nice.
	Jack:	Lemon, I really don't have time for a long-
	Liz:	The fall of 1988. A young Liz Lemon enters the University of Maryland. Richard Marx haircut, pilonidal cyst under control. It was a magical time, Jack!
	Jack:	Don't worry about getting to your point. I'm going to live forever.
	Liz:	The registrar accidentally gave me a handicapped room. It was HUGE. And for two weeks it was party central. I was popular. People gave me nicknames. A blonde girl high-fived me. But then, like all good things, it ended... before it even began.
	Jack:	Lemon, that's actually MY thoughtful window staring spot. Visitors stare... [gestures to other window] over here.
	Liz:	[sighs and stares thoughtfully out her window]
	Jack:	[sighs and stares thoughtfully out his window]

Saving Face


	Chris:	All right, guys, the moment we've all been waiting for. We're picking a winner. Here we go.
	Pete:	This is the lucky one. The Four of Clubs. Paula's nickname for my penis.
	Jenna:	And the winning card is... the Queen of Spades!
	Chris:	All right.
	Jenna:	Who's got it?
	Liz:	Oh brother.
	Chris:	Queen of Spades? Uh?
	Liz:	[holds up Queen of Spades]
	Crew:	Awww... Come on! Boo! Boo! Boooooooooo!
	Jenna:	[joining crew] She sucks!
	Liz:	Guys! Guys, I'm not going to keep it. I'm going to take this money and open a tab for all of you after work at Hurley's.
	Chris:	Wait, for real?
	Liz:	You know it, ARRIFLEX! [reading off his jacket]
	Chris:	[points to his name on the other side of his jacket]
	Liz:	Chris! Is this guy.
	Chris:	Well that is really cool of you.
	Crew:	[applauds and cheers]

Success In Absentia


	Liz:	[enters her office and adjusts her underwear]
	Jack:	Lemon, can you make sense of this? [hands her paper]
	Liz:	Well, on some level, yeah, that's a four, that's a nine...
	Jack:	Something's wrong here, Lemon. According to these numbers the Microwave Division had their best quarter in five years.
	Liz:	So?
	Jack:	So they did it without me.
	Liz:	No they didn't. I mean, you're still the head of that division. You hired everyone there. If they succeeded it's BECAUSE of you.
	Jack:	Lemon, that's the smartest thing you've ever said.
	Liz:	Really? What about three years ago when I said there should be more TV shows about cake?
	Jack:	I'll drive out to R&D in Stanford, congratulate my team, make sure everyone remembers who got them there. They'll probably give me a crystal plaque and I in turn will reward one of them with, uh... name remembrance. Lemon, why does your crew look drunk?
	Liz:	I won a thousand dollars and I gave them all a bar tab and they got drunk at lunch and now they like me.
	Jack:	Oh Lemon, please. Money can't buy happiness. It IS happiness.

Messing With Pete


	Toofer:	[nods to Frank]
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	I. Love. Unicorns.
	Lutz:	I told them not to. Let's get out of here, Jack.
	Jack:	I tell you what. Make me say anything you want. Get it out of your system.
	Toofer:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	Obama. Is. Very. Presidential.
	Jack:	All right, enough! I was trying to be a good sport, but you should be ashamed of yourselves. A bunch of thirty year olds, sitting around acting like college freshmen.
	Lutz:	Hey I'm almost forty-six.
	Jack:	When SOME OF US had to spend their freshmen year MAKING those recordings. And leading a disastrous monkey escape. Grow up. You children.
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	That. Went. Well.

Jenna's Wisdom


	Liz:	[grins] Never did this before. [fist bumps] Say hey, Willie Mays!
	Liz:	[enters room] You know, usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler. But today I feel like... Hitler in Germany.
	Jenna:	Aww, being popular must be such a new experience for you.
	Liz:	Well, it's not entirely new. [hands Jenna photo]
	Jenna:	Wow, I would experiment with that girl.
	Tracy:	Too small.
	Liz:	That's me. For two weeks in college. I was popular for one glorious fortnight and then it went away. I don't know what I did wrong.
	Tracy:	You probably said fortnight.
	Jenna:	No, you didn't do anything, Liz. You were just you. The cool people figured that out and treated you accordingly.
	Liz:	Well ever since I gave the crew that lottery money it's felt like those two weeks again. And you know what, I'm not blowing it this time.
	Jenna:	Hang on, you know this charade can't last. [pronounced sha-RAHD] Just like in college everyone here has their role. I'm the hot blonde.
	Tracy:	And I'm the nerd who takes off his glasses and everyone realizes he's handsome.
	Jenna:	And you're the RA.
	Liz:	Only if RA stands for Really Awesome. [leaves room]
	Jenna:	You are who you are!

Further Pete Messing


	Pete:	[answers phone]
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	Hello. Pete. This. Is. Jack.
	Pete:	Jack? Hi. Oh, okay look. What happened way Suzanne from Ad Sales got pushed in to ME in the elevator. I didn't try to touch HER, and the sort of... [groans] sound was about something else.
	Toofer:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	Pete. Will. You. Be. My. Friend?
	Pete:	Friend? Sure, of course. You know, whenever I tell my wife a work story -- she pointed this out the other day -- I always... always smile a little when I'm talking about you.
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	I. Wish. I. Was. More. Of. A. Free. Spirit. Like. You. Now. Freestyle. Rap. For. Me.
	Pete:	[rapping] Rollin' with my homie, me an Jackie D, bitches get ready for a sex party.
	Writers:	[laugh]

Liz Keeps In With The Crew


	Liz:	[misses thrown football which smashes light] Okay this is why we don't play football in the studio, guys.
	Liz:	Cuz it's too much fun! [goes to high five another crew member]
	Chris:	No, no. Nobody high five her.
	Liz:	What? But it's me, the Lizard. You could start calling me that.
	Chris:	Look, we appreciate what you did for the crew last night, but you left some people out and that's not cool.
	Liz:	What are you talking about? The Blizzard wouldn't do that. That's another option.
	Chris:	Yeah, the alcoholics, Liz. How are they supposed to enjoy your bar tab?
	Liz:	I didn't forget about them, Chris. Their... thing just hasn't gotten here yet.
	Chris:	Really?
	Liz:	Yeah, it's a surprise! And who knows what it's going to me? Only the Blizzbian knows.
	Chris:	All right. [high fives Liz and leaves]
	Liz:	Whew!
	Jenna:	How long do you think this can go on?
	Liz:	I've got it under control!
	Jenna:	This is why I hated my first two weeks at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks. No one knew who was the sluttiest. But I showed them. Oh I showed them all! And when we graduated a week later-
	Liz:	Whatever, Jenna. People's perceptions can change.
	Tracy:	Can they? Look at me. I'm Ogbert the Nerd. Always have been, always will be.
	Jenna:	Look, there is no cool Liz. There's only RA Liz.
	Liz:	You're wrong.
	Tracy:	My glasses are dirty.
	Jenna:	Ogbert?

Microwave Division Has Moved On


	Jack:	Ahhh, the Microwave Lab. Boys, I received OUR quarterly report yesterday and, uh... Hang on. AJ? Raj? Ramesh? What's going on here? Where are Denesh, Kumar, and Sunavo?
	Ramesh:	Sir, this lab requires clearance.
	Jack:	Clearance? Heh. I'm your boss. I'm... Jack Donaghy.
	Ramesh:	I'm sorry, your names all sound the same to us, John Donavan.
	Jack:	I've worked here since 1985. I spearheaded the Trivection Oven.
	Ramesh:	Trivection? What is this, 2009? [laughs with coworkers] The future is the TK Four Twenty One.
	Jack:	A new model? How many vections does it have?
	Ramesh:	Five.
	Jack:	[gasps]
	Ramesh:	It's the perfect microwave. It even has a new voice feature.
	Jack:	Popcorn. Setting. Medium.
	Jack:	My God.
	Ramesh:	Which one?
	Jack:	Gentlemen I am still the head of this division, and no microwave ships without my say so. And I guarantee you that without my twenty-five years of experience you didn't not build... a perfect microwave. Now I'm going to find out what's wrong with this machine, and when I do... you're going to wish you'd never been born?
	Ramesh:	Which... time?
	Jack:	[carries microwave away]

Spurned Wisdom


	Kenneth:	Ah. What are you tinkering with, sir? You know my uncle was a tinkerer. Until the FBI shot him.
	Jack:	Every GE product has to be no more than six sigmas from perfection.
	Kenneth:	Duh.
	Jack:	So I'm taking apart this... piece of junk, until I prove that it should never be released. For the, uh... good of the company.
	Jack:	Ready. Ready.
	Jack:	[slams fist on microwave]
	Kenneth:	Is this about the company, sir? Or is it about you?
	Jack:	I'm sorry, Kenneth, what?
	Kenneth:	Sometimes a place can be so special to you that it couldn't possibly continue after you're gone, but after I left Kentucky Mountain Bible College it still kept going. Until it was shut down. Because of the wolves. Maybe this is really about you... not being able to let go.
	Jack:	Tell me, Kenneth, what did you major in at that college?
	Kenneth:	Television studies with a minor in Bible sexuality.
	Jack:	So NOT psychiatry. Uh, thank you, but if you really want to help me, stick your hand in there and see if you get a shock.
	Kenneth:	[sticks hand in microwave which sparks and crackles] [screams] My hand!
	Jack:	Dammit, it's supposed to do that.

Liz On Top


	Liz:	Everyone enjoying the ice cream?
	Crew:	Yeah!
	Liz:	I don't even care that we've taken a... seventy-three minute break to eat it.
	Liz:	[dog barks and jumps up on her] Oh! Hey! Somebody brought a dog to work. Uh, and it definitely doesn't have any of its own waste on its feet.
	Chris:	Hey, why's Tony sulking?
	Tony:	I couldn't go to the bar and now I can't have any ice cream.
	Chris:	I totally forgot, brosef, you're a lactose intolerant alcoholic.
	Tony:	I try to forget too, but Liz made me remember in front of everybody.
	Dancer:	Poor Tony.
	Chris:	Not cool, Liz.
	Liz:	How not cool is this? I remembered how special Tony is, and that's why I got him... this watch.
	Chris:	Hey you think of everything.
	Liz:	[laughs and starts chanting through a smile] Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard!
	Crew:	[hesitant, but starts chanting] Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard! Lizard!

Messing Goes Too Far


	Jack:	Pete. Can. I. Tell. You. A secret?
	Pete:	Of course. I told you about my blankie.
	Writers:	[laughs]
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	I'm. Lonely. Would. You. Like. To. Come. To. My. Office. Tomorrow. Evening. And. Hang. Out? Bring. Your. Guitar. And. Some. Beer. In. Cans. And. We. Will. Jam.
	Pete:	Okay, yeah, great. And about that Kabletown stuff, maybe we could talk about some new opportunities for me?
	Frank:	[types words in pronouncify.com]
	Jack:	Yes. I. Will. Make. Your. Dreams. Come. True. Make. Sure. You wear. One of those. Mexican. Ponchos.
	Pete:	Okay.
	Frank:	[high fives writers] Yes! Nice! Yeah!

Still Spurned


	Jack:	All right, Kenneth. Simulate a rain storm.
	Kenneth:	[pours water on microwave, which sputters]
	Kenneth:	Sir, I was wrong about the hypothermia. I don't even feel cold anymore. I don't feel anything.
	Jack:	Quiet. Look. The display is malfunctioning.
	Jack:	Defrost. Power. Time left. Pizza.
	Jack:	Oh really? That's how much time is left? Pizza?
	Kenneth:	Mr. Donaghy, I don't know what point you think you're proving. Who would microwave something in a freezing rainstorm.
	Jack:	Why don't you ask Chokti, an Inuit who wants a hot bowl of noglak. A man and food I just made up to illustrate a point.
	Kenneth:	Sir, you have to let go. At least that's what my nanna is telling me from that tunnel of light behind you.
	Jack:	Kenneth, I've told you this before. Your nanna is an idiot.

Liz Shirks Duty To Stay Cool


	Lutz:	Liz, we're pranking Pete and it's going too far. Please stop us.
	Liz:	Why would I? I love pranks. I'm not the RA.
	Lutz:	[stammers] But someone has to be that person! [whispers] Hey. Everyone stop. Listen to Lutz. [everyone ignores him]

Jack Concedes


	Jack:	[arrives carrying microwave] Hello gentlemen. Remember me?
	Ramesh:	Yes, I had the Greek salad.
	Jack:	You know I'm not a delivery man. I'm wearing a suit and carrying a microwave. A so-called "perfect" microwave. [presses button on microwave]
	Ramesh:	Start time. 19:85.
	Jack:	19:85. That's not a time. I guess it could be a year. The year I started working here, actually. That's interesting.
	Jack:	19:85.
	Jack:	Yes, 19:85, thank you. And since 1985 I have never allowed a sub-par product-
	Jack:	Stop.
	Jack:	The point is. My legacy here is -
	Jack:	[keeps beeping] Over. Done. Over. End. Stop.
	Jack:	That's my voice.
	Ramesh:	You all sound the same to us, Chuck Tanqueray.
	Jack:	That was me. Thirty years ago. A young man who dreamed of running this company. Who made a lot of sacrifices... in pursuit of that dream.
	Jack:	Goodbye. Potato. Goodbye.
	Jack:	But he's right. It's over. Congratulation on making... the finest microwave I've ever seen. [leaves]
	Delivery Man:	[looks identical to Jack] Who ordered the Greek salad?
	Ramesh:	Are we racist, or do those guys look a lot alike?

College


	Pete:	[strums guitar] You ready for this, J-dog? Jam out, drink some brews, talk about everything and nothing.
	Jack:	After today, that is exactly what I am ready for. [claps hands] Beer me.
	Pete:	[hands Jack a beer]
	Jack:	[cracks beer and sighs] Sitting around, drinking beer while a guy in a poncho plays guitar... this is what I always pictured college being like.
	Pete:	I wouldn't really know. I only had about two weeks of real college before Paula got pregnant. Twice. She had overlapping pregnancies five months apart.
	Jack:	[sighs] Hey, Pete. Do you know Aqualung?
	Pete:	[laughs and starts playing guitar] Baw baw baw baw baw.
	Jack:	[sings] Sitting on a park bench. I don't know the words except park bench.

The Return of the RA


	Liz:	Jimmy Slice! Gay Bones! Mikey-Mike!
	Chris:	Do not even use my awesome nickname.
	Liz:	What? Why? Crisco.
	Chris:	Did you give Tony your grandfather's watch?
	Liz:	No. You can't prove that?
	Chris:	Hmm. [hold up watch] Ah. [reads back of watch] "Not stolen property of Adolf Lemon." Why would you do that? To get us to like you? Are you that desperate?
	Liz:	No. I'm not desperate. I'm... I... Just tell me what you want me to say and I'll say it.
	Jenna:	Liz. It's over. They know what you really are.
	Liz:	Fine. You found me out. I'm not a cool kid.
	Crew:	You suck!
	Liz:	You know who I am? I'm the RA. And do you know what the RA's purview is? Rules. And guess what. According to the NBC Employee Handbook, your little card game-lottery constitutes gambling, so you're not doing it anymore.
	Crew:	[moans]
	Liz:	Also, the next time I see someone throwing a football in here, there will be fines. And... if I see that filthy dog again, I will put it down. I will put it down with a smile.
	Crew:	[moans]
	Liz:	Back to work everyone!
	Crew:	[boos and jeers]
	Liz:	I love you too. High fiving a million angels.

Liz Goes Back To College


	Jack:	Hey, Pete. How do I know that the colors you see are the same as the colors that I see? Maybe what I see as red you perceive as green.
	Pete:	We should be writing this stuff down.
	Liz:	Oh. I didn't think anybody would be in here. I mean, I brought you guys a pizza.
	Jack:	Lemon, think fast! [throws empty can at Liz]
	Liz:	[gets hit in head] What is going on here?
	Jack:	Join us. Pete and I are having a little college night.
	Liz:	Oh yeah? Wanna see me shotgun this?
	Jack:	Oh God, she means the pizza!
	Pete:	She's unhinging her jaw!

Animal House Epilogue


	Frank:	[wearing dog collars and standing shirtless in an ice tub with Toofer and Lutz] C'mon! We were just pranking Pete. How long do we have to do this?
	Jack:	You wanted college to go on forever? You got it. [screen reads: Jack Donaghy had promised his pregnant girlfriend he wouldn't drink. He spent the night on a couch that cost more than your car.]
	Liz:	[flashback to Liz fist bumping] [screen reads: Later that night, Liz Lemon's pilonidal cyst returned. It is currently her best friend.]
	Kenneth:	[flashback to Kenneth on Jack's balcony] [screen reads: Kenneth Parcell briefly died on Jack's balcony. He came back with a message from God that he has forgotten.]
	Tracy:	[flashback to Tracy wearing glasses] [screen reads: Ogbert 'Tracy' Jordan went on to invent a new kind of borkulator.]

College [ Season 5 | Episode: 8 ] - Episode. Explained.