Everything Sunny All the Time Always    [ Season 5 | Episode: 22 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Independent Jack

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   Sherry:
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[singing with Jack] Hush island baby, tomorrow you shuck the cane. Your little fingers bloody, prepare to be whipped.
   Jack:
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[singing with Sherry] Hush island baby, tomorrow you shuck the cane. Your little fingers bloody, prepare to be whipped.
   Jack:
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She's asleep.
   Avery:
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Hey! It's mommy! I'm in Beijing!
   Jack:
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Shh! Liddy just went to sleep.
   Avery:
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Well wake her up, Jack. She needs to hear her mother's voice.
   Jack:
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No, when she's ready Doctor Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
   Avery:
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Oh, c'mon! She'll fall back asleep.
   Jack:
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No. Call back tomorrow. She has babynomics at eleven.
   Avery:
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Liddy! It's your mother! Imprinting! Imprinting!

Liz's Life Change

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   Liz:
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God, Tracy could have cleaned up before he left. And why did he leave all this soda here?
   Jenna:
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What are you doing? That's his urine.
   Liz:
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He is not well. Someday this place is going to be a kick-ass duplex like on Diff'rent Strokes.
   Jenna:
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Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men's room.
   Liz:
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I just gotta get rid of all these boxes. I don't even know what this stuff is anymore. Comencé a estudiar these but then... yo gave up. Here's the novel I never finished.
   Jenna:
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Liz stabbed Jenna repeatedly.
   Liz:
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Well…
   Jenna:
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"The Secret?" I gave you this five years ago. You still haven't read it?
   Liz:
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Uch.
   Jenna:
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It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
   Liz:
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Jenna, the only way to make things happen in the real world is by taking action.
   Jenna:
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Oh I've taken action. It dries your mouth out but the sex is amazing.
   Liz:
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No, I'm talking about taking control. Like I do every day at work. I found Tracy, I saved the show, I always think of a third thing when I'm listing stuff.
   Jenna:
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If taking control is so great then how do you explain your personal life. I mean, look at the Post-It on your sweater.
   Liz:
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[looks at Post-In on her sweater that reads "DO NOT WEAR AGAIN WITHOUT WASHING!!!"] Oh boy. You're right. I just have to care about myself as much as I care about work. Starting right now, I'm going to clean this apartment while I learn Spanish.
   Jenna:
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Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
   Liz:
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Oh boy.

Jack Approves Lizbeanism

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   Liz:
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Great news, Jack. I've got a new life philosophy that I call "Lizbeanism."
   Jack:
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I see. And uh, how did you come up with that name.
   Liz:
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Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the same way I fix problems at work. I saved the show, now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbeanism mean that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
   Jack:
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Good for you, Lemon.
   Liz:
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Check this out, Jack. Tile samples. First I redo the bathroom, then I redo the whole apartment, and then the world.
   Jack:
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I'm impressed, Lemon. You're talking like a winner. I'm going to give you [opens hidden wall compartment] one of my neckties.
   Liz:
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This is a big moment for me.
   Jack:
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You're taking control of your destiny. No matter how strait the gate or charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
   Liz:
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That's from Invictus. Wait, who was the white guy in that?
   Jack:
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Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
   Liz:
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YOU'RE raising a child? C'mon. I think Avery is probably doing that.
   Jack:
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Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
   Liz:
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Be careful what you wish for. According to "The Secret" it'll come true.
   Jack:
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I wish Liz Lemon would leave so I could go back to word.
   Liz:
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Oh. Oh! What's pulling me? I want to stay here and keep boring Jack! Whoa! Okay! I really fell! I need help!

Smooth Move, Fergusen

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   Dotcom:
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Tracy. Welcome back. I think I speak for all of us when I say how thrilled we-
   Tracy:
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Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom! Look, we got a lot of work to catch up on.
   Kenneth:
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Yes sir! It just feels so good to have the three musketeers and Dotcom back again. [walks over and trips]
   Grizz:
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Smooth move, Fergusen! [everyone but Tracy laughs]
   Tracy:
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What are you laughing about?
   Kenneth:
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Oh, nothing, sir. Just an inside joke from when you were gone. You kinda needed to be there.
   Tracy:
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No no no no no. No. You three are not allowed to have inside jokes that I'm not a part of. I can have inside jokes that you're not a part of. For example: hot feet or ask Melissa about it. But my entourage serves ME, and "smooth move, Fergusen" is not funny to ME, so it is forbidden, understand? Next order of business, Griz's DVD reviews for this weekend.
   Grizz:
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[reading off a card] You wouldn't expect a movie called "Somewhere" to go absolutely nowhere...

The Bag

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   Liz:
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[singing montage] Sometimes we use a song to move a story along and explain it to you. Woo! Cuz Liz is taking charge, she's in control of everything she do. In her personal life, hey hey nah nah, in her personal life. Here comes the story obstacle now...
   Liz:
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What's that? Tony, there's a bag in that tree and it's right outside the window of my soon-to-be-perfect-life apartment.
   Tony:
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If you're not in the building I don't have to talk to you. Trees are city property. You have to take it up with City Hall.

Trip Extension

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   Jack:
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That's your mother, Liddy. Say hello.
   Avery:
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[wearing Ronald Reagan mask and lingerie] Who's ready for Skype sex?
   Jack:
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No. No no, this is the Liddy call.
   Avery:
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What? I can't see. Oh!
   Sherry:
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You people have too much money.
   Avery:
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Hi Sherry! I don't know why our daughter would be afraid of Reagan.
   Jack:
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Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
   Avery:
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No, of course not. Listen, News wants me to extend the trip. But I can get it out of it if you need me there to help.
   Jack:
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No. You stay.
   Avery:
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Are you sure?
   Jack:
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I'm sure. Bring back some throwing stars for Liddy.
   Avery:
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I will, and thank you for being the best husband ever. [puts Regan mask back on] So do you want to watch me eat jelly beans? Real slow?
   Jack:
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Yes.

Tracy Obsesses

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   Dotcom:
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Smooth move, Fergusen! [everyone laughs]
   Tracy:
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[pops out of trash] I knew it! I knew you were saying that behind my back.
   Kenneth:
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How long were you in there?
   Tracy:
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I knew you wouldn't stop! And now your failure leaves us with only one option: explain to me why "smooth move, Fergusen" is funny.
   Kenneth:
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Well, while you were away we ordered Mexican food and the delivery guy tripped and then Mr. Grizwald said "smooth move, Fergusen." [everyone laughs but Tracy]
   Tracy:
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That story is not funny!
   Kenneth:
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Sir, you had to be there.
   Tracy:
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Then I will be. We're going to recreate all the events surrounding "smooth move, Fergusen" exactly as they occurred. Maybe then we can get on with our lives. Let's get to work.

Avery Kidnapped!

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   Jack:
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[all phone lines and his mobile ring] Uh, Jonathan, what is going on?
   Jonathan:
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Sir, you need to see this, even if it ruins whatever you had planned for secretary's day, like a poem you wrote for me or whatever.
   Thomas Roberts:
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We go now to a pre-taped statement from super crazy Korean dictator, Kim Jong-il.
   Kim Jong-il:
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[speaking Korean, with voice over translating to English] People of North Korea, it is your dear leader Kim Jong-il, world's greatest golfer and movie director and best man at Tom Brady's wedding. As we all know, the decadent Western journalist-spy Laura Ling left us because she can't party as hard as we can. I know, right? But now, another American reporter has come to North Korean because it's awesome and we have enough food. Her name is Avery Jessup and like me, her hair is blonde. [North Koreans saluting]
   Thomas Roberts:
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One of our own, NBC's Avery Jessup Donaghy, detained in North Korean. More on that as it develops, but first, it's never too early to plan your dog's Halloween costume.
   Jack:
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I told her to stay. I didn't want her at home. This is my fault.
   Jonathan:
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Sir, if you say one more syllable, that's a haiku.
   Jack:
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Leave.

Lizbeanism's First Failure

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   Liz:
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I'm not afraid of you, City Hall. Let's do this.
   Liz:
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Don't go in there! Run, citizen!

Jack Struggles

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   Jack:
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Look, Boehner, we're all upset. I mean, it's my wife. John, stop crying. I- I can't understand you.
   Jonathan:
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I said he's busy!
   Liz:
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Busy, Jonathan? I got a bag stuck in a tree. Jack, I have a bag stuck in a tree outside my apartment and I can't get it down and I don't know why it's making me so crazy-
   Jack:
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Yes you do. You said it yourself, and it's not just about a bag or a view, it's about taking charge of your life and solving problems. I'm facing a similar situation myself.
   Liz:
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Lay it on me. Two-way street.
   Jack:
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Avery has been kidnapped by Kim Jong-il.
   Liz:
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What!? Why?? Is she a spy? Oh my God I already know too much!
   Jack:
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Kim Jong-il runs a vast propaganda machine. Evidently his latest insane idea is to bring in a Western journalist to report on how the free world is being conquered by North Korea.
   Avery:
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[cut to TV broadcast] [title: American News Channel USA] And in food news, you've had enough to eat today. Now here with the weather is Johnny Mountain.
   Kim Jong-il:
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North Korea, everything is sunny all the time. Always good time beach party. Back to you, Avery.
   Liz:
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You have to call President Clinton. He got Lisa Ling's sister out of North Korea.
   Jack:
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President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
   Liz:
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She's much too thin.
   Jack:
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I do, of course, have some connections, but my best bet is fraught. I never should have broken up with Condi via text message.
   Liz:
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You broke up with Condoleezza Rice by text?
   Jack:
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Me plus you equals frowny face.
   Liz:
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Yeah, you can't call her.
   Jack:
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I know. But I am going to solve this. Just like you are going to solve your equally important bag in a tree situation. Invictus, Lemon.

Reenactment Planning

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   Tracy:
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Now that I've killed that bug I'd like to call this "smooth move, Fergusen" meeting to order. Kenneth, report.
   Kenneth:
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Well, sir, we've got the delivery guy booked but I've run into some big problems. For example, it was raining that day.
   Tracy:
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Look, here, take my credit card, use it to break into a special effects warehouse to steal one.
   Kenneth:
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Well, sir, even if we did that there are some thing we can't control. We don't remember what we were wearing, Dotcom was sick.
   Tracy:
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Security footage. Dotcom licks the subway steps. These are solvable problems.
   Kenneth:
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Well what about this? Miss Maroney was here screaming at Mr. Rossitano. Later that day she got her hair cut.
   Jenna:
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Aw, thank you.
   Kenneth:
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The point is, her hair was longer then.
   Tracy:
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J. Mo, how long would it take for your hair to grow back.
   Jenna:
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It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
   Tracy:
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You know I do.
   Jenna:
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Give me three weeks.
   Tracy:
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Then we'll reconvene in three weeks. Meeting is adjourned. [looks at gavel] Oh my God what happened to my bug!

Three Weeks Later

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   Liz:
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Kch, stupid grappling hook can't catch one little bag. You think I'm giving up? Did I give up when that squirrel I trained to retrieve you just ran away? You will not win, Mr. Bag.
   Mr. Bag:
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But Liz, I already have.
   Liz:
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What did you say??
   Mr. Bag:
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Jack's wrong. No human is truly the master of his fate. Even your dream apartment can't protect you from... death. I'm not ruining your view, I'm reminding you of your mortality cuz you know I'll be here long after you're gone, the wind rustling against my genitals. That's right, bags have genitals.
   Liz:
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You don't know me!
   Mr. Bag:
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Go ahead, buy nesting tables. Paint an accent wall. I'll watch the EMTs take you out in my cousin, a body bag.

The Reenactment

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   Tracy:
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K-9, Operation Fergusen status report.
   Kenneth:
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Rain, check. Room temperature, check. Miss Maroney's hair length, check.
   Jenna:
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Do you like it? If you say no I'll drown myself.
   Kenneth:
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Uh, Mr. Grizwald, could you put the TV on the right channel? MSNBC.
   Tracy:
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Was Dotcom standing that gay?
   Kenneth:
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Uh, no sir, he was not.
   Thomas Roberts:
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Today, denying reports that Jessup-Donaghy is anchoring a fake Western news channel, calling the accusations "as ridiculous as the dunk Kim Jong-il won the NBA dunk contest with."
   Tracy:
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Hey, what's my boy K.J. doing on TV?
   Frank:
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What? That's Kim Jong-il.
   Tracy:
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Yeah, we did a movie together he directed and co-starred in.
   Tracy:
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Death to the CIA! Let us all increase production of millet and sunflowers!
   Kim Jong-il:
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[movie] I defuse bomb, black partner. Hasta la vista, baby. [high fives Tracy]
   Frank:
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Dude, I think you did a North Korean propaganda film.
   Tracy:
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It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
   Frank:
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Oh, okay.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, he's coming. Places, everyone.
   Grizz:
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Smooth move, Fergusen. [silence]
   Tracy:
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[laughs] I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone laugh! NOW, you sons of bitches!

Avery Broken

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   Jack:
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Tracy, it's come to my attention that you know Kim Jong-il, and obviously I'm concerned about my wife and I want to know what she's going through. Please, hold nothing back.
   Tracy:
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Okay, but you might not like what I have to tell you. Kim Jong-il sometimes shoots in a closeup too much. Comedy lives in a wide shot. And also - this is going to be rough - his acting notes are often vague.
   Jack:
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Okay. Thank you. What is this? My God. They're letting her speak.
   Avery:
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[title: Western Lie-Monger Apologizes] For the past three weeks I have been honoured to partake in a political re-education regimen. I have voluntarily taken several floggings for being an arrogant American.
   Jack:
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That's okay. She's tough. We do a lot of pirate-themed sexual role play. I'm a parrot.
   Avery:
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Also I spend eight hours a day breaking concrete blocks to learn to be an obedient worker.
   Jack:
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No problem. She pays a thousand dollars an hour to do that with her trainer.
   Avery:
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And I have concluded that capitalism may be flawed.
   Jack:
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My God! What are those monsters doing to her?

Jack Defers Control

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   Dr. Condi Rice's Assistant:
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Dr. Rice.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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Well look what the cat dragged in.
   Jack:
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Hello, Condi. You're looking well.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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You know, I've been to the DMZ. They have signs. Can your wife not read.
   Jack:
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Okay, we're all adults here.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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So what is it? Is she funnier than I am? She's certainly not younger is she?
   Jack:
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Condi, we're not doing this.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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Oh we ARE doing this.
   Jack:
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I'm sorry that I broke up with you by text. I'm sorry I went drinking with Karl Rove on Valentine's Day. I'm sorry that I said your favourite movie was lame.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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Mars Attacks! is awesome. Now admit that I'm better at the piano than you are at the flute.
   Jack:
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Never.

Jack Loses Face

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   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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Follow this, you turkey.
   Jack:
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All right, dammit. You are better.
   Dr. Condoleezza Rice:
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I'll see what I can do, Jack. Now get out of here before this gets weird.
   Jack:
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You're the turkey.

Liz Fights Mr. Bag

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   Liz:
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You know what, Mr. Bag? I WILL have a nice day! I'm going to hang you in your kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!
   Policeman:
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Hey! That's city property. Put the saw down.
   Liz:
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No I almost got him!
   Policeman:
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Right now! Don't think I won't tase you, all right? I've got OCD and I love doing paperwork.
   Liz:
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Ahhh! It's worth it!

The Long Goodbye

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   Jack:
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Avery?
   Avery:
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Jack! Oh thank God. I forgot the US country code but then I remembered it's number 1!
   Jack:
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How are you calling me?
   Avery:
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Nobody here's ever seen an iPhone. I told them it was my razor. I have to shave my legs with it but they have an app for that.
   Jack:
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Oh Avery I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I told you to stay.
   Avery:
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No. This is nobody's fault. Except maybe that pansy Harry Truman for not taking down this country when he had the chance.
   Jack:
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Truman!
   Avery:
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Look, my battery's dying and the outlets here are shaped weird and I don't think they have any electricity in them anyway so I don't want you to worry about me. They actually love me here. I already won a North Korean Emmy. So if I don't ever make it home...
   Jack:
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Avery don't say that. I spoke... to Condoleezza.
   Avery:
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Really? Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister?
   Jack:
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C'mon, Avery, not now. I am going to get you out of there. You are married to Jack Donaghy, dammit, and the world doesn't get to do this to us. WE control our fates! WE are in charge! [pause] Avery? Are you still there? I'm sure her battery died. Right after I finished that speech, just like I wanted it to.

The Truth

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   Tracy:
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[to random people] Smooth move, Fergusen! Ha ha ha! Smooth move, Fergusen!
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, please. Let it go. It's just a joke.
   Tracy:
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It's not about the joke. It's about what the joke represents, you monsters.
   Kenneth:
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What do you mean, sir?
   Tracy:
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I came back and you were fine without me. You LAUGHED without me, and that was our special thing! But no, you thought "smooth move, Fergusen" was SO hilarious.
   Kenneth:
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It wasn't! It wasn't funny! There, are you happy?
   Tracy:
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You dropped a bomb, K. Continue.
   Kenneth:
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We were miserable without you, Sir. "Smooth move, Fergusen" was just trying to fill a voice because Mr. Slattery's political cartoons weren't cutting it.
   Dotcom:
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I can't draw hands!
   Kenneth:
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You're the one who makes us laugh. Never go away again!
   Tracy:
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Don't ever tell me what to do! Quad hug me in the middle! Also, due to a paperwork mix up, you will not be getting paid this month!

Invictus Failure

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   Liz:
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I did it, Jack. I got the bag. You were right. No matter how much the gate is strait, or who punishes the scrolls, I am the captain of my holes! Or whatever. We are in control!
   Jack:
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No we aren't. I was wrong. Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... frowny face.
   Avery:
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[title: Live, Western Reporter Married Kim Jong-un, He's Okay With How Much Shorter She Is Than Him] Uh, I'm sorry, what's happening?
   Jack:
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They're never going to let her go. Avery's now married to Kim Jong-il's son, Kim Jong-un.
   Liz:
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What?!
   Delivery Guy:
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[drops bags off his bike which float up into Liz's tree]
   Liz:
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Nooooo! Mortality!
   Delivery Guy:
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Smooth move, Fergusen.

Glengarry Glen-il

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   Kim Jong-il:
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Put that coffee down. Coffee for closer only. I'm here from Pock and Kim. I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name Levine?
   Tracy:
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Yeah.
   Kim Jong-il:
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You call yourself a salesman you son of a bitch?
   Tracy:
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I don't have to listen to this.
   Kim Jong-il:
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No, you don't, man. Cuz the good news is you're fired! Oh, have I got your attention now?
   Tracy:
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The leads are weak!
   Kim Jong-il:
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The leads are weak!? YOU'RE weak! Luke, I am your father! Ghostbusters! Let's go, black partner.