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Kenneth:
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That's fine. Don't offer your guest anything.
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Tracy:
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Kenneth:
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Darn it. I thought we had him.
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Liz:
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Are you kidding me? [smacks Tracy in head] You have been hiding in MY apartment for the last two weeks??
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Tracy:
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What are you mad about? I'm waving the sixty thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
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Liz:
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Do you really think I really wouldn't recognize MY college futon with its trademark absence of sex stains? This is the stupidest idea you've ever had.
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Tracy:
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Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life, so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show? Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
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Liz:
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The only thing I do here is sleep.
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Tracy:
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You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
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Liz:
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Liz:
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You were the one who wrote "every kind of mustard" on my shopping list.
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Tracy:
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And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red, it says "ketchup" on it. Ah. I hear it. That's on me.
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Liz:
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Look, Tracy, I don't know why you're going crazy but I want to help. Just come back to TGS...
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Tracy:
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You don't think I want to, L.L.?
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Liz:
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Then why are you hiding? Oh, no. Did you also spill ice cream on your mom's boyfriend's record player?
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Tracy:
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As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
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Liz:
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Tracy:
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I had everything I dreamed of. Awards. Respect. Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world, and it's too much pressure. Like the time I got stuck in Temple Granite's hug machine at the Golden Globes party.
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Liz:
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You pretended to be in Africa so that no one would be disappointed in you.
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Tracy:
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I'm sorry I did this to you, half a Clemen. I had no choice. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him and I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tried of hiding. I just want my old life back.
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Liz:
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Then you need to get people to stop respecting you and start remembering what an idiot you are! You're off the leash, Tracy.
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Tracy:
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It's not a leash! It's a very long skin tag!
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Liz:
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You want your old life back? You're Tracy Jordan! Hulk Hogan called you a dirtbag! the NAACP once hired someone to kill you! You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana's funeral!
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Tracy:
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Because I wore it to their wedding! It was special to the three of us!
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Liz:
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You were the worst. And you can be again. You just have to go out there and remind people who you really are. Go... trash a hotel room, expose yourself to Elmo, visit O.J. in jail again, attack the Lincoln Memorial with a hammer.
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Tracy:
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I have to burn all my goodwill. Then they won't expect anything from me.
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Liz:
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And you can go back to your old life. And TGS.
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Tracy:
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Tracy Jordan is off the leash! [takes his shirt off and pushes over a lamp on his way out]
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Kenneth:
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