I Heart Connecticut | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

Liz Grills Tracy's Crew


	Liz:	We need to talk. Right now. We know that Tracy's not in Africa. He's hiding somewhere in New York.
	Dotcom:	What?
	Liz:	Don't play stupid, Walter.
	Kenneth:	We have ways of making people talk… by giving them fresh apple slices.
	Liz:	Listen to me very carefully. This show is my life. I need Tracy back. Where is he?
	Dotcom:	You think we don't walk him back? Do you know how much our cobra payments are? And he's the only one who knows the combination to the candy safe.
	Grizz:	The worst part is being able to see the candy.
	Liz:	All right. But if I find out you're holding out on me I will no longer allow you to use my office for your history club.
	Dotcom:	That's ironic cuz next week's topic is fascism.

The Plans


	Jack:	What about Griz and Dotcom?
	Liz:	They don't know anything. Neither does anyone Tracy's close to. His wife, Charles Barkley, Edward James Almost, who is an Edward James Olmos lookalike who Tracy is friends with.
	Jack:	Kenneth talks to Tracy on Skype, doesn't he? Just call him.
	Liz:	It doesn't work that way. Tracy only contacts Kenneth on special occasions like Bastille Day.
	Jack:	I'm going to go ahead and assume Bastille is a stripper.
	Liz:	As well you should. Now there's a chance he may call tomorrow because it's his lizard's birthday.
	Jack:	Has it really been a year since we were all at the Waldorf eating that cake made of lizard meal?
	Liz:	Yep, Jeremy's almost eleven. For now our only lead is the pizza box that we saw Tracy eating from. We traced the phone number to a pizzeria in Queens. Listen to me, I sound like Cagney and Lacey but without the slutty clothes.
	Jack:	You have to find him, Lemon. Your show works with Tracy and this morning I figured out how to fix NBC. We will only do shows that work.
	Liz:	That's nonsense.
	Jack:	Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
	Liz:	Ha!
	Jack:	So far, developing a show called Who Knows? about an investigative reporter who can't smell. Has to get the stories only using his eyes, ears, and other senses...
	Chen Tang:	You underestimated me, congressman, because I can't smell. But you made one mistake: you let me SEE the documents.
	Jack:	So from now on, no more throwing good money after bad. Only what works. Ten million developing Dad 2.0. Not on my watch.
	Robot:	Your father may be gone, but before he died he programmed me to take his place.
	Jack:	No! Shut it down! This is terrible.

Pete Gets Emasculated


	Reggie:	So what's going on? Is Tracy coming back or what?
	Pete:	Well I don't know.
	Reggie:	Well what DO you know? What do you even do?
	Pete:	I'm producer of the show.
	Reggie:	Right. That's what your wife told me in the shower this morning. [crew laughs]
	Pete:	Oh all right, well we're all having fun and it's important that we all be able to laugh together.
	Reggie:	Uh, we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you, you bald bitch. [crew laughs]
	Pete:	Yes, Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that Gypsy's kid with my car, but I am still your boss.
	Bobby Marsh:	Hey bald bitch! [mimes beside Pete] [crew laughs]
	Reggie:	Hey, that's you!
	Pete:	No, I get it.
	Reggie:	He's being you!
	Pete:	I get it, I get it! [crew keeps laughing]

Jenna's Plan C


	Jenna:	Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking. As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby dolls I was selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico. And that's caused some problems.
	Little Girl 1:	Let's just go to soccer practice now! I mean right now!
	Little Girl 2:	Yes! It's four in the morning! Let's do it!
	Little Girl 1:	We own this town!
	Jenna:	Jenna babies were my backup if TGS gets cancelled, but don't worry because I have a backup to my backup.
	Frank:	We don't ever worry about you. We don't think about you.
	Jenna:	That's right, Frank. I booked a movie. It's called "Take My Hand." It's kind of an artsy character study about a young woman who has a lot of holes drilled into her head by a deranged veterinarian named Slaughterface.
	Frank:	Oh, so you're doing a torture porn thing, like "Saw."
	Jenna:	Exactly! In fact, the producers of this movie rented Saw and watched it. So let me know if Tracy comes back. Until then I'll be in Stanford, Connecticut. We're shooting there for tax reasons. On a unrelated matter, does anyone know where I can get intimate bleaching done in Stanford, Connecticut. Anyone? [leaves at Pete enters] I'm leaving to do a movie, Pete.
	Pete:	What?! No you can't do that!
	Jenna:	That's what your wife told me in the shower this morning. Ha! [high-fives Pete in the forehead]
	Frank:	Can we order lunch from Ikea?
	Pete:	No! I'm the producer, I'm picking lunch today!
	Frank:	Okay, we'll have a contest of strength to decide who gets to pick lunch.
	Pete:	[cuts to Pete beating Frank at arm wrestling] Who's next?

The Pizza Trail


	Enzo:	Welcome to Federici's. What can I get for you guys?
	Liz:	Well, as hard as it is to believe given our apparent ages, this is my son.
	Enzo:	Seems about right.
	Liz:	Kay. Good. My son is currently studying at a local pizza academy -
	Enzo:	Really? Which one?
	Kenneth:	New.. York.. Pizza Academy.
	Enzo:	Well then I hate you. Because I'm a Pizza Academy of New York man.
	Kenneth:	Wonderful.
	Enzo:	So, what fraternity are you pledging?
	Kenneth:	I'm not. There are no fraternities at New York Pizza Academy.
	Enzo:	That's right. You correctly answered my trick question. Now I'm bound by pizza academy tradition to grant you any request.
	Liz:	Wow. This could not have gone any better.
	Kenneth:	We need to see all of your delivery receipts from the last two months.
	Enzo:	Ahhh you got that delivery receipt exam comin up, huh? What a bear. [hands over box] Here you go. Take your time. I'll be in the back trying to think of other ways to help you.
	Kenneth:	Well this is obviously a dead end. [leaves]

The Day Is Pete's!


	Pete:	[montage of arm wresting victories] [beats Toofer] [beats Cerie] Yeah! Eat your weakness! [beats Subhas while reading a magazine] [beats Jack]
	Jack:	Congratulations. According to the transitive property you just defeated Muammar Gaddafi in arm wrestling.
	Pete:	[beats Griz and Dotcom combined] Yes!
	Grizz:	This would have bothered me in my 20s.
	Toofer:	Pete! How are you so good at that?
	Pete:	I don't know. I never work out.
	Pete:	Ah! Paula! Here comes the big girl! She's got a clarinet!
	Frank:	Pete! Lunch is your pick!
	Pete:	Take out from Hooters!
	Frank:	That makes no sense!
	Pete:	We'll know they touched it!

Take My Hand Shuts Down


	Slaughterface:	No one's coming to save you.
	Jenna:	Oh God! Who are you?!
	Shawn:	Cut! I just got a text from the studio. We're shutting down production.
	Jenna:	What?
	Slaughterface:	But I turned down Carousel at the Goodspeed for this.
	Shawn:	I'm sorry, Dana, but our budget depends on getting a tax break from Connecticut, and they say we're not portraying the state in a positive light.
	Jenna:	How are we not doing that, Sean? I'm a little baffled over here.
	Shawn:	No it's.. It's just that we're spending taxpayer money saying there's a veterinarian running around Connecticut trying to make a house out of breasts for the governor to live in.
	Jenna:	But there's a positive message at the end of it: If you're a woman in Connecticut, Slaughterface WILL kill you.

Dead End


	Liz:	This must be it.
	Kenneth:	Yes ma'am. There have been several deliveries to this address of Mr. Jordan's signature order: large cheese pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man, like my hero Blinky the ghost.
	Tracy:	I hear someone coming.
	Tracy:	Well, well, well. You found me. After I ordered Thai food and gave you this address.
	Foreman:	Yeah?
	Liz:	I'm sorry. I thought my friend was living here.
	Kenneth:	And my best friend. Oh is this awkward because I'm your best friend but you're not my best friend.
	Foreman:	No, no one living here. At least not since we moved in two weeks ago.
	Kenneth:	Wait a minute. Was that stuff here when you moved in? A copy of Black Yachts magazine and a Rubik's cube that has been smashed out of anger! Mr. Jordan was here!
	Liz:	So what, Kenneth? These guys have been here for two weeks. Tracy could be anywhere. We're never going to find him, TGS is going to get canceled and then what? Can I work here? I'll do anything. I'll get in my bra and you could throw nails at me! I'll dance for you!
	Kenneth:	Miss Lemon! Don't panic. We have other options. For instance... [yells] Mr. Jordan where are you? Come back! For the love of God come back or we'll die!

Jack's Plan In Action


	Jenna:	Jack, can we talk? One ten to another?
	Jack:	I'm an eleven, but continue.
	Jenna:	Me, my ass double, and a drill that once appeared on Home Improvement are currently starring in a feature film called Take My Hand.
	Jack:	Really? Years ago Universal had a project by that name. It was a romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon and Patrick Dempsey.
	Jenna:	Reese Witherspoon's just a likable version of me.
	Jack:	Then she dropped out and it was rewritten as a buddy comedy with Dempsey and Josh Hartnet but everyone fell asleep during the table read, so we moved it over to Telemundo where they tried to turn it into a variety show hosted by a supermodel and a soccer ball with a mustache.
	Jenna:	I met that soccer ball once at a no-hands-allowed sex party.
	Jack:	Then after another round of rewrites it was picked up by our low-budget-thriller/high-budget-porno-division Spider Flicks and now it's a horror movie starring "any blonde actress."
	Jenna:	Thank you.
	Jack:	Wait. That's OUR project? This is exactly what I was talking to Lemon about. Three years, millions on rewrites, $20,000 on first class flights for the drill, and we still have nothing to show for it.
	Jenna:	And we never will. We just got shut down because Connecticut's being a douchebag. They won't give us a tax break unless the movie promotes tourism.
	Jack:	Then we make the movie pro-Connecticut. We are not losing any more money on Take My Hand.
	Jenna:	Okay. We just need to hire some of those ugly people who have the paper and change the shapes on it.
	Jack:	Writers?
	Jack:	No. We'll do the work ourselves.
	Jenna:	[takes Jack's scotch and downs it] Meet me in my dressing room. I'll get a computer from one of the ugly people.
	Jack:	And I'll bring the world's greatest encyclopedia: my mind.

Pete Mans Up


	Reggie:	Hey, is that a to do list? Cuz if your wife's on there I've already taken care of her.
	Pete:	I challenge you to the wrestling of arms!
	Reggie:	What?
	Pete:	Arm wrestling. On the stage. Midnight. In front of everyone.
	Reggie:	How about tomorrow? Seems like it'd be more convenient for people.
	Pete:	I'll meet you any time, any where. I just have to work around a PTA meeting at five I can't miss because this week... I'm snack dad.

Liz' Failure


	Jack:	Lemon, you look terrible. And I once watched you eat oysters while you had a cold.
	Liz:	We had him, Jack, and we lost him. So Kenneth and I had to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun and shot a blimp.
	Jack:	Well tomorrow's another day so go home, have a glass of wine and watch a show about wedding cake disasters.
	Liz:	I can't go home, Jack. TGS goes away if I don't find Tracy. I'm going to wait up and hope that he calls his lizard.
	Jack:	Did you make sure that Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
	Liz:	Yes. There was some confusion and I ended up punching the real Levar Burton. I'm going to get Jeremy. I hope he's not still in heat. He has got my top off before.

Rewrites


	Jack:	Here you go.
	Jenna:	Did you know that Connecticut is home to the oldest public library in the United States.
	Jack:	Huh. Could you use that to motivate Slaughterface sewing the sheriff's mouth to his own anus?
	Jack:	Of course. Elegent. Uh, should Vaginatorium be capitalized?

Pete Feels For Him


	Pete:	Oh! I cannot WAIT to humiliate that guy in front of all of his meat head buddies.
	Frank:	You're like a new man, Pete!
	Pete:	Yeah I am. Last night I had sex with Paula and neither of us was wearing a Walkman.
	Frank:	Ha ha! Yeah. [stops as they see Reggie with his wife and kid]
	Reggie:	Why are you picking him up now? I'm supposed to have him untill the weekend.
	Stephanie:	Shane wanted to come home. Cuz his dad's a loser. Did your show get cancelled yet?
	Reggie:	We don't know, Stephanie. We're waiting for Tracy to Skype with Liz and Jeremy the lizard.
	Stephanie:	You're a joke. David is taking us all to Outback Steakhouse and we're getting appetizers cuz David can afford them.
	Reggie:	Well of course he can, Mr. Bigshot Pet Photographer! I hope he can sleep at night!
	Pete:	I never thought I'd feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a Leprechaun vomiting on a book.

More Profit Opportunities


	Slaughterface:	No one's coming to save you. Because we're deep inside one of Connecticut's thirty beautiful state forests. Thirty!
	Jenna:	Oh please! Don't kill me. I still haven't tried the famous seafood pizza at Sully's in Newhaven.
	Shawn:	And cut! Ah! Great, all right. Let's move on to the scene where Slaughterface centipedes Jenna to the docent of the Danbury Railway Museum.
	Jack:	Hold on! I just spoke to Walmart. They sponsor wholesome TV programming and I've convinced them to get into the movie business. They will partially fund this project if we make it family friendly.
	Slaughterface:	I can never find stuff to watch with my kids. Thank you, Walmart!
	Jack:	This production will be profitable. Jenna, to your dressing room to write.
	Jenna:	It begins with the words!

Pete's Oath


	Pete:	Reggie. I need to show you something. [takes off his shirt]
	Reggie:	Whoa! Is that your deltoid?
	Pete:	I'm going to beat you, Reggie. But I don't want to. I saw you in the lobby talking to Stephanie and Shane about David and appetizers. Look, I know what it's like for your kids think you're a loser which is why I'm going to throw the match.
	Reggie:	Wow. You would do that for me. You know what your wife told me in the shower this morning? You're a good guy.

Tracy Senses a Trap


	Kenneth:	Oh, Miss Lemon! Wake up, it's him!
	Liz:	Okay this is it, Parcell. We got to keep Tracy on the line to draw him out. Don't spook him. Act normal.
	Kenneth:	Hello! I'm a baby!
	Liz:	What are you doing?!
	Kenneth:	I don't know! You got in my head!
	Tracy:	Hang on. Something's not right. Why is Jeremy acting so weird. I don't like this.
	Liz:	Hey! Tracy, don't hang up.
	Tracy:	Uh oh. Jeremy. Call me when you're alone.
	Kenneth:	I'm sorry Miss Lemon.
	Liz:	Don't be. I know where he is.

More Rewrites


	Slaughterface:	Merry Christmas!
	Jenna:	I practice abstinence. [with Slaughterface] Connecticut!
	Slaughterface:	[with Jenna] Connecticut!
	Jack:	We're not done yet. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Phil Rosenthal, the creator of the acclaimed show Everybody Loves Raymond.
	Phil Rosenthal:	Last great sitcom, still does a three-four share in syndication. I do okay. I have a refrigerator that's just for soda so I-
	Jack:	Anyway, Phil is interested in getting in to acting.
	Phil Rosenthal:	I got the bug.
	Jack:	And has offered to pay us five million dollars to be in the movie.
	Phil Rosenthal:	I'll rewrite the part myself.
	Jack:	You know what, why don't we just get one as written and then we'll play with it? You are a guest here, Phil.
	Jenna:	Hello, Phil.
	Phil Rosenthal:	Oh.
	Jenna:	I never heard back about my audition for Everybody Loves Raymond. I'd wondered if you'd made a decision.
	Phil Rosenthal:	Yeah, fifteen years ago. We went with Doris Roberts. But thank you for tying your head shot around a brick and throwing it through my window.

The Dream Ends


	Bobby Marsh:	Ah, bald bitch, go ahead.
	Reggie:	Thanks for doing this. I convinced my ex to drop off my kid so he could see me being a winner. [looks at his cheering kid] You rock. No one's going to know that you did this. Or that you're actually stronger than me.
	Pete:	It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm doing the right thing. That's real strength. [ref blows whistle] [Pete lets Reggie win to cheers of the crowd, then opens his eyes to see Frank has just beaten him]
	Frank:	Ha! I beat you! We're getting lunch from Ikea! Ikea! Ikea! Ikea! Ikea! Ikea!

The Confrontation


	Kenneth:	That's fine. Don't offer your guest anything.
	Tracy:	Wax statue!
	Kenneth:	Darn it. I thought we had him.
	Liz:	Are you kidding me? [smacks Tracy in head] You have been hiding in MY apartment for the last two weeks??
	Tracy:	What are you mad about? I'm waving the sixty thousand dollars you owe me in appearance fees.
	Liz:	Do you really think I really wouldn't recognize MY college futon with its trademark absence of sex stains? This is the stupidest idea you've ever had.
	Tracy:	Really? Think about it. TGS is your whole life, so where's the last place you would be if you were out trying to save your show? Home! Life lesson from an unlikely source.
	Liz:	The only thing I do here is sleep.
	Tracy:	You're having a dream. Is this your only mustard?
	Liz:	Huh? Wha? Yeah.
	Liz:	You were the one who wrote "every kind of mustard" on my shopping list.
	Tracy:	And yet you still don't have the one I'm thinking of. It's red, it says "ketchup" on it. Ah. I hear it. That's on me.
	Liz:	Look, Tracy, I don't know why you're going crazy but I want to help. Just come back to TGS...
	Tracy:	You don't think I want to, L.L.?
	Liz:	Then why are you hiding? Oh, no. Did you also spill ice cream on your mom's boyfriend's record player?
	Tracy:	As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
	Liz:	Just keep going.
	Tracy:	I had everything I dreamed of. Awards. Respect. Justin Long's autograph. But I also got expectations. People thought I could change the world, and it's too much pressure. Like the time I got stuck in Temple Granite's hug machine at the Golden Globes party.
	Liz:	You pretended to be in Africa so that no one would be disappointed in you.
	Tracy:	I'm sorry I did this to you, half a Clemen. I had no choice. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him and I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tried of hiding. I just want my old life back.
	Liz:	Then you need to get people to stop respecting you and start remembering what an idiot you are! You're off the leash, Tracy.
	Tracy:	It's not a leash! It's a very long skin tag!
	Liz:	You want your old life back? You're Tracy Jordan! Hulk Hogan called you a dirtbag! the NAACP once hired someone to kill you! You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana's funeral!
	Tracy:	Because I wore it to their wedding! It was special to the three of us!
	Liz:	You were the worst. And you can be again. You just have to go out there and remind people who you really are. Go... trash a hotel room, expose yourself to Elmo, visit O.J. in jail again, attack the Lincoln Memorial with a hammer.
	Tracy:	I have to burn all my goodwill. Then they won't expect anything from me.
	Liz:	And you can go back to your old life. And TGS.
	Tracy:	Tracy Jordan is off the leash! [takes his shirt off and pushes over a lamp on his way out]
	Kenneth:	God speed, Mr. Jordan.

Epilogue


	Phil Rosenthal:	I'm the hero cop and I'm here to say "Don't do drugs" is what I'm here to say.
	Jenna:	I can't believe that amazing rap is available now on iTunes!
	Liz:	Are you kidding? No one's going to pay to see that.
	Jack:	It doesn't matter. It's already profitable. It works, Lemon.
	Voice Over:	To vote for Phil Rosenthal text "PHIL" to 62288.
	Liz:	"Vote?" For what? Isn't this supposed to be a movie?
	Jack:	Again, it doesn't matter. People will just do it and we get $0.99 a text.
	Liz:	Well I am not letting Rosenthal win. I am voting for the muppet.
	Voice Over:	To vote for Liz Lemon, text "LIZ" to 62288.

I Heart Connecticut [ Season 5 | Episode: 19 ] - Episode. Explained.