|
|
|
|
Liz:
|
Last night a repulsive act occurred at a hotel in mid-town. There are two possible explanations as to how this... event came to be. A simple one and a complex one. The simple explanation is that I went to a discotheque and a handsome, interesting man fell for me. In the wake of my breakup I allowed myself to have an experience that gave me reason to be hopeful about the future again. Very simple.
|
|
|
Jack:
|
Uh, great, I think we're done here.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
Please, monsieur! There remains, of course, the complex explanation. A vast conspiracy involving multiple agents and precise coordinated efforts. A conspiracy that begins with the timely food poisoning of Donna Straunk. And who here has access to Donna's food.
|
|
|
Kenneth:
|
[flashback to Kenneth poisoning Donna's food with a green powder out of a false ring]
|
|
|
Liz:
|
The second peculiar event: I lose my license, allowing it to be found by a handsome stranger. Serindipity? Perhaps. But how does one lose one's license out of a malfunction-proof Velcro Philly Sport wallet? Someone must have had access to my fanny pack.
|
|
|
Pete:
|
|
|
|
Liz:
|
Then why is my ibuprofen bottle still sealed?
|
|
|
Kenneth:
|
|
|
|
Pete:
|
[flashback to Pete going into Liz's mini-fridge, removing wallet from fanny pack, taking license and,,, a twenty dollar bill]
|
|
|
Liz:
|
And then there's the matter of the wine. Four glasses and yet I was wide awake. Was my uncharacteristic energy perhaps due to the giddiness of the evening, or was someone slipping me black market organ-slimming pills?
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
|
|
|
Liz:
|
[holds up hand] Kchha! The conspiracy continues. What pushed me out of the club when I was wavering about leaving with Anders?
|
|
|
Liz:
|
[flashback] [to Anders] Yeah, I came here with my friend, so I'm just going to stay here.
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
|
|
|
Sue:
|
[flashback] [touches nose in acknowledgement] [breaks chair over Lutz] [head butts Toofer] [sits on Lutz, punching him in the face]
|
|
|
Liz:
|
[pulls down Sue's sleeve revealing cast] [everyone gasps] [wipes makeup off Lutz' face, revealing black eye]
|
|
|
Lutz:
|
What, this? I got hit by a bird on a roller coaster.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
Even the club was strange. Almost it had been designed specifically for me, but who has the resources and the connections to create a Liz Lemon-themed club in one day? [flips over white board with CANAL YARDS PROJECT in magnetic letter, which she rearranges to spell TRACY JORDANS PLACE]
|
|
|
Dotcom:
|
You had to sign your crime, didn't you?
|
|
|
Grizz:
|
You're the one who gave me those Monk DVDs.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
And what was the final straw? It was Anders saying "it's never too late... for now." A coincidence that I took as a sign from the universe.
|
|
|
Frank:
|
Also it's just a great song. That Pete wrote.
|
|
|
Pete:
|
Thanks man. Sound Mound rocks the town.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
Hey shut up, both of you. So how did Anders even know that phrase? How did Anders seem to know everything about me?
|
|
|
Jack:
|
[flashback to Jack's office] [TV has bullet points: Star Wars, Fried Food, Bagging on Movies, Malarkey] It's white wine, ice cubes, and Sprite. She calls it "funky juice."
|
|
|
Anders:
|
[flashback to Jack's office] I don't know if I want to do this.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
There's only one question I can't answer: Who was Anders? An old Harvard chum of Toofer's? The son of one of Jack's senator friends?
|
|
|
Jack:
|
He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute that Martha Stewart recommended to me.
|
|
|
Liz:
|
And that... is the complex explanation. [everyone looks guilty] Of course, such a conspiracy would require a group of people who knew me so well and cared about my happiness so much that it's impossible to believe. No one could even be that lucky. Which is why I choose the simple explanation. I choose to believe that last night Liz Lemon went out, got some, and and felt good about it. And so I say good bye to spinsterhood. [releases Emily Dickinson] Good bye to giving up and to- Oh God. A hawk got her! Emily Dickinson!
|
