It's Never Too Late for Now    [ Season 5 | Episode: 15 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Declaration of Spinsterhood

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   Liz:
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Listen up, everyone. I have an announcement to make. As you may have heard, Carol and I broke up last week.
   Jenna:
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Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail... it's being held up by a chip clip!
   Liz:
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Because I'm giving up, Jenna. I did the math. How many times does a woman meet Mr. Right? I've had three chances: Floyd, then Carol, and I was once in an elevator with Tom Brokaw. And I blew all three. Opportunities! So I am making my graceful transition into spinsterhood. I have adopted this cat, named her Emily Dickinson. [writers groan] Named her Emily Dickinson!
   Jack:
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[enters] Lemon, a word? Hang on. Recent breakup. Fanny pack. Cat. Quick, who's the lead character on NCIS?
   Liz:
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Special agent Jethro Gibbs.
   Jack:
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In your office, now.
   Liz:
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What's the point, Jack? I'm done. I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and I bought a cemetery plot. I also joined a book club at the senior's center near my home. We're reading Murder on the Orient Express.
   Jack:
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You know there's a movie of that, right?
   Liz:
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I did not. [throws book in garbage]
   Jack:
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I want to help you, Lemon, but this is not the week. Avery's maternity was cut short so she could go cover the collapse of Greece's banking system. Since inventing democracy those guys have been... coasting.
   Liz:
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So you're all alone with baby Liz?
   Jack:
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We're calling her Liddy. After Liddy Dole, G. Gordon Liddy, and my martial arts instructor Lid E. In addition I have a huge presentation coming up. Meeting Magazine is already calling it "The First Great Meeting of the Decade." I have to be at my best. I am negotiating NBC's licensing fees with Kabletown.
   Liz:
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But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? That seems like a pretty big conflict of interest. Why would the government even allow that merger?
   Jack:
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It's okay. Don't worry. You just keep watching Bridalplasty.
   Liz:
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Alissena died last week.
   Jack:
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[checks cell phone] Oh dammit I didn't leave my baby nurse her check this morning. I have to go back home and pay her.
   Liz:
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Right now?
   Jack:
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It's complicated. These women run your household so you have to keep them happy which means not saying anything as your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas. But as soon as I'm out of the woods, Lemon, I'll take care of this... latest... dysfunction.
   Liz:
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There's nothing to take care of, Jack. Watch this. I can fit Emily Dickinson's whole head in my mouth.

Birth of Sound Mound

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   Frank:
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Oh, hey Pete. What's up?
   Pete:
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Well, nobody told the musical guest that Tracy's in Africa so all their instruments got delivered even though there's no show. Rock stars, man. People screaming your name, hot women throwing themselves at you...
   Frank:
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Living on a bus.
   Pete:
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Ha. I had all that once. For three months back in the early 80s.
   Frank:
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Really? What band were you in?
   Pete:
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[flashback to Pete playing guitar in a band in a band] Everybody's working for the weekend!
   Frank:
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What?!
   Pete:
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Yeah, I was in Loverboy. But then I had to choose between staying in the band or taking that college scholarship to study TV budgeting. I made my choice. That part of my life is over.
   Frank:
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Hey, it's never too late.
   Pete:
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What did you just say? [starts playing guitar and singing] It's never too late. It's never too late for now. [Frank joins him on keyboard] Yesterday's dreams are gone, but today I'm singing this song. [joined by Frank] Cuz it's never too late, it's never too late for now.
   Frank:
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We need to start a band.
   Pete:
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I think we just did.

Failed Negotiation

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   Jack:
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[writing a check] I'm sorry you had to wait for this, Sherry. I hope there was enough shark meet in the refrigerator for one of your sandwiches.
   Sherry:
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[looks unimpressed]
   Jack:
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Hold on. This is the same amount I was paying you when you worked full-time, uh, and now you're just working nights.
   Sherry:
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It's me only rate.
   Jack:
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You understand my confusion. I'm actually paying you more money to be here half the time.
   Sherry:
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[starts eating an orange]
   Jack:
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I'm not saying that what you do isn't important. Avery and I appreciate you and Liddy just adores you, but let's just say you're at the market buying potatoes, and that ten pound bag of potatoes costs... four hundred dollars. But then the... grocery concierge tells you that a five pound bag of potatoes costs four hundred dollars, well that would be shocking, right? Because a five pound bag should only cost two hundred dollars.
   Sherry:
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[looks unimpressed]
   Jack:
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What I'm saying is that we value what you do but this rate is, uh... unreasonable.
   Sherry:
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[continues eating orange] So. What you wanna do?
   Jack:
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Ahhhh... I want to resolve this, uh... fairly and amicably. And I don't want any bad blood. So... It- It was nice negotiating with you and, uh, here is all of your money. [hands her the cheque]
   Sherry:
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[looks unimpressed, takes cheque, and leaves]

Entrenched Spinsterhood

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   Hercule Poirot:
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[Murder on the Orient Express on TV] A repulsive murderer has been murdered.
   Liz:
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[picks up photo of her and Carol then puts it face down]
   Hercule Poirot:
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[on TV] But in which of the two ways that I have suggested? In the simpler way, by the Mafioso disguised as a wagon-lit conductor?
   Liz:
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[picks up photo of her and Emily Dickinson and shows it to her]
   Hercule Poirot:
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[on TV] Or in the more complex way that I have just-
   Jenna:
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[bursts in] Liz, enough! [turns off TV] I am not going to just sit and watch you plummet into spinsterhood!
   Liz:
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Why are you talking so fast?
   Jenna:
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Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth. Which is something my body needs anyway! Listen, I'm not going to let you wallow like this. I am taking you out so you can rebound. Sexually.
   Liz:
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What? No!
   Jenna:
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Now, when I'm rebounding I like to do it with an NBA player because, well it's fun word play and... they're mean.
   Liz:
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Well, thank you for that... disgusting offer, but I will be in editing all night putting together the Best of Tracy Jordan to replace this week's show, so can't go out, too bad.
   Jenna:
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Well I'm not giving up. I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert and I won't now.
   Liz:
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[gives her a quizzical look]
   Jenna:
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No judgement, Liz. Mr. Roberts thought I was dead.

First Take

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   Pete:
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[singing with Frank in sound booth] It's never too late for now! Two, three... It's never too late-
   Liz:
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There you are!
   Frank:
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Great, you just ruined a really boss take.
   Pete:
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We're recording a song called "It's Never Too Late For Now." It's about that delicious little mystery I call "life."
   Liz:
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Oh my God that sucks. Come on, we've got to go to editing.
   Pete:
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No, I'm not going to editing. I'm in here shredding away like a righteous axe-master! And my arthritis is acting up. Do you have any ibuprofen?
   Liz:
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Och, my fanny pack is in my office. In my mini-fridge.
   Pete:
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[quizzical look]
   Liz:
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I like my tampons to be cold! I'll be downstairs. [leaves]
   Frank:
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Wait. Hornberger, Rossitano? Why is your name first?
   Pete:
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It's alphabetical? So what?
   Frank:
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So I'm the one who said "it's never too late." I invented that!
   Pete:
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We'll make it up at the Grammy's. I talk! Not you!

Turning Points

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   Tracy:
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[on editing monitor] Welcome to Brokeback Mountain.
   Jenna:
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[on editing monitor] You need to go back, Marty!
   Liz:
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[answers phone] This is Loz. Liz. This is Liz.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I am supposed to represent NBC in a negotiation that Rex Belcher of the American Journal of Meetings rated "four chairs." Four!
   Liz:
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I'm sorry, is that another magazine about meetings?
   Jack:
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Meanwhile I just got worked over by my Trinidadian night nurse. I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. I spoke first, I smiles, I negotiated with myself. If I had done that during a mock negotiation in business school, Professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class. Bare bottomed.
   Liz:
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Okay, but it's harder with someone like a nanny, right? There's an emotional component. She takes care of your baby.
   Jack:
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Lemon, you had just a structural analytic insight. Professor Widmer would have given you a "good job" spanking!
   Liz:
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What is "business school"?
   Jack:
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The reason Sherry can manipulate me is because she has leverage. Eight pounds of screaming, toothless, soft-skulled leverage. Liddy loves Sherry, and Sherry assumes I love Liddy.
   Liz:
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But you do, right?
   Jack:
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Yes. But Sherry can't prove that I love Liddy, so I renegotiate under new conditions, specifically that I hate my newborn daughter.
   Liz:
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Wow, Jack, I could never pretend to hate my beautiful baby daughter Emily Dickinson the cat.
   Jack:
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Oh boy.
   Liz:
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[hangs up]
   Donna Straunk:
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Uh oh. I don't' feel so good. I think maybe I have food poisoning.
   Liz:
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Really? Cuz I've never had a problem ordering from American Sub Restaurant Very Clean Come In.
   Donna Straunk:
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I'm sorry. Could you just, um, leave your notes. I'll come in early tomorrow to finish. [leaves]
   Jenna:
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I guess this means you're free tonight after all.
   Liz:
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Och! Where did you come from?
   Jenna:
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It's a trick I developed to catch people talking about me behind my back. Did you know everyone thinks I'm insane? Now you have no excuse to stay in.
   Liz:
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Och, come on! No! Jenna, you know how much I hate clubs and dance halls and odeons. They're all malarkey.
   Jenna:
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Okay, what if I promise to find a place you like?
   Liz:
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And if I don't like it I can leave?
   Jenna:
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Yes. If you don't like it you can leave. This isn't Eric Roberts' teepee.

Failed Negotiation II

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   Jack:
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Sherry! Excellent. I've been thinking about our conversation earlier. It occurs to me that you are laboring under a fatal misapprehension. You think you have leverage over me, but you don't. I don't care about the baby. I've only known her for a few weeks and other than a fondness for Avery's breasts, Liddy and I have nothing in common. She is one of two people ever to have thrown up on me and I haven't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras. What's more, I don't think Liddy looks like me, so evolutionarily that makes me want to eat her. In other words, either you take a pay cut or go and look for another job. Who has the leverage now, Sherry? Your move.
   Liddy:
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[starts crying on baby monitor]
   Sherry:
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[goes to leave]
   Jack:
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Please stay. I'll send everyone in your family to college.
   Sherry:
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Mmm hmm. [unbuttons jacket]

The Game is Afoot

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   Jenna:
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So, soft music, ample seating, and I know how much you like clearly marked fire exits.
   Liz:
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Don't worry, I'll find something to hate. Oh, okay, here we go, this sucks. [picks up menu] This place is called Canal Yards Project? What does that mean?
   Jenna:
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I don't know, it used to be a factory or something.
   Liz:
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Nope. Hipster nonsense, I'm out.
   Jenna:
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No, you are no leaving because of the name. [to bartender] Excuse me, can I order two diet Cranberry Beach Bangs please?
   Bartender:
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You got it. [to Liz] I'm going to need to see your ID, miss.
   Liz:
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How about this for ID? I participated in Hands Across America. [searches wallet] Nerds, where is it? Okay. My license is missing which is my cue to go home.
   Anders:
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Excuse me, is this yours? [holding up license]
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, thanks.
   Anders:
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I recognized your hair from across the room. What is that? Is that chestnut?
   Liz:
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Oh the color is actually called "Grandfather's Shoe."
   Anders:
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Uh, can I get you a drink? I'm having white wine with ice cubes and Sprite.
   Liz:
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That's my drink! I keep a thermos of it by my toilet! You misheard me.
   Anders:
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Okay. [to bartender] Uh, excuse me. Can I get two more of these, please.
   Jenna:
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[sneaks off]
   Anders:
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So, did they make your droids wait outside too?
   Liz:
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Seriously! Why can't droid go into the cantina? I mean, Ponda Baba can try to shoot Luke-
   Anders:
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But a protocol droid is somehow a problem.
   Liz:
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[smiles and takes off coat]

Sound Mound Breaks Up

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   Frank:
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[from recording] Castles fall into the sand, could this really be God's plan, or is it never too late, it's never too late for now!
   Frank:
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[stops playback]
   Pete:
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Why can't I hear my vocals?
   Frank:
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I just mixed them down a little. I think it sounds better.
   Pete:
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Oh really? Do YOU think that, or does SHE? [points to Yuki]
   Frank:
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This has nothing to do with Yuki! This is about making MY song-
   Pete:
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YOUR song?! All right, you know what? Forget it! Sound Mound is finished! Which means I now have five thousand t-shirts to un-order.
   Cerie:
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[comes in holding box] Pete? Like, twenty of these just came in for you.
   Pete:
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Dammit!

The Universe and Liz

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   Anders:
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I'm having a really nice time with you, Liz.
   Liz:
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Me too, Anders. I like how you don't have one weird little tooth.
   Anders:
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Thank you. Look, I was going to going to go back to my hotel room, get Eat Pray Love on SpectraVision and make fun of it...
   Liz:
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Ugh, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley, somebody who knows what she's doing.
   Anders:
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Come on. Let's go.
   Liz:
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Oh boy. That does sound fun, but I really shouldn't. I came here with my friend, so... I'm just going to stay here.
   Anders:
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[to the sounds of fighting] A fight? Typical night club malarky. [a chair flies by] Whoa! [grabs Liz and leaves]
   Anders:
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You okay?
   Liz:
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My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's farewell season. [looks into Anders' eyes] Och, I thought the stupid universe was telling me to get a cat and be a spinster and now I don't know. What's it trying to tell me with you?
   Anders:
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Liz, look. I don't believe in signs or messages from the universe. You know what I do believe? It's never too late for now.
   Pete:
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[background music swells with Pete and Frank singing] It's never, it's never, it's never, it's never, it's never too late! It's never too late for now!
   Anders:
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[kisses Liz]

Jack's New Weapon

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   Jack:
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Every day we give you a hundred dollars for cab fare home. Do you realize what you're doing to me, Sherry? You're unravelling the very fabric of who I am. I negotiate for a living, and I never lose. And now I have to go negotiate with my colleagues at Kabletown after having been reamed by a woman wearing Winnie the Pooh hospital pants. I don't have what you have, Sherry. A brand new baby that they've poured time and money and love into. Some helpless, pathetic, useless thing that would die if left alo- Oh God, I do have that. I have NBC!

Jack's New Weapon In Play

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   Clark:
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Look, broadcast networks receiving licensing fees is unprecedented, Jack. But we're willing to offer NBC ten percent of what we pay cable.
   Jack:
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[looks unimpressed and starts eating orange]
   Clark:
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I mean, okay, uh, not to negotiate against myself, but... I get where you guys are coming from.
   Jack:
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Mmm hmm.
   Clark:
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Look, NBC's part of the Kabletown family now. It's our baby, and we want it to thrive. But your offer is.. it's unreasonable!
   Jack:
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[continues eating orange] So. What you wanna do?

Everyone Wins

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   Liz:
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[arrives wearing same clothes as the night before]
   Frank:
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Oh, way to go Liz! [starts clapping and everyone else joins in]
   Pete:
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Atta girl! Walk of shame!
   Sue:
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You bow-legged bitch! [high fives Liz]
   Liz:
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[walks into her office] Ah, I see you opened the scotch NBC sent us that week we came in third. I'm guessing your meeting went well.
   Jack:
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Home run, Lemon. And speaking of baseball metaphors I see that someone got to first base which is what I consider sex with a stranger.
   Liz:
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Okay fine, I had a one night stand, and it was not the worst. And maybe you're right. I shouldn't give up just yet.
   Jack:
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[cheers with Jack, drinks, and makes face, then pours her glass into Jack's]
   Liz:
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Still, I can't believe I did that. And I wouldn't have if everything hadn't gone so perfectly. I mean what if I had been stuck in the edit room all night or I hated the club and left, or what if Anders - yeah, "Anders" - hadn't found my license.
   Jack:
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Don't over-think it, Lemon. Stranger things happen every day. I once saw an Internet video of a mouse and a bird... that are friends. Don't over-think it. [leaves]
   Liz:
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[goes to close door and sees Jack and the writers congratulating each other] [looks at her Murder on the Orient Express DVD] Gasp.

Hercule Lemon's Confrontation

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   Liz:
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Last night a repulsive act occurred at a hotel in mid-town. There are two possible explanations as to how this... event came to be. A simple one and a complex one. The simple explanation is that I went to a discotheque and a handsome, interesting man fell for me. In the wake of my breakup I allowed myself to have an experience that gave me reason to be hopeful about the future again. Very simple.
   Jack:
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Uh, great, I think we're done here.
   Liz:
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Please, monsieur! There remains, of course, the complex explanation. A vast conspiracy involving multiple agents and precise coordinated efforts. A conspiracy that begins with the timely food poisoning of Donna Straunk. And who here has access to Donna's food.
   Kenneth:
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[flashback to Kenneth poisoning Donna's food with a green powder out of a false ring]
   Liz:
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The second peculiar event: I lose my license, allowing it to be found by a handsome stranger. Serindipity? Perhaps. But how does one lose one's license out of a malfunction-proof Velcro Philly Sport wallet? Someone must have had access to my fanny pack.
   Pete:
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I only wanted ibuprofen!
   Liz:
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Then why is my ibuprofen bottle still sealed?
   Kenneth:
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[gasps and applauds]
   Pete:
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[flashback to Pete going into Liz's mini-fridge, removing wallet from fanny pack, taking license and,,, a twenty dollar bill]
   Liz:
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And then there's the matter of the wine. Four glasses and yet I was wide awake. Was my uncharacteristic energy perhaps due to the giddiness of the evening, or was someone slipping me black market organ-slimming pills?
   Jenna:
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Liz, I wouldn't-
   Liz:
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[holds up hand] Kchha! The conspiracy continues. What pushed me out of the club when I was wavering about leaving with Anders?
   Liz:
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[flashback] [to Anders] Yeah, I came here with my friend, so I'm just going to stay here.
   Jenna:
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[flashback] [tugs ear]
   Sue:
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[flashback] [touches nose in acknowledgement] [breaks chair over Lutz] [head butts Toofer] [sits on Lutz, punching him in the face]
   Liz:
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[pulls down Sue's sleeve revealing cast] [everyone gasps] [wipes makeup off Lutz' face, revealing black eye]
   Lutz:
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What, this? I got hit by a bird on a roller coaster.
   Liz:
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Even the club was strange. Almost it had been designed specifically for me, but who has the resources and the connections to create a Liz Lemon-themed club in one day? [flips over white board with CANAL YARDS PROJECT in magnetic letter, which she rearranges to spell TRACY JORDANS PLACE]
   Dotcom:
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You had to sign your crime, didn't you?
   Grizz:
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You're the one who gave me those Monk DVDs.
   Liz:
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And what was the final straw? It was Anders saying "it's never too late... for now." A coincidence that I took as a sign from the universe.
   Frank:
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Also it's just a great song. That Pete wrote.
   Pete:
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Thanks man. Sound Mound rocks the town.
   Liz:
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Hey shut up, both of you. So how did Anders even know that phrase? How did Anders seem to know everything about me?
   Jack:
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[flashback to Jack's office] [TV has bullet points: Star Wars, Fried Food, Bagging on Movies, Malarkey] It's white wine, ice cubes, and Sprite. She calls it "funky juice."
   Anders:
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[flashback to Jack's office] I don't know if I want to do this.
   Liz:
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There's only one question I can't answer: Who was Anders? An old Harvard chum of Toofer's? The son of one of Jack's senator friends?
   Jack:
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He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute that Martha Stewart recommended to me.
   Liz:
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And that... is the complex explanation. [everyone looks guilty] Of course, such a conspiracy would require a group of people who knew me so well and cared about my happiness so much that it's impossible to believe. No one could even be that lucky. Which is why I choose the simple explanation. I choose to believe that last night Liz Lemon went out, got some, and and felt good about it. And so I say good bye to spinsterhood. [releases Emily Dickinson] Good bye to giving up and to- Oh God. A hawk got her! Emily Dickinson!

Sound Mound Triumphant

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   Pete:
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Cuz she's a weekend lady, she's got that weekend style. Temperature's rising, she's gonna make you smile. [with Frank] Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, uh uh uh. Friday, Saturday, kind of Sunday and holiday Mondays, uh huh huh! Cuz she's a weekend woman! Gonna make her mine! Gonna make it the weekend all the time! Weekend woman! [song credits: Sound Mound, 'Weekend Woman', Parents Suck (2011), Dir: Walter 'Dotcom' Slattery, Super Speedy Records (No Refunds)]