Let's Stay Together | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

Vertical Integration


	Liz:	Look at this. [holding up a sign reading F. KRUGER] The writers put it on my door.
	Jack:	I don't know what that's referring to.
	Liz:	It's referring to this ONE time that I got a chemical peel before work. And I was wearing a red and green sweater. And a fedora. But these douche-b's have been doing this for weeks.
	Jack:	Lez Lemon.
	Liz:	First thought.
	Jack:	Winona Rider in a hundred years.
	Liz:	Weak!
	Jack:	Fart Barfunkel.
	Liz:	Indian food.
	Jack:	Paul Simon.
	Liz:	I don't get that, but it hurts. Look, I love a good joke, but I am their boss and at a certain point it crosses a line. To quote Rodney Dangerfield, "Hey.. I.. " "Hey I uhhh..." Nah.. let's see.. "Hey I-"
	Jack:	Lemon, if you were about to say that you don't get any respect, you're right. I mean, in a post-apocalyptic world, how would society even USE you?
	Liz:	Travelling bard.
	Jack:	Radiation canary. I have to run, Lemon, I have an appointment in Washington.
	Jack:	The hearings on the Kabletown-NBC deal are underway, and the company has entrusted me to be their front man.
	Liz:	Hey, will you ask Congress where they put the USA Network? I've been trying to find "Monk" for like three months.
	Jack:	The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
	Liz:	What's vertical integration?
	Jack:	Imagine that your favourite corn chip manufacturer also owned the number one diarrhea medication.
	Liz:	That'd be great cuz then they could put a little sample of the medication in each bag.
	Jack:	Keep thinking.
	Liz:	Except then they might be tempted to make the corn chips GIVE you...
	Jack:	Vertical integration.
	Liz:	Wow, that should not be allowed to happen.
	Jack:	But it's my job to make sure that it DOES happen. Do you know who gets elected to Congress these days? Former athletes, washed-up actors, and uh... women. I'm locked and loaded and ready for whatever these beltway lobotomites throw at me.
	Jonathan:	What if we have to stay overnight and there aren't enough rooms so we have to SHARE a room and I forgot to bring a shirt to sleep in and the stores are all closed --

Johnny Appleseed


	Pete:	Liz, quick question about the Johnny Appleseed sketch. Does it hurt it if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed.
	Liz:	Yes! Why?
	Pete:	Well, Johnny Appleseed was a real guy and his descendants are very litigious, so here are a list of the names that legal says we can use: Jerry Bananaseed. Aaannnd nothing else.
	Liz:	Great. So what are my choices? Either I argue with legal or I spend all day writing something else? Does anyone care how hard I work?
	Pete:	Oh! We can't use Jerry Bananaseed. Someone with that name killed a bunch of nurses in Portland.

Jenna's Protege


	Jenna:	Kenneth! You're back! I need you to get me something called Vagitrex. It's.. for dry knees.
	Kenneth:	I wish I were back, Miss Maroney. I'm reapplying to the Page Program, but it's a lot harder than my first time around. It's gotten really competitive. You shoulda seen what I saw in Mr. Winerslav's office.
	Jeffrey Winerslav:	Well your interview will be Thursday. Is there any A/V equipment you'll be needed.
	Keyboard Guy:	[singing and playing keyboard] Inside Schwartz, Twenty One, Hill Street Blues, Wings is fun, Golden Girls, Quantum Leap, Outsourced is the new Friends!
	Kenneth:	The process uses to be dignified. Now it's just a pageant.
	Jenna:	JUST a pageant?! That's like saying a guy is cool because he has JUST a speedboat. If you need help winning a pageant, you've come to the right place.
	Kenneth:	Well, if it'll get me back into the Page Program...
	Jenna:	When I was pageantizing, my mother told me there's only three things standing between you and winning: your breasts, and wanting it back enough.
	Kenneth:	I'm not sure that applies -
	Jenna:	[slaps Kenneth] We've already started.

Mr. Donaghy Goes to Washington


	Jack:	And this deal will count as a thirty-nine percent bump variable against an eleven percent increase of synchronized flexibility.
	Rob Reiner:	Sir, my name is Rob Reiner. Before I became a congressman, I... dabbled in television, won a couple of Emmy's, and I believe that my experience out there in "Hollyweird" gives me a... special insight into these types of deals. Particularly when it comes to --
	Jack:	[whispers to Jonathan] Say it, Meathead.
	Rob Reiner:	-- vertical integration.
	Jack:	Ahhh... the dreaded "V.I.". Bad for America, kills innovation, drives up prices. Is that it? I guess that's why Big Oil and Microsoft are such great American failures.
	Congress Member:	What? [murmuring]
	Jack:	Dare I say vertical integration drives DOWN prices by streamlining the process. Consider the farmer. He owns his land, the equipment he uses to harvest his crops, the truck he uses to drive that product to the farmer's market where he sells it directly to the consumer. Is that not "vertical integration"? 1:32 pm. Mark the time, ladies and gentlemen, that Congress put a bullet... in the head of the American farmer.
	Congress Member:	No! You win!
	Rob Reiner:	The acclaimed director of When Harry Met Sally would never do that!
	Jack:	As always, it's been a pleasure.
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Donaghy. One last question. Why is NBC so racist?

Taking Stock


	Kenneth:	[tap dances]
	Jenna:	Horrible. What else can you do?
	Kenneth:	[singing] Oooohhh everybody born before Jesus is in hell. They went straight to h-
	Jenna:	Enough! I'm going to have to reinvent you. Break you down completely and build you up from scratch. Just like Mickey Rourke did to me sexually.
	Kenneth:	But Miss Maroney. I don't want to be reinvented. I wanna be me.
	Jenna:	All right, first things first. Can you lose that gooney accent.
	Kenneth:	Oh I dunno ma'am. [heavy accent] You made me think about and when I gets to thinkin bout it, it just gets worse!

Mr. Donaghy Goes on the Defensive


	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Donaghy, I represent Rhode Island's first Congressional District. It's a diverse community, from the hard working moms and dads of Smithfield, to those spoiled Jags at Brown, to a thriving, flourishing Italian criminal community in Providence. It's my responsibility to make sure that public airways represent the face of MY public. Now, one question: why is it that NBC looks about a diverse as a Wilco concert?
	Jack:	I would point to, um... Sunday Night Football which features many black players and coaches, oh and uh, we have Anthony Anderson, the star of Law and Order, which is entering it's twenty first --
	Jonathan:	[whispers in Jack's ear]
	Jack:	[whispering] What? Why did we cancel that? That doesn't make any sense!
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Donaghy, this may just be about money to you, but a member of Congress and a black woman --
	Jack:	Uh, I don't really see color or gender, Mr. Chang.
	Regina Bookman:	-- I feel I have an extra duty, not just to my constituents, but to future generations. Now, unless I see some serious change at NBC and soon, I can guarantee you this deal WILL NOT HAPPEN.
	Congress:	[mutters]
	Rob Reiner:	Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots, rhubarb, rhubarb, peas and carrots, rhubarb.

Diversity at TGS


	Jack:	Dotcom, you run Tracy's production company, right?
	Dotcom:	Yes, Dotcom Productions.
	Tracy:	That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
	Liz:	[shakes her head "no"]
	Jack:	Well I need programming for the African American community and nobody knows that demographic better than you.
	Tracy:	Don't worry about it Jackie D, I'm on it. [to Dotcom] Call Griz, I need someone around who's not just a yes man.
	Dotcom:	Whatever you say, Trey. Ohhh! C'mon Walter.
	Liz:	What is going on?
	Jack:	Representative Regina Bookman is using the Kabletown hearings as a soapbox from which to complain about a lack of diversity on TV.
	Liz:	Well, she has a point. I was reading the new Malcolm Gladwell New Yorker piece on my Kindle...
	Jack:	Did you really read that?
	Liz:	No, I did not.
	Jack:	I really resent the congresswoman's accusations. I've long been an advocate for diversity. It's made this nation great. The Chinese built the railroads, the Irish built and then filled the jails...
	Liz:	A guy named Juan built my armoire.
	Jack:	Diversity means new ideas and new markets, it is our best hope for true innovation.
	Liz:	Did you tell all of that to congresswoman Bookman?
	Jack:	No, I was too busy trying to remember the name of the black name on Community.
	Liz:	Donald Glover.
	Jack:	It wouldn't have mattered anyway. The whole thing was just political theatre. You should have seen her grandstanding.
	Regina Bookman:	[flashback] -- the future! And America! Now I may have lost my train of thought several minutes ago, but if I continue to talk like this, no one will notice and when I stop, you will applaud my energy! [congress applauds] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
	Jack:	I can't let Bookman jeopardize this deal. Tell me about diversity at TGS.
	Liz:	Well, Lutz claims to be Inuit, at least that was his explanation when I found his poem about snow.
	Jack:	What about Toofer? Is he any good?
	Liz:	I don't know if he's mentioned this to you a hundred times, but he went to Harvard.
	Jack:	So we know he's smart and superb... at masturbation.
	Liz:	Ha! [high fives Jack]
	Jack:	Is there any way we can give him a promotion of some kind.
	Liz:	Sure. Make him co-head writer. I always figured he's take over from me when I die at my desk.
	Jack:	Really? You're okay with that?
	Liz:	Oh yeah. Let someone else share the total lack of respect, deal with the meetings, the complaining, the stupid Johnny Appleseed sketch.
	Jack:	Whoa. You are not dong a sketch on the Appleseed family. Monty Appleseed and I share a liquor locker at the opera.
	Liz:	Arrrrggghh! [horrible raspy voice] I forgot my doctor said no more frustrated noise because it makes my vocal cords c-- gah... gah.. It's going to be like this all day.

Rebuilding Kenneth


	Jenna:	There you are. I've got hair extensions for you. And a body shaper with a reinforced penile sleeve.
	Kenneth:	Miss Maroney, please. My feet are killing me.
	Jenna:	I am trying to help you, Kenneth. Believe me, I wish you weren't such a Houston foreclosure of a human being, but I need to tear you down and turn you into someone who can actually win this thing.
	Kenneth:	[watches keyboard guy throwing colored paper in the white recycling bin]They hired keyboard guy? He's not even recycling properly! Miss Maroney, wait!

Let's Stay Together


	Tracy:	So, what do we want to see on TV? I personally love cop shows. I can't wait for Law and Order to start back up.
	Tracy:	[Griz whispers to Tracy] Why? It was a tent pole! A tent pole!
	Dotcom:	Well, here's something I've been working on. It's called Let's Stay Together, after the Al Green song. It focuses on an African American family in Detroit in the seventies. Motown, the auto industry, Vietnam, Watergate. Let's Stay Together's not just about family trying to stay together, but also a nation.
	Grizz:	What if there was a talking dog?
	Tracy:	I'd like to see that incorporated into your rewrite. Okay, meeting over.

The Interview


	Kenneth:	[at interview, singing and dancing for Jeffrey Winerslav] Thank you NBC for all the laughs and tears. Once home to Kelsey Grammer, The Golden Girls, My Name Is Earl, The A-Team, and Cheers, so shine on, and thank you NBC! A top ten network!
	Jenna:	[from doorway] Smile!

El Tejón


	Toofer:	Okay, let's dig in, cohorts.
	Liz:	[looks at sign on her door that reads "El Tejón"]
	Frank:	It means "The Badger" in Spanish. I'm not sure who did it.
	Liz:	[looks at Franks hat that reads "I Did It".]

Indignation


	Liz:	Toofer's got a head writer sign on his door. It's great. Good for him.
	Pete:	Oh God, Tejón Face. Is this about the TV interview?
	Liz:	What TV interview?
	Pete:	It's nothing, it's just a local cable show.

TRANSLATE


	Liz:	Well if my co-head writer's being interviewed, then so am I. A quiere bera El Tejón!

Time is Running Out


	Tracy:	The only thing that worked in the read through was the dog.
	Jack:	How's production going, Trey?
	Tracy:	Good. And there's a lot of buzz. Do you hear it too, or is my tinnitus acting up?
	Tracy:	[to Lutz] Hey! That food is for Dotcom Productions only! TGS's food is backstage!
	Lutz:	But they don't have women's sports bars. Men can have cramping too, you know!
	Jonathan:	Mr. Donaghy, I have representative Bookman on the line.
	Jack:	Representative Bookman.
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Donaghy I'm in New York right now. Some colleagues of mine and I are taking meeting on Wall Street and then we're doing the Sex and the City walking tour.
	Rob Reiner:	Magnolia Bakery!? Oh, sorry hips.
	Regina Bookman:	But it looks like I'll have time to stop by and continue our conversation.
	Jack:	Good, I welcome it. As I was trying to say the other day, this company has a longstanding commitment to diversity and inclusiveness --
	Tracy:	Yo Jackie D. I had dinner with Don Imus last night. He told the following joke --
	Jack:	Goodbye, Congresswoman.

Jenna vs. Jenna


	Kenneth:	I can't believe they rejected me.
	Jenna:	Well of course they did. The bridge was supposed to be Shuffeball change, Maxi Ford, Cincinnati, Cincinnati, Double Time, Shim Sham Shimmy, Toe Punch! I don't know what you were doing.
	Kenneth:	I'm sorry Miss Maroney.
	Jenna:	And where was your sparkle? You embarrassed me in front of all the other mothers. If you think you're going to Sizzler tonight, Jenna, you've got another thing coming. Oh, you'll be practicing your steps in the garage until the school boat comes! If I hadn't seen you come out of me in that parking lot I'd swear you weren't my daughter!
	Jenna:	Oh my God. What just happened?
	Kenneth:	I think you just turned into your m --
	Jenna:	Let me get there! I've turned into my mother. And I turned you.. into me! You're welcome, but it was wrong.
	Kenneth:	Well, to make it up to --
	Jenna:	LET ME GET THERE! To make it up to you, I am going to get your job back or my name isn't Ystrepa Grokovitz! I.. I mean J- Jenna Maroney!

Right On


	Rutherford Rice:	Welcome to Right On. I'm your host, Rutherford Rice. With me is my co-host Shirley Thomas. Our topic for today is African Americans and their roles in the media. Our first guest is James Spurlock, Head Writer for TGS with Tracy Jordan.
	Toofer:	Good day, Tri-Stater's.
	Liz:	Co.. Co-Head Writer.
	Rutherford Rice:	And also with us is someone named Elizabeth Lemon.
	Liz:	Thank you, Rutherford, it is a -- [camera pans away] I can tell that you're off me.
	Rutherford Rice:	Mr. Spurlock, do you think the system is broken when it is news that an African American man is a head writer for a network TV show?
	Liz:	I think I can answer that. Another question that we could be asking is why isn't it a big deal that a woman is a head writer? I would argue that TV is more of a boy's club than a white club. [uncomfortable silence] [to Shirley] I like your dress. Do you have to wear a bra with it? [uncomfortable silence] I'll let you get back to Toofer.
	Rutherford Rice:	Who's Toofer?
	Liz:	I don't know.
	Rutherford Rice:	James, when people think of TGS, they think of Tracy Jordan, Jenna Maroney, the mysterious crew death, the Angela Lansbury lawsuit. What they don't think of is you, working long hours late into the night, giving up any semblance of a life. Well, James Spurlock, you can finally take your bow. You... are Right On's Arthur Ashe of the week.
	Liz:	Okay. You know what, I get it, I shouldn't be here. I should have realized that when I saw that masks and the picture of black Jesus.
	Rutherford Rice:	That's me in college.
	Liz:	Allrighty. [white man approaches] All right I said I was leaving, you don't have to have your boss come and -- It's a security guard. That's not great.

Grandstanding vs. American Values


	Jonathan:	Sir! Representative Bookman is on her way up.
	Jack:	Jonathan, what did we talk about?
	Jonathan:	But sir, I was born in Palo Alto.
	Jonathan:	[Indian accent] I will go get her, sir. A thousand apologies!
	Jenna:	Jack, it's an actor me-mergency. I want to get Kenneth back into the Page Program, but whatever this is won't let me.
	Jack:	What? Who- Who cares? Jeffery, just hire Kenneth back.
	Jeffrey Winerslav:	But Mr. Donaghy, the only --
	Jack:	I don't have time for this. Just do it.
	Jenna:	Thank you, Jack.
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Donaghy.
	Jack:	Representative Bookman, welcome to NBC. This is the perfect place to begin our tour. Studio 6H, home to one of NBC's biggest stars, Tracy Jordan.
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Jordan. Regina Bookman. We met at the Congressional Black Caucus Fundraiser you crashed your motorcycle into.
	Tracy:	And thank you, Representative. What you're doing is very important. I can assure you that NBC is committed to making diversity our priority. Then just way away and don't try to kiss her, Tracy, and don't say that last part. [winks at Jack]
	Lutz:	[to Tracy as he takes a donut] Hey! You eat from your own table, remember? Our food is separate. Separate!
	Tracy:	I'll kill you, white devil!
	Lutz:	[shrieks and runs away]
	Jack:	Uhhh... Let's just head this way.
	Jack:	[looks at bathrooms with Colored and White signs next to them] So how was your flight?
	Jack:	Ah, Congresswoman this is Jeffrey Winerslav. He heads our Diversity in Hiring initiative. What's the latest from HR, Jeffrey?
	Jeffrey Winerslav:	Well, I'd like to tell you that we filled the minority slot in the NBC Page Program with a native American fellow named Wants to Get Sandwiches, but you made me hire THAT guy instead. [points to Kenneth]
	Kenneth:	Mr. Shoelace! You're being a silly.
	Regina Bookman:	You call that a diversity hire?
	Jack:	Uh, maybe. That young man is a hillbilly with a girl's middle name, and because his county never re-joined the Union, a foreigner.
	Kenneth:	Now you're untied? Have you two been talking?
	Jack:	There's James! Attention everyone! I present you, James Spurlock, with the 2010 Tavis Smiley Excellence in Broadcasting away. Thank you for making us all.. smiley! [applause]
	Regina Bookman:	Mr. Spurlock, how long have you been head writer here?
	Toofer:	Uh.. one day.
	Regina Bookman:	Mmm hmmm. And who is the real head writer of this show?
	Liz:	[raises hand] I am.
	Regina Bookman:	Ahhh. Tell me, you obviously lonely and tired woman, do you have to put up with this nonsense every day?
	Liz:	Yes.
	Regina Bookman:	You know, they say ninety percent of the work is done by ten percent of the people. Thank you for being that ten perfect.
	Liz:	You're welcome.
	Regina Bookman:	After what I just saw, you may be the only person here I respect.
	Liz:	[sighs]
	Regina Bookman:	You get an "I Met A Congresswoman" sticker.
	Liz:	Thank you! Finally, that's all I wanted was for --
	Regina Bookman:	This country was founded on certain principals! Freedom! Troops! America! Flag! Now I might not know where I'm going with this, but I know we will get there together! [applause] WHO.. LOVES.. PIZZA?! [applause]
	Jack:	Congresswoman, a word?
	Jack:	Okay fine, I was putting on a show. I was tap dancing. But you made me tap dance.
	Jenna:	Did someone say tap dance? [starts tap dancing]
	Jack:	[closes door on Jenna] What was I supposed to do? This is a multi-billion dollar deal. There are thousands of jobs at stake. Hundreds of second homes. And your ridiculous grandstanding could ruin the whole thing, like luffing your spinnaker at a yachting regatta. I know I'm not helping myself...
	Regina Bookman:	Sorry, grandstanding? Do you not think I believe in this?
	Jack:	It's just political theatre. You're up for re-election.
	Regina Bookman:	Yes. Maybe I get carried away sometimes with my love for... this great country and the troops! And the flag troops!
	Jack:	You're doing it!
	Regina Bookman:	And I apologize. But I only talk this way so I can get people to listen. I care about these issues.
	Jack:	And so do I. If you just give me a chance instead of ambushing me in front of the Congress and my own employees! You think I don't take diversity seriously? Only a fool doesn't. Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes. We always need people who are pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I did it. And it's my job to help others do it, too.
	Regina Bookman:	How do I know you really mean that?
	Jack:	How do I know you're not just grandstanding?
	Regina Bookman:	Oh I'll show you how. Unless you give me a real reason not to, I'm voting no on this deal.
	Jack:	Then I've got three months to change your mind. I'll show you that this company --
	Tracy:	[bursts in] I'm cutting that fat cracker's head off!
	Lutz:	I'm part Eskimo! Hate crime!
	Tracy:	[screams, chasing Lutz]
	Lutz:	Were were here first!
	Tracy:	[screams, chasing Lutz]
	Regina Bookman:	[opens, then closes door on tap dancing Jenna]

Epilogue


	John Amos:	They closed the plant. I gave those people thirty years, I didn't even get a watch. All I got was this pink slip.
	Stanley the Dog:	You think you got it hard? I've got dates tonight.
	John Amos:	Stanley, even for a dog, you are a DOG.
	Tracy:	Yes! Great fix, Griz.
	John Amos:	[answers the door and sees two poodles] Heh heh heh heh.
	Stanley the Dog:	Uh oh! Ain't life a bitch? [winks]

Let's Stay Together [ Season 5 | Episode: 3 ] - Episode. Explained.