|
|
|
|
Jack:
|
[inhaling from a paint can]
|
|
Liz:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It's the first thing every civilization makes along with weapons, and shelters to enjoy prostitutes. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This is the worst day of my life.
|
|
Liz:
|
Of YOUR life? Of YOUR life?
|
|
Jack:
|
Oh God. How are we going to make this about you?
|
|
Liz:
|
It's my birthday, Jack. It is my fortieth birthday and no one remembered.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Liz:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, Lemon. It's not my best day, I'm not myself right now, but please accept this, uh... thousand dollars as my gift to you.
|
|
Liz:
|
I will take this on principal, but it doesn't fix anything.
|
|
Jack:
|
What can I tell you, this is what happens to people like you and I who put work ahead of everything else. You know where I spent my fortieth birthday? In my office, all night.
|
|
Jack:
|
[flashback to a handsome, lean, muscular "Jack," dancing and surrounded by three beautiful women, as he kisses one]
|
|
Liz:
|
Wow. You were very fit back then.
|
|
Jack:
|
Yes, but my penis was smaller.
|
|
Liz:
|
Look, Jack I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.
|
|
Jack:
|
Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
|
|
Liz:
|
I know, it's.. I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides light a bunch of fires I have to put out. I thought that when I turned FORTY --
|
|
Jack:
|
Forty... I could really drink a forty right now.
|
|
Danny:
|
Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.
|
|
Tracy:
|
Oh no! My Oprah wig has fallen off! This is exciting mishap! This is live!
|
|
Liz:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
No, Jack! I mean, I had a bottle of wine with dinner.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
I thought you'd never ask!
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
|
|
Jack:
|
Thank you I really really needed that, I've been giving up drinking while Avery's pregnant and it's really hard.
|
|
Jenna:
|
Oh of course, but being with someone, Jack, means making sacrifices.
|
|
Jack:
|
|
|
Jenna:
|
I've learned that by being with Paul. It's made me so much more mature. [sees Tracy's Oprah shenanigans on the monitor] Oh no, Tracy. It is NIPPLE TIME!
|
|
Tracy:
|
Now my mustache is askew! Oops! That thing fell off! And that thing, too! Uh oh! Now my shirt is accidentally fallen off! Ah ha! America! [slaps belly]
|
|
Jenna:
|
Oh I warned you, Liz! And now I am slipping a nip! The big one!
|
|
Liz:
|
|
|
Pete:
|
|