Live Show [ East Coast Version ]    [ Season 5 | Episode: 4 ] - Episode. Explained.

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The Gesture

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   P.A.:
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Ten minutes, that's ten minutes to air. Cast should be changing for the cold open.
   Liz:
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Hey, you wanted to see me?
   Jack:
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Does it seem weird in here to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.
   Liz:
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I dunno. Does it?
   Jack:
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Good God, I can see every line and pore in your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.
   Liz:
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My face cream was recalled. Apparently it was destroying the lab rats'... uh... oh, what is that word... brains!
   Jack:
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Ah. I just wanted to let you know that while Avery is pregnant, I am giving up drinking. If she can't drink, I won't drink.
   Liz:
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Wow. I don't know if that's a good idea for you. You remember what happened that time I tried to give up refined sugars?
   Frank:
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[flashback] Hey, looking good, Liz.
   Liz:
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Thank you. Thank you. But you know what, our bodies, we don't want all that processed junk. I don't know if you're read Michael Pollan's --
   Lutz:
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Who wants donuts?
   Liz:
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I will KILL YOU!
   Jack:
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Why are you better looking in your memory?
   Liz:
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My memory has Seinfeld money.
   Jack:
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Well, don't worry. For me, drinking has always been about the ritual, so I just have to replace the ritual. And, uh, Avery got me this nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn, and a book on, uh, slight-of-hand magic. [takes out a little red ball and sings] Dah duh dah dah duh dah dah duh duh, dah duh dah dah duh dah duh dah, dah dah dun duh dun duh --
   Liz:
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[correctly chooses Jack's hand she thinks the ball is in]
   Jack:
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-- that's as far as I've got.
   Liz:
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Okay well, uh, if that's it, I'm just gonna go down stairs.
   Jack:
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Yeah. Have a good show. I'm, uh, dreading watching it sober.

Devious Jonathan

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   Liz:
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Hey, um... Jack knows it's my birthday, right?
   Jonathan:
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Hmmmm, let me see. Oh, I have my master list of staff birthdays right here. Oh no! I seem to have forgotten to put you on it.
   Liz:
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Uh huh. I this because of that joke I made the other day?
   Jack:
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[flashback] Jonathan, get me a pen.
   Liz:
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Yeah, Chai Boy, get in here. You'll never be.. a millin-aire! Ah ha ha, ha ha ha. Slumdog Millionaire ref. Blammo!
   Jonathan:
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I don't know what you're talking about.
   Liz:
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Whatever, Jack will remember my birthday because we're friends. Also, it's a pretty big birthday.
   Jonathan:
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Oh ho ho, are you turning a thousand?
   Liz:
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Really? You wanna play this game with a comedy writer? [squirts Jonathan in the face with his water bottle]
   Jonathan:
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Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahh.

Theme Song

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   Jenna:
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Live Show, it's the 30 Rock Live Show, it's 30 Rock Live.
   Backup Singers:
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...it might not work.
   Jenna:
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Why though do a 30 Rock Live Show, why 30 Rock Live?
   Backup Singers:
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Five, four, three, two, one.
   Jenna:
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Because this is my gift to you our audience!

Yadwiga

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   Liz:
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Hi Yadwiga.
   Yadwiga:
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Hellos!
   Liz:
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Haven't seen you in awhile.
   Yadwiga:
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Yes, bullet in brain move. Much hospital.
   Liz:
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Oh my God. Well so I'm glad to see you back. Oh you know, I wanted to let you know there's probably going to be some kind of a party later cuz it's my birthday.
   Yadwiga:
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Oooooo! Happy Days... is my favourite show.
   Liz:
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Yes, Happy Days is a.. is a great show, but but well anyway there might be a mess, and I.. are we understanding each other?
   Yadwiga:
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Yeah, yeah. I- I clean you now?
   Liz:
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No, no. No you don't, you don't have have to clean me, I'm just saying you may have to clean up after a surprise party later cuz it's my birthday and it's a big one. Blahhh!
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!
   Liz:
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Blahh!
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!
   Liz:
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Blahh! What are we doing, Yadwiga?
   Yadwiga:
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I like Fonzie! Ayyyyy! His office is bathroom, just like Yadwiga. He he he.
   Liz:
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Okay. Good talk, Yadwiga.
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!

Kenneth the Giggler

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   Kenneth:
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Oh, Miss Maroney, I have your messages. Uh, a Mr. Bret Fav-ray stopped by, and uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog? There you go.
   Jenna:
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Finally.
   Kenneth:
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Heh heh. Oh, uh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
   Jenna:
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Oh. So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
   Kenneth:
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Uh, also your pharmacy called and apparently you can't get a prescription for Ecstasy.
   Jenna:
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Thanks, ObamaCare.
   Kenneth:
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Heh.. If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here.
   Liz:
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Hey Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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Oh.. heh heh heh.. Hello Miss Lemon. [giggles]
   Liz:
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What's up, giggly.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I don't know... nothing. Mr. Hornburger needs to see you in Mr. Jordan's dressing room right away.
   Liz:
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Oh really, I wonder why?
   Kenneth:
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I dunno, you better find out! [squealing with glee]

Tracy's Idea

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   Pete:
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Surprise, Liz! Tracy's come up with a new way to ruin the show.
   Liz:
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What? No, no, I told you, your lizard cannot be the musical guest.
   Tracy:
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Of course not, his album doesn't drop until December.
   Pete:
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No, no, Liz. Last night for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-porn version of the Carol Burnett Show.
   Liz:
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Sure.
   Tracy:
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It was funnier than then porn version, and the best is when the actors started cracking up. They laughed so hard they couldn't even finish the skit.
   Liz:
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Uh huh, and your point is?
   Tracy:
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I would like to do that, please.
   Liz:
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Do what?
   Tracy:
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Crack up instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
   Liz:
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Hey, stupid lines I wrote. And no, we're not doing that.
   Tracy:
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You never take my creative suggestions.
   Liz:
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The only other one I can remember is when you wanted me to hire those two strippers to dance behind you.
   Tracy:
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And you should have! Those dudes were awesome. And so's my crack-up idea.
   Liz:
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Okay, Tracy, what you're talking about is called breaking, and, you know, sure audiences love it when something goes wrong. [wall poster tilts] Okay, but we don't do that here. It's cheap, okay? So no breaking. Promise?
   Tracy:
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I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
   Liz:
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Okay. Wait. Did you say "grave" or "grape"?
   Tracy:
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Yes, good bye.
   Liz:
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[leaves room with Pete]
   Tracy:
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Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder than at Dotcom's play.
   Dotcom:
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It was Angels in America, Trey! [poster falls to the ground]

I'm With Kenneth

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   Kenneth:
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[giggles with another page] Oh ho Miss Lemon, Mr. Donaghy called --
   Liz:
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Yeah, why are you giggling like that? It's very misleading.
   Kenneth:
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Ah ho, I'm sorry. It's just... Mr. Lutz is wearing the most hilarious t-shirt, and every time I see it -- well, just take a look! [points to Lutz wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt] Ha ha ha ha ha! Whoever's standing next to him is stupid! That guy is stupid. [Lutz starts walking] Now she's stupid. Now they are. Now I were! [laughs] Anyway, Mr. Donaghy called while you were in with Mr. Jordan. He needs to see you right away. [goes back to his Page desk, laughing]
   Pete:
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Liz. I almost forgot. Happy Birthday... the song. Legal says we can't use it in the birthday sketch, but we can use "It's Your B-Day, Bitch," by Snookie's mom.
   Jenna:
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Wait. Did I just hear that correctly? Because last year I wrote a song called "It's Your Birthday, Slut." Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this? [sings] You say that it's your birthday, time to skank it up hard. Choke a cop with your panties... No? No one?
   Kenneth:
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[claps politely]
   Jenna:
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Thank you, thank you.

Jack Attempts to Cope

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   Liz:
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Did you just knit that?
   Jack:
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I need a drink, Lemon!
   Liz:
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Oh, already, okay we- we can get through this.
   Jack:
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It turns out it's not the ritual. According to a bunch of online questionnaires, I have a drinking problem. Oh God I have a splitting headache! Okay, replace the ritual, replace the ritual. Could you come over here please? [puts his hands near Liz's mouth] Shhh. [pulls paper streamer out of Liz's mouth]
   Liz:
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You finished the magic book?
   Jack:
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I cannot divulge my secrets. I don't want to let Avery down, but this is so hard. Distract me, Lemon. Entertain me.
   Liz:
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Okay uh.. Open on: the Covent Garden Flower Market, the year 1892. [screechy Cockney accent] Flowers, flowers for sale.
   Jack:
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Get out of here!
   Liz:
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[leaves Jack's office]
   Jonathan:
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Did he remember your birthday?
   Liz:
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[pushes stuff off Jonathan's desk]
   Jonathan:
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Oh come on!

Fox News

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   P.A.:
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Fifteen seconds.
   Tracy:
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What's up New York? Tracy Jordan in the house!
   Jenna:
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You're the real stars! Not really.
   Announcer:
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Fox News. A division of Fox Nonsense Incorporated.
   Jenna:
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Welcome back to Fox News. I'm blond. President Obama, in your own words, why are you a terrorist who hates America?
   Tracy:
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That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha! Snort! Hee hee! Giggle giggle! The audience loves this! CAN'T HEAR THIS
   Pete:
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Oh that idiot!
   Liz:
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Fine, just go to commercial.
   Pete:
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Go to commercial.

Love Storm

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   Dr. Spaceman:
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Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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[singing] Baby, let's take it slow. You know we've got all night, light some candles, draw a bath, and start off with full-on intercourse.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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[singing] Baby, let's let the dog watch us. Do you think he understands the love that we have. Oops, I'm finished, call yourself a cab.

Tracy & Carol

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   Liz:
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Hey, idiot!
   Danny:
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Liz, I know we're not usually the most grateful bunch, but everybody here, and I mean EVERYBODY, is signing this birthday card for Yadwiga the cleaning lady.
   Liz:
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Really? Yadwiga's birthday?
   Frank:
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I look out for her. We're friends with benefits.
   Liz:
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Tracy. You should be ashamed of yourself.
   Tracy:
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I can't be! I'm missing that part of my brain.
   Liz:
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Why are you doing this?
   Tracy:
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Why does anybody do anything? They're rich or they have Attention Deficit Diso-- look at Lutz's shirt! Ha ha ha ha!
   Liz:
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[punches Lutz] You're ruining the show! No more laughing.
   Tracy:
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All right, no more laughing. I promise. Kraut's honor.
   Liz:
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Wait, did you say "scout" or "kraut"?
   Tracy:
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Good bye!
   Liz:
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[answers her phone] Ah! Carol I knew you wouldn't forget me today!
   Carol:
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No non-essential chatter, Liz, I'm having the worst flight of my career! We got wind shear, lightning, severe turbulence, the in-flight meal was a frittata.
   Liz:
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Oh my God, at night?
   Carol:
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Lizzie, if something were to happen I- I just want you to know that I... I need you to go to Raleigh to my apartment and just clear out all of the porn before my mom gets there.
   Liz:
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That's it?
   Carol:
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Yeah. I also need you to TiVo "Bones" for me in case I survive.
   Liz:
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No. You know what, Carol? Today is a very special day, and you should have known that and you should also know that you can't use cell phone on planes.
   Carol:
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Nah, that's just something we tell passengers, it -- [weird plane sound, and cockpit lights go out] -- ho! Hello! Hold on. [lights go back on] All right, yeah, I- I think I just screwed up something with my girlfriend.
   Kevin:
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You know, I've always loved you.
   Carol:
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Not now, Kevin.
   Kevin:
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Copy that.

Jenna's Plan

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   Jenna:
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Liz, how could you let Tracy do that to me?
   Liz:
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Don't worry, it's under control, or not--
   Jenna:
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I am a professional, Liz. I have never broken during a performance, ever. I was on stage in Pippin with Irene Ryan when she died and I kept going.
   Liz:
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And that is why you are so amazing!
   Jenna:
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Oh I will never break, Liz, but if he tries that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Yes, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
   Liz:
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Hi Yadwiga, how are you?
   Yadwiga:
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Sit on it! [laughs]

The Reveal

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   Jack:
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[inhaling from a paint can]
   Liz:
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Are you sniffing paint?
   Jack:
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Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It's the first thing every civilization makes along with weapons, and shelters to enjoy prostitutes. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This is the worst day of my life.
   Liz:
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Of YOUR life? Of YOUR life?
   Jack:
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Oh God. How are we going to make this about you?
   Liz:
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It's my birthday, Jack. It is my fortieth birthday and no one remembered.
   Jack:
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Damn ye, she-beasts!
   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail. I'm sorry I forgot your birthday, Lemon. It's not my best day, I'm not myself right now, but please accept this, uh... thousand dollars as my gift to you.
   Liz:
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I will take this on principal, but it doesn't fix anything.
   Jack:
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What can I tell you, this is what happens to people like you and I who put work ahead of everything else. You know where I spent my fortieth birthday? In my office, all night.
   Jack:
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[flashback to a handsome, lean, muscular "Jack," dancing and surrounded by three beautiful women, as he kisses one]
   Liz:
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Wow. You were very fit back then.
   Jack:
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Yes, but my penis was smaller.
   Liz:
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Look, Jack I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.
   Jack:
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Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
   Liz:
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I know, it's.. I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides light a bunch of fires I have to put out. I thought that when I turned FORTY --
   Jack:
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Forty... I could really drink a forty right now.
   Danny:
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Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.
   Tracy:
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Oh no! My Oprah wig has fallen off! This is exciting mishap! This is live!
   Liz:
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What the blerg??
   Jack:
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Ahem. Jenna?
   Jenna:
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Yeah?
   Jack:
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Have you been drinking?
   Jenna:
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No, Jack! I mean, I had a bottle of wine with dinner.
   Jack:
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Can I smell your mouth?
   Jenna:
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I thought you'd never ask!
   Jack:
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[smells Jenna's mouth]
   Jenna:
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[sighs]
   Jack:
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Thank you I really really needed that, I've been giving up drinking while Avery's pregnant and it's really hard.
   Jenna:
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Oh of course, but being with someone, Jack, means making sacrifices.
   Jack:
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[smells Jenna's mouth]
   Jenna:
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I've learned that by being with Paul. It's made me so much more mature. [sees Tracy's Oprah shenanigans on the monitor] Oh no, Tracy. It is NIPPLE TIME!
   Tracy:
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Now my mustache is askew! Oops! That thing fell off! And that thing, too! Uh oh! Now my shirt is accidentally fallen off! Ah ha! America! [slaps belly]
   Jenna:
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Oh I warned you, Liz! And now I am slipping a nip! The big one!
   Liz:
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You gotta come--
   Pete:
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To commercial! Go!

Hands Across America

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   Drew:
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Hi, I'm Doctor Drew Baird. Every year dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or fireworks mishap or in my case both. But now there's hope. Thanks to an idea that started as a pitch for a horror movie and grew into a charitable organization, hands from executed criminals are now making life better for people all over the world. People like me. [holds up right hand, which is a black man's hand] But we can't do without your support, so give. And give someone a hand. [looks at hand] Sorry, I'm trying to do a thumbs up here, it doesn't always listen. [hand raises in a first] Oh God no, that's a Black Power thing, I- I really should.. [struggles with hand] Come here... No! [hand grabs his throat] No! Why are you doing-- No! Bad hand! [hand punches him and knocks him back] Now it's got my testicles.

Salvaging

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   Jack:
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Listen up. We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday. Her fortieth birthday!
   Kenneth:
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Haa?! [to Jonathan] How? You gave me your list.
   Jonathan:
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[screeches like a... chicken?]
   Jack:
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Never mind how it happened, that's water under the bridge.
   Danny:
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I'm sorry. We don't have that expression in Canada. Does that mean what happened can be used to power a lumber mill?
   Jack:
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It MEANS we're going to do something nice for our friend Liz Lemon, because she takes care of us we are going to take care of her, even if we are currently sober for the first time in ten years.
   Jenna:
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Not me. [holds up gold coin] I just got my "Ten Year Drunk" chip.
   Everyone:
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[murmurs approval]
   Jenna:
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Thank you.
   Jack:
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Pete, what can you pull together? Is there time to do something for Liz on-air?
   Pete:
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Not really, I mean I could cut the.. the uh... product placement for Capital One.
   Jack:
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Oh, you can't do that. The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day for every purchase.
   Pete:
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Well the cast could say something during Good Nights.
   Jack:
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No, it has to be big enough that Liz thinks we planned it all along.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I've got an idea! What... if... weeeeeeee...
   Everyone:
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Spit it out!

Surprise!

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   P.A.:
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Cast set yourselves Good Night, please. Please set yourselves for Good Nights.
   Liz:
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[answers her phone] Did you crash?
   Carol:
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No, no but it was pretty scary, I mean, well not like the stuff I saw in the Air Force, of course. Like this one time a bunch of us pilots got together, we went to a haunted house in Germany. That was messed up!
   Liz:
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Today's my birthday, Carol.
   Carol:
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It's your birthday. Dammit, I... Sorry, ah, happy birthday, Lizzie.
   Liz:
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Don't worry about it, I've known these dummies a lot longer and none of them -- oh my God! You did remember!
   Carol:
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Wait, wait, what's happening there? It that a surprise party? Surprise! I was totally in on it! It was really expensive!
   Liz:
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[hangs up phone]
   Jack:
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Happy birthday, Lemon!
   Liz:
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You. You knew all along!
   Jack:
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Come on, you didn't think we'd forget your birthday, did you?
   P.A.:
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Thirty seconds.
   Liz:
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Is that a polka band?
   Jenna:
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Happy birthday.
   Liz:
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Wait a minute. Wait. Why... why is Henry Winkler on my cake?
   Yadwiga:
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[flashback] I like Fonzie! Ayyyyy!
   Liz:
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This is supposed to be for Yadwiga!
   Jack:
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No! Everybody loves the Fonz.
   P.A.:
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Ten seconds.
   Liz:
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You stole an old cleaning lady's birthday just to make me happy?
   Jack:
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In my defence, yes.
   Liz:
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That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
   P.A.:
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Five seconds. Back. Four, three, two...
   Yadwiga:
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CAN"T HEAR THIS [plunges hands in cake, and gets dragged off by Pete]
   Jenna:
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On behalf of everyone here at TGS we want to wish --
   Tracy:
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Good night!
   Pete:
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Help! Ahhh! Help! Her thumbs are in my eyes! [screams]

Basking

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   Jack:
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Well I know your birthday isn't what you'd hoped, Lemon, but at least it was memorable.
   Liz:
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[Julia Louise-Dreyfus as Liz] No, you know what? It was perfect. It was the best of both worlds. It w-
   Liz:
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[Liz arrives] Ohh. Go. Get out.
   Liz:
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[Julia Louise-Dreyfus as Liz] Oh, yeah, sorry. [leaves]
   Liz:
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It was the best of both worlds. I got to feel martyred and indignant all day, and then I still got to eat cake off the floor. But I still have one birthday wish. I want you to have a drink with me.
   Jack:
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Well I know Avery doesn't want me to, but it's dangerous to say no to an old spinster. You might turn me into a crow. To Liz Lemon! You're halfway to death. [lights go dim] That's more like it.

Good Nights

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   Liz:
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Are we still on the air? Thank you to Matt Damon, Rachel Dratch, Bill Hader, Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, DARREN KNAFF, Chris Parnell, everyone at NBC. 30 Rock crew, I love you! SNL crew I love you! Good night!
   Everyone:
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[claps and cheers]
   Jenna:
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We did it!
   Liz:
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We did it live!
   Liz:
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It's time to watch The Office... right... now. Now!