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Jack:
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[inhaling from a paint can]
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we're married, to tune them out. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This is the worst day of my life.
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Oh God. How are we going to make this about you?
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Liz:
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It's my birthday, Jack. It is my fortieth birthday and no one remembered.
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Jack:
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Liz:
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Jack:
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You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail. Lemon, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. I'm not myself right now. Please accept this, uh... thousand dollars as my gift to you.
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Liz:
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I'm gonna take this on principal, but it doesn't fix anything.
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Jack:
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What can I tell you, this is what happens to people like you and me who put work before everything else. You know where I spent my fortieth birthday? In my office, all night long.
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Jack:
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[flashback to a handsome, lean, muscular "Jack," dancing and surrounded by three beautiful women]
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Liz:
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Wow. You were very fit back then.
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Jack:
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Yes, but my penis was smaller.
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Liz:
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Look, Jack you know, uh... I don't want to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go out clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.
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Jack:
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Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
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Liz:
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But I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides set a bunch of fires I have to put out. I thought that when I turned FORTY --
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Jack:
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Forty... I could really drink a forty right now.
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Danny:
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Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.
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Tracy:
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Oh no! My Oprah wig has fallen off! Exciting mishap! This is live!
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Ahem. Jenna? Have you been drinking?
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Jack:
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Jenna:
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No! I had a bottle of wine with dinner.
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Jack:
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Jenna:
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I thought you'd never ask!
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Jack:
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[smells Jenna's mouth] Ohhh thank you, thank you. I gave up drinking while Avery's pregnant. It's been very hard.
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Jenna:
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Oh of course, but caring for someone means making sacrifices, Jack.
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Jack:
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Jenna:
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Being with Paul has taught me that. It's made me much more mature. [sees Tracy's Oprah shenanigans on the monitor] Oh, Tracy. It is NIPPLE TIME!
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Tracy:
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Now my mustache is askew! Oops! That thing fell! And that thing, too! Uh oh! My shirt is accidentally fallen off! Ah ha! America! [giggles belly]
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Jenna:
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I warned you, Liz! And now I am slipping a nip! The big one!
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Liz:
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Pete:
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