Live Show [ West Coast Version ]    [ Season 5 | Episode: 4 ] - Episode. Explained.

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The Gesture

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   P.A.:
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Ten minutes, ten minutes to air. Cast you should change for the cold open.
   Liz:
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Hey, you wanted to see me?
   Jack:
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Does it seem weird in here to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera.
   Liz:
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I dunno. Does it?
   Jack:
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My God, I can see every line and pore in your face. You look like a YMCA climbing wall.
   Liz:
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Yeah well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was destroying the lab rats'... uh... uh... what is that word? brains!
   Jack:
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I just wanted to let you know that, uh, while Avery is pregnant, I am giving up drinking. If she can't drink, I won't drink.
   Liz:
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Wow. I- I don't know if that's a good idea for you. You remember what happened that time I tried to give up refined sugars?
   Frank:
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[flashback] Hey, looking good, Liz.
   Liz:
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Thank you. Thank you. But you know what, our bodies, don't want all that processed junk. I don't know if you're read Michael Pollan's --
   Lutz:
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Who wants donuts?
   Liz:
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I will KILL YOU!
   Jack:
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How come you're better looking in your memory?
   Liz:
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Because my memory has Seinfeld money.
   Jack:
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Well, don't worry. For me, the drinking has always been about the ritual, so I just have to replace the ritual. And therefore, uh, Avery has got me this very nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn, and a book on slight-of-hand magic. [takes out a little red ball and sings] Dah duh dah dah duh dah dah duh duh, dah duh dah dah duh dah duh dah, dah dah dun duh dun duh --
   Liz:
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[correctly chooses Jack's hand she thinks the ball is in]
   Jack:
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-- that's as far as I've got.
   Liz:
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Okay well, if that's it, I'm gonna go downstairs.
   Jack:
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Have a good show. I'm, dreading watching it sober.

Devious Jonathan

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   Liz:
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Hey, uh... Jack knows it's my birthday, right?
   Jonathan:
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Hmmmm, let me see. Oh, I have my master list of staff birthdays right here. Oh no! I seem to have forgotten to put you on it.
   Liz:
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Uh huh. I this because of that joke I made the other day?
   Jack:
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[flashback] Jonathan, can I have a pen.
   Liz:
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Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin. Before Jasmine is forced marry Jafar! [laughs] Similarities... Lemon out!
   Jonathan:
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I don't know what you're talking about.
   Liz:
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Whatever, Jack will remember my birthday because we're friends. Also, it's a pretty big birthday.
   Jonathan:
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Ho, are you turning a thousand?
   Liz:
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Really? You wanna play this game with a comedy writer? [squirts Jonathan in the face with his water bottle]
   Jonathan:
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Oh God! Ohhhh.

Theme Song

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   Danny:
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Live Show, it's a 30 Rock Live Show, for Pacific Time.
   Backup Singers:
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...30 Rock is live in your home.
   Danny:
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Live Show, it's a West Coast Live Show, let's talk about sushi.
   Backup Singers:
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Do do do do do do do do.
   Danny:
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Portland, Vegas, Glendale, this is 30 Rock!

Yadwiga

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   Liz:
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Ah, hi Yadwiga.
   Yadwiga:
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Hellos!
   Liz:
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I haven't seen you in a long time.
   Yadwiga:
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Yes, bullet in brain move. Much hospital.
   Liz:
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Wow. I'm glad to see you back. Oh, I want to tell you, um, there's probably going to be a party tonight because it's my birthday.
   Yadwiga:
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Oooooo! Happy Days... is my favourite show.
   Liz:
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Happy Days is a.. is a great show, but what I mean is there might be a little bit of a mess...
   Yadwiga:
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Ahhhhhh.
   Liz:
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So.. yeah. Are we understanding each other?
   Yadwiga:
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Yeah, yeah. I clean you now?
   Liz:
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No, no, heh. You don't have have to clean me, I'm just saying you might have to clean up after a surprise party later cuz it's my birthday and it's a big one. Blahhh!
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!
   Liz:
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Blahh!
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!
   Liz:
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Blahh!
   Yadwiga:
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Ahhhh...
   Liz:
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What are we doing, Yadwiga?
   Yadwiga:
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I like Fonzie! Ayyyyy! His office is bathroom, just like Yadwiga.
   Liz:
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Okay. Good talk, Yadwiga.
   Yadwiga:
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Blahh!

Kenneth the Giggler

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   Kenneth:
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Oh, Miss Maroney, heh, I have your messages. Uh, a Mr. Bret Fav-ray stopped by, and \dropped off this picture of a hot dog.
   Jenna:
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Finally.
   Kenneth:
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Heh. Uh, the Chilean miners are all out, and they're really angry about what you've been saying about them.
   Jenna:
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So I guess they're geniuses for getting stuck in a mine?
   Kenneth:
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Uh... Also your pharmacy called -- apparently you can't get a prescription for Ecstasy.
   Jenna:
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Thanks, ObamaCare.
   Kenneth:
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Heh.. If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here. [giggles]
   Liz:
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Hey Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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Ahh ha ho! Hello Miss Lemon. [giggles]
   Liz:
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What's up, giggly.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I don't know. Nothing. Mr. Hornburger needs to see you in Mr. Jordan's dressing room right away.
   Liz:
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Oh really, I wonder why?
   Kenneth:
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I dunno, you better find out! [squealing with glee]

Tracy's Idea

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   Pete:
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Surprise, Liz! Tracy's come up with a new way to ruin the show.
   Liz:
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What? No, no, I told you, your lizard cannot be the musical guest.
   Tracy:
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Of course not, his album doesn't drop until December.
   Pete:
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No, no, Liz. Last night for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-porn version of the Carol Burnett Show.
   Liz:
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Sure.
   Tracy:
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It was even funnier than then porn version. The best is when the actors started cracking up. They laughed so hard they didn't even finish the skit.
   Liz:
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Uh huh, and your point is?
   Tracy:
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I would like to do that, please.
   Liz:
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Do what?
   Tracy:
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Crack up in say's- instead of saying these stupid lines I wrote.
   Liz:
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Stupid lines I wrote. And no, we're not doing that.
   Tracy:
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You never take my creative suggestions.
   Liz:
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The only other one I can remember is the time you wanted me to hire those two strippers to dance behind you.
   Tracy:
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And you should have! Those dudes were awesome. And so's my crack-up idea.
   Liz:
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Okay, Tracy, what you're talking about is called breaking, and, sure, audiences love it when something goes wrong. [wall poster tilts] Okay, but we don't do that here. It's cheap. So no breaking. Promise?
   Tracy:
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I promise. I swear on my mother's grape.
   Liz:
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Wait. Did you say "grave" or "grape"?
   Tracy:
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Yes, good bye.
   Liz:
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[leaves room with Pete]
   Tracy:
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Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder- tonight, at... than I did at Dotcom's play.
   Dotcom:
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It was Angels in America, Trey! [poster falls to the ground]

I'm With Kenneth

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   Kenneth:
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[giggles with another page] Ha ho Miss Lemon, Mr. Donaghy called --
   Liz:
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Why are you giggling like that? It's very misleading.
   Kenneth:
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Ha ho, I'm sorry. It's just that... Mr. Lutz is wearing a hilarious t-shirt, and every time I see him -- just look! [points to Lutz wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt] [laughs] Whoever's standing next to him is stupid! That guy is stupid. [Lutz starts walking] Now she is, and now they are. Now I were! [laughs] Anyway, Mr. Donaghy called while you were with Mr. Jordan. He needs to see you right away. [goes back to his Page desk, laughing]
   Pete:
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Liz. I almost forgot. Happy Birthday... the song. Legal says we can't use it in the birthday sketch. But we can use "It's Your B-Day, Bitch," by Snookie's mom.
   Jenna:
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Wait. Did I just hear you correctly? Because last year I wrote a song called "It's Your Birthday, Slut." Does Mrs. Polizzi's track sound anything like this? [sings] You say that it's your birthday, time to skank it up hard. Choke a cop with your panties... No? No one?
   Kenneth:
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[claps politely]
   Jenna:
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Thank you.

Jack Attempts to Cope

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   Liz:
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Hey. Did you just knit that?
   Jack:
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I need a drink, Lemon!
   Liz:
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Already. O- okay, we can get through this.
   Jack:
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It turns out that it's not the ritual. According to a bunch of online questionnaires, I am a problem drinker. Oh God I have a splitting headache! Replace the ritual, replace the ritual. Would you come over here please? Yes, thank you. [puts his hands near Liz's mouth] Thank you. [pulls paper streamer out of Liz's mouth]
   Liz:
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You finished the magic book?
   Jack:
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I cannot divulge my secrets. I don't want to let Avery down, but this is so hard. Lemon, distract me. Entertain me.
   Liz:
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Okay uh.. Open on: the Covent Garden Flower Market, the year 1892. [screechy Cockney accent] Flowers, flowers for sale.
   Jack:
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Get out of here!
   Liz:
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[leaves Jack's office]
   Jonathan:
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Did he remember your birthday?
   Liz:
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[pushes stuff off Jonathan's desk]
   Jonathan:
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Oh come on! Kch.

Fox News

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   P.A.:
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Fifteen seconds.
   Tracy:
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What's up New York? Tracy Jordan in the house!
   Jenna:
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You're the real stars! Not really.
   Announcer:
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Fox News. A division of Fox Nonsense Incorporated.
   Jenna:
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Welcome back to Fox News. I'm blond. President Obama, in your own words, why are you a terrorist who hates America?
   Tracy:
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That's an excellent question. Uh oh. I'm doing something called breaking! Bwa ha ha ha ha! Snort! Hee hee hee! Giggle giggle! This audience loves this! Chortle!
   Pete:
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Oh that idiot!
   Liz:
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It's fine, just go to commercial.
   Pete:
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Go to commercial.

Love Storm

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   Dr. Spaceman:
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Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. Hello, I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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[singing] Baby, let's take it slow. You know we've got all night, light some candles, draw a bath, and tie me to my radiator and put food just out of reach.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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[singing] Girl, I been knowing you a long time, and I think tonight's the night. This time you can be the man. Strap -- [cut off by NBC Technical Difficulties card]

Tracy & Carol

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   Liz:
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Hey, idiot!
   Danny:
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Liz, I know we're not usually the most grateful bunch, but everybody here, and I mean EVERYBODY, is signing this birthday card for Yadwiga the cleaning lady.
   Liz:
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Really? Yadwiga's birthday?
   Frank:
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I look out for her. We're friends with benefits.
   Liz:
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Tracy. You should be ashamed of yourself.
   Tracy:
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I can't be! I'm missing that part of my brain.
   Liz:
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Why- Why are you doing this?
   Tracy:
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Why does anybody do anything? Because they're rich and they have Attention Deficit Diso-- look at Lutz's t-shirt!
   Liz:
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[punches Lutz] You're ruining the show! No more laughing.
   Lutz:
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[groans]
   Liz:
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You're ruining the show! No more laughing.
   Tracy:
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No more laughing, Kraut's honor.
   Liz:
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Wait, did you say "scout" or "kraut"?
   Tracy:
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Good bye!
   Liz:
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[answers her phone] Oh! Carol I knew you wouldn't forget about me today!
   Carol:
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No non-essential chatter, Liz, I'm having the worst flight of my career! Wind shear, lightning, severe turbulence, the in-flight meal was a frittata.
   Liz:
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Oh my God, at night?
   Carol:
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So Lizzie, look, if something were to happen I- I just want you to know I... I need you to go to... my apartment in Raleigh and clear out any porn before my mom gets there.
   Liz:
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That's it?
   Carol:
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Well, I- I also need you to TiVo "Bones" for me in case I survive.
   Liz:
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You know what, Carol? Y- Today is a very special day, and you should know that. Also, you should know that you can't use cell phone on planes.
   Carol:
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Nah, wait, nah that's just something we tell the passengers, to keep -- [weird plane sound, and cockpit lights go out] -- Ah, h- hang on, gotta go. [lights go back on] Oh man, I think I just really screwed something up with my girlfriend.
   Kevin:
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You know, I've always loved you.
   Carol:
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Not now, Kevin.
   Kevin:
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Copy that.

Jenna's Plan

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   Jenna:
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Liz, how could you let Tracy do this to me?
   Liz:
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No, don't worry, it's under control, or not.
   Jenna:
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I am a professional, Liz. I have never broken during a performance, ever. I was on stage in Pippin with Irene Ryan when she died and I kept going.
   Liz:
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I know, and that is why you are so amazing!
   Jenna:
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Oh I have never broken, Liz, but if he tries to pull that stunt again, I will have a "wardrobe malfunction." Oh, I will "slip a nip," Liz. So help me, I will slip a nip!
   Liz:
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Hi Yadwiga, how are you?
   Yadwiga:
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Sit on it! [laughs]

The Reveal

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   Jack:
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[inhaling from a paint can]
   Liz:
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Are you sniffing paint?
   Jack:
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Of course I am, Lemon. Men need alcohol. It gives us the ability to hit on women and later, when we're married, to tune them out. I don't know how much more of this I can take. This is the worst day of my life.
   Liz:
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YOUR life? Of YOUR life?
   Jack:
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Oh God. How are we going to make this about you?
   Liz:
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It's my birthday, Jack. It is my fortieth birthday and no one remembered.
   Jack:
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Damn ye, she-beasts!
   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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You and Avery, you lay these traps for me to fail. Lemon, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. I'm not myself right now. Please accept this, uh... thousand dollars as my gift to you.
   Liz:
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I'm gonna take this on principal, but it doesn't fix anything.
   Jack:
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What can I tell you, this is what happens to people like you and me who put work before everything else. You know where I spent my fortieth birthday? In my office, all night long.
   Jack:
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[flashback to a handsome, lean, muscular "Jack," dancing and surrounded by three beautiful women]
   Liz:
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Wow. You were very fit back then.
   Jack:
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Yes, but my penis was smaller.
   Liz:
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Look, Jack you know, uh... I don't want to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go out clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.
   Jack:
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Why are you speaking like a Persian immigrant?
   Liz:
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But I thought at least these dummies would do something for me besides set a bunch of fires I have to put out. I thought that when I turned FORTY --
   Jack:
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Forty... I could really drink a forty right now.
   Danny:
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Oprah, this is what the inside of a child's face looks like.
   Tracy:
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Oh no! My Oprah wig has fallen off! Exciting mishap! This is live!
   Liz:
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What the blerg??
   Jack:
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Ahem. Jenna? Have you been drinking?
   Jack:
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Have you been drinking?
   Jenna:
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No! I had a bottle of wine with dinner.
   Jack:
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May I smell your mouth?
   Jenna:
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I thought you'd never ask!
   Jack:
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[smells Jenna's mouth] Ohhh thank you, thank you. I gave up drinking while Avery's pregnant. It's been very hard.
   Jenna:
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Oh of course, but caring for someone means making sacrifices, Jack.
   Jack:
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[smells Jenna's mouth]
   Jenna:
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Being with Paul has taught me that. It's made me much more mature. [sees Tracy's Oprah shenanigans on the monitor] Oh, Tracy. It is NIPPLE TIME!
   Tracy:
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Now my mustache is askew! Oops! That thing fell! And that thing, too! Uh oh! My shirt is accidentally fallen off! Ah ha! America! [giggles belly]
   Jenna:
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I warned you, Liz! And now I am slipping a nip! The big one!
   Liz:
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Go to commercial!
   Pete:
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To commercial! Go!

Hands Across America

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   Drew:
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Hi. I'm Doctor Drew Baird. Every year dozens of people lose a hand to a helicopter or fireworks mishap. Or in my case both. But thanks to groundbreaking research at the Yale University Centre for Hand Frankensteining, hand transplants are a reality, making life better for people all over the world. People like me. [holds up right hand, which is a woman's hand] Of course, donors are rare. As you can see I've had to accept a female hand. A number of which because available after a giant explosion at a Josh Grobin concert. So please give. And give someone a hand. I'm sorry, I'm trying to do a thumbs up here. She- She doesn't always listen. [hand starts stroking his face] Okay. No no no no. No. No. This is not the time. Please, we are in public. [hand starts moving downward] No. No! Stop it, Marjorie. No! Obey me! Ow! [hand moves down to crotch] Please, just.. I'm so tired. Oh God, please take of your rings!

Salvaging

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   Jack:
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Listen up. We forgot Liz Lemon's birthday. Her fortieth birthday!
   Kenneth:
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Uhhh.. [to Jonathan] How? You gave me your list.
   Jonathan:
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[screeches like a... chicken?]
   Jack:
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Never mind how it happened, that's water under the bridge.
   Danny:
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I'm sorry. We don't have that expression in Canada. Does that mean what happened can be used to power a lumber mill?
   Jack:
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It means we're going to do something nice for our friend Liz Lemon, because she takes care of us we are going to take care of her, even if we are currently sober for the first time in ten years.
   Jenna:
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Not me. [holds up gold coin] I just got my "Ten Year Drunk" chip.
   Everyone:
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[murmurs approval]
   Jenna:
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Thank you.
   Jack:
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Pete, what can you pull together? Is there time to do something on the air for Liz?
   Pete:
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Not really, I mean I could cut the... product placement for Capital One.
   Jack:
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Oh, no, you can't do that. The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day with every purchase.
   Pete:
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Well I guess the cast could say something during Good Nights.
   Jack:
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No, it has to be big enough that Liz believes we were planning something all along.
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I've got an idea! What... if... weeeeeeee...
   Jack:
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You spit it out before I drink you!

Surprise!

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   P.A.:
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Cast to the floor for Good Nights. Cast, please set yourselves for Good Nights.
   Liz:
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[answers her phone] Did you crash?
   Carol:
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No, but it was pretty scary, I mean, well not like the stuff I saw in the Air Force, of course. Like this one time me and a bunch of us pilots, we went to a haunted house in Germany. That was messed up!
   Liz:
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Today's my birthday, Carol.
   Carol:
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It's your birthday. Dammit, oh, I'm sorry, ah, happy birthday, Lizzie.
   Liz:
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Don't worry about it, I've known these dummies here have known me a lot longer and none of them -- oh my God! You did remember!
   Carol:
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Wait, what's happening now? It that a surprise party? Surprise! I was totally in on it! It was expensive!
   Liz:
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[hangs up phone]
   Jack:
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Happy birthday, Lemon!
   Liz:
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You. You knew all along!
   Jack:
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Come on, you didn't think we'd forget your birthday, did you?
   P.A.:
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Thirty seconds.
   Liz:
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Is that a polka band?
   Jenna:
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Happy birthday.
   Liz:
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Wait a minute. Why is Henry Winkler on my cake?
   Yadwiga:
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[flashback] I like Fonzie! Ayyyyy!
   Liz:
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This is supposed to be for Yadwiga!
   Jack:
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No! Everybody loves the Fonz.
   P.A.:
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Ten seconds.
   Liz:
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You stole an old cleaning lady's birthday just to try to make me happy?
   Jack:
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In my defence, yes.
   Liz:
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That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.
   P.A.:
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Five seconds. Back. Four, three, two...
   Yadwiga:
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[plunges hands in cake, and gets dragged off by Pete]
   Jenna:
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On behalf of everyone here at TGS we just want to wish --
   Tracy:
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Good night!
   Pete:
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Ahhh! Ahhh! Help! Her thumbs are in my eyes! [screams]

Basking

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   Jack:
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Wel, Lemon I'm sorry your birthday didn't turn out the way you hoped, but at least it was memorable.
   Liz:
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[Julia Louise-Dreyfus as Liz] No, you know what? It was perfect. It was the best of bo-
   Liz:
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[Liz arrives] Zzz, zzzt! [points to herself]
   Liz:
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[Julia Louise-Dreyfus as Liz] Oh, sorry. [leaves]
   Liz:
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You know but it was perfect. It was the best of both worlds. I got to feel martyred and indignant all day, and still got to eat the Fonz's face. But I have one more birthday wish. I want you to have a drink with me.
   Jack:
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Well I promised Avery I wouldn't, but it's dangerous to deny the wishes of a.. an old spinster. You may turn me into a crow. To Liz Lemon! You're halfway to death. [lights go dim] That's more like it.
   Liz:
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[sighs]

Good Nights

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   Liz:
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Thank you Matt Damon, Rachel Dratch, Bill Hader, Jon Hamm, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, DARREN KNAFF, Chris Parnell, and everyone at NBC. 30 Rock crew, I love you! SNL crew I love you!
   Everyone:
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[claps and cheers]
   Liz:
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You're watching The Office right now!