Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning    [ Season 5 | Episode: 12 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Changing of the Guard

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   Liz:
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It doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the building are giant severed robot penises.
   Jack:
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Be quiet, Lemon. It's happening. [GE neon sign goes out, replaced by Kabletown sign] [Jack hangs head]
   Liz:
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Wow. Out with GE, in with Kabletown. Seems like one of us should sing The Circle Game right now.
   Jack:
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Thirty years at GE. Now it's on to phase two. I'm like Keats' Stout Cortez, staring at the Pacific with a wild surmise and daring to imagine what new planets might swim into my my ken.
   Liz:
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So... Will we be getting new employee IDs because I'd really like to re-take my photo.
   Jack:
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Good God, what happened?
   Liz:
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I was holding in a snart and then right when she took the photo... Don't you want to know what a snart is? I can tell you now, it's ten o'clock.
   Jack:
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Ten o'clock in the MORNING.
   Liz:
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[snarts]

Tracy Phones It In

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   Liz:
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[looking at new Kabletown ID where she has something in her teeth] Och...
   Pete:
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FYI, Tracy's phoning it in today.
   Liz:
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What else is new?
   Pete:
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No mother, literally.
   Jenna:
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Are you also staying at this hotel?
   Tracy:
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[from the phone Dotcom's holding] Line!

A-List Crazy

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   Liz:
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Tracy, we've been playing this game for five years now. When is it even going to stop?
   Tracy:
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I don't know. After I won a bunch of awards for my movie, it's not going to get any better.
   Liz:
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I don't see how it could get any worse.
   Tracy:
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Good question, Liz Lemon. When you win an Oscar it opens up an elite level of actor craziness. Throwing telephones at hotel employees, speaking to the UN about some messed up crap in Africa, and I'm definitely getting a private island.
   Liz:
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You're getting an island.
   Tracy:
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Every crazy A-lister owns an island. Nicholas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Whitmore. This is a whole new world in front of me L.L.! I'm like Stout Cortez! He's my gardener. He's easily amazed.
   Liz:
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You have two choices here. Either you can stay in your room like a child, or you can get out there and do your job.
   Tracy:
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[gets up]
   Liz:
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Thank you.
   Tracy:
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Oh, I'm sorry, that was misleading. I'm not going to rehearse. I'm going to get a sandwich and then eat it on the toilet.

Reality What?!

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   Liz:
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What are you wearing?
   Kenneth:
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My NBC page dress blues. I want to look good in case I get on camera.
   Liz:
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On what camera?
   Kenneth:
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Well Mr. Jordan's reality show is going to be following Mr. Jordan around while he's at work.
   Liz:
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What?!
   Kenneth:
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I know! Isn't it exciting? I've never been on TV before. I hope I photograph okay, because when I look into a mirror there's just a white haze.
   Liz:
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Who told Tracy he could bring camera here?
   Kenneth:
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Well Mr. Donaghy. I couldn't put the memo in your mailbox cuz it's full of unread adoption material.
   Liz:
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Yeah.
   Lutz:
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Hey. Are the reality cams here.
   Liz:
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Ugh. [slaps Lutz' sunglasses out of his hand]
   Lutz:
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[bends down to retrieve his glasses, exposing a red thong]
   Liz:
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Ugh! God Lutz, why?
   Lutz:
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What? I don't tush lines.
   Liz:
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Ugh.

The Reality of Reality TV

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   Liz:
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[knocks] You know, I have enough problems with Tracy. I don't need cameras following him around while he's here.
   Jack:
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Do you know what pays for your show, Lemon?
   Liz:
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Our product placement deal with Sullivan Psychiatric Clinic. [in Bronx accent] "Sullivan's Psychiatric; you'll drool over our crazy prices!"
   Jack:
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Reality TV. A woman with hundruplets, a live execution, the Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
   Liz:
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Och, that show is upsetting. Why does the warden let Lady Extravaganza have so many spoons?
   Jack:
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Programs like that are the life blood of this industry. They're cheap, promotable, and even if they're terrible, you get a rating and move on to the next idea. Everybody wins.
   Liz:
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Well I happen to think we're in a new golden age of scripted television.
   Jack:
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Shh. Shh, Lemon, it's okay. As I begin phase two of my Jack Attack on Kabletown, I've been doing some research. Do you know what the most successful reality events of the past five years are? Celebrity benefits for natural disasters. The viewership is HUGE.
   Liz:
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Yes, but those ratings mean nothing. All the networks air those benefits at the same time so no one gets an advantage.
   Jack:
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True. Unless only one network is carrying it because only one network is ready to broadcast a benefit on the night of the disaster.
   Liz:
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But that's impossible. There's not enough time to put it together.
   Jack:
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Unless you've pre-taped the show beforehand and filmed options for every possible disaster scenario.
   Liz:
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You're going to pre-tape a benefit for a disaster that hasn't happened yet?
   Jack:
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Yeah.
   Liz:
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That is bad karma, Jack. I mean, this morning I stole a cab from a pregnant lady on crutches and I am just waiting to- [a piece of the ceiling falls on Liz's head] [gasps]
   Jack:
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My goodness, Lemon. The people affected will still get money, but so will NBC. Everybody wins. Oh, and I need Jenna to sing.
   Jenna:
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I'll do it. But I hate my dress.

Scripted Disaster

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   Jack:
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All right, listen up everybody. I need ideas from you people for potential natural disasters. Anything that might require a televised celebrity benefit. I need something new and I need it by the end of the day, so... [looks at Lutz wearing eyeliner] Let's get to work.
   Toofer:
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Well, I just finished a screenplay where a tidal wave destroys Washington.
   Pete:
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Someone write down "tidal wave." Shut him up.
   Frank:
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What about a tornado that hits a handgun factory and it's just spinning around shooting handguns?
   Kenneth:
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What happens when the second flood comes and you're not allowed on Reverend Gary's ark? Especially since Reverend Gary made it clear the ark is just for teen aged boys.
   Pete:
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You know, with Global Weirding and everything, stuff like that could totally happen here.
   Frank:
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There was a cyclone in Brooklyn last year. It destroyed two vintage t-shirt stores and a banjo.
   Pete:
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If something does happen, it'll probably be while we're at work. I mean this is where we spend all of our time. We should have a plan in place.
   Frank:
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If we don't, I will freak out and start karate kicking people.
   Kenneth:
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Everyone needs an emergency plan. For instance, right before the ark leaves I'm supposed to castrate Reverend Gary.

scene

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   Liz:
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I see you've finally decided to come to work.
   Tracy:
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Of course. I'm just continuing my consistent professional behaviour. Let's laugh together, friend. [forced laugh]
   Liz:
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[forced chuckle] What's going on with him?
   Dotcom:
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First of all, good morning. And to answer your question, it's Angie's cameras. These reality shows want crazy behaviour, so Tracy's keeping it boring. Give them nothing that could make him look bad.
   Liz:
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Since when does Tracy care about looking bad?
   Dotcom:
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Since he got nominated for an Oscar. Then once he wins it's on to the next level, which I am not looking forward to. That island he wants to buy is filled with scorpions.
   Tracy:
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Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because perfection is my middle name. "Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy."

The Use of Lutz

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   Frank:
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So here's the plan. If anything happens we meet outside under the Alice statue, walk to the 59th Street bridge, and try to get to my mom's house in Queens.
   Pete:
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Okay good. We've got a wide skill set for any post-apocalyptic scenario. I'm good at archery and kinda want to die.
   Frank:
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I can use my glasses to start a fire. Toofer can get us through black-, gay-, and nerd-controlled neighbourhoods. Cerie will be some sort of queen in the new society.
   Sue:
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I will do sex with cannibals if needed.
   Kenneth:
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I can talk to animals. Well, not TALK to them, but take commands from them.
   Pete:
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Huh. Lutz. What can he do?
   Frank:
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Well, he's slow and a coward.
   Lutz:
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I'm not useless. I mean, I got a car.
   Pete:
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Oh. I didn't know that.
   Frank:
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All right, Lutz is the driver.
   Toofer:
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Whoa whoa whoa wait. How big us your car. Can it fit all of us?
   Lutz:
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Oh, right. It's actually pretty small. I could only take three of you. So I'll... have to choose. That sucks. It's like a reality show where you guys get to compete for a seat in my car by proving how much you like me.

Tracy Confronts Reality

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   Liz:
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Tracy, I need you to do something.
   Tracy:
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Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
   Liz:
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[laugh] Yeah. You need to stay late for a wardrobe fitting tonight. It should take about two hours.
   Tracy:
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Okay. No problem.
   Liz:
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After that I need you to record that DVD commentary that you've been putting off for five years. Hope you didn't have plans tonight!
   Tracy:
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No. I wasn't going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.
   Matthew:
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Look, is there anything that you two could maybe fight about. An argument that culminates in a racial slur would be lovely.
   Liz:
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Sorry. This is going to be nice and boring. Tracy's even going to agree to attend a fundraiser for my cousin's dance studio. Arne't you Tracy.
   Tracy:
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[smiles]
   Liz:
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So, we're good.
   Tracy:
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Never better. I'm as happy as a clam who wants to kill some woman.
   Liz:
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Great! You're the best! Love you!
   Tracy:
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Love you more!

De Niro Disasters

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   Robert De Niro:
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Well I dunno, Jack, this just doesn't feel right.
   Jack:
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Bob, it's for charity. And if you don't do it I'll have MSNBC tell the world you grew up in England.
   Robert De Niro:
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[English accent] But I'm so identified with New York you bloody tosser!
   Jack:
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Bob.
   Robert De Niro:
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Okay.
   Guy:
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Disaster options, take 1.
   Robert De Niro:
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We'll always remember where we were when we heard that tornado had hit a handgun factory. Two days ago when people thought of a mudslide they just thought of getting drunk in an Applebee's, but now we know it as the thing that destroyed Denver. When the birds first started attacking us we all thought it was pretty funny and made Hitchcock jokes, but we're laughing now because our laughter excites the birds sexually. This devastating wildfire... This horrible flood... This wonderful flood that put out that devastating wildfire... These super-intelligent sharks...
   Jack:
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[high-fives Jonathan]

Tracy Out-Crazys Liz

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   Liz:
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Tracy. I just thought of a few more things I need from you.
   Tracy:
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[to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] Shut your mouth! I am finished taking orders from you, and I think that you're a four-eyed douche-
   Matthew:
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Tracy, I don't want to interrupt this moment, this is great stuff, but that's Billy Joel's. Anything that you sing to that tune, uh, I can't use on the show.
   Tracy:
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[still to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] That's too bad, but if I sing you cannot do anything to make me look bad on your TV show and also let me stay that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
   Liz:
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[to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] You are a child and your loosing your mi- i- ind. I want to kick you, I'm not good at making up songs.
   Tracy:
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[still to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] Unlike me who is good, as you can tell from this rhyme.
   Liz:
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[still to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.
   Tracy:
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[together with Liz] Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh.
   Jenna:
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[singing] The thing that happened was so sad, we can't believe it got so bad when the stuff we know occurred went down. So find it in your heart, step up and do your part, and help the people the thing that happened happened to. Help the people the thing that happened happened to.

Jack Manages

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   Jack:
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[applauds with Jonathan and crew] Fantastic, Jenna. You really brought the songwriting computer's words to life.
   Liz:
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Wow. You're actually doing this.
   Jack:
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Yes. All I'm missing is the disaster.
   Liz:
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Well I'm in the middle of the Tracy disaster. I thought I could use Angie's camera to make him behave, but he found a loophole and now to close it I need $80,000 to buy the right to Uptown Girl.
   Jack:
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Lemon it sounds like you're trying to fight crazy with crazy.
   Liz:
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Yeah, but crazy is the only language that Tracy is fluent in.
   Jack:
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But you'll never out-crazy Tracy so why don't you have it out with him once and for all. Like two adults.
   Liz:
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Because we're not two adults, Jack. One of us is an actor, and actors are not people.
   Jenna:
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Someone get a PA to feed me baby food or I will drop a "D" in the Green Room. Yeah. Last week you thought I was crying wolf, didn't ya?

Lutz's Moment of Glory

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   Toofer:
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Lutz is the best.
   Frank:
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Nice feet, Lutz!
   Toofer:
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I like Lutz the most.
   Lutz:
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Look at all of you trying to impress me. I feel like The Bachelor. But to whom shall I give my rose. [everyone laughs] It's so hard to choose when everyone loves me so much. But only three of you can ride to safety in my car.
   Pete:
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[feeds Lutz airplane-style and everyone laughs]
   Lutz:
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[to himself in a mirror] I don't really have a car!

Liz Tilts Against Windmills

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   Liz:
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Tracy. Your little singing game is over. I got auto-tune for my computer and if you try to sing I'll just take out the melody, and no one has to pay for that! [sings into auto-tune] Liz Lemon one, do do do do. That was me singing the Beetles' "Here Comes The Sun" for free.
   Tracy:
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L.L. please, I'm way ahead of you. [puts on New York Rangers' goalie mask] But I'm not rehearsing. I'm going to shoot garden gnomes with a handgun at Tupoc's house. [to BRIT] Yeah, Tupoc's alive. I bet you'd like to have that on your show.
   Matthew:
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Yes, Tracy, obviously, but again I can't use any of it when you're wearing that mask. The Rangers logo is trademarked.
   Liz:
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Okay fine. Jack was right. I can't out-crazy you. So we're going to talk. Right now. No cameras. [take Tracy into his dressing room] All right, Tracy. The kid gloves are coming off.
   Tracy:
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Oh, that explains it. Those are gloves. No wonder they're so coarse and wrinkly.
   Liz:
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Five years ago I rescued your career. And how do you repay me? By making my life harder at every turn. You're late, you blow off rehearsals, and your online romance prank was not funny! I fell in love with you!
   Tracy:
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[laughs] You wore a yellow hat to that coffee shop. You know what's actually funny about all this? You think I'm the problem. Have you every tried to work with you?
   Liz:
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Really? You're trying to blame me?
   Tracy:
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Five years ago I saved YOUR show! I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
   Liz:
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Oh, yeah, I should be thanking you. Without me do you have any idea where you would be right now?
   Tracy:
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[in Liz's imagination] This honky grandma be tripping... Over SurfMaster's mid-range jet skis.
   Tracy:
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Where do you think you would be without me?
   Liz:
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[in Tracy's imagination] Now, Jerry, in rehearsal, it's okay to play with yourself, but when we do the show-
   Dennis:
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[in Tracy's imagination] Hey dummy, you gotta drive me to paintball, and no complaining. The only reason why I got that DUI is cuz it was your birthday. [to old man] What's up, Jerry. [laughs] That's awesome!
   Liz:
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Well at least Jerry bothered to come to rehearsal. And, in my alternate reality, Dennis dies and I win the lottery.
   Tracy:
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But then I would run you over with a jet ski.
   Liz:
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Dammit!

Disaster Strikes!

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   Jack:
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Jonathan, come in here. Fantastic news. There's been a natural disaster.
   Jonathan:
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Was it in Indian Kashmir? May Durga's trident pierce them from the skies!
   Jack:
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No. A typhoon just hit an island in the South Pacific and news is going to full-time coverage! It's perfect. The island is called Mago. It's near Fiji. Heavy structural damage, no fatalities. Sad, but not too sad. Wicked footage of beautiful Polynesian people, proud and topless. Maybe a pelican near some diapers. I don't know.
   Jonathan:
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It's all happening so fast! We haven't even given this plan a code name.
   Jack:
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Haven't we? Operation "Righteous Cowboy Lightning" is a go.

Reality Distortion

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   Liz:
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[from recording] Really? You're trying to blame me?
   Tracy:
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[from recording] Five years ago, I saved your show!
   Liz:
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Okay, first of all I look weird there because I was snarting.
   Tracy:
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You snarted in my dressing room?!
   Liz:
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And second of all, I said no cameras.
   Tracy:
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That footage cannot be shown on television. I'm trying to buy an island over here!
   Matthew:
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I'm sorry, Trey, but now I just need a heartfelt resolution, so we're going to use a little reality TV magic. We call it "staging it," or "lying." We shoot you guys meeting in the hallways. You apologize, you hug.
   Liz:
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Och! You are disgusting, and I have absolutely no reason to apologize to him.
   Tracy:
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And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
   Liz:
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If I hugged you I would angle it so that you got NO boob.
   Tracy:
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And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there. I would get there.

Lutz Caught

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   Lutz:
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Ya! [whips Kenneth as he pulls Lutz into the writer's room on a wagon]
   Pete:
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Hey, buddy! I made you an Apocalypse Road Trip mix. I hope your car has a CD player.
   Lutz:
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It has two. And it has flames on the side.
   Pete:
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Ooh! [high fives Lutz]
   Frank:
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Lutzy. Guess what? A friend of mine works for Marvel and he got me four tickets to a test screening of Captain America tonight!
   Lutz:
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Nice! [high fives Frank] Chris Evans' body looks amazing in the trailer. When's his Men's Health cover.
   Toofer:
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Okay! So, who you gonna take with you besides Frank?
   Cerie:
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[winks at Lutz]
   Pete:
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[licks his lips at Lutz]
   Sue:
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[take her shirt off]
   Toofer:
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[nods]
   Frank:
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[shows Captain America tickets]
   Kenneth:
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[holds up a nickel]
   Frank:
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Dude, make up your mind. We have to be in Harrison by six.
   Lutz:
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Wait, it's in New Jersey? How are we getting to New Jersey?
   Frank:
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You're going to drive us obviously.
   Lutz:
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[crying in mirror] What am I gonna to do?

Disaster Strikes Again!

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   Jonathan:
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Where have you been, sir? Have you seen the news?
   Jack:
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I don't have to, Jonathan. I know what's on it. The poor people of Mago island and their brave shorts-wearing police force.
   Lester Holt:
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[on TV] If you're just joining us this is NBC's continuing coverage of the devastation in Mago, the Fijian island owned by controversial actor Mel Gibson. We are receiving reports of extensive damage to the main house as well as the house for Gibson's cars. No word yet on the fate of Gibson's collection of anti-semitic and misogynistic literature.
   Jack:
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Nooo! [runs from room]
   Jack:
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[on mobile phone] No, this is not a prank, this is Jack Donaghy and I'm calling about Righteous Cowboy Lightning. Hello??
   Lester Holt:
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[on TV] We are joined now by a relative of the island's owner, 202.
   Oscar Gibson:
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G'day. First off the holocaust never happened.
   Jack:
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[screams]
   Lester Holt:
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[on TV] We go now to NBC's exclusive prime-time benefit for the victims of the devastation in Mago, specifically Mel Gibson and his house guest Jon Gosselin.
   Jenna:
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Why do bad things happen to good people? We'll never know. But look at these pictures. Look at these beautiful souls, and pick up the phone. Every dollar you give to help [overdub] "Mel Gibson" will go towards rebuilding [overdub] "his sex jacuzzi." [singing] And help the people the thing that happened happened to.

Lutz FAIL

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   Kenneth:
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Here he comes!
   Pete:
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Pick me, Lutzy! Pick me!
   Lutz:
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Now, you can't all fit, so...
   Frank:
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Dude, did you just buy that car?
   Lutz:
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What?
   Pete:
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There's a dealer sticker in the window, you got no plates, and you made these flames out of magic marker and tape.
   Frank:
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I'd rather die than ride with him. Let's go.
   Lutz:
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But! Okay! But now I do have a car. So now everything's like it was before. [crying] It's all like it was before.
   Lutz:
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[as thief gets in his car and drives off] Whaaa...?

Reality Inspires Reality

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   Jenna:
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[singing on TV] ...and help the people the thing that happened happened to. Help the-
   Liz:
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[changes station]
   Angie:
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Mmm, we now return to Queen of Jordan. You heard me!
   Liz:
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Och. [watches her and Tracy on TV] What the hell?
   Liz:
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[on TV] Tracy. I need you.
   Tracy:
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[on TV] Of course, friend.
   Liz:
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[on TV] So we're good?
   Tracy:
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[on TV] Never better!
   Liz:
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[on TV] You're the best. Love you!
   Tracy:
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[on TV] Love you more!
   Fake Tracy:
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[on TV] [hugs fake Liz] Let's never fight again.
   Fake Liz:
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[on TV] No, never, Tracy.
   Liz:
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I know it's fake, but... dammit, I miss him!
   Tracy:
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[crying in his dressing room while watching same thing] I knew I'd get that boob squish
   Liz:
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Tracy I'm sorry.
   Tracy:
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No, you already said all on the show. You said it all! [hugging] I got there.
   Liz:
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I'm angling. I'm angling.

Reality TV Wins

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   Liz:
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Hey. Are you okay? [sees piles of gifts] Och, you're kidding. Your dumb stunt worked?
   Jack:
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It was our highest rating since that episode of SBU where the detectives watched American Idol.
   Liz:
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It was a train wreck!
   Jack:
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It was reality TV. It can be good, it can be terrible, it just can't be anything in between.
   Liz:
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You know, some people actually craft stories, and when the story doesn't have an ending you don't just create one out of thin air by playing music or having people give each other meaningful looks. [music swells] Sure, that might manipulate an audience into THINKING they're feeling something, but it sucks.
   Jack:
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[gives Lemon meaningful stare, their eyes lock]
   Liz:
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[spins and locks eyes with Jack]
   Liz:
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[pumps fist in the air on her way out of Jack's office]