* Quotes are grouped by Scene
The Morality Clause
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Eugene:
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Jenna, this is a great day for the Wool Council.
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Jenna:
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Well I am very proud to be your new spokeswoman. You know, in the past I was the face of Clinque, a French-Canadian Anal Rejuvenation clinic. And I was the feet of filthylittlefeet.com.
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Eugene:
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Yes, well, about that... Jenna, wool is a wholesome fabric, which is why your contract includes a morality clause. You will be required to conduct your personal life in a manner which is consistent with the values of this industry.
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Jenna:
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Eugene:
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We're just a little worried about publicity like this. [passes Jenna a paper reading "Hooray for Hollyweird? Jenna's Four-Legged Love Affair with a photo of Jenna walking Paul like a dog]
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Jenna:
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No. Eugene. That's not just some guy I picked up at a dog bar. Paul and I are in a committed relationship.
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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No! Paul is a gender dysmorphic bi-genitalian pan-sexuale.
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Eugene:
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I see. Maybe we should take a few days and think about this.
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Jenna:
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No. Whenever men say that I never see them again. You just need to meet Paul. Our relationship is everything that wool is about. Love, warmth, chafed skin. [singing] Oh noble sheep, we eat your babies. We use your brain to fight off rabies! But the most beautiful gift you give us is wool.
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Eugene:
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All right, Jenna. I'd love to meet Paul. Let's say dinner tomorrow night at your place. I'll bring my wife.
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Jenna:
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Eugene:
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I should warn you: this had better be a very normal dinner. No hijinx, no farce. And not just for the sake of your relationship with the National Wool Council, but for the sake of my wife whose parents were killed in front of her while an episode of Three's Company was... You know what, I'll let her tell the story at dinner. Wool-come, Jenna.
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Kenneth's Gesture
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Jack:
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Sherry, who was at the do- [sees Kenneth] Kenneth, what are you doing?
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Kenneth:
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Well, I know your wife was kidnapped by some convenience store owners and I'm real sorry about that.
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Jack:
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I'm not looking for pity.
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Kenneth:
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Pity? Oh, sir. Back in Stone Mountain people lose their spouses all the time. Mumps, hill people attacks, cave collapses -- both business and residential -- continuing my list...
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Jack:
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Kenneth. What do you want?
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Kenneth:
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When someone needs help you don't waste time feeling sorry for them. We help them. And you seem like you could use a home-cooked meal.
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Jack:
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Oh that smells delicious.
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Kenneth:
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It's an old Parcell family recipe, but I look to replace the Union soldier meat with boiled potatoes.
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Jack:
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I haven't eaten at this table since Avery's been gone. That was her chair.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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No. Please, sit. You two have similar-shaped buttocks.
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Kenneth:
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Ahem. Dear God, thank you for this venison. Onion god, thank you for these onions. Carrot god, thank you for the carrots.
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The Dinner
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Eugene:
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Paul:
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I'm in the restaurant business and I really love… golf playing.
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Eugene:
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Is that so? What's your handicap?
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Paul:
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Oh, well I don't have one myself, but I do like a girl with a limp.
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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So, Mrs. Gremby, you're also named Eugene?
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U. Jean:
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Oh, no dear. It's U. Jene. My first name is Ugene, with a U.
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Paul:
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Oh. That's a nice blouse. It definitely goes with YOUR eyes, don't you think, Jenna?
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Eugene:
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Golf. Blouses. I'm just so impressed with how normal this dinner has been. VERY wool.
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The Sitter:
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Greetings, slaves! Who's ready to get sat on?
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Paul:
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Uh, uh sir? I- I don't know who you are, but you're not wanted here! Didn't you get my text?
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The Sitter:
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I thought it was part of the game.
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Paul:
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We are good people who have no interest of being sat on. So don't spew your statistics on the health benefits of weekly sittings or its wide acceptance in Eastern cultures. We're normal! And being normal is American and it's respectable and it makes us... happy. Now get out of here.
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Eugene:
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Well done, sir. Bravo! You handled that pervert with aplomb. VERY wool. To tomorrow's photo shoot and wool.
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Kenneth Fixes Jack
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Kenneth:
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[wearing pink robe] Mr. Donaghy, where are my clothes?
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Jack:
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Sherry must have put them in the wash while you were showering. Now, give us a twirl.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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Now what do you say you put on some of Avery's perfume and we head over to Strawberry Fields and whip pennies at the drum circle.
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Kenneth:
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I don't like to swear, sir, but no thank you! Now, maybe I haven't had a wife who was kidnapped, but I have seen the Brady Bunch where Tiger runs away. We've all been through some bad stuff, Mr. Donaghy.
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Jack:
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I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
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Kenneth:
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All right sir, enough. You wanted me to be Mrs. Donaghy? Well I know Mrs. Donaghy and she is mean.
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Jack:
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She one made Rahm Emanuel cry in an airport lounge.
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Kenneth:
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So fine. I will be Mrs. Donaghy and I'm going to say "Listen to me, Jack. You don't want people to pity you, well they should. Because you're pitiful! You think you're all alone? Boo hoo, why can't my life be the way it was? Well it can't! And you're not alone! You have a daughter you should be spending time with instead of being weird to Kenneth. He may be a chinless piece of human garbage but he will NEVER fill the void that I left behind. Oh look, here he comes now. He's going to ask me to come to his birthday party." [doing extremely goofy/insulting imitation of himself] Hi Mrs. Donaghy! You wanna come on down my birthday party? "No. I can't. But I know JACK can."
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Jack:
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Kenneth. Kenneth. I get it. [gives his clothes back] Uh, Sherry? Put Liddy's baby pantsuit on. I'm taking her to work with me today.
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Sherry:
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Jack:
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Reunion
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Jack:
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Jack:
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Liddy, say "good God, Lemon."
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Liddy:
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Liz:
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I did it, Jack! I got my dream vacation.
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Jack:
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Liz:
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I'm outdoors, I'm wearing comfortable clothes, I'm gardening, and I'm learning Spanish!
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Sanitation Worker:
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Vuelve a tu trabajo, Limona! Esta bolsa no esta llena, eh!
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Liz:
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Estoy hablando con mi amigo. De todos modos esta es mi tercera bolsa. Grítale a Hector!
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Jack:
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Uh, Liddy and I just went to Strawberry Fields where she spat up on a white lady's dreads. It's nice to see that we're back to our version of normal.
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Paul:
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There you are! Bad dog! You'll go in the crate tonight.
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Paul:
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Hey Jack. Hey Liz. [gets hit in the head with a golf ball]
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Tracy:
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Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
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Liz:
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Tracy:
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I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
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Kenneth:
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[watching from a distant rock, with a telescope] You see all the good that is in them? How much capacity for love? Yes, I know. I just need more time with them. Give more time, Jacob! I BEG OF YOU! [title: TO BE CONTINUED]
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