TGS Hates Women | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

Ladyhaters


	Jenna:	Wonderful news, non-famouses! My publicist just called from rehab - I made the Internet.
	Liz:	[looking at laptop] You're on JoanOfSnark.com?
	Frank:	On what?
	Liz:	Joan of Snark. It's this really cool feminist website where women talk about how far we've come and which celebrities have the worst beach bodies. (Ruth Bader Ginsburg!)
	Jenna:	"Comedy's Freshest Female Voice." Take that Courtney Thorne-Smith.
	Toofer:	[looking at laptop] That's not about you. That's about some stand up named Abby Flynn.
	Frank:	Wow!
	Sue:	Pretty nostrils!
	Jenna:	How do I find me? [to the computer] COMPUTER. JENNA.
	Toofer:	Well here's your article: "Why Does TGS Love Women?"
	Liz:	What!? How can they say that? We love women! With Tracy gone our last episode was all Jenna.
	Jenna:	[in TGS skit on airplane] This is Amelia Earhart. I'm almost across the Pacific. Oh no. My period! [starts crashing]
	Jenna:	[in TGS skit at podium] [caption: Hillary Clinton, Secretary of State, G-SPAN] I'll now take questions. Oh no. My period. Let's nuke England!
	Liz:	That is an ironic re-appropriation. Kch. I don't know anymore. This started as a show for women, starring women. At the very least we should be elevating the way women are perceived in society. Augh my period! You're all fired! [falls to the floor]

Jack's New Rival


	Liz:	Jack, do you think I hate women?
	Jack:	Absolutely. But it's not your fault. You are genetically predisposed to compete against other women for the attention of strong powerful men like myself or others very similar to me. For example Hercules, the Highlander, or uh, God.
	Liz:	I want to roll my eyes right now but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
	Jack:	Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them you end up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.
	Liz:	You're wrong. I support women. I'm like a human bra. Which is why I want to hire a young comic named Abby Flynn to come on as a guest writer.
	Jack:	Uh no. You are not budgeted-
	Liz:	[hands Jack photo of Abby]
	Jack:	She's got good energy. Hire her immediately.
	Liz:	See? I'm not threatened by the fact that men are attracted to her.
	Jack:	Please, Lemon. It's got nothing to do with her hot mouth. Every organization needs new blood once in awhile. Like Hank Hooper says in his book, "new blood is the lifeblood of every company's blood." He's not a strong writer.
	Liz:	Hank Hooper. Isn't that the guy who outbid no one for NBC?
	Jack:	Yes, he's the CEO of Kabletown. But he won't be forever, and some day when he steps down I intend to succeed him.
	Liz:	Well, believe in yourself and you'll reach your goals. I read that in a bottle of women's exercise water.
	Jack:	Ah it's not so simple. Kabletown is a family-owned company. There IS a potential successor, so to get what I want I must find a way to destroy her.
	Liz:	Her? It's a woman?
	Jack:	Well, not exactly.
	Kaylee Hooper:	[cut to TV interview amongst crowd] [caption: Justin Bieber - Bieber Fever Sweeps Philly, NBC 10] Hi! I'm Kaylie Hooper, I'm fourteen years old and I'm waiting in line to meet Justin Bieber cuz he's... [everybody screams in excitement]
	Liz:	I'm sorry, your new rival in a ninth grade girl? How old is Hank's wife. Is it a second marriage? Why do men always marry someone younger? Because they can, Liz!
	Jack:	Get a grip, Lemon. Kaylie is Hank Hooper's granddaughter. The parents' generation was lost to Trust Fund Kid's Disease. The aunt smokes pot and "paints." The father is trying to sail an inflatable castle across the Atlantic. I have to ensure that Kaylie makes similar choices.
	Liz:	So you're trying to destroy a fourteen year old.
	Jack:	I'm trying to GUIDE a fourteen year old. Maybe I can help her realize some other life goal. To become a doctor's nurse or a lawyer's mistress or even the President of the United States... Shopping Association.
	Liz:	Wow. Typical. Meanwhile I'm helping women ACHIEVE their potential. Because potential is the difference between what you can't do and what can't you do.
	Jack:	Did you get that off of a water bottle?
	Liz:	No. I sent it in but AquaFem did not choose it.

Rebirth Planning


	Frank:	Okay. Word is this Abby Flynn thing is really happening.
	Lutz:	Girl coming!
	Frank:	This is a big opportunity for us. She does not know how much we suck.
	Pete:	But she'll find out soon enough. I mean, how long did it take the women here?
	Cerie:	I don't know. How long does it take to see something? I mean, light travels at 186,000 miles per second, so-
	Frank:	No duh! Being ourselves doesn't work. So. To have a chance with Abby we're creating new identities. I'm going to pretend to be rich.
	Toofer:	And I'll be a dangerous bad boy.
	Lutz:	And I shall be British. Because chicks did British guys. Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee deep in boob.
	Frank:	And if you guys don't go along with this Lutz will play Xbox Kinect with his shirt off again.
	Lutz:	[cut to Lutz playing shirtless Xbox Kinect] Star jump! I found the crystals! [flailing madly]
	Pete:	Rich, bad boy, British. Got it.
	Toofer:	Nice!
	Frank:	All right! [Frank, Toofer, and Lutz high-five]

Jack Probes


	Kenneth:	Now you may have heard of J. Fred Muggs, the chimpanzee that was on the Today Show in the 50s, but what most people don't know is that NBC is still a network.
	Jack:	Speaking of television, is that a field that you would like to go into Kaylie? Work with your grandfather?
	Kaylee Hooper:	Hmmm.
	Jack:	Oh I agree. TV is boring! So do you have a favourite subject in school Kaylie?
	Kaylee Hooper:	You don't want to hear about school. It's dumb.
	Jack:	Whachoo talkin' 'bout, Kaylie? School's cool. Just like Justin Bieber [pronounced bee-EYE-bur].
	Kaylee Hooper:	Well, I never told anyone in my family this before but my dream is to be a marine biologist. My favourite fish is the cleaner wrasse and I even tried to get it chosen as our school mascot but, well I was outvoted so out new mascot is a slut.
	Jack:	So you're interested in marine biology. Hmm who do I know? You've probably never heard of the explorer Bob Ballard.
	Kaylee Hooper:	[squeals] You know Dr. Ballard?! He discovered the Titanic, the Lusitania, and according to his website a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.
	Jack:	I'm also on the board of the American Museum of Natural History.
	Jack:	If you like I could get Dr. Ballard to give us a private tour of the museum.
	Kaylee Hooper:	Oh my gosh, Mr. Donaghy tha'd be SO COOL!
	Kenneth:	Okay, now please follow me to Brian Williams' bathroom which is also J. Fred Muggs' skull.

Meet Abby


	Liz:	Okay guys, Abby's on her way up.
	Lutz:	[in British accent] West Ham drew nil-nil at Wolves?
	Liz:	Stop that! Are you guys changing your personalities for Abby?
	Subhas:	[wearing tux and pushing cleaning cart] Is she here yet?
	Liz:	Subhas, you are married! [waves him off] Okay this is exactly the kind of male douchebaggery that is about to take a real hit around here. Don't you know? I'm talkin' 'bout a femolution. Tracy Chapman. She's a woman, right?
	Liz:	It's a new era at TGS. Let's see the blogosphere say that I hate women now.
	Abby Flynn:	[gasps] Look at all these dudes! I knew I smelled sausage. [giggles]
	Liz:	Abby? I'm Liz.
	Abby Flynn:	Liz! Thank you! [hugs Liz] Op! Our nips just touched. Mine are SO hard. He he he he.
	Liz:	Mine are different sizes. These are the writers.
	Abby Flynn:	Where's little Abby going to sit? [bends over chair] Guess I'm going to have to sit on somebody's lap. [points at Lutz] Eenie.
	Lutz:	Please, God.
	Abby Flynn:	[points at Sue] Meenie.
	Sue:	Come to mommy!
	Abby Flynn:	[points at Toofer] Minie.
	Toofer:	Hey, pick me.
	Abby Flynn:	[points at Frank] Moe! [laughs and laughs and sits on Frank's lap, puts her foot on the table and sucks her thumb]
	Liz:	Give me strength, oh Oprah.

Trouble With Abby


	Kenneth:	When i first started working here an eight year old Shirley Temple taught me how to roll a cigarette.
	Jack:	Lemon, who thinks gesturing with one's thumbs is for poor people is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? [points to himself with his pinkies] This guy.
	Liz:	Already? What did you do to her?
	Jack:	Nothing. She wants to be a marine biologist. Kaylie is playing right into my hands. I also had a youthful fascination with exploration, and I know exactly what any fourteen year old science geek wants to do: practice frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt and meet your idol, like when I met Jacques Cousteau. I will never forget what he said to me. [pause] Ah, I did forget. It was so long ago.
	Liz:	When I was a kid I got to meet the "Where's the Beef?" lady-
	Jack:	With my connection I can make Kaylie's dreams come true. I should dig up my old shell collection and give it to her. Complete the seduction after Bob Ballard and I double-team her.
	Liz:	Word choice, Jack.
	Jack:	Withdrawn.
	Jack:	Lemon is that the new woman you hired?
	Abby Flynn:	[to the crew] Is it cold in here? Or is it just that I'm not wearing any underwear?
	Jack:	She should be careful around the crew. New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. It's a terrible program.
	Abby Flynn:	[in almost unintelligible baby voice] Oh I don't know! What do you think? Nobody knows!
	Jenna:	[slaps Liz] What is that?! [points at Abby]
	Liz:	That is Abby Flynn. She's a guest writer.
	Jenna:	She's being hot and doing baby talk? I invented that! Summer of '98 I took it to a whole new level.
	Jenna:	[flashback to Jenna and Liz at a bar surrounded by admiring guys, with Jenna making baby noises] Uhhh goo gaa!
	Jenna:	There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.
	Abby Flynn:	[laughing and bouncing on trampoline, surrounded by male crew] I don't know how I got here!
	Liz:	No, Jenna, that is exactly the problem. Men infantilize women and women tear each other down.
	Jenna:	Exactly. I'll start by spreading a destructing rumor about her, like the famous one I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis. [whispers] That she has two butts.
	Liz:	Look, you and I actually want the same thing but we're not going to destroy Abby. We're going to fix her.
	Jenna:	Yes. Like you fix a dog. We'll sterilize her.
	Liz:	No! I'm going to show Abby that she doesn't need to act like this.
	Jenna:	[jumping on trampoline with Abby] Hi, I'm Jack, it's nice to meet you.
	Abby Flynn:	Hi I'm Abaga-hi. [they both laugh]
	Jenna:	Uggh whatever.

Jack Baits the Hook


	Jack:	So what do you think, Kaylie? Oceanography's a pretty cool life.
	Kaylee Hooper:	I can't believe I'm talking to Dr. Robert Ballard!
	Bob Ballard:	You're not. Bob is short for Bobert.
	Kaylee Hooper:	[gasps] Oh my gosh, an anglerfish.
	Jack:	Obfius pescatorius. That was my favourite fish as a boy. Look at those teeth!
	Kaylee Hooper:	You know that's a female. The male is much smaller and is basically a parasite that lives on her.
	Jack:	Until mating, of course. Then the male dies.
	Bob Ballard:	Yes, the scientific term for that is "marriage." [laughs, but no one else does] Don't tell Gina I said that.
	Jack:	The ocean really is the final frontier, Kaylie. And we keep finding new things: giant tube worms that breathe hydrogen sulphide, arctic jellyfish, oh, and the chemical in kelp that scientists think might one day cure ice cream headaches. There's so much left to discover and you could be the one to do it. I kind of envy you.
	Bob Ballard:	Youngsters are the future of ocean exploration, Kaylie. I mean, I'm not going to live forever no matter how much gold I give Poseidon. That's why I'm making you a Student Argonaut. [gives her sticker]
	Kaylee Hooper:	[gasps] Oh God! I can't believe this is happening! [squeals]
	Bob Ballard:	You already speak dolphin. Excellent!
	Jack:	Is there an age cutoff for the Student Argonauts? What if you gave me a sticker? As a joke.
	Kaylee Hooper:	You know, Mr. Donaghy, it seems you really love this stuff. Maybe you should have been a deep-sea explorer.
	Jack:	Oh no, Kaylie. That was a boyhood fantasy. I'm an adult now. I don't have fantasies anymore.
	Bob Ballard:	Kaylie, this way.
	Jack:	[imaging himself as a sea captain] There she is, men! The elusive northern right whale. [sings] Oh blow, the wind westerly, let the wind blow. Oh dearie, hi dearie, hay dearie ho!
	Bob Ballard:	Jack? Jack?
	Jack:	[as a sea captain] Yes, sailor, what is it?
	Bob Ballard:	We're moving on.

Abby Confrontation


	Abby Flynn:	Hey Liz!
	Liz:	Abby. Thanks for meeting me here. This place is very special for me.
	Abby Flynn:	Is this where you got your V-card punched?
	Liz:	What? No. Does this look like the makeup room of a clown academy. This is a statue - and I know you know this - of Eleanor Roosevelt, first lady to the world, champion of the rights of women, and the lid on my high school lunchbox. Look, I know it can be hard. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to act a certain way, but TGS is a safe place, so you can drop the sexy baby act and lose the pigtails.
	Abby Flynn:	But I like my pigtails. My uncle says they're sexy.
	Liz:	Enough with the gross jokes. And that voice! I want you to talk in your real voice.
	Abby Flynn:	This is my real voice! And the whole sexy baby thing isn't an act. I'm a very sexy baby. I can't help it if men are attracted to me. Like that homeless guy. He likes what he sees.
	Liz:	Okay, that could be for me.
	Bum:	It's not! It's for her!
	Liz:	Abby, I'm trying to help you.
	Abby Flynn:	Really? My judging me on my appearance and the way I talk? And what's the difference between me using my sexuality and you using those glasses to look smart?
	Liz:	I am smart. I placed out of freshman German.
	Abby Flynn:	Or Lutz using that sexy German accent to get me in the sack.
	Liz:	No! You didn't! Lutz!? Is that even possible? I mean I was there when he Belvedere'd. God, Abby, you can't be that desperate for male attention.
	Abby Flynn:	You know what, Liz? I don't have to explain myself to you. My life is none of your business.
	Liz:	Except it is because you represent my show and you represent my gender in this business and you embarrass me.
	Bum:	Kiss!
	Abby Flynn:	Dude. I am sorry, but this is who I am. Deal with it! Now we gonna give the gentleman what he asked for or not? [goes to kiss Liz]
	Liz:	Ugh.

Jack and What Could Have Been


	Jack:	[looking at picture of him and Jacques Costeau in book titled "Jack Attack"]
	Jack:	Kenneth, when I'm gone how do you think people will remember me?
	Kenneth:	Actually sir I've already started composing a heroic ballad commemorating your life! [singing] Slaves of Jesus hear my tale-
	Jack:	I'll tell you what they'll say. "Hey remember Jack Donaghy? He wore a lot of suits and went to a lot of meetings. Now power down, conversation robot."
	Kenneth:	Sounds like you're asking some pretty big questions. When I have problems I like to talk to the man upstairs. Unfortunately Mr. Gazalean got put in jail for attacking his father.
	Jack:	I mean, what are we put on this earth to do? Sit behind a desk? I'm still young, Kenneth. I could devote the time I have left to other interests. Let Kaylie run Kabletown. I'll join Ballard's crew and become a scientist-adventurer. Now that would be a legacy.
	Kenneth:	I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.
	Jack:	[opens envelope and pulls out collage-card reading: Thanks for the expedition to the museum! Love, Kaylie] This could be me. "Remember Jack Donaghy? He was the world's greatest oceanographer. And we walruses owe him everything for giving us the gift of language."
	Jack:	[ Kenneth goes to put his hand on Jack's shoulder ] No.

Discovering Grossman


	Jenna:	All right. Your time is up my friend. I'm taking control of this Abby situation.
	Liz:	No, Jenna, I'm not done. Check this out. [shows Jenna her laptop]
	Abby Grossman:	[video on laptop] I'm thinking to myself "whatever happened to the erasable pen?" Besides pencils, who's saying that's a bad idea?
	Liz:	I've always thought that but I never had the courage to say it.
	Jenna:	Is that Abby? I knew her boobs were fake. And that baby voice is fake, too. You know, as someone who speaks very naturally [heavily enunciated], I'm offended.
	Liz:	She's taken on a whole new identity. She changed her nose, her teeth, she even changed her name. It's not Abby Flynn, it's Abby Grossman.
	Jenna:	Well that's understandable. I mean, Grossman is a little bagely.
	Liz:	Abby used to be a strong, smart, beautiful woman. Why did she transform herself into that baby hooker?
	Jenna:	[turns and quietly records audio on phone] Children's book idea: baby hooker. Don't tell Liz.
	Liz:	Well, I'm confronting Abby with this in front of everybody.
	Jenna:	Oh that's vicious. Forget my idea, yours is so elegant.
	Liz:	No, Jenna, for the last time we're HELPING her.
	Jenna:	Say no more. Gotcha, boss.

Jack's Back


	Conference Call:	Who else is on the call?
	Conference Call:	Catherine Scott, sales.
	Conference Call:	Ander Hoperman, west sales.
	Conference Call:	Gil Kauffman, oversight.
	Conference Call:	I got everyone from meeting planning: Tricia, Maria, Greg, Greg. P, Lyle, Edwin.
	Conference Call:	This is Charles, I'm on for Douglas...
	Jack:	[looking at Kaylie's collage-card] [gasps]

Jack Meets His Match


	Kaylee Hooper:	Mr. Donaghy! What are you doing here?
	Jack:	I could ask you the same thing. That would make no sense. Where did you get this picture of Cousteau? [shows Kaylie her collage-card]
	Kaylee Hooper:	That? The Internet?
	Jack:	This picture exists in only two places: the negative is in my personal safe, along with my will and some Beanie Babies that I thought would be worth more. Or it can be found in the right book. [grabs and dumps out Kaylie's backpack]
	Kaylee Hooper:	Hey, what are you doing?
	Jack:	Quiet, chalk hands. A real man is talking. [picks up book] Why do you have this, Kaylie? Why are you reading my autobiography?
	Kaylee Hooper:	Same reason you're reading pop pop's book. Researching the enemy.
	Jack:	So it's true. I was trying to make you think you didn't want to run Kabletown while you were doing the same thing to me.
	Kaylee Hooper:	What a super sleuth. You're just like Vanessa from the Vampire Detective Mysteries.
	Jack:	I'm not familiar with that reference but I assume that Vanessa is some kind of cool genius. You don't even like the ocean, do you?
	Kaylee Hooper:	I HATE the ocean. It's for tools.
	Jack:	The ocean's awesome and for winner. YOU'RE for tools.
	Kaylee Hooper:	You can't beat me, Mr. Donaghy! You worked your way into this world but I... I was born into it. I BREATHED it. So watch your step. Cuz I can always tell pop pop that you gave me alcohol.
	Jack:	And I can always seduce one of your teachers and get her to fail you.
	Female Teacher:	I'd be into that.
	Male Teacher:	Me too.
	Jack:	[drops book] Better pick up your books or you'll be late for class.
	Kaylee Hooper:	This is my free period.
	Jack:	Well played.
	Kaylee Hooper:	Meagan! Books. [walks into school as Meagan scrambles to pick up her books]

Liz Hates Women


	Abby Flynn:	You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go! [laughs]
	Liz:	Okay there's something that everyone here needs to see. Abby, you might want to sit down for this.
	Sue:	Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas.
	Liz:	Oh a chair! Come on, Sue. Abby, this is for your own good. Open Apple. Tough love time.
	Abby Grossman:	[internet video on laptop] Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch? You know-
	Pete:	Is that you?
	Abby Flynn:	I don't know where you found that, but I am taking it DOWN. [laughs] That's what she said!
	Liz:	Okay, first of all Steve Carell owns "that's what she said." He owns it. And second of all, it's time to stop hiding. A young person helped me online-post this on JoanOfSnark.com. [shows Abby site with article headline "Abby Flynn Before She Was Abby Flynn" and a video of Abby Grossman]
	Abby Grossman:	You stupid meddling bitch!
	Liz:	Yes! There's your real voice! There's Abby Grossman! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, [in crazy old woman voice] "We are all-"
	Abby Grossman:	Do you understand what you've done? You have signed my death warrant.
	Liz:	How's that now?
	Abby Grossman:	My ex-husband is going to see this, he's going to find out where I am and he's going to try to run me over with his car again. I changed my appearance to get away from him.
	Liz:	Oh, cuz I thought it was like... pressure from society.
	Abby Grossman:	You're right Liz, I was hiding. From a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping With the Enemy.
	Jenna:	I was cut out of that.
	Abby Grossman:	Yeah, I was desperate for male attention because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz.
	Lutz:	And I shall protect her.
	Guy:	Is there an Abby Flynn here?
	Lutz:	That her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!
	Pete:	Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy.
	Lutz:	[pees himself]
	Liz:	Okay I think we all owe Abby an apology.
	Abby Grossman:	Oh my God it's from him. "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven." Great, I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time.
	Liz:	I don't know... your coloring.
	Liz:	You know what, don't listen to me.
	Abby Grossman:	You must really hate women, Liz. [leaving] Liz Lemon is a Judas to all women-kind!
	Jenna:	[gives Liz double thumbs up]
	Liz:	Okay. We were on page six, where Wonder Woman gets per period.

PSA


	Bob Ballard:	Tonight's tag's going to be a nice wrap-up scene between Jack and Liz. After all they spent the whole episode trying to help young women. But first I would like to correct some of the science we saw tonight. There is no oil in kelp that helps cure ice cream headaches. No. The only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is having sex on a motorcycle. Kaylie was not speaking dolphin. When a dolphin expresses excitement it sounds like this. [opens his mouth and dolphin sounds come out] Okay we've had a lot of fun tonight and it's not over. In the time remaining we're going to go to that Jack and Liz wrap-up scene I promised you.

Wrap Up Scene


	Jack:	[toasts Liz] Well, Lemon-

TGS Hates Women [ Season 5 | Episode: 16 ] - Episode. Explained.