When It Rains, It Pours
[ Season 5 | Episode: 2 ] - Episode. Explained.
* Quotes are grouped by Scene
Liz's New Charm
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Ritchie:
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Liz:
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What's up Edit Seven gang? Ritchie. Donna. Ray..dee....
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Ritchie:
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Split the different but keep the music where it is.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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Piece for the Today Show about how next month is October.
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Liz:
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Islanders, huh? So you think they're going to end up trading Fran..son..den..?
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Ritchie:
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Who, Matt Molson? They should. I'm better than that clown.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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Do I play? I go to Islanders Fantasy Camp every year.
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Liz:
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You must be a strong skater.
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Ritchie:
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Well I can't go backwards, but yeah, I'm good.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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Oh. [laughs] No, better. Civil War re-enactor. Kind of an expert at getting shot by smoothbore firearms. You know? [pretends he's being shot] Like KAHH! KAHHR! KUGH! KUGH! KUGH! KOHH! HRRUGH! HUHHH! KAHHHH! KUHH! HUHR! KUHH! KAHHHH!! OOOHHRR! Death to Lincoln!
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Liz:
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Oh, so, a Southern gentlemen?
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Ritchie:
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[laughs] Well thank you, thank you very much.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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Yeah.. Yeah. Cool hat, by the way. Hey, you know what, let's switch to the other deck. I forgot I gotta get those TGS titles done for Liz here. [winks]
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Editors Are Evil
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Ritchie:
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Your main titles, m'lady.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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And this is a CD of some civil war songs I thought you'd like. It's very authentic. So don't play it around your black friends.
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Liz:
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Well thanks, Ritchie. [goes to hug Liz]
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Ritchie:
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Okay. Ooohh. Wow, this is a nice hug. Two becoming one, hmm? [chuckles] Ahhh. Bam! [pretends he's shooting Liz]
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Liz:
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Frank:
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What the hell, Liz? I thought Ritchie was lying. You know, if you wanted to cheat on Carol with an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes, I've made it very clear I would flip over my futon for you. Not cool!
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Liz:
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What is he talking about?
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Pete:
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Okay. It's not a big deal. Ritchie has just been telling the crew that you two are... sleeping together.
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Liz:
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Jenna:
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Your new vibe is a double-edged sword. Much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.
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Liz:
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Great! So that's what I get for being happy? For being nice? And rocking a cowboy hat that a KISS FM deejay one called "a sweet lid"? [throws cowboy hat in the garbage]
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Pete:
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Wait, you can't say anything to him!
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Liz:
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Pete:
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If you do he'll take it out on TGS! On us! I'll be here waiting for edits till four in the morning when I should be at Home. Which is a name of a bar I found near the train station.
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Liz:
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I'm sorry, you want me to just take this for the team?
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Pete:
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Please. You know he can make our lives a living hell.
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Jenna:
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We all make sacrifices, Liz. I had to be at work this morning at eleven o'clock.
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Liz:
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Fine. [takes hat out of garbage and flicks sauce on Pete]
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Pete:
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Och, you got sauce on me! You know, neighbors who wear my exact size don't die every day!
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Tracy, Trivia Master
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Benjamin:
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A gift from France to the United States, the Statue of Liberty was completed in what year?
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Tracy:
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C'mon, I don't know that.
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Benjamin:
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You have fifteen seconds or you're out of the cab.
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Tracy:
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Okay. I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip outta her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies, and the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had threw a bottle at. That was 1986. And "centennial" is a hundred years, cuz centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it! 1886!
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Benjamin:
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Benjamin:
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Weighing up to four tons, what kind of mammal is the famous Shamu?
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Tracy:
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SHE is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
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Benjamin:
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Tracy:
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The Legacy Continues
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Jack:
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[to a video camera] Son, I may not be there for your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that. But I want to offer you one piece of fatherly advice: do not hire Sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it's just... demoralizing.
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Jack:
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After I'm gone, your mother may meet someone else. I want her to be happy, so his death must appear to be accidental.
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Jack:
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The secret to a strong healthy head of hair is dove... blood.
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Jack:
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Remember, the backflip is ninety percent confidence. [prepares to do backflip]
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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Kenneth, what are you doing here?
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Kenneth:
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I'm sorry sir, I was just sweeping your terrace and then you came in and I was trapped. Just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed --
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Jack:
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Hang on, are you sneaking in here and working?
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Kenneth:
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I know how much you all need me --
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Jack:
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Stop right there. Guess what, other people can figure out how to sort the mail and answer the phones. We don't need you. So move on with your life, starting now.
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Jack:
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[to the video recorder] That is called "tough love." Kenneth is now on a journey that will either return him here where he belongs or end... in his death.
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Jack:
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[picks up three apples] Juggling is easier than it looks.
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The Confrontation
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Liz:
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Who do you think you are?
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Ritchie:
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Ritchie Tomodo? Islanders fan and roleplaying slave owner?
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Liz:
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I know what you've been saying about me. That we're sleeping together? You know what, Ritchie? I'm actually seeing someone right now, and he's never around cuz he's a pilot. His name is Carol.
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Ritchie:
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Liz:
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I know how it sounds! And Carol is the reason I was nice to you. Because for once in my life I felt like being nice. Well I don't care how you punish my show. It's over. I take my hug back!
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Ritchie:
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No, L- Liz. That is not why I did it.
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Liz:
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Oh real-o? I meant to say "really," I mis-spoke. Continue.
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Ritchie:
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Oh. Come in, come in, come in, come in. [pulls Liz into recording booth]
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Ritchie:
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Liz, are you familiar with the phrase "when it rains, it pours"? I don't meet a lot of women. Now, I started doing fantasy hockey camp and civil war recreationism to meet girls. But I don't know where they are. So. Yes. When you were nice to me I took advantage of it, to try to make someone else... notice.
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Liz:
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Ritchie:
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My assistance editor. Donna. Mmm. For seven years I've been sitting close enough to touch her, but a million miles away. I'm really sorry that I did what I did, but it's just that I am in love with her. I love her so much! Hooo! Donna! Donna Stronk!
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Liz:
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Alright. I'll make you a deal.
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The Real Return of Kenneth
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Jack:
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[to video camera] As you go through life, I will always be here for you through these tapes. Also, I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church, and have been assured that I will have certain powers in heaven. Sending you messages through animals, for instance. In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice... and then do the opposite.
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Kenneth:
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[knocks] Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry but you were wrong, sir. I am needed here. More than I even knew!
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Jack:
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Very well. I'll let HR know.
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Kenneth:
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No, sir. If I'm going to return, it must be through the proper channels. I'm going to reapply to the NBC Page Program following standard procedures for acceptance.
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Jack:
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You do whatever you want to, Kenneth.
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Kenneth:
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I won't let you down, sir.
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Jack:
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I really don't care. [walks out]
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Kenneth:
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[yells after him] Your ability to hide your true feelings is part of your great strength!
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Twists
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Tracy:
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You ready for this, Jackie D?
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Jack:
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As of today, yes, I made all my video tapes.
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Tracy:
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Jack:
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I'm not going to be around forever, Tracy, so I recorded advice for every scenario my son could face.
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Tracy:
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Jackie D. You want to make God laugh, make a plan. Or read a Muday Barry book. You aren't about being old, Jack. You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens what happens in life. [checks bundle he's holding] Wait a minute. There's no baby in here!
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Jack:
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Tracy:
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Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
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Jack:
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[answers cell phone] Avery, I'm with Tracy.
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Avery:
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We're having a damn girl!
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Jack:
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Avery:
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That Russian skank read the ultrasound wrong. Ahhhh! I'm just so worried about her spatial reasoning and upper body strength. Jack, talk me down.
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Jack:
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[to Tracy] I'm having a girl!
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Tracy:
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I hate to say I told you so, so... Welcome to Miami!
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Jack:
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I've got to make new tapes.
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