When It Rains, It Pours    [ Season 5 | Episode: 2 ] - Episode. Explained.

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When It Rains It Pours

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   Liz:
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[to Jenna] ...hanging out with him is so easy --
   Construction Worker:
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Hey yo! [Liz and Jenna turn] Back that -- [jackhammer noise, he motions to his crotch] -- and you can -- [jackhammer noise] -- while I eat a -- [jackhammer noise] -- towel -- [jackhammer noise, cups imaginary breasts].
   Liz:
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Disgusting, sir! Would you talk like that to your mother? Or your daughter? Or your surgeon? Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully --
   Jenna:
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Hey! I wasn't talkin to her. I was talkin to you, glasses.
   Liz:
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I bet you have -- [jackhammer noise] -- specific -- [jackhammer noise] -- infected penis.
   Jenna:
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That's never happened to me before.
   Liz:
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Well I'm not surprised. Not because you're not cute. You are. Like a pretty refugee on the news. It's because you always put out this negative energy, but now that you're with someone, you're happy and confident. Guys can sense that.
   Jenna:
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Confident, huh? So can I finally wear that cowboy hat I bought at KISS FM's Lake Jam '97?
   Liz:
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Um... The point is, being with someone makes people want to be with you. You know: when it rains, it pours.
   Hobo:
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Heyyy.... I want your feet in my mouth.
   Jenna:
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When it rains it pours!
   Liz:
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When it rains it pours!

The Announcement

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   Liz:
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Hello Javery. Time saver.
   Jack:
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Lemon, we have news. By God, I created man.
   Avery:
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We're having a boy.
   Liz:
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That's great! Congratulations!
   Avery:
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Think about it, Liz. Every woman my boy dates will get compared to me. And they WILL be found wanting.
   Jack:
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He's very lucky to have you as his mother.
   Liz:
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I'll tell you why he's lucky. He's got an old dad.
   Jack:
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I'm sorry?
   Liz:
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I had an old dad. It was awesome. I could get away with ANYTHING.
   Liz:
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[flashback to teenaged Liz in dad's liquor cabinet] This is just what I need... to store my rock collection.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I'm not an old dad. Fifty is the new forty. For me. Fifty is still sixty for women.
   Liz:
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Whateves, Tony Randall.
   Jack:
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Whateves indeed, because that makes you... Jack Klugman.
   Liz:
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Daaaaamn! I'm a writer, I'm messy, I'm a loveable curmudgeon! That is solid! Advantage, Donaghy!

Return of Kenneth

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   Liz:
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Hmmm... Run downs are already out. I can't believe how smoothly everything's going without Kenneth here.
   Jenna:
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I know. Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say "peace" but they wrote "white hooker" instead. I forgot I was getting it removed today, but someone slipped a note under my door to remind me.
   Liz:
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Well, no one could ever replace Kenneth, but these new kids are getting it done.

Werewolfing

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   Dotcom:
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Liz, Tracy will not be coming out of his dressing room today.
   Liz:
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Oh c'mon! What now?
   Tracy:
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I'm werewolfing myself.
   Liz:
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Sure.
   Tracy:
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You know when a dude knows he's going to turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail? Well I'm embarrassed to say I missed the birth of both of my sons. For very legitimate reasons.
   Dotcom:
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"Cooking a french bread pizza," and "forgot."
   Tracy:
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So I promised Angie I will NOT miss the birth of our daughter.
   Dotcom:
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She was due yesterday so we're not taking any chances. Griz is guarding the other door --
   Grizz:
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And reading!
   Dotcom:
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Also we took Tracy's cell phone, his wallet --
   Tracy:
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And my mood ring! And I don't know how I feel about that.
   Liz:
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Well, I'm glad you're going to be there for Angie. Good for you.
   Tracy:
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And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.

Liz Fixes It

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   Pete:
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It's your turn.
   Liz:
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What?
   Pete:
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Editing hasn't sent up the title sequence yet and it's your turn to go down there. God I hate how much power they have over us. Who do they think they are? Mommy and her sisters?
   Liz:
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Jeez, calm down!
   Pete:
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They know we need them, so they torture us.
   Pete:
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How's it going?
   Ritchie:
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I'm done actually. [throws take out food at hits Pete]
   Liz:
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Okay, you know what? I will take care of editing from now on.
   Pete:
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Really?
   Liz:
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Yeah! I'll go down there, turn on the new Liz Lemon charm, a little Julia Roberts laugh. [weird forced laugh]
   Pete:
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What's in your teeth?
   Liz:
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Corn!

I Am Jack's Mortality

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   Jack:
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Seventy, Lemon. I will be seventy years old when my son graduates prep school.
   Liz:
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Och, c'mon. Is this about my "old dad" thing? I was joking.
   Jack:
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Will I even be there for his first subpoena? Will I ever experience the father-son bonding of realizing you're both at the same masked orgy at a castle? I will be senile or dead for the better part of my child's life.
   Liz:
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[puts on cowboy hat] Am I pulling this off?
   Jack:
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I cannot escape death, Lemon. But I will cheat it. Whatever happens to me, I must find a way to speak to and guide my son even from the grave.
   Liz:
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Oooooo! [alarm goes off] Ahhh!
   P.A.:
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This is a test of the fire system. Please evacuate the building.
   Liz:
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You coming downstairs?
   Jack:
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And stand outside in the crowd like some Italian? I don't think so.
   Pete:
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You know, as Floor Fire Marshall, Kenneth always ran the fire drills. Who's doing it now?
   Liz:
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One of the new kids, I guess.

Werewolf vs. Fire

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   P.A.:
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This is a fire drill. All NBC employees exit to the plaza.
   Tracy:
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I can't leave my dressing room until Angie goes into labor. But the president is saying we have to go outside.
   Dotcom:
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It's okay, Trey. We'll all go down together, then we'll bring you back up. Just stay with your grown up. [Tracy holds on to Griz' shirt]
   Tracy:
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If I were a real werewolf, I'd wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn't get all torn up. Same rule for if I were the Hulk. I don't get why people like brunch. What's the benefit of combining breakdancing and lunch.
   Dotcom:
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Trey?
   Tracy:
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[on bus, realizing he's holding onto a different large black man's green shirt] You're not Griz!
   Dotcom:
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[cell phone rings] Hello?
   Angie:
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I'm at the damn hospital! Where's Tracy?
   Dotcom:
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Parle pas anglais. Quelqu'un doit vous avoir donné un faux numéro. Désolé. [translated: I don't speak English. Someone must have given you a wrong number. Sorry.]
   Angie:
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What!? [groans]
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Good morning! Now, full disclosure: most of my experience is putting babies IN women.
   Angie:
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Ooh, I'm gonna kill that man!
   Dr. Spaceman:
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You just described my morning. Now, Mrs. Jordan, I've already administered the epidural, so... would you like one as well?
   Angie:
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Ugh!
   Dr. Spaceman:
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I'm trying to help you.

Jack's Legacy Begins

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   Jack:
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[to video recorder] My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave, or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghy's originally come from Ireland's County Steve, where historically we were whisky testers and goblins. I was raised in Sadchester, Massachutches. I won the Amory Blaine Handsomeness scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School where I was voted "Most." I once hit a stand up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person even to say "I need a vacation from this vacation." The song "You're So Vain" was in fact written by me. In other words I have lived. In living I have learned. And now I want to impart that knowledge to you. I will begin with the basics. You are hiking in the Japanese highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you and the blade of your katana is frosted into it's scabbard.

Liz's New Charm

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   Ritchie:
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[knock at door] What?
   Liz:
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What's up Edit Seven gang? Ritchie. Donna. Ray..dee....
   Ritchie:
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Split the different but keep the music where it is.
   Liz:
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Whatcha guys working on?
   Ritchie:
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Piece for the Today Show about how next month is October.
   Liz:
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Islanders, huh? So you think they're going to end up trading Fran..son..den..?
   Ritchie:
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Who, Matt Molson? They should. I'm better than that clown.
   Liz:
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So you play?
   Ritchie:
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Do I play? I go to Islanders Fantasy Camp every year.
   Liz:
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You must be a strong skater.
   Ritchie:
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Well I can't go backwards, but yeah, I'm good.
   Liz:
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Were you in the army?
   Ritchie:
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Oh. [laughs] No, better. Civil War re-enactor. Kind of an expert at getting shot by smoothbore firearms. You know? [pretends he's being shot] Like KAHH! KAHHR! KUGH! KUGH! KUGH! KOHH! HRRUGH! HUHHH! KAHHHH! KUHH! HUHR! KUHH! KAHHHH!! OOOHHRR! Death to Lincoln!
   Liz:
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Oh, so, a Southern gentlemen?
   Ritchie:
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[laughs] Well thank you, thank you very much.
   Liz:
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[laughs] Ritchie!
   Ritchie:
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Yeah.. Yeah. Cool hat, by the way. Hey, you know what, let's switch to the other deck. I forgot I gotta get those TGS titles done for Liz here. [winks]

Cash Cab

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   Tracy:
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I just gotta get to the hospital and wait there. Taxi! [taxi stops] Sir, I don't have any money, but I need to get to Mount Sinai Hospital.
   Benjamin:
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No problem, hop in.
   Tracy:
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Wow, just like I always say, white cab drivers are weird.
   Benjamin:
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You're in a Cash Cab, it's a TV game show that takes place right here in my taxi.
   Tracy:
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Explain the rules.
   Benjamin:
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You answer trivia questions for money and a free ride. But if you answer incorrectly, the game is over and you're out of the cab.
   Tracy:
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So for me to be there at the birth of my daughter, I have to answer trivia questions, despite having gone to middle school in a Exxon station?
   Benjamin:
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Yeah. You ready to play?
   Tracy:
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Bring it.

Editors Are Evil

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   Ritchie:
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Your main titles, m'lady.
   Liz:
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Ha!
   Ritchie:
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And this is a CD of some civil war songs I thought you'd like. It's very authentic. So don't play it around your black friends.
   Liz:
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Well thanks, Ritchie. [goes to hug Liz]
   Ritchie:
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Okay. Ooohh. Wow, this is a nice hug. Two becoming one, hmm? [chuckles] Ahhh. Bam! [pretends he's shooting Liz]
   Liz:
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FLAAHHHH!
   Frank:
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What the hell, Liz? I thought Ritchie was lying. You know, if you wanted to cheat on Carol with an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes, I've made it very clear I would flip over my futon for you. Not cool!
   Liz:
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What is he talking about?
   Pete:
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Okay. It's not a big deal. Ritchie has just been telling the crew that you two are... sleeping together.
   Liz:
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What?!
   Jenna:
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Your new vibe is a double-edged sword. Much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.
   Liz:
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Great! So that's what I get for being happy? For being nice? And rocking a cowboy hat that a KISS FM deejay one called "a sweet lid"? [throws cowboy hat in the garbage]
   Pete:
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Wait, you can't say anything to him!
   Liz:
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Are you kidding me?
   Pete:
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If you do he'll take it out on TGS! On us! I'll be here waiting for edits till four in the morning when I should be at Home. Which is a name of a bar I found near the train station.
   Liz:
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I'm sorry, you want me to just take this for the team?
   Pete:
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Please. You know he can make our lives a living hell.
   Jenna:
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We all make sacrifices, Liz. I had to be at work this morning at eleven o'clock.
   Liz:
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Fine. [takes hat out of garbage and flicks sauce on Pete]
   Pete:
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Och, you got sauce on me! You know, neighbors who wear my exact size don't die every day!

Tracy, Trivia Master

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   Benjamin:
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A gift from France to the United States, the Statue of Liberty was completed in what year?
   Tracy:
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C'mon, I don't know that.
   Benjamin:
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You have fifteen seconds or you're out of the cab.
   Tracy:
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Okay. I remember going to the Statue of Liberty Centennial, cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was going to slip outta her toga, and I wanted to see some green boobies, and the Mets had just won the World Series cuz that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I had threw a bottle at. That was 1986. And "centennial" is a hundred years, cuz centipeding means having sex with a hundred women. I got it! 1886!
   Benjamin:
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Yes! That is correct!
   Benjamin:
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Weighing up to four tons, what kind of mammal is the famous Shamu?
   Tracy:
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SHE is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
   Benjamin:
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Right again.
   Tracy:
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I'm coming, Angie!

The Legacy Continues

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   Jack:
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[to a video camera] Son, I may not be there for your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that. But I want to offer you one piece of fatherly advice: do not hire Sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it's just... demoralizing.
   Jack:
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After I'm gone, your mother may meet someone else. I want her to be happy, so his death must appear to be accidental.
   Jack:
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The secret to a strong healthy head of hair is dove... blood.
   Jack:
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Remember, the backflip is ninety percent confidence. [prepares to do backflip]
   Kenneth:
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Achoo! Achoo!
   Jack:
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Kenneth, what are you doing here?
   Kenneth:
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I'm sorry sir, I was just sweeping your terrace and then you came in and I was trapped. Just like the time I was cleaning my closet and my mom and her friend Ron came in to take one of their grunting naps on my bed --
   Jack:
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Hang on, are you sneaking in here and working?
   Kenneth:
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I know how much you all need me --
   Jack:
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Stop right there. Guess what, other people can figure out how to sort the mail and answer the phones. We don't need you. So move on with your life, starting now.
   Jack:
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[to the video recorder] That is called "tough love." Kenneth is now on a journey that will either return him here where he belongs or end... in his death.
   Jack:
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[picks up three apples] Juggling is easier than it looks.

Liz's Last Straws

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   Frank:
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No, it IS true. They're doing it.
   Brian Williams:
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And we have this just in to us: Ritchie and Liz spotted in tree. Eyewitnesses report K-I-S-S-I-N-G. For more, let's go to NBC's Andrea Mitchell.
   Andrea Mitchell:
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Thank you, Brian. [to Liz] Slut.
   Brian Williams:
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[fist bump and laugh, as Liz looks apalled and angry]
   Andrea Mitchell:
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[fist bump and laugh, as Liz looks apalled and angry]

The Confrontation

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   Liz:
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Who do you think you are?
   Ritchie:
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Ritchie Tomodo? Islanders fan and roleplaying slave owner?
   Liz:
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I know what you've been saying about me. That we're sleeping together? You know what, Ritchie? I'm actually seeing someone right now, and he's never around cuz he's a pilot. His name is Carol.
   Ritchie:
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That sounds really fake.
   Liz:
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I know how it sounds! And Carol is the reason I was nice to you. Because for once in my life I felt like being nice. Well I don't care how you punish my show. It's over. I take my hug back!
   Ritchie:
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No, L- Liz. That is not why I did it.
   Liz:
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Oh real-o? I meant to say "really," I mis-spoke. Continue.
   Ritchie:
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Oh. Come in, come in, come in, come in. [pulls Liz into recording booth]
   Ritchie:
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Liz, are you familiar with the phrase "when it rains, it pours"? I don't meet a lot of women. Now, I started doing fantasy hockey camp and civil war recreationism to meet girls. But I don't know where they are. So. Yes. When you were nice to me I took advantage of it, to try to make someone else... notice.
   Liz:
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Who?
   Ritchie:
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My assistance editor. Donna. Mmm. For seven years I've been sitting close enough to touch her, but a million miles away. I'm really sorry that I did what I did, but it's just that I am in love with her. I love her so much! Hooo! Donna! Donna Stronk!
   Liz:
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Alright. I'll make you a deal.

Kenneth's Dilemma

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   Kenneth:
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[packing] So many memories. [phone rings] Hello? Parcel in the squatter's residence.
   Angie:
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Where the hell is Tracy Jordan?!
   Kenneth:
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Mrs. Jordan? Oh, I don't --
   Angie:
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I'm out of my mind on a lot of drugs right now.
   Kenneth:
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Drugs during childbirth? Isn't the whole point feeling God punish you?
   Angie:
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If that man is not here for THIS, it is over! You year me?
   Kenneth:
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[looks at Tracy Jordan life-sized cutout]

Tracy's Almost There!

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   Tracy:
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The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know cuz I'm a descendent of Thomas Jefferson AND Lazy Susan herself!
   Tracy:
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The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I'll be executed.
   Tracy:
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There're twelve tones in the chromatic scale. [singing] I know that be-cause I'm a musical gen-ius!

Jack's Legacy With Props

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   Jack:
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[to video camera] This is how you throw a punch.
   Lutz:
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Wait, what?
   Jack:
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And the tree was happy. Shel Silverstein was a communist.
   Jack:
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And that... is the art of camouflage.
   Jack:
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And this is how you make love to a woman.
   Lutz:
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Huh?
   Angie:
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Trenneth Supports Angie

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   Kenneth:
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[wearing Tracy Jordan mask] Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Pull, Angie, pull!
   Angie:
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I knew you wouldn't let me down, baby!
   Kenneth:
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[impersonating Tracy] Of course not, woman. I'm your husband.
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Dammit! I gotta go feed the meter!
   Angie:
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
   Kenneth:
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
   Angie:
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Hooo! Hooo! Hooo!

Ritchie Breaks Up With Liz

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   Liz:
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Oh hey, Ritchie. Are we still on for the music concert this weekend?
   Ritchie:
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Liz, we need to talk... about us. Liz, we've had a lot of fun.
   Liz:
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End it, why?
   Ritchie:
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But I need to end it.
   Liz:
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End it, why? Without you around who's going to satisfy my sex needs and then some.
   Ritchie:
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[chuckles] Oh, Liz, you'll find someone.
   Liz:
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No I won't. Not someone like you. How many guys out there have a fully loaded Toyota Tercel? Or a real pinball machine? How many guys have been to Canada... twice? Are you doing this to me because I don't share your love of unicorns?
   Ritchie:
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Ohhh, Liz, don't blame yourself. See you in another life, kiddo.
   Liz:
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I guess some other woman will get to enjoy that water bed... that you're saving up for.
   Donna:
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What's up, Ritchie?

Tracy Wins Cash Cab!

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   Benjamin:
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Congratulation, Tracy, you made it!
   Tracy:
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Tracy Jordan! Hero! Husband! Diabetic slash alcoholic! Yes! [tries to open door]
   Benjamin:
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Hold on, let me unlock it for you.
   Tracy:
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Am I pulling it right?
   Benjamin:
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Just let go of the handle.
   Tracy:
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Ok. It's still not opening.
   Benjamin:
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Just stop pulling it!
   Tracy:
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I'm trying to pull it, you keep saying push!
   Benjamin:
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[at the same time] Tracy, if you're pulling on it while I'm hitting the button, it's not going to unlock.
   Tracy:
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[at the same time] What you want me to do, yelling at me won't make it better!
   Benjamin:
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[at the same time] It's not going to unlock! Stop pulling on it!
   Tracy:
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[at the same time] It ain't gonna open! I'm freaking out!

The Miracle of Birth

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   Dr. Spaceman:
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Good God, what's wrong with it? Ah. It's upside down. My bad.
   Kenneth:
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Well Angie, you did it. We did it. I was here for you --
   Tracy:
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[arrives and pushes Kenneth aside] -- cuz I love you, baby. And I will always be by your side no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way. I wouldn't have missed whatever just happened here for anything. I don't know what I'd do without you. And I mean it. [Kenneth gives Tracy the thumbs up] Why's that baby covered with goop?
   Dr. Spaceman:
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Cuz everything about this is disgusting!

The Real Return of Kenneth

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   Jack:
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[to video camera] As you go through life, I will always be here for you through these tapes. Also, I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church, and have been assured that I will have certain powers in heaven. Sending you messages through animals, for instance. In the unlikely event that you encounter something that is not covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon, get her advice... and then do the opposite.
   Kenneth:
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[knocks] Mr. Donaghy, I'm sorry but you were wrong, sir. I am needed here. More than I even knew!
   Jack:
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Very well. I'll let HR know.
   Kenneth:
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No, sir. If I'm going to return, it must be through the proper channels. I'm going to reapply to the NBC Page Program following standard procedures for acceptance.
   Jack:
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You do whatever you want to, Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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I won't let you down, sir.
   Jack:
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I really don't care. [walks out]
   Kenneth:
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[yells after him] Your ability to hide your true feelings is part of your great strength!

Twists

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   Tracy:
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You ready for this, Jackie D?
   Jack:
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As of today, yes, I made all my video tapes.
   Tracy:
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Explain.
   Jack:
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I'm not going to be around forever, Tracy, so I recorded advice for every scenario my son could face.
   Tracy:
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Jackie D. You want to make God laugh, make a plan. Or read a Muday Barry book. You aren't about being old, Jack. You could live forever, but you still can't predict what happens what happens in life. [checks bundle he's holding] Wait a minute. There's no baby in here!
   Jack:
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Good God!
   Tracy:
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Oh, she's in the crib. Good.
   Jack:
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[answers cell phone] Avery, I'm with Tracy.
   Avery:
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We're having a damn girl!
   Jack:
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What?!
   Avery:
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That Russian skank read the ultrasound wrong. Ahhhh! I'm just so worried about her spatial reasoning and upper body strength. Jack, talk me down.
   Jack:
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[to Tracy] I'm having a girl!
   Tracy:
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I hate to say I told you so, so... Welcome to Miami!
   Jack:
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I've got to make new tapes.

Jack Recruits Liz

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   Jack:
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[to video camera] My daughter... I am John Frances Donaghy. I am your father. If you have the blondness and self-esteem of your mother, you will need no advice; life will be easy for you. Otherwise, I'd like to introduce you to... Elizabeth Lemon.
   Liz:
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Good afternoon, let's jump in. Every human has hair on his or her face, some of us just have more. I think it's nice to occasionally splurge on a straight razor shave.
   Liz:
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If you're running low on laundry a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear.
   Liz:
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Bandanas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory --
   Jack:
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This is over.
   Liz:
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Just let me give my reasons! [Jack reaches to turn off the video recorder] Put potato chips on a sandwich!