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Liz:
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Pick up your phone, Criss! Jack, I can't talk, I'm mentally writing an apology and it's giving me a tension headache and I am so cold!
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Jack:
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I want to have sex with Avery's mother!
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Liz:
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Jack:
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I know. And maybe it's just the loneliness and frustration and stupid Valentine's day, but she's amazing! And come on, didn't our friends the ancient Old Mex bed both mother and daughter to satisfy their jaguar gods? … And everybody loves them.
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Liz:
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Jack, listen to me, that is wrong on so many levels. You can *never* sleep with her. Never! Never, ever, ever! Never, ever, ever! Never, ever, ever!
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Jack:
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I get it, Lemon, thank you. Just hearing your labored breathing while you walk up stairs has purged me of all sexual desire.
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Liz:
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Well, glad I could help. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to clean up the mess I made here with--Criss! You're still here. I tried to call you.
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Criss:
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What? "Twenty missed calls"? How did that … Right! My ringtone is the sounds of cooking which is perfect because I love cooking, but when I'm cooking--
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Jack:
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Lemon, please hang up, I can't listen to anymore of this.
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Liz:
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Look, I was planning on saying, "It was my fault," and "Please, let's get back together", but it doesn't look like I need to.
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Criss:
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What do you mean "get back together"? You thought we broke up because of that fight? No, that would be idiotic! You wanted a table, I wasn't super helpful, who cares?
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Liz:
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I tend to care, you kno--. … I let little things ruin stuff. I stopped shopping at Kmart because I found out that Kathy Ireland didn't design any of her signature socks. But maybe after forty years--
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Criss:
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Liz:
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Criss:
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Eh, don't bother. You can get mad at dumb stuff, that's your thing, I'll get over it, that's my thing. It's kind of perfect.
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Liz:
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But how are we ever going to break up?
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Criss:
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I don't know, maybe we never will. Maybe we'll still be celebrating Valentine's together a hundred years from now.
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Liz:
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Well, do you think our ape overlords will let us?
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Criss:
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Oh, they'll let you and me do whatever we want because we'll be spying on the rest of humanity for the ape police.
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Liz:
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Wait, where did you get a table?
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Criss:
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I made it. I gathered fallen tree branches from Riverside Park.
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Liz:
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That's where we first met!
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Criss:
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And the top is a Herman Kadin poster I found in a dumpster.
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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Excuse me, I have a package for Liz Lemon?
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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You're the head writer of TGS? But you're so beautiful!
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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I love your brown hair, it's so bouncy, like the "after" picture in a lice ad.
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Liz:
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Thank you. It's from intermitten washing.
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Hazel:
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And you own this place? Holy moley, there's stairs?! And a dining room table? Is this your boyfriend?
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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Mashed potatoes in a martini glass? Who are you, the President? Of France?
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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You are an inspiration, Liz Lemon.
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Liz:
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Hazel:
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I'll see you at work tomorrow. Happy Valentine's day!
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Criss:
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Hazel:
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I want your life. … I will have it.
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Liz:
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P.A.:
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Pete:
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Jenna:
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This is a nightmare. My nemeses, Abigail Breslin and the woman from those Progressive insurance commercials, are in the audience!
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Pete:
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Just--relax! Panic don't!
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Jenna:
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You failed me, Pete. And when I do down, I'm taking you with me. You'll never work again!
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Pete:
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But I have five kids, and grandkids can't be far behind. Little Evelyn's so sexual.
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P.A.:
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Lady:
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Woman:
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Good! Focus on the pain, not on the fact that, if you lose, I'm going to pour acid on your Barbies. OK, come on.
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Pete:
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Huh. Shoes. A fire. Sword. It's the pain! She needs the pain to distract her! I need to hurt her but she's all the way over there! How can I possib--? Come on, Hornberger! Archer: arch!
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Jenna:
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[singing] Just you and I, sharing our love together. And I know in time, we'll build the dreams we treasure.
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