The Ballad of Kenneth Parcell    [ Season 6 | Episode: 4 ]

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It's 'Martin Luther King Day'

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   Announcer:
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From the director of 'Valentine's Day' and 'New Year's Eve' …
   Andrew Sandberg:
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What? Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Day?
   Emma Stone:
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Yeah, and neither of us have dates.
   Andrew Sandberg:
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Too bad we're just platonic friends.
   Man:
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I have a right … to love you!
   Emma Stone:
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In the words of Martin Luther King, I've just got to go for it.
   Nick Cannon:
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You're a white supremacist?
   Kristin Bell:
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You guys can just do the fun stuff!
   Jenna:
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All I want is one extraordinary moment!
   Nick Cannon:
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It sounds like you … have a dream.
   Announcer:
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It's 'Martin Luther King Day'.

This Is An Order

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   Jenna:
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So. I need you to promote that on TGS.
   Liz:
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No, I'm not promoting that garbage on the show.
   Jenna:
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Liz, this isn't a request, this is an order. I've already spoken to Jack about it.
   Liz:
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Wow! Well, now I'm going to talk to Jack about it. The rest of you, keep workin--

Your Unique Leverage

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   Jack:
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Lemon, I'm sorry, but Jenna has become a huge star for this network. She's bigger than Maulik Pancholy on 'Whitney'.
   Liz:
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Look, I put up with a lot from Jenna. A couple of months ago, she cut off my ponytail because she was jealous of the attention that I was getting … on my own birthday. But this is new: going to you behind my back? You can't reward her for that.
   Jack:
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My hands are tied, but--and I will, ha, never say this again--you have a power that I don't.
   Liz:
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Besides the greatest power of all, the ability to gestate life?
   Jack:
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Of course, Lemon; that's why the president is always a new mom. I was referrring to your unique leverage with Jenna: your friendship.
   Liz:
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No, I like to keep boss-Liz and friend-Liz separate, because boss-Liz is all 'paperwork! paperwork!' but friend-Liz is all 'my feet hurt, I'm staying in tonight!'
   Jack:
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Lemon, I've decided to eliminate the NBC page program.
   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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I was in Washington yesterday, reviewing satellite images of Avery in North Korea. For what it's worth, CIA analysts have confirmed that she is indeed "keeping it tight".
   Liz:
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I don't know how this is about my problem, but I trust you.
   Jack:
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I'm getting there. While I was in Washington, I learned the House shut down its page program. With texting and email, a multi-billlion dollar system of pleasure slaves is no longer needed.
   Liz:
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Hang on, we need the pages, especially Kenneth! He uh … Well he uh … he always scratches that part of my back that I can't reach. Unless ... Oh, that's the business! Now who's in charge, winter dryness?
   Jack:
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I'm hoping that a bold, cost-cutting move like this will impress Hank Hooper. But I've only worked for Hank for a year, he's still difficult to read, much like that memoir Regan wrote the week before he died. It's uh … scattered.
   Liz:
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Well now I think we're just talking about your thing--you tricked me!
   Jack:
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You know how to read Jenna. Use your power.
   Liz:
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[her hair falls out] Ugh, damn it. I need some tape!

Give to Charity?

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   Dotcom:
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Hey Tray, we just picked up your birthday party invitations from the printers!
   Tracy:
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Wait, what is this? [reads] "Give to charity. Please no presents."?
   Dotcom:
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Yeah, that's what you told me to put on the card.
   Tracy:
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No, Dotcom! I said, "Give to charity? Please, no! Presents!"
   Dotcom:
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Well I’m sorry but you don't really need presents, you already have everything. I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul Jabbar's bones and he's not even dead!
   Tracy:
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Wow, maybe I do have everything. But what does that say about me? I need time alone, guys, to think … about mortality.

Just the Two of Us

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   Liz:
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Hey buddy! I thought maybe we could have a little talk, girl to girl.
   Jenna:
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Oh sure, I love light chit-chat. Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered by Kabbalahist?
   Liz:
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Wow! … Look, we're inside, you can take off the sunglasses. What are those?
   Jenna:
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Leeches. They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.
   Liz:
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Oh my god! OK, remember the pact we made back in Chicago?
   Jenna:
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Liz, if I become famous, will you tell me if I start acting weird?
   Liz:
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Definitely. And will you do the same for me?
   Jenna:
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Pwahahaha! You? Famous? That's hilarious!
   Liz:
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Well I'm invoking the pact. You're putting leeches on your face!
   Jenna:
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Demi Moore does it, plus it makes PETA furious. And if PETA doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier or a teacher.
   Liz:
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Jenna, take off the leeches! I feel like I'm losing you. I mean, we used to get lunch every week. When was the last time we did that?
   Jenna:
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You know with my fecalist in jail, I can eat whatever I want today. Maybe we could go to Outbac--
   Liz:
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I'm going to call ahead and make sure we're in Darryl's section!
   Tracy:
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Who am I? What does it all mean? Will I ever truly be happy?
   Dotcom:
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Tray, I hate seeing you like this, sitting in here listening to your 'Depressed Thoughts' cd.
   Tracy:
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What is the meaning--? [turns off cd player] You remember Celia's Bakery in the Bronx? It was on the corner of Malcolm X Blvd and Guy Who Shot Malcolm X Blvd? When I was a kid, I wanted one of those pies so bad so I swore to myself that one day I would become so rich, I would buy every single pie in Celia's.
   Dotcom:
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I wanted for nothing as a child, but that brings its own challeneges.
   Tracy:
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Shut up Dotcom. And now look at that kid: he turned into an incredibly fit genius who has everything he ever wanted. So if there's no more want, what's the point in living?
   Dotcom:
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Wait, hold on, Tray. You've got a family.
   Tracy:
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Great! Another thing that I've already got. Thank you for making this situation worse!
   Liz:
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Hahahaha!
   Jenna:
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Hahahaha! Should we get another one?
   Liz:
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If you eat four, you get a t-shirt, so one more and that's two t-shirts.
   Jenna:
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Oh no, they're here.
   Liz:
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And you don't want the paparazzi taking pictures of you?
   Jenna:
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Not when I'm just trying to have lunch with my best friend like a normal person. It's like I'm in a cage and not the fun kind where you dance while UFC football recruits throw hot coins at you.
   Liz:
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I'm sorry, do you want to sneak out the back?
   Jenna:
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They'd be expecting that. Would you like a chance to be famous, Liz?
   Liz:
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Naturally. Always. I'm from Tampa, Florida.
   Man:
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Leech abuser!
   Jenna:
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Nice try PETA bitches but I saw you hiding in the crowd! You just threw paint on a nobody who can't even sing! Make sure you get the Outback sign in the shot or I don't get paid. Taxi!

Going to Automate Us

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   Jack:
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I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is I am shutting down the page program. The good news is … for a different group of people.
   Kenneth:
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As the most popular page, I feel I should say something.
   Jack:
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Kenneth, please. Everyone knows that Dalton is the most popular page.
   Everyone:
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Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!
   Kenneth:
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Fine. But you can't cancel the page program. Who will take messages, or seat audiences, or order lunch?
   Jack:
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Today, all of those tasks can be managed electronically.
   Kenneth:
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You're just going to automate us? Excuse me, sir, but this reminds me of the tale of John Henry. "Now gather round friends, I've got a story--"
   Jack:
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We all know about John Henry, Kenneth! It's just a story.
   Kenneth:
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Well then I know about another story that turned out to be true. It's about a virgin who gave birth to a man who had some funny ideas. That virgin was my sister and her son Lyle has a learning disability.
   Jack:
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Security will escort you out. And these uniforms are still the property of NBC and we'll need them back.

New Besties

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   Liz:
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You are insane! You knew that PETA guy was there!
   Jenna:
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Look, I'm sorry. I couldn't be photographed with paint on me. I'd look like you do right now.
   Liz:
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That is psychopath behavior! How did I ever even become friends with someone like you?
   Jenna:
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If I remember correctly, Elizabeth, we became friends because I felt bad for you, standing alone at that party like a loser.
   Liz:
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Yeah, because I really wanted to talk to the girl who was wrestling in a kiddy pool full of lube.
   Jenna:
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Well what were you even doing at that bachelor party?
   Liz:
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Derek thought I was a guy and I didn't want to ruin what was happening between us! Gah! I wish my first roommate hadn't died of old age and then you wouldn't have moved in and I wouldn't have wasted fifteen years of my life trying to make you feel better about yourself, because, guess what, the back of your neck does look weird!
   Jenna:
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Why would you say that? You know I can't see it! Oh forget it! I don't need you, Liz. I have real friends now--celebrity friends who understand what I'm going through! You see, Charlie from 'Charlie Bit My Finger' and Knob Kardashian just texted me. They're my new besties!
   Liz:
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Well, I don't need you either. I've got a new bestie too and her name is something cool, like Sam, and she does web design maybe, and I haven't met her yet! Look out New York! Liz Lemon is forty-one, covered in paint, and looking for a new best friend!

Not Kenneth

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   Jack:
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Kenneth, you're a hard worker and I will find you something else here at the company.
   Kenneth:
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Not interested, sir. I don't want to work for an organization that would throw away a tradition like the page program. Think of all the famous people who started as pages: Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy--
   Jack:
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Kenneth, I'm sorry, but progress means eliminating useless institutions.
   Kenneth:
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Well Mr. Donaghy, there's one thing you haven't thought of: who will give the NBC tours? No machine can replace--
   Jack:
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We're calling it 'Not Kenneth'.
   Kenneth:
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It's hard not to take that personally, sir.
   Jack:
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We've inputted the entire page handbook into Not Kenneth's database. It knows everything you know and more.
   Kenneth:
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Why, Jack? Why?
   Machine:
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Y Jack Y' is a 2002 episode of 'Will & Grace' in which Jack (Sean Hayes) chooses between two YMCAs, featuring guest star Daniel Day Lewis as 'Gay Bench Press' guy.
   Kenneth:
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--Daniel Day Lewis as 'Gay Bench Press guy'!

Work Late

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   Liz:
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Hey, Sue! What are you up to tonight?
   Sue:
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I'm not working late again. Why don't you write the show yourself? You take all the credit anyway! I hope you dream of your death!
   Liz:
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I was just wondering if you wanted to go to a movie.
   Sue:
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Oh, I can't. I have to work late.

Dumb Mistakes

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   Jack:
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Hey Hank. I didn't think I was going to see you until dinner tonight.
   Hank Hooper:
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Whatever. I don't even know if I'm coming.
   Jack:
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Hank, is something wrong?
   Hank Hooper:
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Jack, I bought this company a year ago today. Now maybe I'm old fashion but where I come from, anniversaries mean something.
   Jack:
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Hank, of course I remember our business-versary. I sent a gift!
   Hank Hooper:
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Oh really? What is it, invisible? Sorry. I drove all the way up here from Philadelphia listening to Garrison Keillor and just getting psyched for a fun day!
   Jack:
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I use our new messenger system and sent your gift to your office on the sixtieth floor. Uh [checks phone] … it didn't go to sixty, it went to six. What's on six … ? Oh no!
   Liz:
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Hey, how does an adult make new friends?
   Jack:
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I don't have time for this. Hank Hooper's business-versary gift went to TGS.
   Machine:
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TGS is a sketch show known for popular characters like--Error. Error. Error. Error.
   Jack:
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Stop! Nerds, stop! Stop what you are doing immediately. Toofer, put that glass down. That Scotch fountain obviously was not meant for you. Phillie Phanatic, get away from him.
   Phillie Phanatic:
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Please help me! I'm an undersea king. I must prevent my daughter's marriage to the Squid Lord!
   Jack:
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None of this was meant for you. That should have been obvious since a gift from me would suggest that you are producing good work. Let me be clear: you are not.
   Jenna:
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Lance Ito, you're out of order!
   Tracy:
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… Line?!
   Jack:
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This was meant to go to the sixtieth floor.
   Liz:
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It's not their fault, it says 'sixth floor' on the invoice.
   Jack:
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Must be a computer error.
   Liz:
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Well somebody made a mistake--a dumb mistake. And it wasn't the pages and it wasn't the computer …
   Frank:
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Ha! It was Jack! Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes. He's just like us!
   Lutz:
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He's no better than I am--he's just got a suit!
   Jack:
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No, no! I *am* better than you Lutz. Someone else is to blame and I will find him or, more likely, her.
   Toofer:
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You look scared--like Lutz on an escalator.
   Lutz:
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Twinsies!

Mr. Socko

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   Jenna:
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I called the paps earlier and they said "Lester". No one ever uses him.
   Charlie:
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Ugh! I'd like to bite *his* finger.
   Jenna:
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Charlie! [Mankind enters[ Sweetie! You look amazing! Knob Kardashian, Charlie Bit My Finger, this is Mankind.
   Mankind:
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And this is Mr. Socko!
   Knob Karadashian:
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Oh, I know Mr. Socko!

My New Best Friend

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   Kerrie:
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Honey, I don't think that was Madame Bovary, I think that was Madame Ovary.
   Liz:
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Oh no, you went there! Man, do my feet in heels sometimes, and other things that women talk about.
   Samontha:
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Can we help you?
   Liz:
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Sorry, I'm just trying to make a new best friend.
   Everyone:
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Aw sweetie! Oh honey! Sweetie!
   Liz:
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Yeah, it's really hard. I mean, how did you guys meet each other?
   Kerrie:
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We were at karaoke and we all picked the same song. And then when the song came up, we *all* went up on stage and everyone was like, 'What?' and then we were like:
   Everyone:
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What you want? Baby I got it!
   Liz:
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Shut up! That's horrible! But I get your point, I need to go somewhere where someone like me would be hanging out. But where does Liz Lemon go when she's out on the town? To the Barnes and Noble bathroom!
   Amy:
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Occupied! God!
   Liz:
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I know it is! … By my new best friend.

Damn You

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   Hank Hooper:
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Hahaha! Hey there Jack! That Jenna Maroney sure is a hoot! I didn't care for Mr. Socko. In my day, socks just kept their mouths shut.
   Jack:
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Well Hank, you'll be interested to know I'm getting to the bottom of our little gift mix-up earlier.
   Frank:
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Really Jack? There's a problem with the computer system where it confuses six and sixty?
   Jack:
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I don't like your tone, Rossitano.
   Lutz:
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Oh, it's OK. You messed up, buddy.
   Jack:
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Lutz, don't touch me.
   Hank Hooper:
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Hang on Jack, are these two very ill children saying you messed up the delivery? That's unacceptable.
   Frank:
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Hey, we all make mistakes, like farting when you're talking to three people.
   Hank Hooper:
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No, a mistake is something a man does, like going to war without a reason or executing a simpleton. What Jack did is a whoopsie-daisy, like a baby or woman would do.
   Jack:
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No, no, Hank, i-it wasn't me, it was the machines. Tell them it wasn't my fault.
   Machine:
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"My Fault": a short-lived NBC game show in which homeless people won money by confessing to crimes they didn't commit.
   Jack:
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Damn you.
   Machine:
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"Dam U": A Beaver goes to college in this 1987 animated--

Me

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   Jenna:
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OK, who wants to see the red-band trailer for 'Martin Luther King Day'?
   Knob Karadashian:
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No, we need to decide what cell phone pictures I'm going leak.
   Charlie:
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Everyone: listen to Charlie Bit My Finger's new song: I'm rotten to the core mother--
   Mankind:
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Quiet! Mankind is trying to tweet about these clowns in Congress.
   Jenna:
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Excuse me guys, we're not going your things, we're doing my me things.
   Knob Karadashian:
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You mean, "me" right?
   Jenna:
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Exactly; me!
   Charlie:
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Me?
   Mankind:
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You're all using that word wrong. I'm "me".
   Everyone:
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[overlapping] I'm me! No, me! You're wrong! Me! It's me! Me! Me!

Hanging Out With Me

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   Amy:
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Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.
   Liz:
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Let me imagine what Peeta Mellark looks like and how his arms smell of bread. Amy, this is great! We're going to be best friends! Where should we get dinner? I don't trust sushi, Mexican gives me gas, and I already had a blooming onion today.
   Amy:
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Me too. Also, Ethiopian is out because I don't want to see a man with a beard eat with his hands. And nothing "family style".
   Liz:
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Ugh! Why is family style a selling point? Look at the state of the American family.
   Amy:
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Not something we'll ever have to worry about at our age!
   Liz:
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I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain but I didn't read the article.
   Amy:
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Well you didn't have time, our lives are half over!
   Liz:
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Our mothers lied to us! [cyclist rides past them] A bike is a vehicle!
   Amy:
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Hey, you can't ride a bike down the sidewalk!
   Liz:
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Oh my god, I am starving! We have been wandering around for … ten minutes? Oh brother. Hanging out with *me* is awful! Amy, we can't both be the negative, judgemental one.
   Amy:
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So what, I'm just supposed to sit around and listen to *you* complain?
   Liz:
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No! You're supposed to be so vacant and self-absorbed that you just let me vent without piling on. I need Jenna!
   Amy:
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I need Stephie!

Showing Is Better Than Telling

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   Tracy:
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They say people who kill themselves never regret it.
   Dotcom:
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Tracy! Tracy, stop! I found something for you to live for!
   Tracy:
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I already have a room full of old black women!
   Dotcom:
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No, Tray, this is Celia Monroe from Celia's Bakery. She lives in a nursing home on Long Island now.
   Woman:
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We're all sleeping with Carl because he has the most puzzles.
   Dotcom:
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But we tracked her down and she baked you a banana cream pie, see? That's something you didn't have!
   Tracy:
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So that means there must be other things I don't have, other reasons to live! You guys must have went through a lot of trouble to show me that. You must have been upset, and I know how that feels because *I've* been upset. I was very upset when you put "no presents" on my birthday invitations!
   Dotcom:
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*That's* what this was about? Why didn't you just tell us back in your dressing room?
   Tracy:
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Because showing is better than telling! And my schedule was light this week! [takes pie from Celia] Thank you.

Dump All Over Me

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   Jenna:
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I never should have treated you the way I did, Liz. I need someone who has so little going on in her life, she lets *me* get all the attention.
   Liz:
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And I need someone in my life who doesn't listen to a word I say!
   Jenna:
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Thank you, I just got it cut!
   Jack:
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I was wrong! I do need you.
   Kenneth:
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You had me at "I was wrong! I do need".
   Jack:
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I can replace just about everything you do but no machine could ever be the human wastebasket that I dump my stupid mistakes into.
   Kenneth:
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Dump, sir! Dump all over me!
   Jack:
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You thumb with a wig! Those gifts were supposed to go to the sixtieth floor!
   Kenneth:
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I'm sorry, sir. It was all my fault.
   Hank Hooper:
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Good job, Jack! Blame it on an Albino. Classic because it works!
   Tracy:
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I could never replace you guys. I love you presents! I have that. And that. I've already got this! Oh my goodness. This too. I already have this. I definitely don't need that!