The Tuxedo Begins    [ Season 6 | Episode: 8 ]

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Overrated

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   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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Lemon, I'm going to be late for our meeting. I had to get out of my car and walk. Fifth Avenue was closed for a joint-pain walk-a-thon. It's only four blocks but they are so slow!
   Liz:
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I’m running late too. My subway ride was the standard amazingness. / No, that's not how it works. Let people off first, otherwise--
   P.A.:
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Train's going expresss for no reason. Next stops: Main Street, Central Park, Veterns Memorial Highway.
   Liz:
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Am I the last one in this city still following the rules of being a person? You know what, New York is overrated!
   Lady:
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Three bucks, two bags, one me. Say, where does a young prostitute get started in this town?
   Jack:
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"Overrated"? Lemon, we live in the world captial of culture, finance, and King Kong attacks. New York is a testament to man's greatness.
   Liz:
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No, New York is a testament to man's selfishness. I quote, "She is a thug in a cocktail dress" - Alex McCord, 'Real Housewives of New York'.
   Man:
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Give me your wallet.
   Liz:
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Now techically that was about LuAnn being a bitch at Sonya's art show but--hey, you never let me talk about H-wives this long.
   Jack:
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Let's just get this over with.
   Liz:
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Oh well, I don't know if Sonya's ever going to finish that toaster oven cookbook, but if she does, I am going to buy it!

People Like Me

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   Liz:
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I can actually feel myself getting sick. Am I the only person who saw Obama's press conference on how to sneeze?
   Kenneth:
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Ms. Lemon, the NBC gym sent this up for you.
   Pete:
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Oh, what is that smell?
   Liz:
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It's my gym bag, Pete. Women do sweat.
   Kenneth:
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The gym said the odor was attracting bugs, that were attracting bats, that were attracting bat-hawks. Also, that the gym is closed.
   Liz:
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Well, don't worry, I will wash my workout clothes because I actually care how my behavior affects other people. Unlike the d-bag who let the elevator doors close on me this morning.
   Pete:
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It was funny because you were so mad!
   Kenneth:
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Boy, when I move onto my new job, I'm sure going to miss you two and your whole 'Sam and Diana' thing. Ah, Sam and Diana are the lesbian couple in my building who murdered each other.
   Jenna:
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Is this my costume for the commercial parody? It's in my contract that I only play blondes, non-Irish redheads, or bald sex robots.
   Pete:
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Look, it's just for the old lady 'before' picture. People won't even know it's you.
   Jenna:
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Well, then have Liz do it, she already has the frown lines. There! There they are! How funny, I was just talking about them and there they are.
   Liz:
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As always, I will step up and help, because without people like me, civil society collapses completely.
   Jenna:
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Oh don't be so dramatic, that's my thing. And if you take it away from me, I will kill myself and then you!

Change New York

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   Jack:
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Oh, I'm sorry we're starting so late. I know we're all very excited to adjust the TGS schedule to accommodate Tracy's next movie.
   Tracy:
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I won an Oscar so now I get to do real art! Begin 'Snow Dogs' phase!
   Jack:
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There was a lot of traffic and I was attacked in a construction tunnel. Anyway, this spreadsheet is the current schedule--
   Liz:
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Wait, you got mugged? Oh, I shouldn't hug you, I'm sick. This lamp is you. Ow, hot!
   Tracy:
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That sucks JD. I got mugged all the time growing up in the Bronx.
   Liz:
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OK, I got in trouble the last time I said this, but maybe you were asking for it, dressed like that.
   Jack:
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I wasn't wearing a tuxedo at the time, Lemon. The mugger took my cufflinks; all I have here are tuxedo cufflinks and I'm not about to wear them with a suit … I'd look like an idiot.
   Tracy:
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Give me the bad news. How black was this dude, on a scale from Lisa Bonet to Dotcom?
   Jack:
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This is the thing's that bothering me. My assailant was a middle-aged white man, wearing a button-down shirt and Dockers. Dockers! Not some drug addict or gang afficiando. His knife was from Eddie Bauer!
   Tracy:
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Oh my god! That means … Please interrupt me.
   Jack:
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This is a sign. The lower classes are getting cranky about how the rich are earning all of their money away from them. Can't they see this is in their best interest? How could we pay their salaries without using their money? We're on the verge of a class war.
   Liz:
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There is no class war! You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone: New York is a selfish filth monster and, eventually, it gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters 2 all over again.
   Jack:
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No, my getting mugged was New York doing what she does best: calling a great man to action. It's the original Ghostbusters all over again! My attack was a wake up call. The rich need to defend themselves.
   Liz:
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I don't know, Jack. You can try to change New York, but it's like Jay-z says, "Concrete bunghole where dreams are made up. There's nothing you can do."

In Forty Years

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   Liz:
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That commercial parody is going to be hilarious!
   Cerie:
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What's the commercial?
   Jenna:
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Oh my god, you sound terrible.
   Liz:
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Is that brain? Hopefully it's not an important parg of my blern.
   Jenna:
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Please don't get me sick. Paul's finally coming home tonight and his sex-pectations will be high.
   Liz:
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Maybe I should wear this home, show Criss what he'll be looking at in forty years: looser skin, same underwear. Hey Pete, can I have a car home tonight? I'm old and very sick, and there's a 'Monk' rerun on. I'm sorry, I'm losing my voice. There's a 'Monk' rerun on.
   Pete:
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Nope, no dice. I can't order you a car unless it's after nine or you have a note from your killer.

We Have No Choice

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   Len:
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So you got mugged, huh, Mr. Donaghy? And you caught the guy who did it. Good for you.
   Jack:
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Oh, no, Len, Tracy is helping me with this.
   Tracy:
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But I can see how you went there. I have a criminal skull shape.
   Jack:
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Len, Comissioner Kelly and I are friends; we have competing columns in 'Irish Arguments Weekly' , America's only all caps magazine, but Ray hasn't returned my phone call and I know that you were once a, uh, police officer.
   Len:
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I was part of a special task force of very young looking cops who infiltrated high schools. / How do you do, fellow kids?
   Lady:
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What?
   Len:
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So I'm glad you called me Mr. Donaghy. I checked with my contacts on the force and got you this free pamphlet.
   Jack:
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Len, I don't want a pamphlet. I want a show of force, a demonstration of who's in control of this city. I want a cop on very corner!
   Len:
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Look, that's not going to happen, it's just one mugging.
   Jack:
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Wait a second. Where did you get that suit?
   Len:
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I'm not embarrassed. I get all my outfits at Ann Taylor Loft. Their suits fit my body and my budget.
   Jack:
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Exactly! "Budget". You have no interest in helping me, you're one of them! What do you make? Five figures?
   Len:
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Forty grand a year. But don't let the woman who's blackmailing me know that.
   Jack:
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And the police have no interest in helping me either, despite the hundreds of dollars I pay every year in taxes. They think that I'm the enemy!
   Tracy:
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Then we have no choice but to take matters into our own hands!
   Jack:
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I agree!
   Tracy:
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You do! Oh no!

My Popsicles

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   Liz:
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No, if I sneeze, I'll do it like the President taught me. I'm pregnant with a kitty cat. Those are my popsicles!

This Night

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   Paul:
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Well hello sexy.
   Jenna:
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Hello Paul. I’m wearing an edible nightgown--it's breadstick flavored and comes with a dipping sauce. [Paul yawns] Oh you poor thing, you must be so tired!
   Paul:
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Oh no, no, no, not at all. I have been thinking about this night for a long time. [Yawns again] Uh-oh, the yawns are contagious … like all the Thai STDs my penis is about to give you.
   Jenna:
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Hmmm….
   Paul:
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OK, well give me five minutes and then I'll unpack …. the sex monkey I bought in Jakarta.

Normalling

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   Paul:
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What … what happened last night?
   Jenna:
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We talked for a while and then we fell asleep … without doing anything.
   Paul:
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Wha--how is that possible? We're Jenna and Paul. Did we mix up our days and accidentally both roofie each other?
   Jenna:
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Or did we just fall asleep?
   Paul:
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What , like some boring, normal sitcom couple? Like Mr. Brady and Tiger the dog?
   Jenna:
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Let's just think. We hate normal. Normal is death. But we didn't hate last night, so it must not have been normal. Paul, I think we just found a new level or sexuality: it's a whole new fetish called "normalling".
   Paul:
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"Normalling". So last night I napped on you, and you liked it, you sick bitch!
   Jenna:
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Oh yeah! And I put that afghan all over you because I thought your feet might get chilly.
   Paul:
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So chilly.
   Jenna:
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Ooh! I just had the sickest idea. We go out as a couple to Bed, Bath, and Beyond and shop for home necessities in front of everybody.
   Paul:
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Normalling in public? You delicious whore.

Rise Above It

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   Jack:
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Really, Trump? My idea is stupid? Well, you make your hair every morning by sticking your head in your cotton candy machine!
   Liz:
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What are you guys doing?
   Jack:
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The police can't be counted on to protect the rich unless they're rich too, so we're gathering support for a private police department but the starting salary is … $5 million a year.
   Liz:
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How's that going?
   Jack:
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Slowly. Even Tommy Hilfiger turned me down and you'd think that he of all people would understand how the quickly the lower classes can ruin something.
   Tracy:
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Mexico bursars called our idea "poorly thought out", then hung up by shooting his own phone!
   Jack:
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This is a travesty. The wealthy were once the heart of New York. I just don't understand this city anymore.
   Liz:
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It's funny because I may have just figured it out. / Me gusto la musica mariachi!
   Man:
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La señora es loca!
   Liz:
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I used to be like you, thinking I could make the city follow *my* rules. I've told off line cutters and movie theatre talkers. And for what? Did anyone cheer me? Or name a sandwich after me that would maybe be turkey, pastrami, swiss, russian dressing, coleslaw, and potato chips? You can't count on anyone else in this city, Jack. All you can do is sink down into the filth.
   Jack:
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Or rise above it. If no one will help me, I'll do it myself. *I'll* remind New York of what she once was.
   Tracy:
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Yes! A Native American paradise!
   Jack:
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The greatest city on Earth. A city that needs a leader who still believes in order and justice, who will shine a light into all the tunnels and police the police, who'll make this city into a beacon, lighting the way for an entire nation.
   Liz:
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Anyhoo, Tracy in the dog boner sketch--
   Jack:
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I hereby officially announce my candidacy for the office of mayor for the city of New York. Vote for Jack Donaghy: Slogan to Come.

So Sick

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   Paul:
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You know if we got cloth placemats, we could just throw them in the laundry.
   Jenna:
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Well these vinyl ones say 'Dishwasher Safe'. That's easy.
   Paul:
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Yeah, easy for the person who never does the dishes. What we're doing is so sick, right? How many times have you climaxed?
   Jenna:
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Zero.
   Paul:
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Me too. Bathroom organizers!
   Jenna:
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Ooh!

Let's Go Outside

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   Tracy:
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Good news for your campaign JD. I've got a huge list of voter names. Do you know anyone who wants to be called Darryl Weenis?
   Jack:
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I just registered the domain name for my campaign website: JackDonaghyisRunningforMayor2013NewYorkThisistheWebsite.com. That's the closest I could get. Everything else was already pornography.
   Kenneth:
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I got everything on your list, Mr. Donaghy. Fresh undershirts from Vatené, eighteen-year-old Scotch for your bar, and, just for fun, I also got you these goofy water balloons my mom's friend Ron always used to send me out to buy.
   Jack:
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Ah, thank you Kenneth.
   Kenneth:
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I know they're condoms.
   Jack:
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All right Tracy, let's buckle down. Now that I've restocked, we never have to leave this office.
   Tracy:
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Hang on, have you not left this building since you were mugged?
   Jack:
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What? No! I've been very busy!
   Tracy:
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What about your daughter?
   Jack:
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Liddy's at a baby leadership conference this week. The timing is perfect.
   Tracy:
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I know what you're doing. The first time I got mugged, I didn't leave my room for a week--I hid, but not in a tuxedo. All I had was a used Chewbacca costume made out of used hair extensions. It made me feel invincible, like someone who wouldn't get scared and freeze up when they got mugged. / Perfectly executed Chewbacca sounds. / That's why you won't take off that tuxedo, that's why you're running for mayor, and that's why you won't go outside--you're scared!
   Jack:
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The only thing I'm scared of is what's happening to this city.
   Tracy:
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Then I'm going to say to you what I say to all my sharks right before they die: let's go outside.

Scattergories

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   Liz:
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Oh, Jenna, I have a friend--
   Jenna:
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Yeah well I have a million friends! I get so many birthday cards, it's embarrassing.
   Liz:
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No, I have a friend who wants to freak out some New Yorkers and I know you and Paul disgust everyone.
   Jenna:
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Oh, he and I are on a whole new level. This morning Paul and I signed up for zipcar. Now it's easier to get to Costco to stock up on cereal!
   Liz:
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Lee? I need the old lady wig again. Oh and get me that coat that Tracy's dog gave birth on!
   Pete:
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A Costco run, huh? You sound like me and Paula.
   Jenna:
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No, Pete, you don't understand. This is "normalling"; it's a weird sex thing. Paul and I do things like reboot the internet and discuss whether the chair would be better--
   Pete:
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-- Over by the window where there's more light? Yeah, that-that's not a sex thing, that's just couple stuff. Hey, you and Paul should come by the house some time. We'll have dinner, play Scattergories.
   Jenna:
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No! That's not what this is. You get away from me!
   Pete:
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Scattergories!

One Rule Now

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   Liz:
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Where? Where?!
   Kenneth:
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Ms. Lemon, are you OK? Oh! You smell like when the Stone Mountain tire fire joined up with the corpse fire and then swept through the downtown manure district. It was our fault for letting those highschoolers dance at their prom.
   Liz:
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Oh I'm better than OK Kenneth. I'm going to the movies!
   Kenneth:
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But you're sick.
   Liz:
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I am sick. Sick like a fox. I'm going to clear out that whole theatre and watch a sneak peak of 'The Hunger Games' by myself. It'll be my greatest triumph! There's a Q&A afterwards with … ah, the screenwriter? Ugh.
   Kenneth:
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Ms. Lemon, this isn't you. You love rules! Try to remember. Remember who you once were!
   Liz:
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What did the rules ever get me? The worst seat at the movies? A bunch of music that I paid for? A drawer full of leaky batteries that I don't know what to do with? Rules? There's only one rule now, Kenneth: plastic cups go in the top rack of the dishwasher so they don't melt. Otherwise: no rules!

A War Going On

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   Liz:
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Well, well, well. If it isn't the Tuxedo himself. Shouldn't you be outside, fixing the city?
   Jack:
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You look even closer to death than usual. What happened to you?
   Liz:
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Are you scared? The back of the B-train certainly was. I had the whole car to myself.
   Jack:
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So this is you figuring out New York? Making the city worse for your own selfish ends? Is that your gym bag? Aren't you a human woman?
   Liz:
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It's these new microfibers; they keep you dry but it all has to go somewhere!
   Jack:
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So, today a subway car, tomorrow what?
   Liz:
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All in good time, Jack.
   Jack:
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Will you take something for that cough already?
   Liz:
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I'd rather see if it gets better on its own. Do you want me to go on my antibiotic rant? It's endless. You'll beg for death!
   Jack:
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There's a war going on out there and you're going to have to pick a side. I've always wanted to say that and I can't believe I have wasted it on you. You've crossed a line, Lemon. Someone is going to stop you--New York is going to stop you.
   Liz:
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The old Liz would have agreed with you but that was two days ago. Now, I don't cross lines, I just make 'em disappear.

Sexual Walkabout

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   Paul:
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Hey hon. I got your g-chat: two exclamation points huh? What's up?
   Jenna:
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Paul, what if normalling isn't a fetish? What if we're just in another phase of our relationship and we're kind of … settling down?
   Paul:
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That's what one of my work colleagues said.
   Man:
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That's just couple stuff. You know what, you and Jenna should come visit me and my wife in Montclair.
   Paul:
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But if Darryl Weenis is right, if we're just a couple, why don't we hate it?
   Jenna:
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I don't know, I always imagined this kind of thing would make me want to tear my hair out and rip my skin off. But with you, it feels as natural as--
   Paul:
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Having someone tear your hair out and rip your skin off.
   Jenna:
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I never thought this would happen to me but I can actually imagine myself getting married, having kids.
   Paul:
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But is this really what we want?
   Jenna:
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I don't know. What are you thinking?
   Paul:
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What are *you* thinking?
   Jenna:
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OK, we' ll both say what we're thinking on the count of three. One, two: Sexual Walkabout. We spend the next three months alone doing every depraved thing we can think of with as many people as we can and if this, right now, is still the happiest we can make ourselves, we'll stay together forever.
   Paul:
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Sexual Walkabout. We spend the next three months alone doing every depraved thing we can think of with as many people as we can and if this, right now, is still the happiest we can make ourselves, we'll stay together forever.

My Plan

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   Liz:
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Next stop: dinner and a private show. Gym bag: check. Tupperware vat of steamed broccoli: check. Talking to myself to seem crazy: moogoo! Wallet: …. No! Not now! Not when I'm so close. Not enough time! My plan!

This Crazy, Beautiful City

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   Jack:
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Come on Donaghy. You've skied Mount St. Helens, made eye contact with Michele Bachmann, been trapped under a boulder for a hundred and twenty-eight hours. You're not scared of anything.
   Liz:
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Give me twenty dollars!
   Jack:
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Lemon!
   Liz:
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Oh, oh, oh! My tailbone! I just wanted to borrow movie money!
   Lady:
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You caught that lunatic that's been terrorizing the subway! The worst criminal in NYC!
   Jack:
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Oh my god, are you OK?
   Liz:
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That was awesome! You were so fast and strong!
   Jack:
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Thank you Lemon. You're the only woman I could ever fight to regain my manhood.
   Liz:
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They're cheering you for stopping me. Old Liz was right: people *do* want rules!
   Jack:
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There's good in all of us, Lemon, even you.
   Liz:
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So are you still running for mayor?
   Jack:
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The city no longer needs me. For now.
   Paul:
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Reminds me of us.
   Jenna:
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I'll never forget the first time you dressed up like an old lady and I threw you into some garbage.
   Paul:
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Good-bye my love. For now.
   Jenna:
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New York City: villains and heroes, the one percent and the ninety-nine, eight million people in this crazy, beautiful city and I, Jenna Maroney, am going to go to town on every last one of them.