Brooklyn Without Limits    [ Season 5 | Episode: 7 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Ass-tastic

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   Jenna:
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How's it going in there?
   Liz:
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Great. Trying on jeans is my favourite thing. Maybe later I can get a pap smear from an old male doctor.
   Jenna:
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Oh come on, Liz. This store is cool. It's huge with all the young people. I mean, all the US.
   Liz:
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This place is trying way too hard. Why are there straight jackets everywhere?
   Jenna:
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Because before this was a clothing store it was a mental hospital. It's winky and fun, Liz.
   Liz:
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Okay, I tried 'em on. Can we go now?
   Jenna:
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Miss Lemon, you look HOT.
   Liz:
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Really?
   Jenna:
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I swear to Kabbalah Monster, those jeans are perfect. Look at your butt!
   Liz:
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Oh my God, is that me?
   Jenna:
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Liz, it's the dream! Boy on the bottom, girl on the top!
   Salesman:
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OM God, those jeans are zing.
   Jenna:
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This online slang dictionary says it's short for "amazing." Or it's a club drug made from a tooth whitener. Either way you win.
   Liz:
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I'll wear these jeans out and I'll take ten more pairs.
   Salesman:
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Tastic. Shall I put the pants you had on in with the jeans?
   Liz:
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No. Burn them. [whispering] Burn them.

The Regina Issue

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   Jonathan:
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I'm sorry I was late this morning, sir. I was attacked in my apartment --
   Jack:
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Quiet. [listening to TV] Why are they talking about that woman?
   David Gregory:
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[on TV] ...congressional candidate Regina Bookman went on the offensive today, making political hay out of the wheat field that is the NBC-Kabletown merger... Who wrote this? Jared, honestly? Bookman told reporter "the merger of NBC and Kabletown is bad for the consumer, I don't trust their executive leadership and Kabletown still has an auxiliary button on their remote. What is that for? It just makes the screen go blue."
   Jack:
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Why is she still talking about the merger? She said I had three months to make NBC more diverse!
   Jonathan:
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It's not your fault nobody watched America's Next Top Black Guy.
   David Gregory:
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[on TV] ...amping up the rhetoric in a tight race. Polls have her in a dead heat with out-of-nowhere challenger Steven Austin.
   Jack:
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Wait a second. There's a chance she could lose? Bookman is obviously holding a gun to my head, and no matter what I do she obviously wants me to fail.
   Jonathan:
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But if she loses --
   Jack:
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This isn't a conversation! But if she loses I won't have to worry about her scuttling the merger, Jonathan. Get her opponent in here. Whoever he is he just made a very powerful friend.
   Jonathan:
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I thought you said you didn't need any more friends.
   Jack:
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[stares down Jonathan until he leaves]

Liz Shows Off

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   Cerie:
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Zing leg tubes, Liz.
   Sue:
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Wunder hintern!
   Liz:
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They're from Brooklyn Without Limits. It's this very cool store with locations in Gay Town, White Harlem, and the Van Beardswick section of Brooklyn. And they don't just look great. See the tag? "Handmade in USA." Because BWL is all about fair trade and local artisans and staying green. These jeans totally make up for all the times I took a long hot shower because I was bored.
   Jenna:
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I'm so excited for you, Liz. Now we both have amazing butts.
   Tracy:
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Make that all three of us. Jenna, a word? Specifically the word "talking?"
   Liz:
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Oh, look at this. [gestures to her jeans]

Jenna "Helps" Tracy

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   Tracy:
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J-train, as you may know, I was in a film called Hard to Watch, and the "pundits" think that I have a "chance" at an "Oscar" and I just learned about "air quotes."
   Jenna:
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Yes. I talked about your movie with my therapy last week for twenty hours.
   Tracy:
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I know this is difficult for you.
   Jenna:
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I'm fine. Talking with Dr. Linda helped me realize I have just as much going on in my life. My exercise video is dropping soon.
   Jenna:
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[on video] [on her back, moans while thrusting her pelvis toward a man standing over her]
   Tracy:
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Well if you're okay talking about it, I need your help. These reporters want to come do a story about me. They're from something called the... Hollywood Foreign Press Association?
   Jenna:
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[gasps] HoFPA? That's the Golden Globes! The second most important awards in Hollywood. After the People's Choice Awards [looks at camera] where the fans are in charge.
   Tracy:
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So what do you think I should do?
   Jenna:
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You could have a special screening for them. Host a luncheon. And when the time is right... [rubs her fingers together]
   Tracy:
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Be bad at snapping. Got it.
   Jenna:
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No, Tracy. You could try to bribe them. I mean, a Golden Globe is a stepping stone to an Oscar. How bad do you want it?
   Tracy:
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I'm not an expert at morality, but isn't that wrong?
   Jenna:
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You're asking me? [they both laugh]

Steve Austin

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   Jack:
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So this is the man who's going to bring down Regina Bookman. Rhode Island's own Steven Austin.
   Steve Austin:
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Actually I go by STEVE Austin. That way people see my name on ballots, they think I'm the wrestler and they vote for me.
   Jack:
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I've been reading up on you, Steve. Honestly, I want to like you. But I see that you're NOT affiliated with the Republican Party.
   Steve Austin:
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The party system is broken, Jack. I don't believe in parties. I don't join them, and I never get invited to them. Hint, hint.
   Jack:
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You're an individual. A maverick. People like you are succeeding because Americans are fed up with the status quo.
   Steve Austin:
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Exactly. They're tired of the direction this country's headed in, they want a return to our past glory, they want an American renaissance.
   Jack:
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I like what I'm heading, Steve.
   Steve Austin:
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Then you're going to love the sound of this. [hold up and shakes baby rattle] Goo goo, ga ga, Jack.
   Jack:
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What's that?
   Steve Austin:
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That's the theme of my campaign. Renaissance means rebirth. I want to usher in the rebirth of this country. That's why the theme of all my campaign commercials is "I'm a baby."
   Steve Austin:
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[in commercial wearing just a diaper and bonnet, shaking rattle] This country has lost it's way. We need to start over and return to what made our nation great. My name is Steve Austin and I am a lifelong resident of Rhode Island and the manager of a local paintball facility. I will clean up Washington like it's the bathroom of a paintball facility. Vote Steve Austin. And if you're blind, I AM the wrestler.
   Jack:
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Right. I like a lot of what you're saying, Steve. But, uh, before I throw my support behind you, I do have a litmus test.
   Steve Austin:
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Okay. Can I take that in two weeks?
   Jack:
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Ah, no, it's just questions. What do you think the role of government should be.
   Steve Austin:
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Limited. I believe in small government.
   Jack:
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Excellent answer.
   Steve Austin:
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Or not government at all. If it works in Antartica, why can't it work here? But if we have to have government, make it as small as possible. Dwarves. Tiny buildings. Pizza bagels for lunch.
   Jack:
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Maybe we should stop at "small government." Let's cut to the chase. I need you to assure me you would never allow the government to interfere with the sale of one company to another.
   Steve Austin:
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Course not. The government shouldn't interfere in anything. What happens inside a man's own rain poncho in a minor league baseball game is his own business.
   Jack:
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Well, Steve, we should stop talking... before I change my mind, but I do want to host a fundraiser for you, so give me a couple of days to put that together.
   Steve Austin:
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I need to know that you believe in my message, Jack. Take the rattle.
   Jack:
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[takes rattle]
   Steve Austin:
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Say "goo goo, ga ga," Jack.
   Jack:
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Goo goo, ga ga.

Rational Insanity

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   Liz:
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What's going on here?
   Jenna:
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I'm helping Tracy plan for a Golden Globes event tomorrow. Kenneth is our human sushi platter, and I'm doing a dry run so everything will be perfect. For my friend, Tracy.
   Kenneth:
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Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding under our porch during a Hill People rampage.
   Tracy:
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On the day, Kenneth's mouth will be full of wasabi so he don't do so much... [mimes talking with his hand]
   Jenna:
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I should get a chafing dish and fill it with my underwear in case some Saudi guys show up. [leaves room]
   Tracy:
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[fills pinata with salsa]
   Liz:
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[follows Jenna] Let me get this straight. You, the person who is still jealous of the attention baby Jessica got, are helping Tracy win an award for acting.
   Jenna:
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Oh I'm helping him all right. I even gave him the idea to try to bribe them.
   Liz:
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And he's going to do that? That's awful. I trust award shows. They tell me how much to care about different dead people.
   Jenna:
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It's not going to work. If they could be bribed, I would have won a Golden Globe for my Lifetime Original Movie "Sister Can You Spare A Breast?"
   Liz:
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So you tried this before?
   Jenna:
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Och, and they were so offended. They banned me for life. And the same thing will happen to Tracy.
   Liz:
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So you're sabotaging him.
   Jenna:
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Just like I did to my niece when she tried to sing at our family's Christmas party.
   Liz:
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You know what? You and Tracy deserve each other. I don't know which of you to be more disappointed in.
   Jenna:
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Me, silly! I'm more aware of what I'm doing.

Liz Judges

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   Jack:
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I'm sorry, miss. Do you know where Liz Lemon --
   Liz:
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[turns around]
   Jack:
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Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
   Liz:
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Thank you, Jack. [to Steve] Hi. Do I know you from... outside the bagel store?
   Steve Austin:
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You probably know me from the future, where I am the President of the United States? Steve Austin? Rhode Island's independent candidate for Congress?
   Liz:
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Oh yeah, somebody forwarded me one of your campaign ads.
   Steve Austin:
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[nude, in TV ad] The rebirth of America starts now! Waaaahh! [cocks rifle] My name is Steve Austin, and if you're senile, yes I am the Six Million Dollar Man.
   Voice Over:
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Paid for by the broken vending machine at the paintball place.
   Jack:
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I'm actually working with Steve's campaign and I would like you to produce a biographical video for a fundraiser I'm holding.
   Steve Austin:
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Oh my God. I got a Zappo's box coming today and there's nobody there to pick it up because my wife left me for my twin brother. Can I use your phone?
   Liz:
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Yeah okay. You don't have a cell phone?
   Steve Austin:
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[scoffs] Yeah, I got a cell phone. I walk around all day with a CIA tracking device in my pocket. [laughs] [picks up phone]
   Liz:
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[leaves office] Okay, that guy is bananas. Obviously he should not be in Congress. What are you doing?
   Jack:
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He's running against Regina Bookman. I need him.
   Liz:
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Uh huh. So you're putting one more nut job -- yeah, I said it -- one MORE -- I'm political -- in Washington so you can advance your career? What is going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?
   Jack:
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You're being awful high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband DROWNED so she could get out of a gym contract. The whole Kabletown deal is resting on this and Austin is pro-business.
   Liz:
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Big Business is what's screwing up this country.
   Jack:
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Please, Lemon. You work for General Electric!
   Liz:
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Technically I am a freelancer, which is pretty much a modern day cowboy. And I live like a cowboy by buying quality, locally-made jeans. Also by eating beans out of a can. Due to impatience. You're on your own here, partner. But hey, it's not all bad. Because you get to watch me walk away. [walks away]
   Jack:
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[watches Liz's ass as she walks away]
   Steve Austin:
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[on phone inside Liz's office] No. No, that's not right. Why can't the delivery guy just leave it out back? Yeah I know it's not a house, but I sleep there!

Movie Intro

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   Tracy:
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I'd like to thank you all for coming. We've had complaints about the sushi platter moving. We're working on it.
   Kenneth:
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[tries to say something through a mouth filled with wasabi]
   Jenna:
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Tracy would be happy to take any softball questions you have... [audience all raises their hands] ...like the following: What films inspire you?
   Tracy:
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Well definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then BAM! Boobies.
   Jenna:
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Tracy, what is an actor?
   Tracy:
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I think the better question is "What ISN'T an actor?" A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor --
   Jenna:
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[claps, eventually joined by the audience] And now, amidst a day of wonders, one wonder more. A special voter's-only screening of Hard to Watch, based on the book "Stone Cold Bummer" by Manipulate. [starts movie]
   Tracy:
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[as voiceover in movie] They called New York the Big Apple. Never seemed that way to me. I used to have dreams. I was an All City running back, and I was going to run out of here to college, to suburbs. Now the only thing I use a football for is as a toilet. Funny thing to happen to a guy named Lucky.
   Jenna:
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[gives Tracy the thumbs up]

Shaken Faith

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   Steve Austin:
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I'm a constitutional originalist. And I believe that our founding fathers had it right. We need to get back to THEIR America. No paved roads. Rum used as an anesthetic. Legalize slavery.
   Jack:
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All right! Some good pieces.
   Steve Austin:
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Jack, you want to see my hand gestures? I have: [points at camera] you listen to me. [fist into palm] Forceful conclusion. [rolls up sleeves] There's work to be done. Hand me that shovel so I can dig a grave for her.
   Jack:
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Okay let's cut!
   Jonathan:
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Sir, look at this Bookman photo op.
   Jack:
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[reads] Representative Bookman greets young voters at Warwick Mall. She's courting the youth vote. That means she's desperate.
   Jonathan:
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My generation never votes. It interferes with talking about ourselves all the time.
   Jack:
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She's running scared. God, this could work. Now all I have to do is whip Austin into shape.
   Steve Austin:
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Hey, Jack. [holds up a pacifier] Just to have options should we do a couple takes with Binky?
   Jack:
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Let's take five!
   Liz:
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Wow. You're really going ahead with this.
   Jack:
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Lemon, I'm not about to take criticism from someone wearing THAT t-shirt.
   Liz:
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Hey, don't talk down Brooklyn Without Limits. Stores like this are saving the world.
   Jack:
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Really? You're going to lecture me about Big Business again? Do you know who OWNS Brooklyn Without Limits?
   Liz:
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Brooklyn Zack. He throws pool parties in dumpsters.
   Jack:
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Halliburton. In the mid-nineties they found themselves with a surplus of canvas water boarding hoods, so they had sweatshops make them into messenger bags to sell to... outer Burrough idiots.
   Liz:
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You don't know what you're talking about. [points to her jeans' label] "Hand-made in USA."
   Jack:
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Your magic jeans are from BWL? Oh, Lemon. It's not "handmade in USA," it's pronounced "hahnd-made in Oosa." The Hand people are a Vietnamese slave tribe, and USA is their island prison. THEY made your jeans. Do you know how they get the stitching so small? [whispers] Orphans.
   Liz:
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No! Brooklyn Zack is real! He just got back from Peru where he met a family that's been making hats for two thousand years.
   Jack:
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We all make our compromises. At least I'm doing it for our company. For jobs. You're doing it... [yells] for your ass!
   Liz:
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I don't believe you! The liberal media would have told me about this!
   Jack:
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There's no such thing. The New York Times is owned by NYT Incorporated which is owned by Altheon Ballistic Dynamics which is owned by the Murdoch family who are owned... by Halliburton.
   Liz:
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[gasps]

The Truth

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   Liz:
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[reads from web page: Secret Halliburton Memos Detail Covert Clothing Stores]
   Liz:
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[reads from web page: Times Reporter Fired for Investigating Perfectly Innocent Store]
   Liz:
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[reads from bwltruth.com: Conservatives, Couture, and Corruption: The Perfect Fit?]
   Liz:
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[gasps] It goes all the way to the top.

The Apathy

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   Liz:
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How can you work here? Do you know who owns this place?
   Salesman:
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Halliburton, bitch. So what?
   Liz:
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But look at you! You're meticulously groomed and- and you turned a tie into a belt!
   Salesman:
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Oh so gay men can't be Conservative? You're so norent. That's short for ignorant. And who are you to judge? You're still wearing those jeans.
   Liz:
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[to a t-shirt] Och, Che Guevara, if only you knew what this place stood for.
   Salesman:
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His great grandfather was Domingo Halliburton.
   Liz:
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[gasps]

Jack Makes it Work

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   Steve Austin:
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Wow. I haven't seen so many suits since my trial.
   Jack:
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I have an idea. I know these people, so let me do the talking.
   Steve Austin:
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[fills pockets with hors d'oeuvres]
   Jack:
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Oh, uh- uh, Steve? Of course you know Ed Perlman.
   Steve Austin:
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Perlman? Isn't that last name Jew --
   Jack:
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HA HA HA HA HA! [quickly escorts Steve out]
   Jack:
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New strategy. I'll raise the money and you stay in here and, uh... cultivate an aura of mystery.
   Steve Austin:
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Oo. Good idea. Maybe I'll add to it by making some mysterious sounds. [makes ghost sounds]
   Jack:
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I love it.

Jenna's Compass Swings

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   Tracy:
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I'll go to jail in DeShawn's place, cuz he's my brother. Don't say nothin! Sometimes you gotta do the right thing even when the wrong thing is a whole lot easier. Now let's just have one last happy dinner together. As a family.
   Cop:
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[knock at door and come in] Your mother exploded.
   Tracy:
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[cries, and the audience starts crying and applauding]
   Tracy:
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I got them right where I want them. Time to do a little Golden Globe shopping. [goes over to bag filled with money]
   Jenna:
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No. Tracy, that movie gave me drunk-in-the-bathtub face. We need to talk.

Stay the Course

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   Jack:
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Thank you for coming.
   Liz:
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Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits. Crunch on the outside, right-wing nut job on the inside.
   Jack:
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Like Ann Coulter's underwear. But I see you're still wearing the jeans.
   Liz:
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I know. They look so good. And I'm Skyping later with Carol and we like to dance together and I want to do this "back it up" move that I haven't been able to pull off since high school. It's like... [snapping and dancing] Back it up... Back it up... And drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot. I will haunt your dreams. So fine! I'm selling out. But so are you.
   Jack:
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No. I BELIEVE in Steve Austin and his plan to put a casino on the moon.
   Liz:
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Then I believe in Halliburton.
   Jack:
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Good. So neither of us should feel guilty.
   Liz:
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We don't.

Liz's Compass Swings

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   Tracy:
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Sabotage? But I'm the one who does that to me.
   Jenna:
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I know, Tracy. It was wrong. But I couldn't go through with it because I saw your movie, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're great.
   Tracy:
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Wait, great like good, or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day? [wheezes]
   Jenna:
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The first one, Trey. You are going win. And when you do, I'll be furious. Like waking up next to Rob Schnider furious. But I don't care. It's like you said in the movie. Sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier.
   Liz:
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No. Don't say that. In real life, you have to make compromises.
   Tracy:
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No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made: "Compromises are for lesser souls. Die, werewolf-zombie."
   Liz:
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So you two have decided to do the right thing. Argh! Fine, I'll go home and change. Take a last look, guys. [wiggles her butt as she walks away]
   Jenna:
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I would hit that.
   Tracy:
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Too small.

Jack's Wavers

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   Steve Austin:
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[on commercial created of chopped up pieces of sentences] I believe we are all being held in slavery by Big Government.
   Liz:
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[arrives wearing overall shorts, taps Jack on the shoulder]
   Jack:
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[gasps] Lesbian Mario Brothers!
   Liz:
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I couldn't do it, Jack. I just couldn't support BWL, and I'd already thrown out all my other jeans --
   Jack:
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That is the most unflattering item of clothing I have EVER seen you wear, and I'm including 2008's turtleneck with smiley face vest.
   Liz:
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But I feel good, and not just because in my shorteralls I found a bag of Tastataions, a discontinued chocolate hard candy, but because sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier. Die, werewolf-zombie. [walks away]
   Jack:
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Good God, Lemon!
   Liz:
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I will never allow casinos on the moon! Thank you! [audience applauds]

I am Jack's Compass

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   Jack:
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Steve?
   Steve Austin:
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[from inside pillow fort] Friend of foe?
   Jack:
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You're the reason everyone came here tonight. They need to hear YOU speak. In person. From the heart.
   Steve Austin:
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[runs out]
   Jack:
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Damn your shorteralls!
   Steve Austin:
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Americans are a simple but powerful people, which is why I have written a new national anthem. Ooga booga big! Ooga booga strong! I'm going to sing my ooga booga song. Ooga booga big! Ooga booga strong! --
   Jack:
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[turns off TV]
   Liz:
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Wow. That's worse than the speech my grandpa made when my cousin married a Japanese girl.
   Jack:
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As if that weren't enough, Austin was mocked in Jay Leno's monologue tonight. The Kingmaker has spoken. It's over. Bookman will be re-elected.
   Liz:
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But you did the right thing, and at the end of the day isn't that more important than some merger?
   Jack:
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Letting morality get in the way of making money. I might as well go and... [whispers] be a teacher.
   Liz:
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I know what'll cheer you up. Would you like some cake?
   Jack:
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Yeah.
   Liz:
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Cake Boy!
   Kenneth:
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[crawls over with a table of cake set on his back] This has been the best day of my life! [Jack and Liz start eating cake]

Steve's Ads

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   Steve Austin:
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I believe ketchup bottles should be 500% larger. [screen shows words: I believe]
   Steve Austin:
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We are all responsible for heroes becoming terrible. [screen adds words: we are all]
   Steve Austin:
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But what kind of jail are these alien prisoners being held in? [screen adds words: being held in]
   Steve Austin:
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We should bring back slavery! [screen adds words: slavery]
   Steve Austin:
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...and they're backed by big corporations! [screen adds words: by big]
   Steve Austin:
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Animals can govern themselves. [screen adds words: govern]
   Steve Austin:
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Taken out of context it was EXACTLY what I meant. [screen adds words: ment.]
   Steve Austin:
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As God as my witness, we will build casinos on the moon! Thank you! [screen adds words: Thank you!] [Full message reads: I believe we are all being held in slavery by big government.]