Christmas Attack Zone    [ Season 5 | Episode: 10 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Christmas Plans

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   Liz:
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Merry Christmas Eve Eve, Jack.
   Jack:
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Likewise, Lemon. Is there any chance you'll still be around tomorrow?
   Liz:
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Sure. You wanna go to the Penn Station K-Mart with me and then watch Tootsie?
   Jack:
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I'm sorry, that's what you're doing instead of spending Christmas Eve with your family?
   Liz:
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It's my new thing. Travel ON Christmas Day. That way I avoid the annual Lemon Family Blow Up. And this year it's going to be a doozy. My Aunt Linda is brining her new boyfriend who is neither her age nor her race, and her ex-husband will also be there with his date "alcoholism." I swoop in the next day for presents and pie.
   Jack:
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Well if you're around, come by for dinner. Colleen will be up from Florida and, uh, she'd love to see you.
   Liz:
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Because my youthful energy makes her feel young?
   Jack:
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Uh, no. Because she views you as a peer she can complain with about how no one wears pantyhose any longer.
   Liz:
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Ugh! How are we supposed to conceal our spider veins? Bare-legged Christmas.

Serious Tracy

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   Liz:
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Okay guys, this Kabletown promo is the last thing we have to do before the holiday break.
   Tracy:
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Liz Lemon, I cannot participate in this promo.
   Liz:
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Why?
   Tracy:
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Because it's not honest! As an actor it is my job to tell the truth, hold the mirror to humanity, and sell Proactiv. I will not spout your lies, Liz Lemon, and I will not say Merry Christmas from Kabletown.
   Pete:
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Every since Tracy got nominated for a Golden Globe he thinks he's Sean Penn.
   Liz:
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Well, they have both had screaming fights with Wyclef Jean. We'll just do this without him. Merry Christmas, Jenna! You can say BOTH lines.
   Jenna:
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[crying] Merry Christmas from Kabletown and all of us at TGS. I think we got it.
   Liz:
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Are- are you okay?
   Jenna:
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[hands Liz invitation]
   Liz:
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[reads it] "Tom Ford and Elton John invited you to New Queer's Eve." What is this?
   Jenna:
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NQE is THE New Year's party. Everyone dresses up as a cultural figure from the past year. Also, replicas of The David urinate vodka.
   Liz:
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Oh God.
   Jenna:
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Paul and I were going to come up with an amazing couple's costume, but not that he's gone, what's the point? [sobbing] This party means so much to me I don't know what I'm going to do without it?
   Liz:
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The party or Paul?
   Jenna:
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The PARTY, Liz!
   Pete:
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Good news! We don't have to do these promos after all. NBC says they want them from every show... but us.
   Liz:
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Good year, everyone! [applauds]

The Mental-Liz

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   Jack:
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Uh, what Christmas card did we end up sending out?
   Avery:
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Oh, uh, mmm. [reads card] "Happy Holidays... is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas. Avery and Jack."
   Avery:
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[picks up and holds poinsettia in front of stomach]
   Avery:
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Oh, it's just Liz.
   Liz:
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Why do people always say that?
   Jack:
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Avery's keeping her pregnancy a secret at work, so she's been carrying around large objects whenever she's in the building.
   Liz:
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I was wondering what was up with your show last night.
   Avery:
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[cut to Hot Box with Avery Jessup show] [holding a large ham wearing a top hat in front of her stomach] The market rallying today despite a pullback in gold stocks.
   Liz:
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Anyway, I was going to bring dessert tomorrow, so are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately? [crosses both fingers] Please don't say a half sleeve of Oreos.
   Avery:
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[laughs] I'm not going to be there. I'm leaving tonight to spend Christmas with my family.
   Liz:
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Really?
   Avery:
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It's why I like dating older men. Their parents are usually dead or senile so there's never an argument about the holidays. [kisses Jack]
   Liz:
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Why aren't you and Colleen going with her?
   Jack:
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Oh, you know... uh... Colleen is frail, and Avery is in her third trimester.
   Liz:
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[gasps] You haven't told Colleen about the baby yet!
   Avery:
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What?!
   Liz:
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I've been watching The Mentalist a lot lately because my TV's on CBS and I lost my remote. I think I've become a body language expert. For instance, I can now tell that Jack wants to kill the person to his right. [notices she's to Jack's right]
   Avery:
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Why haven't you told her?
   Jack:
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I just haven't found the right time.
   Avery:
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[at the same time as Liz] That is no excuse! This is her granddaughter that we are-
   Liz:
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[at the same time as Avery] This is so bad! You can't just not tell her that your girlfriend-
   Jack:
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I can't have the two of you on the same side of an argument. We Donaghys believe that when there's something at all delicate to talk about it is best to suppress it. Until it erupts at a fistfight at a church barbecue.
   Avery:
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Och, I understand all that, Jack. The symbol on the Jessup family crest is a knight refusing to talk about his feelings, but this baby is not bad news.
   Jack:
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You don't know Colleen. We're not married, Avery.
   Liz:
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Why should that matter? I mean, she did the same thing.
   Liz:
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I mean, what did Colleen say when you knew about your real dad. [gasps] You never told her about Milton, either! I am the Mental-Liz!
   Avery:
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[at the same time as Liz] That was over a year ago! How could you not tell her? I thought that was the whole point of-
   Liz:
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[at the same time as Avery] You have so many secrets. How do you not get get hives? I-
   Jack:
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[while Avery and Liz are ranting] For the love of God.

To Thine Own Self Be True

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   Kenneth:
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Sir, this came for you.
   Tracy:
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Thanks, K-L-M-N-O-P. I've been waiting for this
   Kenneth:
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Oh, I didn't know you made another Chunks movie, Mr. Jordan. [chuckles] That first one was a classic.
   Tracy:
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[in Chunks as pastor] Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of Althea Chunk.
   Tracy:
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[in Chunks as Althea Chunk in coffin] [farts]
   Tracy:
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[in Chunks as pastor] Damn! That's funky!
   Kenneth:
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Obesity is killing the African American community... with laughter!
   Tracy:
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Yeah, well this sequel is NEVER coming out! I bought the rights so this movie won't be released.
   Kenneth:
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Why wouldn't you want people to see your movie? It looks so funny.
   Tracy:
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That's the problem, Ken. It's sixty-seven minutes of me acting like hilarious fool. If this movie comes out before the Golden Globes it'll ruin my new image.
   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan, I thought you LOVED acting like a fool.
   Tracy:
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No I don't. I'm lying! My favourite thing in the world is making people laugh, but I can't now! I had to go on Charlie Rose, Kenneth. Charlie Rose!
   Kenneth:
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That's horrible!
   Tracy:
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I have no choice! I gotta stay serious. From now on the only movies Tracy Jordan makes are about the Holocaust, Georgia O'Keefe, or both!

Revelation/Confirmation

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   Colleen:
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I didn't care much for the gazpacho soup. I mean, where's the fun of sending it back becuase it isn't hot?
   Jack:
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Mother?
   Colleen:
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Yes?
   Jack:
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Avery and I are having a baby.
   Colleen:
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I see.
   Jack:
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May I remind you this is good news.
   Colleen:
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This is a DISGRACE! What are my chums at the Death Shore Retirement Community going to say when I tell them that my unmarried son has knocked up a Protestant!?
   Jack:
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Oh, I knew you would do this. Take a happy moment and ruin it. Just like you did when I won that scholarship at my high school graduation.
   Colleen:
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It should have gone to the other boy!
   Jack:
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THIS is the reason I waited seven months to tell you!
   Colleen:
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You kept this from your own mother-
   Jack:
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Oh, oh, Colleen, don't talk to me about secrets. I know some things that you've done that you would not want me to bring up right now.
   Colleen:
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Most people thought I was a hero for killing Lydia's parrot. I'm going upstairs now and think about more comments... for tomorrow.
   Colleen:
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[yells from upstairs] This isn't over!
   Milton:
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Jack! Guess what? They just got caller ID in Vermont.
   Jack:
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Milton, I hope you don't have plans for tomorrow. I'm having a little Christmas dinner and I want you to be my guest of honor.
   Milton:
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Well, it is a little sudden, but yes, I'd love to come to your holiday dinner.
   Jack:
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Christmas! It's Christmas dinner.

Rick Visits Paul

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   Paul:
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Hey Rick, can you cover section three for me? I'm in the weeds. Oh, Liz! I'm sorry, I thought you were a transvestite.
   Liz:
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Paul, I need to talk to you... about Jenna.
   Paul:
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How is she?
   Liz:
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Honestly, I don't think I've seen her this upset since hurricane Katrina. The coverage preempted a tampon commercial she was in.
   Paul:
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Och!
   Liz:
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And she keeps trying to pretend it's just about some New Year's party but I think she misses you.
   Paul:
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I miss her, too. But it's over between us now. I don't even think about Jenna anymore. I don't think about kissing her, laughing with her, photographing her with just salamanders covering her nipples. When it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be.
   Drag Queen:
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You can't be on the floor without your rollerskates, Rick.
   Liz:
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I'm not Rick! [watches a transvestite that looks uncannily like her skate away]

Chumming the Waters

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   Liz:
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Merry Christmas, Jack! Sorry, I finished the Oreos in the cab.
   Jack:
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I'm glad you could make it, Lemon. Welcome to my "Christmas Attack Zone."
   Liz:
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What does that mean?
   Jack:
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Professor Milton Greene is on his way here from Penn Station.
   Liz:
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Milton, your FATHER is coming here? Please tell me that Colleen-
   Jack:
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Has no idea. The father that she hid from me for fifty years - the man that she doesn't even know I know exists - is joining us for supper. Uh, red or white?
   Liz:
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White! Jack, what are you doing? You promised me a drama-free dinner. I could be sitting at the corner table at the K-Mart cafe right now.
   Jack:
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[buzzer rings] Oh, that must be dad.
   Liz:
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Wait, does Milton know that Colleen is here?
   Jack:
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No. I want it all to be fresh. Will he erupt with anger over her years of secrecy? Who knows. Milton's a hippie pacifist, but I once saw Colleen provoke a Buddhist monk into whipping a battery at her.
   Milton:
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My boy! [kisses Jack's cheek] This is going to be the best Winter's Eve Light Festival ever! Liz! [hugs Liz] And a happy whatever-you-believe-in, too.
   Liz:
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No. I am not letting this happen. Milton, Jack has an ulterior motive for bringing you here.
   Jack:
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Uh, yes. It's true. You're going to be a grandfather.
   Milton:
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Oh, what a blessing! [hugs Jack and Liz] Oh, life is beautiful. Joy, beautiful spark of the Gods, daughter of Elysium. And Liz, you're already showing.
   Liz:
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No, it's not me! And that is not what he has to tell you. Colleen is here and Jack is using you to ambush her.
   Milton:
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Why would you do that?
   Jack:
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I'll tell you why. Because when my mother found out about your granddaughter-
   Milton:
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It's a girl! She'll be intuitive!
   Jack:
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Colleen did not see it as a blessing. She saw it as an embarrassment because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married.
   Milton:
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An embarrassment? She has no right to judge you. She need to read my new book, "There Is No Wrong Way To Make A Family." [hands Jack book] That's for you.
   Jack:
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I agree with you, Milton, but Colleen disapproves.
   Milton:
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Well that's awfully hypocritical for a woman who kept her son a secret from his own father. I'm going to give her a piece of my mind tonight.
   Liz:
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Oh great, Avery's here and she looks mad.
   Avery:
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Jack, I got your message. How dare Colleen disapprove of me - of us?!
   Jack:
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Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for my message to make you angry and have you come all the way back here. Now there are three people here that are mad at Colleen.
   Milton:
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Wait, this is Avery? How could that woman not adore such a beautiful daughter-in-law?
   Avery:
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Oh! [smiles]
   Milton:
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By the way, we have a tradition in my family where we let the child name itself.
   Avery:
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Oh, yeah, that's hippie nonsense.
   Jack:
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Absolutely not.
   Milton:
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Well, suit yourself, but my son Spider-Man turned out just fine.
   Liz:
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Okay this is disgusting. It is Christmas. You are not going to ambush an old woman for the mistakes that she has made. I mean, who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall twelve year old.
   Jack:
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Lemon, we all know what mistakes are-
   Liz:
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I'm going to tell Colleen what's happening while you all calm down. Where's her room?
   Jack:
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[whispers] Don't worry. I sent her to the east wing. It's very confusing. It was designed my M. C. Escher.
   Liz:
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[from another room] These stairs are weird.
   Jack:
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Mother? Dinner is ready.

Kenneth the Wise

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   Kenneth:
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What are you doing here, sir? I wasn't setting this up because I'm spending Christmas at work. I certainly wasn't going to pretend those trash cans were my parents. [points to trash cans with faces on them]
   Tracy:
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I'm here picking up a serious outfit from wardrobe for my event later.
   Dotcom:
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All the big actors do charity work on Christmas eve. Russel Crowe is having an auction to benefit the victims of his own mood swings.
   Kenneth:
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So what are you doing, sir?
   Tracy:
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Screening my very sad movie "Hard to Watch" at a woman's shelter. It's going to be real depressing.
   Kenneth:
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I hate seeing you like this, sir. And you ruined Ludachristmas.
   Tracy:
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[flashback] In the Darfur region, the dead may be the lucky ones. Next slide.
   Tracy:
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What else can I do, Kenneth? People only take you seriously if you're serious.
   Kenneth:
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But comedy is just as important as drama. People need to laugh, especially in these tough times. And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine? Except for insulin, Spironolactone, and Bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.

Round 1: Jack

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   Jack:
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Mother, you look lovely.
   Colleen:
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I see you brought the bag... that my bastard grandchild will come in.
   Avery:
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Merry Christmas, Mrs. Donaghy. My gift to you is the feeling of superiority you'll have for the next two seconds.
   Colleen:
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Is she drunk, Jack? Because you know, when you're pregnant, one bottle of wine a day and that's it!
   Jack:
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Mother, you must remember Milton Greene? My father and your... shameful sex secret!
   Colleen:
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Why would you bring him here? Oh I see! Trying to make me look like the bad guy, is that is?
   Milton:
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You ARE the bad guy! You kept me from my son for fifty years!
   Colleen:
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You didn't miss much!
   Milton:
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He's a good boy! He got me a kidney... from Elvis Costello. All that time lost because of you and your pride. And think of what I've lost. Going on Father and Son Habitat for Humanity builds, and road trips in my VW van.
   Jack:
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Yeah. Or other things.
   Avery:
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And then you dare to judge us and OUR life decisions? Who do you think you are?
   Liz:
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[arrives through secret bookshelf door] God, this house is enormous! Oh hi, Colleen, I tried to stop this.
   Jack:
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Well, mother, what do you have to say for yourself?
   Colleen:
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[looks around, speechless]
   Jack:
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It's speechless! Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, one and all! [drinks with everyone]

The Idea

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   Jenna:
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[looks at photos labelled "Central Park With The Swans,Summer 2010"] [gasps]
   Liz:
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[answers phone] Jenna, this dinner is a disaster.
   Jenna:
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My life is ruined!
   Jenna:
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I just came up with the perfect couple's costume for New Queer's Eve and I can't use it because of stupid Paul.
   Liz:
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You know what? The reason I'm not with my family right now is because I didn't want any drama, and that's all I'm getting, first from these... Jag-wagons and now from you. Paul is the reason you're upset, it's not about this party-
   Jenna:
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It's about the party! I want to eat shrimp off an old gay dressed as Baby New Year-
   Liz:
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Och. [hangs up on Jenna]

Colleen Plots

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   Liz:
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Hi, Colleen. Are you all right?
   Colleen:
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Just thinking about my next move.
   Liz:
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No, no. What "next move?"
   Colleen:
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This thing hasn't even started. Welcome to my "Christmas Attack Zone!"

The Return of Tracy

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   Tracy:
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Ladies of the battered women's shelter, please be quiet, a man is talking! You're about to watch a film that holds a mirror up to your own terrible lives. You're going to see poverty, drug abuse, and a bunch of babies having a hammer fight in a dumpster.
   Kenneth:
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[echoing] Comedy is just as important! Laughter is the best medicine!
   Tracy:
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Dammit, I can't get Kenneth out of my head!
   Dotcom:
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Actually, he's behind you, Trey. He rode over here with us. You talked to him the whole ride.
   Tracy:
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Well he's right. People do need to laugh. And I'm the medicine. [takes Chunks 2 DVD out of Dotcom's hoodie]
   Dotcom:
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What are you doing?
   Tracy:
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Something I should have done a long time ago.
   Dotcom:
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A long time ago? You just got here.
   Tracy:
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Shut up, Dotcom!
   Tracy:
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[switches DVDs] Ladies and children, I give you The Chunks 2: A Very Chunky Christmas.
   Crowd:
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[applauds]
   Tracy:
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Lights!
   Tracy:
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[dressed as grandfather in Chunks 2] Damn Christmas lights blew a- augh! [falls down stairs]
   Crowd:
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[laughs and laughs]
   Kenneth:
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[gives thumbs up to Tracy]

Round 2: Colleen

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   Liz:
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Well, this has turned out to be the opposite of what I wanted, and I'm going to leave before anything else happens, so...
   Milton:
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[looking at Colleen] Oh my God.
   Colleen:
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My arm... is numb!
   Jack:
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What are you doing now, mother?
   Colleen:
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I think... the stress...
   Jack:
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Don't go to her!
   Avery:
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[to Colleen] Do you have shortness of breath? Are you sweating? Do you have neck or jaw pain? [to everyone] I had a couple rich men die on top me.
   Colleen:
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It's like something... like my son... sitting on my chest!
   Milton:
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We should call an ambulance.
   Jack:
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We are not calling anyone.
   Milton:
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What's the matter with you? Your mother's not well.
   Jack:
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Can't you see that she's faking, Milton?
   Colleen:
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[winks at Jack]
   Jack:
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There! Did anybody see that?
   Colleen:
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[staggers and falls to the floor]
   Milton:
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We have to call an ambulance! Listen to me, dammit, I'm a doctor!
   Jack:
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Of history! In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the sixties were awesome or not?
   Milton:
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They were!
   Avery:
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You hang in there! You need to meet our daughter, little Colleen.
   Colleen:
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Seems like.. people are... back on my side, Jackie.
   Jack:
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[seethes with frustration]

NQE Was Meant to Be

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   Jenna:
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Paul! My ex-lover.
   Paul:
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Listen, I- I'm not here because I want to get back together.
   Jenna:
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Good. Me neither. Can I get you a cup of coffee, or an absinthe enema?
   Paul:
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No, thank you, I- I can't stay. I just wanted to let you know that I had an amazing idea for a couple's costume.
   Jenna:
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Well so did I! What's yours?
   Paul:
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Well maybe we should just say them at the same time and see what happens.
   Jenna:
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[simultaneously with Paul] You dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan and I dress and former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann! We're two black swans!
   Paul:
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[simultaneously with Jenna] I dress as Natalie Portman from the movie Black Swan and you dress and former Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver and Pennsylvania gubernatorial nominee Lynn Swann! We're two black swans!

Jack's Family Christmas

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   Milton:
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Well, it is a Druid Solstice miracle that it wasn't a heart attack.
   Jack:
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Yes, I do believe a heart is required.
   Avery:
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That is enough, Jack. What happened tonight was so scary and the reason that it happened is that we were not being honest with each other. So from now on, no more secrets.
   Liz:
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Okay, I'll go first. I have a crush on The Mentalist.
   Jack:
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This is family only, Lemon. Dammit.
   Avery:
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There is one more secret Jack and I have been keeping from all of you. We were planning to elope in the Caribbean over New Year's, but now we want you all to come.
   Colleen:
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Oh, how wonderful!
   Liz:
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You know what I learned tonight? As hard as you try, no one can escape the horror of Christmas, so it might as well be with your own family. I'm going to go get a bus to White Haven now, and I should be home just in time for Aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.
   Colleen:
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Listen, Jackie. Everything I've ever done in life has been to protect you.
   Jack:
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I know.
   Colleen:
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And if I got upset earlier, it's because I want your life to be perfect! Unlike mine.
   Milton:
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Don't let him off the hook, Colleen. What he did tonight was wrong, and he owes you an apology.
   Colleen:
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He's right. I almost died! And using your father like that is so disrespectful! He's a doctor for God's sakes.
   Milton:
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Your mother and I are very disappointed in you, Jack?
   Colleen:
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What are you smiling at you fruitcake?
   Jack:
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Just my mom and dad... yelling at me. Together. Milton, the Clinton boom years were just an after effect of Reaganomics, and mother, you cannot invite ANYONE... to the wedding.
   Colleen:
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[simultaneously with Milton] What happened to the heart attack?! Boy, I knew you'd only hold back for so long. I'll invite anybody I want to this wedding. To this wedding or any other wedding. Maybe I'll invite Lydia Perkins parrot! Oh, I forgot, I killed her parrot.
   Milton:
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[simultaneously with Colleen] Let me tell you about this talk about Reaganomics, no you insult your own intelligence! Lemme tell you something, what you sound like. You sound like a typical capitalist pig. A capitalist that you were... You are a war criminal. I know, I hate to say it...
   Liz:
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[mouths to Jack] Merry Christmas. [leaves]

Merry Christmas To All!

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   Jenna:
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[duet starts during Colleen & Milton's rant] O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and darkness pining, 'til He appeared and the soul felt his worth. [holding hands]
   Paul:
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[duet starts during Colleen & Milton's rant] O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and darkness pining, 'til He appeared and the soul felt his worth. [holding hands]
   Jenna:
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[cuts to women's shelter crowd watching Chunks 2] A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. [Tracy, Kenneth, Dotcom, and Griz laughing]
   Paul:
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[cuts to women's shelter crowd watching Chunks 2] A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. [Tracy, Kenneth, Dotcom, and Griz laughing]
   Jenna:
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[cuts to Liz getting on a bus] Fall on your knees! O hear the angels' voices! [Liz looks at passenger with parrot on his shoulder] O night divine...
   Paul:
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[cuts to Liz getting on a bus] Fall on your knees! O hear the angels' voices! [Liz looks at passenger with parrot on his shoulder] O night divine...
   Jenna:
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[cuts to Jack smiling while Colleen and Milton yell at him] O night when Christ was born.
   Paul:
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[cuts to Jack smiling while Colleen and Milton yell at him] O night when Christ was born.
   Jenna:
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O night divine, O night when Christ was born.
   Paul:
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O night divine, O night when Christ was born.

Epilogue

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   Tracy:
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[as grandma from the Chunks sitting at a table of family] ♪ O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, it is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.
   Tracy:
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[as grandma] And now everybody - everybody! - have a Merry Christmas, and somebody needs to clean this table up, it's disgusting. Fred, wake up!
   Wally Chunk:
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Merry Christmas from the Chunks.