Gentleman's Intermission    [ Season 5 | Episode: 6 ] - Episode. Explained.

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Dementor

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   Avery:
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I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but I had this made for the baby at Hermès. So she can ride the maid!
   Jack:
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It is adorable, but are we still in love with the name "Charlotte"?
   Avery:
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I think so, why do you ask?
   Liz:
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[flashback] Charlotte? Pftftftftft!
   Avery:
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Are you serious?
   Jack:
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Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess.
   Avery:
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I want to know why you would tell Lemon something so personal.
   Jack:
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I know that my relationship with Lemon may seem strange, but I am her mentor. And the Donaghy mentoring experience is... immersive.
   Avery:
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There needs to be boundaries. That woman is your employee.
   Jack:
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No. She's more than that. I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time. The intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face. The humility to accept my help. And finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acryonym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it.
   Avery:
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It's been four years, Jack. Maybe it's time for Liz to graduate. Maybe it's time for you to carry this baby. Maybe you and LIZ can raise it. Oh no. Crazy hormone swing! WHY DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE ONIONS?! [screams and throws everything off table]
   Jack:
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Lemon! Boundaries!
   Avery:
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[throws custard in Jack's face]
   Jack:
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Got it.

Tracy's Obit

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   Kenneth:
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In here you can see one of NBC's editing bays.
   Lester Holt:
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[on monitor] Tracy Jordan, the star of TGS and numerous films, has died.
   Kenneth:
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No! No it can't be! I'm not done with him, Jacob! He stays on this side!
   Erica:
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Kenneth, Tracy's not dead. NBC News makes obituaries for celebrities to have them ready. They're just updating Tracy's to include his recent submarine DUI.
   Kenneth:
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Oh thank goodness. Say, do you think I could get a copy of that to show Mr. Jordan? That way he can see his own funeral, just like Tom Sawyer! Well, Tom was a fellow from my town we accidentally buried alive. Funny story, after we dug him back up he tried to kill all of us.

Impending Visit

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   Liz:
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Hello?
   Dick Lemon:
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Hey Liz, it's your father, Dick Lemon.
   Liz:
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Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.
   Dick Lemon:
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Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you. Anyway, got a busy week?
   Liz:
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Not really. I was going to take this class called "Cooking For One," but the teacher killed himself.
   Dick Lemon:
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Well what about a visit?
   Liz:
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Really? That would be great. With you and mom here the doormen will have to eat their words about me never having friends over.
   Dick Lemon:
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Well it'll just me be this time, Elizabeth. Your mother isn't coming.
   Liz:
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What? You and mom always travel together.
   Dick Lemon:
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Well, she's not coming this time. I just want to have a little fun by myself. Can't a guy have a little fun?
   Liz:
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What is wrong with you?
   Dick Lemon:
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What's wrong with YOU? Your mother's home. This conversation never happened. [hangs up phone]
   Liz:
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[mouths] What?

Sad Realization

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   Tracy:
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[on tv] I am a Jedi!
   Lester Holt:
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[on tv] Tracy Jordan, star of the Fat Bitch movies, was also voted Worst Representation of a Black Man nine years in a row. Perhaps best known for his FCC fines.
   Matt Lauer:
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[on tv] ...diabetes.
   Tracy:
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[on tv] Thank God I didn't BEEP anybody, and thank God I d- BEEP in s- BEEP.
   Lester Holt:
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[on tv] And giving the Queen pervo-
   Tracy:
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[turns off tv] This is terrible! When I'm dead, that's what I'll leave behind? That's how my grandkids will remember be as they fly around in their jet packs?
   Kenneth:
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Well it's not fair out of context. Her Highness was sending signals.
   Tracy:
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It doesn't matter! That's how the world sees me! As some idiot millionaire.
   Jenna:
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Who? Mark Cuban? That guy ran me over with a jet ski.
   Tracy:
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[leaves, exasperated]
   Jenna:
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What is he so upset about?
   Kenneth:
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It's my fault. I let Mr. Jordan see his obituary.
   Jenna:
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He's dying? Fine. I'll sing at his funeral.
   Kenneth:
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No ma'am. NBC News makes celebrity obituaries. Typical liberal media.
   Jenna:
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They do? Well then I need to see mine. If they used any of the footage from my shoplifting arrest... that would be great because my arms look fantastic.

Shut It Down

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   Liz:
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Hey, can I talk to you for a sec? My dad just called, and --
   Jack:
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Lemon, uh, I'm sorry. If this is about a personal matter we can't discuss it.
   Liz:
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What? Why?
   Jack:
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It's Avery. She's going to be my wife someday and understandably the nature of our... relationship is a little confusing to her.
   Liz:
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Oh, she feels threatened. [with Latino accent] It must be my... sesuality. Because I am so very... sesual. [sensually gestures to herself] You like that? [cackles]
   Jack:
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Uh, maybe Avery is a little emotional these days. She's put in considerable boob weight. She's not used to that and sometimes she... just falls over. It's stressful. But she might have a point about us. M- Maybe it is inappropriate for you to still come to me with every little problem in your life.
   Liz:
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Oh. Okay. Great! Fine. I'll solve my own problems. [tries to open door] [finally gets it] Blammo. Solved it.

No Obit?!

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   Jenna:
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What do you mean I don't have an obituary? I'm Jenna Maroney. I played Arts & Literature in the film adaptation of the film Trivial Pursuit.
   Erica:
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I know who you are, Miss Maroney, but you're not on the list. They only make obits for people they think are... y- you know, important.
   Jenna:
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Like who? [grabs list] Kim Jong Ill? I never heard of her! I should be on here!

Jonathan Fails

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   Jonathan:
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You wanted to see me, sir?
   Jack:
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Jonathan, I may be in the market for a new young person to mentor.
   Jonathan:
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Oh my God! Sir, I have dreamed of this moment -
   Jack:
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But my fear is you don't have enough ambition. The drive to deserve my mentorship.
   Jonathan:
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No, sir, there is nothing in the world I would not do for you.
   Jack:
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My attorney is waiting in his office. He will present you with a contract to be my mentee if you bring him... [holds up knife] my pinky.
   Jonathan:
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No sir. Then you wouldn't be perfect anymore. I won't do it.
   Jack:
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Exactly. I knew that you wouldn't.
   Jonathan:
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No, watch! [grabs knife] I'll cut off MY pinky and tell them it's yours!
   Jack:
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Jonathan! [holds out hand]
   Jonathan:
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[hands Jack the knife]
   Jack:
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Ambition... is the willingness to kill the things you love and EAT them in order to stay alive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?
   Jonathan:
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[looks at throw pillow embroidered with that saying] [whispers] Sorry. [leaves]

Gentleman's Intermission

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   Liz:
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Dad!
   Dick Lemon:
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Hi sweetheart!
   Liz:
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Where are your glasses? And what's with that shirt?
   Dick Lemon:
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I don't need my glasses. And this is an Edward Hardy shirt. A very hip, latino-sounding blur at Mervyns said I look good in it.
   Liz:
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Dad, what are you doing? You're travelling alone, you show up here looking like you've been on spring break for three hundred years, and earlier mom called and told me to give you a hug before your colonoscopy.
   Dick Lemon:
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Uh oh! [chuckles]
   Liz:
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Dad, look at me. What is going on?
   Dick Lemon:
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Honey, there's no easy way to say it. Your mother and I are taking a little break.
   Liz:
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A break? After forty-five years?
   Dick Lemon:
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Honey, it's complicated. We're having problems.
   Liz:
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Really? Does mom know you're having problems, cuz she thinks you're at the doctor.
   Dick Lemon:
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Your mother and I don't laugh like we used to. I don't know what happened. Where has my best friend gone?
   Liz:
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Ugh! What are you talking about? You're just pretending like there's some big problem so you can come up here and... and what?! Try to pick up women? You think they won't notice that you're eighty because you took your glasses off?
   Dick Lemon:
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I will not be spoken to this way, young lady.
   Liz:
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You know what, you're mot staying here during your little time out. Your "gentlemen's intermission." Go to a hotel. Or better yet, go home to mom.
   Dick Lemon:
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Fine. I don't need you. I'm meeting up with my old army buddy Gary. Tonight we're doing a push up and tomorrow we're going to a bar called Swingles. Gary's wife just died a couple of days ago and he hasn't returned the hospital bed yet, so I can sleep there! Now where's the door?
   Liz:
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I'm not telling.
   Dick Lemon:
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[gropes around]
   Liz:
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Cold. This is why you need your glasses. Colder. It's a...
   Dick Lemon:
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[gropes his way into Liz's bedroom] Ha ha!

Shut Down

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   Liz:
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[sighs and dials phone]
   Avery:
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[answers phone] Hello?
   Liz:
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Es tut mir leid. Ich wählte die falsche Nummer.
   Avery:
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Das ist interessant. Weil es, Liz Zitrone auf die Anrufererkennung.
   Liz:
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Hey girl!
   Avery:
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What do you want, Liz?
   Liz:
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Look, I know I shouldn't be calling, but my dad is in town taking a break from being married. It's a gentleman's intermission.
   Avery:
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And you want to talk about this with your boss?
   Liz:
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Well when you put it like that, with the mean voice and all...
   Avery:
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Good night, Liz. [hangs up]
   Liz:
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[sighs]
   Avery:
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[sighs]

Tracy Fails

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   Jack:
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What's wrong, Tre? Why are you sitting in your "sadness spotlight."
   Tracy:
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I seen my NBC News obituary, Jackie D. I look like a fool in it.
   Jack:
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Well certainly you can't be surprised there's a lot of negative stuff about you out there. Don't you ever Google yourself?
   Tracy:
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Sure. I Google myself all the time. Like when Angie's not in the mood or I'm alone in a hotel.
   Jack:
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Uh, Tracy, you do know that Googling yourself means looking yourself up on the internet.
   Tracy:
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I did not know that. That explains why Liz Lemon was so cool the other day.
   Tracy:
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[flashback] Liz Lemon, you mind if I Google myself in your office?
   Liz:
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Sure, Tracy.
   Tracy:
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Can I use your computer?
   Liz:
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How else are you going to do it?
   Jack:
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Tracy, you're someone with a lot of problems who needs constant guidance.
   Tracy:
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And don't forget I never listen.
   Jack:
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If you're open to it, I'm very good at giving advice. For instance, with your obit problem. You've spent years creating a certain public image, but you can change that. You just have to do what Prince Hal did.
   Tracy:
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Who's Prince Hal?
   Jack:
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From Henry IV. You played him in Central Park last summer?
   Tracy:
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[flashback] I don't know any of my lines!
   Jack:
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Everyone thought Prince Hal was a drunken wastrel. But when he because king he transformed himself into a wise and just ruler. He changed the headline. That's what you have to do, Tracy.
   Tracy:
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You know something, Jackie D? That thing I said earlier about Prince Hal got me thinking. I have to change my headline.
   Jack:
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Yes, that's what I just said. Now if I can help you...
   Tracy:
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No, no, no Jackie D. I don't need your help. I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.
   Jack:
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He failed the test of humility. I cannot be his mentor.
   Kenneth:
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Well, I'd love for you to be MY mentor sir, but unfortunately I already have one. [points to janitor]
   Subhas:
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Stop calling me!

Liz Struggles

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   Liz:
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Okay, what would Jack tell me to do. First he would probably explain that evolution makes men promiscuous even when they're eighty like my pathetic dad.
   Pete:
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Is your dad pathetic or is he maybe on some level admirable? Maybe his sons would respect him more as a man. Maybe they'd stop calling him a bald wang in front of the babysitter.
   Liz:
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I mean, can you imagine Dick Lemon at a single's bar? It makes me want to barf.
   Cerie:
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Och, those old men who hit on you at clubs are SO lame.
   Pete:
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Lame, or, or.. heroic?
   Liz:
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Why can't they see how idiotic they look?
   Cerie:
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With guys like that, I always just say "who's younger? Me or your daughter?" That usually creeps them out that they leave.
   Pete:
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That wouldn't work on me.

Jenna Fails

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   Jenna:
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Jack, why does Tracy have a news obit and I don't.
   Jack:
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Ah. I never thought of your for the Donaghy mentoring experience, but you are an unceasing onslaught of dysfunction.
   Jenna:
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Dr. Drew called me "unfixable."
   Jack:
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Let's think this through. You don't have an obit because you haven't done as much as Tracy has. His movies gross millions, his comedy albums go platinum, and he owns the only giraffe team, The New York Necks. So your problem...
   Jenna:
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MY problem? NBC News has the problem.
   Jack:
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Oh I don't think that's right.
   Jenna:
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And you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to make my own obituary and show them how wrong they are.
   Jack:
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Then I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna. You have failed the test of intelligence.
   Jenna:
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Oh really? Well so are you! [leaves Jack's office]

Emptiness

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   Jack:
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Hello, Lemon.
   Liz:
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Hey Jack. How's... business things?
   Jack:
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I made several overseas phone calls today.
   Liz:
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Well, I'm doing great. Like the song, I am taking on m'business.
   Jack:
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Uh, no, it's uh... right. Forget it.
   Jack:
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Shoulders back, Lemon. You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstien.

Liz Needs Help

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   Dick Lemon:
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I can't read any of this, Gary. Can you? [pointing at menu to waiter] Give us... this... third thing.
   Dick Lemon:
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Uh... Hello, miss. My name is Ricky.
   Liz:
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I'm... Dorothy Michaels. And you don't look stupid in that shirt at all. What do you gentlemen do?
   Dick Lemon:
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We work for the FBI. Female... body inspectors. [laughs] Tell me, was your father a donkey herder? Because that ass...
   Liz:
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No! No. My father worked at Philadelphia Power and Light. It's me. Your daughter. Elizabeth Lemon.
   Dick Lemon:
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Elizabeth! What are you doing?!
   Swingles Man:
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Ugh! This woman's trying to hit on her own father!
   Patrons:
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[reacts with disgust]
   Liz:
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No! No! Good people of Swingles, hear me out! My married eighty year old father is taking a "gentleman's intermission."
   Swingles Man:
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That's a great name for what I'm doing!
   Dick Lemon:
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Just what are you trying to accomplish with this... stunt, young lady?
   Liz:
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I am trying to show you how DISGUSTING you are!
   Dick Lemon:
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No YOU'RE the disgusting one!
   Crowd:
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[agrees]
   Swingles Man:
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Yeah. That was a terrible plan.
   Dick Lemon:
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Come on, Gary. Let's go hit that bar with the cool rainbow flags.

Jenna's Obit

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   Jenna:
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A two-time Cable Ace Award nomineee and three-time Tony... Shaloub sex partner, Jenna Maroney is perhaps best remembered for being beautiful. Jenna Maroney, dead at... thirty-two.
   Jenna:
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[sings] Jenna you ripped through our lives like the passing of the wind...

Save the Cat!

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   Tracy:
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Read back what we have so far.
   Kenneth:
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"Ideas to change Mr. Jordan's headline." Then you said "Read back what we have so far."
   Tracy:
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Why is this so hard? All I want to do is turn into a worldwide hero overnight.
   Meredith Vieira:
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Coming up in the next half hour, we're going to meet a heroic cat who saved its owner's life by dialing 9-1-1. What an amazing story. New York's mayor Michael Bloomberg...
   Tracy:
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That cat's a hero. If I save it I'm a DOUBLE hero. Ken, I need your help!
   Kenneth:
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Well actually I have an important church --
   Tracy:
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DENIED!

Avery Fails

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   Avery:
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Hey what's going on? I got a message you wanted to see me.
   Jack:
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Yes, I know you're interviewing John Boehner later. You should know that he has very tiny hands, so...
   Avery:
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Let him hold a miniature golf scoring pencil to make them look normal, obviously. Why are you... Oh my God. Are you trying to mentor ME?
   Jack:
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All right, calm down.
   Avery:
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I am squared away, Donaghy. I get four hours of sleep a night, eat twelve hundred calories a day, and my closet has been on the cover of Organized Living... twice.
   Jack:
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Dammit I knew you'd fail the test of chaos.
   Avery:
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Is it really that difficult to find someone new to mentor?
   Jack:
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It's impossible. I would never say this to her face, but Lemon is above average. She has just the right amount of DIHC for me. I hear it, and I don't care. I've cast a wide net, but even the junior executives here... there's something wrong with this generation.
   Jen Y D-Bag:
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Hey are you Jack? Sorry I'm late. Bee tee dubs, I gotta leave for my ironic kickball leaves in about ten. Also, I'm not interested in this position unless I'm going to be constantly praised. And I won't cut my hair.
   Avery:
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[sighs]

Everyone Wins. Except Kenneth.

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   Tracy:
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It's go time, Ken. You ready?
   Kenneth:
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I've got my hammer, I've got my mask. You just stop me before I get to that cat. [puts on mask]
   Tracy:
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[brandished sword] I'll be right behind you.
   Ann Curry:
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[on tv] ...and finally the weekend box office crown belonged to the indie darling "Hard to Watch." Critics have been praising the gritty drama and the performance of its star Tracy Jordan. Now not to editorialize, but if Jordan doesn't win the Oscar, that would be the stupidest thing since the following segue. Speaking of cats...
   Tracy:
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An Oscar. If I won a Oscar everyone would have to respect me. My obituary would read "Oscar Winner" instead of "Children's Soccer Heckler." It would change my headline. [sheathes sword]
   Tracy:
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I feel like I'm forgetting something. I left Tracy Junior in Atlantic City!
   Kenneth:
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Die, hero cat! I hate you! [glances over his shoulder] I said I'm gonna kill that cat!
   Jenna:
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Killing cats is wrong! Unless it's to make a hat. [hits masked Kenneth over the head with a fire hydrant]
   Kenneth:
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My skull! [falls to the ground]
   Erica:
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Jenna Maroney just saved the hero cat!
   Jenna:
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That makes me a double hero! Try to deny me my obit now you JAGS! And tell people in lieu of flowers, they can pour jewels into my open coffin.
   Kenneth:
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I'm very injured.
   Hero Cat:
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Meow. [dials 9-1-1]

Lemon Wins!

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   Liz:
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You wanted to see me?
   Jack:
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Uh, no, Lemon.
   Avery:
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I did.
   Liz:
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[gasps] Albino ninja!
   Avery:
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Look, I never should have interfered with um... whatever this is.
   Liz:
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Work husband slash uncle.
   Jack:
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Co-worker slash little brother.
   Avery:
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Right, well, she's not ready to move on.
   Liz:
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It's true. I'm wearing a Duane Reid bag as underwear today.
   Avery:
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All right. And for whatever reason, he needs you too.
   Jack:
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It's a symbiotic relationship. I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, and you are a remora, clinging to me with your suction cup head. I give you a free ride and in exchange you, uh... eat my parasites.
   Avery:
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I'm going to leave you two alone. [kissed Jack] I already briefed him on your problem.
   Jack:
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The "gentleman's intermission," yes. Uh, Lemon, does your father have a cell phone?
   Liz:
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Yes. Jack is BACK! If anyone can talk sense into my dad, it's your.
   Jack:
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Oh ho, no. I'm not going to talk sense into anybody. You're father's being irrational, and irrational behaviour doesn't respond to rationality. It responds to fear.
   Dick Lemon:
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[answers phone] Hello?
   Jack:
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[Bronx accent] Yeah is this Dick Lemon?
   Dick Lemon:
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This is he, who's calling?
   Jack:
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I'm Trisha's boyfriend, you scumbag. She told me what happened with youze last night. Now I'm gonna come and find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're going to be throwing up my toenails.
   Dick Lemon:
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No, no, no, no, no! There's been a mistake. I did not do anything with anyone last night. Certainly not a Trisha.
   Jack:
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Oh, now you're telling me my Tricia's not good enough for you? SHE'S AN ANGEL! I tell ya what, I'm getting my brothers and we're comin over there, and we're gonna kick your ass so --
   Dick Lemon:
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[hangs up in fear]
   Jack:
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[snickers, motions "no" to Liz, and redials]
   Dick Lemon:
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[answers phone] Dick Lemon speaking.
   Jack:
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How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's gonna SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm not going to investigate it.
   Dick Lemon:
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That won't be necessary. I'm leaving for Philadelphia today.
   Jack:
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Dick, listen. Tricia told me you're married. I know men are meant to be promiscuous because of evolution, but you made a commitment to a woman you love.
   Dick Lemon:
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I do. I do love her!
   Jack:
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Yeah, that's right. You're a lucky man, a) because you have a family, and b) because I have not CURB stomped you in front of your grandchildren.
   Dick Lemon:
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Actually, I don't have grandchildren.
   Jack:
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Why not? Tricia told me you have a forty year old daughter. What's wrong with her?
   Liz:
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Okay... [shakes her head and motions for the phone]
   Jack:
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I gotta go. I'm taking Tricia to Laser Zepplin. You take care now. Go Nicks!
   Liz:
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Can I show you a weird thing on my leg?
   Jack:
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Yeah.
   Liz:
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[shows Jack her leg]
   Jack:
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That's got to be removed.

Alternate Names

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   Liz:
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Ugh! Claire? Claire.
   Liz:
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Joanne. Okay. Well I look forward to visiting her and her wife... on their farm.
   Liz:
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Jacqueline? Like named after you, like a little Jack but with boobs?
   Liz:
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[glasses crooked] Hi! I'm Daphne Donaghy! I saw a turtle!
   Liz:
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Kylie. Great. She can strip her way through community college. C'mon.
   Liz:
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Uch... I don't know about Christina. Cuz then everyone calls her Tina, and every Tina I've known is a real judgemental bitch.