¡Qué Sorpresa! | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

Prep


	Liz:	Right from the top, one more time, guys.
	Jack:	Everyone, I need your attention. Gather up. I said "everyone," Sketch-Tron 6000. Mr. Hank Hooper, the owner of our new parent company Kabletown, is touring 30 Rock for the first time today. I WILL make a good first impression, so I need all of you to be your most normal. Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from.
	Tracy:	Do not mention the underwater city of Sironicon. Got it.
	Jack:	Jenna, get all of your crazy yelling out of your system.
	Jenna:	[to hair stylist] If you don't volumize my hair I will choke you to death with your boyfriend's wig!
	Jack:	Frank, how is your armpit thing?
	Frank:	Not great. It's almost touching my thigh thing.
	Jack:	Okay. Let's do our best. Remember everyone, just don't be yourselves.
	Jack:	Uh, Lemon, meet me in my office in ten. I need to ask you something.
	Liz:	Ah! Do you need sex advice? Here's a tip: sometimes a lady likes to leave her blazer on.

Sweatshirty


	Kenneth:	Sir, ma'am, this is for you! A gift bag. [reading card] To my two favourite sketch stars, your new friend Hank Hooper.
	Tracy:	That's nice. Actors deserve gifts. Without us who would present awards to actors?
	Kenneth:	[sort of nods and leaves]
	Jenna:	[pulls computer out of bag] So. Which one of us is going to get this computer? Just kidding! [pulls second computer out of bag] We both are!
	Tracy:	Wow, I've always wanted one of these. The box would make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
	Jenna:	There's two of everything! Look at us. When we met four years ago we were fighting about the silliest things. Dressing rooms, air time, you coming in and ruining my show.
	Tracy:	You taking my nephew's virginity.
	Jenna:	I feel we've finally found a balance in our relationship. [pulls sweater out of bag] There's only one.
	Tracy:	You take it. I don't care. I want you to selfishly take the best sweatshirt in the world.

The Small Favor


	Liz:	[knocks]
	Jack:	Um, Lemon this is a little delicate but I wonder if you might take Avery shopping for baby things.
	Liz:	Oh, sure.
	Jack:	You know, a crib, small clothes, a tiny desk with a miniature pen set on it. I don't know a lot about babies but I know Avery would enjoy having another women go with her.
	Liz:	Of course. I'm just a little surprised. I assumed Avery would have a terrifying best friend she'd do stuff like that with.
	Jack:	Avery does have a sister, but Eugenia is currently institutionalized for nerves - [whispers] lesbian - and all of her work friends are out because she's still trying to keep her pregnancy a secret.
	Liz:	Really? She's eight months. How is she possibly hiding it?
	Jack:	Michael Kors is a friend. We own a gay race horse together. And I convinced him to make wizard cloaks fashionable for ladies this winter.
	Liz:	It's my fault for asking.
	Jack:	The problem is that Avery is very close to being named the financial reporter for NBC Nightly News. If anyone finds out she's pregnant she won't get the job.
	Liz:	Och, see, that would never happen if men could get pregnant. Which is the premise of my one-act play "The Seahorses of Warwickshire Abbey."
	Jack:	Avery just needs to keep her condition under wraps until her contract is signed. Unfortunately her competition for the job is Carmen Chao from MSNBC.
	Liz:	Oh, I know her. Hey what ethnicity is she?
	Jack:	No one knows.
	Carmen Chao:	[flash to Carmen Chao on TV] In international news, Mexican president Felipe Calderón is travelling this week to China to meet with premier with Wen Jiabao and then stopping for a well-deserved vacation in Negril, Jamica, mon.
	Jack:	If Carmen finds out Avery's pregnant she'll use it to destroy her. And that's not racist because I don't know what she is.
	Liz:	Man, we all lead such complicated lives. Hey, you wanna go to that new popcorn place for lunch?
	Jack:	I'm going to the Executive Dining Room to meet with Hank Hooper. I can't wait to shake his hand. You can tell a lot about someone by their handshake. [shakes Liz's hand]
	Liz:	You are confident!
	Jack:	And you... ate dinner in front of a mirror last night.
	Liz:	Carol's away a lot.

The Hugger


	Hank Hooper:	Ahoy there, Jack! Hank Hooper. Nice to meet you. [hugs Jack] I'm a hugger. No! Doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds. [waits] Yeah.
	Jack:	Well it is an honor, sir, to finally-
	Hank Hooper:	I'm no "sir," Jack. Call me "Hank." Or "hey, idiot" like my wife does. Kidding. She's an angel.
	Frank:	'Sup, Jack?
	Jack:	What are you doing here?
	Hank Hooper:	No, it's fine, Jack. Kabletown's a family company and where I come from families eat together. This is no longer the Executive Dining Room. It's the Everyone Dining Room! Welcome, everyone! [everyone applauds]
	Jack:	This is where we used to hold retirement parties. The balcony below is probably still littered with stripper bones. Now there are people here wearing sandals.
	Hank Hooper:	Yeah, isn't that nice? Listen, can I tell you how happy I am with the work you've done for us so far? It's been outstanding.
	Jack:	Thank you, and believe me, I'm not done. I'm working on something new right now that I think-
	Lutz:	Room for a single?
	Hank Hooper:	Sure!
	Lutz:	[sits and starts eating lobster]
	Hank Hooper:	Let me ask you a question. Do you know who came up with the idea for the DVR? It was the guy who drives me home every night. The original name for the DVR was "The Thing Carlos Thought Of." Since then I make sure that once a month, anyone who works here can pitch any idea they have to upper management.
	Jack:	Anyone?
	Hank Hooper:	Mmm.
	Lutz:	[sucks lobster] Mmm!
	Jack:	I see.
	Hank Hooper:	So, I want you to hear ideas all day tomorrow and then report back to me. I'll be the guy wearing the Bugs Bunny tie? [laughs]
	Lutz:	What is this green stuff? [holds lobster it out to Jack] Wipe it off! Wipe it off!

The Verbal Trap


	Avery:	Uch, these pregnancy photos are SO tacky! There're like those knock-off bags you get in Chinatown.
	Liz:	Really? I like my Pradar bag. [holds it up and it falls apart]
	Avery:	[gasps]
	Carmen Chao:	Avery Jessup. ¡Qué sorpresa!
	Avery:	Carmen! What are you doing here?
	Carmen Chao:	Oh I just love babies. Love their creepy little hands and the way they crawl fast like a rat monster. Question is, what are YOU doing here?
	Liz:	Oh she's here with me. I'm pregnant and Avery is helping me decide... what kind of baby megaphone to buy. [picks up breast pump and pretends to play it like a trumpet]
	Carmen Chao:	Really? YOU'RE the pregnant one.
	Liz:	Yeah. Some dude jacked me and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.
	Avery:	Well we're going to go. You're tired.
	Carmen Chao:	Oh, you'll find this interesting. I'm working on a story right now on single mothers in their forties.
	Liz:	That's a great idea.
	Carmen Chao:	So you'll be in it. Why wouldn't you be? You just said it a great idea and you're pregnant, right? So by the law of verbal traps, you HAVE to do it.
	Liz:	Okay, Carmen. I'll be in your story. You can interview me at the new popcorn place on eleventh avenue.
	Carmen Chao:	No, we'll do it at your office.
	Liz:	Fine, I'll just go to the popcorn place alone, even though all their advertising suggests it is a place for GROUPS of friends to have a good time.

Sweaty Conflict


	Jenna:	[admiring herself in the Kabletown sweatshirt]
	Tracy:	Hello. Good sweatshirt to you. How are sweatshirting this sweatshirt?
	Jenna:	Is everything all right, Tracy?
	Tracy:	I want that sweatshirt!
	Jenna:	No! You can't take this away from me, like you took away my show. And my grandmother's jewelry chest.
	Tracy:	Was I supposed to throw up in something of mine?
	Jenna:	You gave this to me.
	Tracy:	And I can take it back. I'm the star here, and if there's only one sweatshirt the STAR should have it. Look how gray it is. Let me just hold it for one second.
	Jenna:	Well, okay. [unzips sweatshirt] But just one second. [throws sweatshirt back on] You'll never get her! [flees room]
	Tracy:	Stop! Sweartshirty is a boy!

The Big Favor


	Kenneth:	Miss Lemon, Carmen Chao called about an interview. Is she doing an expose on how feminism has led to a happiness crisis among educated women.
	Liz:	No, Kenneth, it's nothing. I'm going to call Jack and make it go away.
	Frank:	Check this out. I was up in the Everybody Dining Room, sharing a table with Bee Dubs, here. And guess what he told me?
	Brian Williams:	Okay, gossip alert. According to my colleague Carmen Chao, our friend, Liz Lemon, is pregnant. [everyone gasps]
	Frank:	Dude. Is that true? Are you pregnant?
	Jack:	Isn't that wonderful news? Lemon told me this morning she got "jacked, big time." Lemon? A word? [pulls Liz into a room]
	Liz:	What the hell is going on?
	Jack:	Thank you for covering for Avery last night. But now you're part of this, and Carmen Chao is RELENTLESS, like a bloodhound. Perhaps literally. We still don't know her genetic background.
	Liz:	So what, now people think I'm pregnant. Do I have to do this "mom" news story?
	Jack:	There is no news story. Carmen isn't getting anywhere with Avery so she's calling your bluff.
	Liz:	Well it is CALLED. I am telling everyone here there's no way I could be pregnant. Because I have had my period for the last sixty-one days.
	Jack:	Lemon, please. Avery's career has never been more important because I just don't know what's happening with mine!
	Liz:	What? Why?
	Jack:	Oh, the Everyone Dining Room, open office hours, memos with emoticons in them. If this is how Kabletown does business I don't know if I have a future here. I'm Jack Donaghy! Don Geiss gave me this watch for firing a man on his death bed!
	Liz:	So wait, you might leave?
	Jack:	I don't know if I can survive here, so I need you to fake being pregnant to help my family. I'm asking you as a friend.
	Liz:	How come when I try to get you to go to a Murder Mystery party with me it's all "we're business colleagues, Lemon." Och, I don't know why I ever chose you as a friend.
	Jack:	Let's just be clear about this: I chose you.
	Lutz:	[comes in the room] I heard the blessed news, Liz. May I kiss your stomach?
	Liz:	Absolutely not!
	Lutz:	[kneels and kisses Liz's stomach] Hello beautiful. [kiss] It's uncle Wutzy. [kiss] Oh, hey Jack, you and I have a pitch meeting later. [give Jack The Trigger] [kiss] You're a baby! Yes you are! Yes your baby- Ugh.

Co-Worker Pitch Day


	Frank:	Hiyee ya! [karate kicks] So that's basically the show. And my sidekick is a hot black chick who can read minds.
	Pete:	[in meeting with Jack] We need a button that switches from pornography to basketball immediately. What you have isn't fast enough. My kids are starting to ask questions that I can't answer.
	Dotcom:	[in meeting with Jack] This'll just be a minute. [to Griz] Did you check the light bulb?
	Grizz:	Please do not use that tone.
	Kenneth:	[in meeting with Jack] So much of television is really not fit for children or Christians or the elderly, so what if there was a black bar on the lower half of your TV screen that kept you from seeing bad things? Like nudity. Or soccer.
	Jack:	Congratulation. Worst so far.

Liz's New Trick


	Jenna:	Liz, I never get anything. All I want is one sweatshirt.
	Tracy:	Don't listen to her. She's not me!
	Liz:	What is going on?
	Tracy:	[at the same time as with Jenna] The story begins when dolphins ruled the earth.
	Jenna:	[at the same time as Tracy] This is mine.
	Pete:	Guys. Lay off Liz, okay? You know she's pregnant.
	Tracy:	Really?
	Liz:	Yeah. Super pregnant.
	Tracy:	Congratulations. I am not interested in godfather duties.
	Jenna:	Now's not the time to discuss this, but I will need to eat your umbilical cord.
	Tracy:	I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It could turn your child into a Dracula.
	Jenna:	I'm sorry.
	Liz:	You know what, give me the sweatshirt. [takes it] Problem solved. [throws it in the garbage] Now no one gets it.
	Liz:	[whispers] Pregnant! Pregnant. Now get out of here and hold hands like best friends on the way out.
	Jenna:	[leaves, holding hands with Tracy]
	Liz:	Wow, that is like magic.
	Pete:	People are nice to pregnant ladies. I'm going to run down stairs. Do you want anything? Remember, you're eating for two.
	Liz:	Well, I guess two egg sandwiches. Time two is four.

Jack's New Low


	Hank Hooper:	Good morning! So how did Co-Worker Pitch Day go, Jack?
	Jack:	Well, EMPLOYEE Pitch Day was of course a new experience for me.
	Hank Hooper:	Oh, speaking of new experiences, I ate at an Indian restaurant last night. I had naan!
	Jack:	Sir, I- I- I mean Hank. I appreciate you have your way of doing things, but so do I. I am a Six Sigma Black Belt Ultra with the groin branding to prove it.
	Hank Hooper:	What's... Six Sigma? Rock band?
	Jack:	I'd like to start this meeting by sharing one of my own ideas. And after you hear it maybe we can agree that Employee Pitch Day is time that could be better spent drinking and and, uh, looking out the window.
	Hank Hooper:	Okay Jack. You're putting it on the line. What have you got?
	Jack:	Hank, what's the one part of the television experience that's not perfect? To me it's the remote control. Too easy to lose, right?
	Hank Hooper:	Yes! I lose my remote all the time! Grr, couch cushions. [laughs]
	Jack:	What if you didn't need a remote control because your remote control was your own voice. Television on. [TV turns on] Channel NBC. [TV changed to NBC]
	Detective Oldafin Tutuola:	[on TV] Crew out of the Brox called the Ace Dueces.
	Hank Hooper:	Amazing!
	Jack:	I give you "Voice Activation."
	Detective Oldafin Tutuola:	[on TV] Word from my CI's he got off by- [TV turns off]
	Jack:	That shouldn't happen. TV on! [TV turns on] Uh, "Voice Activation" or "VoAct"-
	Sgt. John Munch:	[on TV] The only lead we have is some mute kid- [TV mutes]
	Jack:	Unmute! [TV unmutes]
	Detective Oldafin Tutuola:	[on TV] My friends at the DEA say these guys have a high volume of cocaine coming in from the docks. [TV turns the volume way up]
	Jack:	Low volume! Low volume!
	Sgt. John Munch:	[on TV] First I want to go home and delete everything that's on my DVR. [TV reads "DELETING ALL..."]
	Jack:	Oh come on!
	Detective Oldafin Tutuola:	[on TV] Now why would you do that? Aren't you six episodes behind on Top Chef?
	Jack:	TV mute! [TV mutes]
	Hank Hooper:	Jack. It doesn't seem to work. You got any other notions or should we jump to employee ideas.
	Jack:	No, no. No. I have another idea. What if, um... What if... you had a black bar at the bottom of the screen that prevented you from seeing anything dirty.
	Hank Hooper:	I like that. I like that a lot. It would allow parents to eliminate racy content like soccer or a woman stuffing a turkey. That's a real family company kind of idea, Jack, and we could sell ads in the black bar. Increase our revenue stream!
	Jack:	You could call it... "Blah Bar."
	Hank Hooper:	A plus work, Jack. [hugs Jack] I don't need to hear anything else if that's the kind of ideas you're bringing. Nine, ten. [stops hugging] You will go far, son. Yeah! [leaves]
	Jack:	Crap. [TV switches to "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"]

Leverage Denied


	Jack:	Kenneth, we need to talk. Earlier today I told Hank Hooper about your black bar concept and... he loved it. However, I presented it as my own idea.
	Kenneth:	Wonderful! Next topic!
	Jack:	What? Uh, no. This is an opportunity for you. You have me over a barrel. What are you going to do.
	Kenneth:	Not what my uncles does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that.
	Jack:	This is business, Kenneth. All bosses steal from their employees, but in return the employee gets something.
	Kenneth:	You didn't steal anything from me, sir. Last time I checked best friends can't steal from each other. Now stop being a silly Simon. [walks away]
	Jack:	This isn't how it works! You're the one being a silly Simon!

Cornered


	Liz:	Carmen. What are you doing here?
	Carmen Chao:	Well, you didn't call back to schedule our interview so I thought I'd just ambush you with some pregnancy questions. I hope you're not unprepared.
	Liz:	Of course not.
	Carmen Chao:	When are you due?
	Liz:	April 20th, Hitler's birthday.
	Carmen Chao:	What is your pediatrician's name?
	Liz:	Doctor Rufus T. Barleysheath.
	Carmen Chao:	Where was the baby conceived.
	Liz:	In my vagina.
	Carmen Chao:	What named are you considering?
	Liz:	Rufus T. Barleysheath.
	Carmen Chao:	How are you feeling?
	Liz:	Oh, a little achy and nauseous, but I'm hanging in there.
	Carmen Chao:	Are you pregnant.
	Liz:	No... way that I'm not.
	Carmen Chao:	[to cameraman] Owen, screw. [cameraman leaves] I don't know why you're doing this for Jessup. She's a blonde. Don't you know there's a war going on? Or you're doing it for her old man husband. He's your boss.
	Liz:	First of all, Jack means nothing to me. Shoot him in the throat and let the dogs eat him, I don't care!
	Carmen Chao:	What- What's wrong with you?
	Liz:	Almost everything, but let's get back to the interview.
	Carmen Chao:	We're done with that portion. I thought it would be a fun visual if we got some B-roll of you taking sexy pregnancy photos where you bare your stomach like the pregnant bitch that you are. What do you say?
	Liz:	Let's take some pictures.

The Blah Bar


	Jack:	An innovation that is both family- and bottom line-friendly, gentlemen, I give you... Blah Bar.
	Female Model:	[on TV with an ad for Kernel's Popcorn Palace on the bottom half] You're really sexing me right now.
	Male Model:	[on TV] It's filthy.
	Hank Hooper:	[claps along with everyone else, and chants] Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! Jack! [whistles] Jack! Jack!

Leverage Me, Dammit!


	Kenneth:	One time a saw a turtle-
	Jack:	Who the hell do you think you are? [stops elevator] This is not the way the world works, Kenneth. Bosses steal and employees use it for leverage. So what do you want? Money? A promotion? I can get you into a restaurant where you watch a child play with a bunny, then you eat the bunny.
	Kenneth:	Isn't that just "Easter?" And I don't want anything, sir. I'm just happy to spend all day here helping my work family.
	Jack:	Family. I now work for a man who thinks like you!
	Kenneth:	Does he also solve mazes by starting from the end?
	Jack:	I need this, Kenneth. I used you, now leverage it. Blackmail me. Demand to sleep with Avery. Hit me! Hit me in the face!
	Kenneth:	No, sir! Best friends don't-
	Jack:	I am ordering you to strike me. There will be no retaliation, but if you refuse you're fired.
	Kenneth:	No! I don't even know how.
	Jack:	Do it! Hit me now!
	Jack:	[ducks, puts Kenneth in a choke hold and knocks his out] Oh damn my Krav Maga training and lighting reflexes. [to Kenneth] Release me you hillbilly Circe!

Bluff Called


	Liz:	I am life! Revel in the glory of motherhood! Gaia flows through me! Rufus T. Barleysheath is kicking!
	Carmen Chao:	I know you're not pregnant. Why don't you just admit it.
	Liz:	[shakes her head]
	Carmen Chao:	She's grabbing oil. Owen, run! [they flee]
	Liz:	[rubs oils on her stomach] Look how my belly glistens! [photographer keeps taking photos]

Kenneth's Prize


	Hank Hooper:	What's going on, Jack? I was just about to hop on my bus back to Philadelphia. I don't fly, but I got my own bus with a pool table in it. We'll drive to Branson together sometime. Take you to a Yakov Smirnov show. Doesn't Russia sound like a crazy place?
	Jack:	Yes, sir. Uh, but before you go I want you to meet someone. Uh, this is Kenneth Parcel, one of our pages.
	Hank Hooper:	Well I didn't notice you there, son. You do not have a lot of charisma.
	Jack:	Kenneth is the one who came up with the Blah Bar idea, not me. I'm sorry I misled you.
	Hank Hooper:	Oh. Well, Jack, I have to say I'm surprised.
	Jack:	Here's my letter of resignation. It's probably for the best since this is obviously not a good fit. If you call security to escort me out you should know I have several pistols hidden on me.
	Hank Hooper:	Hold on, Jack. No one's quitting. I'm impressed you told me that. You have a reputation, Jack. As a shark. Kabletown, we're not sharks. We're more like... whatever the friendliest fish is. I'm not a science guy. The point is, I wasn't sure how you were going to fit in, but you doing something like this tells me we're going to be just fine.
	Jack:	Very well. Good.
	Hank Hooper:	And Jack should give you something for that idea, son.
	Jack:	Finally! Thank you. [to Kenneth] Quid pro quo.
	Kenneth:	But I don't want anything.
	Hank Hooper:	No? How about a hug?
	Kenneth:	[look of pure joy sweeps over him]
	Jack:	You've got to be kidding me.
	Kenneth:	[keeps hugging Jack] Sir, it doesn't count as a hug unless it goes on for ten seconds.
	Hank Hooper:	You got that right, son.
	Kenneth:	[very slowly] One... Mississippi...
	Hank Hooper:	That's some good huggin'.

Everybody Wins


	Avery:	[on TV] And as excited as I am to be joining the team on Nightly News, I will miss my dear friends here on basic cable, but Carmen, you have an exciting new assignment, right?
	Carmen Chao:	Yes. I will be covering hurricanes.
	Jack:	[turns off TV] Thank you, Lemon. I owe you.
	Liz:	If you want to make it up to me, I have my eye on a toilet pillow from a certain medical supply store.
	Jack:	Uh, Avery and I want the baby's middle name to be "Elizabeth," after you.
	Liz:	Oh, Jack. That's so gay balls.
	Jenna:	[knocks and comes in with Tracy] Hey, Liz. Can we get you anything?
	Tracy:	Do you need some lineament rubbed on your perineum?
	Liz:	No, guys, I'm not really pregnant. I was just pretending to help Jack.
	Tracy:	Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real! It takes the same amount of time.
	Jenna:	No. Tracy. She lied to us. And she ordered us around like we were a couple of normals!
	Tracy:	You will be punished! Can I have my nunchuks back?
	Liz:	Or... we could call it even. [hands "pregnant" photos to Jenna who starts going through them]
	Jack:	Good God!
	Liz:	I have been punished! These are yours to keep.
	Jenna:	[flipping through photos] Ugh.
	Tracy:	[looking at photo with Liz's breasts covered by a black man's hands] What?! Who's the black guy?
	Liz:	A bicycle messenger.
	Jack:	You took your pants off!

Co-Worker Pitch Day Redux


	Lutz:	[in meeting with Jack] What if there was a channel that's just the sounds of people having a party so you could put it on when you call your parents.
	Subhas:	[in meeting with Jack] You know what my TV is? A sunset.
	Liz:	[in meeting with Jack] How about a button you push on your remote and you can buy anything you see on TV. Like if you're watching Sex in the City and you just HAVE to have Mr. Big's spaghetti.
	Jenna:	[in meeting with Jack] What if we executed someone live on TV. [points to hair stylist]
	Brian Williams:	[in meeting with Jack] And then I pull off MY mask and I'm a lizard person, too. Black out. End of episode.

¡Qué Sorpresa! [ Season 5 | Episode: 13 ] - Episode. Explained.