Queen of Jordan | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

Recap


Angie:	Previously on Queen of Jordan...
Angie:	Don't tell me I can't sing! What the ** have you ever done? Who the * are the Beatles?!
D'Fwan:	I know what you said about me.
Randi:	Please. I don't even think about you. You're nothing.
Tracy:	I know the photo shoot for Randi's dog's funeral is the wrong place to tell you this, but uh... I'm going to Africa.
Angie:	It's my way till payday.

Angie Preps for Business


Angie:	D'Fwan, glue in the business weave. I have an important meeting with Jack Donaghy from NBC today.
D'Fwan:	D'Fwan forgot his catchphrase.

Angie Defies Liz


Angie:	Since Tracy is off helping people in Africa, I finally have a chance to focus on me. That is why I'm launching my music career. It has been my dream ever since I was a little... drunk the other day and rented out a recording space.
Jack:	[Jack's subtitle: Jack, NBC Executive/Tracy's Boss]
Liz:	[Liz's subtitle: Liz, Another Person]
Jack:	Oh Angie, thank you for coming in. NBC could not be happier about Queen of Jordan. For the first time in six months we beat ALL the music choice channels except of course Latin Beats.
Angie:	Well Angie's thinking of the next move now. As you know my single "My Single Is Dropping" is dropping.
Liz:	What's happening?
Angie:	My single is called "My Single Is Dropping." And it's dropping.
Jack:	Angie, My Single Is Dropping is the reason I wanted the three of us to meet. With Tracy gone, TGS will be airing another Best Of special.
Liz:	Actually legal says we can't use the word "best."
Jack:	Either way the studio is free so I thought we would have your release party there. You would perform and Lemon here will help you put it together.
Liz:	What? No. I thought we were here to talk about getting Tracy back from Africa.
Angie:	Look, I love Tracy, but he is WORK.
Tracy:	Angie! Look what the banister did to me!
Angie:	Do you know how much of my time he wastes?
Tracy:	Let's role play!
Angie:	Tracy! We're going to be late!
Tracy:	Our boat exploded!
Angie:	With Tracy away it's time to let Angie be the star. I hope Tracy doesn't come home for months.
Liz:	Months? No. We can't make it that long without Tracy. You can't do this!
Angie:	Are you giving me orders? Am I the waiter? Is this the restaurant that I'm opening up with Dennis Rodman and Webster?
Liz:	No. I just thought you would be on my side. Yes we can. Obama '08, remember?
Jack:	Look, this is a very complic- [awkwardly trips and sprawls across the carpet]
Jack:	As an executive of Kabletown and NBC Universal, I am ordering you not to use that footage. John Francis Donaghy. Verbal signature.

Reality Hijinks Heat Up


Randi:	Angie's single release party is tomorrow night. It seems like the perfect place for me to reveal my shocking secret past.
Liz:	No, we're not writing a tearful admission of you being a call girl in Delaware. Write it yourself.
Randi:	For your information I am a Christian Illiterate, so that's not an option.
Liz:	You know what, I'm not getting sucked in to your crazy reality show nonsense.
Jenna:	Liz. I'm so mad at you for that thing you did. [throws wine at Liz]
Jenna:	[subtitle: Jenna, Former Child Star] Am I trying to instigate fights by throwing wine at people just to get on camera? And maybe also promote my new lifestyle website, Jennas-Side.com? Of course now. I mean, is wine throwing something that even gets on you a reality show? [cut to Portia throwing wine in D'Fwan's face] [cut to Angie, D'Fwan, and Randi throwing wine in each other's faces] [cut to Randi in a limo throwing wine in a German Shepard's face]
Liz:	Oh, Jenna, I told you not to buy that domain name. Say it out loud.
Jenna:	Jennas-side. Jennas-side. I'm not hearing it, Liz.
Jenna:	[tips Jennas-Side.com cap at the camera]

Frank: Portrait of a Molestee


Toofer:	Hey, guess who's getting out of Jail?
Pete:	[subtitle: Pete, Powerless Bald] I don't know, but I hope they didn't collect $200. [smiles at camera]
Toofer:	Lynn Onkman. Remember her?
Pete:	Oh sure, that hot teacher from Queens who had an affair with her student.
Toofer:	Oh my God, check out this picture. Frank, is that you? You never said you were in Lynn Onkman's class.
Frank:	Sure I did. What?
Pete:	Do you know the kid she had an affair with?
Frank:	No. Yes. I don't know. Shut up!
Randi:	It was YOU.
Frank:	I don't want to talk about it.
Toofer:	Well done, sir!
Pete:	Guys, a teacher preying on a student is wrong.
Frank:	Yeah.
Pete:	If the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome! Standing ovation.
Frank:	You don't understand. It was love. We were in love!

Jack Counsels Liz


Angie:	I need to look good for my party and I refuse to wear anything in my size or appropriate for my age.
Jack:	Lemon, a word? [pulls Liz into another room and starts whispering, which is all subtitled] This morning. I did not trip.
Liz:	What? Yeah, you did-
Jack:	Shh... You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.
Liz:	God, Jack, calm down. They're not gonna use you tripping on the show.
Jack:	I am not going to be portrayed as some buffoon. I am graceful. I was an athlete at Princeton.
Liz:	What about our real problem? We need Tracy back but all Angie cares about are her own dumb projects. D'Fwan told me she's the new spokeswoman for the Ham Council!
Jack:	People do like the way she says "ham."
Angie:	Ham! [pronounced haa-yam]
Jack:	Lemon, I want Tracy back too. Why do you think I suggested you oversee her performance tomorrow? Because you're hip and know a lot about music?
Liz:	I like bands. Like... Amy Grant.
Jack:	No. So you'd have a reason to spend time with Angie. Manipulate her. Play her like the Lake Course at the Olympic Club.
Jack:	A notoriously easy gold course. Force her to call Tracy.
Liz:	I knew you'd have my back.
Jack:	Speaking of which, your shirt if tucked into your underwear.
Liz:	Wow! If only Tracy were here he'd be like "Damn, woman, I want to make love to your neck!"
Jack:	Don't do impressions of other races.
Liz:	Roger that, Angie.

Party Planning


D'Fwan:	I'm in charge of setting up for Angie's party. Because I'm not just a gay hairdresser, I'm also a homosexual party planner.
Kenneth:	[subtitle: Kenneth, Elderly Page] Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.
Jenna:	Hey girlfriends! Why don't we all have some drinks and talk about how I think Portia has no class. Hey you heard me, Portia!
D'Fwan:	Uh uh! I will not be in the same room that woman.
Randi:	Is this about what happened in Atlantic City. I didn't say it.
D'Fwan:	[flashback in limo with Blue Man Group member] You did.
Randi:	I didn't say it.
D'Fwan:	You did.
Randi:	I DIDN'T SAY IT!
D'Fwan:	YOU DID!
Randi:	I didn't say it!
D'Fwan:	You did.
Lynn Onkman:	Excuse me. Um, I'm looking for Francis Rossitano.
Portia:	Oh snap! That's Lynn Onkman! Portia reads the papers.

Reunion


Lynn Onkman:	[subtitle: Lynn Onkman, Educator/Sex Offender] [comes into writer's room]
Frank:	Mrs. Onkman?
Lynn Onkman:	Frank R.

Jack Overcompensates


Dotcom:	Michael, are you back on meth?
Michael:	Mm mm! No, why you got some?
Jack:	Think fast!
Jack:	Nice catch, Dotcom.
Dotcom:	[subtitle: Dotcom, Grizz's Best Friend] I'm sick of being disrespected by that man! Sick of it!
Jack:	Yeah. I was an athlete. Very graceful. Sports stories? I got some.
Grizz:	[subtitle: Grizz, Greg's Best Friend] Uh, I'm meeting my friend Greg for lunch.
Dotcom:	Again?
Jack:	When I was at Princeton I played baseball AND football. And back then football players went both ways.
Dotcom:	Really? So you went both ways?
Jack:	Yeah! We all did. It was the 70s.
Dotcom:	So when you played baseball, were you ever on the DL?
Jack:	Yeah. I was on the DL most of my junior year.
Dotcom:	Mmmm.
Dotcom:	DL can mean Disabled List. But it can also mean Down Low. Or secretly gay. Which one was Jack talking about?
Jack:	When we were on the DL we spent most of our time in the whirlpool getting rubbed down.
Dotcom:	You were a switch hitter?
Jack:	Switch hitter. Pitcher. Catcher. Whatever the boys needed.
Jack:	[subtitle: Jack, Tracy's Gay Boss] I think I made my point.

Jenna vs. Portia


Jenna:	I drank all the throwing wine and I have something to say to Portia. I know what you said about me.
Portia:	Good. Because I'm concerned about you. Even thought we just met I can tell you're an alcoholic.
Jenna:	C'mon Portia, I don't want to fight.
Portia:	I have battled my own demons and you need help.
Jenna:	No. I don't need any help. I am in denial about my disease and I don't know what would change that.
Jenna:	Drunk actor brainstorm: I'm going to make Pete host an intervention for me. It'll be all about Jenna. Drama, crying, the beauty of redemption. Perhaps a song. This is the best day of my life.

Liz Works on Angie


Angie:	I'm sorry, you want me to perform in this?!
Liz:	Yeah. You're Amy Grant from the Baby Baby video. The one where the man likes her at the carnival.
Angie:	That's some white nonsense.
Liz:	Too bad Tracy's not here to take your side. He'd be like "Damn you, Liz Lemon!"
Angie:	We discussed this, Elizabeth.
Liz:	Yes. Ah. Anyway, I've got the auditions for your backup dancers.
Angie:	Good, cuz I'm looking for dancers who can dance for fifteen seconds, cuz that's how long my song is.
Liz:	What? That's my wedding video.
Angie:	Oh no. I must have mixed up the DVD discs. Och, well we'll just have to watch it anyway and see what feelings arise.
Tracy:	Angie! Just start!
Angie:	Are you wearing handcuffs, Tracy?
Tracy:	Can my friend Cheese come with us on our honeymoon?
Angie:	What?!
Liz:	Okay I should have watched that first.
Angie:	Do you see how exhausting that man can be?
Liz:	Yes, he has his flaws but I know you two love each other.
Angie:	Yeah, and with him gone our relationship has never been better. So he can stay in Africa for as long as he wants. I'm on Angie time now.

First Date


Randi:	Frank and Lynn's story really moved me, so I let them have their reunion date at the stripperobics studio I bought with the money I got after that cop shot me.
Frank:	What else did you miss in prison? Oh, they kept remaking the Hulk and it kept getting worse.
Lynn Onkman:	Can we talk about something other than comic book movies?
Frank:	Sure. Yeah. Uh...
Lynn Onkman:	I thought about you a lot when I was away. And I still remember the moment when we fell in love.
Frank:	You were administering a scoliosis test to the class and you lingered on my spine.
Lynn Onkman:	Frank, why did you bring me here, and who's that woman?
Randi:	[on stripper pole] A friend. Continue.
Frank:	I'm sorry but I couldn't bring you to my place. My mom's there and she still wants you to rot in hell.
Lynn Onkman:	You live with your mother?
Frank:	Yeah. Otherwise who would wake me up for work.
Frank:	What's wrong?
Lynn Onkman:	Oh, Frank. The boy I fell in love with was the most amazing eighth grader that I've ever met, and I couldn't wait to meet the man that that boy became. But you haven't grown. You're still talking about superheroes and video games and why Seth... Logan shouldn't have played the Green something.
Frank:	Hornet! Yeah, and- and it's Rogen.
Lynn Onkman:	It's like you're stuck.
Frank:	Oh, I- I wonder why I'm suck? What could have happened to me when I was fourteen to make me never want to grow up?!
Lynn Onkman:	Inside voice, Frank, and I refuse to take the blame for that. I- I- I- I lost everything to be with you.
Frank:	Well, this is who I am. If you don't like it then what's the point? Now [raises hand] may I be dismissed?

D'Fwan Welcomes Jack


Jack:	[title: Gay Jack] [blue screened flashback of him stumbling]
Jack:	I thought this was a meeting to discuss your spin off where you do matchmaking for wealthy dogs.
D'Fwan:	I lied. D'Fwan thinks that maybe you're not being true to your you. I know what it's like to live a lie. I used to be in the military but I was unfairly thrown out because I went berserk around all those dudes and tried to bang everybody.
Jack:	It has come to my attention that some of what I said yesterday may have been misconstrued. "Going both ways" in football means playing offense and defense. And there is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. [singing] Oh the merry men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls- Okay I hear it now. Regardless, I'm not gay. Or clumsy. So your little show has nothing with which to embarrass me. [stands up to chair/farting sound] That was the chair. Here I'll show you. [sits down and gets up a few times with no noise] It was the chair.

Jenna's Intervention


Jenna:	What is this?
Pete:	Jenna. Everyone here loves you very much but because of your drinking we feel like we're losing you.
Jenna:	Is this... an intervention?
Pete:	We all agree it's gone too far. Kenneth, Richard Esposito, your two psychics.
Psychic:	Wait. You're seeing another psychic? I mean, I knew that.
Jenna:	No! I am not doing this! I'm leaving! [sits down] Read your letters.
Pete:	Jenna, everyone has written you letters that they would like to share.
Kenneth:	Miss Maroney, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways: Number one, I was so worried I forgot to write the rest of this letter. Thank you.
Jenna:	I mean... [starts crying]

Liz Gets Caught


Angie:	Webster, we need to talk. Your check didn't clear.
Liz:	[frantically using laptop] [swears repeatedly]
Angie:	Scuse me, is that my computer?
Liz:	No, I was just um... No, pinwheel, not now!
Angie:	Are you on MY email? Are you emailing my husband?
Liz:	I can explain. I'm asleep right now and I think that that's my computer. Guh! Huh? Wha? Where am I?
Angie:	"Tracy, as your wife I'm ordering you to come home-"
Liz:	I know this looks bad
Angie:	"-the kids need you and I want to give you all the sex things you like. For instance, doing it across the bed instead of up and down."
Liz:	Saw that in a movie.
Angie:	"Come home now. Sho' 'nuff, Angie." Sno' 'nuff??
Liz:	It's a first draft.
Angie:	Are you trying to trick Tracy into coming home? Were you trying to trick me with my wedding video? Listen. You're not in charge. I am. Mind your own business.
Liz:	Yeah but Tracy is my-
Angie:	[yanks some of Liz's hair out]
Liz:	Ow! Come on!
Angie:	There's more where this came from. I'm contractually obligated to pull out some bitch's weave eight more times this season.
Liz:	It's not a weave! God.

Pete's Triumph


Jenna:	It's the beauty of redemption.
Pete:	Jenna, will you accept the help we're offering you today?
Jenna:	Of course! Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
Pete:	Jenna, this is Charles. He has his van waiting outside.
Jenna:	How nice.
Pete:	He's going to take you to the airport and then fly with you to the Alternatives Treatment Center in Minnesota.
Jenna:	Well of course. Cuz that's how interventions end. And I can't back out now otherwise they can't use any of this. Oh God!
Pete:	Anyway, that's why I did it. One, to see the fear in her eyes, and two, without Tracy or Jenna we can file a claim against this show's insurance and keep getting paid without working, so... This is kind of the best day of my life.

Frank's Rebirth


Randi:	After my second husband shot me the second time, I realized that love is the most important thing in the world. I just hope Frank does the right thing.
Lynn Onkman:	Oh, Frank! How did you know where I work.
Frank:	It's one of the benefits of being in love with a registered sex offender.
Lynn Onkman:	Frank, about what happened at Randi's, uh... strippercise studio, I-
Frank:	No. You were right. I've been afraid to grow up.
Lynn Onkman:	Well... Well- Whoa! What are you doing?
Frank:	I'm throwing out my kid's stuff. I want to become the man you waited for. The man you helped cheat on the Presidential Physical Fitness test. [puts comic book into fryer]
Lynn Onkman:	Well if you didn't get better in the shuttle run they were going to put you in the hospital.
Lynn Onkman:	Oh no! That's your favourite, you can't!
Frank:	Skeletor's not my favourite. You are.
Manger:	[face blurred out] Are you throwing toys in the fryer? You're fired, Onkman. Now give me a waiver to sign. The world has to be educated about Blurry Face Syndrome.

Liz's Last Straw


D'Fwan:	Angie's changed her hairstyle since this last photo was taken and D'Fwan is a coifectionist.
Liz:	Wow. She gets a whole window? Wait, what used to be there?

The Single Drops


Jack:	Oh, Angie, a Queen of Jordan indeed.
Angie:	Mmm! Jack. I also suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Jack:	It was the chair.
D'Fwan:	I hope you're not this clumsy on the dance floor.
Jack:	I am not clumsy.
D'Fwan:	You know why you're so tense? It's cuz you have a secret locked up inside you. A man-sex secret.
Jack:	You know what? I give up. If this idiotic show insists on portraying me as some clumsy gay flatulent, so be it. I am extremely secure in my athleticism, my masculinity, and my rectal integrity.
D'Fwan:	Mmm hmm!
Jack:	Mmm hmm indeed, D'Fwan. I know who I am, so if you want to dance it would be my pleasure. [starts dancing awkwardly with D'Fwan]
D'Fwan:	Yeah he's straight. That boy can't dance.
Jack:	I know what D'Fwan said about me and it is on. I'm a superb dancer. At Princeton I played Maria in an all-male production of West Side Story. Oh, forget it! You people should be ashamed of yourselves.
Pete:	Jenna what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on a plane!
Jenna:	I explained to Charles that I was just pretending to be an alcoholic to get on camera and we laughed and he said I can drink as much as I want. So cheers to good friends!
Charles:	You- You're insane! In the lobby and pulled a wrench out of her purse. Hit me over the head!
Jenna:	I will never go to Minnesota!
Angie:	My Single Is Dropping is not just about a single dropping. It's about a woman learning to fly! A woman who doesn't need a man. Or anybody. Except Josh and Sidney Bernstein management, Sidney and Josh Bernstein accounting-
Liz:	Shut up, Angie! Just shut up! I'm sick of your selfishness! People's jobs are at stake!
Angie:	I'M selfish? You are a joke and everybody thinks so!
Liz:	Let me talk. I am talking! Will you let me talk? Can I talk for once? You need to call Tracy right now, because I know he's your man but he is my man, too, and TGS is my family, and my family is thick as thieves. [dumps over a table] Now who here wants to teach me how to fight?
Kenneth:	Attention everyone. I found a glove in the elevator. If anyone's missing a glove I may have found your glove.
Liz:	Angie I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry.
Angie:	No. It's not you, Liz Lemon. It's them. [points to Lynn and Frank] I miss my weird love, but he won't come back.
Liz:	What?
Angie:	I've been trying to get Tracy to come back ever since he left, but he won't. So I sit and act like this is what I want, but what I really want is for everything to go back to the way it used to be. I just want to wake up in the morning and look over at my husband asleep on our neighbour's roof.
Liz:	But if you can't get him to come back, who can? What if he never comes back? What is going to happen to all of us?
Kenneth:	Wait. You know what? This is MY glove. If anyone sees another glove, I've lost one of my gloves. Thank you!

Next Week on Queen of Jordan


Angie:	Next week on Queen of Jordan.
Jack:	I challenge you to a [censored] dance contest. [starts dancing] Wooo!
Jenna:	You'll never get me, Charles.
Liz:	Why are you mad at me?
Randi:	Because of what you said.
Liz:	I never said it!
Jack:	That was the chair because I only pass gas once a year for an hour atop a mountain in Switzerland. Oh God!
Kenneth:	Oh brother.

Queen of Jordan [ Season 5 | Episode: 17 ] - Episode. Explained.