* Quotes are grouped by Scene
Cold Sores
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Dr. Spaceman:
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All right, now that the popsicle's melted we've got ourselves a tongue depressor.
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Liz:
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I wanted you to look at these cold sores. I get them when I'm stressed out.
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Dr. Spaceman:
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Ah they're nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes.
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Liz:
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I just had a hard couple months. Work has been crazy and I went through a bad breakup and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.
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Dr. Spaceman:
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Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.
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Liz:
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Actually I was hoping you'd just have an ointment for my mouth.
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Dr. Spaceman:
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Liz:
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Cuz I'm dealing with the stress thing. Over the break I'm renting a cottage out in the Hamptons. There's just four things I want to do this summer: be outdoors, wear shapeless clothing, do some mindless activity like gardening, and learn Spanish.
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Dr. Spaceman:
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There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates so it's tricky. All right, here's a prescription for your cold sores and here's a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren't you wearing pants?
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Liz:
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The other doctor told me to take them off.
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Dr. Spaceman:
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Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?
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Jack's Despair
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Stop right there. I know people are feeling sorry for me because my wife was kidnapped by Kim Jong-il.
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Liz:
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Jack:
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But I do not need your pity and I am tired of hearing that tone of voice.
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Tracy:
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Jenna:
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Lutz:
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Janitor:
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Hey I know what you're going through. I once kidnapped a woman...
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Stop talking like that, Lemon.
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Liz:
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I'm trying tooooo but I'm kind of locked in, sweetie. The voice is controlling me now. Help me?
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Jack:
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Look, obviously this has been difficult. I'm not sleeping. Last night I sat in front of the TV and ate an entire carton of foie gras, I can hardly drink my morning shower scotch. I miss Avery. It's the little things I miss most. On a day like this we would go to Strawberry Fields in Central Park and kick hippy's hacky sacks into the bushes.
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Liz:
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Look, you need to reset and try to feel normal again.
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Jack:
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Normal? I don't know what normal is anymore.
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Liz:
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Normal is a woman and a woman getting married and having a child.
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Jack:
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Liz:
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Does me being a bummer help you feel like your old self?
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Jack:
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Liz:
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Bush is a war criminal! There's so much texting going on these days and no communicating. Carbon tax!
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Jack:
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Liz:
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The Face of Wool
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Liz:
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Well, I'm off. Have a good summer, Jenna.
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Jenna:
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Oh I will. Do you remember when I performed at half time at the Wool Bowl? It was on the ESPN 34.
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Jenna:
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You can't spell America without W-O-O-L. It's all better in wool.
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Announcer:
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Jenna:
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Wooly! The wool mascot, everybody!
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Jenna:
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The sponsors were so happy with me they're now naming me the new celebrity face of wool.
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Kenneth:
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How exciting! Every year my aunt sends me a wool sweater for Christmas. We get it, Aunt Alice, you're a sheep!
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Jenna:
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Also this is very lucrative. Paul and I can finally buy that time share in Betoston Bos, Amsterdam's premiere private sex garden. They have genetically altered men there with minotaur heads that chase you through the brambles.
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Liz:
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Okay! Well goodbye, my... closest female friend.
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Summer Plans
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Liz:
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Oh my God. The season's over, why are you losers still here?
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Frank:
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Final melee, Liz. It's the last game of the season and no one wants to lose.
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Liz:
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You have no summer plans?
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Toofer:
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Well, David Eggers and I are designing a new font...
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Liz:
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Och, shut up! Frank, you have a girlfriend.
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Frank:
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And Lynn wants me to give up video games cuz she thinks I need to grow up. How's this for grown up? Last night for dinner I put MILK in my Apple Jacks.
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Liz:
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Ha! I distracted you and you died. Game over.
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Frank:
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No. I shot my bazooka at the ground to kill myself cuz Toofer had me cornered. Now I Respawn and start over.
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Liz:
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So you're killing yourself rather than let someone else win?
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Toofer:
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That's why everyone has zero kills and we've been playing for 18 hours.
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Lutz:
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I'm wearing a diaper. Like a baby would.
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Liz:
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Wow. I can't wait to get out of here. For three months, it's going to be glorious.
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Ina Garten:
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Hi neighbor! I'm Ina Garten. You know my husband Jeffrey is away and I have some bruscetta and some white wine open. Why don't you come over?
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Liz:
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Liz:
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All I have left is to pay the fine that I incurred for committing a "hate crime" against what the city is now claiming is a Jewish tree. And I'm free! Have a great summer. I'm not one for goodbye speeches but I do feel... Lutz, what are you doing?
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Lutz:
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The Morality Clause
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Eugene:
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Jenna, this is a great day for the Wool Council.
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Jenna:
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Well I am very proud to be your new spokeswoman. You know, in the past I was the face of Clinque, a French-Canadian Anal Rejuvenation clinic. And I was the feet of filthylittlefeet.com.
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Eugene:
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Yes, well, about that... Jenna, wool is a wholesome fabric, which is why your contract includes a morality clause. You will be required to conduct your personal life in a manner which is consistent with the values of this industry.
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Jenna:
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Eugene:
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We're just a little worried about publicity like this. [passes Jenna a paper reading "Hooray for Hollyweird? Jenna's Four-Legged Love Affair with a photo of Jenna walking Paul like a dog]
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Jenna:
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No. Eugene. That's not just some guy I picked up at a dog bar. Paul and I are in a committed relationship.
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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No! Paul is a gender dysmorphic bi-genitalian pan-sexuale.
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Eugene:
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I see. Maybe we should take a few days and think about this.
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Jenna:
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No. Whenever men say that I never see them again. You just need to meet Paul. Our relationship is everything that wool is about. Love, warmth, chafed skin. [singing] Oh noble sheep, we eat your babies. We use your brain to fight off rabies! But the most beautiful gift you give us is wool.
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Eugene:
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All right, Jenna. I'd love to meet Paul. Let's say dinner tomorrow night at your place. I'll bring my wife.
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Jenna:
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Eugene:
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I should warn you: this had better be a very normal dinner. No hijinx, no farce. And not just for the sake of your relationship with the National Wool Council, but for the sake of my wife whose parents were killed in front of her while an episode of Three's Company was... You know what, I'll let her tell the story at dinner. Wool-come, Jenna.
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Kenneth's Gesture
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Jack:
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Sherry, who was at the do- [sees Kenneth] Kenneth, what are you doing?
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Kenneth:
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Well, I know your wife was kidnapped by some convenience store owners and I'm real sorry about that.
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Jack:
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I'm not looking for pity.
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Kenneth:
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Pity? Oh, sir. Back in Stone Mountain people lose their spouses all the time. Mumps, hill people attacks, cave collapses -- both business and residential -- continuing my list...
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Jack:
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Kenneth. What do you want?
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Kenneth:
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When someone needs help you don't waste time feeling sorry for them. We help them. And you seem like you could use a home-cooked meal.
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Jack:
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Oh that smells delicious.
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Kenneth:
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It's an old Parcell family recipe, but I look to replace the Union soldier meat with boiled potatoes.
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Jack:
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I haven't eaten at this table since Avery's been gone. That was her chair.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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No. Please, sit. You two have similar-shaped buttocks.
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Kenneth:
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Ahem. Dear God, thank you for this venison. Onion god, thank you for these onions. Carrot god, thank you for the carrots.
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Liz's Neighbor
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Recording:
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Spanish for Older Women, Lesson 12: Emergencies. Disaster approaching: Desastre inminente.
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Liz:
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Tracy:
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Fore! Oh my God, Liz? It's Tracy! From work.
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Liz:
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Tracy:
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I just bought everything around this house. It's supposed to be a nice area. Except for the "new element" everyone keeps talking about. Look, I got a long night of shooting guns in the air ahead of me. You mind if I take a nap here?
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Liz:
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Of course you're my neighbour! I wanted a normal summer and chaos is my normal.
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Tracy:
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If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
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Second Date
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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Ahhh, Kenneth. Thank you for dinner last night. It was nice to hear a woman's laugh in the house again.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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I thought maybe we could do it again tonight.
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Kenneth:
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Oh, sir, I'd love to but I can't.
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Jack:
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Kenneth:
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Well I have to work. Now that the crew is gone I like to give everything a good spring cleaning, starting in the bathroom. There's a lot of drawings of Miss Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.
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Jack:
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I see. Another time, perhaps. I'll just be alone in a house full of memories.
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Kenneth:
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My house is full of white cockroaches.
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Planning Dinner
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Jenna:
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Paul:
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I got you an early anniversary present. It's a new leash for when I walk you through the park like a dog. Weather's supposed to be nice and muddy tomorrow. What's wrong?
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Jenna:
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Look, I'm the face of wool now. I need to maintain a certain image.
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Paul:
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So, what are can't be ourselves?
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Jenna:
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Just not in public. We can do whatever we want here. Except tonight. Mr. Gremby is coming over for dinner.
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Paul:
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Eugene Gremby from the Wool Council? Tonight?
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Jenna:
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I just want him to meet you and see us together. Then he'll get it, he'll understand what we have. But, the Gremby's are pretty conservative. Maybe you should change.
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Paul:
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Really? This is a conservative top, Jenna. And I hate to be the stereotypical man, but this is my home and I want to wear this blouse.
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Jenna:
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Paul, please. You need to change.
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Paul:
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Okay. I'll change. I'll cancel the sitter for tonight. Tell him he won't need to come sit on us after all.
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Jack Fixes the Second Date
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Jonathan:
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You just made a very dangerous enemy, Kenneth!
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Kenneth:
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Thanks for the heads up, Jonathan. Do you want to come to my birthday party?
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Kenneth:
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What are you doing? That's my job.
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Jack:
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Uh, Jonathan volunteered to clean up so you could come over again tonight, right Jonathan.
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Kenneth:
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But sir, it's not just the bathrooms that need cleaning.
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Jack:
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That's why Jonathan's family is here. Uh, Liddy goes down at seven, so I'll see you then.
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Kenneth:
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Neighbor Trouble
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Tracy:
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Liz:
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Any idea when your party will be over, Trey?
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Tracy:
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The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
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Liz:
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I can't do this, Tracy. This is supposed to be my vacation. I wanted to spend it learning Spanish, not living next door to you. I give up. Of course I'm not allowed a human being.
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Tracy:
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Oh I'm sorry. You didn't want to live next to your friend? After all I've done for you? How many times have I come over and painted your apartment.
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Liz:
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Three! And by the way, stop doing that.
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Tracy:
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Or maybe you're saying we're not friends. That's fine. I don't think it'll affect my behaviour next season.
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Recording:
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The sad woman has been trapped by the idiot. La mujer triste ha sido atrapado por el…
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Liz:
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We're friends! Next year's going to be fine cuz we're good friends. We're sp... spending the summer together.
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Tracy:
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Great! I'll come over tomorrow morning!
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Jack Gets Weird
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Kenneth:
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Well, since you've just been staring at me like that for the last 20 minutes I'm going to scoot on out of here.
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Jack:
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Don't go, Avery. I mean Kenneth.
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Kenneth:
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Sir, you called me Avery. That's your kidnapped wife's name. What a coincidence.
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Jack:
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I haven't slept in days. I'm not really feeling like myself. You know, in the evening Avery and I would sit together and talk. It was a nice way to unwind.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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So, tell me about your day.
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Kenneth:
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Well, I got a soft yes from Jonathan about my birthday party, then I went to a very uncomfortable dinner.
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Jack:
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Do you know what I did today? Tried to be strong, sat alone with my thoughts, then I went to a wonderful dinner.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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The Dinner
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Eugene:
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Paul:
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I'm in the restaurant business and I really love… golf playing.
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Eugene:
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Is that so? What's your handicap?
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Paul:
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Oh, well I don't have one myself, but I do like a girl with a limp.
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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So, Mrs. Gremby, you're also named Eugene?
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U. Jean:
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Oh, no dear. It's U. Jene. My first name is Ugene, with a U.
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Paul:
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Oh. That's a nice blouse. It definitely goes with YOUR eyes, don't you think, Jenna?
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Eugene:
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Golf. Blouses. I'm just so impressed with how normal this dinner has been. VERY wool.
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The Sitter:
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Greetings, slaves! Who's ready to get sat on?
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Paul:
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Uh, uh sir? I- I don't know who you are, but you're not wanted here! Didn't you get my text?
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The Sitter:
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I thought it was part of the game.
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Paul:
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We are good people who have no interest of being sat on. So don't spew your statistics on the health benefits of weekly sittings or its wide acceptance in Eastern cultures. We're normal! And being normal is American and it's respectable and it makes us... happy. Now get out of here.
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Eugene:
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Well done, sir. Bravo! You handled that pervert with aplomb. VERY wool. To tomorrow's photo shoot and wool.
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The Sleepover
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Jack:
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[spooning Kenneth] Shhhhhh. [pulls Kenneth back]
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Liz's Out
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Liz:
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Unbelievable. You're still here.
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Frank:
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It's still zero zero zero.
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John:
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To zero. I did it. I spoke!
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Liz:
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Frank:
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What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be out in the Hamptons not getting invited to stuff?
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Liz:
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I came back for the day. Tracy lives next door to me. I can't leave, I can't stay. I'm trapped.
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Toofer:
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Speaking of trapped, I got you Lutz!
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Lutz:
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Nope. Grenade. Blowing myself up.
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Liz:
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Oh my God. That's what I have to do. I can be a normal person. I have to do blow myself up.
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Liz's New Summer Vacation
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Liz:
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No, your honor, I'm not disputing the fine. I'm refusing to pay it. Grenade. Respawn!
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Judge:
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Miss -- I mean ma-am -- read the fine print. If you don't pay I can sentence you up to three weeks of community service.
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Liz:
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How about three months? This is sham your "DIS-honor." Nay! A mockery! I put the system on trial. You can't handle the truth! I'm out of order? YOU'RE out of order! Victor Sifuentes! HOOAH!
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Judge:
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Gavel! Gavel! Gavel! I lost my gavel over the weekend but it doesn't mean that you can talk to me like that.
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Liz:
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Talk to who? I just see an empty robe.
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Judge:
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Do you honestly not see me or are you being rude?
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Liz:
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Judge:
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That's it. TWELVE weeks of community service! You'll spend your whole summer picking up trash. Gavel! Gavel! Gavel!
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Liz:
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Freedom! For me. Probably not you guys.
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Kenneth Fixes Jack
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Kenneth:
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[wearing pink robe] Mr. Donaghy, where are my clothes?
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Jack:
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Sherry must have put them in the wash while you were showering. Now, give us a twirl.
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Kenneth:
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Jack:
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Now what do you say you put on some of Avery's perfume and we head over to Strawberry Fields and whip pennies at the drum circle.
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Kenneth:
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I don't like to swear, sir, but no thank you! Now, maybe I haven't had a wife who was kidnapped, but I have seen the Brady Bunch where Tiger runs away. We've all been through some bad stuff, Mr. Donaghy.
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Jack:
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I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
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Kenneth:
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All right sir, enough. You wanted me to be Mrs. Donaghy? Well I know Mrs. Donaghy and she is mean.
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Jack:
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She one made Rahm Emanuel cry in an airport lounge.
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Kenneth:
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So fine. I will be Mrs. Donaghy and I'm going to say "Listen to me, Jack. You don't want people to pity you, well they should. Because you're pitiful! You think you're all alone? Boo hoo, why can't my life be the way it was? Well it can't! And you're not alone! You have a daughter you should be spending time with instead of being weird to Kenneth. He may be a chinless piece of human garbage but he will NEVER fill the void that I left behind. Oh look, here he comes now. He's going to ask me to come to his birthday party." [doing extremely goofy/insulting imitation of himself] Hi Mrs. Donaghy! You wanna come on down my birthday party? "No. I can't. But I know JACK can."
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Jack:
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Kenneth. Kenneth. I get it. [gives his clothes back] Uh, Sherry? Put Liddy's baby pantsuit on. I'm taking her to work with me today.
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Sherry:
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Jack:
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Paul & Jenna Reclaim Their Lives
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Eugene:
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Here's to you, Jenna Maroney. Even with your back to me I can definitely tell it's you.
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Paul:
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Eugene:
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Perfect. I'll keep talking. Mmmmm... Wool. You know my wife U. Jean is out of town visiting her parents' graves. Maybe we could meet later for a drink and you could show me your front.
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Paul:
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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[turns around, wearing a wig and beard] And Jenna!
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Eugene:
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Jenna:
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I'm finally taking a stand. After all these days. You wanted us to be normal? Well this is our normal. And this is what you think of your morality clause.
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Paul:
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Mmm, give mommy some beard.
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Paul:
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Ohhh, you've gone some crumbs in here.
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Jenna:
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Reunion
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Jack:
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Jack:
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Liddy, say "good God, Lemon."
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Liddy:
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Liz:
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I did it, Jack! I got my dream vacation.
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Jack:
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Liz:
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I'm outdoors, I'm wearing comfortable clothes, I'm gardening, and I'm learning Spanish!
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Sanitation Worker:
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Vuelve a tu trabajo, Limona! Esta bolsa no esta llena, eh!
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Liz:
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Estoy hablando con mi amigo. De todos modos esta es mi tercera bolsa. Grítale a Hector!
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Jack:
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Uh, Liddy and I just went to Strawberry Fields where she spat up on a white lady's dreads. It's nice to see that we're back to our version of normal.
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Liz:
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Jack:
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Paul:
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There you are! Bad dog! You'll go in the crate tonight.
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Paul:
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Hey Jack. Hey Liz. [gets hit in the head with a golf ball]
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Tracy:
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Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
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Liz:
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Tracy:
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I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
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Kenneth:
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[watching from a distant rock, with a telescope] You see all the good that is in them? How much capacity for love? Yes, I know. I just need more time with them. Give more time, Jacob! I BEG OF YOU! [title: TO BE CONTINUED]
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Season Six
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Frank:
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No, I see you. I'm killing myself. Respawn.
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Toofer:
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Lutz:
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Liz:
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Ola, everyone! Are you ready for season six? [writers stop and look at each other] Oh my God.
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Frank:
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Wait, how long have we been here?
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