The Fabian Strategy    [ Season 5 | Episode: 1 ] - Episode. Explained.

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The Return of Jack

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   Liz:
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No, Tom Jones, no!
   Jack:
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Lemon, it's Jack.
   Liz:
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Whoo Jackie...
   Jack:
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Oh Lemon, Avery and I just got back from the most amazing vacation on Paul Allen's yacht. For four glorious weeks, my naturally blonde lady love and I basked in the three S's: surf, sun, and...
   Liz:
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Sandwiches?
   Jack:
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Huh, we didn't need sandwiches Lemon, it was so warm you could pick fully cooked lobsters out of the water. Sheer bliss. Avery is the most perfect woman ever created. Like a young Bo Derek, stuffed with a Barry Goldwater.
   Liz:
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You sound weird. Do you have a beard?
   Jack:
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Not for long. It's back to reality. No more making love on the beach surrounded by a privacy circle of English trained butlers. But I've got to get out of island mode and back into work mode. How was your summer?
   Liz:
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Get this: my gynechologist committed suicide.
   Jack:
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And I'm back. [hangs up]

The Return of Carol

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   Liz:
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[phone rings, Liz answers] Carol.
   Carol:
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Hey Lizzie, I'm about to take off. I'm in Lambert-St. Louis. And I can see the arch from here. No wait, that's a half burnt down McDonald's.
   Liz:
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Oh.
   Carol:
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Anyway, weather's great and I just have to go St. Louis, Newark, Newark, Atlantic City, Atlantic City to Newark and then I'll be there.
   Liz:
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Who flies Newark to Atlantic City?
   Carol:
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Black bachelorette parties. Gotta go. [hangs up]

The Return of Tracy

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   Liz:
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[phone rings, Liz answers] Hello.
   Tracy:
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Yo, I'm calling to say that I'm giving you a hundred and ten percent this year. I'm realized, I'm focused, and I'm gonna be churning out the good stuff like you've never seen.
   Liz:
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That's great, Tracy.
   Tracy:
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Oh, I mis-dialed, I thought iwas calling my nutritionist. Goodbye. [hangs up]
   Liz:
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Ok, Season Five, here we go.

The Producers

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   Jack:
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What about office supplies, do you think you can come down five percent there?
   Pete:
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I'll try. We're already printing all of our internal memos on the back of my kids' art
   Jack:
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In order for this merger to stay attractive to our friends at Kabletown we have to seem like a sexy and profitable company and we're almost pulling it off. The Harry Potter theme park is a huge hit with both anglophiles and pedophiles, the movie division has a James Cameron movie the whole world will see whether they like it or not. Only NBC continues to be the engorged whitehead on the otherwise flawless face of Universal Media. Lemon, why are you spending so much money on wigs?
   Liz:
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Tracy's head size keeps changing.
   Jack:
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Hang on, what is this pay increase for Jenna?
   Pete:
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Oh boy. Look, as we enter the 5th season of TGS -- and remember no one ever thought we'd make it this far --
   Liz:
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I believed in us.
   Jack:
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And that was actually an oversight.
   Pete:
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-- Jenna has some crazy stuff built into her contract that kicks in now.
   Liz:
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Like what?
   Pete:
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Eye contact. Everyone must make eye contact with Miss. Maroney at all times. She also gets a producer credit.
   Liz:
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What?
   Jack:
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Oh it's just a vanity credit, Lemon. A low cost way to make someone feel more important. Like executive producer Ashton Kutcher or Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
   Jenna:
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Am I late for the producers' meeting? [Liz and Pete look down.] Eye contact. [They look up. Jenna turns to Jack. Jack looks directly at her.] Thank you.

Tracy and Kenneth

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   Tracy:
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Hey K.K.K.K! First day back's gonna be a busy one. First, I need you to go to the drycleaners for me and find out how Martinizing works. I've always been curious. Then, I need you to be back by noon to make the bathroom smell like sandalwood before I wreck it. You got that, K-Pax-of-gum?
   Brian:
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I'm not Kenneth, sir. My name's Brian. Kenneth got fired at the end of last season.
   Tracy:
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Of course. I knew that.

The Fabian Strategy

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   Jenna:
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Good meeting. [Jenna leaves.]
   Jack:
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So how are things with Carol?
   Liz:
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Good. Did you know that if you're a pilot, that Chilis will seat you right away even if the pilot's dinner companion has just been yelling at the hostess?
   Jack:
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You are the Jackie O of our time.
   Liz:
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And pilot's get all these travel points at Starwind hotels. The one in midtwon has free internet.
   Jack:
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He doesn't stay with you when he's here?
   Liz:
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Why would he? Those Starwinds are nice. I mean the bathtubs are so much cleaner than at home. I don't know how they do it!
   Jack:
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They clean them. You are not in a real relationship Lemon.
   Liz:
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Och, I hate that word relationship. It's almost as bad as climax.
   Jack:
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You can't just do the vacation part. At some point you have to go home to the same house, unpack your dirty laundry and have a life together. Then one of you says, "we should redecorate," and the other one says, "please Avery, I'm using the commode right now."
   Liz:
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Ooh, she wants to redecorate? SHe just moved in?
   Jack:
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Avery, uh, has opinons. I love her for that. Unfortunately, she wants to repaint the upstarirs hallway in a strie faux finish called Husk. I prefer the color that's already there. A reddish brown shade called Elk Tongue.
   Liz:
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So tell her no, it's your house.
   Jack:
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This is how I know you've never had an adult relationship. If I say no, then I will be required to say yes to something else in the future and the stakes in the future might be higher.
   Liz:
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Then say yes.
   Jack:
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If I give in, I'm no longer the Alpha in my house. Before I know it, she''l have me wearing jeans and reading fiction.
   Liz:
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Yeah well, yes and no are kind of your only two choices.
   Jack:
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For most men, sure. But there is a third option: The Fabian strategy.
   Liz:
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I know this. If an apple and a feather fall at the same time --
   Jack:
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The Fabian strategy derives it's name --
   Liz:
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No.
   Jack:
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-- from the Roman general Quintus Fabius Maximus. He ran away Lemon, rather than engage in battle, he would retreat and retreat until the enemy grew fatigued and eventually made a mistake. Though I abhor it as a military strategy, it is the basis for all my, uh, personal relationships.
   Liz:
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So Avery is your enemy. That sounds healthy.
   Jack:
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You're in no position to judge. Meeting someone in a hotel room twice a month is not a relationship, just ask any hooker.
   Liz:
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Och, stop staying relationship. [walks away]
   Jack:
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I'm sorry. I was going to say climax.
   Liz:
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[walking away] Aaahh!

Jenna the Producer

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   Jenna:
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A line item budget! Ooooh. I LOVE this! It takes people and turns them into amounts of money. Except for Tracy, I'm the most person on the show. What do we do now?
   Pete:
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Oh, okay, well Jack wants me to keep the budget flat, but I don't want to deny people their raises.
   Jenna:
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You should fire Grace from wardrobe. She doesn't do anything.
   Pete:
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Fire Grace? C'mon you'd have to be a heartless monster to --
   Jenna:
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I'll do it.

Jenna the Heartless Monster

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   Jenna:
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Grace, your position has been terminated. Effective immediately.
   Grace:
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But... I've been here since the Jack Parr Show!
   Jenna:
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Your health insurance will remain in effect until the end... of this sentence. C'mon. Chop chop. [gives Pete a big thumbs up]
   Grace:
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What a shit job.

Tracy and Liz-Kenneth

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   Tracy:
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Kenneth! I knew you'd come back! Lemme smell your head
   Liz:
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C'mon! This is a woman's blazer from a very expensive blazer shop called Rico's.
   Tracy:
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I'm sorry, but my heart is playing tricks on my eyes, just like my kidneys did to my lungs that time.
   Liz:
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Are you okay?
   Tracy:
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I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
   Liz:
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No, Tracy, it's normal. Kenneth was very special to you and now he's gone. The next time you hallucinate. The next time you hallucinate just tell yourself "This is not real. I am in control of this."
   Tracy:
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Like the World Cup. I'll try. [Tracy sees Kenneth everywhere.]
   Tracy:
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No. This place is too full of memories. I gotta clear my head.
   Liz:
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Okay well we've only been back to work like an hour... and bye.

Would You Rather

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   Frank:
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Liz. Get in on this. Would you rather.. have to start every sentence you say for the rest of your life with Erkel's catchphrase "did I do that?" [in a nasaly Erkel tone] OR be siamese twins with Sharon Stone for a year.
   Liz:
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Did I do that? [Erkel impression] [Together with Carol]
   Carol:
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Did I do that? [Erkel impression] [Together with Liz]
   Liz:
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Carol!
   Frank:
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So. Carol. Did you ever join the mile high club?
   Carol:
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Try five miles high, and no, I have not.
   Toofer:
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Did you ever see a UFO up there?
   Carol:
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Uh, no, but once while I was in the Air Force I saw Mr. T in a Pizza Hut.
   Toofer:
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Was the Air Force like Top Gun?
   Carol:
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Yeah, but with a lot more volleyball.
   Frank:
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You ever kill anyone?
   Carol:
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Sucked a mechanic into my engine once.
   Lutz:
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Are you on Facebook?

Roomies?

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   Carol:
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And these are for you. Passenger left them in the first class lavatory.
   Liz:
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Ooooo!
   Carol:
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Hey I couldn't get a room in any of the Starwinds this weekend, you think it'd be all right if I stayed at your place?
   Liz:
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Uh.. Uh yeah, of course! I'll just have to run home first and take some plates out of the bathroom.
   Carol:
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But it would be nice, staying together at your place, right?
   Liz:
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Yeah! It'll be a fun.. step for us. I just can't believe that every Starwinds suite in the city is taken.
   Carol:
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Me neither. Lady said they're all booked up for something called "Jackfest."

Jackfest

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   Liz:
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How many rooms did you book?
   Jack:
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It's for your own good, Lemon, I just want you to have what Avery and I have.
   Liz:
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I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my life stuff mixing with my dude stuff.
   Jack:
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A middle aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my Sadness Scavenger Hunt? Why yes it is.
   Liz:
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Carol and I enjoy our seperate just intersecting lifestyles. It's perfect. I'm like that woman on the food network whose husband only comes home on the weekends and she spends the rest of her time eating and drinking with her gay friends.
   Jack:
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Her name is the Barefoot Contessa, Lemon, and you will never be like her, starting with the barefoot part/
   Liz:
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I'll have you know that I worse sandals this summer. Over socks. In a dream.

Kenneth the CBS Page

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   Kenneth:
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Welcome to the Late Show with David Letterman. Please have your tickets out. And now, as with all student audiences, we will sort you according to attractiveness. Front. Front. Back. Balcony. Front. Front. -- Mr. Jordan!
   Tracy:
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No! You do not exist! I am in control of this!

Roomies

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   Liz:
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Wanna watch tv?
   Carol:
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Stop, wait, no. The Barefoot Contessa. I love this show.
   Liz:
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Me too! This is one of the three things in the world I like: Ina Garten, sweater weather, and...
   Carol:
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...when Muppets present at awards shows?
   Liz:
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Wow! Yes!
   Carol:
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Me too!
   Liz:
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We really see eye to eye on a lot of stuff, don't we?
   Carol:
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Absolutely. I've never met anyone before who had the exact same idea as me about what to do with Palestine.
   Liz:
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It would work, right?
   Carol:
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Of course it would work.
   Liz:
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And don't you agree that our situation is perfect right now? We have these great visits together but then we still have our separate lives. We're like Geoffrey and Ina.
   Carol:
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[sobbing] No, no, I can't -- I can't live like this anymore! I'm not like Geoffrey Garten. I'm not as strong as that guy. I need to know where this relationship is going, and I can feel you resisting it.
   Liz:
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No! No! It okay! Don't be cry!
   Carol:
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[sobbing] I'm a.. I'm a pilot, Liz. You know, I spent my entire adult life just -- casual girlfriends in different cities. I- I- I- I can't go from woman to woman to woman anymore.
   Liz:
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How many women have you been with?
   Carol:
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No.. No.. I- I'd rather not say. It's shameful. And I'm a PILOT... six!
   Liz:
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Oh... that's not so great!
   Carol:
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I want grown up love! [cries in Liz's lap]

A Dish Best Served Cold

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   Jack:
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[phone rings, Jack answers] Hello?
   Liz:
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Thanks! Carol had a complete meltdown about the state of our relationship. I can't believe I tried to clean my bathtub for this!
   Jack:
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This is healthy, Lemon. Where is Carol now?
   Liz:
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I finally got him to sleep. I had to spoon him for like an hour and I was the OUTER spoon!
   Jack:
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Welcome to adulthood. As for me I have successfully retreated for another day. When Avery got home from work I noticed that she had some paint samples in her purse, so I immediately asked her if her sister had done anything crazy lately and guess what -- she had. Avery talked about that for an hour, her anger eventually transforming into some rather... interesting sex and now she's sleeping peacefully, while Fabius has retreated to his den where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood.
   Liz:
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Uh huh. Does Avery's work email go right to her phone?
   Jack:
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Why?
   Liz:
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Nothing. Just sending her a link to this cool site: funkyvintagewallpaper.com
   Jack:
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Oh Lemon don't! She keeps her Blackberry in bed with her!
   Liz:
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And.. send.
   Jack:
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Dammit, Lemon! It has to be Elk Tongue!

Pete Hearts Jenna

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   Pete:
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Oooooo! [hugs Liz]
   Liz:
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Uuccgghh!
   Pete:
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This Jenna promotion is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me! Do you know how much free time I have now? Yesterday I went to the gym! And this morning, I made love to my wife. And I she was still asleep so I didn't have to be gentle.
   Liz:
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That's one of the most upsetting things I have ever imagined!
   Pete:
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Are you sure? Think about it again.
   Liz:
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Yes!
   Jenna:
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Liz. The writers can't take a car service at night anymore. I've crunched the numbers and it's cheaper for us just [sic] replace anyone who gets murdered.

Jack's Plans His Feint

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   Liz:
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So. Did Avery like my wallpaper idea?
   Jack:
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She did.
   Liz:
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Heh.
   Jack:
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Heh heh.
   Liz:
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So why are you happy?
   Jack:
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Because the Fabian Strategy is working. Every new pattern Avery showed me, I would simply say "yes, I like that one too," and she was so overwhelmed with the choices that she made a mistake -- she suggested that we consult her old college friend who's an interior designer.
   Liz:
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Uh huh?
   Jack:
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He's coming here to meet with me today. His name is James. Not Jim. Not Jimmy. Jamesssss. [lisping]
   Liz:
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I get it.
   Jack:
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She's sending her army into unknown territory. And I am flanking her... with these. [points to his eyes] Have you seen my eyes, Lemon?
   Liz:
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Yep, they're very blue. Lke a Mykonos sky.
   Jack:
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Mark Foley once called them "piercing."
   Liz:
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Hmmm.
   Jack:
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Avery has really made a misstep here. Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? There's a term for it. I'm a Bear and I'm a Daddy. I'm a Daddy Bear. Just one hour with flirty chatting with James and you know what I'll get?
   Liz:
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Not a Glad Award, I know that.
   Jack:
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Elk Tongue.
   Liz:
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Well, I'm glad to hear that you've almost vanquished your girlfriend.
   Jack:
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Thank you. And you versus Carol? How's that going?
   Liz:
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Uh, I don't know. We had a pretty emotional breakfast.
   Liz:
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He says he's leaving early now. I don't know what to do.
   Jack:
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I know it's difficult, Lemon, but now you have an adult decision to make. Would you rather --
   Liz:
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Ugh...
   Jack:
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-- let go of your precious autonomy and let Carol into your life, OR would you rather teach your cat to dial 9-1-1?
   Liz:
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First of all, I'm tired of playing Would You Rather, and second of all, you know that I have Life Alert.
   Liz:
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Oh. I pushed it. I need a phone!

A Painful Reunion

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   Kenneth:
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Mr. Jordan! Mr. Jordan, please stop!
   Tracy:
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You're not real! If I threw you in front of a car it would drive right through you!
   Kenneth:
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No! No! Sir! I AM real! Would an imaginary me know that you have a mole on your... list of pets to get? Or that your favourite color is rainbow?
   Tracy:
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Of course it would! It would know anything I knew! Because it sprung from my imagination.
   Kenneth:
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Sir! It's really me! [Kenneth throws himself in front of a car, which hits him]
   Tracy:
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Oh no! I missed it! Do it again! [runs over to Kenneth] I love you, Kenwood! Why don't you come back home to TGS? And pick the peas out of my fried rice? And the rice. I just want carrots.
   Kenneth:
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I can't do that, sir.
   Tracy:
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Don't you miss rubbing my foot back into the shape of a foot?
   Kenneth:
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Of course I do. But I'm real happy here at CBS. They gave me a tote bag. With The Mentalist on it!
   Tracy:
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I guess this goodbye. Obviously I'm going to need the tote bag.

Jack's Feint

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   Jack:
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James. Tell me... which one of these do you like? Because with my untrained eyes, the strie is bland and the, uh... wallpaper just looks busy. Uff.. I don't know. Do you see something, uh.. here that you like? It's so frustrating.

Pete Loses

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   Jenna:
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I think I found a way to get the budget down to where Jack wants it.
   Pete:
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That's my girl! You are el fuego!
   Jenna:
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I was looking it over and I've realized something -- there's one too many producers, Pete.
   Pete:
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Okay. I get it. But please! I have five kids! That I don't want to be at home with.
   Jenna:
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No, Pete! It's me! As great as I am at this I'm not really necessary. Hmm.. the last time I said that I was in a three way with two of the Backstreet Boys.
   Pete:
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No, Jenna, you can't quit! I'll take a pay cut! We can fire Liz!
   Jenna:
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This is hard for me too, Pete, but it's because I'm a genius producer I know that you have to fire me. Take my producing fee, and amortize it to cover the gaps in transpo and electric.

The Pube Shirt

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   Frank:
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Hey Liz. Would you rather ---
   Liz:
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Och...
   Frank:
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-- be with the person you love forever, but you always have to wear a shirt made out of their pubes, or be alone for the rest of your life, but you get to wear whatever you want.
   Liz:
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Shirt of pubes [together with Carol]
   Carol:
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Shirt of pubes [together with Liz]
   Liz:
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I thought you left.
   Carol:
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I came back. Uhhh.. I mean I had to kick an obese teen off the flight to get a seat, but I- I really wanted to talk to you. Look, I'm not sorry you saw me cry -- I'm an emotional guy. That's actually not even a part of my personality, that's just something that happens to people that change altitude more than four times a day.
   Liz:
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Is that also why you got so mad when you were watching the Giants game?
   Carol:
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No. That was because why does Geico have three different spokespeople? They have the caveman, the lizard, and then the stack of money with the eyeballs.
   Liz:
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And the fake Rod Serling guy!
   Carol:
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Oh my God! Right, thank you. I mean, do you see how good we are together? Look, Liz, I- I want this, but if we're going to go for it we gotta move forward a bit with each visit.
   P.A.:
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[Two minutes to air. Cast, please set yourself.]
   Liz:
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Look, you have to get back to the airport, I have a show -- how do we move this forward in the time allotted?
   Carol:
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All right, let's each say one thing about ourselves that the other person doesn't know on the count of three. All right? Ready? One... two... three.
   Carol:
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Touched by a priest -- it's fine. [simultaneously with Liz]
   Liz:
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I'm on a waiting list to adopt a kid.
   Liz:
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Wait, what? [Together with Carol]
   Carol:
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Wait, what? [Together with Liz]
   Liz:
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O- okay. That was a step!
   Carol:
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Yeah. [Liz & Carol high five]
   Liz:
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See you October fourteenth!

Hannibal Outflanks Fabian

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   P.A.:
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[Cast for "Would You Rather", set yourselves please.]
   Jack:
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I never thought you'd make it this far, Lemon.
   Liz:
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I know. Season Five, we were supposed to get cancelled...
   Jack:
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Not just the show. I mean you. You're in an "adult dude" situation. You're wearing a beautiful blazer from Rico's Husky Boy collection.
   Liz:
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Is that what Raggazi Robusti means?
   Jack:
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I'm just saying I'm happy for you.
   Liz:
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Thank you, Jack. And I'm glad that you're getting to keep your wall Elk Tongue.
   Jack:
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Actually, no. The fabulous James and I came up with an excellent idea. We're taking that wall down. That way we can make the master bedroom closet bigger and gain a nice architectural symmetry.
   Liz:
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Hmmm. You think maybe that's what Avery wanted all along?
   Jack:
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Oh my God! Hannibal defeated Fabian with a decoy army -- James was a plant! The strie wall finish was a decoy -- she Hanniballed my Fabian! Lemon! Avery and I are perfect together, like whiskey and hunting. Soul mate doesn't even begin to do it justice. She's my...
   Liz:
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She's your pube shirt.
   Jack:
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Pube shirt....

Goodnight, Kenneth

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   Jenna:
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That's our show! Good night! [on tv, being watched by Kenneth]
   Kenneth:
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Good night, Miss Maroney. Good night, Mr. Jordan. Good night, TGS band with your funny smelling dressing room. Good night, bear. Good night, Moon... Song Park, from accounting. Good night, Miss Lemon. Good night, Mr. Doneghy. I lied to Mr. Jordan. I miss you all so much.
   Kenneth:
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Sir? Is it really you? [talking to Tracy hallucination]
   Tracy:
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Sure is. Wanna go kiss in the prop cage?
   Kenneth:
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What?! No!