Dance Like Nobodys Watching | Episode Transcript | 30 Rock Quotes | 30Rock

How Your Holidays Were


	Guy:	[singing] And the home of the brave!
	D'Fwan:	Jason, I really like your look. You got it popping tonight.
	John McEnroe:	I totally disagree because I love your look! You're a star. Believe in your dreams! Thank you!
	Jenna:	Jason, have you ever put out a cigar on Gilbert Gottfried's neck? Because I have, and his screams were the worst thing I'd ever heard ... until tonight. Congratulations, you're a disgrace.
	Liz:	Shoobie doobie, shoobie doobie doobie, shoobie doobie doo-Wah! Roll my ankle. God!
	Jenna:	Also, Jason, if you think you're passing for straight, you're embarrassing yourself.
	Jack:	Seventeen million people watched that show last night.
	Liz:	Not me! I've got better things to do than watch Jenna humiliate children.
	Jack:	So you don't care that Shayla made it to the next round?
	Liz:	How?! She is so pitch-y!
	Jack:	What can I tell you? The audience just loves Shayla's personal story. Did you know that both her mothers are serial killers? That's America.
	Liz:	Shoobie doobie, shoobie doobie doobie. So did you miss me over the break?
	Jack:	Of course! A little less than my kidnapped wife but I did get a nice Christmas card from ... Avery and ... Kim Jong-un. But at least I had some quality time with Liddy. She's like a little human tumbler of scotch.
	Liz:	You turning soft on me Donaghy? If you want, I can recommend a good gynecologist. You know, because I really like my guy, he's sort of a Doogie Howser-type, but younger. Aren't you going to ask me how my--?
	Jack:	No. I know exactly how your holidays were. You took the train to your parents' house. On Christmas Eve, you forgot that eggnog has alcohol in it, and got into a shoving match with your aunt about who puts the star on top of the tree.
	Liz:	It was my year! What, Lupus lets you just cuts the line?
	Jack:	You received two sweaters that you really didn't like, and got your dad a book on World War II that he already owned--
	Liz:	Wow. You really think you know everything about me, don't you?
	Jack:	Yes, after six years, I really do.
	Liz:	Well I will have you know that there are aspect of my life about which you know nothing.
	Jack:	Uh, take off that jacket. If you're not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters out of guilt, I'll give you $1000.
	Liz:	Wrong, Jack, because they weren't sweaters--they were dickeys! Happy 2012!

Reverend Gary Did The Math


	Kenneth:	Good morning Mr. Rossitano. I'm sorry you're going to Hell.
	Frank:	Eh, it's ok. How was your break?
	Kenneth:	Wonderful! Reverend Gary did the math and guess what? The world is ending tomorrow!
	Liz:	And you're happy about that?
	Kenneth:	Oh, of course! I get to go to Heaven and receive my reward: 72 virgin margaritas--hold the salt! Oh! I'm sorry I won't be seeing you in Heaven Mr. Spurlock, but, on the bright side, Black Hell does have a jukebox.
	Pete:	So you think this is your last day on Earth?
	Kenneth:	Oh, I'll leave the "thinking" to other religions.
	Liz:	Well, you must have things you want to do before you die.
	Kenneth:	Is the sky blue? Until tomorrow when it will be on fire.
	Liz:	Then you should go and do them! I came across the following quote on the side of a tampon box this Christmas: "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. Enjoy these Satchel Page Brand tampons."
	Kenneth:	You know what Ms. Lemon, I will do that. Thank you!
	Pete:	You're just giving him the day off? That's ... awfully nice.
	Liz:	I'm a nice person because I'm a happy person; my happiness makes me nice. Also, maybe I'm in a good mood because I'm not being weighed down by redundant torso fabric.
	Pete:	What does that mean?
	Liz:	Wouldn't you like to know?

Talent Walking


	Jenna:	Amazing news, Liz. I made the 'People' magazine crossword! One Across, five letters, Jenna Maroney's first name.
	Liz:	Wow! Congratulations!
	Jenna:	Because of 'America's Kidz Got Singing' I am blowing up. When you google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first, not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
	Liz:	Jenna, that was you.
	Jenna:	Anyway, I'll be back for rehearsal after I tape the show. Talent walking!
	Tracy:	This has nothing to do with Jenna's success that I'm jealous of, but if that yellow hair bag of teeth keeps me waiting for rehearsal, I will set my dressing room on fire!
	Liz:	Ok, first of all Tracy, you know you're the real star ... huh. You know what, I'm not doing this.
	Tracy:	But I'm acting out!
	Liz:	Right! And I know it will all blow over eventually, so I'm just going to skip the exhausting middle part.
	Tracy:	But you're supposed to control me! You're Liz Lemon. That's what you do!
	Liz:	You're a 42-year-old man.
	Tracy:	No I'm not. I took a Real Age Test that said I'm dead.

A Real Cash Cow


	Liz:	Hey, I was just going to call you.
	Jack:	You want to watch today's 'Kidz' taping? We're kicking off Public Domain week. This week, America's kids sing really old songs that everyone knows and NBC doesn't have to pay for. It's brilliant.
	Liz:	Wow. More money.
	Jack:	This thing's a real cash cow, unlike 'Cash Cow', the failed NBC spin-off of 'Cash Cab'. You try riding a cow through mid-town Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.
	Liz:	Right. Anyway, I was just going to call you because I'm wondering why I received an email confirming my membership in a dating serivce called Desperationships.com.
	Jack:	Because after six years I know you're depressed after spending the holidays alone.
	Liz:	I'm not depressed, Jack, and I don't need some dumb dating website.
	Jack:	What if I told you that your first match burned his groin off in an accident at his cake show?
	Liz:	Gasp No. Not interested.
	P.A.:	Five minutes. Cast and crew, five minutes to taping. Five minutes to tape, everyone.
	Jack:	Show's getting started, I better get in there. I'll see you soon.

About to Get Raw


	Man:	Die you blond bitch!
	Jenna:	Thank you!
	Woman:	[singing] Turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay Turkey in the straw, turkey in the hay Roll 'em up and twist 'em up A high tuck a-haw And hit 'em with a tune called 'Turkey in the--
	Jack:	Is that your daughter? She's adorable.
	Man:	Yes, she's my angel. Her name's Liddy.
	Jack:	Huh, ha, that's odd because my daughter's name--
	Jenna:	I'm going to interrupt you right there Liddy. Terrible song selection--you were sharp. And I'm about to get raw with you: you're weird-looking Liddy. Even if you could sing, with that face, it would be like eating a steak that just came out of a dumpster.
	D'Fwan:	I've done that.
	Jenna:	Here's my advice, Liddy: go work on your presentation; take voice lessons; then seal yourself in a barrel and fall off a waterfall.
	Jack:	You leave Liddy alone!
	Jenna:	I need it quiet to record my catchphrase. Sebastian, I'm going to give you a few options.
	Director:	Love it Jenna, go!
	Man:	Is this your show?
	Jenna:	Liddy, go jump back up your mother! Liddy, go jump back up your mother! Go jump back up your mother, Liddy. Yeah I like the third one for me and her crying on the second one.
	Director:	I love it! Brilliant Jenna!

Dream Chores


	Kenneth:	Hello Mr. Hornberger!
	Pete:	Kenneth, what are you doing?
	Kenneth:	Sir, this Chiquita banana sticker had been stuck to that ceiling for years so I finally scraped it off!
	Pete:	No, Liz said you can do whatever you want today!
	Kenneth:	I know! Isn't it great? I'm finally doing my dream chores.
	Pete:	Give me that. reads list Scrap sticker off ceiling; fix that humming noise only I can hear; organize snack table by food Jewish-ness. Kenneth, this stuff isn't even your job.
	Kenneth:	That's why they're dream chores.
	Pete:	Look, if it was my last day on Earth, I wouldn't be here, I'd be with Paula, admitting I'm in love with her twin sister.
	Toofer:	Kenneth, we were just out on the Plaza and four flaming horses rode by!
	Kenneth:	Reverend Gary says super-gay horses are one of the signs of the Apocalypse!
	Frank:	Exactly! The end is nigh. You should raise your hopes up even higher than they are now!
	Kenneth:	I will! ... I did!

A Tracy Problem


	Tracy:	We have a problem, Liz Lemon. I just remembered I started a camp for underprivileged kids last summer. We have to drive upstate to see if any of them are still alive.
	Liz:	That sounds like a Tracy problem, Tracy.
	Tracy:	Ok how about this? I'm changing my name. From now on, everyone has to address me as "The Gentleman Formerly Known as Rectum".
	Liz:	Ah heh heh!
	Tracy:	Pay attention to me LL or else I'm going to do something self-destructive. For example, I just got an honorary sheriff's badge and I'm going to start making real arrests.
	Liz:	Great!
	Tracy:	I just realized I haven't paid taxes in thirty years!
	Liz:	Oh, we're not doing the pre-tape tonight because I'm leaving at 6.
	Tracy:	What's going on with you? Why are you acting so weird?
	Liz:	I don't know what you're talking about.
	Tracy:	You're not doing your job, you're laughing at rectum jokes, you're leaving early; did we switch brains? Why am I not feeling your boobs?
	Liz:	[grabs her own boobs] Wah!
	Tracy:	What is happening?!

They Love to Hate Me


	Jack:	Jenna. We need to talk about 'Kidz'.
	Jenna:	Did you see last night's ratings? The only show I've ever been on that got a 10-2 was when Mickey Rourke threw me under the field during the Superbowl.
	Jack:	Obviously, I'm thrilled about the show's success, but I wanted to talk to you about your ... on-screen persona.
	Jenna:	I had an idea. Two words: B.B. gun.
	Jack:	Actually I think the "mean" thing may have run its course. What if you went the other way and you were nice to the kids?
	Jenna:	Well no! ... I mean, being the nice one is McEnroe's thing.
	Jack:	Ah yes, well we've done some, uh, focus testing and, frankly, I haven't seen such a unanimously negative response since the 'Fraiser' spinoff 'Hey Roz'. Jenna, they hate you.
	Jenna:	No, Jack. They love to hate me. 'Kidz' is minting money for both of us. And what's more important than money?
	Jack:	Well perhaps we can make even more money by pretending to be nice--I mean, look at Betty White. End of discussion. Just ease off on the kids.
	Jenna:	Look, according to Tracy, people are switching minds around here; that's obviously what's happened. So, whoever you are, show me Jack's penis.
	Jack:	[hands her report] That's for you.

What Are You On?


	Liz:	[looks at an almost-empty bag of pills] Damn, I've got to get more of these. [Kenneth comes into the room in a clown wig] Hahaha! I don't know why this is, but I like it!
	Kenneth:	Ha! Finally! After six years, I've cheered up Ms. Lemon.
	Liz:	That was on your list? I'm not always in a bad mood, and I happen to be in a really good place right now!
	Kenneth:	Well, enjoy it while you can because, tomorrow, you're going to women's hell! Also, FYI, women's hell is the same as aroused dog heaven.
	Pete:	Kenneth, why are you still here? This is your last day on Earth. There's so much you haven't done!
	Kenneth:	Oh sir, I've done plenty.
	Pete:	Oh really? Have you ever been in love?
	Kenneth:	Only while playing tennis. I'm kidding, I've never played tennis.
	Pete:	You ever been in an airplane?
	Kenneth:	Well does falling off a bridge in a horse cart count?
	Pete:	Have you ever stood on a beach and watched the sunrise?
	Kenneth:	Sir, I've never even seen the ocean!
	Liz:	Never? Kenneth, that's insane! We were all put on this crazy blue marble for a reason, to love and live--
	Pete:	What is going on with you? Everyone's talking about how weird you're acting. What are you on?
	Kenneth:	You know what, I have seen the ocean on a can of tuna.
	Pete:	Newsflash Kenneth!
	Kenneth:	Everybody get down!
	Pete:	It's not going to happen. The world's not ending.
	Kenneth:	Oh the Rapture is happening sir. Mr. Rossitano said he saw the snakes making peace with the mice.
	Pete:	You're like a child! He's messing with you! And you know what, in the words of my father, "You deserve to be disappointed. Merry Christmas."
	Liz:	[Kenneth makes a fart sound with his hands] Hahahahaha!

Great Advice


	Tracy:	Can I talk to you, Jennifer?
	Jenna:	Tracy, how do nice people dress?
	Tracy:	Socks on their hands, no belt, roller skates. Do you think Liz Lemon has been acting weird lately? She's hiding something from us.
	Jenna:	Like what? A present for me? Can I return it for cash?
	Tracy:	No, this is bigger than that! Something like a sex change operation; or a secret pregnancy; or a radioactive spider bite. I've got to get her focus back on me or who knows the dumb stuff I'm going to start doing.
	Jenna:	Is that why you're not wearing pants right now?
	Tracy:	Yes! I'm actually glad this happened. You're proving my point!
	Jenna:	Look, if you think something's going on with Liz, just follow her, steal her mail, go through her trash. That's what Paul and I do to maintain intimacy when he's having his period.
	Tracy:	Thanks J-Mo. Great advice!

Messing with Perfection


	Guy:	[singing] Yes I know the muffin man, He lives on Drury lane.
	John McEnroe:	Breathtaking! You're the wind beneath my wings.
	Jenna:	Brock. I ... like ... what you did. That was good singing. You ... don't ... have a little rat face, you opposite of a turd with eyes.
	D'Fwan:	Why are you messing with perfection, Jack? You need to remember that reality television is formulaic before you get us cancelled, because I will not go back to putting hair extensions on dogs!
	John McEnroe:	Easy, D'Fwan. Yeah, we have a problem, but we're going to get through it because we're family!
	Jenna:	It's not working! You're ruining the show!
	Jack:	You think I don't know that it's not working, Jenna? Next week Jay-Z was going to do a duet with one of the spinning chairs from 'The Voice' and the chair just pulled out! You're off the leash, Jenna.
	John McEnroe:	Did you see what happened here? We turned an argument into an opportunity to become better friends!

A Sign of the Apocalypse


	Kenneth:	I'll see you in Heaven, Mr. Jordan.
	Tracy:	Ken, I only have room in my brain for one problem, so I'm not really absorbing what you're saying. I have to go through Liz Lemon's trash before she gets in.
	Kenneth:	You're at work before Ms. Lemon? Now that's a sign of the Apocalypse! Hahahaha.
	Tracy:	Hahahaha.
	Kenneth:	Time to die!

Right?


	Jenna:	You know what Emma? That was pretty good. You were trying to get me to commit suicide, right?
	Crowd:	Boo!

I Want Mommy


	Jack:	Liddy, thank you for coming in. I know you have to read your books with Sleepy Bear in half an hour so I'll make this brief. You're almost one now, and you have to understand the way the world works. Now, I don't know if you've seen 'America's Kidz Got Singing' but it's a hit! 'Variety' called it "boffo" and they don't throw that word around lightly. However, there are large portions of the show that feature Jenna insulting children not much older than yourself. I know what you're thinking, "Do you really care about the bottom line more than the feelings of helpless innocence? That's cruel." Well guess what Liddy: life is cruel. Sometimes, in business, there's collateral damage and if you think I'm going to turn my back on a 10-2, 4-2 in the demo just because I feel bad ... just because those kids had the same scared look on their faces that you have when that dog got too close to your stroller in the park; and yes, being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body and I don't want you to know that the world is really a scary, disappointing place, you shouldn't have to know that, not yet! Oh god! I have to cancel the show! [reaches for the phone] What are you doing Liddy? Are you touching my hand because ... you're a baby and you're developing your fine motor skills, or are you trying to tell me something? What are you trying to tell me?
	Liddy:	Mommy.
	Jack:	Did you say "money"? Is that your first word? "Money"?
	Liddy:	Mommy.
	Jack:	Yes, "money"! Are you telling me that money's more important than doing what's right, and that I should keep on doing that show?
	Liddy:	I want Mommy.
	Jack:	I want money too! Oh thank you Liddy! Thank you for convincing me to do the right thing! Oh!

Everybody in the Van!


	Reverend Gary :	And think how disappointed I am! I mean, I'm the--I'm the one that had to nude-baptise all those teens.
	Pete:	Hey buddy.
	Kenneth:	Are you here to make fun of me, sir? Well go ahead; make fun of the super handsome guy who believed too much.
	Pete:	I don't want to make fun of you. I know you're disappointed. I just wish I had a magic wand to make it all--
	Lutz:	Ugggh! Kenneth, it's all real! The beast is here!
	Kenneth:	[attacks Lutz] Redire ad abyssum! Princeps tenebrarum!
	Lutz:	[screams] Ah! It's me: Lutz!
	Pete:	Wait, wait, wait, wait, stop! Toofer, Frank, get out here. You three are in a time out. Everybody in the van!

The Only Explanation


	Tracy:	Liz Lemon is a crack whore!
	Jack:	Probably not, but continue.
	Tracy:	It's the only explanation! She was on a ho stroll to pay for her drug habit. I followed her last night, JD. She went down to Penn Station and not the fun stationary store on the Upper East Side, the skeezy one with trains.
	Jack:	Well, there has to be some other explanation. Are you sure it was Liz Lemon and not present-day Sally Field?
	Tracy:	I know it's crazy but ever since we got back from Kwanzaa, she's been acting all weird; all relaxed and not angry.
	Jack:	Well, it has been two days and she hasn't once stormed in here, carping about how all the destructive hurricanes get female names. But it can't be drugs.
	Tracy:	Then how come I found this in her trash?
	Jack:	Oh Tracy this is Dexaprex! My mother takes it for joint pain. Her wrist was starting to bother her from slapping busboys.
	Tracy:	So it's not the bandito blanco, a name for cocaine I just made up?
	Jack:	I know Liz Lemon better than she knows herself. Why would she need joint pain medication, and why would she be meeting people down by-- ... Tracy, what building is right next to Penn Station?
	Tracy:	The Manhattan Center for Penis Enlargement? I know because my friend goes there. His name is Tracy.
	Jack:	Madison Square Garden. Did you know that Lemon attended college on a partial jazz dance scholarship? And do you know what event was held last night at Madison Square Garden?
	Tracy:	A crack whore convention?
	Jack:	No. Worse.

So Much Grapevining


	P.A.:	Every person dance soon!
	Announcer:	Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WNBA's most popular dance team: The Timeless Torches!
	P.A.:	Every person dance soon!
	Tracy:	Oh God! So much grapevining!

So Beautiful


	Kenneth:	It's so beautiful! A mermaid!
	Frank:	Dude, those are diapers.

You Know Me


	Jack:	So that's why you've been so happy and distracted lately. The joy of movement, of exercise, ten percent off arena snacks with your Torch card. And who figured the whole thing out?
	Liz:	The man who knows me better than I know myself. [to the driver] Pull over here, please. [to Jack] This is me.
	Jack:	Ah, going to the movies. Let me guess, you're going--alone--to the 9:10 showing of Garry Marshall's 'New Year's Eve'. You've waited five weeks to see it to make sure that you wouldn't contribute to it being the number one movie in America. You'll say you're seeing it ironically and yet you'll tear up when Ashton Kutcher kisses Lea Michele.
	Liz:	You know me, I love it when the swarthy girl gets the guy.
	Woman:	[singing] The Camptown ladies sing this song, Doo-da, Doo-da The Camptown racetrack's five miles long Oh, doo-da day Gonna run all night Gonna run all day I bet my money on a bob-tailed nag Somebody bet on the bay Somebody, somebody (Somebody) Somebody bet on the bay
	Jenna:	A disgusting disappointment!

Credits


	Man:	My name is Bob. I'm sixty-one years old. My favourite move is 'the shoulder shake'.
	Woman:	My name is Joyce. I'm sixty-three years young. My favourite move is 'the dougie'.
	Liz:	I'm Liz. I'm thirty-nine for the third time, and my favourite move is 'sunset arms'.
	Man:	Hi, I'm Lewis. I'm a grandfather from the Dominican Republic and my favourite move is 'the lift'.
	Liz:	[tries to lift Lewis but can't] Sorry Lewis!
	Man:	Nice try Liz.
	Crowd:	Dance like nobody's watching!

Dance Like Nobody's Watching [ Season 6 | Episode: 1 ]