Top / Best 100 30 Rock Quotes

Click on a character to see their top best quotes!
Select To See Other Character's Top Quotes:  
Share Position Name Quote
1 Tracy I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI!
2 Frank He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts cause' he doesn't have any.
3 Jack You've come a long way, haven't you, Kenneth Ellen, with your cheap loafers and your page jacket? But You’ll always be a pig farmer's son, boy, cause I smell fried baloney all over you.
4 Tracy So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".
5 Tracy I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!
6 Tracy Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
7 Tracy Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane full of snow dreams. a stocking full of smiles. It's a Jordan Christmas!
8 Dennis You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?
9 Dennis Oh, yeah, for now. But the beeper's gonna be making a comeback. Technology's cyclical.
10 Liz Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People’s Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
11 Liz You want me to think of something funny you can write in a card?
12 Jack That's what your mom said to me last night! Booyah!
13 Jenna Oh I'm sorry, when I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
14 Liz Austria.
15 Jenna Yeah, that's what I said.
16 Liz Wow. Who's Snow White now?
17 Jack Yes of course. Uh, This is my live-in girlfriend, Lemon.
18 Liz It was part of the big brother little sister program.
19 Jack Beyonce.
20 Liz And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.
21 Jack The look on Bianca's face just before she choked you. That was the most satisfying thing.
22 Tracy I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?
23 Liz You can stay. But if you ever, if any of you ever call me that horrible word again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again, because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I'm so tired. I'm so tired, you guys.
24 Dennis Let me tell you about 20 year olds, my friend. Half of them are 16. You want some advice? It's hard for alpha males like you and me to put our egos aside, but if she's worth it, you make it work. It’s like my cousin Teddy’s dog. Sometimes he just doesn’t want to lick my feet. So what I do is, I hide my feet from him for a couple of days. And then when he sees them, he goes bananas. So, Jack, in this example, Liz is the dog, and I am my feet. You see what I’m saying?
25 Jack You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug. So when are you going to Cleveland?
26 Tracy The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I'll be executed.
27 Jack The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
28 Jack And so do I. If you just give me a chance instead of ambushing me in front of the Congress and my own employees! You think I don't take diversity seriously? Only a fool doesn't. Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes. We always need people who are pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I did it. And it's my job to help others do it, too.
29 Liz I will KILL YOU!
30 Dr. Spaceman Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
31 Dr. Spaceman Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.
32 Jack Oh, you can't do that. The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day for every purchase.
33 Liz Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin. Before Jasmine is forced marry Jafar! [laughs] Similarities... Lemon out!
34 Jack That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.
35 Jack No. She's more than that. I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time. The intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face. The humility to accept my help. And finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acryonym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it.
36 Avery It's been four years, Jack. Maybe it's time for Liz to graduate. Maybe it's time for you to carry this baby. Maybe you and LIZ can raise it. Oh no. Crazy hormone swing! WHY DOES EVERYTHING SMELL LIKE ONIONS?! [screams and throws everything off table]
37 Liz Oh. Okay. Great! Fine. I'll solve my own problems. [tries to open door] [finally gets it] Blammo. Solved it.
38 Avery What do you want, Liz?
39 Liz [gasps] Albino ninja!
40 Jack I'm Trisha's boyfriend, you scumbag. She told me what happened with youze last night. Now I'm gonna come and find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're going to be throwing up my toenails.
41 Jack How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's gonna SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm not going to investigate it.
42 Liz Jacqueline? Like named after you, like a little Jack but with boobs?
43 Liz [glasses crooked] Hi! I'm Daphne Donaghy! I saw a turtle!
44 Jack Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
45 Jack Letting morality get in the way of making money. I might as well go and... [whispers] be a teacher.
46 Jack A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.
47 Liz So I'm gonna to marry... Yafet. And we're going to live in... Nineva. And I'm going to be a.... prostitute. Okay, what else? What else?
48 Liz You know there isn't.
49 Tracy I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
50 Tracy Don't even get me started on marriage. [silence] Thank you.
51 Jack Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
52 Jack N.B.C. It's fresh.
53 Tracy This better be ''meetment''. I'm importing.
54 Liz No, it's okay. I don't want to hurt you. But I'll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old. And that's what I want.
55 Tracy Splock... Short for ''Black Spock''.
56 Pete Threefer, because you're also gay.
57 Liz Tracy, I need you to do something.
58 Liz Stop it. Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered. So quit whining and be grateful.
59 Liz Yeah. Some dude jacked me and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.
60 Hank Hooper Oh, speaking of new experiences, I ate at an Indian restaurant last night. I had naan!
61 Liz Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws.
62 Jack Good God! She'll be Canadian.
63 Jack Avery, maybe it isn't the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies, and he went on to-
64 Jack Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby. We tried to get back home, Lemon, in a meth lab. Avery and I fed each other's craziness, but one of us was brave enough to step back-
65 Liz But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? That seems like a pretty big conflict of interest. Why would the government even allow that merger?
66 Jenna Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills. They contain a little bit of meth. Which is something my body needs anyway! Listen, I'm not going to let you wallow like this. I am taking you out so you can rebound. Sexually.
67 Jack I've got to look camera ready tonight. I'm being interviewed on C.N.B.C. Have you ever watched The Hot Box with Avery Jessup?
68 Liz No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from P.B.S.
69 Lutz She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?
70 Avery We'll be right back after this ad aimed at the elderly.
71 Avery Oh, no, The Peace Corp. Lawrence Peace's corporation. We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.
72 Frank All right. But if doing this restores my sex drive, the plus-sized ladies in the mail room have you to blame.
73 Kenneth Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.
74 Toofer You know, I went to college in Boston. Well, not in Boston, but nearby. No, not Tufts.
75 Jenna Wonderful news, non-famouses! My publicist just called from rehab - I made the Internet.
76 Liz That is an ironic re-appropriation. Kch. I don't know anymore. This started as a show for women, starring women. At the very least we should be elevating the way women are perceived in society. Augh my period! You're all fired! [falls to the floor]
77 Liz I want to roll my eyes right now but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
78 Liz Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game. Whoo!
79 Toofer But my biggest problem with Quidditch is if the snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the quaffle?
80 Jack It's a younger man's game, Lemon. But I can't say that I don't miss it. You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there. ''Oh, Mr. Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.'' Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke. A touch on the arm. And you'd take your reward. You'd take your reward.
81 Tracy Yeah, they're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
82 Devon Banks (Flashback) Oh, my God, Malia. He did not say that. Let's text him now.
83 Liz Yeah, well, that's not going to work for me. Because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
84 Kenneth [subtitle: Kenneth, Elderly Page] Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.
85 Liz Let me talk. I am talking! Will you let me talk? Can I talk for once? You need to call Tracy right now, because I know he's your man but he is my man, too, and TGS is my family, and my family is thick as thieves. [dumps over a table] Now who here wants to teach me how to fight?
86 Liz You wanna party? It's five hundred for kissing, ten thousands for snuggling. End of list.
87 Kenneth Uh, Fort Myers and Cincinnati. Did you not learn your nation's airport codes in high school?
88 Tracy Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.
89 Liz ♪ I'm a star I'm on top Somebody bring me some ham ♪
90 Jenna Thank you. But you don't know what it looks like. Because of the door!
91 Pete Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.
92 Tracy Liz Lemon, recently, I realized that I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.
93 Liz Maybe we could ''undid'' these handcuffs.
94 Liz No, come back. Aw...
95 Liz No, nevermind. Lutz, you want it?
96 Frank Awesome. A cool person in charge for once. My first act as leader? I'm telling them to take down the internet firewall. We can surf porn again.
97 Lutz Hey, we're all going to Chuck E. Cheese's. It's divorced, Hispanic mom night.
98 Liz It's all happening! Hi.
99 Jenna Okay, don't try to move the body yourself.
100 Jack No, It's Liz. I need Dealbreakers to work. And yesterday, I told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses.
101 Jenna Oh, no, why did you do that? Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on ''ca-mer-rah''. You're vulnerable. You're exposed. You're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.
102 Jenna Not anymore. You've created two Lizzes. Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You've got to lie to her. Coddle her. Protect her from the real world.
103 Frank What? Shut up. You've just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches. And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me even though the guy could see me running.
104 Frank You know what? I don't have to explain myself. You dummies have no idea what it's like to be in charge. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office, trying to have it all. What is happening to me?
105 Pete Okay, here we go. One more, this is the one. And action! Great and smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof! Yeah, you can ''Whoo!'' You can do it. Good! Oh, my God. Break it down, break it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. Wave like a human being. You remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And, uh... a little cleavage. Nope. And just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?
106 Jack This is great. You look really relaxed. I'd watch this show.
107 Liz I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say. But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out.
108 Liz Don't even bother! I've been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can't outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It's like that movie, The Negotiator.
109 Liz I don't want to do this show anymore. Shut it down.
110 Liz Then I guess it's a standoff. And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!
111 Jenna Of course not. I'm not wearing my outfit.
112 Jack Now I understand Performer Liz is freaking out. So I need Regular Liz's help.
113 Jack Lemon, I need Regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch, Performer Liz, to get out on stage and give me something I can try to make money off of. Please.
114 Liz Hey, buddy. Your hair looks nice. Don't try those tricks on me!
115 Liz Okay, I know that it's been a hard day. I could have had it all. But you had to ruin it! With your thinking! Come on.
116 Liz ♪ You're a star You're on top Somebody bring you some ham ♪
117 Liz You should kill yourself.
118 Jack Lemon, what have we done to you? It's okay. Go home and get some rest. I'll take the hit.
119 Jack Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
120 Jenna Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking. As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby dolls I was selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico. And that's caused some problems.
121 Liz Wow. This could not have gone any better.
122 Jack I'm an eleven, but continue.
123 Liz We had him, Jack, and we lost him. So Kenneth and I had to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun and shot a blimp.
124 Jack Did you make sure that Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
125 Liz Yes. There was some confusion and I ended up punching the real Levar Burton. I'm going to get Jeremy. I hope he's not still in heat. He has got my top off before.
126 Kenneth Hello! I'm a baby!
127 Tracy As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
128 Tracy No! It's un-brave! You should hate me!
129 Liz Tracy just come back, do the show tonight, and we'll figure all this out.
130 Dennis Hold on a second. You think I'm just going to give up now, huh? I'm a Duffy, Liz. And us Duffy's, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn't give up when America sent us back, and we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right? C'mon, it's not over Liz.
131 Tracy But I wasn't even supposed to say that! The line was "Sherinne, I hope Dr. Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy," but I couldn't get it right so they told me to improv!
132 Pete Well a very very heavy, uh, heavy, de-pertation tonight. We had a very ders... derrisson? by... Let's go ahead and tear a station, let's gud the bip the hebun bip.
133 Jack Do TV and no one will ever take you seriously again. It doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you had the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You could win ever award in sight. Be the biggest thing on the small screen and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear. Tracy, your career hit rock bottom the first time you decided to do TGS. You want it to hit rock bottom again? Go on network television.
134 Liz All right, Cheesy Blasters! ♪ You take a hot dog. Stuff it with some jack cheese. Fold it in a pizza. You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, ''Thanks, Meat Cat!'' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.
135 Tracy I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.
136 Jack Uh, we'll start with ''going country''. To T.G.S. we'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
137 Kenneth Sir, I have a problem with my time card.
138 Kenneth Oh, It's not the money, sir. It's just that I always work more than 16 hours, so I would be signing my name to a lie. The Parcell name is synonymous with honesty. As the Hill People say, ''Parcell gaw say del go up de saw say.''
139 Jack we've all had to make sacrifices, Kenneth. I had to downsize the Payroll Department to one guy and an envelope stuffing machine.
140 Tracy Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you? Hey, Rolly. You ever lose your remote control?
141 Tracy And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
142 Liz The worst. I'm lying to everybody about something I don't even want to be doing. Pete and I keep accidentally touching knees under those little comedy club tables. what is a new cast member? Shut up, shut up, here it comes.
143 Liz Has anybody seen my wallet? It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1 970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite. Damn it to hell! I hate my life!
144 Tracy It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, ''Nobody'', and his wife, ''Susan walters-Hyphen-Nobody''. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back. what's that sound? Bucket drummers!
145 Pete well, do it now, while she's drunk on attention. Or in an hour, when she's just drunk.
146 Pete In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States. well, where are your solutions, Liz Lemon? You know, this whole thing is your fault.
147 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America, Got some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. So put down your meth and slip on your whites, 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night. It's tennis night when the sun goes down. Take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way. well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round, the way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Serve it up and smash it the American way. Slawomir Mleczko versus Kryzsztof Mlynarkiewicz. ...Are ready to play. In the Barnett Cup Semifinal. In the what? Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight. So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night. Hee-haw! It's tennis night when the sun goes down, take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way, well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round. The way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Just give a country gal some tennis. Don't give a damn it's not from Yankee Stadium. Better tie up your dogs, better go call the cops. Game, set, match. Lord it never stops! Hee-Haw! ♪
148 Jack Now, remind me. Did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion, or did you also debut internationally?
149 Liz I'm happy to say that I don't even get that.
150 Jack How was your trip?
151 Jack Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing...
152 Liz Jack, just say ''Jewish''. This is taking forever.
153 Jack Stop trying to amuse yourself and start thinking about what makes actual human beings laugh.
154 Tracy Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween or Princeton Parents' Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
155 Frank The Rule of Threes. Celebrities always die in groups of three. You'd better be careful, Tray.
156 Liz And who am I to say that my delicious Italian sub is better than its Stone Mountain equivalent? Which is why I will have the carp po' boy with extra chuckle.
157 Jack I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
158 Frank God, it's bad enough having Jenna hang out here. Now she's bringing her friends? How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?
159 Jenna No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
160 Jenna Oh, my God. They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.
161 Jenna I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
162 Liz All God's children are terrible.
163 Tracy Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom. You know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play.
164 Kenneth Vampyr!
165 Pete What do you mean, Dotcom is auditioning? How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?
166 Jenna I'm going to walk up to him and say the four most vicious words you can say to a person you've already met. ''Nice to meet you.''
167 Jack I'd never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
168 Dr. Spaceman There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates so it's tricky. All right, here's a prescription for your cold sores and here's a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren't you wearing pants?
169 Dr. Spaceman Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?
170 Liz Well, I'm off. Have a good summer, Jenna.
171 Kenneth When someone needs help you don't waste time feeling sorry for them. We help them. And you seem like you could use a home-cooked meal.
172 Tracy If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
173 Kenneth Well I have to work. Now that the crew is gone I like to give everything a good spring cleaning, starting in the bathroom. There's a lot of drawings of Miss Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.
174 Paul Okay. I'll change. I'll cancel the sitter for tonight. Tell him he won't need to come sit on us after all.
175 Tracy The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
176 Liz No, your honor, I'm not disputing the fine. I'm refusing to pay it. Grenade. Respawn!
177 Jack I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
178 Tracy Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
179 Tracy I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
180 Jenna It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
181 Jenna Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
182 Liz Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the same way I fix problems at work. I saved the show, now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbeanism mean that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
183 Liz That's from Invictus. Wait, who was the white guy in that?
184 Jack Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
185 Jack Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
186 Liz [singing montage] Sometimes we use a song to move a story along and explain it to you. Woo! Cuz Liz is taking charge, she's in control of everything she do. In her personal life, hey hey nah nah, in her personal life. Here comes the story obstacle now...
187 Jack Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
188 Jack President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
189 Jenna It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
190 Liz You know what, Mr. Bag? I WILL have a nice day! I'm going to hang you in your kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!
191 Avery Really? Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister?
192 Liz I did it, Jack. I got the bag. You were right. No matter how much the gate is strait, or who punishes the scrolls, I am the captain of my holes! Or whatever. We are in control!
193 Liz We don't know anything about him. I don't think his real name is Partybot. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know what he talks like. I certainly don't know if he can act.
194 Jack I don't think there are. Welcome aboard... Danny.
195 Jenna Danny, around here we're known as the Problem Solvers.
196 Tracy That's what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what's going on.
197 Liz That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea.
198 Jack You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth. I have these rare Kadupul blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green. And yet, they force us to do more. More sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?
199 Jenna I know it's my turn to do the dishes. But I'm in character. And if you make me do the dishes, I will kill myself!
200 Liz Don't worry, Jack. Our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress.
201 Jack Tracy?
202 Tracy Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like The Cosby Show. ''Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert.'' ''Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.'' The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can't, because I've got this little D-bag here.
203 Liz IT!!!!!!!! Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama? You remind me of my father and my boyfriend! Ugh, are you listening to me? Because if you're not, I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!
204 Tracy That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show. I only have boys. And boys are disgusting! I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me! Stop laughing! It's not funny! I need a baby girl! Don't slit my vas deferens!
205 Dotcom I'm going to be coming by all the time, getting jealous, taking things out of context. That dude, Brian, would be happier moving out!
206 Liz A gay, hipster cop. You're an interesting guy, Brian.
207 Kenneth Miss Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office. You made a promise to Masi Oka. ''Conserve electricity. Don't be a zero. Be a good guy.'' Why doesn't that say ''hero''? That feels like a real missed opportunity.
208 Liz Don't talk to me like that. You look like a turtle who lost his shell.
209 Jenna Hey, how did everything go with Dotcom?
210 Jack Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
211 Jack When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
212 Pete No, that would never work. lf l told my wife in college, ''Hey, l'm gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years,'' she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just. . . weeping over the sink.
213 Pete You stayed?!
214 Tracy Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?
215 Jack Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
216 Jack Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
217 Kenneth And Mr. Jordan himself said, ''Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.'' So haters to the left.
218 Jack Ghostface, you think you could mention donaghyestates.com at any point?
219 Tracy Hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? l got to get rid of Freddie's erection.
220 Jack Or perhaps it's eating universal healthcare. l bought this for the Floydster to congratulate him on his promotion.
221 Jenna Wow. How ''Sex and the City'' are we right now? l'm Samantha. You're Charlotte. And you're the lady at home who watches it.
222 Floyd Of course they do. l dream about moving back to Lakewood. Or maybe even Shaker Heights. Big Creek Parkway. Send the kids to St. John Bosco's, you know? Maybe even cheering on the Tribe at the Jake.
223 Liz Well, l'm glad you're happy.
224 Jack For God's sakes, Lemon. We'd all like to flee to the Cleve and club-hop down at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges because we have responsibilities.
225 Liz l don't think that's what this is. Floyd is pretty great. Look, in Cleveland, l'm a model.
226 Jenna Pretty good.
227 Liz Are you ok?
228 Jenna Oh I'm fine Jenna, I'm just a little light-headed. I'm on a crash diet to get back to my old weight by Friday.
229 Liz Well what diet is gonna do that?
230 Dr. Spaceman Now Jenna, medically speaking, for your height, your weight puts you in what we call the "disgusting range". Fortunately, there are solutions. For example, crystal meth has been shown to be very effective. How important is tooth-retention to you?
231 Jenna Liz, you don’t understand, people look at me differently now--Jack, the writers, the manager at Forever 21.
232 Jenna Because of 'America's Kidz Got Singing' I am blowing up. When you google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first, not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
233 Tracy Pay attention to me LL or else I'm going to do something self-destructive. For example, I just got an honorary sheriff's badge and I'm going to start making real arrests.
234 Liz What's this? It's Terry! The gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid and he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby ... and both sets of genitals!
235 Pete Oh my god, there you are! We're losing sponsers, Liz. Did you know that Snuggles, the fabric softner bear is gay?
236 Jack I'm in your head.
237 Tracy I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI … We should change that.
238 Jack We'll see. Our new slogan: "NBC: We have a magical horse" is testing, uh … OK.
239 Liz Wazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people who made America the great .... continent that it is today. These kickass people have given the world countless, bodacious things like the birther movement, intelligent design, water parks--no, I will not endorse water parks, they are a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild, the Golden Globes, cans that tell you how cold beer is, Florida, Bratz dolls.
240 Liz No, listen to me. Because of you, there may be an 'Entourage' movie.
241 Kenneth It's funny; in school, all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic!
242 Dotcom Well I’m sorry but you don't really need presents, you already have everything. I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul Jabbar's bones and he's not even dead!
243 Jenna Leeches. They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.
244 Jenna Demi Moore does it, plus it makes PETA furious. And if PETA doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier or a teacher.
245 Kenneth He's missing me! Boy, you are dumb sometimes.
246 Dennis We're not going to Chili's until I hit one. Go tell the guy the machine's not fast enough.
247 Liz I can actually feel myself getting sick. Am I the only person who saw Obama's press conference on how to sneeze?
248 Jack And the police have no interest in helping me either, despite the hundreds of dollars I pay every year in taxes. They think that I'm the enemy!
249 Kenneth Oh Ms. Lemon, you are missing out. Every four years, you get a magical extra day!
250 Tracy The Kitchen Debate with Richard Nixon. Richard M. Nixon. The M Train. Soul train. Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup. Soup kitchen. This is a Leap Day miracle!