Top 100 30 Rock Quotes

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1 Avery Oh, uh, mmm. [reads card] "Happy Holidays... is what terrorists say. Merry Christmas. Avery and Jack."
2 Jack A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.
3 Kenneth And Mr. Jordan himself said, ''Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.'' So haters to the left.
4 Liz What? Dealbreaker: The Book for You Man No Good. ''By Lesbian Yellow-Sour-Fruit.''
5 Kenneth Well I have to work. Now that the crew is gone I like to give everything a good spring cleaning, starting in the bathroom. There's a lot of drawings of Miss Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.
6 Tracy If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
7 Dr. Spaceman Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?
8 Dr. Spaceman There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates so it's tricky. All right, here's a prescription for your cold sores and here's a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren't you wearing pants?
9 Jack Ah.
10 Liz All right, Cheesy Blasters! ♪ You take a hot dog. Stuff it with some jack cheese. Fold it in a pizza. You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, ''Thanks, Meat Cat!'' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.
11 Liz This better be important, Jack. I was in the middle of bidding on a bag of bras on eBay.
12 Kenneth Hello! I'm a baby!
13 Jack Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
14 Jenna Jennas-side. Jennas-side. I'm not hearing it, Liz.
15 Liz [pulls old man in front of her] You'll have to go through this old bastard first!
16 Tracy Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
17 Liz Tracy, I need you to do something.
18 Tracy I had another freaky ''Kenmare''.
19 Jack Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
20 Jack All right, Donaghy. Follow your heart. Hard Equations And Rational Thinking. Damn you, HEART.
21 Jack That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.
22 Dr. Spaceman Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.
23 Dr. Spaceman Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
24 Tracy Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
25 Tracy So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".
26 Tracy Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!
27 Pete We own K-Mart now?
28 Tracy ''Tom Cruise,'' 'cause that's how Oprah says it. ''To-o-o-o-o-m !''
29 Liz Yeah, that's the guy that plays the ragtime songs about politics.
30 Jack Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
31 Jack Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
32 Tracy Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?
33 Jack Those are the stupidest fist names l've ever heard.
34 Jack When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
35 Jack Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
36 Kenneth Miss Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office. You made a promise to Masi Oka. ''Conserve electricity. Don't be a zero. Be a good guy.'' Why doesn't that say ''hero''? That feels like a real missed opportunity.
37 Liz As I have told you many times during our relationship, no one gets that reference.
38 Dotcom I feel angry! Like Warren Moon must have felt back in 1995!
39 Tracy That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show. I only have boys. And boys are disgusting! I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me! Stop laughing! It's not funny! I need a baby girl! Don't slit my vas deferens!
40 Liz Oh, brother, are they actually going to do something this year? Or are they just going to put that stupid green peacock in the corner of the screen?
41 Liz IT!!!!!!!! Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama? You remind me of my father and my boyfriend! Ugh, are you listening to me? Because if you're not, I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!
42 Kenneth Well, let's see. Minka Kelly says, ''My show is about football. There is a football team called the Chargers. Unplug your chargers.''
43 Jack Two questions. Must I live by Superman's moral code? And will the sex woman get older?
44 Danny All right, hosers. I want all 1 2 of us fighting for every meter on all three downs. And we're going to make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget.
45 Liz I do, I bought an Activia microwaveable panini.
46 Liz We don't know anything about him. I don't think his real name is Partybot. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know what he talks like. I certainly don't know if he can act.
47 Jack No we aren't. I was wrong. Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... frowny face.
48 Liz I did it, Jack. I got the bag. You were right. No matter how much the gate is strait, or who punishes the scrolls, I am the captain of my holes! Or whatever. We are in control!
49 Avery Jack! Oh thank God. I forgot the US country code but then I remembered it's number 1!
50 Liz You know what, Mr. Bag? I WILL have a nice day! I'm going to hang you in your kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!
51 Tracy Was Dotcom standing that gay?
52 Jenna Do you like it? If you say no I'll drown myself.
53 Jenna It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
54 Jack Me plus you equals frowny face.
55 Jack President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
56 Jonathan Sir, you need to see this, even if it ruins whatever you had planned for secretary's day, like a poem you wrote for me or whatever.
57 Avery I will, and thank you for being the best husband ever. [puts Regan mask back on] So do you want to watch me eat jelly beans? Real slow?
58 Jack Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
59 Avery [wearing Ronald Reagan mask and lingerie] Who's ready for Skype sex?
60 Jack Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
61 Jack Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
62 Liz Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the same way I fix problems at work. I saved the show, now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbeanism mean that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
63 Liz Great news, Jack. I've got a new life philosophy that I call "Lizbeanism."
64 Jenna Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
65 Jenna Oh I've taken action. It dries your mouth out but the sex is amazing.
66 Jenna It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
67 Jenna Conrad Bain once slapped me in a men's room.
68 Jack No, when she's ready Doctor Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
69 Frank Wait, how long have we been here?
70 Tracy I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
71 Tracy Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
72 Jenna Oh, eat it.
73 Jack I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
74 Liz No, your honor, I'm not disputing the fine. I'm refusing to pay it. Grenade. Respawn!
75 Tracy The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
76 Paul Really? This is a conservative top, Jenna. And I hate to be the stereotypical man, but this is my home and I want to wear this blouse.
77 Liz Desastre inminente.
78 Kenneth It's an old Parcell family recipe, but I look to replace the Union soldier meat with boiled potatoes.
79 Jenna No! Paul is a gender dysmorphic bi-genitalian pan-sexuale.
80 Liz Oh my God. The season's over, why are you losers still here?
81 Liz I'm trying tooooo but I'm kind of locked in, sweetie. The voice is controlling me now. Help me?
82 Dr. Spaceman Sounds like you could use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.
83 Dr. Spaceman Ah they're nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes.
84 Dr. Spaceman All right, now that the popsicle's melted we've got ourselves a tongue depressor.
85 Liz To be fair, I did not think Kathy Geiss was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.
86 Jack I'd never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
87 Pete So we're agreed. Assuming nothing goes wrong in the next eight hours, Jayden Michael Tyler will be the next T.G.S. cast member.
88 Frank Fine, we're cowabunga.
89 Jenna I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
90 Cerie You guys, I am so excited, I already put on my costume. Get it? I'm an Italian senator.
91 Liz ''Schwupps Ginny Pale''? This place is the worst.
92 Jenna No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
93 Frank Stop, stop filling Jenna's wigs with raw shrimp!
94 Frank God, it's bad enough having Jenna hang out here. Now she's bringing her friends? How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?
95 Jack I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
96 Liz Oh, this carp sandwich is not agreeing with my world view.
97 Tracy So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?
98 Tracy Boo!
99 Jenna There my buddies are. Oh, wow, they painted the ceiling in here.
100 Jenna Hey, I read your rewrite. Start over, you hack!