Top / Best 100 30 Rock Quotes

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1 Tracy I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI!
2 Tracy Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!
3 Frank He's awesome. You can't read his thoughts cause' he doesn't have any.
4 Tracy So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".
5 Liz Boy! We as a group, might not smell great.
6 Tracy How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? I'm Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.
7 Dr. Spaceman Say no more. If it's giving people meat, then I'm on board. I've always said Humans need more animal blood. It keeps the spine straight.
8 Jenna So now I'm a slut? Well let me tell you something. This slut slept with your brother!
9 Tracy I don't know what to tell you. They're making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damm tickets!
10 Tracy Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
11 Jenna Oh I'm sorry, when I'm the queen of Australia, I'll have him executed.
12 Liz Austria.
13 Jenna Yeah, that's what I said.
14 Liz Wow. Who's Snow White now?
15 Jack Yes of course. Uh, This is my live-in girlfriend, Lemon.
16 Jack Elizabeth...Lemon.
17 Liz It was part of the big brother little sister program.
18 Jack Beyonce.
19 Liz And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.
20 Jenna Should I say I'm still a virgin?
21 Jack Okay, Easy there, Jackie Chan. Yeah. Be careful.
22 Liz Great news. Great news. Bianca is neither normal nor happy.
23 Tracy I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?
24 Liz You can stay. But if you ever, if any of you ever call me that horrible word again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again, because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I'm so tired. I'm so tired, you guys.
25 Dr. Spaceman [Jack coughs] And cough. [Jack coughs again]. And cough [Jack coughs again]. Okay! Now, let's start the examination.
26 Jack You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug. So when are you going to Cleveland?
27 Tracy The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I'll be executed.
28 Jack The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
29 Jack And so do I. If you just give me a chance instead of ambushing me in front of the Congress and my own employees! You think I don't take diversity seriously? Only a fool doesn't. Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes. We always need people who are pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I did it. And it's my job to help others do it, too.
30 Kenneth Oh, Miss Maroney, I have your messages. Uh, a Mr. Bret Fav-ray stopped by, and uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog? There you go.
31 Dr. Spaceman Erectile dysfunction. It's not just a dog problem anymore. It also effects millions of men. I'm "Doctor" Leo Spaceman. For too long, erectile dysfunction has been viewed as a physical problem, and it's been treated with pills and ointments and contraptions whose straps break all too easily. But couldn't the real cause of E.D. be that we haven't produced a good "doing it" song since "Close The Door" by Teddy Pendergrass? That's why I recorded an album.
32 Dr. Spaceman Guaranteed to end erectile dysfunction, these are the sweet sounds of Dr. Leo Spaceman's "Love Storm." An ultra-strength audio re-boneulator.
33 Liz Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin. Before Jasmine is forced marry Jafar! [laughs] Similarities... Lemon out!
34 Jack That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.
35 Liz Oh. Okay. Great! Fine. I'll solve my own problems. [tries to open door] [finally gets it] Blammo. Solved it.
36 Avery What do you want, Liz?
37 Avery And you want to talk about this with your boss?
38 Avery [sighs]
39 Liz I'm... Dorothy Michaels. And you don't look stupid in that shirt at all. What do you gentlemen do?
40 Liz [gasps] Albino ninja!
41 Jack I'm Trisha's boyfriend, you scumbag. She told me what happened with youze last night. Now I'm gonna come and find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're going to be throwing up my toenails.
42 Jack How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's gonna SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm not going to investigate it.
43 Liz Joanne. Okay. Well I look forward to visiting her and her wife... on their farm.
44 Liz Jacqueline? Like named after you, like a little Jack but with boobs?
45 Liz [glasses crooked] Hi! I'm Daphne Donaghy! I saw a turtle!
46 Liz Kylie. Great. She can strip her way through community college. C'mon.
47 Jack Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
48 Jack A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.
49 Liz You know there isn't.
50 Danny Hey! What happened to my poster of the Montreal Alouettes? It's signed by Marc Trestman!
51 Jack All right, Donaghy. Follow your heart. Hard Equations And Rational Thinking. Damn you, HEART.
52 Jack Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
53 Tracy This better be ''meetment''. I'm importing.
54 Jack You look like a prison weed dealer.
55 Liz No, it's okay. I don't want to hurt you. But I'll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old. And that's what I want.
56 Tracy Splock... Short for ''Black Spock''.
57 Liz Tracy, I need you to do something.
58 Liz Yeah. Some dude jacked me and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.
59 Hank Hooper Oh, speaking of new experiences, I ate at an Indian restaurant last night. I had naan!
60 Liz Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws.
61 Jack Good God! She'll be Canadian.
62 Jack I called the concierge service with my Amex Invisible Card. There are no rental cars. The trains and buses are sold out.
63 Jack Avery, maybe it isn't the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies, and he went on to-
64 Liz But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? That seems like a pretty big conflict of interest. Why would the government even allow that merger?
65 Liz I like my tampons to be cold! I'll be downstairs. [leaves]
66 Jack Home run, Lemon. And speaking of baseball metaphors I see that someone got to first base which is what I consider sex with a stranger.
67 Liz No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from P.B.S.
68 Lutz She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?
69 Avery Oh, no, The Peace Corp. Lawrence Peace's corporation. We drilled for oil in gorilla habitats.
70 Liz Wow, Avery Jessup, she's hot. She was on Maxim's ''I'd Rape That 100.''
71 Frank All right. But if doing this restores my sex drive, the plus-sized ladies in the mail room have you to blame.
72 Kenneth Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.
73 Jenna How do I find me? [to the computer] COMPUTER. JENNA.
74 Liz That is an ironic re-appropriation. Kch. I don't know anymore. This started as a show for women, starring women. At the very least we should be elevating the way women are perceived in society. Augh my period! You're all fired! [falls to the floor]
75 Liz Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game. Whoo!
76 Toofer But my biggest problem with Quidditch is if the snitch is 150 points, why does anyone bother with the quaffle?
77 Jack It's a younger man's game, Lemon. But I can't say that I don't miss it. You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there. ''Oh, Mr. Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.'' Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke. A touch on the arm. And you'd take your reward. You'd take your reward.
78 Tracy Yeah, they're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
79 Jenna And you probably don't know this because you've never played a moonologist, but werewolves only come out at night.
80 Liz Yeah, well, that's not going to work for me. Because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
81 Kenneth [subtitle: Kenneth, Elderly Page] Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.
82 Liz Let me talk. I am talking! Will you let me talk? Can I talk for once? You need to call Tracy right now, because I know he's your man but he is my man, too, and TGS is my family, and my family is thick as thieves. [dumps over a table] Now who here wants to teach me how to fight?
83 Liz Come on, Sue. You can't just leave me here with Toofer.
84 Devon Banks Nothing! [flips music player playing babies' music to the floor to turn it off] These aren't babies. They're organ farms.
85 Liz Oh, we're going to have fun. We're going to stay here and make nachos and see who can fall asleep the earliest! Fun, fun, fun, fun!
86 Jack Are they? Nancy Donovan. Still so organized. In German class, Mr. Kruger always chose her to sort the students. He was eventually arrested by Israeli commandos. Mm. Look. On the 30th, she took Flight 1470 to R.S.W. He left the next day for C.V.G. They have to be different cities.
87 Kenneth Uh, Fort Myers and Cincinnati. Did you not learn your nation's airport codes in high school?
88 Tracy I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time!
89 Jonathan He's the best gift giver in the world. I tried once. I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil. In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail.
90 Danny I'm sorry. Are you being sarcastic? Canadians have a hard time recognizing it because we don't have a big Jewish population.
91 Kenneth Not me, sir. Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blond virgin.
92 Tracy Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.
93 Jack Weird in a good way, huh. Like going to the gym drunk.
94 Cerie She changed her status from ''Working On It'' to ''Weirdsies''.
95 Liz Liz Lemon's got her very own talk show.
96 Liz ♪ I'm a star I'm on top Somebody bring me some ham ♪
97 Liz I used to sing that when I was a kid.
98 Jack Yes, well, it's really happening for you, Lemon. Between T.G.S. and this, you're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.
99 Liz Bye, Astronaut Mike Dexter.
100 Pete Liz, snap out of it. Jenna's locked herself in her dressing room.
101 Liz What? No, go away. This is my fantasy, Pete.
102 Jack I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.
103 Jenna My niece drew a picture of me, and I look so fat!
104 Jenna Thank you. But you don't know what it looks like. Because of the door!
105 Pete Wow, she finally figured that out.
106 Jack Lemon, that is why Dealbreakers is going to work. Because your star is a crazy person. And my star is you.
107 Liz And I am not crazy. Because, unlike Jenna, my mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.
108 Pete Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.
109 Tracy Come over here, I said. In my normal tone of voice.
110 Tracy Liz Lemon, recently, I realized that I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.
111 Tracy I'm glad you feel that way. Because Angie's on her way up, and I want you to tell her for me.
112 Tracy Oh, yes, you are. Click. I said ''click'' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.
113 Liz Tracy did this to make me tell you that he wants to have a baby girl.
114 Tracy There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.
115 Liz Maybe we could ''undid'' these handcuffs.
116 Liz No, come back. Aw...
117 Liz Listen up, dummies. I'm going to be gone this week doing my talk show. So I need to leave someone responsible in charge. Now it's not about who I like the most or who's the funniest. So it's Toofer.
118 Liz No, nevermind. Lutz, you want it?
119 Lutz Mm-hm.
120 Frank Awesome. A cool person in charge for once. My first act as leader? I'm telling them to take down the internet firewall. We can surf porn again.
121 Jack I.M. Adouche? Banks! What do you want?
122 Devon Banks Did you say it?
123 Jack No, I knew right away.
124 Devon Banks Oh, sure you did. Well, D.C.'s great. So many men in uniform down here.
125 Dr. Spaceman Well, why not? So frustrating. But at least I heard it from a friend. So while we're here, what else do you want to do? Face burn? Bone morph? Mouth peel?
126 Dr. Spaceman You seem nervous. I could give you something for that. Ah, but you know what? I'm not supposed to have sex with my patients.
127 Lutz Hey, we're all going to Chuck E. Cheese's. It's divorced, Hispanic mom night.
128 Frank I can't. I've got to proof all these sketches, figure out the rundown, then meet with props in 10 minutes!
129 Toofer Okay, have a good night, Liz.
130 Frank Very funny. I'm not Liz. Ooh, ham. Mmm.
131 Liz It's all happening! Hi.
132 Jack You got a haircut.
133 Jenna Okay, don't try to move the body yourself.
134 Jack No, It's Liz. I need Dealbreakers to work. And yesterday, I told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses.
135 Jenna Oh, no, why did you do that? Jack, you don't know what it's like to be on ''ca-mer-rah''. You're vulnerable. You're exposed. You're exposed. It doesn't take a lot to send you over the edge.
136 Jack This is Lemon.
137 Jenna Not anymore. You've created two Lizzes. Regular Liz and Performer Liz. You've got to lie to her. Coddle her. Protect her from the real world.
138 Toofer You look exactly like Liz.
139 Frank What? Shut up. You've just never seen my reading glasses before, which I have to wear to read your dumb sketches. And I lost my hat after I threw it at a bus that wouldn't stop for me even though the guy could see me running.
140 Lutz What about the purse and sweater?
141 Frank You know what? I don't have to explain myself. You dummies have no idea what it's like to be in charge. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my office, trying to have it all. What is happening to me?
142 Pete Okay, here we go. One more, this is the one. And action! Great and smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof! Yeah, you can ''Whoo!'' You can do it. Good! Oh, my God. Break it down, break it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. Wave like a human being. You remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And, uh... a little cleavage. Nope. And just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?
143 Jack This is great. You look really relaxed. I'd watch this show.
144 Pete Please step away!
145 Liz I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say. But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out.
146 Liz Don't even bother! I've been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can't outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It's like that movie, The Negotiator.
147 Liz I don't want to do this show anymore. Shut it down.
148 Liz Then I guess it's a standoff. And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!
149 Jenna Of course not. I'm not wearing my outfit.
150 Jack Now I understand Performer Liz is freaking out. So I need Regular Liz's help.
151 Liz I don't know that she's here right now.
152 Jack Lemon, I need Regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch, Performer Liz, to get out on stage and give me something I can try to make money off of. Please.
153 Liz Hey, buddy. Your hair looks nice. Don't try those tricks on me!
154 Liz Okay, I know that it's been a hard day. I could have had it all. But you had to ruin it! With your thinking! Come on.
155 Liz ♪ You're a star You're on top Somebody bring you some ham ♪
156 Liz You should kill yourself.
157 Jack Good God, Lemon, what is that?
158 Jack Lemon, what have we done to you? It's okay. Go home and get some rest. I'll take the hit.
159 Liz I can't let you do that for me. Let him go.
160 Jack Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
161 Jenna Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking. As you may have heard, the Jenna Baby dolls I was selling on QVC have been recalled. Apparently they were just being used to smuggle cocaine into the country from Mexico. And that's caused some problems.
162 Jack I'm an eleven, but continue.
163 Liz We had him, Jack, and we lost him. So Kenneth and I had to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun and shot a blimp.
164 Jack Did you make sure that Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
165 Liz Yes. There was some confusion and I ended up punching the real Levar Burton. I'm going to get Jeremy. I hope he's not still in heat. He has got my top off before.
166 Jack Of course. Elegent. Uh, should Vaginatorium be capitalized?
167 Kenneth Hello! I'm a baby!
168 Tracy As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
169 Tracy F.U.L.L. spells "full," because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon.
170 Dennis Hold on a second. You think I'm just going to give up now, huh? I'm a Duffy, Liz. And us Duffy's, we didn't give up when we got kicked out of Ireland. We didn't give up when America sent us back, and we didn't give up when Ireland then just set us adrift on a log, all right? C'mon, it's not over Liz.
171 Tracy But I wasn't even supposed to say that! The line was "Sherinne, I hope Dr. Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy," but I couldn't get it right so they told me to improv!
172 Pete Well a very very heavy, uh, heavy, de-pertation tonight. We had a very ders... derrisson? by... Let's go ahead and tear a station, let's gud the bip the hebun bip.
173 Liz All right, Cheesy Blasters! ♪ You take a hot dog. Stuff it with some jack cheese. Fold it in a pizza. You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, ''Thanks, Meat Cat!'' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.
174 Jack Uh, we'll start with ''going country''. To T.G.S. we'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
175 Kenneth Sir, I have a problem with my time card.
176 Jack So naturally, you came to me because this company is just the two of us.
177 Tracy Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you? Hey, Rolly. You ever lose your remote control?
178 Tracy And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
179 Liz The worst. I'm lying to everybody about something I don't even want to be doing. Pete and I keep accidentally touching knees under those little comedy club tables. what is a new cast member? Shut up, shut up, here it comes.
180 Liz Has anybody seen my wallet? It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1 970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite. Damn it to hell! I hate my life!
181 Tracy It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, ''Nobody'', and his wife, ''Susan walters-Hyphen-Nobody''. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back. what's that sound? Bucket drummers!
182 Pete well, do it now, while she's drunk on attention. Or in an hour, when she's just drunk.
183 Pete In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States. well, where are your solutions, Liz Lemon? You know, this whole thing is your fault.
184 Jenna ♪ It's tennis night in America, Got some buds and some brews, it's going to be a fight. So put down your meth and slip on your whites, 'Cause here in real America, it's tennis night. It's tennis night when the sun goes down. Take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way. well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round, the way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Serve it up and smash it the American way. Slawomir Mleczko versus Kryzsztof Mlynarkiewicz. ...Are ready to play. In the Barnett Cup Semifinal. In the what? Got my lawn chair in my trunk, not an ocean in sight. So kiss my ass, New York, 'cause it's tennis night. Hee-haw! It's tennis night when the sun goes down, take the car off the blocks and pull it all around the way, well, the volleys are hot and the bottoms are round. The way they wear them short shorts is out of bounds. Just give a country gal some tennis. Don't give a damn it's not from Yankee Stadium. Better tie up your dogs, better go call the cops. Game, set, match. Lord it never stops! Hee-Haw! ♪
185 Jack Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing...
186 Jack I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
187 Frank God, it's bad enough having Jenna hang out here. Now she's bringing her friends? How can a dude in a midriff top dominate me like that?
188 Jenna No, let's do that! Yes, that gesture. I like people who do that.
189 Jenna Oh, my God. They're using me to get invited to gay Halloween so they can meet hot girls.
190 Cerie You guys, I am so excited, I already put on my costume. Get it? I'm an Italian senator.
191 Jenna I want two good sketches a week, a promise to hate the new cast member and no more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
192 Pete What do you mean, Dotcom is auditioning? How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?
193 Jack I'd never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
194 Dr. Spaceman Ah they're nothing to be ashamed of. I get them from prostitutes.
195 Dr. Spaceman There are four things I want to do this summer, but they're roommates so it's tricky. All right, here's a prescription for your cold sores and here's a blank one for the weekend. Now one final thing. Why aren't you wearing pants?
196 Dr. Spaceman Other doctor? That's my brother Randy. Tomorrow he's going to jail for the rest of his life. Good one, Randy! Hey you want to go to Taco Bell for lunch?
197 Liz Oh my God. The season's over, why are you losers still here?
198 Tracy If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
199 Kenneth Well I have to work. Now that the crew is gone I like to give everything a good spring cleaning, starting in the bathroom. There's a lot of drawings of Miss Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.
200 Tracy The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
201 Liz No, your honor, I'm not disputing the fine. I'm refusing to pay it. Grenade. Respawn!
202 Jack I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
203 Tracy Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
204 Tracy I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
205 Jack No, when she's ready Doctor Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
206 Jenna It works, Liz. Look at me. Ever since I started secreting I've become a TV star, I've found my soul mate, you saw how flat Gwyneth Paltrow sang at the Oscars. I visualized all of that.
207 Jenna Last year I used The Secret to learn Spanish and now I'm fluent. [enunciating carefully] "Rosa. I know you stole my necklace. I'll have your son deported. Oh wait, I found my necklace."
208 Liz Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the same way I fix problems at work. I saved the show, now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbeanism mean that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
209 Jack Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
210 Jack Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
211 Liz [singing montage] Sometimes we use a song to move a story along and explain it to you. Woo! Cuz Liz is taking charge, she's in control of everything she do. In her personal life, hey hey nah nah, in her personal life. Here comes the story obstacle now...
212 Jack Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
213 Jack Leave.
214 Jack President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
215 Jenna It depends. Do you have access to horse semen?
216 Liz You know what, Mr. Bag? I WILL have a nice day! I'm going to hang you in your kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!
217 Avery Really? Did you also call Sally Ride and her sister?
218 Liz I did it, Jack. I got the bag. You were right. No matter how much the gate is strait, or who punishes the scrolls, I am the captain of my holes! Or whatever. We are in control!
219 Jack No we aren't. I was wrong. Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... frowny face.
220 Jack So, uh, what do you need from me?
221 Liz We don't know anything about him. I don't think his real name is Partybot. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know what he talks like. I certainly don't know if he can act.
222 Danny All right, hosers. I want all 1 2 of us fighting for every meter on all three downs. And we're going to make this a Boxing Day the Prime Minister will never forget.
223 Liz That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea.
224 Kenneth Is it menial?
225 Liz IT!!!!!!!! Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama? You remind me of my father and my boyfriend! Ugh, are you listening to me? Because if you're not, I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!
226 Tracy That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show. I only have boys. And boys are disgusting! I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me! Stop laughing! It's not funny! I need a baby girl! Don't slit my vas deferens!
227 Dotcom I'm going to be coming by all the time, getting jealous, taking things out of context. That dude, Brian, would be happier moving out!
228 Liz A gay, hipster cop. You're an interesting guy, Brian.
229 Kenneth Miss Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office. You made a promise to Masi Oka. ''Conserve electricity. Don't be a zero. Be a good guy.'' Why doesn't that say ''hero''? That feels like a real missed opportunity.
230 Liz Don't talk to me like that. You look like a turtle who lost his shell.
231 Jack Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
232 Jack When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
233 Pete No, that would never work. lf l told my wife in college, ''Hey, l'm gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years,'' she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just. . . weeping over the sink.
234 Tracy Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?
235 Jack Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
236 Jack Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
237 Kenneth And Mr. Jordan himself said, ''Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.'' So haters to the left.
238 Jenna Why do you do this to yourself? lf you don't like him, end it. Who cares if he thinks you're a racist?
239 Jack Ghostface, you think you could mention donaghyestates.com at any point?
240 Floyd Of course they do. l dream about moving back to Lakewood. Or maybe even Shaker Heights. Big Creek Parkway. Send the kids to St. John Bosco's, you know? Maybe even cheering on the Tribe at the Jake.
241 Liz l don't think that's what this is. Floyd is pretty great. Look, in Cleveland, l'm a model.
242 Jenna Liz, you don’t understand, people look at me differently now--Jack, the writers, the manager at Forever 21.
243 Kenneth Oh, I'll leave the "thinking" to other religions.
244 Jenna Because of 'America's Kidz Got Singing' I am blowing up. When you google "Jenna Maroney" now, I come up first, not the Jenna Maroney who electrocuted all those horses.
245 Liz What's this? It's Terry! The gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid and he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby ... and both sets of genitals!
246 Pete Oh my god, there you are! We're losing sponsers, Liz. Did you know that Snuggles, the fabric softner bear is gay?
247 Tracy I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI … We should change that.
248 Jack Well I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued so uh … well done, Lemon.
249 Jack We'll see. Our new slogan: "NBC: We have a magical horse" is testing, uh … OK.
250 Kenneth It's funny; in school, all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic!