Kenneth's Top 139 Quotes

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1 Kenneth Hello! I'm a baby!
2 Kenneth It's funny; in school, all you learn about Abraham Lincoln is that he was a gay alcoholic!
3 Kenneth And Mr. Jordan himself said, ''Don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi.'' So haters to the left.
4 Kenneth Miss Lemon, your mini-fridge is still in your office. You made a promise to Masi Oka. ''Conserve electricity. Don't be a zero. Be a good guy.'' Why doesn't that say ''hero''? That feels like a real missed opportunity.
5 Kenneth Well I have to work. Now that the crew is gone I like to give everything a good spring cleaning, starting in the bathroom. There's a lot of drawings of Miss Maroney eating celery that men are giving to her with their hips.
6 Kenneth Uh, Fort Myers and Cincinnati. Did you not learn your nation's airport codes in high school?
7 Kenneth [subtitle: Kenneth, Elderly Page] Mr. D'Fwan, Party City does not sell giant see-through clocks or Pegasus wings, so I got this paper pineapple instead.
8 Kenneth Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.
9 Kenneth Oh Ms. Lemon, you are missing out. Every four years, you get a magical extra day!
10 Kenneth He's missing me! Boy, you are dumb sometimes.
11 Kenneth When someone needs help you don't waste time feeling sorry for them. We help them. And you seem like you could use a home-cooked meal.
12 Kenneth Vampyr!
13 Kenneth who are we?
14 Kenneth Oh, It's not the money, sir. It's just that I always work more than 16 hours, so I would be signing my name to a lie. The Parcell name is synonymous with honesty. As the Hill People say, ''Parcell gaw say del go up de saw say.''
15 Kenneth Sir, I have a problem with my time card.
16 Kenneth Not me, sir. Tonight is the Verdukian Holiday of Mouth Pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blond virgin.
17 Kenneth Sir, I don't mean to swear, but I am irritated right now. 5-5-2-8-7.
18 Kenneth Starting a fan mailing campaign to save the show. People will send sugar cubes to Hank Hooper to show that they're sweet on TGS. I've already sent about a hundred of these even though licking an envelope is a sin. Unless you're married to it. So I had to marry each envelope and then divorce it, which brings me to my ninth point-
19 Kenneth Miss Maroney, your addiction has negatively affected me in the following ways: Number one, I was so worried I forgot to write the rest of this letter. Thank you.
20 Kenneth I will adopt all of them.
21 Kenneth Oh, no, this Big Brother isn't affiliated with the mentoring program. It's an organization that secretly watches people and makes sure they are behaving properly.
22 Kenneth What is happening to me?
23 Kenneth Did you know the Today Show used to have a monkey on it? Hasn't been as good since. I think that chimp used to drive the truck himself on You Know What and The Bear
24 Kenneth Oh, I've got an idea for a show called Doctor, about Richard Doctor, who's a piano player. Do you remember that show, Jennifer Slept Here? Ann Jillian plays the ghost of a Hollywood starlet who helps teenagers. With what? I don't know.
25 Kenneth Including meeting the man of your dreams? Oh, Miss Lemon, it's so romantic. Just like that movie I only saw the first 10 minutes of- Fatal Attraction.
26 Kenneth Now I don't have a lot of experience reading stuff out loud to people, so I'm going to do this the most normal way I can think of. ''Space, space, space, space, space, space''. ''My Autobiography. ''Space, space, space, space, space. ''By Kenneth Ellen Parcell. ''Space, space, space, space, space.''
27 Kenneth I apologize, ma'am. That is not a song. You make me very nervous.
28 Kenneth Good afternoon and welcome. Not. We begin our stupid tour of this once-great network outside Studio 6-H. Uh-oh. Ring, ring. Hmm. What's up? Nothing. Just giving a dumb tour to a bunch of uggos.
29 Kenneth I won't leave you, sir. No matter what it takes.
30 Kenneth But comedy is just as important as drama. People need to laugh, especially in these tough times. And after all, isn't laughter the best medicine? Except for insulin, Spironolactone, and Bupropion, which I have for you whenever you're ready, sir.
31 Kenneth Miss Lemon, there's a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth. Listening is twice as important as talking. But he gave us ten fingers. He must really want us to poke things! Ahhhh poke! [pokes Liz] Poke poke poke poke! [leaves, poking writers]
32 Kenneth Ha ho, I'm sorry. It's just that... Mr. Lutz is wearing a hilarious t-shirt, and every time I see him -- just look! [points to Lutz wearing an "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt] [laughs] Whoever's standing next to him is stupid! That guy is stupid. [Lutz starts walking] Now she is, and now they are. Now I were! [laughs] Anyway, Mr. Donaghy called while you were with Mr. Jordan. He needs to see you right away. [goes back to his Page desk, laughing]
33 Kenneth Great shoving Mr. Jordan.
34 Kenneth Neither! I want to see a show where women get their hair done while listening to salsa music. I also have an idea for a cop show called K-9! Exclamation point. Oh, and a game show called Gold Case. It's a cross between Deal or No Deal and Millionaire, with a charming celebrity host, to be determined.
35 Kenneth Do you know why I put up with this "pitiful job" Mr. Donaghy, why I fetch these folks lunches and clean up their barfs? Because they make television. And more than jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American art form. Think of all the shared experiences television has provided for us. From the moon landing, to the Golden Girls finale. From Walter Cronkite denouncing Vietnam, to Oprah pulling that trash bag of fat out in a wagon. From the glory and the pageantry of the Summer Olympics, to the less fun Winter Olympics. So please, don't tell me I don't have a dream, sir. I am living my dream. Oh my. How'd he get that up there?
36 Kenneth My mother always told me that even when things seem bad, there's someone else who's having a worse day. Like being stung by a bee. Or getting a splinter. Or being chained to a wall in someone's sex dungeon.
37 Kenneth Otherwise, we would no longer be free.
38 Kenneth Yes, I suppose I would.
39 Kenneth I'll do it if you insist, sir. But I'm going to be grumpy until the end of this sentence.
40 Kenneth Oh, I'll show you how to thank me.
41 Kenneth Sir, you sound like the mall Santas when they come back from lunch.
42 Kenneth I ate him, sir! I ate my father-pig! [screams]
43 Kenneth Oh, I'll leave the "thinking" to other religions.
44 Kenneth Wonderful! Reverend Gary did the math and guess what? The world is ending tomorrow!
45 Kenneth Is it menial?
46 Kenneth [watching from a distant rock, with a telescope] You see all the good that is in them? How much capacity for love? Yes, I know. I just need more time with them. Give more time, Jacob! I BEG OF YOU! [title: TO BE CONTINUED]
47 Kenneth Yes ma'am. There have been several deliveries to this address of Mr. Jordan's signature order: large cheese pizza with one slice taken out so I can pretend I'm eating Pac-Man, like my hero Blinky the ghost.
48 Kenneth Sorry I'm late, Mr. Hornberger. Funny story. There was a guy on the subway who I thought for a second didn't have any fingers. But then I realized, he was holding his hand like this.
49 Kenneth [laughs] You don't know the meaning of the word "scared," and I know because I've looked it up for you a dozen times. [laughs]
50 Kenneth [very slowly] One... Mississippi...
51 Kenneth Oh, Miss Maroney, I have your messages. Uh, a Mr. Bret Fav-ray stopped by, and uh, dropped off this picture of a hot dog? There you go.
52 Kenneth Let's meet up later and smoke some drug cigarettes.
53 Kenneth Mr. Jordan, your manager called. Temple University has canceled your stand-up appearance. And Michael McDonald is denying permission to record any of his songs. ln other words. . . [ lmitating Michael McDonald ] Oh, Tracy You can't use any of my songs
54 Kenneth I don't like to swear, sir, but no thank you! Now, maybe I haven't had a wife who was kidnapped, but I have seen the Brady Bunch where Tiger runs away. We've all been through some bad stuff, Mr. Donaghy.
55 Kenneth Thanks for the heads up, Jonathan. Do you want to come to my birthday party?
56 Kenneth No, sir, he passed away. But at least he died doing what he loved. Blogging on the Huffington Post.
57 Kenneth I'm sorry, did you say, ''doll hairs''?
58 Kenneth I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street-type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.
59 Kenneth Miss Lemon, these gentlemen are the writers for Bruins Beat, whose offices we'll be sharing. They're all named Sean, they are mean, and I hate it here.
60 Kenneth I can talk to animals. Well, not TALK to them, but take commands from them.
61 Kenneth Well, not ''New York thin,'' but... Don't worry, I'm on it, Miss Lemon. Sorry. Mrs. Argus.
62 Kenneth It was Harold. And I ate all of him. Even the face in case of a tie.
63 Kenneth [hears Liz through a dreamy haze as he writes "Harold" over and over on his notepad]
64 Kenneth Ms. Lemon, this is Kenneth, the NBC page in New York City. l hate to bother you out west, but Tracy Jordan hasn't come to work.
65 Kenneth Global warming, sir? I'm sorry, that's just a bunch of scientist talk. Same people who'd have you believe that my great grandfather was a monkey. If he was a monkey, then why was he killed by a monkey?
66 Kenneth Pity? Oh, sir. Back in Stone Mountain people lose their spouses all the time. Mumps, hill people attacks, cave collapses -- both business and residential -- continuing my list...
67 Kenneth Of course, sir. would you like something to eat? I have some leftover turtle meat from dinner. Or as you would call it, ''bonus'' turtle meat.
68 Kenneth Mr. Jordan, I refuse to accept this is happening. You leaving is as crazy to me as evolution or a woman's right to choose her haircut.
69 Kenneth It's not the numbers, sir. It's the letters. They spell ''Klaus''. Your name in German class. The class you were in with Nancy. In high school. Back in Massachu...
70 Kenneth Sir, this computer is not helping with our search. If you type ''Nancy's Secrets'' into the internet, do you have any idea what comes up? A store that sells wig extensions.
71 Kenneth Of course it is. Cuz I'm gonna find a way to save the show! Lemme just take out my idea journal. Hmm. This just says "bird Internet."
72 Kenneth Look at all these books, sir. I feel like I'm back at school, learning about the dangers of book reading.
73 Kenneth Actually, sir... I think you should come home. Mrs. Jordan said she's going to turn her rings around if she sees me again. She wants you to come help her.
74 Kenneth No, no! For four long years, I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast Media Elite problems. Your apartment renovations and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.
75 Kenneth Especially after l picked out all these throw pillows for in here, and you didn't even notice!
76 Kenneth I know a gentleman who had a lot of crazy ideas. He was a carpenter. He wanted everyone to love one another.
77 Kenneth I just... I love television so much.
78 Kenneth It's an old Parcell family recipe, but I look to replace the Union soldier meat with boiled potatoes.
79 Kenneth Well, let's see. Minka Kelly says, ''My show is about football. There is a football team called the Chargers. Unplug your chargers.''
80 Kenneth All those zeros. It's downright un-American.
81 Kenneth Bird Internet...
82 Kenneth Not what my uncles does when he gets a hitchhiker over a barrel, I'll tell you that.
83 Kenneth Gosh, Mr. Hornberger. you say that so often, you should come up with a shortcut word for it, like ''Ivatrennaprah''.
84 Kenneth Well, I like to start cleaning in one corner and then work my way across the room in a zigzag.
85 Kenneth Ah. What are you tinkering with, sir? You know my uncle was a tinkerer. Until the FBI shot him.
86 Kenneth Isn't that just "Easter?" And I don't want anything, sir. I'm just happy to spend all day here helping my work family.
87 Kenneth Excuse me, Mr. Donaghy? I wasn't sure if you were participating in this year's pumpkin carving contest. Or if, like last year, I should go jump up my own ass.
88 Kenneth well, there's a bar in the shower that the previous tenant installed to keep from slipping. He still died in there, though.
89 Kenneth Kenneth, you beautiful goon! He's not in Africa! He's somewhere in the delivery zone of Federici's Pizza! We can find him and bring him back here and no more forced hiatus!
90 Kenneth [flashback to Kenneth poisoning Donna's food with a green powder out of a false ring]
91 Kenneth Yes, sir.
92 Kenneth Good luck, Argus. Well, sir, there's nothing wrong with this bird. He's just very old. Argus probably doesn't have very long to live.
93 Kenneth Heh heh. Oh, uh, and the Chilean miners are all out, and they are very angry about what you've been saying about them.
94 Kenneth Pregnant cornbread!
95 Kenneth Jiminy Cricket, copyright Walt Disney Company, 1940! Mr. Hornberger? Sir?
96 Kenneth Sir, this Chiquita banana sticker had been stuck to that ceiling for years so I finally scraped it off!
97 Kenneth Hello Mr. Hornberger!
98 Kenneth Good morning Mr. Rossitano. I'm sorry you're going to Hell.
99 Kenneth Those glasses are for display only.
100 Kenneth Sorry, sir. That happens sometimes when I unhinge my pelvis.
101 Kenneth You're going Irish!
102 Kenneth What happens when the second flood comes and you're not allowed on Reverend Gary's ark? Especially since Reverend Gary made it clear the ark is just for teen aged boys.
103 Kenneth Mr. Donaghy... I have to run out to Mr. Jordan's house. I'll call you when I get there so you know I'm safe.
104 Kenneth Oh, no, I get that. What I don't get is this is Danny's dressing room.
105 Kenneth They want me to get a promotion, but I don't wanna move to Los Angeles.
106 Kenneth Lying perfectly still reminds me of hiding under our porch during a Hill People rampage.
107 Kenneth [at interview, singing and dancing for Jeffrey Winerslav] Thank you NBC for all the laughs and tears. Once home to Kelsey Grammer, The Golden Girls, My Name Is Earl, The A-Team, and Cheers, so shine on, and thank you NBC! A top ten network!
108 Kenneth Oh I dunno ma'am. [heavy accent] You made me think about and when I gets to thinkin bout it, it just gets worse!
109 Kenneth Mrs. Jordan? Oh, I don't --
110 Kenneth Oh yeah? If I blew it, then how did I get her underpants?
111 Kenneth You said I'm your boss for today, so I fire you.
112 Kenneth I promise, I'll do better, Mr. Hornberger.
113 Kenneth And a bowl of meat cubes with picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out, in the tradition of Verdukianism.
114 Kenneth The sun is up, and we are still in these people's home. God can see us now. We have to find that voicemail code.
115 Kenneth Heh.. If you need someone to scream at, I'm right here.
116 Kenneth They confused shim with Mrs. Jordan -- Yes, ma'am.
117 Kenneth No that's usually how it goes.
118 Kenneth My mother has her dark times too, but that's when i say "momma you carried me for 9 months. let me carry you now"
119 Kenneth I've got a thing.
120 Kenneth I don't think you did, sir. I've just got the one pair, and I sleep in them.
121 Kenneth Oh, Mr. Donaghy... Did they make you ride the freight elevator?
122 Kenneth What a day! Miss Lemon's going to get Mr. Jordan back, we're going to do the best show ever, and out on the plaza a bird landed on my apple. I thought he was going to eat it but he just sat there! What's next? A different bird landing on a different apple?
123 Kenneth You shut your mouth.
124 Kenneth You're a good husband, Mr. Jordan. [Dog growling] Sir, is there any chance your dog followed me here?
125 Kenneth Fine, I will talk to him. And Mr. Donaghy will understand, because he's my best friend in the whole world, comma, Beautiful Hair Category, parentheses, Strong.
126 Kenneth Oh, my goodness! This is my dream come true! And to hear it from my best friend in the whole world, comma, Bald Category.
127 Kenneth [gives thumbs up to Tracy]
128 Kenneth I'm not done, sir. It gets worse. With Harold gone there was nothing keeping me at home. It was time for me to move to New York and follow my dreams, but I needed $300 for the river ferry-train-oxcart-train-bus ticket. And that's when I saw the sign.
129 Kenneth Okay. Talk about that.
130 Kenneth [claps politely]
131 Kenneth [ Guffaws ]
132 Kenneth I just don’t want to disgrace the peacock.
133 Kenneth Um, but I need to --
134 Kenneth No, you shouldn't. please, think of your children.
135 Kenneth See you tomorrow Mr. O’Brien.
136 Kenneth Well, don't let it happen again. Are you ready for an exciting and challenging day?
137 Kenneth My mother is my best friend.
138 Kenneth Good morning Mr. Donaghy.
139 Kenneth Oh, okay.