Liz's Top 250 Quotes

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1 Liz Don't talk to me like that. You look like a turtle who lost his shell.
2 Liz IT!!!!!!!! Oh, I'm sorry, is it too much drama? You remind me of my father and my boyfriend! Ugh, are you listening to me? Because if you're not, I will put on a wedding dress and jump in front of a subway!
3 Liz All right, Cheesy Blasters! ♪ You take a hot dog. Stuff it with some jack cheese. Fold it in a pizza. You've got Cheesy Blasters ♪ And then, all the kids say, ''Thanks, Meat Cat!'' And then, Meat Cat flies away on his, um... skateboard.
4 Liz No, C.N.B.C. gives me a headache. I get all my money advice from P.B.S.
5 Liz Wazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people who made America the great .... continent that it is today. These kickass people have given the world countless, bodacious things like the birther movement, intelligent design, water parks--no, I will not endorse water parks, they are a cesspool of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild, the Golden Globes, cans that tell you how cold beer is, Florida, Bratz dolls.
6 Liz l don't think that's what this is. Floyd is pretty great. Look, in Cleveland, l'm a model.
7 Liz Maybe we could ''undid'' these handcuffs.
8 Liz ♪ I'm a star I'm on top Somebody bring me some ham ♪
9 Liz You wanna party? It's five hundred for kissing, ten thousands for snuggling. End of list.
10 Liz Yeah, well, that's not going to work for me. Because Jenna is immune to whiskey and Tracy is afraid of juice.
11 Liz I want to roll my eyes right now but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.
12 Liz But aren't NBC and Kabletown the same company now? That seems like a pretty big conflict of interest. Why would the government even allow that merger?
13 Liz Yeah. Some dude jacked me and now his sperm is growing in my stomach.
14 Liz [singing montage] Sometimes we use a song to move a story along and explain it to you. Woo! Cuz Liz is taking charge, she's in control of everything she do. In her personal life, hey hey nah nah, in her personal life. Here comes the story obstacle now...
15 Liz Well, I'm Liz, and obviously my philosophy is simple like a bean. I'm fixing problems in my personal life the same way I fix problems at work. I saved the show, now I'm going to save me. Because Lizbeanism mean that I am a dyke... against the rising waters of mediocrity.
16 Liz No, your honor, I'm not disputing the fine. I'm refusing to pay it. Grenade. Respawn!
17 Liz Has anybody seen my wallet? It's an L.L. Bean child's wallet from the 1 970s. There's no money in it, but I was one hole-punch away from a free Tasti D-Lite. Damn it to hell! I hate my life!
18 Liz Yes. There was some confusion and I ended up punching the real Levar Burton. I'm going to get Jeremy. I hope he's not still in heat. He has got my top off before.
19 Liz Then I guess it's a standoff. And I want pizzas for all the hungry people in here!
20 Liz It's all happening! Hi.
21 Liz No, nevermind. Lutz, you want it?
22 Liz Let me talk. I am talking! Will you let me talk? Can I talk for once? You need to call Tracy right now, because I know he's your man but he is my man, too, and TGS is my family, and my family is thick as thieves. [dumps over a table] Now who here wants to teach me how to fight?
23 Liz Why won't they put me on the Jumbotron? I've been doing cool stuff all game. Whoo!
24 Liz Subhas, you are married! [waves him off] Okay this is exactly the kind of male douchebaggery that is about to take a real hit around here. Don't you know? I'm talkin' 'bout a femolution. Tracy Chapman. She's a woman, right?
25 Liz That is an ironic re-appropriation. Kch. I don't know anymore. This started as a show for women, starring women. At the very least we should be elevating the way women are perceived in society. Augh my period! You're all fired! [falls to the floor]
26 Liz Well, that would only be a problem if I had any flaws.
27 Liz Stop it. Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered. So quit whining and be grateful.
28 Liz Tracy, I need you to do something.
29 Liz Well, I met him on K-Date, which is the personals section of the Kraft Foods website.
30 Liz No, it's okay. I don't want to hurt you. But I'll tell you what I do want. I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother. And I want someone who likes musicals, but knows to just shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost. And I want someone who thinks being really into cars is lame and strip clubs are gross. I want someone who will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do. I want someone with clean hands and feet and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince. And I want him to genuinely like me, even when I'm old. And that's what I want.
31 Liz You know there isn't.
32 Liz So I'm gonna to marry... Yafet. And we're going to live in... Nineva. And I'm going to be a.... prostitute. Okay, what else? What else?
33 Liz [glasses crooked] Hi! I'm Daphne Donaghy! I saw a turtle!
34 Liz Jacqueline? Like named after you, like a little Jack but with boobs?
35 Liz [gasps] Albino ninja!
36 Liz Yeah, and hurry up, Aladdin. Before Jasmine is forced marry Jafar! [laughs] Similarities... Lemon out!
37 Liz I will KILL YOU!
38 Liz You can stay. But if you ever, if any of you ever call me that horrible word again, I will fire you! And you will never alter drapes in Atlanta again, because you do not cross a Sugarbaker woman! I'm so tired. I'm so tired, you guys.
39 Liz And unlike the rest of Jack's girlfriends, I have all my original parts.
40 Liz It was part of the big brother little sister program.
41 Liz Wow. Who's Snow White now?
42 Liz Austria.
43 Liz You want me to think of something funny you can write in a card?
44 Liz Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People’s Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.
45 Liz I can actually feel myself getting sick. Am I the only person who saw Obama's press conference on how to sneeze?
46 Liz No, listen to me. Because of you, there may be an 'Entourage' movie.
47 Liz What's this? It's Terry! The gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid and he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby ... and both sets of genitals!
48 Liz Well what diet is gonna do that?
49 Liz Are you ok?
50 Liz Well, l'm glad you're happy.
51 Liz A gay, hipster cop. You're an interesting guy, Brian.
52 Liz Astronaut Mike Dexter.
53 Liz You're gay?
54 Liz Don't worry, Jack. Our topical cold open is about Omarosa borrowing Bjork's swan dress.
55 Liz That's what you use the jars for? You told me that was sun tea.
56 Liz We don't know anything about him. I don't think his real name is Partybot. I don't know what he looks like. I don't know what he talks like. I certainly don't know if he can act.
57 Liz I did it, Jack. I got the bag. You were right. No matter how much the gate is strait, or who punishes the scrolls, I am the captain of my holes! Or whatever. We are in control!
58 Liz You know what, Mr. Bag? I WILL have a nice day! I'm going to hang you in your kitchen and fill you with other bags. You will eat your family!
59 Liz That's from Invictus. Wait, who was the white guy in that?
60 Liz Well, I'm off. Have a good summer, Jenna.
61 Liz All God's children are terrible.
62 Liz And who am I to say that my delicious Italian sub is better than its Stone Mountain equivalent? Which is why I will have the carp po' boy with extra chuckle.
63 Liz Jack, just say ''Jewish''. This is taking forever.
64 Liz I'm happy to say that I don't even get that.
65 Liz The worst. I'm lying to everybody about something I don't even want to be doing. Pete and I keep accidentally touching knees under those little comedy club tables. what is a new cast member? Shut up, shut up, here it comes.
66 Liz Tracy just come back, do the show tonight, and we'll figure all this out.
67 Liz We had him, Jack, and we lost him. So Kenneth and I had to spend the rest of the afternoon trying to think like Tracy. I ended up eating a swordfish dinner at a strip club and Kenneth grabbed a cop's gun and shot a blimp.
68 Liz Wow. This could not have gone any better.
69 Liz We need to talk. Right now. We know that Tracy's not in Africa. He's hiding somewhere in New York.
70 Liz You should kill yourself.
71 Liz ♪ You're a star You're on top Somebody bring you some ham ♪
72 Liz Okay, I know that it's been a hard day. I could have had it all. But you had to ruin it! With your thinking! Come on.
73 Liz Hey, buddy. Your hair looks nice. Don't try those tricks on me!
74 Liz I don't want to do this show anymore. Shut it down.
75 Liz Don't even bother! I've been on the other side of that door, Jack. You can't outsmart me. I know all the tricks. It's like that movie, The Negotiator.
76 Liz I fully understand the irony of what I'm about to say. But I have locked myself in my dressing room, and I am not coming out.
77 Liz Listen up, dummies. I'm going to be gone this week doing my talk show. So I need to leave someone responsible in charge. Now it's not about who I like the most or who's the funniest. So it's Toofer.
78 Liz And I am not crazy. Because, unlike Jenna, my mother never used my beauty pageant winnings to buy her married boyfriend a motorcycle.
79 Liz Bye, Astronaut Mike Dexter.
80 Liz I used to sing that when I was a kid.
81 Liz Liz Lemon's got her very own talk show.
82 Liz But that's on A.B.C.
83 Liz That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out. But you made me go get help.
84 Liz Jack Donaghy?
85 Liz Oh, I want to take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.
86 Liz Oh, we're going to have fun. We're going to stay here and make nachos and see who can fall asleep the earliest! Fun, fun, fun, fun!
87 Liz I wrote that, I'm Liz Lemon! ''If your man is over 30 and still wears a nametag to work, that's a Dealbreaker.'' But not you, Mike. That's not you. Mike, leave my cutout alone. Oh, okay. Oh, God. Okay, you know, I'm going to do the same thing to your cutout. Oh, wait, you don't have one, because you're nobody! Ow! Blammo, another successful interaction with a man.
88 Liz Well, I don't know if you know this, Jack, but the workplace is a hierarchy. And I'm Danny's boss. Sometimes, all the pretty little things down here want to be with the people up here. And they come into your office late one night with some flimsy excuse.
89 Liz No! You didn't! Lutz!? Is that even possible? I mean I was there when he Belvedere'd. God, Abby, you can't be that desperate for male attention.
90 Liz Word choice, Jack.
91 Liz You're wrong. I support women. I'm like a human bra. Which is why I want to hire a young comic named Abby Flynn to come on as a guest writer.
92 Liz How are you not moved by this?
93 Liz It is not a lecture to simply point out to someone that the episode of Diff'rent Strokes about Dudley's dad has proven incontrovertibly that smoking destroys your health and leads to ridicule from Willis.
94 Liz A Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to us all!
95 Liz No, I'll buy some cookies. But not for Valentine's Day. Instead, these cookies celebrate the February 14th birthday of Anna Howard Shaw, famed American suffragette. Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day to you, Evelyn.
96 Liz Learn from my sexual misadventures, Evelyn. Last Valentine's Day, I watched my boyfriend, Drew's, mother/grandmother die. I met Floyd on Valentine's Day, but he left me for the city of Cleveland. And forget about Dennis. That pervert would always just try to get me drunk.
97 Liz Please, monsieur! There remains, of course, the complex explanation. A vast conspiracy involving multiple agents and precise coordinated efforts. A conspiracy that begins with the timely food poisoning of Donna Straunk. And who here has access to Donna's food.
98 Liz Last night a repulsive act occurred at a hotel in mid-town. There are two possible explanations as to how this... event came to be. A simple one and a complex one. The simple explanation is that I went to a discotheque and a handsome, interesting man fell for me. In the wake of my breakup I allowed myself to have an experience that gave me reason to be hopeful about the future again. Very simple.
99 Liz How about this for ID? I participated in Hands Across America. [searches wallet] Nerds, where is it? Okay. My license is missing which is my cue to go home.
100 Liz Don't worry, I'll find something to hate. Oh, okay, here we go, this sucks. [picks up menu] This place is called Canal Yards Project? What does that mean?
101 Liz Having seen Crimson Tide on Showtime last weekend, I believe the only course of action available to us is passenger mutiny! I am Denzel!
102 Liz There's a line, sir. I realize you're more important than everyone else on the flight, what with those jet sweat pants.
103 Liz Look at us being all adulty. I packed underwear [whispers] that isn't gray! Isn't it nice dating someone you have so much in common with? Like you, Avery is a type-A nut job.
104 Liz No, I don't. See you there.
105 Liz You use that word too much.
106 Liz Damn you, Kaplan!
107 Liz But there's a Batman in there!
108 Liz Oh, come on. I mean, you're not really a doctor.
109 Liz Boo.
110 Liz [spins and locks eyes with Jack]
111 Liz You know, some people actually craft stories, and when the story doesn't have an ending you don't just create one out of thin air by playing music or having people give each other meaningful looks. [music swells] Sure, that might manipulate an audience into THINKING they're feeling something, but it sucks.
112 Liz Tracy, we've been playing this game for five years now. When is it even going to stop?
113 Liz Yeah, I did too. I thought the only thing keeping us apart was that you wanted to live in Cleveland. But you'll move to New York for Kaitlin.
114 Liz Look, I want you to be happy. And obviously, you have a life to live. But your getting married is a big deal to me. So please, don't do it where I work. And don't drag my best friend, T.V., into it.
115 Liz Exactly. So I'm simply going to ask Floyd as a friend and former intercourse companion to do me the favor of not getting married right outside my window. I'm going to meet him tomorrow night at McShanley's for dinner.
116 Liz It's like, on T.V., it used to be you couldn't say ''crap''. Then, they let that slide, an now we can say whatever we want. Douchebag, asswipe...
117 Liz You're going to juggle them? No, even you can't pull this off, Jack. Mrs. Doubtfire ''shimself'' could not do this. You are going to blow it. And you're going to end up alone, and you're going to have to go to singles dodgeball. Put on these rec specs. This is your future.
118 Liz Oh, God. It looks like the underside of an octopus.
119 Liz Well, I'm glad you're taking it seriously. Although sometimes, when you try so hard to find love, you can't see that it's been standing in front of you the whole time.
120 Liz As embarrassed Americans, Jack and I pledge five million dollars to create a new generation of choreographers and puppeteers, clowns, video artists, and theatrical jugglers who will ask the world "What is art?"
121 Liz [on TV with title "Elizabeth Lemon-Donaghy, Generous Donation to NY Public Schools"] [bad Boston accent] My husband and I are absolutely so pleased to be underwriting the Jack and Elizabeth Donaghy High School for Teen Drama, the Arts, and Feelings!
122 Liz ...gym. What do you want, Jack?
123 Liz The staff moms that are going to be on the Mother's Day show that N.B.C. is making us do after their ill-fated decision to reair the pilot of Bitch Hunter.
124 Liz And now a reading from Corinthians. ''Love is patient. Love is kind. It is not jealous. It is not pompous. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It is not rude.''
125 Liz Okay, friend, here's the deal. My name is Liz. I almost got 1200 on my S.A.T.s. And I need a date for this wedding. And I like your head shape.
126 Liz If I have to sit through that alone, I will rent a car, set it on fire, and drive it off a waterfall.
127 Liz Love is patient, Love is weird, and sometimes gross. Love is elusive. And you have found it. So treasure it. To Grizz and Feyonce.
128 Liz Stupid Buzz Aldrin was wrong. So thank you and goodbye. Praise to the universe! Love is real!
129 Liz You know what I learned tonight? As hard as you try, no one can escape the horror of Christmas, so it might as well be with your own family. I'm going to go get a bus to White Haven now, and I should be home just in time for Aunt Linda to try to prove that she's sober by holding someone's baby while cooking.
130 Liz Merry Christmas, Jack! Sorry, I finished the Oreos in the cab.
131 Liz I'm not Rick! [watches a transvestite that looks uncannily like her skate away]
132 Liz I have this recurring dream... Actually is it recurring if you wake yourself up with a [snorts] and then return to it? Anyway, in the dream I'm a baby but my parents left me on the top of the car by accident...
133 Liz [flashback] [Young Liz] What does it matter? You didn't bring me what I asked for last year you fat fraud. You're a bigger disappointment than our current president, Jimmy Carter.
134 Liz When I didn't get it my dad blamed Santa Claus. Well, Santa made an enemy that day. The next year when he returned to the Schuylkill Galleria, so did vengeance.
135 Liz Well, for starters, everyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship. My own dad tries to secretly cheat on my mom and I thought their marriage was perfect. And of course there's Santa Claus.
136 Liz Jack. What makes a guy get bored in a dating situation?
137 Liz Also, the next time I see someone throwing a football in here, there will be fines. And... if I see that filthy dog again, I will put it down. I will put it down with a smile.
138 Liz Oh, you stay there. You stay there until you die.
139 Liz Technically I am a freelancer, which is pretty much a modern day cowboy. And I live like a cowboy by buying quality, locally-made jeans. Also by eating beans out of a can. Due to impatience. You're on your own here, partner. But hey, it's not all bad. Because you get to watch me walk away. [walks away]
140 Liz Uh huh. So you're putting one more nut job -- yeah, I said it -- one MORE -- I'm political -- in Washington so you can advance your career? What is going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?
141 Liz [shows Jack her leg]
142 Liz Work husband slash uncle.
143 Liz Well when you put it like that, with the mean voice and all...
144 Liz I was nine years old. I was rollerskating in the house, which was absolutely forbidden. I was skating down the hallway, on top of the world, with my new skates and my new haircut, which everybody thought was a Dorothy Hamill, but was actually a Pete Rose. Anyway, I needed to go to the bathroom, but the door was locked. My recently divorced aunt had moved in with us and I was sharing a bathroom with her. To be prepared I tried to take my underpants off over my roller skates. I slipped, and as I fell I pulled down this poster of the singer Tom Jones that my aunt had put up. My mom heard the noise and ran and found me... squirming under the Tom Jones poster with my... underpants around my ankles. It didn't look good, Jack. She thought I did it on purpose. And she didn't say a word. She just went in my room and took all my posters. Grizzly Adams, Larry Wilcox, Han Solo, Tug McGraw, Mike Schmidt, Kermit, Gunther Gebel-Williams... She took all the people away, Jack! Sex makes the people go away!
145 Liz Because my memory has Seinfeld money.
146 Liz Yeah well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was destroying the lab rats'... uh... uh... what is that word? brains!
147 Liz Look, Jack I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I mean, I know who I am. I know I'm not the funnest person in the group. I'm not the one you call when you want to go clubbing on the town and party-dance all night.
148 Liz And that is why you are so amazing!
149 Liz Okay. Good talk, Yadwiga.
150 Liz Blahh!
151 Liz No, no. No you don't, you don't have have to clean me, I'm just saying you may have to clean up after a surprise party later cuz it's my birthday and it's a big one. Blahhh!
152 Liz Oh my God. Well so I'm glad to see you back. Oh you know, I wanted to let you know there's probably going to be some kind of a party later cuz it's my birthday.
153 Liz Really? You wanna play this game with a comedy writer? [squirts Jonathan in the face with his water bottle]
154 Liz Yeah, Chai Boy, get in here. You'll never be.. a millin-aire! Ah ha ha, ha ha ha. Slumdog Millionaire ref. Blammo!
155 Liz My memory has Seinfeld money.
156 Liz Weak!
157 Liz l'm gonna get the wedding dress, and then l'm gonna have a baby, and then l'm gonna die, and then l'm gonna meet a supercute guy in heaven.
158 Liz Disgusting, sir! Would you talk like that to your mother? Or your daughter? Or your surgeon? Just because my friend is blonde and never closes her mouth fully --
159 Liz She's your pube shirt.
160 Liz Good. Did you know that if you're a pilot, that Chilis will seat you right away even if the pilot's dinner companion has just been yelling at the hostess?
161 Liz What?
162 Liz Hi, I'm Liz Lemon, somebody called me.
163 Liz No, no.
164 Liz Yeah, I think they're from the firm of date rape, cokington, cheeseball, and Jag.
165 Liz Gross.
166 Liz Jack, wait. Oh my god. I thought you were....
167 Liz That a boy. That's the Jack Donaghy I know.
168 Liz It was pretty good.
169 Liz No. Please, come in.
170 Liz Hi. Bianca, I have to tell you, Jack and I are engaged.
171 Liz Fine. You don't believe me? I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna tell her that you just proposed to me. And you watch her. Watch how red her face gets.
172 Liz I think it is the most beautiful language in the world.
173 Liz Yeah, come on. It's a fast song.
174 Liz Yeah.
175 Liz Hey, are you gonna come sit down? Cause they put out lobster tails, and I want to eat yours.
176 Liz You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.
177 Liz You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?
178 Liz Wait you're actually considering this?
179 Liz If you're looking to sneak out the window, it doesn't open. I already tried it.
180 Liz You showed the security guy your boobs, didn't you?
181 Liz Oh. That's better. Uh, no. He's a real European prince. Gerhardt Hapsburg?
182 Liz That was surprising.
183 Liz I don't know Jack, would I have to wear high heel shoes?
184 Liz Ok. I got it, I got it, I got it. What's the difference between yo' mama and washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow me around for a week.
185 Liz Hey
186 Liz Tray, can I come in
187 Liz That’s why you called me up here? Ok. Um. Good evening. It’s great to be here at the beautiful Waldorf Astoria. I haven’t seen this many white people in tuxedos since the Titanic.
188 Liz Doesn’t that happen a lot?
189 Liz What happened?
190 Liz You're gonna burn the place down.
191 Liz Dennis, wake up. God.
192 Liz Okay. I admit it. Dennis isn’t a sandwich I want to eat everyday for the rest of my life. I’m clueless about men. I’m clueless about everything that isn’t this show. Maybe you can tell me how to live, because sadly you may be the most stable person I know right now.
193 Liz He is the king now, the old Beeper King retired. Well, technically he shot himself. But Dennis took over, and now he’s the only beeper salesman left in Manhattan. Which is cool. You’re doing the eyebrow thing again.
194 Liz Ok. Here’s your pep talk. You’re not an actor, you’re Jack Donaghy, all right, So quit whining and nut up! You’re right. If you can’t do this you are a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this. And she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dum-dum can act, Jack, so be a man and get it done.
195 Liz Cerie, seriously. take that off. And, you, stop encouraging her. You're an enabler. You need to dress like you have a job. And parents who raised you in some kind of shame based American religious tradition. Here.
196 Liz No, you’re not listening. You’re not a good listener.
197 Liz Yeah if I was the President of the Philippines.
198 Liz I like my tampons to be cold! I'll be downstairs. [leaves]
199 Liz Oh, Pete, that's later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.
200 Liz Oh my God. The season's over, why are you losers still here?
201 Liz Ugh, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley, somebody who knows what she's doing.
202 Liz Joanne. Okay. Well I look forward to visiting her and her wife... on their farm.
203 Liz Mmm, yeah. I'm a keeper. So now it's a date? I thought I could never be you date, Jack. I thought no one would ever believe it because I'm so grotesque.
204 Liz My mini-fridge? What about my fresh fruit... flavored toaster cheesecakes?
205 Liz This is how I cry now. Ever since you made me get that off-brand eye surgery.
206 Liz Come on, Sue. You can't just leave me here with Toofer.
207 Liz What is this, Jabba's pleasure skiff?
208 Liz Thanks.
209 Liz Boy! We as a group, might not smell great.
210 Liz Yeah, well, I hear something else. It's the Hug Plane coming in for a landing?
211 Liz Oh. Okay. Great! Fine. I'll solve my own problems. [tries to open door] [finally gets it] Blammo. Solved it.
212 Liz Wrong, Jack, because they weren't sweaters--they were dickeys! Happy 2012!
213 Liz What do you care? Whatever, Brian, I am over it!
214 Liz What is this? ''Peppy Bismilk''? Why is everything a little different here? I hate it!
215 Liz And I don't really think that it's fair for me to be on a jury because I'm a hologram.
216 Liz They don't know anything. Neither does anyone Tracy's close to. His wife, Charles Barkley, Edward James Almost, who is an Edward James Olmos lookalike who Tracy is friends with.
217 Liz Well, I really like your hair today.
218 Liz I thought we understood that you are never to think that I understand anything!
219 Liz I like bands. Like... Amy Grant.
220 Liz What did you say you loved about me? Did you talk about my body? Did you say how you like to watch me dance? Yeah. You like that?
221 Liz What can I say, Jack? I guess I'm getting a second wind here at the tail end of my ''dirty 30s''.
222 Liz Yeah, I don't think you are. While stuck in a pile-up on the Pacific Coast Highway earlier, I realized something. You take Danny away from work whenever you want to hang out. I don't think this is about the show. I think you have some sort of problem with the fact that Danny is with me.
223 Liz This is Nurse Jamakaiah from Dr. Kaplan's office. So here's da ting. You need to come in today so the doctor can check dem teeth, mon.
224 Liz Because your salary does not come out of our budget. Look, Toof, you provide a point of view that is essential to keeping the diversity guy from bothering us.
225 Liz All right, Grizz. I'm going to speak frankly to you now. And I can do that because of our sexual past.
226 Liz [in bad Japanese accent] Damn you, Godzilla! [pronounced god-zihr-ra]
227 Liz I freaked out and my junk closed for business. It's like Fort Knox down there.
228 Liz Wow. You do have a talent.
229 Liz (Flashback) Hey, Look, everybody. Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater.
230 Liz Get out of here so i can take my shoes off.
231 Liz Ok fine. I'll do it. But I'm not gonna like it.
232 Liz Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
233 Liz What? Dealbreaker: The Book for You Man No Good. ''By Lesbian Yellow-Sour-Fruit.''
234 Liz As I have told you many times during our relationship, no one gets that reference.
235 Liz I can't let you do that for me. Let him go.
236 Liz Oh, actually, I got three haircuts. The first two made me look nuts. Hey, do I say the word ''camera'' weird? ''Cam-er-rah''. ''Cam-er-rah''. ''Cam-er-rah''.
237 Liz Oh, okay. Too much pressure. Writers who never talk? Anybody want a promotion? Great, Frank, congratulations. You are the new boss.
238 Liz Yeah, that was super bitchy.
239 Liz No! People of the sidewalk, we can't give up on the written word! We need stories! Because I don't have a plan B. I have a degree in Theatre Tech with a minor in Movement. Why did my parents let me do that?!
240 Liz Happy Valentine's Day, no one.
241 Liz What's the point, Jack? I'm done. I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon and I bought a cemetery plot. I also joined a book club at the senior's center near my home. We're reading Murder on the Orient Express.
242 Liz Kylie. Great. She can strip her way through community college. C'mon.
243 Liz Mine are different sizes. These are the writers.
244 Liz I think it has to do with my issues with sex.
245 Liz [opens envelope and reads letter] "You will hand me an envelope predicting my joke about Nags Head." That is solid.
246 Liz I'm trying tooooo but I'm kind of locked in, sweetie. The voice is controlling me now. Help me?
247 Liz [pulls old man in front of her] You'll have to go through this old bastard first!
248 Liz Desastre inminente.
249 Liz To be fair, I did not think Kathy Geiss was going to finish her song by taking off her underpants.
250 Liz No, come back. Aw...