Jack's Top 250 Quotes

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1 Jack A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.
2 Jack It's a younger man's game, Lemon. But I can't say that I don't miss it. You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there. ''Oh, Mr. Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.'' Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke. A touch on the arm. And you'd take your reward. You'd take your reward.
3 Jack Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
4 Jack Now I understand Performer Liz is freaking out. So I need Regular Liz's help.
5 Jack Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
6 Jack How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's gonna SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm not going to investigate it.
7 Jack No. She's more than that. I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time. The intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face. The humility to accept my help. And finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acryonym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it.
8 Jack That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.
9 Jack You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug. So when are you going to Cleveland?
10 Jack For God's sakes, Lemon. We'd all like to flee to the Cleve and club-hop down at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges because we have responsibilities.
11 Jack Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing...
12 Jack Now, remind me. Did you just do the Philadelphia cotillion, or did you also debut internationally?
13 Jack Uh, we'll start with ''going country''. To T.G.S. we'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
14 Jack Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
15 Jack Lemon, I need Regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch, Performer Liz, to get out on stage and give me something I can try to make money off of. Please.
16 Jack No, It's Liz. I need Dealbreakers to work. And yesterday, I told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses.
17 Jack I've got to look camera ready tonight. I'm being interviewed on C.N.B.C. Have you ever watched The Hot Box with Avery Jessup?
18 Jack Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby. We tried to get back home, Lemon, in a meth lab. Avery and I fed each other's craziness, but one of us was brave enough to step back-
19 Jack Avery, maybe it isn't the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies, and he went on to-
20 Jack Good God! She'll be Canadian.
21 Jack N.B.C. It's fresh.
22 Jack Thank you. But yes, I've had to work my entire life. It began when my father left and I started working on the Boston docks as a twelve year old stevedore. "Bales up, you micks! Bales up!"
23 Jack Letting morality get in the way of making money. I might as well go and... [whispers] be a teacher.
24 Jack Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
25 Jack I'm Trisha's boyfriend, you scumbag. She told me what happened with youze last night. Now I'm gonna come and find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're going to be throwing up my toenails.
26 Jack Oh, you can't do that. The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day for every purchase.
27 Jack And so do I. If you just give me a chance instead of ambushing me in front of the Congress and my own employees! You think I don't take diversity seriously? Only a fool doesn't. Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes. We always need people who are pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I did it. And it's my job to help others do it, too.
28 Jack The look on Bianca's face just before she choked you. That was the most satisfying thing.
29 Jack When Gerhardt was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin that he would either live for 15 minutes or 100 years. Boy, he proved them all wrong.
30 Jack Beyonce.
31 Jack Yes of course. Uh, This is my live-in girlfriend, Lemon.
32 Jack That's what your mom said to me last night! Booyah!
33 Jack You've come a long way, haven't you, Kenneth Ellen, with your cheap loafers and your page jacket? But You’ll always be a pig farmer's son, boy, cause I smell fried baloney all over you.
34 Jack And the police have no interest in helping me either, despite the hundreds of dollars I pay every year in taxes. They think that I'm the enemy!
35 Jack We'll see. Our new slogan: "NBC: We have a magical horse" is testing, uh … OK.
36 Jack I'm in your head.
37 Jack What can I tell you? The audience just loves Shayla's personal story. Did you know that both her mothers are serial killers? That's America.
38 Jack No, you're not. Look, every great getaway has that moment when you want to pack it all in and stay. That's how l ended up with a time-share in Port Arthur, Texas.
39 Jack Or perhaps it's eating universal healthcare. l bought this for the Floydster to congratulate him on his promotion.
40 Jack Ghostface, you think you could mention donaghyestates.com at any point?
41 Jack Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
42 Jack Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
43 Jack When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
44 Jack Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
45 Jack Tracy?
46 Jack You're preaching to the choir, Kenneth. I mean, I love the earth. I have these rare Kadupul blossoms flown in every morning from Sri Lanka on a private jet. That's the definition of green. And yet, they force us to do more. More sacrifices. Why? For the children. What have children ever done for us?
47 Jack I don't think there are. Welcome aboard... Danny.
48 Jack President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
49 Jack Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
50 Jack Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
51 Jack I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
52 Jack I'd never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
53 Jack I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
54 Jack Stop trying to amuse yourself and start thinking about what makes actual human beings laugh.
55 Jack How was your trip?
56 Jack we've all had to make sacrifices, Kenneth. I had to downsize the Payroll Department to one guy and an envelope stuffing machine.
57 Jack Did you make sure that Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
58 Jack I'm an eleven, but continue.
59 Jack Lemon, what have we done to you? It's okay. Go home and get some rest. I'll take the hit.
60 Jack This is great. You look really relaxed. I'd watch this show.
61 Jack No, I knew right away.
62 Jack I.M. Adouche? Banks! What do you want?
63 Jack Lemon, that is why Dealbreakers is going to work. Because your star is a crazy person. And my star is you.
64 Jack Yes, well, it's really happening for you, Lemon. Between T.G.S. and this, you're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.
65 Jack Weird in a good way, huh. Like going to the gym drunk.
66 Jack Are they? Nancy Donovan. Still so organized. In German class, Mr. Kruger always chose her to sort the students. He was eventually arrested by Israeli commandos. Mm. Look. On the 30th, she took Flight 1470 to R.S.W. He left the next day for C.V.G. They have to be different cities.
67 Jack Oh, what have I done? The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak. Probably having beach sex. Which is the third best sex after elevator and White House.
68 Jack Jonathan, call my car.
69 Jack Devon. Explain the gaybies.
70 Jack Devon is the perfect man to fix TWINKS. He's a gay shark, like the actor who played Jaws.
71 Jack TWINKS could be extremely lucrative. Advertisers covet this demographic. When I was with D'Fwan on Queen of Jordan he spent four thousand on chihuahua outfits. For himself.
72 Jack I thought this was a meeting to discuss your spin off where you do matchmaking for wealthy dogs.
73 Jack Shh... You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.
74 Jack I'll have you know that Barry Diller and I are working on a whole new approach to media, combining all the digital... God! Just let me drink.
75 Jack Bzz... Laser shield.
76 Jack what kind of gun was that?
77 Jack This whole week has been such a bummer.
78 Jack [opens envelope and pulls out collage-card reading: Thanks for the expedition to the museum! Love, Kaylie] This could be me. "Remember Jack Donaghy? He was the world's greatest oceanographer. And we walruses owe him everything for giving us the gift of language."
79 Jack Nothing. She wants to be a marine biologist. Kaylie is playing right into my hands. I also had a youthful fascination with exploration, and I know exactly what any fourteen year old science geek wants to do: practice frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt and meet your idol, like when I met Jacques Cousteau. I will never forget what he said to me. [pause] Ah, I did forget. It was so long ago.
80 Jack Lemon, who thinks gesturing with one's thumbs is for poor people is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? [points to himself with his pinkies] This guy.
81 Jack Absolutely. But it's not your fault. You are genetically predisposed to compete against other women for the attention of strong powerful men like myself or others very similar to me. For example Hercules, the Highlander, or uh, God.
82 Jack We're just friends. It's platonic. I have elaborate fantasies of her husband dying in a boat explosion.
83 Jack Wow, that is inspired. You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
84 Jack Sherry! Excellent. I've been thinking about our conversation earlier. It occurs to me that you are laboring under a fatal misapprehension. You think you have leverage over me, but you don't. I don't care about the baby. I've only known her for a few weeks and other than a fondness for Avery's breasts, Liddy and I have nothing in common. She is one of two people ever to have thrown up on me and I haven't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras. What's more, I don't think Liddy looks like me, so evolutionarily that makes me want to eat her. In other words, either you take a pay cut or go and look for another job. Who has the leverage now, Sherry? Your move.
85 Jack Meanwhile I just got worked over by my Trinidadian night nurse. I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. I spoke first, I smiles, I negotiated with myself. If I had done that during a mock negotiation in business school, Professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class. Bare bottomed.
86 Jack I'm not saying that what you do isn't important. Avery and I appreciate you and Liddy just adores you, but let's just say you're at the market buying potatoes, and that ten pound bag of potatoes costs... four hundred dollars. But then the... grocery concierge tells you that a five pound bag of potatoes costs four hundred dollars, well that would be shocking, right? Because a five pound bag should only cost two hundred dollars.
87 Jack It's complicated. These women run your household so you have to keep them happy which means not saying anything as your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas. But as soon as I'm out of the woods, Lemon, I'll take care of this... latest... dysfunction.
88 Jack Thank you for your input, Lorne, but Avery and I want out daughter be born in American so that one day she can become President and declare war on Germany like back when we were awesome.
89 Jack Look, Avery. You and I are cut from the same cloth. It's one of the reasons we work so well, and why we're unbeatable at a three-legged race.
90 Jack Have a nice trip, Lemon. Break out those underpants, but be careful: dating yourself is a double-edged sword. It means you also share the same flaws.
91 Jack Avery and I are also having a little romantic weekend together. Before the baby comes we're going to Toronto for the G8 Economic Summit. It's going to be... very erotic.
92 Jack [opens envelope and reads letter] "You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant?" [hands Liz an envelope]
93 Jack The problem is that Avery is very close to being named the financial reporter for NBC Nightly News. If anyone finds out she's pregnant she won't get the job.
94 Jack You're cleared for approach.
95 Jack No, I'm not crying in front of Jack Welch. Neutron Jack. And I'm not giving up. Don Geiss wanted this company kept intact. And these people are from Philadelphia!
96 Jack Distancing myself? That man is my mentor. He taught me how to command a room with my voice.
97 Jack Hear me out. Yes, I'm talking about doubling pay-per-view profits while cutting out the middle man. But I'm also talking about American businessmen doing what they were born to do. Make things. We've stopped making and become a country of consumers. Well, I, for one, am done consuming. And I'm ready to make.
98 Jack Exactly. So what if women had a pay-per-view channel featuring handsome men patiently listening to them? What if they had... porn for women?
99 Jack Don said that no business is ever done evolving. That there are always opportunities for innovation. That you can always... You can always find new customers. I... I'm sorry. But I've just had an amazing business idea. You'll have to excuse me.
100 Jack Welcome all to the memorial service / freezing for Donald H. Geiss. You were the last of a dying breed, sir. I'll never forget the first thing he ever said to me. ''These are all hookers. Pick one.'' Then after we picked our hookers and the plane took off, he told me his business philosophy. There's always an untapped market. Don was the one who realized there was a whole segment of consumers not buying light bulbs. The asleep. That realization led him to develop the nightlight and the marketing campaign aimed at making children afraid of the dark. ''A monster under every bed.''
101 Jack So, Dave, tell me all about KableTown. What's their business strategy? Revenue streams? Do they have a preferred side of the head for parting your hair? Because I've been Continental for years, but I'm willing to go Western.
102 Jack Before I take your questions, I'd like to say a few words about Don Geiss. The world has lost a giant. He built G.E. into the greatest company on Earth and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe. For those of you wishing to pay your respects, there will be an Episcopal cryogenic freezing service open to all Six Sigma black belts and higher.
103 Jack I'd like to welcome everyone to this N.B.C. Employee Town Hall Meeting and thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules.
104 Jack I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton, I was in a secret society. I shouldn't tell you this, but one time, we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box, and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that it was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English. Like all Dartmouth men.
105 Jack Typical liberal media. That's why I get all my news from Dick Cheney's website, dickviews.com.
106 Jack Lemon, I am successful romantically because I am confident, open, and positive. You are negative, pessimistic, and in danger of becoming permanently sour.
107 Jack And I think we can both conclude that we finished Q-one with better than expected results. And I can promise that my performance will improve, especially if you're a little more flexible on your end.
108 Jack Is that supposed to be a broom? Anchor the handle. There it is.
109 Jack Like in Top Gun.
110 Jack Avery actually tried to get on board. Later that night, she put some mothballs behind her ears and fed me peppermints.
111 Jack Very different, indeed. Like a cantaloupe... and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.
112 Jack No, I want this. Sure, I thought it would happen later in life and that you would be Anne Hathaway's granddaughter, but I've always wanted this. But maybe it's too hard. The career, motherhood...
113 Jack I know it's possible. But at some point, you have to choose, Paul. You can't delude yourself with thoughts like, ''Maybe they'd be into a group marriage,'' or ''What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman, like a s'more you could take a shower with?''
114 Jack Of history! In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the sixties were awesome or not?
115 Jack Colleen did not see it as a blessing. She saw it as an embarrassment because my girlfriend Avery and I are not married.
116 Jack No. I believe that when you have a problem you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind-vice. But for lesser being like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help. And Lemon, I want you to get better. Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.
117 Jack There's no such thing. The New York Times is owned by NYT Incorporated which is owned by Altheon Ballistic Dynamics which is owned by the Murdoch family who are owned... by Halliburton.
118 Jack Yeah.
119 Jack Oh, now you're telling me my Tricia's not good enough for you? SHE'S AN ANGEL! I tell ya what, I'm getting my brothers and we're comin over there, and we're gonna kick your ass so --
120 Jack It's a symbiotic relationship. I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, and you are a remora, clinging to me with your suction cup head. I give you a free ride and in exchange you, uh... eat my parasites.
121 Jack Co-worker slash little brother.
122 Jack Then I'm afraid you're on your own, Jenna. You have failed the test of intelligence.
123 Jack Uh, maybe Avery is a little emotional these days. She's put in considerable boob weight. She's not used to that and sometimes she... just falls over. It's stressful. But she might have a point about us. M- Maybe it is inappropriate for you to still come to me with every little problem in your life.
124 Jack Lemon, uh, I'm sorry. If this is about a personal matter we can't discuss it.
125 Jack Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess.
126 Jack [flashback 7] I'm sorry. I was going to say climax.
127 Jack You go in there, you grab Carol, you take him into one of those unisex family bathrooms, pull down that diaper changing thing... and go to town on him.
128 Jack No. But she respects it when it's done correctly. Lemon, you may be witnessing history here. Making it through a full twenty four hours without a single misstep is called "Reaganing." The only other people who've ever done it: Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and -- no judement -- Saddam Hussein. So, what have you got for me?
129 Jack Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show: we put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals... that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it "Child Hell Flight."
130 Jack Well, don't worry. For me, drinking has always been about the ritual, so I just have to replace the ritual. And, uh, Avery got me this nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn, and a book on, uh, slight-of-hand magic. [takes out a little red ball and sings] Dah duh dah dah duh dah dah duh duh, dah duh dah dah duh dah duh dah, dah dah dun duh dun duh --
131 Jack Why are you better looking in your memory?
132 Jack Good God, I can see every line and pore in your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.
133 Jack l've already sold $20 million worth of ad time for ''Seinfeld-Vision,'' and now Jerry wants to pull the plug. But l don't care, because l thrive in crisis mode. lt's when l'm really at my best. And the fact that l do not have one idea how to solve this only energizes me more. l've been brainstorming all night. Here we go. Number one -- Kill Seinfeld. Number two -- Kill Seinfeld, then kill myself. Number three -- Kill Seinfeld, flee to Svenborgia, then kill myself.
134 Jack [to a video camera] Son, I may not be there for your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that. But I want to offer you one piece of fatherly advice: do not hire Sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it's just... demoralizing.
135 Jack Welcome to adulthood. As for me I have successfully retreated for another day. When Avery got home from work I noticed that she had some paint samples in her purse, so I immediately asked her if her sister had done anything crazy lately and guess what -- she had. Avery talked about that for an hour, her anger eventually transforming into some rather... interesting sex and now she's sleeping peacefully, while Fabius has retreated to his den where he is drinking scotch and playing Snood.
136 Jack I saw it Lemon. My whole life passing before my eyes. Neil Patterson pitching me the rotating microwave tray. Me personally coining the phrase "what's the upside." Participating in hands across America. And all the time I've been on this earth I have only one regret: I should have worked more.
137 Jack Why are you crying -- Did the Liberty lose again?
138 Jack Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry … is just another way to rap.
139 Jack ....Pilates instructors, acrobats.
140 Jack What are these, your, uh, bike shorts?
141 Jack Oh, Just to know she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.
142 Jack What do you know.
143 Jack Is Jenna with Gerhardt?
144 Jack You speak German?
145 Jack You're kidding, right?
146 Jack I'll have the wardrobe department pull a dress for you. I just thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with a, um..... different class of people.
147 Jack Yes. This will be good for you. You finally got Dennis out of your life. You're even wearing lipstick.
148 Jack Prince Gerhardt is the last male descendant of the imperial house of Hapsburg. They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire, The Defenestration of Prague. Uh, Lemon, what exactly did you study in college?
149 Jack No. I want you to come with me.
150 Jack No, You’re on a plane to Boston tomorrow, Tray, we have a laboratory they're experimenting in tattoo removal. It promises to be one of our biggest profit centers once today’s generation finally sobers up.
151 Jack That’s a sharp tie you’ve got there Dennis.
152 Jack Your turkey sub, your clothes, the fact that a women of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo, or maybe it’s the fact that while I’m saying all this, you have a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair. This is the unlisted number of Stone, the most exclusive restaurant in the city, currently. I think it’s time that you start enjoying some of the finer things in life.
153 Jack Oh no, no. GE could never make something so um, unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado which in turn owns JMI of Stanford, which is a majority share holder of pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company, which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works, which own the Ahp Chanagi Party Meats Corporation of Pyong Yang, North Korea. And they, will make the Meat Machine.
154 Jack Well if you insist on going all Murphy Brown on me, let me give you a tip. Don't smother your child with affection to compensate for not having a man in your life. Don't say you're the only man I'll ever love, even babies know that's creepy.
155 Jack So I was doing some research on comedy. And I came across the cartoon strip Dilbert. It was quite good. And I was wondering if we can do that.
156 Jack The Italians have a saying, Lemon. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” And though they’ve never won a war, or mass produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct. In five years we will all be either working for him, or dead by his hand.
157 Jack Will you, little Kenneth Ellen Parcell From Stone Mountain, Georgia. Growing up in your mama’s tract house. Dreaming of working on a TV show. Dreaming of making all the way to the NBC?
158 Jack Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man’s game.
159 Jack What are you talking about? Everyone loved your little Lemon party. Nothing brings a team together like a harrowing experience. You pulled it off.
160 Jack Yeah, I think we did.
161 Jack I cast that cat myself.
162 Jack That’s how you should dress for work by the way.
163 Jack I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
164 Jack Sure. I got you. New York third-wave feminist, college educated, single and pretending to be happy about it, over scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says "healthy body image" on the cover, and every two years you take up knitting for... a week.
165 Jack They're Boston Irish Catholic. They mate for life, like swans. Like drunk, angry swans.
166 Jack I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight.
167 Jack Well I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued so uh … well done, Lemon.
168 Jack So naturally, you came to me because this company is just the two of us.
169 Jack The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
170 Jack Elizabeth...Lemon.
171 Jack It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
172 Jack Not only is your fly open, there's a pencil sticking out of it.
173 Jack Reality TV. A woman with hundruplets, a live execution, the Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
174 Jack Damn you, Tracy Jr.
175 Jack Two questions. Must I live by Superman's moral code? And will the sex woman get older?
176 Jack Do TV and no one will ever take you seriously again. It doesn't matter how big a movie star you are, even if you had the kind of career where you walked away from a blockbuster franchise or worked with Meryl Streep or Anthony Hopkins, made important movies about things like civil rights or Pearl Harbor, stole films with supporting roles and then turned around and blew them away on Broadway. None of that will matter once you do television. You could win ever award in sight. Be the biggest thing on the small screen and you'll still get laughed out of the Vanity Fair Oscar party by Greg Kinnear. Tracy, your career hit rock bottom the first time you decided to do TGS. You want it to hit rock bottom again? Go on network television.
177 Jack Your audience has spent the last hour listening to Kenneth tell cleaned up versions of Garrison Keillor stories.
178 Jack Okay, here is the honest truth. You're better at this than Oprah.
179 Jack I get it. Treat her like The New York Times treats its readers.
180 Jack Great, now we're perfect. What if we changed your name to Veronica St. Pierre? No, that's too much. Your hair is fine.
181 Jack Good Lord, I've ''Lemoned'' this situation with Nancy. I've got to erase that message.
182 Jack Oh! Of course. Liddy, she is adorable. My night nurse swears she calls me "coschelle," which is Trinidadian creole means "stranger."
183 Jack When we were on the DL we spent most of our time in the whirlpool getting rubbed down.
184 Jack This isn't the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're G.E., damn it. And we're going to make a giant, flimsy microwave.
185 Jack Yes and no. Yes, that did happen. No, it didn't not happen.
186 Jack Let's go find a Canadian who will take our money.
187 Jack It was reality TV. It can be good, it can be terrible, it just can't be anything in between.
188 Jack Well, I'm glad you're trying. But I wish you didn't have to. Lemon, are you wearing a cup?
189 Jack I was saying, ''Oh, Nana.'' Have I not told you about my grandmother fetish?
190 Jack Oh, my. I haven't seen your brow that furrowed since you saw that picture of Helen Mirren in a bikini.
191 Jack That's great. ''You know what? Sometimes, I think...'' That's really annoying. I'm going to use that. You're the best.
192 Jack That's absurd, Lemon. The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am. I do do.
193 Jack Oh Lemon, please. Money can't buy happiness. It IS happiness.
194 Jack Let’s just say she’s a high ranking African American member of the Bush Administration.
195 Jack Oh sure, then we can sit around and braid each others hair until we get our periods at the same time. Lemon, you're a supervisor. These people are not your friends.
196 Jack No, no hi-def. Uh... because of the camera. The, uh, ''gobos'' are really ''moraying''. Right, Pete?
197 Jack Oh, I can’t. I’m expecting a call from 1983.
198 Jack Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?
199 Jack Lemon, I am hemorrhaging money right now.
200 Jack I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
201 Jack Haven't we? Operation "Righteous Cowboy Lightning" is a go.
202 Jack You look like a prison weed dealer.
203 Jack A smug, 40-year-old bridesmaid. What a treat for everyone. Yes, Lemon, I am with Nancy now.
204 Jack That does happen to men. I've faced it myself, with Greta Van Susteren BEFORE her head transplant. You know, why don't I call Carol--
205 Jack No. You are the spider. I am the sun. I dry up all the rain.
206 Jack San Francisco? I asked you to find an actor from middle America. A real person. You're not going to find him in the ''People's Gay-public of Drugifornia''.
207 Jack Home run, Lemon. And speaking of baseball metaphors I see that someone got to first base which is what I consider sex with a stranger.
208 Jack No, I am not. I am ''innoventing''. A word that I just ''innovented''.
209 Jack All right, Donaghy. Follow your heart. Hard Equations And Rational Thinking. Damn you, HEART.
210 Jack Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say sock it to me.
211 Jack I know. I broke it. I needed to speak with you and I knew that was the fastest way to get you up here.
212 Jack [subtitle: Jack, Tracy's Gay Boss] I think I made my point.
213 Jack Thank you, Lemon. I'd like to help but I'm afraid My Hands Are Tied... is the only show anyone's watching on TWINKS.
214 Jack Okay, it's a car. we've invented the Pontiac Aztek.
215 Jack Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone. I am very angry and sleepy.
216 Jack Well, that will really disappoint your key demographic of drunken 11-year-olds.
217 Jack Avery, can you walk yet?
218 Jack No we aren't. I was wrong. Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... frowny face.
219 Jack Me plus you equals frowny face.
220 Jack I didn't lie, Kenneth. I massaged the truth. what do you need to move past this?
221 Jack Nancy, I'm sorry, the audio's bad. Jonathan, why do I have an Indian assistant if my computer is always...
222 Jack Of course. You know, I learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for G.E. Medical. We are going to test poisons on you.
223 Jack I called the concierge service with my Amex Invisible Card. There are no rental cars. The trains and buses are sold out.
224 Jack Subhas, thank you for coming in and for showing me your, uh, special book. More men in it than I would have expected.
225 Jack Winona Rider in a hundred years.
226 Jack Who told Tracy about anagrams? l'm gonna call Dr. Spaceman.
227 Jack Those are the stupidest fist names l've ever heard.
228 Jack I know this sounds ugly, but with Manhattan real estate, there are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian airport.
229 Jack That's okay. She's tough. We do a lot of pirate-themed sexual role play. I'm a parrot.
230 Jack I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.
231 Jack But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians.
232 Jack Lemon. Lemon! Is there any news about Tracy?
233 Jack It's your only move, Lemon. Sometimes the way back up is down. Let me tell you a story. It's 1 994. I went ice climbing, and I fell into a crevasse. I hurt my leg, and I couldn't climb back up. So fighting every natural instinct, doing the thing that seemed most awful to me, I climbed down into the darkness. And that's how I got out. when I got back to base camp, I went and found my fellow climber, the one who had cut me loose after I fell. And I said, ''Connie Chung, you did the right thing.''
234 Jack It's true. It was love at first sight. I ache for her sexually. How could I not? I'm entranced by those... mud-colored eyes, set back in that skin. And her laugh. Her walk. That splay-footed walk. And that... whole situation. Right there. And Oh... Moustache. Good God, Lemon.
235 Jack If you were a man, you would have to register yourself as a sex criminal. I'm taking Danny back.
236 Jack Every day we give you a hundred dollars for cab fare home. Do you realize what you're doing to me, Sherry? You're unravelling the very fabric of who I am. I negotiate for a living, and I never lose. And now I have to go negotiate with my colleagues at Kabletown after having been reamed by a woman wearing Winnie the Pooh hospital pants. I don't have what you have, Sherry. A brand new baby that they've poured time and money and love into. Some helpless, pathetic, useless thing that would die if left alo- Oh God, I do have that. I have NBC!
237 Jack I want to help you, Lemon, but this is not the week. Avery's maternity was cut short so she could go cover the collapse of Greece's banking system. Since inventing democracy those guys have been... coasting.
238 Jack I'm going to bury Don Geiss, America and hope.
239 Jack [applauds with Jonathan and crew] Fantastic, Jenna. You really brought the songwriting computer's words to life.
240 Jack I know it's gay. But it's my gay problem. And I'm handling it.
241 Jack And she always wears high heels, because, according to her, flat shoes are for quitters.
242 Jack Mother, you must remember Milton Greene? My father and your... shameful sex secret!
243 Jack He can't handle that. Look at his head shape. He has no brainpan!
244 Jack I. Wish. I. Was. More. Of. A. Free. Spirit. Like. You. Now. Freestyle. Rap. For. Me.
245 Jack [gasps] Lesbian Mario Brothers!
246 Jack You're being awful high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband DROWNED so she could get out of a gym contract. The whole Kabletown deal is resting on this and Austin is pro-business.
247 Jack Why not? Tricia told me you have a forty year old daughter. What's wrong with her?
248 Jack I’ll try to remember that when you and I meet with him later.
249 Jack Oh, good lord, Lemon, let it go. That's never going to happen. I've been with beauty queens...
250 Jack Lemon, I want to thank you, for showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my own age.