Jack's Top 250 Quotes

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1 Jack I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
2 Jack I cast that cat myself.
3 Jack Oh sure, then we can sit around and braid each others hair until we get our periods at the same time. Lemon, you're a supervisor. These people are not your friends.
4 Jack What are you talking about? Everyone loved your little Lemon party. Nothing brings a team together like a harrowing experience. You pulled it off.
5 Jack Well, then you best go home and put on your daddy's shoes, boy. This is a man’s game.
6 Jack You've come a long way, haven't you, Kenneth Ellen, with your cheap loafers and your page jacket? But You’ll always be a pig farmer's son, boy, cause I smell fried baloney all over you.
7 Jack The Italians have a saying, Lemon. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” And though they’ve never won a war, or mass produced a decent car, in this area, they are correct. In five years we will all be either working for him, or dead by his hand.
8 Jack If you don’t mind, I think we all really laughed at Fart Nuggets so can we just move on, please
9 Jack You know what I like about you. Those eyes. You have those black shark’s eyes. You know, very intense.
10 Jack Hello. For over 100 years, G.E. has been imagining the future today. And I'm here to talk to you today about a wonderful new synergy. It's called product integration. It's revolutionizing the way we monetize broadcast television. How does it work? Simple. All you have to do as the writing staff of an NBC show is incorporate positive mentions, or "pos-mens," of G.E. products into your program. For example, you could write an episode where one of your characters purchases and is satisfied with... one of G.E.'s direct-current drilling motors for an offshore or land based project. Product integration -- setting a new standard in upward revenue-stream dynamics... for all of us.
11 Jack Your turkey sub, your clothes, the fact that a women of your resources and position lives like some boxcar hobo, or maybe it’s the fact that while I’m saying all this, you have a piece of lettuce stuck in your hair. This is the unlisted number of Stone, the most exclusive restaurant in the city, currently. I think it’s time that you start enjoying some of the finer things in life.
12 Jack The Beeper King. Really?
13 Jack Does he know you’re the Beeper King?
14 Jack Oh, I can’t. I’m expecting a call from 1983.
15 Jack It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?
16 Jack No. I want you to come with me.
17 Jack Prince Gerhardt is the last male descendant of the imperial house of Hapsburg. They ruled the Austro-Hungarian Empire, The Defenestration of Prague. Uh, Lemon, what exactly did you study in college?
18 Jack Yes. This will be good for you. You finally got Dennis out of your life. You're even wearing lipstick.
19 Jack I'll have the wardrobe department pull a dress for you. I just thought maybe you'd like to spend some time with a, um..... different class of people.
20 Jack That's what your mom said to me last night! Booyah!
21 Jack Damm it. I was told she was on Paris. Party of the year that women turns up, and I'm all alone.
22 Jack Yes of course. Uh, This is my live-in girlfriend, Lemon.
23 Jack Elizabeth...Lemon.
24 Jack Beyonce.
25 Jack You're kidding, right?
26 Jack Okay, Easy there, Jackie Chan. Yeah. Be careful.
27 Jack You speak German?
28 Jack Is Jenna with Gerhardt?
29 Jack What do you know.
30 Jack When Gerhardt was born, the doctor told his mother and cousin that he would either live for 15 minutes or 100 years. Boy, he proved them all wrong.
31 Jack The look on Bianca's face just before she choked you. That was the most satisfying thing.
32 Jack Oh, Just to know she's filled with bile over me warms my heart.
33 Jack What are these, your, uh, bike shorts?
34 Jack Lemon, I want to thank you, for showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my own age.
35 Jack Oh, good lord, Lemon, let it go. That's never going to happen. I've been with beauty queens...
36 Jack ....Pilates instructors, acrobats.
37 Jack Come on.
38 Jack I had lunch with Martha Stewart and dinner with her daughter Alexis.
39 Jack Lemon, I would like to teach you something. I would like to be Michelle Pfeiffer to your angry black kid who learns that poetry … is just another way to rap.
40 Jack Let’s just say she’s a high ranking African American member of the Bush Administration.
41 Jack Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say sock it to me.
42 Jack You're the only person I know who wouldn't hesitate to pull the plug. So when are you going to Cleveland?
43 Jack [to a video camera] Son, I may not be there for your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that. But I want to offer you one piece of fatherly advice: do not hire Sting to play the reception. He'll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it's just... demoralizing.
44 Jack Winona Rider in a hundred years.
45 Jack The only thing I will be discussing with the House Subcommittee on Baseball, Quiz Shows, Terrorism, and Media is vertical integration.
46 Jack And so do I. If you just give me a chance instead of ambushing me in front of the Congress and my own employees! You think I don't take diversity seriously? Only a fool doesn't. Diversity is the engine that drives this country. We are an immigrant nation! The first generation works their fingers to the bone making things, the next generation goes to college and innovates new ideas, the third generation... snowboards and takes improv classes. We always need people who are pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. I did it. And it's my job to help others do it, too.
47 Jack Good God, I can see every line and pore in your face. It looks like a YMCA climbing wall.
48 Jack Why are you better looking in your memory?
49 Jack Well, don't worry. For me, drinking has always been about the ritual, so I just have to replace the ritual. And, uh, Avery got me this nice tea set, some knitting needles and yarn, and a book on, uh, slight-of-hand magic. [takes out a little red ball and sings] Dah duh dah dah duh dah dah duh duh, dah duh dah dah duh dah duh dah, dah dah dun duh dun duh --
50 Jack Oh, you can't do that. The Capital One Venture Card is amazing! They give double miles every day for every purchase.
51 Jack Listen, Greg, I've got the next big reality show: we put a bunch of people on a plane, fly them over the Atlantic, then Tom Bergeron comes out and reveals... that the pilot is a six year old boy. We call it "Child Hell Flight."
52 Jack No. But she respects it when it's done correctly. Lemon, you may be witnessing history here. Making it through a full twenty four hours without a single misstep is called "Reaganing." The only other people who've ever done it: Lee Iacocca, Jack Welch, and -- no judement -- Saddam Hussein. So, what have you got for me?
53 Jack I'll drop you off at the airport then I'll swing by MSNBC. I have to talk to Rachel Maddow. Only one of us can have this haircut.
54 Jack That does happen to men. I've faced it myself, with Greta Van Susteren BEFORE her head transplant. You know, why don't I call Carol--
55 Jack That would be a mistake, Lemon. Yes, you are the sexual equivalent of a million Hindenburgs, but you deserve someone like Carol in your life, and he deserves you becuase -- and I'm only going to say this once a decade -- you're great. You're Liz Lemon, dammit. In certain lights you're an "eight," using East Coast Over Thirty-Five standards, excluding Miami.
56 Jack You go in there, you grab Carol, you take him into one of those unisex family bathrooms, pull down that diaper changing thing... and go to town on him.
57 Jack I appreciate that, Lemon, but if you ever speak ill of Reagan again, I will smack those teeth straight.
58 Jack [flashback 7] I'm sorry. I was going to say climax.
59 Jack Lemon went to middle school with a Charlotte who used to rub herself against a tree during recess.
60 Jack No. She's more than that. I don't choose my mentees lightly. They have to have the drive and ambition to be worth my time. The intelligence to understand the challenges they're going to face. The humility to accept my help. And finally, a life that is a bottomless swamp of chaos. Drive, intelligence, humility, chaos, or the acryonym DIHC. I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm going to take it wherever I can find it.
61 Jack Co-worker slash little brother.
62 Jack It's a symbiotic relationship. I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, and you are a remora, clinging to me with your suction cup head. I give you a free ride and in exchange you, uh... eat my parasites.
63 Jack I'm Trisha's boyfriend, you scumbag. She told me what happened with youze last night. Now I'm gonna come and find you and I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you're going to be throwing up my toenails.
64 Jack Oh, now you're telling me my Tricia's not good enough for you? SHE'S AN ANGEL! I tell ya what, I'm getting my brothers and we're comin over there, and we're gonna kick your ass so --
65 Jack How DARE you hang up on me. I'm a corrupt cop, my brother's a corrupt fireman. He's gonna SET YOU ON FIRE and I'm not going to investigate it.
66 Jack Why not? Tricia told me you have a forty year old daughter. What's wrong with her?
67 Jack Yeah.
68 Jack That's got to be removed.
69 Jack Good God! Lemon, those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter!
70 Jack You're being awful high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband DROWNED so she could get out of a gym contract. The whole Kabletown deal is resting on this and Austin is pro-business.
71 Jack [gasps] Lesbian Mario Brothers!
72 Jack Letting morality get in the way of making money. I might as well go and... [whispers] be a teacher.
73 Jack Thank you. But yes, I've had to work my entire life. It began when my father left and I started working on the Boston docks as a twelve year old stevedore. "Bales up, you micks! Bales up!"
74 Jack Oh Lemon, please. Money can't buy happiness. It IS happiness.
75 Jack I. Wish. I. Was. More. Of. A. Free. Spirit. Like. You. Now. Freestyle. Rap. For. Me.
76 Jack No. I believe that when you have a problem you talk it over with your priest or your tailor or the mute elevator porter at your men's club. Then you take that problem and crush it with your mind-vice. But for lesser being like curly-haired men and people who need glasses, therapy can help. And Lemon, I want you to get better. Because, and I mean this, I'm tired of talking this much to a woman I'm not having sex with.
77 Jack He can't handle that. Look at his head shape. He has no brainpan!
78 Jack A parent is the one person who is supposed to make their kid think they can do anything. Says they're beautiful even when they're ugly. Thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State. Let the rest of the world tear your kid down. Your job is to support him no matter what. Tracy believes in you, Donald. Go and make him proud.
79 Jack Mother, you must remember Milton Greene? My father and your... shameful sex secret!
80 Jack It's possible. Haven't you ever read Archie comics?
81 Jack I know it's possible. But at some point, you have to choose, Paul. You can't delude yourself with thoughts like, ''Maybe they'd be into a group marriage,'' or ''What if I could somehow combine them into one perfect woman, like a s'more you could take a shower with?''
82 Jack A smug, 40-year-old bridesmaid. What a treat for everyone. Yes, Lemon, I am with Nancy now.
83 Jack That's absurd, Lemon. The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am. I do do.
84 Jack No, I want this. Sure, I thought it would happen later in life and that you would be Anne Hathaway's granddaughter, but I've always wanted this. But maybe it's too hard. The career, motherhood...
85 Jack That's great. ''You know what? Sometimes, I think...'' That's really annoying. I'm going to use that. You're the best.
86 Jack Very different, indeed. Like a cantaloupe... and a Ziploc bag of mushroom soup.
87 Jack I know it's gay. But it's my gay problem. And I'm handling it.
88 Jack Oh, my God. Look, Avery, you know how I feel. So I'm going to skip the part where I deny anything. Then you skip the part where you yell at me. And then we both move on to the, uh, make-up sex.
89 Jack And I forgive you. Come here. I'm sorry, but these tactics have worked on stupider women.
90 Jack I was saying, ''Oh, Nana.'' Have I not told you about my grandmother fetish?
91 Jack All right, Donaghy. Follow your heart. Hard Equations And Rational Thinking. Damn you, HEART.
92 Jack Okay, in my defense, every April 22nd I honor Richard Nixon's death by getting drunk and making some unpopular decisions.
93 Jack Okay, uh, calm down... ...Khonani. I understand that I made you a promise, and we're going to keep it. Because this is N.B.C. The Biggest Loser network.
94 Jack Subhas, thank you for coming in and for showing me your, uh, special book. More men in it than I would have expected.
95 Jack No, I am not. I am ''innoventing''. A word that I just ''innovented''.
96 Jack N.B.C. It's fresh.
97 Jack I can't. Damn it, I can't. Don't you think I know what it's like to have two amazing people who both want the same thing? I do. And with Nancy and Avery, I'm the thing, Khonani. I'm the trash shift.
98 Jack And I think we can both conclude that we finished Q-one with better than expected results. And I can promise that my performance will improve, especially if you're a little more flexible on your end.
99 Jack You look like a prison weed dealer.
100 Jack Well, I'm glad you're trying. But I wish you didn't have to. Lemon, are you wearing a cup?
101 Jack Lemon, I am successful romantically because I am confident, open, and positive. You are negative, pessimistic, and in danger of becoming permanently sour.
102 Jack Typical liberal media. That's why I get all my news from Dick Cheney's website, dickviews.com.
103 Jack I'm no stranger to the art of japery. At Princeton, I was in a secret society. I shouldn't tell you this, but one time, we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box, and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that it was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English. Like all Dartmouth men.
104 Jack They're Boston Irish Catholic. They mate for life, like swans. Like drunk, angry swans.
105 Jack Reality TV. A woman with hundruplets, a live execution, the Real Transvestite Hoarders of Orange County Penitentiary.
106 Jack [applauds with Jonathan and crew] Fantastic, Jenna. You really brought the songwriting computer's words to life.
107 Jack Haven't we? Operation "Righteous Cowboy Lightning" is a go.
108 Jack It was reality TV. It can be good, it can be terrible, it just can't be anything in between.
109 Jack Before I take your questions, I'd like to say a few words about Don Geiss. The world has lost a giant. He built G.E. into the greatest company on Earth and the Earth into one of the top three planets in the universe. For those of you wishing to pay your respects, there will be an Episcopal cryogenic freezing service open to all Six Sigma black belts and higher.
110 Jack So, Dave, tell me all about KableTown. What's their business strategy? Revenue streams? Do they have a preferred side of the head for parting your hair? Because I've been Continental for years, but I'm willing to go Western.
111 Jack I'm going to bury Don Geiss, America and hope.
112 Jack Welcome all to the memorial service / freezing for Donald H. Geiss. You were the last of a dying breed, sir. I'll never forget the first thing he ever said to me. ''These are all hookers. Pick one.'' Then after we picked our hookers and the plane took off, he told me his business philosophy. There's always an untapped market. Don was the one who realized there was a whole segment of consumers not buying light bulbs. The asleep. That realization led him to develop the nightlight and the marketing campaign aimed at making children afraid of the dark. ''A monster under every bed.''
113 Jack Don said that no business is ever done evolving. That there are always opportunities for innovation. That you can always... You can always find new customers. I... I'm sorry. But I've just had an amazing business idea. You'll have to excuse me.
114 Jack Hear me out. Yes, I'm talking about doubling pay-per-view profits while cutting out the middle man. But I'm also talking about American businessmen doing what they were born to do. Make things. We've stopped making and become a country of consumers. Well, I, for one, am done consuming. And I'm ready to make.
115 Jack Because it's romantic and I'm really good at it. But this is strictly professional. I saw Don Geiss' schedule. And you're right. There is something going on. And I know where.
116 Jack Sir, I- I- I mean Hank. I appreciate you have your way of doing things, but so do I. I am a Six Sigma Black Belt Ultra with the groin branding to prove it.
117 Jack Unmute! [TV unmutes]
118 Jack [ducks, puts Kenneth in a choke hold and knocks his out] Oh damn my Krav Maga training and lighting reflexes. [to Kenneth] Release me you hillbilly Circe!
119 Jack You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant?
120 Jack [opens envelope and reads letter] "You're going to Nags Head? Isn't that redundant?" [hands Liz an envelope]
121 Jack Avery and I are also having a little romantic weekend together. Before the baby comes we're going to Toronto for the G8 Economic Summit. It's going to be... very erotic.
122 Jack Have a nice trip, Lemon. Break out those underpants, but be careful: dating yourself is a double-edged sword. It means you also share the same flaws.
123 Jack Not only is your fly open, there's a pencil sticking out of it.
124 Jack Good God! She'll be Canadian.
125 Jack I called the concierge service with my Amex Invisible Card. There are no rental cars. The trains and buses are sold out.
126 Jack Look, Avery. You and I are cut from the same cloth. It's one of the reasons we work so well, and why we're unbeatable at a three-legged race.
127 Jack Avery, maybe it isn't the end of the world if our daughter is Canadian. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies, and he went on to-
128 Jack Yes, my daughter is Canadian-American, but I'm going to treat her just like a human baby. We tried to get back home, Lemon, in a meth lab. Avery and I fed each other's craziness, but one of us was brave enough to step back-
129 Jack Avery, can you walk yet?
130 Jack Let's go find a Canadian who will take our money.
131 Jack [enters] Lemon, a word? Hang on. Recent breakup. Fanny pack. Cat. Quick, who's the lead character on NCIS?
132 Jack It's complicated. These women run your household so you have to keep them happy which means not saying anything as your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas. But as soon as I'm out of the woods, Lemon, I'll take care of this... latest... dysfunction.
133 Jack I'm not saying that what you do isn't important. Avery and I appreciate you and Liddy just adores you, but let's just say you're at the market buying potatoes, and that ten pound bag of potatoes costs... four hundred dollars. But then the... grocery concierge tells you that a five pound bag of potatoes costs four hundred dollars, well that would be shocking, right? Because a five pound bag should only cost two hundred dollars.
134 Jack Meanwhile I just got worked over by my Trinidadian night nurse. I made every mistake you can in a negotiation. I spoke first, I smiles, I negotiated with myself. If I had done that during a mock negotiation in business school, Professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class. Bare bottomed.
135 Jack Sherry! Excellent. I've been thinking about our conversation earlier. It occurs to me that you are laboring under a fatal misapprehension. You think you have leverage over me, but you don't. I don't care about the baby. I've only known her for a few weeks and other than a fondness for Avery's breasts, Liddy and I have nothing in common. She is one of two people ever to have thrown up on me and I haven't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras. What's more, I don't think Liddy looks like me, so evolutionarily that makes me want to eat her. In other words, either you take a pay cut or go and look for another job. Who has the leverage now, Sherry? Your move.
136 Jack Every day we give you a hundred dollars for cab fare home. Do you realize what you're doing to me, Sherry? You're unravelling the very fabric of who I am. I negotiate for a living, and I never lose. And now I have to go negotiate with my colleagues at Kabletown after having been reamed by a woman wearing Winnie the Pooh hospital pants. I don't have what you have, Sherry. A brand new baby that they've poured time and money and love into. Some helpless, pathetic, useless thing that would die if left alo- Oh God, I do have that. I have NBC!
137 Jack [continues eating orange] So. What you wanna do?
138 Jack Home run, Lemon. And speaking of baseball metaphors I see that someone got to first base which is what I consider sex with a stranger.
139 Jack [flashback to Jack's office] [TV has bullet points: Star Wars, Fried Food, Bagging on Movies, Malarkey] It's white wine, ice cubes, and Sprite. She calls it "funky juice."
140 Jack I've got to look camera ready tonight. I'm being interviewed on C.N.B.C. Have you ever watched The Hot Box with Avery Jessup?
141 Jack Wow, that is inspired. You are truly the Picasso of loneliness.
142 Jack Of course. You know, I learned to talk to gorillas when I worked for G.E. Medical. We are going to test poisons on you.
143 Jack It's set to Geneva time. Last night, Avery saw right through my conference call move. Today, she sent this. ''Hopefully, you won't make the same mistake again, 'mon se poivre That means ''my salt and pepper'' in Swiss French.
144 Jack What? No, people do not change. In the late 90s, I thought Colleen had become a better person. It turns out she had a tumor pressing on her brain's pleasure center. A tumor those quack doctors removed.
145 Jack Nancy, I'm sorry, the audio's bad. Jonathan, why do I have an Indian assistant if my computer is always...
146 Jack Well, that will really disappoint your key demographic of drunken 11-year-olds.
147 Jack Then find someone else. I recommend Lutz. Why do I always want to choke that guy?
148 Jack Have another open house. I bet someone offers cash this time.
149 Jack Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them you end up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.
150 Jack Lemon, who thinks gesturing with one's thumbs is for poor people is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? [points to himself with his pinkies] This guy.
151 Jack Nothing. She wants to be a marine biologist. Kaylie is playing right into my hands. I also had a youthful fascination with exploration, and I know exactly what any fourteen year old science geek wants to do: practice frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt and meet your idol, like when I met Jacques Cousteau. I will never forget what he said to me. [pause] Ah, I did forget. It was so long ago.
152 Jack With my connection I can make Kaylie's dreams come true. I should dig up my old shell collection and give it to her. Complete the seduction after Bob Ballard and I double-team her.
153 Jack [opens envelope and pulls out collage-card reading: Thanks for the expedition to the museum! Love, Kaylie] This could be me. "Remember Jack Donaghy? He was the world's greatest oceanographer. And we walruses owe him everything for giving us the gift of language."
154 Jack It's a younger man's game, Lemon. But I can't say that I don't miss it. You'd be in your office late at night, and the new girl would come in with some flimsy excuse to be there. ''Oh, Mr. Donaghy, I forgot to give you the factory worker death rates.'' Then, she'd laugh at your lame joke. A touch on the arm. And you'd take your reward. You'd take your reward.
155 Jack Nothing, really? That's too bad. 'Cause you know what I always say. Black light attack!
156 Jack Well, I had a Porterhouse for Two alone. I am very angry and sleepy.
157 Jack This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor, and dramatized 1970s inter-ethnic California daytime motorcycle highway justice.
158 Jack If you were a man, you would have to register yourself as a sex criminal. I'm taking Danny back.
159 Jack It's true. It was love at first sight. I ache for her sexually. How could I not? I'm entranced by those... mud-colored eyes, set back in that skin. And her laugh. Her walk. That splay-footed walk. And that... whole situation. Right there. And Oh... Moustache. Good God, Lemon.
160 Jack ''Lemon numbers among my employees.''
161 Jack Yes and no. Yes, that did happen. No, it didn't not happen.
162 Jack Bzz... Laser shield.
163 Jack This isn't the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn't want. we're G.E., damn it. And we're going to make a giant, flimsy microwave.
164 Jack ''Four, get it.'' Four smaller doors.
165 Jack Okay, it's a car. we've invented the Pontiac Aztek.
166 Jack Shh... You know how the media are. They wait for a mistake and that's all you are. It happened to Hitler. No one ever talks about his paintings.
167 Jack When we were on the DL we spent most of our time in the whirlpool getting rubbed down.
168 Jack Switch hitter. Pitcher. Catcher. Whatever the boys needed.
169 Jack [subtitle: Jack, Tracy's Gay Boss] I think I made my point.
170 Jack I know. I broke it. I needed to speak with you and I knew that was the fastest way to get you up here.
171 Jack Lemon. Lemon! Is there any news about Tracy?
172 Jack TWINKS could be extremely lucrative. Advertisers covet this demographic. When I was with D'Fwan on Queen of Jordan he spent four thousand on chihuahua outfits. For himself.
173 Jack Devon. Explain the gaybies.
174 Jack No. You are the spider. I am the sun. I dry up all the rain.
175 Jack You bastard.
176 Jack Oh, what have I done? The woman is on vacation with her husband as we speak. Probably having beach sex. Which is the third best sex after elevator and White House.
177 Jack Good Lord, I've ''Lemoned'' this situation with Nancy. I've got to erase that message.
178 Jack Are they? Nancy Donovan. Still so organized. In German class, Mr. Kruger always chose her to sort the students. He was eventually arrested by Israeli commandos. Mm. Look. On the 30th, she took Flight 1470 to R.S.W. He left the next day for C.V.G. They have to be different cities.
179 Jack The company has acquired an up-and-coming social networking site called YouFace. So each executive has to set up their YouFace page. Now this picture will be my ''PhoLo''.
180 Jack I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
181 Jack But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians.
182 Jack Weird in a good way, huh. Like going to the gym drunk.
183 Jack There's a lot of history in Studio 4-C. To Catch A Predator, The X.F.L. Halftime Show, storage for broken copier equipment. And now Dealbreakers.
184 Jack Yes, well, it's really happening for you, Lemon. Between T.G.S. and this, you're like a swarthy, big-hipped Kelly Ripa.
185 Jack I knew it. You're blonde in your fantasies. It looks terrible.
186 Jack Lemon, that is why Dealbreakers is going to work. Because your star is a crazy person. And my star is you.
187 Jack I.M. Adouche? Banks! What do you want?
188 Jack No, I knew right away.
189 Jack Well, I don't know, are you married? I'm just saying.
190 Jack Great, now we're perfect. What if we changed your name to Veronica St. Pierre? No, that's too much. Your hair is fine.
191 Jack You got a haircut.
192 Jack No, It's Liz. I need Dealbreakers to work. And yesterday, I told her that she shouldn't wear her glasses.
193 Jack This is Lemon.
194 Jack I get it. Treat her like The New York Times treats its readers.
195 Jack This is great. You look really relaxed. I'd watch this show.
196 Jack No, no hi-def. Uh... because of the camera. The, uh, ''gobos'' are really ''moraying''. Right, Pete?
197 Jack Okay, here is the honest truth. You're better at this than Oprah.
198 Jack I didn't say I wasn't going to see it. Lemon, what is it going to take to get you out of there? What do you want?
199 Jack Lemon, I am hemorrhaging money right now.
200 Jack Your audience has spent the last hour listening to Kenneth tell cleaned up versions of Garrison Keillor stories.
201 Jack Now I understand Performer Liz is freaking out. So I need Regular Liz's help.
202 Jack Lemon, I need Regular Liz to tell that crazy bitch, Performer Liz, to get out on stage and give me something I can try to make money off of. Please.
203 Jack Good God, Lemon, what is that?
204 Jack Lemon, what have we done to you? It's okay. Go home and get some rest. I'll take the hit.
205 Jack ''Whom''. And from now on, whenever a television is on in the background of a Sheinhardt-Universal soap opera, you will be on it.
206 Jack Do you know what the business model works in the entertainment industry? Make ten shows and hope that one of them works. We produce more failed pilots than the French air force.
207 Jack Congratulations. According to the transitive property you just defeated Muammar Gaddafi in arm wrestling.
208 Jack I'm an eleven, but continue.
209 Jack Did you make sure that Tracy wasn't pretending to be his own wax figure at Madame Tussauds?
210 Jack Of course. Elegent. Uh, should Vaginatorium be capitalized?
211 Jack Uh, we'll start with ''going country''. To T.G.S. we'll trick those race-car-loving wideloads into watching your lefty, homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
212 Jack Right, Josh, I forgot about that guy. You think that's a good sign?
213 Jack So naturally, you came to me because this company is just the two of us.
214 Jack I didn't lie, Kenneth. I massaged the truth. what do you need to move past this?
215 Jack Canada? Why not just go to Iraq? The television audience doesn't want your elitist, East Coast, alternative, intellectual, left-wing...
216 Jack I have to apologize. You know what they should do with people like her? They should round them all up and put them on an island. Oh, wait, they already have. It's called Manhattan.
217 Jack I'd never been to an audition before. It was upsetting. A grotesque carnival of human misery.
218 Jack I had the perfect woman. Gorgeous, brilliant, always let me be the hat in Monopoly. Why is this happening to me? God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?
219 Jack Liddy, say "good God, Lemon."
220 Jack Uh, Liddy and I just went to Strawberry Fields where she spat up on a white lady's dreads. It's nice to see that we're back to our version of normal.
221 Jack No, when she's ready Doctor Kevorkian says we have to put her down. He's a very good paediatrician but that is an unfortunate name.
222 Jack No. Call back tomorrow. She has babynomics at eleven.
223 Jack Maybe someday you'll be like me, running a billion dollar corporation, having people pay you for the privilege of cutting your hair, raising a child.
224 Jack Not really. Avery's been travelling a lot as part of NBC News's "Hot Blondes in Weird Places" initiative, so she's been out of the baby loop. Until Liddy is sleep trained, frankly it might be easier if Avery stays in Asia.
225 Jack Are you accusing me of not doing enough Reagan time with her?
226 Jack Leave.
227 Jack President inter-Bush is out of the question. Avery will never accept his help. She can't forgive him for not hitting on her during the 1996 Democratic convention.
228 Jack I do, of course, have some connections, but my best bet is fraught. I never should have broken up with Condi via text message.
229 Jack Me plus you equals frowny face.
230 Jack That's okay. She's tough. We do a lot of pirate-themed sexual role play. I'm a parrot.
231 Jack I'm sorry that I broke up with you by text. I'm sorry I went drinking with Karl Rove on Valentine's Day. I'm sorry that I said your favourite movie was lame.
232 Jack C'mon, Avery, not now. I am going to get you out of there. You are married to Jack Donaghy, dammit, and the world doesn't get to do this to us. WE control our fates! WE are in charge! [pause] Avery? Are you still there? I'm sure her battery died. Right after I finished that speech, just like I wanted it to.
233 Jack No we aren't. I was wrong. Condi tried, but Avery plus freedom equals... frowny face.
234 Jack So, uh, what do you need from me?
235 Jack Two questions. Must I live by Superman's moral code? And will the sex woman get older?
236 Jack I know this sounds ugly, but with Manhattan real estate, there are no rules. It's like check-in at an Italian airport.
237 Jack Damn you, Tracy Jr.
238 Jack Ah, it was for a couple of lousy months. Big deal. l had sex with your prom date.
239 Jack When l think of all the things that l've been holding inside me that l wanted to say to you ! Well, now l'm gonna let St. Patrick and St. Michael do my talking for me!
240 Jack Those are the stupidest fist names l've ever heard.
241 Jack Well, this would have proved my mother wrong, saying that ''Donaghy'' is Gaelic for ''failure.'' What the hell does she know? She's a Murphy -- bunch of mud farmers and sheep rapists.
242 Jack Remarkable people, the Blacks -- musical, very athletic, not very good swimmers. Again, l'm talking about the family. Black is African-American, though.
243 Jack Well, l know that is the type of thing we tell ourselves, but, trust me, when l was dating Condoleezza, there were genuine cultural tensions. l mean, we would go to the movies, and she would yell at the screen.
244 Jack Ghostface, you think you could mention donaghyestates.com at any point?
245 Jack Who told Tracy about anagrams? l'm gonna call Dr. Spaceman.
246 Jack Uh, take off that jacket. If you're not wearing one of those Christmas sweaters out of guilt, I'll give you $1000.
247 Jack This thing's a real cash cow, unlike 'Cash Cow', the failed NBC spin-off of 'Cash Cab'. You try riding a cow through mid-town Manhattan, Lemon. The animal will panic.
248 Jack All right, you can watch me shower but no touching.
249 Jack Well I have to go get a bunch of gaybies into preschool before we all get sued so uh … well done, Lemon.
250 Jack We'll see. Our new slogan: "NBC: We have a magical horse" is testing, uh … OK.