Tracy's Top 212 Quotes

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1 Tracy I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI!
2 Tracy I know who you are.
3 Tracy Where's the love? Right on. Hey, let me get two half a chickens and some pecan waffles.
4 Tracy I ain’t doing it unless I can get to do it my way. You know, I want it to be raw. HBO style content.
5 Tracy Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!
6 Tracy Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. We are strong! No one call tell us we're wrong! Searching our hearts for so long!
7 Tracy Right here. This is where I grew up.
8 Tracy Excuse me, where's the manager? I’m from the government and I’m here to inspect your chicken nuggets! Uh oh. Look at shorty. This honky grandma be trippin'! What's up, America?! I'm coming into your house live! Let me hear you say, "We love you, 16!"
9 Tracy So how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?
10 Tracy Nah uh. Superman does good, You doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
11 Tracy Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you?
12 Tracy I haven't had a real job in like two years. I'm not used to all these cue cards and all of that.
13 Tracy You're right.I got this. Thanks for looking out for me, Lemon. I'm gonna crush it. Show these people how a movie star does it.
14 Tracy Please. You can't hurt me. I did stand up on the road. Crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.
15 Tracy No, no, no, no. This is what we're gonna do, Lemon. You're gonna get everyone on my yacht. Harbor cruise, drinks, togetherness.
16 Tracy Oh, that's Spanish for "remember your mother."
17 Tracy Don’t worry, he was in the Navy.
18 Tracy So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".
19 Tracy From Yankee Stadium.
20 Tracy Dress everyday like you gonna get murdered in those clothes.
21 Tracy Which means when the law conflicts with our desires, then we must operate outside the law. You following me?
22 Tracy I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow's my anniversary, and I almost forgot about it. But What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?
23 Tracy How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? I'm Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.
24 Tracy Oh, you mean Jesus?
25 Tracy Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you? Or this? Seem familiar? Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've already needed it. Until now. By burning three different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meet Machine takes bread out of equation. Now you're sandwich is all of the good stuff. That's delicious!
26 Tracy What happened?
27 Tracy Closer to Cherkassy.
28 Tracy I don't know what to tell you. They're making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damm tickets!
29 Tracy Cool. I'll read those later, Lemon.
30 Tracy I can't read, Liz Lemon! My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies' bathroom.
31 Tracy I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!
32 Tracy Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about sometimes "Y" being a vowel? What a world.
33 Tracy Yeah, all right. Cool.
34 Tracy I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
35 Tracy Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
36 Tracy Make the letters bigger, Toof!
37 Tracy I have no memory of that. Write it up.
38 Tracy Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane full of snow dreams. a stocking full of smiles. It's a Jordan Christmas!
39 Tracy That’s what I’m saying. That’s character assassination. That’s not normal. It only looks like I’m walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I’m doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks. And I don’t even know who’s dog that is! Yes. I steal dogs.
40 Tracy I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you.
41 Tracy Pete Hornberger, tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and out minds. Hit it!
42 Tracy All right. Just one. I got to be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.
43 Tracy What's going on?
44 Tracy I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?
45 Tracy Payback. The way you treated me. You used me.
46 Tracy They disrespected me.
47 Tracy Yeah, then I could go, "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!"
48 Tracy Bernie Mac doesn’t do it, 'cause he’d be ugly as hell. Forget it. I’m not wearing this dress. It’s prejudicial.
49 Tracy I've got a lot on my plate!
50 Tracy I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
51 Tracy Sure is. Wanna go kiss in the prop cage?
52 Tracy You know when a dude knows he's going to turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail? Well I'm embarrassed to say I missed the birth of both of my sons. For very legitimate reasons.
53 Tracy And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
54 Tracy Explain the rules.
55 Tracy So for me to be there at the birth of my daughter, I have to answer trivia questions, despite having gone to middle school in a Exxon station?
56 Tracy C'mon, I don't know that.
57 Tracy SHE is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
58 Tracy The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I'll be executed.
59 Tracy I hate to say I told you so, so... Welcome to Miami!
60 Tracy l'm not doing any of that.
61 Tracy Remember that night we had the three-way with Elayne Boosler? [ Laughs ]
62 Tracy [screams, chasing Lutz]
63 Tracy Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder- tonight, at... than I did at Dotcom's play.
64 Tracy J-train, as you may know, I was in a film called Hard to Watch, and the "pundits" think that I have a "chance" at an "Oscar" and I just learned about "air quotes."
65 Tracy Be bad at snapping. Got it.
66 Tracy Well definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then BAM! Boobies.
67 Tracy I think the better question is "What ISN'T an actor?" A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor --
68 Tracy Wait, great like good, or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day? [wheezes]
69 Tracy No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made: "Compromises are for lesser souls. Die, werewolf-zombie."
70 Tracy You probably said fortnight.
71 Tracy Hey, what was that sound? It was opportunity knocking!
72 Tracy Okay. You remember Donald. My son who's two years older than me.
73 Tracy If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job. Go, honor me. Save yourself. But first, get me a sandwich.
74 Tracy On behalf of Grizz and Feyonce, I'd like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn't support the weight of Grizz's extended family.
75 Tracy It's all coming back to me. Oh, my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs.
76 Tracy I watched a prostitute stab a clown.
77 Tracy Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage!
78 Tracy Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason. Oh, Lord! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
79 Tracy Nermal, I hate you, Nermal! Almost as much as I hate Mondays! This is my lasagna! You hear me, Nermal? My lasagna!
80 Tracy I seen a blind guy bite a police horse!
81 Tracy A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom!
82 Tracy A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's!
83 Tracy I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
84 Tracy I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!
85 Tracy Goodnight! Stay tuned for a special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter!
86 Tracy So you're...
87 Tracy Don't even get me started on marriage. [silence] Thank you.
88 Tracy Well, I yelled ''Baba Booey'' at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
89 Tracy There is one thing. Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole assache blows over?
90 Tracy To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying.
91 Tracy Fine. I'll be there soon. And if you get hungry, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge. And once I'm there, I'll determine how much to charge you.
92 Tracy Hey, Ken. Isn't that a fun place to stand? Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy Sr. I trained him to hate white people. Because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy, here. And look what Angie did to him. She set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he'd run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors' horses. He's trapped here, just like me.
93 Tracy Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focused and take this sandwich to my wife. Nope, I'm in a strip club. My bad.
94 Tracy Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you. Like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
95 Tracy I'm torn, K-Pax. I know I should be here, but my body's going to take me to Liz Lemon's. What do I do? Put the electric dog collar on me.
96 Tracy You're going to pour glue in the lock. That's how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.
97 Tracy This better be ''meetment''. I'm importing.
98 Tracy Yes, he probably picked up your scent and is hunting you. I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.
99 Tracy Of course not. The Aryan hates and fears the African man, as we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.
100 Tracy Splock... Short for ''Black Spock''.
101 Tracy I had another freaky ''Kenmare''.
102 Tracy [from the phone Dotcom's holding] Line!
103 Tracy Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because perfection is my middle name. "Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy."
104 Tracy Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
105 Tracy No. I wasn't going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.
106 Tracy Never better. I'm as happy as a clam who wants to kill some woman.
107 Tracy [still to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] That's too bad, but if I sing you cannot do anything to make me look bad on your TV show and also let me stay that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
108 Tracy Five years ago I saved YOUR show! I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
109 Tracy And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
110 Tracy And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there. I would get there.
111 Tracy No, you already said all on the show. You said it all! [hugging] I got there.
112 Tracy That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Episcopal.
113 Tracy Do not mention the underwater city of Sironicon. Got it.
114 Tracy Wow, I've always wanted one of these. The box would make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
115 Tracy Congratulations. I am not interested in godfather duties.
116 Tracy I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It could turn your child into a Dracula.
117 Tracy Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real! It takes the same amount of time.
118 Tracy You will be punished! Can I have my nunchuks back?
119 Tracy I suck? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks. [Crowd booing] Hello.
120 Tracy ''Purr-fect''! Like a cat birthday! How can I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour?
121 Tracy I knew it! For a dude that has the most hilarious last name I've ever heard, you blow! We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!
122 Tracy Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.
123 Tracy There you are! Your Kenneth and I were worried sick about you!
124 Tracy No, I wouldn't. Not for a billion doll hairs.
125 Tracy Yeah, they're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
126 Tracy Liz Lemon... you booger face! I'm going to kill you with a bazooka!
127 Tracy No, It's off me! A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory. It's on you, Liz Lemon. And you will be punished.
128 Tracy That's a pun on Amadeus, dummy. I will not be judged by you. You caused this whole folderol. And until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. Oh, yeah. And I used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from The Teaching Company.
129 Tracy Oh sure! Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
130 Tracy Uh oh. It's night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the Gods. They must be crazy! Africa!
131 Tracy Six, I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn't find the ''Joey Russo'' button.
132 Tracy I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon. Because I yelled, ''Susan B. Anthony'' at the moment of conception.
133 Tracy We're going to name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night. So we're going to name her either Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teterboro Airport.
134 Tracy Uh-huh. And before you worked here, were you an ass scientist? Because your ass... blah-blah-blah. You get the point.
135 Tracy I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time!
136 Tracy Grizz, when was the last time you told your fiancee you love her? Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement!
137 Tracy Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians.
138 Tracy Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.
139 Tracy New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.
140 Tracy Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.
141 Tracy Uh-oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab onto me, we'll both drown.
142 Tracy Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.
143 Tracy Come over here, I said. In my normal tone of voice.
144 Tracy Liz Lemon, recently, I realized that I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.
145 Tracy I'm glad you feel that way. Because Angie's on her way up, and I want you to tell her for me.
146 Tracy Oh, yes, you are. Click. I said ''click'' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.
147 Tracy You did good.
148 Tracy There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.
149 Tracy Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?
150 Tracy Racist.
151 Tracy Yes, perfect. What's that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.
152 Tracy Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I'm just kidding. He's not invited. But who's ''EGOT''?
153 Tracy No need. I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this ''EGOT'' necklace for me.
154 Tracy I am going to EGOT. For us. For the family. And especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.
155 Tracy Great, I'll be in touch. You still using your Hotmail account?
156 Tracy I'd first like to thank my creative team for coming in on such short notice. And I'm sorry I'm four hours late. Dotcom, research update.
157 Tracy Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?
158 Tracy As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
159 Tracy I'm sorry I did this to you, half a Clemen. I had no choice. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him and I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tried of hiding. I just want my old life back.
160 Tracy It's not a leash! It's a very long skin tag!
161 Tracy Jesus was black!
162 Tracy Here come the roofies.
163 Tracy Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich.
164 Tracy I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
165 Tracy F.U.L.L. spells "full," because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon.
166 Tracy I am a Jedi!
167 Tracy There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
168 Tracy I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
169 Tracy But I wasn't even supposed to say that! The line was "Sherinne, I hope Dr. Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy," but I couldn't get it right so they told me to improv!
170 Tracy That's crazy! A man named Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
171 Tracy You know how on St. Bart's, people be eating their lobsters like this? [Eating sounds] Don't look at me in the eyes!
172 Tracy Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you? Hey, Rolly. You ever lose your remote control?
173 Tracy And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
174 Tracy Hello, fellow human being. would you like to ask me what time it is?
175 Tracy Are you a large child or a small adult?
176 Tracy You look regular. Can I guess your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Craigford? Is it Swimming?
177 Tracy Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
178 Tracy Excuse me. Do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
179 Tracy I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.
180 Tracy Excuse me, sir. Do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
181 Tracy Does anyone want to be my friend? I'm normal!
182 Tracy It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, ''Nobody'', and his wife, ''Susan walters-Hyphen-Nobody''. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back. what's that sound? Bucket drummers!
183 Tracy These... these are my people! Bucket drummers, if you are striking, so am I. Two, four, six, eight, 10, 1 2, 14, 16, 18.
184 Tracy New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'm going to kill myself!
185 Tracy This is going to be the scariest Princeton Parents' Weekend ever!
186 Tracy Boo!
187 Tracy So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?
188 Tracy If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
189 Tracy The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
190 Tracy Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
191 Tracy I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
192 Tracy Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom! Look, we got a lot of work to catch up on.
193 Tracy Was Dotcom standing that gay?
194 Tracy It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
195 Tracy [laughs] I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone laugh! NOW, you sons of bitches!
196 Tracy Don't ever tell me what to do! Quad hug me in the middle! Also, due to a paperwork mix up, you will not be getting paid this month!
197 Tracy It's ''Take Your Black Kid to Work Day''.
198 Tracy The Cosby Show lied to me.
199 Tracy That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show. I only have boys. And boys are disgusting! I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me! Stop laughing! It's not funny! I need a baby girl! Don't slit my vas deferens!
200 Tracy Wake up, Tracy! Wake up! I don't want a vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman. I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T?
201 Tracy Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across. Now come on. That's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.
202 Tracy Yo, Lemon ! You coming to the after-after-after party?!
203 Tracy Let's blow this joint! lt's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch set-up. You going to the after-after-after-after party?! Well, let's rock!
204 Tracy Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?
205 Tracy ''Tom Cruise,'' 'cause that's how Oprah says it. ''To-o-o-o-o-m !''
206 Tracy What can l do? l'm on my grind. l'm gonna have so much money my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.
207 Tracy No I'm not. I took a Real Age Test that said I'm dead.
208 Tracy Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.
209 Tracy [voicemail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dot Com, hold the steering wheel, I gotta leave my outgoing message. What'd I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot Com, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!
210 Tracy I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI … We should change that.
211 Tracy My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!
212 Tracy I want you to call my phone so I can hear the chicken dance again.