|
Share
|
Position
|
Name
|
Quote
|
|
1
|
Tracy
|
I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI! I am A JEDI!
|
|
|
2
|
Tracy
|
Then I'll take a vodka and tonic.
|
|
|
3
|
Tracy
|
Where's the love? Right on. Hey, let me get two half a chickens and some pecan waffles.
|
|
|
4
|
Tracy
|
I ain’t doing it unless I can get to do it my way. You know, I want it to be raw. HBO style content.
|
|
|
5
|
Tracy
|
Cause I’m gonna drop truth bombs. You know how pissed of I was when US weekly said I was on crack? That’s racist. I’m not on crack. I’m straight up mentally ill!
|
|
|
6
|
Tracy
|
Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other, to distract us, while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That’s a metaphor!
|
|
|
7
|
Tracy
|
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. We are strong! No one call tell us we're wrong! Searching our hearts for so long!
|
|
|
8
|
Tracy
|
Hmm mhm, suck it Pete!
|
|
|
9
|
Tracy
|
Get Down!
|
|
|
10
|
Tracy
|
Right here. This is where I grew up.
|
|
|
11
|
Tracy
|
So how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable?
|
|
|
12
|
Tracy
|
Nah uh. Superman does good, You doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.
|
|
|
13
|
Tracy
|
Lemon. Lemon. Can I be real with you?
|
|
|
14
|
Tracy
|
I haven't had a real job in like two years. I'm not used to all these cue cards and all of that.
|
|
|
15
|
Tracy
|
Hi I’m Tracy Jordan. I’m black NBC! Very proud, like peacocks. Right Janet? I think we got it! I think we got it.
|
|
|
16
|
Tracy
|
Please. You can't hurt me. I did stand up on the road. Crowd once threw a motorcycle at me.
|
|
|
17
|
Tracy
|
Oh, that's Spanish for "remember your mother."
|
|
|
18
|
Tracy
|
Don’t worry, he was in the Navy.
|
|
|
19
|
Tracy
|
This round, Texas Doozy, Face cards are wild, 3 is a Jinx, 5s are 2s.
|
|
|
20
|
Tracy
|
So Here’s some advice I wish I would’ve got when I was your age: Live every week, like it’s "shark week".
|
|
|
21
|
Tracy
|
From Yankee Stadium.
|
|
|
22
|
Tracy
|
You did real good the other day with those nachos, but I need you to do something of a diffrent nature.Okay, would you agree when I say that a man's freedom only exists when he's free to pursue his desires?
|
|
|
23
|
Tracy
|
I got one little errand for you to run. Tomorrow's my anniversary, and I almost forgot about it. But What did I tell you was the secret to having a good marriage and keeping it together, Kenneth?
|
|
|
24
|
Tracy
|
How would you like it if I did and impression of you Liz Lemon? I'm Liz Lemon. I wear man shirts. Watch me skateboard.
|
|
|
25
|
Tracy
|
Too late Liz Lemon. He called me five minutes ago.
|
|
|
26
|
Tracy
|
Donaghy, I need your help!
|
|
|
27
|
Tracy
|
Oh, you mean Jesus?
|
|
|
28
|
Tracy
|
Audience, let me ask you a question. How many times has this happened to you? Or this? Seem familiar? Bread is one of the worst things in the world, but we've already needed it. Until now. By burning three different types of meat together, the Tracy Jordan Meet Machine takes bread out of equation. Now you're sandwich is all of the good stuff. That's delicious!
|
|
|
29
|
Tracy
|
What happened?
|
|
|
30
|
Tracy
|
Closer to Cherkassy.
|
|
|
31
|
Tracy
|
(Flashback) Let’s go rescue Karen... Or whatever. Is it Sheryl? Then she can tell us where the drugs are -- I mean gold. Then we got the car chase. I’m getting way too old for this. Was I supposed to say that then?
|
|
|
32
|
Tracy
|
I don't know what to tell you. They're making me rehearse. I know Pat Benatar rarely performs live. Scalp the damm tickets!
|
|
|
33
|
Tracy
|
I can't read, Liz Lemon! My shameful secret is out. Now you know why I'm always running into the ladies' bathroom.
|
|
|
34
|
Tracy
|
I can’t read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent. I think I voted for Nader! NADER!
|
|
|
35
|
Tracy
|
I feel as though a great weight has been lifted off of me Liz Lemon. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. All thanks to one very, very special white lady. I’ll be late tomorrow. Damn! George Will just gets more and more conservative.
|
|
|
36
|
Tracy
|
Yeah, I had to go to reading class. You hear this mess about sometimes "Y" being a vowel? What a world.
|
|
|
37
|
Tracy
|
I'm unbelievable? What about your racist mess? Thinking a grown man is illiterate. That's the subtle racism of lowered expectations. Bing Crosby said that.
|
|
|
38
|
Tracy
|
Yo, me Toofer and Frank are going to be writing my book all day long, and I think my snake is sick. So I need you to go out to my car and rub his belly until he poops.
|
|
|
39
|
Tracy
|
Make the letters bigger, Toof!
|
|
|
40
|
Tracy
|
Imagine Christmas wishes, shooting out of your eyes. A candy cane full of snow dreams. a stocking full of smiles. It's a Jordan Christmas!
|
|
|
41
|
Tracy
|
That’s what I’m saying. That’s character assassination. That’s not normal. It only looks like I’m walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I’m doing the robot going backwards into a Starbucks. And I don’t even know who’s dog that is! Yes. I steal dogs.
|
|
|
42
|
Tracy
|
Aah!
|
|
|
43
|
Tracy
|
I shouldn’t expect a white woman from Whiteville to understand street cred.
|
|
|
44
|
Tracy
|
I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you.
|
|
|
45
|
Tracy
|
Pete Hornberger, tonight is the night we celebrate our bodies and out minds. Hit it!
|
|
|
46
|
Tracy
|
All right. Just one. I got to be downtown dressed as a ninja by 10:00.
|
|
|
47
|
Tracy
|
I studied fried chicken at the school of hard knocks. Ain't that right, Mr. Jack?
|
|
|
48
|
Tracy
|
Yeah, then I could go, "Rodney, don't make me come over there and beat you in the head with one of my boom-booms!"
|
|
|
49
|
Tracy
|
Bernie Mac doesn’t do it, 'cause he’d be ugly as hell. Forget it. I’m not wearing this dress. It’s prejudicial.
|
|
|
50
|
Tracy
|
I keep hallucinating Kenneth. Am I going crazy again? Should I get my rainbow wig out of storage?
|
|
|
51
|
Tracy
|
Sure is. Wanna go kiss in the prop cage?
|
|
|
52
|
Tracy
|
You know when a dude knows he's going to turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail? Well I'm embarrassed to say I missed the birth of both of my sons. For very legitimate reasons.
|
|
|
53
|
Tracy
|
And good for you, Liz Lemon. There's something about you lately. Make me want to put my feet in your mouth.
|
|
|
54
|
Tracy
|
Explain the rules.
|
|
|
55
|
Tracy
|
So for me to be there at the birth of my daughter, I have to answer trivia questions, despite having gone to middle school in a Exxon station?
|
|
|
56
|
Tracy
|
C'mon, I don't know that.
|
|
|
57
|
Tracy
|
SHE is an orca, Benjamin. FYI, they're very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.
|
|
|
58
|
Tracy
|
The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that cuz if I go back there I'll be executed.
|
|
|
59
|
Tracy
|
l'm not doing any of that.
|
|
|
60
|
Tracy
|
Remember that night we had the three-way with Elayne Boosler? [ Laughs ]
|
|
|
61
|
Tracy
|
That's Tracy Jordan spelled backwards.
|
|
|
62
|
Tracy
|
Gentlemen, tonight I'm gonna laugh harder- tonight, at... than I did at Dotcom's play.
|
|
|
63
|
Tracy
|
J-train, as you may know, I was in a film called Hard to Watch, and the "pundits" think that I have a "chance" at an "Oscar" and I just learned about "air quotes."
|
|
|
64
|
Tracy
|
Be bad at snapping. Got it.
|
|
|
65
|
Tracy
|
Well definitely the foreign films. Like the political ones where you think there'll be no boobies, then BAM! Boobies.
|
|
|
66
|
Tracy
|
I think the better question is "What ISN'T an actor?" A lamp. A couch. That mirror. Or a hidden pistol. An actor --
|
|
|
67
|
Tracy
|
Wait, great like good, or grate like the thing I dropped my asthma inhaler down the other day? [wheezes]
|
|
|
68
|
Tracy
|
No, Liz Lemon. It's like the thing I said in another movie I made: "Compromises are for lesser souls. Die, werewolf-zombie."
|
|
|
69
|
Tracy
|
You probably said fortnight.
|
|
|
70
|
Tracy
|
Okay. You remember Donald. My son who's two years older than me.
|
|
|
71
|
Tracy
|
You wouldn't believe this, but that business failed. I blame Obama. But the good news is Donald has a brand new venture. Sell 'em, son.
|
|
|
72
|
Tracy
|
If you've learned anything from me, it's how to do a bad job. Go, honor me. Save yourself. But first, get me a sandwich.
|
|
|
73
|
Tracy
|
On behalf of Grizz and Feyonce, I'd like to thank Jack Donaghy for letting us have this reception here after the other location couldn't support the weight of Grizz's extended family.
|
|
|
74
|
Tracy
|
It's all coming back to me. Oh, my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs.
|
|
|
75
|
Tracy
|
I watched a prostitute stab a clown.
|
|
|
76
|
Tracy
|
Our basketball hoop was a ribcage. A ribcage!
|
|
|
77
|
Tracy
|
Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason. Oh, Lord! Some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!
|
|
|
78
|
Tracy
|
Nermal, I hate you, Nermal! Almost as much as I hate Mondays! This is my lasagna! You hear me, Nermal? My lasagna!
|
|
|
79
|
Tracy
|
I seen a blind guy bite a police horse!
|
|
|
80
|
Tracy
|
A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom!
|
|
|
81
|
Tracy
|
I seen a hooker eat a tire!
|
|
|
82
|
Tracy
|
A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's!
|
|
|
83
|
Tracy
|
I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo! They were very drunk!
|
|
|
84
|
Tracy
|
I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!
|
|
|
85
|
Tracy
|
Goodnight! Stay tuned for a special Mother's Day edition of Bitch Hunter!
|
|
|
86
|
Tracy
|
So you're...
|
|
|
87
|
Tracy
|
Don't even get me started on marriage. [silence] Thank you.
|
|
|
88
|
Tracy
|
Well, I yelled ''Baba Booey'' at Walter Cronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not.
|
|
|
89
|
Tracy
|
But I couldn't thunder last night, because I had to take Angie to the E.R. She had some complications with her pregnancy. So that kind of trumps your little problem.
|
|
|
90
|
Tracy
|
There is one thing. Could you take care of Angie like a husband until this whole assache blows over?
|
|
|
91
|
Tracy
|
Great update, Ken. Thanks for checking in. Talk to you later.
|
|
|
92
|
Tracy
|
To be honest, I couldn't really understand anything Rick James was saying.
|
|
|
93
|
Tracy
|
Fine. I'll be there soon. And if you get hungry, you can help yourself to anything in the fridge. And once I'm there, I'll determine how much to charge you.
|
|
|
94
|
Tracy
|
Hey, Ken. Isn't that a fun place to stand? Oh, I forgot to warn you about my dog, Tracy Sr. I trained him to hate white people. Because, not to profile, but most ghosts are white. This is my boy, here. And look what Angie did to him. She set up an invisible fence. He gets shocked if he tries to leave the property. Just because he'd run away and cause car accidents and impregnate neighbors' horses. He's trapped here, just like me.
|
|
|
95
|
Tracy
|
Maybe this will get Angie to stop calling me irresponsible. Just stay focused and take this sandwich to my wife. Nope, I'm in a strip club. My bad.
|
|
|
96
|
Tracy
|
This is bad! Because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon... Always a lizard! [Phone buzzing] This better be a meeting. 'Cause I'm important!
|
|
|
97
|
Tracy
|
Don't throw a party for vengeance. It will turn on you. Like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.
|
|
|
98
|
Tracy
|
I'm torn, K-Pax. I know I should be here, but my body's going to take me to Liz Lemon's. What do I do? Put the electric dog collar on me.
|
|
|
99
|
Tracy
|
You're going to pour glue in the lock. That's how my kids keep me out of the liquor cabinet.
|
|
|
100
|
Tracy
|
Wait, I don't walk that well.
|
|
|
101
|
Tracy
|
This better be ''meetment''. I'm importing.
|
|
|
102
|
Tracy
|
Yes, he probably picked up your scent and is hunting you. I suggest you cut off a finger and throw it in the river.
|
|
|
103
|
Tracy
|
Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy. 'Cause we all know each other. Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?
|
|
|
104
|
Tracy
|
You know, I've been wanting to say this for a few seconds now. This workplace has become a hotbed of old school racism.
|
|
|
105
|
Tracy
|
Of course not. The Aryan hates and fears the African man, as we so clearly saw in the Blade movies.
|
|
|
106
|
Tracy
|
Splock... Short for ''Black Spock''.
|
|
|
107
|
Tracy
|
Oh, good morning. Lemaroney... something horrible happened to me last night. I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable Jacuzzi. It was crazy. Glistening black and white skin. It looked like a close up of a killer whale being born.
|
|
|
108
|
Tracy
|
I had another freaky ''Kenmare''.
|
|
|
109
|
Tracy
|
[from the phone Dotcom's holding] Line!
|
|
|
110
|
Tracy
|
Every crazy A-lister owns an island. Nicholas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Whitmore. This is a whole new world in front of me L.L.! I'm like Stout Cortez! He's my gardener. He's easily amazed.
|
|
|
111
|
Tracy
|
Let's do it again from the top. I want to get it perfect, because perfection is my middle name. "Unclaimed Perfection Baby Boy."
|
|
|
112
|
Tracy
|
Of course, friend. Teamwork is the key to success.
|
|
|
113
|
Tracy
|
No. I wasn't going to buy two blimps and crash them into each other to see what sound they made.
|
|
|
114
|
Tracy
|
Never better. I'm as happy as a clam who wants to kill some woman.
|
|
|
115
|
Tracy
|
[still to the tune of Billy Joel's Uptown Girl] That's too bad, but if I sing you cannot do anything to make me look bad on your TV show and also let me stay that Liz is a ho. A dirty ho.
|
|
|
116
|
Tracy
|
Five years ago I saved YOUR show! I rode in here on a white horse that you made me leave in the lobby. All you do is stifle me when you should be thanking me.
|
|
|
117
|
Tracy
|
And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.
|
|
|
118
|
Tracy
|
And I would anticipate your angling and I would get there. I would get there.
|
|
|
119
|
Tracy
|
No, you already said all on the show. You said it all! [hugging] I got there.
|
|
|
120
|
Tracy
|
That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Episcopal.
|
|
|
121
|
Tracy
|
Honey, I'm home! Pac-Man, I'm Jewish! Jeffrey, we lost the tournament! I can't do seven more performances.
|
|
|
122
|
Tracy
|
Do they give an award for Tarantula Misplacement?
|
|
|
123
|
Tracy
|
Got it, no farting.
|
|
|
124
|
Tracy
|
Your performance.
|
|
|
125
|
Tracy
|
Do not mention the underwater city of Sironicon. Got it.
|
|
|
126
|
Tracy
|
Wow, I've always wanted one of these. The box would make a perfect coffin for my teddy bear.
|
|
|
127
|
Tracy
|
Congratulations. I am not interested in godfather duties.
|
|
|
128
|
Tracy
|
I'm sorry we were stressing you out. We shouldn't do that. It could turn your child into a Dracula.
|
|
|
129
|
Tracy
|
Why would you pretend to help Jack? Help him for real! It takes the same amount of time.
|
|
|
130
|
Tracy
|
You will be punished! Can I have my nunchuks back?
|
|
|
131
|
Tracy
|
As am I, Liz Lemon. It'll probably involve a guitar-playing chimpanzee that I bought this morning.
|
|
|
132
|
Tracy
|
Oh, hold on. Dotcom is confirming that he drowned.
|
|
|
133
|
Tracy
|
I'm not scared of you people, and I don't think those cashews look like a bowl of baby penises. Being a EGOT is fun! Here's to me spending the rest of my life in rooms like this! [audience applauds]
|
|
|
134
|
Tracy
|
Yes, just now.
|
|
|
135
|
Tracy
|
But my incompetence knows no bounds!
|
|
|
136
|
Tracy
|
I don't remember saying you could listen to that conversation, but continue.
|
|
|
137
|
Tracy
|
Al Sharpton would renounce him at a press conference on the street because Al Sharpton doesn't have an office.
|
|
|
138
|
Tracy
|
I suck? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame sucks. [Crowd booing] Hello.
|
|
|
139
|
Tracy
|
That stupid, Irish, piece of... Oh, boy. Boston is not going to go well.
|
|
|
140
|
Tracy
|
''Purr-fect''! Like a cat birthday! How can I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour?
|
|
|
141
|
Tracy
|
I knew it! For a dude that has the most hilarious last name I've ever heard, you blow! We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!
|
|
|
142
|
Tracy
|
Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.
|
|
|
143
|
Tracy
|
I said we're not going to a strip club.
|
|
|
144
|
Tracy
|
There you are! Your Kenneth and I were worried sick about you!
|
|
|
145
|
Tracy
|
No, I wouldn't. Not for a billion doll hairs.
|
|
|
146
|
Tracy
|
Yeah, they're not worth nothing. You could probably sell them to a doll company and get maybe $40,000 for them.
|
|
|
147
|
Tracy
|
Liz Lemon... you booger face! I'm going to kill you with a bazooka!
|
|
|
148
|
Tracy
|
No, It's off me! A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory. It's on you, Liz Lemon. And you will be punished.
|
|
|
149
|
Tracy
|
Oh, yeah. There's a garbage bag in the hallway with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef. what's for dinner tonight? I want pierogies.
|
|
|
150
|
Tracy
|
That's a pun on Amadeus, dummy. I will not be judged by you. You caused this whole folderol. And until you are adequately debased, you will subsidize my predilection for erotica. Oh, yeah. And I used your credit card to buy a vocabulary course from The Teaching Company.
|
|
|
151
|
Tracy
|
Oh sure! Ladysmith Black Mambazo, Paul Simon, Invictus.
|
|
|
152
|
Tracy
|
Uh oh. It's night time. Gotta go to bed or I'll anger the Gods. They must be crazy! Africa!
|
|
|
153
|
Tracy
|
Six, I knew it was a character from Blossom, but I couldn't find the ''Joey Russo'' button.
|
|
|
154
|
Tracy
|
I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon. Because I yelled, ''Susan B. Anthony'' at the moment of conception.
|
|
|
155
|
Tracy
|
We're going to name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night. So we're going to name her either Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teterboro Airport.
|
|
|
156
|
Tracy
|
Uh-huh. And before you worked here, were you an ass scientist? Because your ass... blah-blah-blah. You get the point.
|
|
|
157
|
Tracy
|
I blame you three for my unhealthy attitude towards women! You have created an atmosphere of hostility and intolerance that everyone talks about all the time!
|
|
|
158
|
Tracy
|
Grizz, when was the last time you told your fiancee you love her? Since the phone call I interrupted to make this announcement!
|
|
|
159
|
Tracy
|
Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians.
|
|
|
160
|
Tracy
|
Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.
|
|
|
161
|
Tracy
|
New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything.
|
|
|
162
|
Tracy
|
Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silvers.
|
|
|
163
|
Tracy
|
Uh-oh, Ken. We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab onto me, we'll both drown.
|
|
|
164
|
Tracy
|
Come over here and check out my corner. No trap.
|
|
|
165
|
Tracy
|
Come over here, I said. In my normal tone of voice.
|
|
|
166
|
Tracy
|
Liz Lemon, recently, I realized that I have a hole in my heart. And not the one I got from eating batteries. It's 'cause I don't have a daughter.
|
|
|
167
|
Tracy
|
I'm glad you feel that way. Because Angie's on her way up, and I want you to tell her for me.
|
|
|
168
|
Tracy
|
Oh, yes, you are. Click. I said ''click'' to distract you from the sound of the handcuffs.
|
|
|
169
|
Tracy
|
You did good.
|
|
|
170
|
Tracy
|
There was a better kid's birthday party up the street.
|
|
|
171
|
Tracy
|
Your hair did? You just got your hair did. You have to get your hair did again?
|
|
|
172
|
Tracy
|
Racist.
|
|
|
173
|
Tracy
|
Yes, perfect. What's that? I want it. I forgot why I originally came in here.
|
|
|
174
|
Tracy
|
Sure, I know him from the secret black people meetings. Nah, I'm just kidding. He's not invited. But who's ''EGOT''?
|
|
|
175
|
Tracy
|
No need. I got something better than presents for you and the kids. I got us all this ''EGOT'' necklace for me.
|
|
|
176
|
Tracy
|
I am going to EGOT. For us. For the family. And especially for little Chewbaquina Jordan.
|
|
|
177
|
Tracy
|
Great, I'll be in touch. You still using your Hotmail account?
|
|
|
178
|
Tracy
|
I'd first like to thank my creative team for coming in on such short notice. And I'm sorry I'm four hours late. Dotcom, research update.
|
|
|
179
|
Tracy
|
Is it me, or is Liz Lemon getting hotter?
|
|
|
180
|
Tracy
|
As a time saver I will refer to the two of you as Clemen. I wanted that next level, Clemen. Now remember, to save time, you two are Clemen. It's a combination of-
|
|
|
181
|
Tracy
|
I'm sorry I did this to you, half a Clemen. I had no choice. Sean Penn wanted me to go to Haiti with him and I'm not strong enough for the pain and the human misery of a three hour plane ride with Sean Penn. I'm tried of hiding. I just want my old life back.
|
|
|
182
|
Tracy
|
It's not a leash! It's a very long skin tag!
|
|
|
183
|
Tracy
|
Jesus was black!
|
|
|
184
|
Tracy
|
Here come the roofies.
|
|
|
185
|
Tracy
|
Why don't you shut your mouth, back that ass up, and make me a sandwich.
|
|
|
186
|
Tracy
|
I lied to all you ugly white ladies. I didn't go to Africa. I was hiding in a warehouse in Queens watching vintage pornography.
|
|
|
187
|
Tracy
|
No! It's un-brave! You should hate me!
|
|
|
188
|
Tracy
|
What does that even mean!?
|
|
|
189
|
Tracy
|
F.U.L.L. spells "full," because you're full of B.S., Liz Lemon.
|
|
|
190
|
Tracy
|
I am a Jedi!
|
|
|
191
|
Tracy
|
There are tears falling on her boobies, Liz Lemon.
|
|
|
192
|
Tracy
|
I know you've been molested. That's how we all got here. But I don't want to hear about it.
|
|
|
193
|
Tracy
|
But I wasn't even supposed to say that! The line was "Sherinne, I hope Dr. Mugutu has good news about my endoscopy," but I couldn't get it right so they told me to improv!
|
|
|
194
|
Tracy
|
That's crazy! A man named Elia. That's a giraffe's name.
|
|
|
195
|
Tracy
|
I can't eat this, I'm a foodie.
|
|
|
196
|
Tracy
|
You know how on St. Bart's, people be eating their lobsters like this? [Eating sounds] Don't look at me in the eyes!
|
|
|
197
|
Tracy
|
Right on, my brother. My dear friend, Moby, opened up a tea house in Park Slope. Does he know you? Hey, Rolly. You ever lose your remote control?
|
|
|
198
|
Tracy
|
And then your wife starts getting all mad because the roof won't close and the bed that's in the shape of your face is getting rained on? I like you, Rolly. Can I feel the rough skin on your hands?
|
|
|
199
|
Tracy
|
Hello, fellow human being. would you like to ask me what time it is?
|
|
|
200
|
Tracy
|
Are you a large child or a small adult?
|
|
|
201
|
Tracy
|
You look regular. Can I guess your name? Is it Pedro? Is it Craigford? Is it Swimming?
|
|
|
202
|
Tracy
|
Are you a pre-op transcentaur?
|
|
|
203
|
Tracy
|
Excuse me. Do you have change for a $10,000 bill?
|
|
|
204
|
Tracy
|
I would like some chicken nuggets, a beer, and some of my wife's rice, to stay.
|
|
|
205
|
Tracy
|
Excuse me, sir. Do you want to hold hands with a black millionaire?
|
|
|
206
|
Tracy
|
Does anyone want to be my friend? I'm normal!
|
|
|
207
|
Tracy
|
It's going super great, Dotcom. Meet my new friends, ''Nobody'', and his wife, ''Susan walters-Hyphen-Nobody''. I'm so far from my roots, I don't think I'll ever get back. what's that sound? Bucket drummers!
|
|
|
208
|
Tracy
|
These... these are my people! Bucket drummers, if you are striking, so am I. Two, four, six, eight, 10, 1 2, 14, 16, 18.
|
|
|
209
|
Tracy
|
New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'm going to kill myself!
|
|
|
210
|
Tracy
|
Orange and black decorations? Is this Halloween or Princeton Parents' Weekend? I don't know whether to be scared or proud of my cousin.
|
|
|
211
|
Tracy
|
This is going to be the scariest Princeton Parents' Weekend ever!
|
|
|
212
|
Tracy
|
Boo!
|
|
|
213
|
Tracy
|
So how are you feeling? Any arm pain? Shortness of breath? Plans to investigate corruption in Russia?
|
|
|
214
|
Tracy
|
Oh, yeah, I forgot, Dotcom. You know everything about acting because you played a bird in some stupid school play.
|
|
|
215
|
Tracy
|
If i start screaming in my sleep do NOT wake me up. I will attack you. [starts snoring] YAAAAA! WAKE ME UP! FREE FROM THIS! [snores] LAAAAHHHH HA!
|
|
|
216
|
Tracy
|
The party hasn't started. That's just the guys setting up. Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I'm trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.
|
|
|
217
|
Tracy
|
Fore! Hey guys! It's me, Tracy! The black guy from work.
|
|
|
218
|
Tracy
|
I hooked the ball onto a truck on the Long Island Expressway, and Tracy Jordan does not take mulligans. Good thing you had to move out of that house. Some idiot rammed his boat that I was driving into it.
|
|
|
219
|
Tracy
|
Great impression of a guy that sucks, Dotcom! Look, we got a lot of work to catch up on.
|
|
|
220
|
Tracy
|
Was Dotcom standing that gay?
|
|
|
221
|
Tracy
|
It was either that or play a rapping doorman in a Kate Hudson movie.
|
|
|
222
|
Tracy
|
[laughs] I get it now! It's so funny! Everyone laugh! NOW, you sons of bitches!
|
|
|
223
|
Tracy
|
Don't ever tell me what to do! Quad hug me in the middle! Also, due to a paperwork mix up, you will not be getting paid this month!
|
|
|
224
|
Tracy
|
Always have been, always will be.
|
|
|
225
|
Tracy
|
That's what Danny was saying. We have to be cool to everybody. Because the future is like a Japanese game show. You have no idea what's going on.
|
|
|
226
|
Tracy
|
It's ''Take Your Black Kid to Work Day''.
|
|
|
227
|
Tracy
|
Every day. I thought having a family was going to be like The Cosby Show. ''Oh, no, Vanessa went to a concert.'' ''Oh, no, Rudy and I are making a sandwich for 25 minutes.'' The Cosby Show was a lie. Having a family can be the worst. For example, I have this strip club story from this weekend I need to tell you, Jackie D. It is disgusting. But I can't, because I've got this little D-bag here.
|
|
|
228
|
Tracy
|
The Cosby Show lied to me.
|
|
|
229
|
Tracy
|
That's why my life is not like The Cosby Show. I only have boys. And boys are disgusting! I need a baby girl. Don't patronize me! Stop laughing! It's not funny! I need a baby girl! Don't slit my vas deferens!
|
|
|
230
|
Tracy
|
Wake up, Tracy! Wake up! I don't want a vasectomy, Dr. Spaceman. I need to go back in time. Why did I sell my DeLorean to Mr. T?
|
|
|
231
|
Tracy
|
Well, I hope he makes me an across helmet so I don't get hurt playing across. Now come on. That's pretty solid for a guy who just came out of a hallucination.
|
|
|
232
|
Tracy
|
Yo, Lemon ! You coming to the after-after-after party?!
|
|
|
233
|
Tracy
|
Let's blow this joint! lt's about to turn back into a taxi dispatch set-up. You going to the after-after-after-after party?! Well, let's rock!
|
|
|
234
|
Tracy
|
Don't go, Liz Lemon ! There's still an after-after- after-after-after party! l just got to take my kids to soccer first! Hey, whose roof is this?
|
|
|
235
|
Tracy
|
''Tom Cruise,'' 'cause that's how Oprah says it. ''To-o-o-o-o-m !''
|
|
|
236
|
Tracy
|
Hey, Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? l got to get rid of Freddie's erection.
|
|
|
237
|
Tracy
|
What can l do? l'm on my grind. l'm gonna have so much money my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.
|
|
|
238
|
Tracy
|
No I'm not. I took a Real Age Test that said I'm dead.
|
|
|
239
|
Tracy
|
Pay attention to me LL or else I'm going to do something self-destructive. For example, I just got an honorary sheriff's badge and I'm going to start making real arrests.
|
|
|
240
|
Tracy
|
Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.
|
|
|
241
|
Tracy
|
[voicemail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dot Com, hold the steering wheel, I gotta leave my outgoing message. What'd I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot Com, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!
|
|
|
242
|
Tracy
|
I will make a brief statement on behalf of the idiot community, then I will open the floor for questions. Since its founding early this afternoon, the National Association for Zero Intolerance, or NAZI … We should change that.
|
|
|
243
|
Tracy
|
My ringtone is the chicken dance. If I answer it, I won't hear the whole song!
|
|
|
244
|
Tracy
|
I want you to call my phone so I can hear the chicken dance again.
|
|
|
245
|
Tracy
|
Hug it out ma'am!
|
|
|
246
|
Tracy
|
Thinking basketball was the ticket out. Being wrong.
|
|
|
247
|
Tracy
|
Yes! A Native American paradise!
|
|
|
248
|
Tracy
|
Hang on, have you not left this building since you were mugged?
|
|
|
249
|
Tracy
|
Oh right. I did an ad and insisted on being paid in Beni Bucks.
|
|
|
250
|
Tracy
|
The Kitchen Debate with Richard Nixon. Richard M. Nixon. The M Train. Soul train. Chicken soup for the soul. Chicken soup. Soup kitchen. This is a Leap Day miracle!
|
