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Position
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Name
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Quote
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1
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Pete
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No, that would never work. lf l told my wife in college, ''Hey, l'm gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years,'' she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just. . . weeping over the sink.
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2
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Pete
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well, do it now, while she's drunk on attention. Or in an hour, when she's just drunk.
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3
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Pete
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Okay, here we go. One more, this is the one. And action! Great and smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof! Yeah, you can ''Whoo!'' You can do it. Good! Oh, my God. Break it down, break it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. Wave like a human being. You remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And, uh... a little cleavage. Nope. And just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?
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4
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Pete
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Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.
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5
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Pete
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Threefer, because you're also gay.
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6
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Pete
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Oh my god, there you are! We're losing sponsers, Liz. Did you know that Snuggles, the fabric softner bear is gay?
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7
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Pete
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You stayed?!
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8
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Pete
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What do you mean, Dotcom is auditioning? How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?
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9
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Pete
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In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States. well, where are your solutions, Liz Lemon? You know, this whole thing is your fault.
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10
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Pete
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Well a very very heavy, uh, heavy, de-pertation tonight. We had a very ders... derrisson? by... Let's go ahead and tear a station, let's gud the bip the hebun bip.
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11
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Pete
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Wow, she finally figured that out.
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12
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Pete
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YOUR song?! All right, you know what? Forget it! Sound Mound is finished! Which means I now have five thousand t-shirts to un-order.
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13
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Pete
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The reason people are unhappy in their careers is that they keep getting promoted until they're in over their heads. The Peter Principal says you rise to the level of your incompetence.
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14
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Pete
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And you're going to hate this one. The only reason N.B.C. picked up The Girly Show is because of the flak they got from women's groups after airing the action drama Bitch Hunter.
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15
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Pete
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Liz Taylor really messed him up. He might have brain damage.
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16
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Pete
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Did we just go in a circle?
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17
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Pete
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Apparently you can’t say he's got a vagina.
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18
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Pete
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I challenge you to the wrestling of arms!
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19
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Pete
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Oh, Kenneth, if you’re worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you’re too late.
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20
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Pete
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We're recording a song called "It's Never Too Late For Now." It's about that delicious little mystery I call "life."
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21
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Pete
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Liz, snap out of it. Jenna's locked herself in her dressing room.
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22
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Pete
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Also, there is no SpectraVision or internet in the hotel so plan ahead, gentlemen. Porn-wise.
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23
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Pete
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Yes, she will give it back to you when he goes home and gets it from her wife.
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24
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Pete
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Liz's uterus fell out.
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25
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Pete
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I never thought I'd feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a Leprechaun vomiting on a book.
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26
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Pete
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We all do.
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27
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Pete
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Yes, Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that Gypsy's kid with my car, but I am still your boss.
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28
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Pete
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We own K-Mart now?
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29
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Pete
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That must have been hard. Oh, no, my kid is sick.
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30
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Pete
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[rapping] Rollin' with my homie, me an Jackie D, bitches get ready for a sex party.
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31
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Pete
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Oklahoma. They couldn't find cowboy hats big enough for my kids' heads, so they're just wearing turbans.
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32
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Pete
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So we're agreed. Assuming nothing goes wrong in the next eight hours, Jayden Michael Tyler will be the next T.G.S. cast member.
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33
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Pete
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Please step away!
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34
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Pete
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What are you happy about? Did we get cancelled?
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35
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Pete
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Thanks man. Sound Mound rocks the town.
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36
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Pete
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Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.
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37
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Pete
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But you can call me Dallas. This could be the start of something for me.
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38
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Pete
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This is the lucky one. The Four of Clubs. Paula's nickname for my penis.
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39
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Pete
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What's in your teeth?
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40
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Pete
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I'm surprised you're renovating. This is such a nice office.
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41
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Pete
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Yes, I do.
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42
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Pete
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Oh, God. I got a tattoo that says ''Freedom'' in Chinese. And for what?
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43
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Pete
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If the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome! Standing ovation.
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44
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Pete
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[singing with Frank in sound booth] It's never too late for now! Two, three... It's never too late-
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45
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Pete
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Yeah, I was in Loverboy. But then I had to choose between staying in the band or taking that college scholarship to study TV budgeting. I made my choice. That part of my life is over.
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46
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Pete
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Liz, quick question about the Johnny Appleseed sketch. Does it hurt it if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed.
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47
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Pete
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You’re inappropriate! You jerk with your big stupid face!
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48
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Pete
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My wife's gonna kill me!
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49
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Pete
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Can I get five more beers here? Name's Dallas.
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50
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Pete
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Oh, my kid got hit by a car!
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51
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Pete
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Anyway, that's why I did it. One, to see the fear in her eyes, and two, without Tracy or Jenna we can file a claim against this show's insurance and keep getting paid without working, so... This is kind of the best day of my life.
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52
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Pete
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FYI, to pay for this vacation, we need to cut some corners. So we will be doubling up hotel rooms and we are going by bus.
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53
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Pete
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No, no, Liz. Last night for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-porn version of the Carol Burnett Show.
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54
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Pete
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Well, we had a good run.
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55
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Pete
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The name of the boat.
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56
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Pete
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No way. Gary loves the show. Pleased with the ratings.
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57
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Pete
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Danny, was that you? Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that?
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58
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Pete
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He was pretty bad. Nutmeg. No, rodeo, rodeo, rodeo. Look, I think we can take the show to Miami for a week.
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59
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Pete
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We'll make it up at the Grammy's. I talk! Not you!
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60
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Pete
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Well, nobody told the musical guest that Tracy's in Africa so all their instruments got delivered even though there's no show. Rock stars, man. People screaming your name, hot women throwing themselves at you...
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61
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Pete
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Okay, yeah, great. And about that Kabletown stuff, maybe we could talk about some new opportunities for me?
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62
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Pete
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Oh God, Tejón Face. Is this about the TV interview?
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63
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Pete
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How's it going?
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64
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Pete
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Editing hasn't sent up the title sequence yet and it's your turn to go down there. God I hate how much power they have over us. Who do they think they are? Mommy and her sisters?
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65
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Pete
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Oooooo! [hugs Liz]
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66
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Pete
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You know you actually did a good job on this.
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67
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Pete
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Okay, the van to take you to Connecticut will be leaving at noon, and once you get up to the golf course, you'll be working in pairs. So, Tim and Shyla, Amy and Becca, Kenneth and Grace, and Eric and Pat. Okay, have fun. Don't get drunk. Buddy up.
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68
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Pete
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Wow! That is an amazing story!
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69
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Pete
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Actually, Tracy, I'm trying to get some work done here.
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70
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Pete
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Well, I-I think this is my full potential.
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71
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Pete
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Yeah? Handsome? You find me handsome?
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72
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Pete
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It’s going to be Josh’s busiest show ever.
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73
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Pete
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Wow! This is diet Snapple?
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74
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Pete
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Hey what are you doing back here? They're rehearsing your Paris Hilton sketch.
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75
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Pete
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She's on stage.
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76
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Pete
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Okay, I call.
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77
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Pete
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That dude sucks.
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78
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Pete
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That's Uh. Why don't we, uh.
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79
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Pete
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Well, Kenneth, just respect their privacy.
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