Pete's Top 79 Quotes

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1 Pete No, that would never work. lf l told my wife in college, ''Hey, l'm gonna lose all this beautiful hair and fart in my sleep for the next 20 years,'' she never would have married me. Love is like an onion, and you peel away layer after stinky layer until you're just. . . weeping over the sink.
2 Pete well, do it now, while she's drunk on attention. Or in an hour, when she's just drunk.
3 Pete Okay, here we go. One more, this is the one. And action! Great and smile. With your mouth. And raise the roof! Yeah, you can ''Whoo!'' You can do it. Good! Oh, my God. Break it down, break it down. Oh, yeah, yeah, sassy. Sass it up. Wave to a friend. Wave like a human being. You remember waving? And blow a kiss. No, with your hands! And, uh... a little cleavage. Nope. And just have fun. Are you spinning a basketball?
4 Pete Boy, if this thing works, it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately, I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.
5 Pete Threefer, because you're also gay.
6 Pete Oh my god, there you are! We're losing sponsers, Liz. Did you know that Snuggles, the fabric softner bear is gay?
7 Pete You stayed?!
8 Pete What do you mean, Dotcom is auditioning? How dumb are you? Is there anything in there?
9 Pete In his defense, it was Pope Innocent the Fourth. Because he increased taxation in the Papal States. well, where are your solutions, Liz Lemon? You know, this whole thing is your fault.
10 Pete Well a very very heavy, uh, heavy, de-pertation tonight. We had a very ders... derrisson? by... Let's go ahead and tear a station, let's gud the bip the hebun bip.
11 Pete Wow, she finally figured that out.
12 Pete YOUR song?! All right, you know what? Forget it! Sound Mound is finished! Which means I now have five thousand t-shirts to un-order.
13 Pete The reason people are unhappy in their careers is that they keep getting promoted until they're in over their heads. The Peter Principal says you rise to the level of your incompetence.
14 Pete And you're going to hate this one. The only reason N.B.C. picked up The Girly Show is because of the flak they got from women's groups after airing the action drama Bitch Hunter.
15 Pete Liz Taylor really messed him up. He might have brain damage.
16 Pete Did we just go in a circle?
17 Pete Apparently you can’t say he's got a vagina.
18 Pete I challenge you to the wrestling of arms!
19 Pete Oh, Kenneth, if you’re worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you’re too late.
20 Pete We're recording a song called "It's Never Too Late For Now." It's about that delicious little mystery I call "life."
21 Pete Liz, snap out of it. Jenna's locked herself in her dressing room.
22 Pete Also, there is no SpectraVision or internet in the hotel so plan ahead, gentlemen. Porn-wise.
23 Pete Yes, she will give it back to you when he goes home and gets it from her wife.
24 Pete Liz's uterus fell out.
25 Pete I never thought I'd feel sorry for a guy with a tattoo of a Leprechaun vomiting on a book.
26 Pete We all do.
27 Pete Yes, Reggie, I am bald. I lost my hair at a very early age when I hit that Gypsy's kid with my car, but I am still your boss.
28 Pete We own K-Mart now?
29 Pete That must have been hard. Oh, no, my kid is sick.
30 Pete [rapping] Rollin' with my homie, me an Jackie D, bitches get ready for a sex party.
31 Pete Oklahoma. They couldn't find cowboy hats big enough for my kids' heads, so they're just wearing turbans.
32 Pete So we're agreed. Assuming nothing goes wrong in the next eight hours, Jayden Michael Tyler will be the next T.G.S. cast member.
33 Pete Please step away!
34 Pete What are you happy about? Did we get cancelled?
35 Pete Thanks man. Sound Mound rocks the town.
36 Pete Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.
37 Pete But you can call me Dallas. This could be the start of something for me.
38 Pete This is the lucky one. The Four of Clubs. Paula's nickname for my penis.
39 Pete What's in your teeth?
40 Pete I'm surprised you're renovating. This is such a nice office.
41 Pete Yes, I do.
42 Pete Oh, God. I got a tattoo that says ''Freedom'' in Chinese. And for what?
43 Pete If the teacher is male and the student is female. What happened to Frank is awesome! Standing ovation.
44 Pete [singing with Frank in sound booth] It's never too late for now! Two, three... It's never too late-
45 Pete Yeah, I was in Loverboy. But then I had to choose between staying in the band or taking that college scholarship to study TV budgeting. I made my choice. That part of my life is over.
46 Pete Liz, quick question about the Johnny Appleseed sketch. Does it hurt it if we can't call him Johnny Appleseed.
47 Pete You’re inappropriate! You jerk with your big stupid face!
48 Pete My wife's gonna kill me!
49 Pete Can I get five more beers here? Name's Dallas.
50 Pete Oh, my kid got hit by a car!
51 Pete Anyway, that's why I did it. One, to see the fear in her eyes, and two, without Tracy or Jenna we can file a claim against this show's insurance and keep getting paid without working, so... This is kind of the best day of my life.
52 Pete FYI, to pay for this vacation, we need to cut some corners. So we will be doubling up hotel rooms and we are going by bus.
53 Pete No, no, Liz. Last night for the first time ever, Tracy watched the non-porn version of the Carol Burnett Show.
54 Pete Well, we had a good run.
55 Pete The name of the boat.
56 Pete No way. Gary loves the show. Pleased with the ratings.
57 Pete Danny, was that you? Why didn't you tell me you could sing like that?
58 Pete He was pretty bad. Nutmeg. No, rodeo, rodeo, rodeo. Look, I think we can take the show to Miami for a week.
59 Pete We'll make it up at the Grammy's. I talk! Not you!
60 Pete Well, nobody told the musical guest that Tracy's in Africa so all their instruments got delivered even though there's no show. Rock stars, man. People screaming your name, hot women throwing themselves at you...
61 Pete Okay, yeah, great. And about that Kabletown stuff, maybe we could talk about some new opportunities for me?
62 Pete Oh God, Tejón Face. Is this about the TV interview?
63 Pete How's it going?
64 Pete Editing hasn't sent up the title sequence yet and it's your turn to go down there. God I hate how much power they have over us. Who do they think they are? Mommy and her sisters?
65 Pete Oooooo! [hugs Liz]
66 Pete You know you actually did a good job on this.
67 Pete Okay, the van to take you to Connecticut will be leaving at noon, and once you get up to the golf course, you'll be working in pairs. So, Tim and Shyla, Amy and Becca, Kenneth and Grace, and Eric and Pat. Okay, have fun. Don't get drunk. Buddy up.
68 Pete Wow! That is an amazing story!
69 Pete Actually, Tracy, I'm trying to get some work done here.
70 Pete Well, I-I think this is my full potential.
71 Pete Yeah? Handsome? You find me handsome?
72 Pete It’s going to be Josh’s busiest show ever.
73 Pete Wow! This is diet Snapple?
74 Pete Hey what are you doing back here? They're rehearsing your Paris Hilton sketch.
75 Pete She's on stage.
76 Pete Okay, I call.
77 Pete That dude sucks.
78 Pete That's Uh. Why don't we, uh.
79 Pete Well, Kenneth, just respect their privacy.